So this morning I was sitting at my computer staring at the screen thinking, I don't want to work today! The truth is don't want to work at what I am doing for a living. Now... immediately after that thought was this one. This job is what makes my life possible. Why wouldn't I do the best I can so that my life can be the best it can be? Revelation moment. Why am I avoiding my life? I am creative and intelligent. I am persistent and conscientious. I am capable.
The real issue today? I am in self doubt mode-Again (yawn). Its an evil demon that was refreshed as a result from a misconception someone has about me. Last night & this morning, someone said something that really floored me. A person that has no insight or information that came from me about who I am and chose to perceive and alienate. That of course spawned another question, what am I not noticing about myself that others are seeing and I am not? That opened another door that says, you aren't ever going to be good enough, because you are flawed. As you can see that whole room in my brain is entitled, UnWorthy. What a huge load of crap. My insecurities aren't based on truth anymore than the person who passed judgment on me today. I am not angry at that other person, I am angry at myself for getting drawn into a self doubt mode. And angry at myself for REACTING to it at all. The same lesson over and over again gets really OLD. :sighs:
Being who I am is damn fine. I am human. I am not afraid to put myself out there and live, wrong, right or indifferent. I am fortunate that I am willing to live, as I want to pass that legacy on to a little man that may have some impact on slowly disappearing caring factor in my society. I refuse to be tunneled by the apathy and judgment by others. I care. DEAL with it. :smiling and alleviating doubts:
Thank you. I needed this today.
ReplyDeleteYou're hard on yourself. It's good to notice your patterns where that inner voice comes in, but don't berate yourself for listening. That doesn't help. Just stop believing that voice and it will go away. Replace it with a new voice of confidence and self-love.
ReplyDeleteYW flutter.
ReplyDeleteNAB: Yes. I really am too hard on myself. But I am moving forward every day in regards to that. Self love has always been difficult for me. But i do realize that its so much more productive when I have those moments!