Sometimes when you meet someone new and start having conversations there is a connection on a deeper level. But there is always two sides in life (ying/yang). So its longevity is based on the interests of both. You are bound by their limitations, resistances and history. They only open as much as they allow themselves. And life goes on in and around this tornado.
Not sure why the world works in these ways, nor am I unhappy about it. You find people that fit a particular situation, you connect for the brief time its meant to be a connection. Then once its light dies, you walk off in hopes of finding a similar situation. One that lasts a bit longer than the previous one. One that feels like you are at home. One that you know will bring around a smile each time you hear their name. And hopefully they will remain true to being a friend. Remain constant to being available even when you are bitchy and uptight.
I, too, am only human and with my own limitations. I know recently I have let someone down but not without giving it a good try to see if I could “just be friends”. I found myself becoming intolerant of a condition that this person consistently overlooks. And instead of being an adult and saying it in a mature fashion, i reacted. I think it was supposed to happen that way. The only way I could get out without making a big scene.
I hope I find a someone to share my heart. I have found someone that I like, makes me feel comfortable, without any major drama. A different feeling than I have felt with any other man. But in all honesty? I see it as just a stepping stone to the next meeting. Again. And isn’t that what all experiences are in life? I am getting weary of all the traveling, heart wise. My heart is heavy with scars. It is wrongly conditioned to be distrustful. And too naive for its own good even after all its experiences.
Am I in the wrong to keep buying the hope and dream of having a life long friend? Or am I just being tested over and over until i am ready? Or is this some kind of payback from a previous life? I sure hope my friend will always be my friend. But recently someone I thought was a friend left me. Abandoned me. Someone I thought would always be there for me. A deep bleeding gash is there. And will be for some time. I can’t forget him. But I wont cry anymore over it. Unless its late and I come across something we shared and I am tired. And feeling lonely.
Thank you supreme being for feelings. Even though I know that sometimes they cause me the most excruciating pain I have ever known, its also provided the most generous of joys. Nothing is perfect which is just fine by me. Where are you friend? I miss you. Find me. Lets finally smile and sing in the between everything else times.
