Grateful List - Only Partially done i can tell you that!

Things I am grateful for:

ART

Physics

My parents

My son

My sister

My brother

Wake

Donald

Terry M

Mondez

John

comfy beds,

clean sheets

the ocean

trees

cool evenings

sleep

mustard

popcorn

cars

gasoline

Calvin my old cat

Organic Soup Kitchen

Drea

Anthony

Tony

Sunny days

Rainy days

bowling

baseball

alcohol

oscillating fans

kissing

bare feet in the sand/grass

sunsets

mountains

caves

horses

Dogs

sandles/flip flops

cotton clothing

skin care products

hair care products

love

trust

movies

chalkboards

warm water

ice cubes

doctors

holistic medicine

Self Awareness

I don't know. I spent many many years trying to understand who I am. I have an good base, but due to self abuse and other stressful self inflictions, I feel I should take some time to get interested in what makes me tick RIGHT NOW. As a parent I have changed. Its not a bad thing! Being more adult in my behavior and choices, its good.

Empathy and elimination of what isn't working, those are the two main goals for MYSELF. Don't take it personally. I have to try and stabilize a little...

xo

dumb shit

you know there are a couple guys in my life that really LIKE me. My son LOVES me, so he is excluded!~ giggle. Men, they think like gods, act like children, expect to be worshiped, and believe in their constitution without question. women? lets acknowledge men for who they are.

and I admire them for all they are. :)

How

i met the love of my life one year ago today. he is amazing, tortured, assholish, creepy and silent. i think i am abolished for all good purposes. he cant hear me anyway. its best. W is a hope. I do love him. He doesn't love me. Or if he does? There is barely evidence.

I don't know why life gives us all these challenges. These tests. I look to one side of my bed to see a young man, a mini me, that holds on to dreams. Its so great to try and believe in that again, and tell him not everything comes true. Boys are better at reality than girls.

One min, in my past, i was in a large group of people. A man asked me a question. I said HOPE. Thats when i realized, there may not be any hope in this world. I can see my son looks to me for his understanding of it. i hope i can follow through!!

How can i teach him to be himself? giggle. He is doing just fine with that because i teach him to not QUESTION who he is. Teach your children how to do the right thing. Everything else is cake.

Vulnerable

How can he not feel insecure?... i see each day how he tries to defend a sacred space. Unaware, uninformed, but wise, he tries to keep footing.

No matter how much I love him, we are far from ever being perfect. Life is an organic experience. I am thankful he has a nurturing experience there. He is secure with me.

One more day, and then another! I love you Austin. Im not perfect, but perfect to teach you. Keep asking questions. xo

dreams

this year, i learned a strange lesson. Dreams don't come true. Pick the dream that fits your purpose. Your inner light.

My dreams are very very descriptive of current situation, often coming true. When i was young, it scared me. Now i see it as an asset... My mind is fluffy as I get older. thats not a bad thing.

I have many wonderful friends that explain manifestation to me. Describe how easy it is for me to obtain it. They are so very right. What is my resistance?

Ill sleep on it for a day or two. xo

Ponder

you will always look for me while you push me away. it sucks. but i love you for your crazyness. it makes SENSE to me.

life is a series of change that reminds us that being human is a limited perspective. i have NEVER loved anyone as much as you. But I do know, thats not all i am.  Or that maybe someone else will see me as I see this situation You consider me a fool. I don't think that of you AT all.

i want you.  we need each other. fuck control. fuck life. lets live. and be as happy as we can before its over. or move along and let me the fuck GO already.

I am an empath, acknowledge that connection. and let it go too. ty love

Cinderella

All my life i think I have held on to a belief that as a woman, I would find that ultimate "love". The cinderella factor. 

I watch these moments of hope in movies and hear them in lyrics of music. I don't give up or lean into inability. I am aging, and realize my cute factor has totally worn off. I know that I am a mess. I know that I am uncontrollable. But I am here, I love with all my heart, I have a huge heart, and love life.

I can't hope anymore. The last man I loved and felt wholly connected to pushed me into a closet. I love him. I wont ever let that go, but I will find someone that feels that for me, without conditions. 

Lifes a piece of shit, when you look at it. But sometimes? GREAT things happen. GREAT things. 

someday

Someone is going to say "I love you" and mean it! that will be another good day. I'm grateful.

Parenting anger

I realize that anger is a momentary condition. Its effects last a lifetime in some incidents. I was a part of a real battle this week. A battle of will, and anger warfare. I felt infantile afterwards, but helpless to resist that temptation.

Becoming a parent was a choice I made. I know that I am not the best at this job, but I do have to say, this kid of mine will arise as an individual, a free thinker. Knowing to test boundaries, knowing that intelligence is the only key to his future.

I may not be cute, or smart, or even a good artist, but I do know, even when i frack up in some moments, I am an awesome teacher for my son. Evidence is stacking up, and honestly, thats what counts.

Bravo Austin. Bravo.

NO more

I have spent too many years in relationships that fucking starve or suffocate me. YOU aren't doing that to me ANYMORE. NO parents, no kids, no friends, no psuedo lovers (because honestly, if someone was your lover and/or cared about you? they wouldn't treat you like you don't matter).

Take your shoulds and make a bed you are comfortable in. Remember, its your bed NOT MINE. and don't cross me. I have an ax and currently unafraid to chop off your useless controlling opinions.

Just STFU

you know sometimes I should learn when to STFU~

I wish there was a freakin OFF button... sigh.. sometimes a girl should clam it UP!

Connected

miss you. stop waking me up from miles away only to ignore me, OK?

sheesh. thats kinda selfish don't you think? i mean if you even care.

healing

i never believed in manifestation, it just always was.
I never was taught you could ask for what you want,
but now I know that clarity is the key to manifestation

I dont know how i am going to change the worlds thoughts, but its meant to be. i am not normal. Maybe the Austin man will further my quest, or complete it. Its not his battle, but it is his heritage.

how do we love? the only way possible, unconditionally.

today

i walked outside
i felt the rain
i witnessed a smile
i thought of you

im just a girl in the world. you changed my life. i am so happy you did.

Dont Stop Believing

he is going to be my biggest advocate

he is going to be my promoter

he is going to be a father

he is going to be a friend

he is going to be himself

he is going to be joy

he is going to be us

he is going to be a survivor

he is going to be available

he is going to be independent

he is going to be LOVE

he is going to be disciplined

he is going to be truth

he is going to be my partner.

I must pattern my life to attain my desires. so it is written.

Rockstar

All my life, i had a dream of being someone that changed peoples lives, changed their perceptions. I had a specific vision of how that was to happen. I was going to be a "rockstar". Shining, a burst, an unobtainable force. Life showed me the reality of that gift.

Who I am... I am a light. How does that work? Its like going into a mine with a canary, a few batteries, a prayer, and some really great boots. You have to know that what you can't see is what you are looking for. You have to trust that each step you take is guided by the reason you exist. You have to know that you are changing the current, even if you doubt your actions.

How do we see the next move? Its always a feeling. Train your children to trust that feeling. Its probably the only thing that can save our sociology. Beef up your karma folks. Thats how the machine works, and the only way we can beat the forces that seek our individual truths.

I am asking for forgiveness for anyone i created doubt in. I never meant to make you doubt yourself. That may be the worst sin I know of. Thank you for allowing me to learn and grow. xo

Mental

I wish people would be straight out about their lives, their illnesses, their weaknesses, etc. Their land-mine's blow up in our faces because we didn't know NOT to step there. Unless we are warned, we are not AWARE of their land-mines. The warning system is often flawed, because as humans, we are full of psychosis.

We all have issues to deal with, some more than others. Fighting those each day and trying to find someone to be peaceful with, including ourselves, thats the struggle.

I love you bb. I am sorry that you are struggling. And when I try to reach out you bite my hand, or call me names. I wont disappear or hurt you... i just have to back away slowly so i don't lose any other important limbs. There is a child in my life who needs me to remain mostly intact.