Driving and Parking.

I had the most MARVELOUSLY spooky dream yesterday. I was driving up a parking structure, with a car full of people, and we got close to the top climbing the up ramp. When we got closer to the top, the ramp turned to a mushy/fleshlike substance. You ran to help us. You were standing by a pillar, and when you pushed to hard on it, it broke, and made the sound of breaking bones. It seemed to me like you finally broke through to an awakening, or something new. Then, you and I continued to work together to get our car up to the top of the parking garage.

I wonder what it all means.

Expectations are killers.

People, expectations are just little signs that get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Own it. In the meantime stop putting your signs in my lawn. My personal belief is that expectations always let you down. I want a full experience with people that are willing to withstand the time it takes to understand one another, give things a second chance, and capable of understanding that expectations inhibit reality! Now reasonable expectations are good, but... some people go to the extreme. I had a few these last couple of months and the shot me in the foot.

Expectations be DAMNED!!! Here comes that ship. Its not exactly what I wanted, but hell its a trip I am going on! no matter how short.

Bon Voyage! for now.

AH... humor. HA!

ok ok. can you tell my frame of mind lately!? I think I need one of those. (giggle)

Wow

I don't know. I just don't know. One min I thought, this is the answer. The next min I realized I might not be ready! The next minute I was ready to cry.

This is not easy. And I can't keep my mind still. Wanting to hear what really is happening.My mind traveling to a point of saying, do I turn men off THAT bad??  Knowing that I have to keep my mind on me. Listening to my heart and body talking in conflicted dialogue.

steady on girl, steady on. be patient.

SuperCallafragalisticEXPEE!!!

So this morning, my cornerstone of creative monumental discovery and wisdom gave me a shout. W.D. started a challenge with me, and the INSTANT she did, I had a huge influx of ideas. I swear, that woman often saves the day for me while she does it for herself and I benefit, and doesn't even realize she is doing it. Its amazing to me how CONNECTED she and I are in so many ways. I have found that with very, very few people. That ability to be there for and with those connections is the reason I get out of bed each day. TRIP out. You know the INSTANT you see that person and/or connect with them. The energy they draw out of you and breath into you just floors all other relationships.

Wow, how lucky am I!!! Ok P.C. lose the gloom, get out of that room and into the surf. Ride it cowboy!

Coal

My question today: Am I learning patience or intolerance?

You know, I might have said things that confused you or you misinterpreted. My heart tells me you are the kind of person I can say anything too. If nothing else, that's who I want you to be. I feel you from across the miles, sitting still, watching, waiting, making decisions based on a severe lack of evidence. A few minutes of time and space in my presence would calm and soothe you dear, you just have to reach for this cool, translucent, multifaceted diamond. Stop snubbing it and trying to turn it back into a lump of coal. You don't have to add it to your collection, just let it be what it is! This is not a coincidence by any means.

Life is a road with many directions. You often take the one less traveled. How can this joyful occurrence be any different? I am a simple woman. I see things as they are, and I often smile because I can. Even coal can shine, but why be coal when you can be a diamond?

Reflect.

Snuggly Bear

Hey Snuggly Bear, i was thinking. Maybe we could pack the tent, the sleeping bag, and a few essentials in the car and hit a campsite. Are you up for that? Cranky Mama Bear needs some time out in the wilderness to relax. Give me a call, and lets hit the road. xo

You tried that didn't you?

Maybe I am a total prude (um, not likely btw) but, today's lil gem of a conversation set me thinking about the adults I encounter in this world.

Meet for coffee with someone, against a parameter I set up for myself. We enjoyed intellectual conversation up to that point, so I thought it would be nice. ha. It wasn't bad just odd. Part of our conversation leads to him stating a question about friends with bennies. I verbalized my take on it. He states he met a woman online whose husband wants her to have something on the side, because he does. AND his question was, what do you think of that!? I asked, are you going to do it? He was undecided and non committal to an answer about it.

Sigh. Really? I have evolved this far in my life, and experienced all that I have and this is the class of people I get to meet with? I laughed and told him the truth as I know it. That in my little part of the universe, when I am in a relationship, I respect the person I share my body with or their body with me. I don't see that sharing it with more than one person at a time is beneficial to any sort of relationship, including the one you have with yourself.

Breakfast over! I get a nice note via text saying, we don't fit. You aren't willing to sleep around and include me in that group, plus you have a kid, which doesn't fit my plan especially if you aren't going to sleep with me... My boss says to me this morning, You are not going on anymore dates unless I meet them first, and make sure they are worthy of you.

Sweet, but unnecessary. Today's lesson? Stick to your guns. Forgive yourself when you set yourself up for failure, and know that this is an obstacle course, and you aren't the obstacle. Second dates are possible, but not with this fella! I have been "DISMISSED". (whew).

What I learned

the only person that really matters here is me. the only person i can count on is me. I must make sure this beautiful woman keeps herself comforted and calm. I will keep my candle lit for you. In the meantime, i am going to get limber, learn a few new dance steps, create my own realm of wealth and fence off the field of frogs I am forced to cross in order to find you. And dude that stood me up? GONER McGonerson... that was your last chance. and you had a FEW.

yo PRINCE. you better be spectacular in word and action, cuz this deed is likely to wear me out.. i will be happy to see you and there is a set of soft lips that will be waiting to reward you in all the right ways... and the wrong ones! :giggle:

before

Before all the sh*t went down today, even the bad yoga class, I saw your face clear as day, smiling at me! a beautiful, welcoming happy come hither smile. TY for that.

Why

Dude, REALLY? Stop trying to sell me your sob story. YOU are responsible for dumping me. YOU are responsible for choosing that flake over me. YOU are responsible for the SUCKAGE in your life. YOU have created that ditch you are crying in. I gave and gave waiting for you to see how you sabotage life, then you cut out. Stop calling me asking me for FAVORS... sheesh!

Me? I am smiling finally after dredging out all the hate and burning it away. I realize that I am going to choose more wisely, and stay out of your convoluted chaos. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. in fact, I am not sure I feel sorry for anyone anymore. We all have choices. I have lived through quite a few BAD ones. Now? Present me with better ones, oh universe of abundance.

A few honest words...

I'm a Gatherer

This Script song has been stuck in my head since I heard it on Thursday. Its way poppy, cheesy, and corny. The reverb set on this mans voice, the soft simple harmonies that fit underneath, and the words that repeat soothe me in a "message fits here" spot. Some days those types of melodies keep your feet walking forward. I will never forget the first set of tunes that got my feet walking with purpose, Mr. Elton John, with his album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Subsequently, I went through a progression of piano players, as the sound of a piano sings to my soul like a rain storm. Music awakens me to thoughts and visions directing me to transcribe events into words with a creative necessity.

In our lives we follow the series of events and are masters of destiny in a precarious way. Control is just a plank we stand on over an infinity of opportunities. Don't be afraid of that singular stance that keeps us tethered. Isn't it beautiful to see the balloons floating by, all the various colors that present themselves? We reach to collect them into bunches so we can hold on to their splendor for a moment longer and absorb all they offer. We are forced to let go when they start to deflate, in order to keep our balance. No worries my dears, another balloon soars by in an instant.

Fear of losing is just a fear. Fear of "not obtaining" is just a fear. Fear is a cage you can choose to live in your whole life. You are the only key-master of that illusion. I am so grateful to have been the oldest of my siblings. I realized at an early age destiny wasn't based on the ideals of others. Its based on the ability to maintain a balance of what is right and select a balance of those rights to maintain my freedom. The bravest of us stand on our planks abandoning fear,  one hand reaching for balloons while the other is letting go. I have found music gives our gathering rhythm. The words allow familiar descriptions which comfort and soothe us. Jump or sway, soar or dip, waltz or pogo, its your dance. Find a song that fits your life today. Tomorrow another balloon will soar by and offer you a different perspective.

Your own talents will send balloons into others gathering and give someone else a glimpse of your perspective.  This fish LOVES her ability to swim amongst all of you, gathering your balloons as they soar by. Hope you grab some of mine too.

FU & Gonna Get...

Gonna Get Over You, is my son's fav song. Mine is that Cee Lo Green song FU. TY SARAH!!!



"Goodbye, Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by, Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue, Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone, the wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end, My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My why not me? philosophy began, And I say

Ooh, how I'm gonna get over you? Ill be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay Ill be alright, just not tonight, Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me, Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands Well, no more, I wont beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for? Its not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be, I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me, And I say"

Connection

No matter how far I get from it, its weighted on my mind. Each day, I let it go into light and love, and yet you return. I walk out and seek the others, and yet you return. Come and sit by my side and lets discuss this thing. It doesn't even have to move anywhere, I just want it out of my head so I can sleep. 

Life doesn't offer us that many chances for this kind of lightening to strike. Don't let pride or misconceived understanding be your guide. Walk out there and test it for yourself. Be brave.

The games people play

I have had a long life of games with men. I have been verbally abused and physically assaulted by my partners. I have also been emotionally abandoned by my partners. I understand that in life we make our choices to how we are treated, and in observing my history, it breaks my heart that I felt so low for so long. I have allowed my low self esteem to keep me deep in self pity and anger. It kept me in abusive relationships because I didn't believe I deserved any better. Now, I realize those truths and I can't go back there. Please don't make me.

I am up a few branches and can see the road a bit more clearly. I see now that I am done with games. I am done with useless words and hidden agendas. I cherish honesty, I cherish connection. If you can't step in the light with me, then I will leave you behind. That isn't a personal attack, its avoiding wasting anymore time on people that want to keep living in the same ole shaite. Living the same pattern over and over again creates illness in mind and body, and keeps the blame outside of self. As you know, there are no coincidences in life. If you choose to keep your hands over your eyes, then your playground will never change and you will continue to have self absorbed people using you.

That being said, if your choices are as such, enjoy the games! I am sure the costumes and conversations will be sparkly!!!! You know, in a cheap taped together Disneyland wanna be sorta way. I am seeking guru's of truth, who speak to me with words of kindness, connection, and whole hearted sharing, nothing held back, bringing to both of us all the glory this universe has in store!! You could come along with me, if you have the guts to ride the big waves. If not? I pray your choices will satisfy you. My heart wishes you love, light and peace in all your endeavors.

Yoga

 

Yoga. It really really gets you in touch with your body. I had forgotten how much I love it until today. 

Goal: Ultimate Flexibility. 

yea I need a little more "gymnastic togetherness" in my life. STAT!

a Want

Do you remember that scene from LA Story where the Steve Martin and Sara McDowel are walking down the street and they segue from adults to children? That's what I want.

Someone that makes me feel young and hopeful again. Someone that shares that vision of the world. Someone that can laugh along with me and see each day with a fresh set of eyes. Despite all we know to be true, we can step over that negative experience boundary and reach for the happiness.

(friends, lovers, or nothing, John Mayer. this guy is an under rated guitar player!!! imo)

That Day

Yesterday I was talking with a true friend about that day. She asked me if I had sent you a message telling you all the things I thought about our encounter. I have sent you thoughts, but I also I know I haven't revealed my true feelings to you. I have tried. I let your lack of connection or response guide my actions. My heart is guarded, I blame history and I label it damage control. If I choose to live there, what will I get in return? The same. A cold hell that only echos a voice of longing and desire, with none of the vibrations being able to exit that room. Sad lonely tones of my own voice, saying where are you? Where did you go? I deserve that voice to be heard and bring back a hero, a friend, a comrade. Time to be brave.

No matter what becomes of it, that day mattered. It was intense for me. The tingling joy I felt when I heard your voice for the first time. The anticipation and laughter in our voices as we walked down the path towards each other. The words you spoke sounded like you had plucked them right out of my brain. The amazement at how that hasn't happened to me in a very very long time, if ever. Being nervous about disappointing you, what was my body going to be covered in? Would my energy be pleasing to you? How should I greet you? Running up and jumping into your arms might not be the right way to enter it, but I felt like doing just that. And yet I held back. A societal call on my part.

As I sat watching you prepare things, I couldn't stop watching you work, thinking how lovely to watch someone so intent on purpose. Your hands mesmerized me. I watched and wondered about all the things those hands had done in their lifetime. Who they touched, what they created, how they would feel. Seeing how much you enjoyed the process of what you were doing made me realize you have deep passion. Listening to you tell the stories of your life was like listening to my own story. I just wanted to sit on that blanket and soak it all in for a long time. The confirmation that what I felt with you before that moment wasn't a figment of my imagination or a misguided hope. Isn't life wonderful? I thought that over and over again. Even the gloom couldn't douse that light.

I have often thought about going to pick up a pair of wool socks, because, that was genius man, pure genius. And it would be a permanent reminder of that wonderful day. I wanted to snuggle up to you and really get close, but I kept hearing a voice saying, go slowly. He wants slowly. Go slowly into that dark night. Maybe that was you or maybe a friend keeping me safe.

The fire finally went out, the babysitter kept sending me messages and we had to exit. I have to share something with you about that walk on the beach back to the car under the blanket. There is nothing I wanted more than to be under that blanket with you, but I kept falling off the sand ridge! And the rock? wow... I would have stayed there on your arm, but... that could have led to all kinds of being late for the babysitter. You seemed very frustrated at that moment, and I didn't want us to soak that in. I avoided the sexual innuendo walking up the stairs because I am not sure you know me yet. And the privilege of getting to know me better does come with perks. I can't be there without some sign of interest in who I am inside first.

As we reached the top of the stairs, you continued to share your life with me. How FUN it was to laugh and watch your face light up with all you had done, what you knew about that moment and where it was taking you the next day. I felt privileged that you felt close enough to me to share that with me. Such an honor. I laughed and laughed. And honestly? I would have flashed that guy's camera! HA! I was so happy you bent down to kiss me. I wasn't sure you had wanted to up until that very moment. Man I wish that could have lasted a lot longer, stupid babysitter.

I did NOT want to leave. I wanted to talk and laugh until all hours of the night maybe even have a cup of coffee so we could get even closer. Alas, I will need another opportunity for that to happen. And in this very moment, I have faith you may, but not a lot of evidence that will be what happens. Maybe you didn't enjoy yourself, and were just being polite. Maybe you had already met someone else and she gave you something I didn't or couldn't. But maybe or no maybe, I am here telling my side of the story because even if you don't come back, my integrity and honesty will bring me to where I need to be much more quickly. And you my dear friend deserve to know how much you mean to me. Even if I only knew you for a week or two. I wish you all the joy and love life can bring to you. I am sending all the good energy I can to you for your recovery and whatever lucky girl is a part of your life right now.

Just know, you are on my mind. I think I made that clear enough and was my intent with this post. YOU are on my mind.

When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by. Carbon Leaf.

 a similar read for those that enjoy my writing... the companion.

Saturday

Be Brave. Be Unafraid. Be Open. Be here. Be Now. Just BE.

Guess what?

I am the best mom EVER! as long as I am doing whatever it is he wants me to do! *giggle*

I have it pretty good here on the lower west side of paradise.

Hey Me

Hey me... quit the petty worrying and messy thought process. You are a lovely person with friends that adore you and men that want to meet you. Don't worry about those that wont.

Now, keep working on clearing up your desk. <3

You and Me

You know sometimes you are so connected with someone that you can feel their thoughts? Yea. Your uneasiness in approaching this is affecting me too dear. Relax.

One million miles with one million smiles awaits you. Get there when you can. I will be waiting.

Peace.... OUT.

Reaching out.

You know sometimes it just doesn't pay to reach out to people. I wont stop doing it because they wont reciprocate. I just want to be in a place with people that respect that about me. Its what I deserve. In order for me to do that I must practice what I preach and reciprocate.

I am a good person with a huge heart to share. You can toss it if you want to, but that is your loss!!

Improving the radar... allowing the space... tossing the waste. Now, I need some coconut juice!!!

Canning

I am trying something new! Canning. Images and taste tests to come soon.

I have a few recipes to test out with friends and family, then I think I will do a huge batch to display at a holiday boutique in about 6 weeks. Wish me luck!

=)