It Begins!

Today is the day. So here I am, topic undecided, premise is set to “just start”.

I have been challenged to start writing again by a friend of mine I met online YEARS ago. He complimented me on an entry I wrote about one of my favorite musicians. He said, “Wow, you can write. Why aren’t you writing more?” I don’t know! giggle... I made a reconnection with him two weeks ago, and he agreed to check in with me once a week so he could help me out. But after thinking about it, and seeing that he missed our first session, if I wait for him then NOTHING will move forward. As the good fatherluke suggested, “No more excuses. Just start writing”.

That being said, I am “topic-less”. It is suggested that I write about my being a single mom, and the struggles with that. My favorite topics are music and art, as I can never get enough of either. The last two YEARS of my life have been a HUGE transition for me, and that would be a great experiment in gratitude, allowing myself to be more humble, and giving advice in how I survived them. And in my heart of hearts, I would love to see society heal itself from the ills of the world, the lies, the hatred, the bigotry, and learn to be free to allow peace and prosperity for all, so I would be writing self healing methods and measures.  

Truthfully, it could be about ALL of that. I think my biggest desire of all is to be completely honest and open, without fear of exposure. In the end, I am all I have to count on so why shouldn’t I build a base of self-assurance and move forward from there? 

So here we go. Thanks to all that are willing to take this trip with me by spending time reading my brain attack diversions!

Avoiding Capability

So this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen thinking, I don't want to work today! The truth is don't want to work at what I am doing for a living. Now... immediately after that thought was this one. This job is what makes my life possible. Why wouldn't I do the best I can so that my life can be the best it can be? Revelation moment. Why am I avoiding my life? I am creative and intelligent. I am persistent and conscientious. I am capable.

The real issue today? I am in self doubt mode-Again (yawn). Its an evil demon that was refreshed as a result from a misconception someone has about me. Last night & this morning, someone said something that really floored me. A person that has no insight or information that came from me about who I am and chose to perceive and alienate. That of course spawned another question, what am I not noticing about myself that others are seeing and I am not? That opened another door that says, you aren't ever going to be good enough, because you are flawed. As you can see that whole room in my brain is entitled, UnWorthy. What a huge load of crap. My insecurities aren't based on truth anymore than the person who passed judgment on me today. I am not angry at that other person, I am angry at myself for getting drawn into a self doubt mode. And angry at myself for REACTING to it at all. The same lesson over and over again gets really OLD. :sighs:

Being who I am is damn fine. I am human. I am not afraid to put myself out there and live, wrong, right or indifferent. I am fortunate that I am willing to live, as I want to pass that legacy on to a little man that may have some impact on slowly disappearing caring factor in my society. I refuse to be tunneled by the apathy and judgment by others. I care. DEAL with it. :smiling and alleviating doubts:

Maybe I should quit.

But, its debatable. :giggles:

happy freakin monday people. is it happy hour yet?

Random MeMe

Rebecca has tagged me for the seven random things about you meme. Sorry. More things about me you didn't want to know coming up.

1.) I had an operation for a deviated septum in my early 30's. I never knew you could wad up so much bandages into such a small hole. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for two days. and when he took it out? i almost puked. i breathe a little better now, but he said, you will always have polyps... great!

2.) When I was a little girl, I had a hard time going to sleep because all the dolls in the room my sister and I shared were lined up against the wall, and I felt like they were staring at me. And that they would come alive at night when everyone was sleeping. I hated dolls. (i have a barbie and ken story, but thats only for the personal diary. ken hated barbie, and he told her so.)

3.) I had a really hard time riding a bike as a kid! whenever I got on it I would fall off and get a scab. I was much better on skates. And was pissed, when I worked at the sonic in high school, that I couldn't be the girl out there serving the customer on skates. But seeing as I was probably the smartest of all the chicks that worked there, I had to do the register.

4.) I love to sing. do it all the time. In the shower, in the car, with my kid, making up little songs... Wish I had gotten some training in school, and doing something more professional with it now.

5.) When I was a little girl in grade school, the teacher had a ruler above the chalk board, it was actually just to lay out numbers from 1-100. I remember looking at it time and time again. I had a hard time in school (ADD remember?). And what sticks out in my mind is that while i was looking at it, certain areas of the numbers were darker than others, like shades of grey. (this wasn't actually on the chart this is what my mind created as I looked at it.) I still have a faint memory of it. I always wondered if that was going to be some kind of foreshadowing over my life. which years would be harder than others. seems to be holding true to this day. I am heading out of the dark area now, and no more dark did i see up to 100. interesting huh?

6.) I think I am afraid of ever having a relationship again. I have been physically beaten by men, verbally abused, and walked all over (some of this is my fault,and I realize that). At this point in time, I don't trust myself, and I don't trust men. I am having a hard time being comfortable enough to move on and trust someone. (Oh I lost my virginity at age 19 to a man I didn't even like. hows that for a kicker!? i only did it with him because I didn't want to get attached to anyone. Just wanted to have sex. it sucked. :wink:)

7.) I didn't cry when my pets died. I am not sure why that is. The times I cried was when the dog got so bad with cataracts that she didn't recognize me, and almost bit my hand. Thats when I realized someday she would be gone. Thats when I cried. I even saw the golden retriever get his neck broke while chasing the car (that dog was dumb.. sweeet, but dumb). And I didn't cry till i saw how hurt my dad was. Maybe I am missing a gene.

sheesh. this is REVEAL week isn't it? Did i leave anything out? Now seems to be the time to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I am in "revelation" mode.

edit: i am a total dork. I love that song by the georgia satellites, keep your hands to yourself. :giggles:



happy weekends.