Arguments

Disagree
Agree
Words
they leave us

primal
fearful
scared
we react in kind

heart
hugs
compassion
come in forms

denial
escape
ignorance
your choices here

light
forgiveness
movement
i become alive

you
forgotten
misinformed
keep choosing. maybe.

conference
confidence
companionship
awaits me away from you.

FIRE

Your light
reminds me of
what i care to forget

your flame
grows silently higher
consuming the purpose

your heat
expands outward
mesmerizing cold bodies

eyes gleaming
from the scent
of the times
here and spent

fire burning down
fire flows around
bodies reaching out
to a smoking pyre

when the fire dies
we are left with ashes
praying for rain
to wash away the stench

and it has rained
the fire is out
the life is awakening
the fire lottery awaits.

Desert

What do I do in this lifetime?

How do I talk to the ones I love

There is something going down

And i don’t know how to go

forward from this fog

you chose another day

i wont be here when the train

comes back to the station

where you and I met

there isn’t a way back

you made me second

i wont forget that

friends or not you have

not been honest with me

by not being honest with yourself.

hide and seek isn’t coy

its the game of a little boy

trying to reach something

he was never meant to have

i walk.. further towards a smile

One that greets me in

a life that has sunshine

and people that allow

me to be in their confidences.

Ego and pride

they are side by side

in the way of love

i will never be able

to heal you or us

as you chose to let us die

and then another life 

goes sliding by.. and we wait. 

Dreams of Hollywood

Tonight’s dream had a shower, and then I was in Hollywood again. I was with a man that another friend of mine wanted to be with. She had to sons and was hitting on him while he and I were somewhere together. I had already felt that he wouldn’t be a match for me. but She had two sons that were very difficult and I felt that he would be a great father, so in my mind in the dream, he was perfect for her. Even though I desired the same thing I realized it wouldn’t be fair for anyone if I lied about my feelings just to have security. I was in a restaurant in Hollywood and there were some famous people there, and groups of people gawking at them. It was a concept restaurant where the middle of the place was lined with booths that went along a famous route (why famous I don’t remember but I think it had something to do with motorcycles).

I walked to the back of the restaurant and there was a man there I had known. He was standing as still as a statue (It looked like Donald B. to me) he was staring at me. I think he didn’t even realize he was staring at me until I said his name then he went all “actor” and went into some kind of act. It was a very odd feeling.

What i do find interesting about my dreams.. Lots of bathroom scenes.. and parking lot themes. I often wonder why that is. I also dreamt of Oprah Winfrey for MONTHS before coming to Santa Barbara... I think that I am going to have to move to Hollywood at some point... sigh. I sure don't like that idea. :(

Invisible Sigh

For so long now

aching for peace

in my heart 

the invisible sigh

coming over me

is the cloud

darkening hope again

the invisible sigh

when the voice

said you were mine

i never had doubts

the invisible sigh

belief of you

the hope rang

despite broken promises

the invisible sigh

i trusted in you

words indifferent

proof of depth

the invisible sigh

you walked towards

shiny distracting birds

I become memory

the invisible sigh

my heart is yours

i can let it go 

finding feet forward

the invisible sigh

a new heart

for me will be

delivered as a gift

the invisible sigh

truth will arrive

embracing hope

letting it fly again

the invisible sigh

egg laid gently

into the nest

born into season

the invisible sigh

and the wings

flutter past you

as an invisible sigh. 

Out of the Cave - Poem written 2005

i heard some words today
that came out of my mouth
surprising i had become her
that woman i didn't know at all

a woman who had to run
as soon as the door opened
for her that road was the only way
she had to leave that place

he kept her lonely and captive
in a dream that turned stale
and a life that was a prison
and he was the guard

you can never say love
is a mistake that you made
it is the heart you have and
shared with trust and compassion

as he walked across that line
to make my heart a piece of trash
i made a cave and crawled inside.
sat in the dark staring at the spark

i have never made a move again
to love or make a love interest.
i can love you with all my heart
but know this now any one

this fence may seem delicate
but it is strong like a web
and makes a beautiful sound
when plucked like a guitar string

your hand may be attracted
to its shine and glimmer
but it is not moving without
some gentle songs and words

it is a dream and yet tangible
its a smoke screen made of steel
and it protects a heart of gold
that is willing despite its dents

walk softly and sure
make your intentions pure
and at the end of the day
all her light will shine your way.

That Moment

You know, casual encounters aren't really casual people, there is an investment to each action you take in your life. When you engage in a "now" situation, it may bring on a cost that results in a terminal withdrawal of your energy. So, yea that one drink, smoke, denial, lie, rendezvous, purchase, slap, etc. may serve you in the moment, but what is it going to cost you down the line?

Todays ponderation, for me, "What am I doing right now, that is going to pay off in my future?"

WORD du jour - excrement...

AS a good mother, I have started a project/discipline, word of the day. Armed with the children's dictionary, I have set forth, using a white board, the word is written out including definition, spanish equivalent underneath, and attempting EDUCATIon! (i think...)

Today, the son and I were running late. AND we had a young man, a neighbor, riding along with us, SO, we started with the word of the day in the car. NOW as most of you men folk know, boys (and men) are obsessed with POO... farts, burps, sticks, stones and POO. Today's word, categorical, was up for discussion, definition and use but in the meantime, someHOW, this conversation lead to the word TERD, and then... poo, OF COURSE!

So this clever mom says, if you can't concentrate on the word of the day then you have to find a word that means POO for EVERY LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! (and away we go!) And so it began, thankfully it was a short ride to school... blessed thankful heavens!

How many can YOU name? Think about it! It actually isn't as hard as you might imagine... Consider yourself challenged!

My fav of course is DUNG... yea baby...

Me

I took this picture for a friend of mine, or someone I thought was my friend. You can tell by the look in my eye what that feeling was about.

 Ty for always being so fun. Ty for your generosity when I met you. Thanks for your patience with me, and bless your path forward. I hope the rewards you seek come to you in abundance, my dear friend, W

xo - Mermaid mel....

Daily Reflections

I always loved the "Daily Reflections of Jack Handy" on SNL... and now that FB has plucked the last of my tolerant short hairs, I will write here where it matters, to ME. Daily or weekly reflections.

I don't want a huge audience. I am guided to write things that come into my perspective that may help someone somewhere when they are feeling the same way, and need someone to hear or listen.  Just be able to say what is in my heart and mind without a lot of rhetorical analytical arm chair warriors dissecting it.

Welcome. Enjoy, or leave. Destruction isn't part of this playground, thanks for respecting that.

Acting

You know,  I often wonder how many parents are forcing on their children their own personal dreams. Living this close to LA, i imagine a LOT of them are pushing their kids into "acting".

This is  a sad sad thing in my mind.

Inside me?

The level of energy/insanity that comes out of a 10 year old child sets me on EDGE. I love having wonderful energy in morning, but when it becomes a tornado of chaos, it pushes me to the reactionary place... and the more you try to control it, the worse it gets.

You can't ignore it because its a life force energy. You can't quiet it because its a life force energy. You can't escape it when you live in one room. What is it inside me that feels so unsettled about it?

I wish I had 8 hours a day to contemplate things, hell I would settle for 2 hours a day of silence, my location and my house and my situation provide no privacy or silence. This has to change for the good of mankind!!!! lol

Your spiritual journey should NOT begin with a Doughnut

After a long visit with my family in Texas, well, even before that, I realized that my spiritual life is sadly lacking. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT talking about religion or god or even Buddha… I am talking about the spiritual path I am on with my humanity and the world around me. I have lost that faith in myself and the faith in the world. And that isn’t working for me.

Changes happen everyday, we walk, we talk, we fall, we rise, we live. Its part of our connection, our human experience. I have a serious internal naïve ignorance of my true self, which includes a part of me that wants to die. THAT has to end, and it will, how fast I don’t have any clue, but this path has begun again for me. Choices are being made as we breathe into this moment here.

Today’s spiritual path started with a doughnut!! Doughnuts are definitely one of the devil’s tools that puts a fog in our minds and bodies. (Homer Simpson drool and doughnut moan here). I have no clue to the solid attraction other than, its gluten, its sugar, it’s a finger food, its better when it’s warm, ie: holy crap, it’s a deity! Mixed with coffee, we expose the raging over reactive ‘aholics in all of us… NOT a good thing.

So, in light of this realization, I, the square woman of the edge of the continent, paradise, usa, deny the power of the doughnut over me.. (past this point of course). I am on a path of healing, and its time for gluten and sugar to get BEHIND me.. not in my behind. or my brain, or my thighs or arms or in my BELLY.

I am loved… by me to be free of this temptation, once and for all. This step has been taken to free myself .