dreams

Here is the an awesome dream.

I was living in a  really nice big house, nothing fancy but comfortable and old. 1880's old. Guess who came to live with me? My ex. My babies daddy. You know he isn't a bad man, he is a sick man. He came to the house and we were living together. He had come home from a long day at work. And he was a bit stand offish but seemed connected to me. And in this dream we talked about what was bothering him. He confessed to me that he always loved me and that he wasn't sure if i was right for him because of who I am. He stated that I was a good person and he wasn't sure he deserved me. He also said, that I had treated him in a way that he wasn't used to. He wasnt sure if we would make it because he is who he is and I am who I am (i guess that was his point).

I was so happy to see him (in my DREAM, remember that) and it wasn't a huge sex deal it was just a quiet evening in bed us talking and bonding. so peaceful. We agreed to stay together and make things work because we didn't like being separated. Our time together was so peaceful and wonderful. We just meshed well. and it felt like HOME.

There were other men in this dream. Maybe this dream was about me coming to terms with all my past relationships. Realizing in my way I loved and do love these men for what they are. AND even though they are history for VERY good/valid reasons, they changed my life. Heck one even gave me a kid! thats an awesome gift. Who I am is beautiful and appreciated. Being alone isn't awful, or sad, its just how things are for now. I will have love again, with someone who SEES me for me. And loves that about me as much as I love that about him.

NEXT! sheesh.... how did I get to the end of THAT line?

Angel Card

Ok Todays Angel Card: ROMANCE!!! yea. 

yea baby... Bring on the love. the permanent kind, the one that makes your soul shine, and keeps you mostly in a happy place with a smile on your face. I was a doubter, a long long time doubter. I thought i had found him, but he seems to have disappeared. No worries. I am renewed in my excitement that it is possible for me to have in my life someone that FITS me. And THAT isn't an easy thing. You don't find many that do. I wish he had the staying power i need in a relationship, but i have put up a new sign. Cowards need not apply. 

does patience mean you have courage? good question. tired of waiting.. i have learned patience. time for a new and better lesson.

Outdoor Shower

You know whats on the top of my wishlist right now????? An OUTDOOR shower... OMG... now granted I am not talking about a rain storm or having to take a shower at the public beach.

I am talking full on Hot water pumped bamboo fence cedar floor, warm water raining down on my sunkissed skin outdoor SHOWER!

Care to share? tis TIME!

Nose

Why can't I keep myself to myself sometimes???? Honestly, maybe if i tried doing some volunteer work again, i wouldn't feel so god awful important.. OR sorry for myself.

Maybe it would cut down on the chatter that comes from my lips and fingertips too... I apologize to all my buddies that have to deal with my spastic nature on those days. I hope you read this and feel the love I have for your tolerance.

xo

Romance

Where is the romance? I know that it exists. The last REAL romantic time I had was in September. I was on a date with a man that made me dinner. It was an amazing time. It wasn't fancy, or expensive, or even extravagant. It was peaceful, relaxed and sensual. Things didn't work out, for reasons he never shared with me, but all in all it was wonderfully romantic. And I thank him for that everyday.

Today I am feeling melancholy about things, and wondering when this will happen for me. I am not the   kind of girl that needs big ticket dates. I just want to be with a man that  makes me feel special, and I can do the same in return. Someone I can share love with and laugh with! All the time.

Ok. whats your most romantic moment in life?

Fathers Day

This day is the hardest day for me every year. Someday there will be an air of melancholy about the days we didn't have a dad as a part of our little home. I look forward to that being the case.

For now, I am grateful for the choices I have made and will continue to brave through this world being blessed with a great son!. xo

A huge amount of gratitude to the man that is MY pappy. I love you dearly father.

I dont want:

I don't want :
to think bad things of you or for you.
to hear you beat up yourself or give up on yourself.
You to give up the happiness we feel when we connect
You to say no to living a joyous life.
You to continue this battle in your mind with useless words
You to let the world or the opinions of others get you down
You to forget to treat your heart with the same respect you treat your head.
You to be so shut down
You to have negative bs ruling your life
You to forget what being childlike is and how it benefits life

I do want:
To see your sweet smile.
To hold your hand
To watch a sunset on the beach
Remind you that all is possible
To remind you that human contact is necessary
To talk to you while we lay together
To refresh your faith in who you are inside
To let our connection be what it is... awesome.
Look in the mirror love, its all inside you. What is happening outside isn't going to change your greatness.... and its not holding you back from the love you deserve, you're fear is. Lose the argument of the worlds conditions and believe in yourself again. And watch the change that manifests for you.

I promise to stand with you and not faulter. Xo

Motivated

Today i have a renewed sense of motivation. I don't know where it stems from, but i feel free and forward thinking.

Thank you universe for allowing me the power to stand my ground and reinforce that although i might sound crazy to some people, the way i feel is right on for me.

Get OVER yourself.

I have offered over and over again to assist you in anyway. We all need people to care about us. You looking down your nose at someone who is offering you their love and compassion makes you a selfish idiot and a fool.

Yea Jekyll and Hyde, I am talking to you. Get a grip... its going to be fine. It just isn't as pretty as it may have been in the past, but its just a blip in the long road of life. And the blessing is, it makes you appreciate more what you had doesn't it? Learn to be grateful, not hateful.

I completely care, but thats insignificant to you it seems. When you decide that my compassion and worth is special, you give me a jingle. Maybe I'll answer the phone, maybe i will ignore you, like you ignore me... most likely I will be there for you with a smile, a hug and a day out just enjoying life. Because I believe in you. 

We are all human. We all make mistakes and find ourselves broke down on the side of the road. People stop to help you, give you a hand, pull you up and dust you off so you can walk with your head held high. Pity parties are for pussies. Snap out of it man.

xo

Date

you know, I had a date a while ago... a real date. I think my last real, "man pays for it and we talk" date must have been in December.

I have asked myself a thousand questions about how remaining single is the best. How to show gratitude and remain positive about my current situation. I know that most times in my life I chose the lesser of two evils upon being with someone or breaking up with them. I have always been the sort to stick around too long in waiting for someone to be there for me, like I have been for them. This time frame has grown shorter and shorter as life continues to roll out in front of me.

Universe, I am grateful to have deep beautiful feelings that will someday be shared with another kindred spirit. Someone that laughs easily, loves music and isn't afraid to trust again. Someone that I can nurture and spend time with staring at the ocean or just taking a walk. An artist, craftsman, creative type that follows a beat similar to mine. Someone that is fearless about taking the path less likely and coming up to the top of the hill with positive and affirmative emotions. Someone willing to take the extra step all relationships require. Someone that will share the burden of pain we will each face in our individual lives. A union that was started deep in each of our souls before we met and grows further upon our becoming one. A man, a friend and a lover.

yea. its time. I haven't had one like ever so, I hope my impatience can settle down and allow.  BUT gotta have a date first... learn to talk to one another. lets get this party STARTED~!!!

Inventory

So, I have been thinking about all of my life. Taking "inventory" of all my experiences... and realized that I am a wealth of varied experiences!!!

Oh you wouldn't even believe the places I have been. I haven't been a world traveler as such, but I have been a lot of places and seen a few things. I would LOVE to go more places and have a feeling that is in my near future... woohoo!!!

First I have to get past this hurdle I am facing, but its not an unsurmountable one. Its just a few miles away, so I am walking towards it.

be my guide, be my companion, be my friend. but baby? be there... its no fun alone. xo

NO more rooom mates.

After what I have been through with this person who is not capable of being an adult... NO more... I am done. Seems she is going to continue to try and take advantage of me. I am pulling out the big guns.

Now I just need a little muscle to assist me with the intimidation end of things... whose up for a week stay at chez Melanie? Intimidation ONLY of course.... payment is free meals and massages!