Cutting Edge

My friend, a cornerstone of my adult life, sent me a form called "My Cutting Edge". I met her through a self help seminar, and we have been buds ever since. Same quirky humor, positive outlook, life on the cuff sort of way. She is awesome.

Anywhoodledoo... this form is to lay out areas you are polishing up in your life. Its a good little piece of work for me to use while i go forward on this "healthier me" path. Honestly, when I look in the mirror and reflect what I have done to this poor vessel over the years, I look pretty good! I mean it could be a LOT worse... believe me.

So i am grateful for time, for healing, and for better choices. And gratitude for the remaining festive insanity I have come to enjoy about being alive and fairly comedic. 'Cuz if you don't laugh, you are likely to kill somebody... RIGHT?

Cutting edge: With each choice I make in eating or spending, I am aware and not reactionary.

i am NOT second string

I would never do to you what you have done. whats even weirder is that you don't see you are doing anything, as you deny feelings.

be well... im not a dolly on your "party line"... if i mean more then there will be more. if not? then i am free to find a soul that wants to respect their feelings for me.

Passive Aggressive BS

FRACKENDOODLEY Noodle head...

I swear this passive aggressive shit is pathetic! I am beyond done with it. Its like a second nature calling to me. How do I find tools to disavow that element?

Once its done you can't take it back either... bleh. HELP!!!!!!!

Has it been a means for me to get by for so long I have forgotten all other methods of communication?

I feel overwhelmed ALL OF THE TIME. I sit and release this pressure and try to center still my mind is clogged with it. I am in too small a space with bad energy.

Is all of life counting minutes till something better comes along? I try to laugh at all things and be light. Not always easy.

Toxic Relationship

Today I read this line;

"It sounds like someone stuck in a toxic relationship."

Those words made me stop everything I was doing, and sit down.

There are no mistakes or real mysteries in this world if we just clue in to the nuance. I am currently being forced to focus on the toxic relationships in my life. I believe that the most toxic is the relationship I have with myself. Why am I cutting off my desires, and my abilities by design? In many ways...

Focusing on relationships that ARENT working, focusing on pain instead of the pleasure, focusing on what I did wrong instead of what I have done right?

I am reminded so often during the days of my life the impact my creativity has on others. I am not a prideful being or even boasting about it. In my mind its just what I do, like the baker bakes, the seamstress sews, a grocer sells groceries, etc. I also believe a little self criticism is just a tool to make your work ever evolving and fresh. But I think that my inability to treat myself with kindness and awareness that I deserve self love with out thinking its indulgent is holding steady.

A friend of mine keeps reassuring me of my evolution and how far I have come in so little a time, that I believe. The attitude I have after passing through the burning gates of the last few years, is actually pretty amazing. Why can't I just allow myself happiness there?

Ok, I have put it out there. Toxic Relationship = Me, time to move this around. And it will shift to another area if I can not just heal it. ty for all your loving vibes around this.

How is it?

That I have gotten to this point in life and still feel so fucking confused!

I think that maybe I haven't been able to embrace all that there is to ME. I am stuck in a place where I am trying to get. Who am I? What have I become?

I know what I want, but i also know that most of the time what I want isn't good for me. Freakin life becomes a struggle to put in front of yourself continuously the joy of accepting what you have because you know thats what you need.

Hedonism. I would love for a few days but get so BORED with it. Refocus! Refocus, Refocus.

I need a STUDIO!!!!!!!! That would keep me occupied.

You Came

We were sitting at a table by the water, under an umbrella. You had come to see me and the first thing you said to me was, I want to explain why I haven't been around much the last year.

Sweet Relief! I don't even remember very much of what you said past that point, as I was watching your face and reading your lips. It was a beautiful clear day, you had on a hat and sunglasses. Amazingly Amazing to see you so open and talking to me. I was just grateful and happy.

Pledge

I don't want be with another person who would intentionally try to make me feel weak for the choices I have made to save my own life and sanity. A person that would try to sabotage me to justify their own insecurities. In addition, I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want to be there as your best friend to help put the bandaids on the hurt places and be there to laugh and smile when the scab finally disappears.

Lets be friends and have FUN without knowing where it is going or defining what it "could be". Like we are seeing the world fresh and no one can rob us of that feeling, because we pledged to not let them.

Ordering her about

Last night I had a dream about you... We were at a banquet. I was going to have to provide the food for the next round of people. I didn't know how I was going to afford it, but it was my turn to pony up so I accepted the challenge and made a list. Meat on the grill, fresh veggies, etc. There was a large group of people there too. 

You and I had a hotel room and you were ordering me around like a hooker. Do this don't do that... scrub my ass with that body scrub, now wipe it off... etc... I wasn't so upset by this as sad. When I looked into your eyes I could see your sorrow and your anger. I complied with your wishes. In saying, for now I will accept this, FOR NOW, but you have to heal yourself, boobah. There is no need for such deep anger, nor taking it out on me. It will only damage our friendship. You huffed like a mighty wolf/dragon... and then you looked at me and cried. 

Many other things were totally interesting in this dream but i wanted to write this section out. I am going out to find my peace and my souls happiness... i cherish you. But i wont be your whipping post because you feel insecure. You have NO reason to be insecure. much love to boobahs. keep it real brutha man. Im here for you dear one. keep your spikey boots outside the fence of our friendship. it will make things much smoother. xoxoox.