This time Last Year.

This time last year i was going through all my belongings deciding what would be best to keep and what would be best to let go of. I let go of 70% of my belongings at that time, and sadly, got some taken from me in the move.

Or should I say move? It was more of a forceable exit from where I had been living for over 4 years. I invited a woman into my house that brought us all down, and I don't blame her for it. I think everything happens for a reason. I just wish I had been a bit more proactive and aggressive about the situation as a whole... I went through a rough 8 months of that coexistence.

I knew after 1 month of her being there it was NOT going to work out and asked her to leave within 60 days. I was faced with a personality that said, "You are going to have to take me to court to get me out". So that is how it began, and it took  months from the written notice to get her forced out of the apartment. With 2 "to be forced" exits halted through the court system.

I was lead to the edge of hope so many times in that 8 months only to have the door slammed in my face and sealed shut with super glue, leaving me to find yet ANOTHER way to exit... OVER and OVER and OVER again... 6 times in 8 months only to eventually be pushed out the door of this apartment 10 days after Christmas. What a huge nightmare that was... having a holiday garage sale in the rain, trying to make some money so I could store my belongings. Deciding what we needed to keep, what to leave behind, etc. Honestly, I wasn't too upset about that. I don't mind shedding weight and lightening the load. Life isn't about "things", but kids have a different perspective as they aren't as experienced in the weight of possessions, and carrying them with you on the road.

So this begins our little story. I am going to try and do this in a series. I don't even know what sparked me today to begin this... I am off to do an outline and try to keep this thing linear and process what has happened between then and now. Maybe it will help some people survive their stint with homelessness. I know of one lady right now that has 3 kids and is out on the streets. She hasn't disclosed why, but i feel for her. Christmas without a home is a lonely feeling.

More to come.

Definition

The world is continually defining how things are or how they should be. What is the real truth?

Is it better to stick to your beliefs, despite developed definitions to the contrary? I have no idea why I have done half the things I have in my life. I don't always question my actions as I know that most times pure faith is all I have to go on. Its gotten me where I am with what I have and that is a good thing.

Don't you understand that from the day I met you i have felt your movements? I know when you are sad, angry or even having sex, and its hard for me. I wish to cut it off, but then again, I need to be your friend because I love you.

Whats best for you, find that, do that, be that... I have to figure out my side of things, but what I stated above? thats fact. for me. If i need to go, and thats best for you, thats what will be.

Define THAT!

RUNNING IN MUD

I work.. and work and work.. and work. I am rarely ahead of the game, because something comes up and throws me back in the mud. Honestly I am so tired of fighting, I would rather just lay down and die today.

Parenting is work, work is work, walking right now is even work! just work... and work more. No matter how grateful I am for the work, I feel like I have a shovel and all i am really doing is digging a grave.

tiring.

It Begins!

Today is the day. So here I am, topic undecided, premise is set to “just start”.

I have been challenged to start writing again by a friend of mine I met online YEARS ago. He complimented me on an entry I wrote about one of my favorite musicians. He said, “Wow, you can write. Why aren’t you writing more?” I don’t know! giggle... I made a reconnection with him two weeks ago, and he agreed to check in with me once a week so he could help me out. But after thinking about it, and seeing that he missed our first session, if I wait for him then NOTHING will move forward. As the good fatherluke suggested, “No more excuses. Just start writing”.

That being said, I am “topic-less”. It is suggested that I write about my being a single mom, and the struggles with that. My favorite topics are music and art, as I can never get enough of either. The last two YEARS of my life have been a HUGE transition for me, and that would be a great experiment in gratitude, allowing myself to be more humble, and giving advice in how I survived them. And in my heart of hearts, I would love to see society heal itself from the ills of the world, the lies, the hatred, the bigotry, and learn to be free to allow peace and prosperity for all, so I would be writing self healing methods and measures.  

Truthfully, it could be about ALL of that. I think my biggest desire of all is to be completely honest and open, without fear of exposure. In the end, I am all I have to count on so why shouldn’t I build a base of self-assurance and move forward from there? 

So here we go. Thanks to all that are willing to take this trip with me by spending time reading my brain attack diversions!

BUTT... you dialed me~

You know bb…. SO good hearing your voice and hearing you just “live”! What I wouldn’t give to see that in person again; a smile and a sweet conversation.

Yea.. more stuff like that!

Cutting Edge

My friend, a cornerstone of my adult life, sent me a form called "My Cutting Edge". I met her through a self help seminar, and we have been buds ever since. Same quirky humor, positive outlook, life on the cuff sort of way. She is awesome.

Anywhoodledoo... this form is to lay out areas you are polishing up in your life. Its a good little piece of work for me to use while i go forward on this "healthier me" path. Honestly, when I look in the mirror and reflect what I have done to this poor vessel over the years, I look pretty good! I mean it could be a LOT worse... believe me.

So i am grateful for time, for healing, and for better choices. And gratitude for the remaining festive insanity I have come to enjoy about being alive and fairly comedic. 'Cuz if you don't laugh, you are likely to kill somebody... RIGHT?

Cutting edge: With each choice I make in eating or spending, I am aware and not reactionary.

i am NOT second string

I would never do to you what you have done. whats even weirder is that you don't see you are doing anything, as you deny feelings.

be well... im not a dolly on your "party line"... if i mean more then there will be more. if not? then i am free to find a soul that wants to respect their feelings for me.

Passive Aggressive BS

FRACKENDOODLEY Noodle head...

I swear this passive aggressive shit is pathetic! I am beyond done with it. Its like a second nature calling to me. How do I find tools to disavow that element?

Once its done you can't take it back either... bleh. HELP!!!!!!!

Has it been a means for me to get by for so long I have forgotten all other methods of communication?

I feel overwhelmed ALL OF THE TIME. I sit and release this pressure and try to center still my mind is clogged with it. I am in too small a space with bad energy.

Is all of life counting minutes till something better comes along? I try to laugh at all things and be light. Not always easy.

Toxic Relationship

Today I read this line;

"It sounds like someone stuck in a toxic relationship."

Those words made me stop everything I was doing, and sit down.

There are no mistakes or real mysteries in this world if we just clue in to the nuance. I am currently being forced to focus on the toxic relationships in my life. I believe that the most toxic is the relationship I have with myself. Why am I cutting off my desires, and my abilities by design? In many ways...

Focusing on relationships that ARENT working, focusing on pain instead of the pleasure, focusing on what I did wrong instead of what I have done right?

I am reminded so often during the days of my life the impact my creativity has on others. I am not a prideful being or even boasting about it. In my mind its just what I do, like the baker bakes, the seamstress sews, a grocer sells groceries, etc. I also believe a little self criticism is just a tool to make your work ever evolving and fresh. But I think that my inability to treat myself with kindness and awareness that I deserve self love with out thinking its indulgent is holding steady.

A friend of mine keeps reassuring me of my evolution and how far I have come in so little a time, that I believe. The attitude I have after passing through the burning gates of the last few years, is actually pretty amazing. Why can't I just allow myself happiness there?

Ok, I have put it out there. Toxic Relationship = Me, time to move this around. And it will shift to another area if I can not just heal it. ty for all your loving vibes around this.

How is it?

That I have gotten to this point in life and still feel so fucking confused!

I think that maybe I haven't been able to embrace all that there is to ME. I am stuck in a place where I am trying to get. Who am I? What have I become?

I know what I want, but i also know that most of the time what I want isn't good for me. Freakin life becomes a struggle to put in front of yourself continuously the joy of accepting what you have because you know thats what you need.

Hedonism. I would love for a few days but get so BORED with it. Refocus! Refocus, Refocus.

I need a STUDIO!!!!!!!! That would keep me occupied.

You Came

We were sitting at a table by the water, under an umbrella. You had come to see me and the first thing you said to me was, I want to explain why I haven't been around much the last year.

Sweet Relief! I don't even remember very much of what you said past that point, as I was watching your face and reading your lips. It was a beautiful clear day, you had on a hat and sunglasses. Amazingly Amazing to see you so open and talking to me. I was just grateful and happy.

Pledge

I don't want be with another person who would intentionally try to make me feel weak for the choices I have made to save my own life and sanity. A person that would try to sabotage me to justify their own insecurities. In addition, I don't want you to suffer anymore. I want to be there as your best friend to help put the bandaids on the hurt places and be there to laugh and smile when the scab finally disappears.

Lets be friends and have FUN without knowing where it is going or defining what it "could be". Like we are seeing the world fresh and no one can rob us of that feeling, because we pledged to not let them.

Ordering her about

Last night I had a dream about you... We were at a banquet. I was going to have to provide the food for the next round of people. I didn't know how I was going to afford it, but it was my turn to pony up so I accepted the challenge and made a list. Meat on the grill, fresh veggies, etc. There was a large group of people there too. 

You and I had a hotel room and you were ordering me around like a hooker. Do this don't do that... scrub my ass with that body scrub, now wipe it off... etc... I wasn't so upset by this as sad. When I looked into your eyes I could see your sorrow and your anger. I complied with your wishes. In saying, for now I will accept this, FOR NOW, but you have to heal yourself, boobah. There is no need for such deep anger, nor taking it out on me. It will only damage our friendship. You huffed like a mighty wolf/dragon... and then you looked at me and cried. 

Many other things were totally interesting in this dream but i wanted to write this section out. I am going out to find my peace and my souls happiness... i cherish you. But i wont be your whipping post because you feel insecure. You have NO reason to be insecure. much love to boobahs. keep it real brutha man. Im here for you dear one. keep your spikey boots outside the fence of our friendship. it will make things much smoother. xoxoox.

Unpacked

I think I finally have my place in a setup that my inner chi is happy with...

I am a being that if my home isn't properly custodial, i can NOT think... Chaos is already living inside my mind, so having it in my surroundings keeps the tornado whirling. Despite the advantage it MAY accidentally source my creativity, its NOT good to effective progression. Or consistent parenting... which i suck at but its my goal to keep moving towards it.

Now to do a bit of feng shui, as my bathroom is in the "wealth" sector, then BAM. Presto changito, i can move freely among my "stuff" and not be stopped every 2 feet by a box of legos, dirty clothes or unpacked office supplies!!!!!

Work is going to be MIGHTY for me this year.. BONUS, and i want to be able to just sit and create.. or stand and create, or do yoga and visualize and then create, without worrying about "what is going to happen now".

Karma? are we good? Yea. I think we are getting there.

Is that person really your friend?

If someone in your life never inquires how you are or what you are doing, is that a friend?

Bifurcated.

I read something that reminded me, I am living between nothing and everything with each breath I take. My dreams last night reminded me of how greedy and sick people are on one side, and generous and allowing on the other.

Who am I in that fold? By not attending to the purpose the universe has laid out for me, am I the greedy one? By attending to the purpose the universe offers me, am I the saint? Does there have to be an extreme, or is just being a "simple" being, isn't that beautiful too?

There is a limited amount of people that are enlightened enough to be in that place of purity where this question wont exist. There is no simple answer either. What I know is following my path has been rocky and part of that is my greed by not letting go of things that no longer serve me.

Everyone I have encountered in my life, even the most giving and generous, has a level of selfishness. The amount is directly proportional to the amount we trade in kind. Am I being selfish? Am I being generous? Am i being too much of either? Daily meditations help me become more centered with these things.

I do know that resentment is major, that love is all i have to give that matters, that each day offers me a chance to do it better, and that real friends are always there for you, no matter what you do.

My decision is to focus on healing my body, and center myself there. AND let me tell you that will be my biggest challenge, but I need to follow a path that has been calling me for sometime,  which will require a healthy body and mind.

Everyone that decides they want to be a part of it is allowed if their purpose is to serve in the growth of peace and love.

BRAIN

I am thinking the brain needs a washing! it spazzes out and i can't control it... somedays.

WAtching

Watching a movie today reminded me of an event in my life that i recovered from, but it still sits heavy to know that others will go through that same situation without support, like I did.

This event created a distrust in men, that they wont be there for me in times when I really really need them, and I mean REALLY need them, not financially or to fix my car or take out the trash. As a true friend that is there for a friend. I wonder what it will take for me to get back to a more level space with the opposite sex.

its gonna happen because I desire it... what is it going to take?

Suggestion

Someone suggested that you don't talk to me because YOU are concerned what others may think about your association with me... If that is the case, you will never be good enough for me. I don't trust other peoples opinions of people they don't know, which means them saying that about you, or you feeling that way about me, or me feeling that way without knowing the truth. 

Neither of you know me! And honestly, I don't know you. One day at a time. I am willing to risk everything for a feeling that I KNOW is there. Damn the should's and the others judgement. Its fodder in the scheme of having a REAL life! 

Where are you brave warrior? Where are you my soul companion? Happiness could be ours, if you are a non-judgemental soul such as me. 

God or Goddess

Patience, serenity and gratitude surround a modern day goddess. She exudes compassion and confidence, a conduit for the love that binds the people of this earth. As she walks the path of enlightenment, she spreads the seeds of self awareness and allowance, paying it forward with each step. Accepting each lesson with a passion to reach for the next.

The Test

Haven't I passed your test yet? What is it that keeps you in a state of arrogance? I am not going to play this game anymore. You know where I am. You know who I am.

Go spear the other fishes hoping for a different outcome, all the while knowing YOU are the one that has to change, my love.

I may not be here when you decide to open that door to yourself. You have damaged my trust.

I love you. im sorry, please forgive me. thank you.

Foolish Heart

I am the fool
who keeps putting
pieces of my soul
into your hands
hoping one day
you see its worth
instead you smash
it with distaste
like killing a bug.

maybe my heart
will learn to love less
maybe i will be
spared connection
with anyone
live in solitude
lonely, peaceful,
and isolated
like you.

Distraction

I find myself viewing distractions lately. What is really important to me? Why do I care? How can I change things so life is more pleasant for me, which ultimately makes life more pleasant for others. How am I distracting myself as not to take on the changes that must be made?

I still have a long road ahead of me, and I know I will make it. How is up to the universe in so many ways. I am just going to keep plugging along looking for opportunities to find a smile. And knowing you are out there.

:)

FEAR

Fear is like a cocoon. It wraps you up and seals you into a stationary place.

Use this time wisely so that when you realize you are trapped ONLY by your own fear, you can discard the cocoon to emerge glorious; breathing in a fresh breath, swallowing a new life, and flying free towards a new and expanded reality.

Grateful List - Only Partially done i can tell you that!

Things I am grateful for:

ART

Physics

My parents

My son

My sister

My brother

Wake

Donald

Terry M

Mondez

John

comfy beds,

clean sheets

the ocean

trees

cool evenings

sleep

mustard

popcorn

cars

gasoline

Calvin my old cat

Organic Soup Kitchen

Drea

Anthony

Tony

Sunny days

Rainy days

bowling

baseball

alcohol

oscillating fans

kissing

bare feet in the sand/grass

sunsets

mountains

caves

horses

Dogs

sandles/flip flops

cotton clothing

skin care products

hair care products

love

trust

movies

chalkboards

warm water

ice cubes

doctors

holistic medicine

Self Awareness

I don't know. I spent many many years trying to understand who I am. I have an good base, but due to self abuse and other stressful self inflictions, I feel I should take some time to get interested in what makes me tick RIGHT NOW. As a parent I have changed. Its not a bad thing! Being more adult in my behavior and choices, its good.

Empathy and elimination of what isn't working, those are the two main goals for MYSELF. Don't take it personally. I have to try and stabilize a little...

xo

dumb shit

you know there are a couple guys in my life that really LIKE me. My son LOVES me, so he is excluded!~ giggle. Men, they think like gods, act like children, expect to be worshiped, and believe in their constitution without question. women? lets acknowledge men for who they are.

and I admire them for all they are. :)

How

i met the love of my life one year ago today. he is amazing, tortured, assholish, creepy and silent. i think i am abolished for all good purposes. he cant hear me anyway. its best. W is a hope. I do love him. He doesn't love me. Or if he does? There is barely evidence.

I don't know why life gives us all these challenges. These tests. I look to one side of my bed to see a young man, a mini me, that holds on to dreams. Its so great to try and believe in that again, and tell him not everything comes true. Boys are better at reality than girls.

One min, in my past, i was in a large group of people. A man asked me a question. I said HOPE. Thats when i realized, there may not be any hope in this world. I can see my son looks to me for his understanding of it. i hope i can follow through!!

How can i teach him to be himself? giggle. He is doing just fine with that because i teach him to not QUESTION who he is. Teach your children how to do the right thing. Everything else is cake.

Vulnerable

How can he not feel insecure?... i see each day how he tries to defend a sacred space. Unaware, uninformed, but wise, he tries to keep footing.

No matter how much I love him, we are far from ever being perfect. Life is an organic experience. I am thankful he has a nurturing experience there. He is secure with me.

One more day, and then another! I love you Austin. Im not perfect, but perfect to teach you. Keep asking questions. xo

dreams

this year, i learned a strange lesson. Dreams don't come true. Pick the dream that fits your purpose. Your inner light.

My dreams are very very descriptive of current situation, often coming true. When i was young, it scared me. Now i see it as an asset... My mind is fluffy as I get older. thats not a bad thing.

I have many wonderful friends that explain manifestation to me. Describe how easy it is for me to obtain it. They are so very right. What is my resistance?

Ill sleep on it for a day or two. xo

Ponder

you will always look for me while you push me away. it sucks. but i love you for your crazyness. it makes SENSE to me.

life is a series of change that reminds us that being human is a limited perspective. i have NEVER loved anyone as much as you. But I do know, thats not all i am.  Or that maybe someone else will see me as I see this situation You consider me a fool. I don't think that of you AT all.

i want you.  we need each other. fuck control. fuck life. lets live. and be as happy as we can before its over. or move along and let me the fuck GO already.

I am an empath, acknowledge that connection. and let it go too. ty love

Cinderella

All my life i think I have held on to a belief that as a woman, I would find that ultimate "love". The cinderella factor. 

I watch these moments of hope in movies and hear them in lyrics of music. I don't give up or lean into inability. I am aging, and realize my cute factor has totally worn off. I know that I am a mess. I know that I am uncontrollable. But I am here, I love with all my heart, I have a huge heart, and love life.

I can't hope anymore. The last man I loved and felt wholly connected to pushed me into a closet. I love him. I wont ever let that go, but I will find someone that feels that for me, without conditions. 

Lifes a piece of shit, when you look at it. But sometimes? GREAT things happen. GREAT things. 

someday

Someone is going to say "I love you" and mean it! that will be another good day. I'm grateful.

Parenting anger

I realize that anger is a momentary condition. Its effects last a lifetime in some incidents. I was a part of a real battle this week. A battle of will, and anger warfare. I felt infantile afterwards, but helpless to resist that temptation.

Becoming a parent was a choice I made. I know that I am not the best at this job, but I do have to say, this kid of mine will arise as an individual, a free thinker. Knowing to test boundaries, knowing that intelligence is the only key to his future.

I may not be cute, or smart, or even a good artist, but I do know, even when i frack up in some moments, I am an awesome teacher for my son. Evidence is stacking up, and honestly, thats what counts.

Bravo Austin. Bravo.

NO more

I have spent too many years in relationships that fucking starve or suffocate me. YOU aren't doing that to me ANYMORE. NO parents, no kids, no friends, no psuedo lovers (because honestly, if someone was your lover and/or cared about you? they wouldn't treat you like you don't matter).

Take your shoulds and make a bed you are comfortable in. Remember, its your bed NOT MINE. and don't cross me. I have an ax and currently unafraid to chop off your useless controlling opinions.

Just STFU

you know sometimes I should learn when to STFU~

I wish there was a freakin OFF button... sigh.. sometimes a girl should clam it UP!

Connected

miss you. stop waking me up from miles away only to ignore me, OK?

sheesh. thats kinda selfish don't you think? i mean if you even care.

healing

i never believed in manifestation, it just always was.
I never was taught you could ask for what you want,
but now I know that clarity is the key to manifestation

I dont know how i am going to change the worlds thoughts, but its meant to be. i am not normal. Maybe the Austin man will further my quest, or complete it. Its not his battle, but it is his heritage.

how do we love? the only way possible, unconditionally.

today

i walked outside
i felt the rain
i witnessed a smile
i thought of you

im just a girl in the world. you changed my life. i am so happy you did.

Dont Stop Believing

he is going to be my biggest advocate

he is going to be my promoter

he is going to be a father

he is going to be a friend

he is going to be himself

he is going to be joy

he is going to be us

he is going to be a survivor

he is going to be available

he is going to be independent

he is going to be LOVE

he is going to be disciplined

he is going to be truth

he is going to be my partner.

I must pattern my life to attain my desires. so it is written.

Rockstar

All my life, i had a dream of being someone that changed peoples lives, changed their perceptions. I had a specific vision of how that was to happen. I was going to be a "rockstar". Shining, a burst, an unobtainable force. Life showed me the reality of that gift.

Who I am... I am a light. How does that work? Its like going into a mine with a canary, a few batteries, a prayer, and some really great boots. You have to know that what you can't see is what you are looking for. You have to trust that each step you take is guided by the reason you exist. You have to know that you are changing the current, even if you doubt your actions.

How do we see the next move? Its always a feeling. Train your children to trust that feeling. Its probably the only thing that can save our sociology. Beef up your karma folks. Thats how the machine works, and the only way we can beat the forces that seek our individual truths.

I am asking for forgiveness for anyone i created doubt in. I never meant to make you doubt yourself. That may be the worst sin I know of. Thank you for allowing me to learn and grow. xo

Mental

I wish people would be straight out about their lives, their illnesses, their weaknesses, etc. Their land-mine's blow up in our faces because we didn't know NOT to step there. Unless we are warned, we are not AWARE of their land-mines. The warning system is often flawed, because as humans, we are full of psychosis.

We all have issues to deal with, some more than others. Fighting those each day and trying to find someone to be peaceful with, including ourselves, thats the struggle.

I love you bb. I am sorry that you are struggling. And when I try to reach out you bite my hand, or call me names. I wont disappear or hurt you... i just have to back away slowly so i don't lose any other important limbs. There is a child in my life who needs me to remain mostly intact.

Why should i care?

Today,  I must have hit a truth, and got slapped in the face for caring.

What I realized is that I don't want to date men that act less mature than my son. Why should I be made to feel bad about CARING about someone? Other peoples judgement of me means less than nothing. This persons reaction to me has caused me to really question if he has ever told me the truth, and is someone trying to convince himself I am something i am NOT.

I have no idea whats going on, but i don't trust him now. He can have his little secrets that aren't really secrets because I am connected to him by some freakish insight/intuition that creates visions and physical actions in my body. I sure as fuck didn't ask for it, didn't go looking for it, thought it was cool at first. Whether you believe in it or not, it happens to me. This is only the third or fourth person in my life. I feel like I am part of a bigger picture that HE is showing me but not letting himself be involved in, because he has control issues.

Im so lucky to have this ability, sometimes people can acknowledge connections and we become good friends. He has always tried to remain in touch, but it feels now like a "duty" instead of a desire.  I hate feeling isolated, berated and belittled for what I know to be true. I hope that someday I find the one that can take the ride with me instead of pushing me off the platform.

A shield...

The last exchange with you will likely be my last for a good while. No matter how much I love you, and how fun it is to spar with you, the arrogance and disrespect you have been showering me with lately is more childish than my young sons behavior! Its damaging my feelings for you as a friend.

No matter, I know what love is and I love you. I hope we can remain friends and you find your way back to a more respectful dialogue with me. Arrogance is no mans badge of honor, its a cowards shield. xo

family vacation

Because its TIME...

off to wine country to be the "designated driver". Its time to stop saturating my liver with poison. 

Woohoo! come join me, melanie, cruise director... 

WEEKEND!

i so have a weekend off. I sent a message to someone I would just like to see face to face again! hell i don't CARE what we do, or if he even has a new girlfriend, i just feel connected and want some time saying HI! with my physical body being close to that.

Im a sweet, uber intelligent, decent booby gal. Why do men push me away? sackodashious. i wish i knew some brave men. honestly. they never understand brave women though.

Im not like the women who hurt you, so keep that experience on a shelf. and learn a new one. one you always knew was possible. im here bb.

Awaken and shaken

Yea. one of those dreams. Had to do a check in asap, as i was terrified for this person.

hoping all is well. inside and out. xo bb

What

So. like 20 times a day I hear that word from every kid i talk to in this town... What? What? What? As if when I told them the truth they would hear me.

Look chitlins, stop asking and start looking around. I can't wait to rattle some kiddies cages! Making people think is the only reason I exist. I see it everyday.

Now, how do i make money doing THAT?

Oasis - Roll With It

happy

I need to get happy! However that is. I really want to get back to my smile and contentment in at least part of my life.

Money bogs me down, and lack of it suffocates me. Is there a happy medium? I work, and I do that for money, but I also enjoy what I am doing most of the time! I have some new avenues I want to follow there, and waiting on some funds to carry it out.

Believing is the first step. I need more adult friends. for sure.

Your Hands

From the first time I saw them, I really loved them. Your hands.  Damn that sounds stupid... but its what I think.

Last night in a dream you came to me and handed me a small seeded plant, it looked like a palm tree. I could tell it was you from your hands. thanks bb, for the brief visit... miss you and your hands.

I think when I am in my car

So today I kinda figured out that at one point, you really were kind and open with me, and it was so refreshing to actually see someone on my same mental wavelength i could talk to!   I know who you are inside, you have shown me in my dreams, and you still do. Past that time we shared time, you became distant, reclusive and combative. I don't mind absorbing your harsh, bb. Patience is one of my strongest virtues, especially with wounded people. At some point though, your capability to damage every relationship you have will over come ours as well.

Forgiveness is a virtue and a necessity, you have forgiven my stupidity time and again. I return in kind, although your education in the world exceeds mine, i have never been an idiot. You have to deal with me on an emotional level. Its just my empathic, psychic nature. i don't play games, i say what i mean. forthright and immediate. I see the world in that way. I hate makeup, masks, games, posers and fakes. YOu aren't any of those. I want nothing more from you than for you to smile as much as possible and be at peace and safe and find your true fun, no matter where it is. I never asked you for anything other than communication. I am so grateful for that spit of time when you thought i was worth it.

i don't connect to many people in this life in a deeply spiritual sense. i am as intuitive as they come, but this is different. when you decide to honor our deeper connection, we will be friends. until then? i will send my love, and you will be sarcastic and ridicule me for it. You'll never be able to stop me from who I am meant to be bb. I admire you full-stop. NO questions. Im deep, and so are you .... GET the fuck OVER it already.

good luck NIGZ...

Just so you know

When it tells me "YOU gave me love"...  I keep the notice so i can live in the moment of fantasy. I smile and smile and smile.

thank you for that sweet bb... you are awesome.

Intriguing

You know, christianity is based on a martyrs life. I think its courageous and all to sacrifice for your cause, have passion and conviction, but I don't think that "gods" plan includes suffering. That being said, I am kinda naive, in some ways, and totally optimistic. Its the light I was given to shine and use to bring people together in peace, mostly in small ways.

I can honestly say, that I don't have a solid belief there is a one "god". I have researched this in my own way since being a small girl dragged to sunday school. I love the idea of church, but i see its limitations and restrictions. I love the book, but its conditional and limiting. How can we move forward with new ideas and a redemptive future by living in the past and old ideas?

Who the hell is with me!!!?????

Ponderation

During the last year, my son and I have had many downs and ups. It has been interesting to notice reactions across the board.

Something I heard in a "TEDtalks" video yesterday really struck me.  Not the concept, but the way the man stated his views. People are deep seated in their judgements about why people are poor, in jail, on the streets, down trodden, etc. and trying to fight that is like trying to fight the ocean.

You never know until you are in the situation yourself HOW or WHY people are where they are. Remind yourself of that when you hear the voice of "blanket generalization" laying its trip on your perception and taking you down the judgement trail. Putting people in a category based on your opinion is ignorant, fearful and presumptuous. You don't know what their story is anymore than they know yours. 

And that doesn't make me angry so much as, it saddens me that we still live in fear of anything we don't understand. Some more than others. ;)

one line

I am bemused, confused, amazed and bewitched by you, bb.

Common Sense MW

When you allow yourself to be dictated by OTHERS actions

YOU are no longer yourself, You have become them.

Helping a friend, a bread and butter endeavor

Helping an enemy, an invested alliance

Helping yourself, your only defense

Remain true to you, my love

Even if I am hateful & angry

You will always be one of my heroes

I'll never abandon you. 

Werdz to some weird guy I know.

I was born into a nonjudgemental frame. I have become an environmental junkie. My mastery is the moment, my test is patience, and my reward is peace. There is no finding that doesn't fit. The puzzle was predestined on a card table that is bigger than my vision can allow. YOU found ME. I didn't ask for this and honestly? I would run if i thought that would assist my future. 


I don't know what you expect us all to give up or want something from you. I guess I do want something from you. Not in a sense you have ever known. I want to know you are ok. inside. I want to know you aren't afraid or alone. I want to know you have peace and can heal your life. I want you to know no matter what you choose, I'm going to give you that support. 

I wont deny that sometimes I will be angry or hurt. I wont be quiet or afraid when that happens, I will stomp and shout LOUD. I wish you could see how important that is. 

I think maybe someday you will. I hope its not too late... thats not bragging. I don't care about all that.