Keep Me

How hard is it for us to face the truths of our choices? Remember to honor yourself for making any choice you do make. We are just weaklings clinging to the promise of a beautiful tomorrow. We create all we eventually perceive. Keep your pace beloved. Keep your wisdom. Keep your originality.

You showed me that my originality was something worthy. Im here to be your best friend. Let it BE.

Jeff

Last night I had a dream about my ex, Jeff. We were together in a house with Austin, our son. We hadn't seen him in a long time, I think it was some kind of holiday and we remet at church. We were having fun with taking a shower, and watching baseball on TV. Lots of things were happening, Padres on TV... anyway, at one point we were laying in bed talking about love. The discussion I think was about how women and men have a Hate/Love situation going on all the time, we hate to love them but we do... I looked at him and I said, yea I hate to love you but i do. He said, yea you do.

I actually DONT! so, I am wondering what the message is in that vision? Who in my life now, reminds me of Jeff, in the sense of relationships? Someone I may need to let go of quickly as to not ride that wild stallion into self hatred territory again. There were a lot of truths in that dream! Things to look for, and be grateful for; friends, connection, judgement, peril, property and its value, but the impact of love most of all.

Love is a wrangley octupussy. So many things are caught up in there... I know what I want! Hands down, and its something I have felt recently. I realize getting to the point of having what i want means I clear up some life business, mainly work and settling into my true passion. I will just be patient to find him again, the man that is fated to be my partner, someone as uniquely odd and creative as I am, but with opposite strengths so that we can make each others lives easier and more peaceful.

Theres a moment

There is a moment when you realize
The sounds you hear strike different vibrations in your soul than others
the things you see aren't unique, you see them uniquely
the images you create are a surreal cast of your own dreams.

Thats when you grow in all directions towards finding a light you can live with.
A passion that keeps you reaching for the light from the darkness.

Life is a balance of both. keep reaching moment by moment.

mm - 2012

How to evaluate whats important

There come times in our lives when the universe tosses us off, and says, you have been complacent long enough... you asked for change, WHAMO. Change you got. I am presented a wonderful opportunity to once again shift my life.

I am at said crossroads. It will be interesting to see who appears or reappears to help me, because that will be part of my next transition. As capable and as strong a woman I am, its going to take a village for me to accomplish this one gracefully.

Send me loving thoughts of strength, tenacity and support. xo

let go

While growing up, I never realized that men like to make women feel like they are important. I never realized they wanted to feel as connected as we do. Mostly what I got from men was a physical connection the transfered as emotional.

I love the men in my life, because they are who they are, physical before mental.. AND in my mind right now, there is only one man that keeps me wanting to see more. I hope he knows I see how sad he is. I let go. baby, you are amazing just the way you are.

so cliche, and so true. my mind wont change on that.. like, EVER. 

Magic Castle

Off Highland and Franklin is an establishment called "The Magic Castle". I was invited to go by a good FRIEND that really has shared some amazing experiences with me in southern California   I looked forward to it for 2 weeks, went, totally had a great time. Made me want to try to do magic tricks, in a way. Seriously, I think I could totally do card tricks! But I am a dreamer.

The reason I am writing this is I want to learn from this experience. This night reminded me that magic is everywhere. We are all magicians. Some of us get do it professionally. How fucking lucky are these people? What's MY magic trick? Where do I shine that causes others to notice me and help me feel satisfied? There is an answer I have been fighting for years, because I don't realize my full potential. I haven't had substantial experience in self actualization. My talents are sensual, and so taboo in this puritanical society. I can't sell out, like ever. I have created a rocky path.

Its time for me to take into account my healing, psychic, mother earth abilities that will bring me affirmation and cash flow. Sadly ALL I have ever wanted to do is be a DJ. I am a music JUNKIE! I have the music and the lyrics in me. I think my purple cow moment will be GRANDMA radio~ not your average every day rebel, just a sagging bitch with intelligence and an attitude!

How magical is that!!!!!!

A day to think

I have a day off, and I drove to LA to spend time with a friend. Today everything just sank into place, which allowed me time to be uncomplicated and have some linear thought. I don't get that kind of time very often. I live alone with my offspring, the mini me, the artist in the making, a spontaneous combustion of superior intelligence that wears me like a coat! I am such a sucker for that kid. Currently,  we are in counseling to discuss our issues but we seem to keep stepping the same steps. I hope that Katrina and Martha can help is define a middle ground, which isn't happening easily between us. Family relationships are the deepest you have in your life in regards to effecting your thinking process and emotional reactions. This one is going to work, as they all do, I want it to make us better people in the long run. I hope I can do it.

Its so interesting to see his mind develop. So often, he does something that reminds me of how i was as a child. Or even now, as I have remanded a childlike attitude most of my life, much to the dismay of anyone that has to deal with me on a personal level. I tend to be outspoken, self absorbed, misguided by naivety, and outright foot stompin obstinate. And I wonder why I have a child that is that way!

I am appreciated and loved, as is my son. He has a way to go ahead of him and I hope that I can be a suitable teacher. If i can't, I hope that I can find surrogates that fit his personality and allow him an easier path along the landmine that is life experience.

Today I have had time to think. I have thought about my son and my own desires of where I want my life to go. I want a studio, for my creative manifestation. I hear music in my head, and i see pictures i have been drawing for months. My son needs to see mommy in her element. I hope I am offered that opportunity to let him sit in the passenger seat, and be my copilot in yet another adventure for the Mitchell family of two.

love to my friends and family see me for who I am, and love me anyway!!!!

My friend teaches me

In my dream last night there was rain and an uphill climb with work, and a good friend.

This morning I woke up feeling recharged and focused, and a thought immediately popped into my head. Maybe its not me, Maybe someone is keeping their distance to protect me from getting hurt.

I don't understand humans, but I try. This thought came to be very clearly. I know its truth.

Something

So many days, i ponder what is my life for? I know that is a question we all seek answers to. I am not where near the answer.

Where has this road lead me? I was around people the other night and felt all alone. I am tired of feeling that way.

Sometimes things aren't what they seem, and you may not understand them for a very long time. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem. Those are the easy things.

Even IF

Even if you never ever love me, even if you never care, even if you never accept our connection, I get to love you without limitations. Im not going to live in a world that wont respond to my affections, but I am happy to see you for who you are and LOVE you for that. Men will want me. i am too precious to be alone, or waiting for you to SEE me. I love you. I wont stop.

ONE day, in this beautifully miserable life i have chosen, I will see him. the other side of me, that feels what I do, and he will see me. He wont let me go. And I wont let his beauty go to waste either.

Its so odd that I am such an old soul, and still I havent found someone that is as strong as me.

Parent - Teacher

So, last night we had our parent - teacher conference. These are ALWAYS great for me, for many many reasons. I will make a bullet list in this regards, but first I am going to say that my gratitude to the universe knows NO bounds in regards to my son's school. Each day I thank whomever brought us here, and pointed me to that place. Its been a sanctuary for my child and for me. Its making him into a self assured, honest, caring, gentle, directed and intelligent man.

The process starts with the teacher bringing out a goal sheet, AND a self assessment sheet that the child has filled out. So it proceeds with a discussion of the strengths and weaknesses the child sees. The entire conversation is prepared to support the child in understanding where he is doing GREAT and where he can use improvement based on his OWN vision and not that an adults perception. What a concept huh?

This year Austin has a male teacher, and it is GREAT for him to see this man as a role model. What he is learning from bryan is to be focused and true to himself. Bryan is a gentle giant, in the sense of he is an individual that is clear and patient with his own boundaries, and gives honest, positive, and supporting advice. He isn't the only teacher to be that way, that is why his school is so special. That type of support comes from each person on campus. Its honest, caring and consistent. The way they address each other is with respect and regard. There isn't insincere compliments or humiliation or shame.

Sigh, what i wouldn't give for every child to have that kind of upbringing. Its amazing to see the difference in Austin that from other public school educated kids his age. He respects adults and talks to them with ease. He is inquisitive and unafraid of asking questions (part of that comes from me forcing him to seek answers from others).

Anyway, I'm tired of writing for now.. More on this topic in the future. I just wanted to acknowledge the growth of my part of the world.

Feed Me

This holiday season, I have been insatiably hungry! But food doesn't seem to be feeding that hunger.  The reason I say that is because I keep putting food into the gullet, and still feel unsatisfied. What is pushing that desire? That longing to be filled? I know one is a physical relationship with someone, but deeper than that a longing is haunting me.

Something spiritual is brewing up desire south of my equator. I have had sessions with a great therapist which has lead me to some answers. I know that I have spent many years beating myself up, and I need to focus on finding a middle ground between hating myself and being too egotistical in caring about myself.

Focus is the key word. Issues with my stomach and intestines are from my inability to remain stable progressive growth, spiritually. What keeps coming up is creativity, art and writing. I will write every day, and attempt to make one sketch every day. I will look for an apartment/studio where I can educate my son to find his own voice through his creativity.

Focus, redefine, focus, redefine, focus, fine tune... focus! Life is change. thats GOOD news.

You know, one word

No matter what, i always smile when i think of you! i can see your face when I see your words. yea. thats a lucky break for me.

I don't care who thinks I'm a sappy so and so, bite me. I'd rather be happy than a pain in the ass to everyone around me. Its more advantageous and gathers more abundance to me.

Yea. I am going to find a studio space this time around, instead of living in a house. My son and I can make art and music the rest of our lives, with out judgement or control from anyone else. Just creativity.

Wanna join in? We need a third party!

I need help!

You know these days its all I can do to keep hanging on to the end of this rope. There is a better life waiting. I am not sure how much I can accomplish physically, but the task is at hand to move out and move on to the next home. I know we need it, I want a fresh start in a lot of areas in my life.

Universe, send me warm bodies to help me lift and store my belongings and settle into an updated, and positive life. Send my love to the ones that can feel me.

I was reminded.

I never thought someone like you existed either love... But here we are. Running faster and farther away, wont make it any less so. Im not your typical female, and you aren't a typical male. Stop fucking that beauty up with your brain, and let your heart sink back into your body. Lets love and move forward together or away from each other.

Analyzing, trivializing  pontificating and procrastination any situation will not rearrange the chemistry or the physics. It will delay, maybe even lifetimes, the inevitable collision of said atoms.

Relearn yourself love, be patient with what IS, let go of the illusion of how you think things should be. It hasn't served you yet, and will continue to NOT serve you.

I don't have any agenda other than caring what happens to you in all capacities. Find your smile crazy clown. The balance is out of whack, get back on track!

Moving along

I love life. I do, I really do... It seems the year 2012 for me really was the end. The end of a lot of things, one more which is headed my way RIGHT now... a move.

Every move I have made in MY life has lead me to something GREATER than the place before. I know this is meant to be and will exalt me to my next level. I just wish I wasn't always having to do these things alone. I could use an extra set of hands and lips around just to take the sting out of harsher moments. Not to mention help me with the heavy lifting.

Bring it on universe... You have me down now, might as well keep on kicking, because I'm NOT giving in. no matter how much blood is spewing out of my arssenal.

Giggle Bunny

My comedian status is intact. My son and i were driving home from school/work, and he said to me "Mom!!!! say something funny again. You're so funny!" a great reminder that levity is a relief and I am GREAT at levity!

giggle bunny checking out. xo

Art

Art is pretty damn cool if you ask me. In all its forms. Even BAD art is cool! It shows that people are thinking!!!!! Creating, going outside the boundaries to find a purpose and a commitment to their passions.

Today I was looking at a simple drawing, a cartoon and the question came to me that haunts me in my artist shoes. Why am I so hesitant about illustration? I think that illustration is probably the highest visible form of 2 dimensional art... When you look at a quick cartoon pencil or pen drawing, its amazing how the simple lines make forms, and yet I am baffled or resistant when it comes to putting these lines on paper. I have battled this for 2 years and am behind on a book I OWE a friend. Time to put THAT right, how ever I can, which might include art therapy!

You know, for me,  hesitation creates a vacuum  If I allow that dark side its space, I spend the majority of my valuable time (in regards to a project) trying to fight the power of a black hole. I get stuck just trying to get out of it instead of moving forward and just doing it.

Art, its whats always kept me from complete depression and it seems I have spawned an artistic child. BONUS! Training a young artist will be super cool, IF he can listen and trust my guidance. Kids and parents, is rebellion of nature. Kid says, "I can't possibly be like you because you are flawed!" Parent says, "If only I had listened to my parents."

sigh. Life = cyclical. Art = growth. Meditation = necessary. Freedom = choice. More ART please!

So far

My friend said to me yesterday, Youre kinda ballsy. I laughed and reminded her things needed to get done, and I wasn't going to hold on waiting for some idiot to tell me what the right thing to do was. I like to get things done, so I do them. She smiled and agreed. I just base this temperament on a life that has had many battles, and I proudly honor many scars.

I have traveled thousands of miles, survived pleasant or unpleasant consequences and trials of human nature. Each step makes me a stronger individual, more resilient in nature, more abundant in character and more accepting of the things I can not change. Learning that allowing myself to be WHO I am means allowing more of others to be who they are. Thats not an accepting thats an allowing, and understanding that I don't have to accept who they are, I can allow them to be, and I can be me, choosing to NOT keep them in my life.

What still astonishes me is the point where people have a rare occurrence of allowing connection to people that are in your destiny for so many reasons, and they choose willingly to avoid that connection. Friends, extended family, lovers, strangers, no matter the relationship, even a casual meeting with eye contact is a connection. I just speak of choosing in a moment of time and opportunity, when you realize there is a spark, why not just act upon it. Choose to follow the physics of your being, and allow that magnetism to recharge you and lead you.

Dont use "experience" or "history" or exterior facts that have NOTHING to do with your experience to hinder what is so obviously something created beyond your base humanity, and ego. I am that person who wanders, some say like a fool, following a guidance that is based on trusting my inner voice. Naive, yes. Rich? always. Dangerous? never.

Who are you and who do you want to be? Dont keep telling yourself a lie. Wake up and be the truth. Shake the history, cast off the leeches, scoff at naysayers, and keep on singing your song, banging your drum, painting your canvas, writing your version, and know that NO one is going to really steal anything from you. If anything they have given you a tremendous gift. The gift of becoming even more you than you were before. And being a better person for realizing you dont have to hate or regret. You can learn and grow.

Gratitude in the face of betrayal or deception of those you love is the hardest of all these lessons. I know this one very very well. Still, I refuse to let that shit become my shit. I may not know all that I want, I do know what I have and I do know it always gets better.

Surfing, swimming, paddling, treading water, floating, coming back to shore to dance again with someone that chooses to accept and grow in their lives by being connected in a real sense, without fear, judgement or hypocrisy. Its not happened always that its the best thing, but it is the right thing. So far.

Jellies

Okay, putting them out on the table again with my buddy Amanda! Gonna see where this takes us this year. She does a doorstep dinner program, and I hope these will become a part of her "service".

Residual income RULES! and tasty residual income? Well, is just, TASTY!

Persecution

How many nights have you woken up in a cold sweat from a persecution/torture dream? Today was one for me. 

Dreams last night were of the oriental torture in the woods nature, people shot at close range, women and children hacked up while still alive, the final feel of freedom as you escape only to be overtook and slowly killed. Awful. And even though I know it only lasted for a few seconds, in dream time it was half an hour while this story unfolded of a man and woman that were being persecuted because someone falsely betrayed them. They were a part of a larger group bur this"story" was centered around them.No more details because seriously it was like watching a horror film. I woke up from a DEAD sleep, and feel like lead, half dead, terrified and thankful all at once. 

These nights are the ones that are some kind of residual which clearly is trying to get my attention. So I guess I am grateful that I am living in a fairly free of persecution existence.  And maybe being single isn't all that bad, for now.