Robert Downy, Jr.

I saw a picture of him at the Oscars, looked like he was having a good time as in having a belly laugh good time. Don't know if this inspired my dream or not... The saga continues.

I was in my kitchen making some coffee or something. It was early morning. All of the sudden I looked down and there was a huge pile of rocks or grounds or something black on the floor. Surrounding it was a swarm of robotic bugs. They just kept reproducing. As my friend Carol was helping me clean them up, she was exclaiming, "They just keep coming! And multiplying." We were furiously sweeping them up. I moved to the other side of the room. Looking down I saw a gold fish bowl broken. Part of the bowl was still filled with water and the fish was in there... still alive. I took a deep breath and wondered where I was going to put the fish. I heard footsteps.

In walks Robert Downy Jr. in a white thermal T with some flannel pants. I was thinking, DAMN my kitchen is a mess and I look like SHIT! He starts talking to me about his relationship. How he isn't sure that he wants to be with this woman he is dating, wants my advice. I look down at the floor and see the bugs still multiplying, and look up at him saying, "You're Robert Downey Jr. man! Suck it up! Tell her how you feel! What do you really want?"

He laughed out loud saying, "Yea. Just be honest. I hear ya."

In walks that comedian with the red hair that had all the plastic surgery done, forget her name, she starts bitching at him calling him a slacker etc. He laughs and says, "I am not ready for a relationship, and even if I was it wouldn't be with you."

He looked at me thankfully and left with a warm cup of coffee. I continued to clean up the bugs and put the fish in a new bowl. I realized that I was glad I had the gift of bestowing some wisdom on people.

After thoughts: I couldn't figure out where the bugs were coming from though. I think it was from a real conversation I had with J. yesterday about nano technology, and robots that are going to be injected for surgical/repair work on the human body. That's totally out of control.

I needed a laugh.

Has everyone seen this but me? Dig it!

Bird Shakes His Tailfeather @ Yahoo! Video

Nasa and Blue Aliens

Dreaming again. I was sitting in a building with some friends. Up in the sky were small aircrafts that had the NASA logo. We sat back watching them searching for something. I didn't know what it was in the beginning. Then I saw a strange space ship emerge, but none of my other friends saw it. Then, a blue man came out of the ship landing on the ground in front of us. I immediately hid behind a bush to watch. The man crouched down behind some equipment. When the coast was clear of the NASA people, he bolted across the field and disappeared. I ran over to the closest Nasa vehicle i could find, saying did you catch him?

"Catch who?' said the representative.

"The blue man" I replied.

"You saw something?" she said

"Of course. Didn't you?" i laughed while saying.

Ok simple speech for a scientist, but thats how it went. She proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions, which I answered in my typical sarcastic way. Then she decided I needed to be recruited, because I could see aliens and they couldn't. She offered me a job.

Heck yea I would take it! What a Cool job, I was thinking. My next thought was how much are they going to pay me? That's GOT to be worth something. The only person that can see this particular alien and who knows what other kinds.

Women in Black? Or should it be purple?

dreams rock.

A new day

When you find a real love, is it a reflection of yourself or is it a completion of yourself? I went away for the weekend. It was peaceful and non-dramatic. I found a spot inside myself I have not seen in a long time. I spent some time questioning if I wanted to love again. Am I truly ready to put myself outside the wall. And the wonderful thing is that I heard the same thing come out of the other persons mouth at almost the same time.

Its so peaceful to be on the same page with someone and feel a calm excitement. Its powerful. Its moving forward. Its what we both deserve. Why all the questions?

Grasping

I know what I feel and where I want things to go. I also know that I have never ended up with what I have wanted out of life, so why would I think this is going to work out either?

My faith is currently being tortured. No matter where I put it, I feel like its in the middle of a tornado being wind torn and shredded by the flying debris surrounding it.

My psychic Lori says Mercury is in retrograde and things will get better. I do have faith in Lori, but she has been wrong before too.

We all have free will. I have to find my strength in myself again and everything else will follow. Please God. I just need a break. Some peace and forgiveness for my stupidity. I mean I am human after all. I need a revitalization.

Please show me how to get back there.

Feeling it out.

I do pick up on energy that surrounds me. I had strange dreams last night that left me feeling vulnerable today. It was a feeling of being observed by forces that can't truly perceive. I know that I was being judged. The comfort of a situation has come to an end. I am again alone in the elements fending for myself. Fighting for a security that should come from inside.

Dreams awaken a part of my consciousness that is ethereal and travels ahead of my physical being. I am fighting the urge to dump it all and run. Leave the one that is watching me to see what I will do. Run towards the comfort of my own mermaid lair to be in the peace of my art. Time to remind myself that my own heart always gives me joy. No matter, unless this person is open he wont ever really see it all, for I am the one hiding some aspects in protection of a heart that gives too much.

These two songs are sticking out in my head today. Both named She's Got a Way. When will i honor that woman? She deserves to be honored.

She's Got a Way ~ Bryan Adams




She's Got a Way ~ Billy Joel



My loving lady friends, embrace the beauty. We are strong, tender, empathetic, enigmatic, revealing, healing and beautiful in every aspect. Perpetuate those characteristics and the day is yours.

peace. dream sweetly.

I am LOST

I am only on Season Three... I am a slacker. I envy those walking around in the glow of the season premiere.. damn aristocrats.

A New Era

I am a-political. I hate politics and the governing powers that attempt to make our lives better through their own character flaws and expectations. I am incapable of dealing with people who think they "know better" than others, when in my vision we are all here to assist one another. Thats the way of nature. We need to live in balance and harmony with all things around us. Learning where the needs are and how to feed those needs without greed or expectation. Today I am pleased to say I am semi-excited to see what will change for us as Americans. Today our elected president was inaugurated into office.

The truth is that he is a much better speaker than any president we have had in my lifetime, maybe since Kennedy. I believe that anyone who quotes one of the greatest men in our history, Abraham Lincoln, is going to open eyes and attempt to accomplish great things. That kind of energy and positive aggression will be change. His enthusiasm will spark ideas and concepts in many that may finally feel they can contribute.

Congratulations to our new President. My challenge to you; Provide us with the tools we as a nation need to make these changes and your visions will be revealed in action. I have hope again.

Dreams ~ Blog Off

I am attempting to catch up with my cousin in the new year! Thursday blog off's. This week's theme is dreams. Thankfully this month's dreams have been chock full of symbolism. And dreaming about a friend. Last night was no different. We were at the Car Wash. Washing the car, etc. then some romping around after hours. But that's not what Blog is about. :cheesygrin:

I am going to talk about a dream come true, moving to California. I prayed all my life to live by the ocean and now? I live in one of the greatest cities I have seen. And I moved here with less than 500 to my name. In a Nissan that is now a commanding presence in someone else's life. (He is enjoying the magic of the bullet car. And it will create magic for him too.)

I wake up smiling in a ridiculously cheap (and roomy) two bedroom apartment for my area. I have a cute little Leo child to dress and steer towards the stars. We get in the new car and listen to music. The road to his "alternative school" is next to the mountains that are washed pink in the sunrise coming from over the ocean. He is learning his own style of life in a "Montessori style" public school. Comes home using the words like "dude" and "NO Way, that is so cool." Creating magic out of cardboard and tape. Learning to read in Kindergarten instead of first grade. Wanting to learn and not come home from school. I can't say that I ever felt that way about my school. He is one of the main reasons I traveled to this place on a prayer and it stuck.



I have an artistic dream of my own that I will accomplish. I know I will get over being lazy and attack this idea. It will be successful once I set my mind on the path. I know it will attract the kind of people that I need to help me, because all I have done to get here and be here has "yes" around it. I have met some of the nicest people. Don't get me wrong this town is full of snobs and haters, but I have set myself in situations where I don't have to deal with too many of them (yet).

Finally, where is the love? There is a strong feeling of being in a holding pattern on that one, but the flight will land when its time. All of life is a process. There are things I have to get past before I can get to the love I deserve, as does the "other". The peace I seek is involved in its own flight pattern of rebuilding self worth and trust. Finding their own dream till we meet in the middle. Realizing that the future is ours. And a smile is all we wear when its dark.

A dream is a wish your heart makes. I made a wish the other night when someone wasn't looking. With a teardrop sliding down my face, I felt the wish slide deep into my heart, trying to keep it warm until that dream is also a part of my daily life.

Dreams are what we have when we feel hopeless and alone in these trying times. Remember to focus on your own. Nothing is out of reach if you believe in it and work towards it. Open your mind to your dreams and know that help is everywhere. Be the hand that helps others. You will find a smile and an answer to a dream you didn't even realize you had.

Now. that's my BS. Check out my CUZ's entry. He is a better writer than me. I don't hold that against him at all!

where is the KORN!? *giggles at her bad private joke.*

Butterfly in the Net

This week I have felt like a butterfly in a net or under the bowl. As I try to fly, I am being dragged back under the net. As soon as I see this particular flower and I fly, I end up hitting the wall. Time to change my perspective.

monkey to man... :whistle:

Show your Face

Delurking Day! just say hi. thats it. Hope all are having prosperous new years in these tricky financial times.


thing I thought today:
His voice is water that quenches my thirst. melanie mitchell © 2009

Expressing Emotions

Expressing emotions is like bailing water out of a boat for me. I know that if I do not let out the buildup of unspoken feelings, the ship will sink. I know that in reality, if I can't or wont deal with the inner problems I face they manifest in physical form. Ischemic colitis has been the worst manifestation of these suppressed truths. I have a friend I know that feels very deeply in many ways, but he says to me, I don't express my emotions. hm...

I had a dream about that person. He came to my apartment a few times in the interval of this dream. Although his mouth opened, he was unable to tell me what he was feeling. The next image he was wandering down the tree lined dirt path off to a castle. I feared there would be a dragon to slay before he arrived, but I knew that he had the courage to face it as he was filled with the unspoken truths of his life.



The next day while having a beer with this person I saw this painting. Wow. I really need to get on this symbolism thing ASAP!

Life is on hold sometimes when involved with people on their own time table. The next self examination should include a pattern of "How can I utilize my time to best serve me?" That is when the greatest good will come.

my post secret: I am "terrified" of success. Stone, cold, terrified.

Dear Cousin

To my Cuz....


I apologize to you immensely for dropping the ball. I have a notorious history of getting self involved and forgetting the world. If you accept my apology can we resume the candor and retort blogs?

I hope you accept and remain my friend despite my lack of empathy and attention. Happy New Year. Its going to be the BEST!


xoxoxo

How it Happens

Today I brought in the book mentioned in the previous post, the ARTISTS WAY. My coworker was walking by my desk, she says, " NO. You aren't going to start that now are you? I was just going to start reading that book and going down that path again!"

I responded, " I have had this book for a few months and just getting to it. I am excited."

K says, "It really works. Lets meet once a week at my house and we can do it together."

Me says, "Praise the universe! Ok then."

Affirmation that the path I am walking is the right one. Maybe its just January thats motivating or maybe its a combination of many desires. Today? I know that I am marching towards the right castle. And I am going to gain insight along the way.

Thanks Universe! I am grateful for support.

Reading

I spend a lot of time listening to music or reading online blogs, news, facebook, etc. I was reading an article I found on one of my fav spots, da faddah. There was an interview he had with another writer. In their conversation they both mentioned the best method to becoming a better writer was to read, read, read, until your eyes bleed!

To that note? I haven't read a book in almost a year. I have two books on my shelf I am dying to read. One I almost finished reading by Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job. The other is this little workbook.




Time to pick up The Artists Way and start practicing some reading and art. I feel like I have been in a creative wasteland long enough.

Has anyone else attempted this? The morning pages? Curious.

This is the Day

I had a long holiday vacation. From Dec 23 to Jan 4th, nothing but resting, sleeping, eating and taking it easy. Its awesome when most of the laundry is flannel and lounge-wear. A lot of money was spent on food and booze. I enjoyed spending time with family and friends.

Now its back to work, which is better than imagined. My IPod selection helps. Having a new boss is beneficial. The child back at school is a GREAT thing! I look forward to a NEW year. Thats something that hasn't been in my vision for a long time. I have cleared up all my previous debts and money owed. A fresh start. Having people to share that with is a bonus as well.

Now to find a nitch for the creativity. I need that back in a big way. I promise that I will try to make consistent entries for my own self preservation! stay tuned.

This is the day your life will surely change... :wink:

New Years Eve

It always seems that New Years Eve reflects the past and the future for me. It has to be my favorite holiday. It began with friends, vodka and enchiladas. It ended with a walk on the beach with my good friend.

Does the beginning of the New Year reflect what is going to come? I hope so. I felt comfortable, happy and satisfied.

School

I had a dream I went back to school in the mountains. I was conflicted about why I was going. The night I first arrived to live in the dorm, I found the room I was supposed to have wasn't ready. I was placed in a room that was "temporary". I wandered outside that night with my notebook and a blanket to observe my surroundings.

When I woke up to the sounds of student voices, and I realized I had fallen asleep outside. I stared up at the sky and saw mountains. They were snow capped with clouds hanging above. Thinking in my mind how beautiful the setting. When I looked down I saw students playing soccer, and blowing bubbles. I wandered around and observing scenarios of student interaction, thinking I would be able to take some great pictures there. I found my dorm and wandered back inside.

Upon entering the dorms, I came across a man that had helped me from the beginning. I asked him to help me find my way. He apologized about the room situation. He didn't mean to mislead me. He gave me a sock with a long note upon it. He hugged me and whispered in my ear but I couldn't make out what he was saying. He seemed sad, that he was very attached to me, but he was going to leave.

I wandered the dorm watching various scenes and found my room. Then I found my friend, that assume was my boyfriend as we were sleeping in the same bed. I told him where I thought my new room was going to be and he left to go and find it. I was gathering up my belongings to move and he called, saying, I found the room. Its where you said it would be. As I was leaving the old room I thought to myself, I don't know what I want from this relationship and wasn't sure where it was going or if it would last. And that I was completely happy to be learning again. And the note on the sock had disappeared.

Christmas

This year was a very interesting Christmas. I felt relaxed this morning. I felt happy to be making food for loved ones. My friend John came over, Leslie was here, and Austin loved all the Santa presents even though none of them were what he asked for.

Life is going to be different in 2009. I am determined to find a positive force to drive a new perspective on my work and creativity. I am going to allow myself to be loved and not feel like I am expected to do more than love in return. I am going to deal with negative dramatic whiners that come into my vision. I am going to get involved with my sons education, become more of a teacher to him.

I am going to walk. I am going to hike. I am going to be a BETTER friend. I am grateful to the universe for offering me all the opportunities that I have been blessed with. I pray for continued healing for the world and its people. And a new vision to be shared rebuilding trust between all mankind.

pontification ceased. Merry Holidays to all that pass here. Reach for the stars.

where?

Your vision of love is impaired. You used me as a means to an end, as you will the next in line, and the next, and the next, until you learn what you heart is searching for.

I pray that day comes soon for the sake of your children. They deserve to know what real love is. Not the false commitments we make out of blind tradition or our attachment to income and material things.

i will always love you. but you are gone now. and that is that.

taking the piss out

You know... I have tried all my life to be a person of love, judgment free, someone that takes what is given as a challenge and allow it to alter my life. I have made mistakes for sure. But I don't pit friend against friend, putting up the "them or me" shit. I don't want to live that way. ever. I am not as strong as I used to be. I need some time in the asylum so no one can fuck with my head.

God save me if I fall back into the pit of despair. and take away jim beam. he is the devil.

Solitary Thinkin

Today I need a day of reflection and peace. Reminding my self of the past. What the future holds. How this bag-o-weirdness has gotten down this road without a complete breakdown.

In the meantime, amuse yourself with some AMAZING photography. Ladies and Gentry, Joel Satore, Film Photographer.

Sometimes

Sometimes thoughts come. Like the waves of the ocean. Ideas are laid upon the page without conscious thoughts being applied. I have experienced this since early childhood. When you these images are shown to you they are not based on fact or reason, you grab on and enjoy the ride.

You always come across skeptics and doubters. Higher thinking requires no premise of pure fact. Application comes through basic physics, principles, fact and common sense. I mean seriously, if there was a perfect solution to interaction, wouldn't the world be more peaceful?

I pray every day for a way for us to each realize our potential and purpose in a peaceful, unconditional expose. Some days I think only music or art come close to that reasoning. But I am cornered by my own gifts.

Live, Love and Allow. Someone said i was judgemental today. I had to sit back and realize i was looking at the way a situation affected one person but had a completely different affect on someone else.

this makes no real sense. just asking the questions and exposing my suspicions. Love is unconditional. I hope i can reach that summit one day. Sans sarcasm or judgement.

amen. Happy Tuesday

One Week

One Week. Yes...

Coworker dream

I had a dream about an ex coworker whom i always had a secret crush on and he had one for me. He is married now with children. I was working at a retail shop next to a restaurant/bowling alley. He and his friend walked in with his daughter. We saw each other and immediately were drawn to each other again. I decided as I saw him leave that I wanted to talk to him about our "past attraction". He was in agreement. He said, let me drop my daughter off and we can meet somewhere. I "borrowed" a dress from the store I was working at, I remember thinking this style really is flattering on me, and got commented on as I left.

We met by the ocean. We were in a parking structure climbing wooden stairs next to the ocean. It was a cloudy day and the waves were high. We kissed and both realized we may have passed up a really great opportunity, but that our lives were what they are now. And I returned to the shop the next day thinking, I am going to keep that dress no matter what it cost.

Falling

Today I was wheeling to my apartment talking on the phone. On the way to that, I hit a rock. Down she goes!!! The wheelie was on top of my bad leg. I hope I didn't damage my leg. It sure hurts. I am going to nap. Try and relieve some pain.

No sis. I have NO plans for Thanksgiving. Not even cooking. I will ask the child what he wants to do. We may end up going to the Beach! I wish we could have it together!

Now Christmas? I may have plans. :smiling:

Not Sleeping

And I don't know why. I think I am over excited actually. Maybe a bit anxious about some tickets I need to clear up before Thanksgiving. I have some nagging self indulgent worries about my mothering abilities. In addition, my mind is playing games with me about my ankle. And why I am not walking yet. Now there is someone new that calls to me from across the miles, keeping my mind further occupied with pleasant thoughts and images.

I am tired though! I wish I could sleep... sigh.

More Dreams

Dont yawn and sigh. I am posting this dream question I made of a "friend" on a website I frequent, RadioParadise.com.

Enjoy my dream and his response. I apologize for the lack of information, but there is a good reason for that which will become clearer as we enter the new year.

I wrote:
Dear Doctor Seagull,

I had a dream I was hired to take band photos of a touring show with many musicians. Bob Dylan was one of them. He came and sat in my lap while I was in my wheelchair. He was wearing a black mohair vest and a black fedora. He rested his head on my shoulder and was talking to me. I don't remember all that he was saying. One thing that rang clear he mentioned he was glad I was taking pictures. Then he got up and got on the Greyhound bus and took off with the other bands. I sat and went through my images.

Then thinking I should be heading down the road because I would be missing some really good pictures if I didn't.

What the heck?

mem (alwayssnappingshotsofthefamousandinfamous) sahib


The response:
Dear Mem,

It is obvious from your dream that you are conflicted between your desires to tell stories about this world, as evidenced by your dream-job of photographer, and your desire to stay in one place in a stable home life where you can be respectable. There is a very important job for you to do now, decide whether to go for fame and fortune or to choose the quieter fortune of stability.

Your choice.

Sincerely,

Doctor (eeniemeenieminiemoe) Seagull

I enjoy a good answer to any question. I am polishing my rock star glasses as we speak.

*giggles*

Update

I have been very laxed lately in writting. I know that you are all missing me... (yawn).

The truth? I am still not walking. Not till thanksgiving, I think. I have an appointment the Wednesday before. So I work half days, come home, do some small tasks, nap, then on to my mothering position. Which hasn't been working out so well as of late, so I am taking my energies and concentrating them there.

I also met someone that has occupied a little bit more of my "spare" time. I am not gone, just taking my time in posting.

I apologize sincerely to my Cousin, whom I made a promise to about blogging. I feel like I have abandoned him. So, dear L., I am getting back on the shift. I am going to make sure that at LEAST I blog once a week with you. Mkay???

and to all a pleasant weekend. I hope that mine is going to be.

Dreams

Last night i dreamt of living back in the big city. I was visiting a friend. (Yes it was the actor who played Frodo in the Lord of the Rings). We had gone out for drinks. After going back to his apt. passing out and waking up for work the next day i started straightening things up and people started stopping by. A couple of women friends. I realized that these were women that liked him or had been involved with him. I was started to feel uncomfortable and yet I knew that he and i were just friends. I wandered around his apt... walking up to the second level I noticed it was completly empty. A beautiful room with skylights on top of a building, but nothing was there. He was intentionally sparse. I started to question why he hadn't done anything. He said, I don't have the energy or the time. I knew that was just an excuse, because he was living on his couch in his living room. And he had a really good job. I started to propose helping him, but was propeled into the next part of the dream.

I was back at the bar we were at the night before. The place was huge, almost 3 levels. At varying heights, different tiers. the top tier was at the top of the building with beautiful views of the skyline. i sat down on the first level having a drink. I had run across the empty dance floor and jumped up to the second level to get to the top for the views. I almost tumbled over an old lover (George Clooney of course. :wink:) He smiled at me. Of course nostalgia and the feelings we had shared hit my heart. I said, Why did you move? He responded, I didn't want you to ruin my tux. I just giggled and said something like, You always were a bit finicky about your clothing, and continued up to the top of the building. He asked where are you going, I responded to see the sights. He said, This is my place. I smiled and said, I think I could have guessed that. He proceeded to show me around the nooks and kranniew. I found a couple of stilettos, not the same shoe, but one of each. I asked nearby customers if they were thiers. NO. So I handed them to "george" He said, Check this out, and proceeded with a long speech so everyone in the bar could hear him. He placed the shoes on a giant bookcase on one wall that was covered with books and "single shoes". He said, We have a wall here of shoes that people have lost over the last couple of years. feel free to take a look. As I placed the two shoes on the shelves, i looked over the shoes noticing all the styles and designs. Strangely enough in my dream? they were all black or red and black. I wandered back to "George" after looking, and sat at the bar, saying to him, What are we drinking, because I knew that we had a LOT of catching up to do. He ordered something and as I waited a waitress wandered by staring at me. I looked at him saying you are NOT sleeping with your hired ladies. He blushed. I said, darling, you will never learn.

WE proceeded to have drinks and laugh. I woke up.

Upon waking i had three thoughts. One: I am not beautiful enough to have ever slept with George Clooney, nor likely will i ever be. Two: I can never wear heels again. But i bet i could design some. Three: What is it about myself that reminds me of Frodo, and why haven't i finished the upstairs? Why haven't i tapped into my abilities?

for you...

We found each other and that is wonderful. But for now, I am alone and I am tired of it. Patience isn't my virtue, nor is it my desire. My fears will be renewed with you about trust. I will give it and try to trust over and over again.

I want what I want when I want it like everyone else. I am not going to be a sucker for anyone ever again. Not even a soul-mate, so baby? for now? go ahead, you have my heart. Because I will accept you however you are. If you aren't going to do that for me? We both lose. Because I am done compromising. DONE.

I am too precious. I am offering you the world for a few tokens... You have the intelligence to realize how easy it would be to keep someone that would hold you forever. I believe in you.

I got a song for ya. (she should have included something about patience.. my weakest virtue)

Das Boot

The purple cast is gone. I have a new friend now. But? I am still hopping around on one leg. no weight for another two weeks.

I need peace and recovery. maybe next year will be that year. until then? Nightmares of burglars and drowning, hopping on one leg, a loving son, and a prospective future. positively unnerving!

I had to LAUGH

Now, you might all have seen this but its new to me.



GoooooBAMMMAAAAAAAA!

here i am.

I have had a lot of time to contemplate.. sitting, sleeping and not moving. I am enjoying this rest. my spirit has needed a place to stop sit and breath.

I am not quite yet ready to start the cycle again, i am feeling the need to reserve energy. Start contemplating. And as i have a son that needs my attention thats the most i can give a this moment.

he is loving and patient as a five year old can be. And i want to be an active mom. But i can NOT be active until i am healed. I look forward to the future past this 3-4 months of recovery.

There are plans in my head, but i know they are going to be there in a months time. I am going to enjoy this peace. and pray for a soulmate who can enjoy it with me. and teach my son to love life the way i do.

Not dead or injured

Just have a lot on my mind and haven't gotten any of it in a plausible order. Back soon. I promise.

thanks for your patience.

first day back

Today is my first day back to work since Sept. 16th. I have to say that time off with my parents was rewarding for all of us. The best time we have spent together in a very long time.

My doc OK'ed me to go back part time until dec 15th as I am having some complications with swelling. He says I shouldn't over do it. I think that this is going to be such a great time for me to accomplish a lot of personal goals, and still get my work done at the office.

Anyone a personal assistant or organizer? I need some agenda and budget assistance.

it has arrived

The Roll-A-Bout.

I don't know why I didn't get the steering model, but I didn't. Sure is lighter than my wheelchair, and easier than crutches.

I am MOBILE! A thanks to my agent that rented me the apt. She turned me on to it. And to my parents that paid for my rental. I am movin!

Another Fall.... Literally

My life is a comedy of errors.. Another fall. This time i am at Shoreline Beach Cafe. We decide to sit up on the deck as its more stable for a gimpy gal. The 16 year old hostess sets us at table that was so wobbly, if the wind blew it would have spilt your water. I asked my friends, this isn't good is it? In case I needed to get a grip, I would be SOL. We asked if we could move to the next table. Wood, sturdy, etc. I turn my chair slightly to raise myself out of it slowly. The next thing I know the chair breaks and I am going DOWN!!!!! No one at my table was close enough to help. The men (I use that term as a gender descriptor ONLY) at the table next to us laugh. People are staring at me. Someone says, now that's embarrassing. For who me? or them? The chairs were the stack able ones you pick up at Costco cheap for outdoor dining. Again I say, what do I have to be embarrassed about? Now seeing as i am in this cast, you would think that people would be jumping up to help. Fuck no! Now, my friends that are with me did attempt. But, the busboy, the waiters, the owners? Nothing. The manager never came over, the waitress never even comped us a drink or offered us any kind of apology. What a sad sad world we live in. And you guys out there? The people that laugh at others misfortunes instead of assisting them? How humiliating that must be for you.

The ideas that spring to my mind? Entitlement. Humiliating those less fortunate. Forcing your way to the top by stepping on others. Sure its an age old story. And we all know the end too.. It all goes to hell. Current financial situation pretty much sums it up. huh?

I was not injured too badly, a few bruises on my arm and leg, but i was fine. I wasn't even humiliated. I did get a righteous headache, a pain in my ass and in operated on ankle later that day. Its not my fault the restaurant was so cheap they bought patio furniture from Kmart/Costco to use at their tables. I was fine. I also got a few good laughs out of it from some sitting close by. I should have shouted if that was such a great show, buy me a fucking beer!!!!!!!

You can bet this is going to be (a little more professionally written then) sent to the local paper as well as to the manager of the restaurant itself. Accidents happen to everyone. I know all to well about that. But ignoring a customer that could potentially sue you for an entire cost of a new ankle fusion surgery? Dumb. Very ignorant, elitist, oblivious, disrespectful and dumb.

But the surf was awesome yesterday. And the food? not bad!

stay tuned for more, falls from the woman who should obviously never leave home!

Thurs Cous Blog OFF - topic Vibration

Please forgive my tardiness for todays "blog off" . It will be up by tomorrow. thanks for holding this space for me.

They did it!

My mother had to drive my car and park it while they were here visiting. she said, you are going to die in that car. we are getting you a new one.



welcome home my little dolphin! we are safe. happy. and completely overwhelmed. and did i mention safe?

happy weekends!

Cous Blog off Thursday (CBOT) ~ Meltdown

My cousin and I agreed, this weeks topic? Meltdown. (edited this out.. Nothing says meltdown quite like a little person who wants something he knows he cant have and he asks the grown ups say no over and over again.) A Meltdown. The most recent example i can think of starts with my son. Toddlers have a way of working themselves up into a frenzied meltdown than asking for repeatedly for something they can't have. Or being asked to preform some kind of task they don't want to do. It becomes obsessive manipulative behavior at a point. This is when the meltdown starts. Mind churning up info that isn't true so the drama can continue till they get some kind of attention. Now I have to explain a few of the happenings in my current state to set this particular occurrence.

If you visit me here at all, you already have the info on my selective "surgery".I am laid up. Non weight bearing. You can see my new cast! This happened Tuesday, staples off. During my recovery, both my mother and father have been here. Taking care of me and Austin. And as mothers are, she has been diligent about cleaning, doing laundry, etc. I have helped when I could by doing dishes, some sweeping, folding laundry and putting away. Pa-Pa has been basically in-charge of the Austin. To and from school bathing, play some games, etc. We have had a wonderful visit. I know its a total shocker... aside from the few issues that have plagued their marriage historically, we have really enjoyed each others company. That being said, its going to be sad to see them go. And I really mean that.

So we went grocery shopping on the day I got my perty new cast. I suggested we pick up a frozen lasagna, so we wouldn't have to do any cooking. We got a bag-o-salad, pan-o-noodle, and garlic bread. Dinner is heated and served. Yea us! We get home fix dinner. The kid was excited. He was out side playing with one of (his many) "girlfriends" Zoe. It came time for dinner. He came inside as requested. We sat at the table and started dishing out the food. He said, I don't like that(lasagna). (sighs) I proceeded to say, You haven't tried it yet. Its just spaghetti but the noodles are big and flat.

A-man, "I hate spaghetti." now this is a total lie.

Mommy, "You love spaghetti, sucking in the noodles. And No, this isn't spaghetti, its lasagna. I have seen you eat lasagna at your school for hot lunch. We had lunch together that day."

A-man "NO, I didn't. I didn't eat that lasagna. It's NOT spaghetti." very snotty.

Mommy "That's true, its not spaghetti. Why don't you just try it? Here I will put some of the "white cheese" (parmesian) on it."

A-man "I dont LIKE white cheese." another total exageration.

Mommy "Yes you do. You use about a half a container on your spaghetti. Try it! Just take a bite."

A-man "You always want me to try stuff I don't like."

Mommy "You need to try new things. Besides i want you to tell me if it doesn't taste pretty much like spaghetti. And if you don't have any, you can't have any homemade ice cream. Maybe you should try the garlic bread first."

A-man "Dessert? I want dessert."

Mommy "Well, you have to a few bites of your lasagna first. Not all of it, but you have to eat some."

A-man, "No. You wont let me eat lasagna. And then I wont get dessert, because you wont let me."

He crawls under the table and three peoples feet. Crying and shaking.... talking about how I wont let him eat his bites of lasagna so he cant have his dessert.

Mommy "I said, stop crying. Thats not getting you dessert or out of eating anything. Why don't you go to your room and cry then come back in a little while."

A-man "You wont let me eat just let me eat one bite, and then have dessert. You never do." this is a true statement.

I finally get everyone to stop convincing him. I coerce him back to the table. He sits down.

Mommy" Austin. Let me have a bite of your lasagna. (mommy takes a bite) Man you know what austin? That sure tastes like spaghetti to me. What do you think?"

Then he took a bite. "Yes mommy it does." He proceeds to eat half a plate and half a piece of bread. And is rewarded with a sugarless fudgesicle. sheeesh. Its amazing how quickly kids get up from being down when it comes to desert.

We have a lot of stories like that. Meltdowns during meals. I think toddlers need them as a form of expression because they can't communicate what the real issues may be. Picking something they know they can't have, become obsessed it. Repeatedly asking for it. Trying to obtain it till its a meltdown. Parents really should have coaching and or psychological training to deal with this stuff. Its stressful. And can cause adverse reaction.

I won this battle. But not without a few psychological maneuvers. I am learning. Through each episode comes a kernel of wisdom. And one more grey hair!

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Fall (edited)

I apologize for last weeks lack of enthusiasm. Basically the only reason I couldn't write it was because i was incapacitated with that. Truly, for this entire week, I have had waking dreams from the pain killers. Scary, I hate pain, so ingested the relief. Dont forget to check out my cousins blog... The reason I am attempting prose in the first place. Thanks cousin for the inspiration.

EDITED~~~


She looked out the window and thought, fall is upon us all. It brings up the feeling of endings. Hibernation. Weather becomes crisp. The leaves transform to shades of gold and red, the same hues of her favorite fruit of the season, apples. Fall also represents a time of harvest for apples, cranberries, grapes, pumpkins and squashes.

Her mind moved forward, reluctantly saying goodbye to carefree long days. The beach towels folded up and stored in the places created by bringing out moms handmade quilts. Flannel blankets lay on her favorite comfy chair. Set in the ready for early sunsets, reading, or even tossing in the car for Friday night football games. For her these endings also meant new beginnings.

While packing up the few things she wanted to keep as reminders, Shandra came across her valedictorian speech. And also an acceptance letter from the Rhode Island School of Design. In her daydreams she knew what leaving home would be like. Picturing the day she would toss her belongings out her second story window and speed away in her Mustang. Becoming a college student. The time capsule consolidation, brought about a contemplation of her endings. No more Saturday window shopping and cosmetic testing at the mall with Betsy and Ginger. No more sneaking behind the gym to have a quick make out session with Lorenzo. How she would miss the small rituals she had come to cherish in her four years.

She packed up the final few items and placed them on the shelves. Her boudoir was becoming her mom’s new office. Turning from the closet and taking one last look, the realization brought tears to her eyes. Melancholy tears as well as fearful ones. Wiping her face on the sleeve of her new collegiate hoodie, the mirror became her counselor. She had ripened into a fine young woman from her four years in high school. Those days were just preparation for her next stage of transformation. A transformation that started this Fall.

Four more weeks, then six.

So the doc says to me yesterday... Looking good! Yea and that's what it looked like before he put on a hard cast. I guess its a good sign. Bad news? well its not bad news, just realism. I have 4 more weeks non weight bearing. Then a following 6 weeks in a walking cast.12 weeks of TLC to my new ankle.

To date? I have fallen twice. Once in the bathroom, someone didn't wipe up after thier shower and once right after I left the drs. office yesterday. Literally in the lobby of that medical building. I am an expert faller though. I threw my bad leg out from underneath me and it never touched the ground. Stunt Mel, oh yea. ;-)

My parents came just in the nick of time to help me with the first three weeks. (I admire my parents so much by the way without them, this wouldn't be happening. Literally. They are wonderful generous people, and will be blessed for all they do) But they leave the weekend before I head back to work. And I need people to come in the evenings to help me with the little man for the final three weeks of non weight bearing. And to help me if i fall. Maybe do a load of laundry. I am hiring someone to help me at least one day a week, a professional companion). NO, not that kind.. much to my dismay. I am trying to lining up friends to take one night a week as a designated, feed a friend night. So far a few very awesome friends I have from this place have committed to time to become engaged in this project. I don't need them to provide the food, just help me prepare it and help me with the demanding midget. I promise good healthy food, witty dialogue and a long warm hug as a reward. Maybe a glass of wine (but not for me).

I know all is going to be well. I am keeping my eye on the ball... The results of this procedure are all that matters. And having supporting friends to relieve my stress is one of the most healing things I can think of. Thank you universe for your wisdom and abundance.

Almost a Week

there are my cute little toesies. I fell today hitting the left leg twice. I have been having weird waking dreams from the drugs

need more sleep. c u soon.

The shower

Thats an interesting experiment that worked!

sigh of relief, sitting, bag on cast, towel on kids chair... I feel pretty-er.

i am grateful.

dedication

dedication

noun
1. complete and wholehearted fidelity
2. a ceremony in which something (as a building) is dedicated to some goal or purpose
3. a message that makes a pledge [syn: commitment]
4. a short message (as in a book or musical work or on a photograph) dedicating it to someone or something
5. the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action; "his long commitment to public service"; "they felt no loyalty to a losing team" [syn: commitment]

In order for me to remain focused I needed the definition to be in plain view. I tried to go to the thesaurus to find synonyms. Nothing. Can you believe? I found that difficult to believe.

As stated, I am recovering from surgery. I have worries I have concerns. And I have sleepless nights. I am in pain, and I am learning. I chose to do this because I want my son to have a life that includes his mom being an active participant. Which includes hiking, some running, swimming with him, etc. And if this procedure works, I will be the mom I am determined to be.

I am trying to do some soul searching. Reading some heart = art books. Connecting with my spiritual center again, so that is what i am radiating for him. Teaching him to be honest with his dealings.

I am sorry. I have tried to type this four times and still having issues seeing and typing correctly. I fall asleep when I am thinking, and end up typing long lines because my hand is on the keyboard. I am dedicated to this project. I can't type and think right now. This will be finished and i will you soon.

xo

Thurs write off....

will be late from me today. But keep posted. I find myself a bit groggy after surgery.

thanks for your patience. :*

Ankle n Ike

So, final pre-op meeting for ankle fusion surgery with Dr. P was yesterday afternoon. Allograft of tibia bone for the ankle, then four screws. Screws placed in an X formation from leg bone into the foot. Then two screws above and parallel to my ankle above. Sound like fun? Only at the airport in the future. (lol). The good news is NO MORE PAIN (after recovery of course). I will have full rotation but the front to back movement will go from 100% (which i don't really have anyway) to 70%, best case scenario. I will be six weeks no weight bearing (much less than I thought). I can start swimming and biking in six weeks! I feel so much better about finally taking care of my ankle... of course until I found this, GetProlo.com, ligament restructuring website. Who knows about that? I am guessing Dr. Pearson doesn't. Thankfully I will not have to take Vicadin, which is a worthless drug for me. He did step it up to something stronger.. And remember my tongue in cheek joke about Valium? He wrote me out a script (I did NOT ask for them. I swear). I was so tempted to ask for some extras for the visiting caretakers.

Speaking of the parents... Guess where they live? Houston. Yea.. HOUSTON! And who is coming to visit the day before they are scheduled to be here? Ike.



So.. Ike, a massively wide storm, is scheduled to hit Galveston today (yea right like hurricanes have a schedule). I called my parents this morning. People have been evacuating from Galveston for a week. They were thinking about driving to Austin to fly out, I suggested Dallas. But the roads going north and west are so jammed, they are better off waiting it out to see if the power stays and they can fly out on Sunday as planned.

I found this blog on Weather Underground (don't you love that site?). Keeping abreast of my Texas family and friends who live close to the coast. That place is going to be SOOOGY!

Prayers and good vibrations extended. I pray once the eye hits land it dies QUICK. And seeing as Houston used to be a swampland, that the inevitable flooding doesn't last to long.



All that said, aren't hurricanes an amazing phenomenon? Too bad it causes so much havoc on the population.

Oh and on a closing note.. there is ONE thing i forgot to ask the doctor. I am bidding on THESE as a reward of my bravery & an incentive for the spring. (I wont be fully recovered for 3-4 months) Wonder if will still be able to dance? I so want to tap. yea baby.

Cousin Blog-off Thursday ~ TOPIC: Shiny

Okay. As you know, or may not know, My "cousin Arighter" and I decided to start doing a writing exercise. I was allowed to pick the topic this week. And the first thing that came to mind was...

SHINY

Here is my LAME a** attempt. Please leave all critiques or observations. This is a learning exercise. I have no fear of criticism. I welcome the chance to become a better writer by hearing what others see... that being said, at least try to be constructive.

Away we go. (try not to fall asleep).
___________________________________________________________


Waking up was the hardest thing for her to do. Yet there was no need for an alarm clock. The internal clock was set for 6:45 am precisely. And so she rose.

Heading to the bathroom for the morning evacuation, she limped. Unharmed on the whole, but wounded. Feeling her age. Squinting at the morning light reflecting off the slick surfaces, she walks to the sink. Steadying, staring, she questions the reflection in the mirror. Where is that lovely young girl that was so timid, so alive and cocky? The clear blue eyes reflect pain and loneliness. Her wisdom out weighs their oppressive stare. What can wallowing in misery do to remove time and experience? That youthful girl is still inside. It's a much dimmer light, but not completely out. As in the refrigerator, when you open the door, the light illuminates. It just needs to be accessed. Toothbrush, toothpaste, ah.. fuzzies removed. Flashing a glistening white smile. Contemplating her schedule, she moved back to the bedroom to get ready for the day.

On her desk a tarnished track medal hangs from the lamp harp. A living memory floods her mind. The medal was a radiant reminder of her pinnacle in high school. Sadly, it lacked the original luster of the day it was placed around her neck. Closing her eyes, traveling back to when she was agile, a gazelle. The world flashing by as she ran ahead. Faster than the others. The sound of the starting pistol, her ability to get lost in the meditative sounds of her heavy breathing, heart pounding, her deep yearning to achieve, the feel of sweat pouring out of every pore and the award winning finish, all visually present in her mind. A related bonus to this accomplishment, a set of legs that turned every eye off the track as well as on. Pondering these moments she turned to the reflection in the full length mirror. What happened to that "inner core"?

She sighed, powers up the "connection to the world" and lowers her spread into the desk chair. The light flickers and the triad chimes. A screen saver appears. Its a photo she took during a long walk on the beach. Quietly emitting pure gratitude for where she landed. And the repeated motion begins. Up tempo. Armor on. Ready for exposure to what exists outside herself. Here we go again. Fishing for information. What will the bait be today?

Her friend was awake as usual, and working. They shared morning coffee time. As she spoke to him on the computer, feeling the spark had gone out of their conversations. The heat that gave her hope to ran to her laptop upon returning home from her day. Anticipating the words he may have left for her there.

She decided to relay that to him,"I am not as shiny now am I?"

He replied, "What do you mean by that?"

"Never mind. Its a silly metaphor."

"As in you aren't as new?"

"Yea. You are the clever one. I always knew that about you. "

"I have just been busy. You still shine. Believe me."

Her polished teeth produced a grin that flashed a spark in her eye. She laughed. He reminded her to hope. Opening to the idea of a gleaming future no matter her state. The desire to find a pinnacle with her "new self". A radiance even the tarnish of old love couldn't take away. She knew a shine had returned to her eyes. Hoping it would get her through the day. As they finished their coffee, the conversation was put on hold. For now.

Atom Smasher

My home page is Google. When I opened it this morning, I noticed the logo surrounded by a band that looked like it was in motion. Then I realized it must be representing the atom smasher. I looked for news on this machinery. Still quite baffled about how this is going to change my world, but seems to be quite progressive on the physics front. Tell me. Do you know why we need an atom smasher? Do we really need to solve all of the earths mysteries? I guess scientists want to know.

Maybe great things will be in store for our children from the atoms being smashed. And from knowing how the universe works. Sometimes, not often, I wish I lived far away from technology. Having a simple life, sleeping well, eating plainly, and just living. Until the next episode of "Survivor" comes on. Then I am glad to have the current flowing through my house that provides me with drivel, drama and daydreams.

Smashing Atoms. Thanks Stephen Hawking.

Blogoversary

happy blogoversary to me
happy blogoversary to me...

I can't believe that I have actually been blogging for over 4 years now. Makes me want to go back and see what I have repeated consistently over and over again. What has been a true revelation. And what was just fun. Who knows where this will take me the next four years, but I trust that I will always be thankful that my mind has a place to unload and receive comments from strangers and friends. The world has great people in it. I respect your input and wisdom into the things you show me.

Thanks again for taking your time to observe my lines. MWUAH~

a response

i posted this response to ela's blog... wanted to keep a record of it for myself because it rang true for me as well. (deep thoughts by insomniac me)

there is no loss of connection when you choose to connect, because you are still connecting with yourself. if you lose the expectation of what you "think" the connection should be offering, you find what you aren't seeing.

just a suggestion.

My CUZ!!!!

One day I was listening to RadioParadise.com, posting on the forum boards. A man named Larry came on. He made a comment to me. I replied "I have a cousin named Larry. Are you my cousin?" A new friendship was born.

My "cousin" is fresh to the blogosphere, but seeing as he is Arighter, this will be a natural transition and a proper good chance for him to start practicing his skills.

That being explained, we decided to give each other some exercise in metaphor and vocabulary usage. Testing, competing, aligning, defining and hopefully entertaining as we go along. Picking a topic or a challenge and both putting up our "attempts". We have selected Thursdays for our posting.

Round One: Sept. 11th. Tune in for a better title and the First Dual Blog.

:sly wink to da cuz:

Image:
Kissing Cousins
acrylic on canvas
by Ed Klink

Surgery & Awareness (dont read. its a boring journal entry)

I am going ahead with my ankle surgery. Outpatient surgery. Under the knife two weeks from yesterday. I am a bit nervous. Not much I can do but get through it. Its time to be rid of the pain and past its limitations. Send positive energy. I just hope I can find enough people to help while I recover. I need strength and I am afraid I am out of it all right now. Time to lose some dead weight. Across the board.

I often wonder what is it that I have done along my lifetime to be in the situation I am in. I have made bad choices. I have forgiven myself for some of them. Sometimes I dig a hole just so I can sit in it for a bit and not think and or feel sorry for myself. Take things way down so that I can feel ok at mediocre again. I am not clear on how to make things different in some moments because I have a difficult time thinking clearly. I have a very few people to lean on so it makes it more difficult for the few people that I do count on for conversation. I have these stupid expectations that people will do what they say they are going to do. Be your friend, lover, caretaker, etc. The world burdens us with so much shit. What to have, what to do, how to live... I am so overwhelmed I can't think sometimes. I have no one to lean on. I have a high emotional drain (and reward) in a small man that lives with me. I think its me with the problem. I should be alone, but I cant stand the loneliness of it. And when I find people that I do think care, it turns out they are only using me to fill their own empty lives with something. But, then again, I don't know everyone. Yet.

What I seek I haven't found. I hope that I am not always going to be looking. In the process of discovering it, I will find some things that are satisfactory and uplifting, I will always look and embrace those things. In the meantime I am the butterfly flitting from flower to flower.. branch to branch.. hoping to reach the landing that will embrace me. Giving me a respite from the tedious task of flying ever onward in search of nectar.

Oh sweet flower... where do you lay? Over the hill? Not to far away? Please give me peace.

I have merit. I have worth. I have beauty. I may not have charm, but I can be charming. Mostly? I have me.. but I am broken. Life has broken me... I have broken me and I don't know that I can fix any of it. And, to be honest? I am too fucking tired to try anymore. I want to chunk it all in the river and watch it sink into a peaceful quiet. Just for a change. But I wont. I will fight. Just with less vigor until I feel more "repaired". Seeking wisdom and spiritual strength from within. Finding my light again.

Dockin the Rocket

While cruising one of my fav blogs, Death by Children, I came across a blog entry about sex training for space. Nasa Gets it On.. Which lead me to the actual article they were referring to. I have often wondered about what men are doing up there on such long missions. Now that women are along and the length of time out in space is increased, there is a higher level of probability someone is going to dock their rocket.

ayep. Space. The final frontier. mwah ha ha ha.... Maybe I should consider a career in "training". Can you imagine no-gravity sex? Now your talkin! *giggles*

That line of thinking lead me to a loosely related thought. Pigs In Space..




This one is for Happy Hour. Enjoy!



Are we noticing a theme here? Yikes... Get out of the house more. Yea.

Co-worker dreams!

Sheeesh.. Last night I had a dream about a co-worker. Not even someone that I am attracted to. Or wasn't... *giggles*

I had a dream he came over to my house to have sex with me. We got in bed everything was going pretty well. And then? He threw up on me. Everywhere. All over the bed, the floor, on his way out the door... WTF does that mean? All I remember thinking was this is just another mess I have to clean up.

Oh yea. He is happily married. with kids. Stup-it brain. :wink wink:

Oh... MY... GOSH...

I was on craigslist looking for a couch. I got into the Classified section via a wrong click of my way to fast mouse hand.. and WALLAA! Look what listing i saw...



MOMMY CAMP!

Wow... I am going to investigate this little gem. I think this may be a treat mommy should give herself at sometime in the future!! take my sketchbook, my camera and my soul for a little R&R.

Can I get an amen from the bobbleheads?

Jackson Browne

This morning I heard Fountain of Sorrow on the radio. Got me to thinking about his song writing. Omg.. What a talent. Be still my heart! I have always had a crush on this man. I love his lyrics maybe even more than his music.

(pasting info from the wikipedia page:)
Clyde Jackson Browne (born October 9, 1948) is an American rock singer-songwriter and musician, whose introspective lyrics made him the poster boy for the Southern California confessional singer-songwriter movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s. In 2004, Browne was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame by fellow American musical artist and good friend, Bruce Springsteen. In the same year, Browne received an honorary Doctorate of Music from Los Angeles' Occidental College for "a remarkable musical career that has successfully combined an intensely personal artistry with a broader vision of social change and justice"

There are so many songs/albums (for us old fogies) of his that fit periods of my life. The Pretender was high school. I still love that song. Running on Empty was my freshman year in college album singing in the dorms with my gal pals. We would sing STAY over and over again. Belting out that final wail with our youthful passion. In 1993, I had to break it off with someone I almost married. I listened and played I Am Alive religiously! The combination of lyric and music on the song Sky Blue and Black proves to me that music is a form of therapy bordering on a religious experience. Hauntingly pure, direct and yet it transcends. (embedded tune at the end of this entry)

Somehow music gets you through things, if you know what I mean. It can bring humans closer together. How many of you knew he wrote this song made famous by the Eagles? There are a lot of images in this video that span his career. And there are pictures of him in his youth.






A picture of him with his wife when he was Inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2007. They say he sang Lives in the Balance, written 20 years ago that really can ring out for what is happening now.

And well Doctor My Eyes is an ageless theme of mankind.




There are many fine song writers out there I respect (too many to name here). But there is a special love I have for the simplicity and impact of this mans work. What are your Jackson Browne favorites? Any sightings? I saw him preform only one time in Dallas. I am always thinking I should scoot down to his part of So Cal and see if I cant catch a glimpse of him in real. But I am NOT a stalker. *whistles and puts on her shades*

I leave you with the previously mentioned song that just floors me every time I hear it. Its a Romeo and Juliet kind of a song. These are just some of the lyrics. Sighs... swoons.

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

But I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black




Thank you Jackson. My life is forever changed by your passion and artistry.

(yes I know he hit darryl hannah. thanks kim. I already knew that and being a "battered woman" I don't condone it. doesn't distract me from his work. just makes him a human.)

Another Gem of Information

aw.. my little indiana jones. happy birthday baby!

Now we all know that I am a single mom. I made that choice. I am settled with that fact. I am not asking much from anyone. I must say, that my parents help me tremedously. But 90% of the finance and duties are carried out by yours truly. Its my choice. I love my baby boy. He needs me. I need him. We are a team. Ok, that being said, I never expected to hear this one. (This week has been full of revealed truths.) Last night I was talking to a friend from Texas (not you Kim-i-poo (smoooches). This person I was talking to is friends with my ex. That is how I met her. She was dating him when I came back to visit him and tell him about my pregnancy. She conveyed a piece of information that really did blow me AWAY!!! She was in a bar and when she saw the sperm donor.

My ex, whose name wasn't on any pregnancy assistance papers I filled out in texas, whose name isn't on the birth certificate, nor does his name appear on any assistance papers that I signed for the 5 months of state assistance I got in California. The last time I even SPOKE to him was on the phone for five mins maybe the week after my son was born. He started crying when I said I had the baby and we were at home. I can only assume he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself, because I haven't heard from him since.

Well, as patterns go, he was using me as an excuse (again) to make someone see that he is just a victim. She said, he was making up some lie about me sending the attorney general after him for a paternity test (of course he was trying to impress some chick sitting next to him at the bar). And to make it more heroic? When he "came down" to do the test, I backed off from "forcing him to take the test". WTF!? (the real facts: I was in California before I even signed any papers that could have "sent" someone to look for him. AND as anyone that has any understanding of reality, the attorney general wouldn't be the one looking for him!) omfffffgosh! My face went all shades of hostile when I heard this. What passed through my mind? After all that happened between us, why would he need to use me as an excuse for anything anymore? Why did he even find it necessary to bring up my name? And if he did, why wouldn't it be to say something decent instead of something slanderous? I felt so violated. So angry and upset! Then I settled reminding myself he always was like that. Always. And he always will be. And it refreshed my thoughts that I am a naive clueless woman sometimes. I also thought, I am very angry at him for not being the man I know he can be. Not fighting for himself and continuing to kill his life with drugs and alcohol. And I finally forgave myself for letting myself get loving someone that dragged me into his hole.

All that said, he really isn't in my thoughts much, except in regards to what if my son wants to know about him. I prefer he never meets him or knows of him. Thats selfish I know, but truthfully? I doubt he lives to see his kids 16th birthday. What is so reassuring about this little tidbit of information? I made the right choice! It also affirmed that I am doing this parenting thing for myself and my son. And thats what the reality is! The rewards are starting to really appear now that he is becoming a little person.

I pray that I can find examples of healthy relationships so he can at least see that is the way to live life. Self disciplined and self assured. Not blaming others for his own shortcomings. And the strength to get up and brush himself off and try again, and again and again. Without fear. With wisdom, empathy, compassion and honor. Thats not all going to come from me, but I believe his path will be decorated with the people that can teach him the things I cant.

School starts Monday, tomorrow is my orientation at the OAS School where he is going. I think we are both ready for the "new school". He knows its coming. He is a smarty! :-)

Avoiding Capability

So this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen thinking, I don't want to work today! The truth is don't want to work at what I am doing for a living. Now... immediately after that thought was this one. This job is what makes my life possible. Why wouldn't I do the best I can so that my life can be the best it can be? Revelation moment. Why am I avoiding my life? I am creative and intelligent. I am persistent and conscientious. I am capable.

The real issue today? I am in self doubt mode-Again (yawn). Its an evil demon that was refreshed as a result from a misconception someone has about me. Last night & this morning, someone said something that really floored me. A person that has no insight or information that came from me about who I am and chose to perceive and alienate. That of course spawned another question, what am I not noticing about myself that others are seeing and I am not? That opened another door that says, you aren't ever going to be good enough, because you are flawed. As you can see that whole room in my brain is entitled, UnWorthy. What a huge load of crap. My insecurities aren't based on truth anymore than the person who passed judgment on me today. I am not angry at that other person, I am angry at myself for getting drawn into a self doubt mode. And angry at myself for REACTING to it at all. The same lesson over and over again gets really OLD. :sighs:

Being who I am is damn fine. I am human. I am not afraid to put myself out there and live, wrong, right or indifferent. I am fortunate that I am willing to live, as I want to pass that legacy on to a little man that may have some impact on slowly disappearing caring factor in my society. I refuse to be tunneled by the apathy and judgment by others. I care. DEAL with it. :smiling and alleviating doubts: