BioIdentical

I have awakened to the fact that I am not taking care of myself very well... I am heading into a new territory and looking to do some hormone therapy.

You know the nice thing about me? I am a hugely sexual person. I always have been, so menopause  hasn't slowed me down much. I say that like I have a lot of sex... sigh. Sadly I don't get any, but the desire and longing are huge in me. I can't sleep with just anyone, its far between lovers for me. I think thats some kind of "aristocratic code" I have going on in me, I have very particular reproduction pheromone attractions. If a man is stupid, I turn off, in all ways.

Ok back to hormone therapy. I have to get off the bitchy witch broomstick. I used to be this fun loving happy go lucky party all night lady with a never ending smile. She is still there inside, but she has been a bit tortured by the male gender and the lack of hormones.

Stress isn't helping me either. So, AGAIN i apologize to those that have been splattered with my particular hell... I am trying to get back on the path and retributions will be made. Thank you for your patience. I don't understand this thing either, but its got to change.

Hello Wiley protocol!!!!

Your Shit

Funny your statement (Everytime I get back, U leave me shit) made me LAUGH, (after i flipped you off...) I can't believe out of ALL the things I have said to you, thats what you focus on... I guess you want to use that as some kind of deflection. who knows... i would only be guessing as you say very little, and usually its the same three things over and over again.

And, as to me giving you shit? Dude, like you are a piece of CAKE? You are the dealer/instigator of huge piles of it yourself. You just call it something different. At least I apologize when i send shit your way. You act indignant and holier than thou thinking your shit don't stink. It seems to be a reflection of some kind of internal pain which i KNOW I didn't inflict upon you, and shouldn't have it spewed on me. Just like I shouldn't do that to you.

And to round out this lovely post, I dont know what it is but I can't hate you! Thats never happened to me before. Nothing but unconditional feelings do I have for you! freakish. I have to let it go, forgive myself for being human. So should you, wanker.

Yea I am nuts. So are you. Judgement of me isn't yours to give, anymore than its mine to give upon you, bb.

Telling

Parts of the human experience are telling. Experiences you have with other humans are formed from outside. If you are sensitive enough you can tune into the energy that flows over you created by these experiences. Some of us have that empathetic comprehension, others of us regale it as a hoax or misconception. Those people live in fear, and I have no more patience for them. 

Judgement is not mine, although I fight the opportunity to label people on a daily basis. I find as humans we walk along a path requesting answers of reality that isn't a reality. Placing answers from historical places on current situations. Its a comfortable way to speak, a pattern, a familiarity to keep the "big bad wolf" at bay, but its incongruous to forward movement. Creation is based on original thought, and even though evolution has brought us so far down a path, and given us so much intelligence, we need to let go of what we know to embrace pure creativity. 

A friend of mine, (well i think he is my friend, but at this point I am not sure) said to me after reading my blog that I was a "pollyanna" looking for love.. forlorn. That I should be writing stories about "lost love"... I think I am looking for love, because MY concept of love is what I think everyone's should be.  I will never defend my desire to hope for a world that believes in love to him again. I will remain silent and keep my telling to myself.

The world isn't cold or heartless, people are. I am going to find the ones that make me smile and tell me the truth. The rest of you I will have to love from afar. Im not going to play your game... i keep saying that, and at some point you will see that i mean it. 

YOU

are you.

I am me.

we are balanced, you will see.

don't hide sorrow or fear

don't deny what you feel or hear.

you make mc crazy

but hey... thats life.

i will never hate you. ever.

don't think i have said that to anyone else before.

you push people away. i am not just people.

but if i am just "people" to you

thats your loss.

what I know is

 when i think of you

I can't wait to kiss you again.

it doesn't end there.

being like children

and having fun

i will not play games

with my heart or yours

romance. its not a joke.

passion, its a force

freedom, its a choice

honesty, another choice

integrity, its a necessity

hypocrisy, don't feed the trolls

love... my heart sings

a song for someone

who wants to sing along?

Your voice

These days people don't find it significant to speak to someone on the phone. Our daily ritual of texting and instant messaging, and facebooking and twittering and instagramming, we have lost the "organic" touch of our lives. I think that its just easier to be an asshole online than in person. You don't have to answer directly to your assholishness.  Keeping your relationships online is a cowards copout. Most of you are just making excuses for why being pedantic is so fucking important. blah blah blah!

WE all have our quirks, neurosis and patterns. WE spend our time justifying personal worries and problems, making time to answer the questions that continue to feed our insecurity, instead of just saying "BULLOCKS, I am HUMAN accept me as I am. and if you don't like it? go live with the robots."

Today, Melanie says, F'that.. come on my pirate-mates... lets board ship and hit the ocean. Load up the barrels of rum, and provisions, and set sail. At least out there are real monsters living in deep waters, an open frontier that wont be filled with electronic static and stagnation. The power struggle for who is on top of the dead heap of humans will be behind us. Hell if i wasn't so afraid of my head exploding in space, I would saddle up with some rocket scientists and offer myself as a guinea pig to travel out ward to the edges of the universe.  Well that and my son couldn't go with me, and that would suck.

Ok my little tirade is over and I will continue to accept the slow drip of the agonizing death of boredom!!! lol...Time to start writing scripts for short films... and actually filming them. That might help me fight off the tedium of waiting on a decent consistant sex life, and a good conversation that doesn't include corruption, politics, pessimism, or POO! (yea... little boys are fascinated with poo and farts)

Where are you my creative mate? NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to hear our voice in my ear... speaking of where life can take us instead of where we shouldn't be or why where we are isn't good enough. Reality is reality, and all the words  in the world wont change it, but you don't have to sit in shit and talk about it, you could just keep walking forward and call it a spa treatment. RIGHT?

giggle...

Fractals

I have a curious interest in fractals. I am interested in creating some for myself. I need the software to help me generate them.

any suggestions? Keep your eyes peeled for fractals from me.

ON the Edge

Its amazing to me how often in this life I have found myself on the edge of things. Close to losing it all. I am certain that most of it is from my conscious choices to remain stubborn and true to self. Interesting things manifest when you get to the edge. New opportunities that you hadn't before been approached with. Things always work OUT!

I am thankful for the ability to further gain experience surfing these waves of uncertainty. This time around I feel more comfortable with them than I ever have. Just allowing the warm waves to flow over and through me, waiting to arrive again at the shore of stability with a deeper faith of what is happening right now is ALWAYS the right thing, no matter how shitty it may seem at the time.

I do know one thing, I am tired of doing this alone. I do love my son and he is a comfort to me in so many ways, but its not the same as having a partner. Physical needs are very important in my world.

So one step closer, trust the universe, seize opportunity, don't misread the signs, forget the spells, don't doubt myself, laugh at negativity, sleep well, eat right, wait for the man who respects me and sees me as his other, and don't settle.

November

One year ago this November I met a man that I thought was going to be a significant part of my life.  Significant in me learning something new about love, that I could believe in love, trust myself  and learn to relax in the arms of a man again. The kind of chemistry you don't find everyday, a connection that you can feel in a deep vibrational way. We spoke infrequently and made jokes, laughed, often saying the same thing at the same time. Sadly, he let his ego and lack of integrity get in the way of any long lasting friendship with me, even as he reappeared over time, it never gained footing.  No big loss, just another page in the book.

No matter how rational you are or astute or intelligent or experienced, when there is chemistry there is chemistry. Its a base element of humanity, physics as you will. I tend to believe more in the environmental science of a connection than its psychological base. This attitude lends me to be super loyal despite societal judgement or adversity. I see connection as a magnetic force guided by the molecules of our beings. We aren't afforded the choice of WHY something happens, its meant to. And fighting it only pushes it off till a later date, so deal with it now! Denial ain't a river in Egypt. (I hate that phrase, but it sure fits sometimes).

Courage people. its what life requires. And I don't mean evil menacing bitch level aggression, I mean standing in front of the tsunami again and again, KNOWING you could possibly lose an arm or a leg, and facing it. Not blaming anyone else for the choices you make. Not thinking you are going to lose by losing. Not letting the little shit bemuse your forward movement. Not thinking because you don't have what they do, you are less than they are. Not blaming others for your mistakes. Looking in the mirror and saying another DAMN fine day to be a human, and mean it.

November, you are the one year reminder, an anniversary, a refresher course in knowing that life changes everyday and possibilities are always around me. A simple premise. The knowledge that if someone else can't acknowledge connection doesn't mean it isn't there. It means that you trust yourself. You are capable of allowing that wisdom to draw you a bigger circle of hope, and attract closer to you a more purposeful being.

Be yourself, give life to connections, lose the fear of the things not working, and stop praying in the temple of WHAT if doomsville... That preacher gave his disciples grape kool-aid, You can do better!!!

The world is still revolving and last years love didn't last!!! Quit your stalling and get back on the horse to joy-ville... "Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death". lol...

Parenting

yea. word! Its EXHAUSTING!!!!!  The kid and I have been having power struggles for weeks now, especially over computer time and homework.

I think part of that is just being a lone adult against the powerhouse of the offspring, knowing full well we are head over heels in love with the little monsters. They definitely have an advantage. I remain calm and don't engage in arguments up to a point, then its OH NO, you didn't just go there, and I let myself get in over my head. 

I seriously should have taken a lot more into consideration before doing this alone. Now I am here and dealing with it. I don't have regret so much as I am feeling run down and barreled over more than not. 

Dealing with a 9 year old that acts like he is 4 is totally exhausting... Time for discipline and strict boundaries. I think the only way peace is going to remain consistent, is to have consistent patterns. 

I can DO this! thankfully he is intelligent, witty, snuggly and very creative. Takes the edge off most of the time. 

Balance

I saw this image this morning and it totally reminded me of a balance I see with another person. Thats my perception of things. I feel him even when he is not there. But Im good like that! 

I don't know what he sees, his inability to be honest hinders our friendship. Oh well, carry on. could be beautiful but you want to struggle and we have both had enough of that. I cant and wont help you with more struggle. I will give you a helping hand in all other areas. 

dark warrior. 

i don't have time

Im smart, wise, beautiful and decent (and a little bit crazy for shure). I truly care but i can be a bitch when pushed to the wall.

time to pick up my bitch stick and knock somebody off my path. goodbye colorado!

psydekick

I don't know why some people are intuitive and others are not. All my life I have been able to feel things or see things that come from others around me, picked up on energies and emotions without  having to think at all. I described it once to a questioning skeptic saying its like looking at a picture on a wall. You can see what is happening and thats that, no more no less. Its like being in an art gallery, you wander amongst people and you can see images that come from their energies, like paintings on a wall. Since moving to california, this ability has moved towards having more acute physical reactions and clearer visions. Maybe its the energy of where I live, I couldn't explain why, it just is.

Recently, I met someone that I felt connected to in a deeper sense than most. The last two days, visions have come into my mind or should I say that my body has had physical reactions to something he is giving off. I don't know why this shit happens, but I do know he isn't aware of me knowing any of this. And I don't really mind either way. Life is an organic mess of energies melding together and moving about between the sweat and balls. It will be curious to see what stories come from the next few months of life, and of the visions I have seen, which of them will be dismissed by free will, and which roads will be allowed to manifest, by free will.

I do know others outward disrespect of me will cut their waste out of my life, especially those that underestimate me, take advantage of me or judge me as weak or stupid because I am kind, generous and forgiving. My intuition isn't always right on in the areas of love, and that may be a protective element of human nature. I don't do vindictive. The world has enough dark energy on its own without me adding to the pile. Anyway, the person of whom I speak is kind, generous and forgiving despite his prickly exterior. He does have a bad habit of putting me on a "list" and secularizing me. I don't take it personally, he has a lot to think about. And not even sure I am on the range of thought. But I can sure pick up on him, and assume he is capable of doing the same of me.

And if he isn't? thats his loss, and mine. Will not be the first or the last time... sigh. I don't do fake well at all, even though I was a decent actress. bleh.  Peace earthlings.

Pebbles

She lays the pebbles in a row
down the path she wants him go

colored gems, concrete stones
energies that give off a glow

soundless vibrations reach his ear
placed with intent easy to hear

take your mind out of the way
sit down to breathe and stay

forget what you know about where you are
to remind yourself your sitting on a star

what a gas... baby...

love

i wish for your happiness
i breathe through your smile
i know your forgiveness
i see life through our eyes

i play to my part
too true for mere words
i stay high in this tree
conversing with birds

while i wait for your heart
to know what it wants
and fly to me here
not caring who haunts

our future is uncertain
but our bodies are meant
to be in a union
unkept and well spent

i remember your skin
i remember your smell
i wander alone to find
the one that will

remember my skin
and the touch of my eyes
the smile of my scent
the reasons to sigh

along with this lady
a laugh in her heart
whose body is yearning
for a warm taste of you

chrysalis

You know, there is a place for us all in this world. Mine seems to be in helping others find a bridge to the next permanent plateau, good or bad. The visions I have in my head about myself when i meditate are of a woman that holds a chrysalis, and releases a butterfly. Almost like a landing pad. I am the bridge, the segue, the conduit by which so many people find their next level. I am very very comfortable with that, and LOVE my work. I miss those friends when they move on, but life is how it should be on a daily basis.

Most people reading this will say, how self centered is she? Bite me. I hate all of you. Collectively. I do this because its my destination, my designation, my inspiration. The opinion you take of me has nothing to do with who I am. AND its validity rests in your own environmental education, and whatever dysfunction lies there.

writing

My friend Andrew that lives in South Africa is now a web designer, but previously was a college professor teaching writing and literature. He assures me that my writing is good, but i need to develop it more. Practice makes perfect.

So, hence forth, my challenge is to find topics that I can research and thoroughly define via my exploration with eloquence. 

LIke no more bad poetry. well, maybe SOME bad poetry, but there will be symphony mixed in to elevate the status of this stream of conciseness blog. 

stay tuned!