I am writing a blog entry that is a bit of a challenge for me, which actually is awesome, so stay tuned. Todays thought was where is MY faith? AND why am I torturing others just because of some bad choices I made?
As I get older, I find it difficult somedays to have faith. Difficult to believe in people and their word. I find myself grasping for air lately due to my circumstances, and I am sick of that bleeding out onto the other people in my life.
Thank you to my friends that have listened to be whine and complain. Thanks to the universe for whatever lesson in boundaries I have learned here. Thanks to my son for making me laugh. Thanks to a reawakened gratitude for the abundance I have had in my life. And thanks for me finding my way back to generosity and community.
Whats that song, Have a Little Faith in Me? Yea. thank you John Haitt.
Friday, September 28
Wednesday, September 26
Pickin and Grinnin
Tonight while reading a book to my son, I look over and he is picking his nose, trying to cover it with the sheet... I say "DUDE!!!! Stop picking your nose." Then I turn away.
I continue reading then glance back at him out of the side of my eye and he is trying to drop it on the floor by the bed. I said "DUDE OMG I just vacuumed and mopped that! Here is a kleenex. ALWAYS put your boogies in the kleenex so we can toss them."
"ok mom"
I continue reading then look over again and he has his finger in his mouth.. I was like "DUDE!!!! you just had that finger up your nose!"
He says, "nu uh.. I use THIS finger (right index) for picking and this finger (left index) for digging in my mouth. Oh man, that didn't sound right!"
well there's a relief right? ha. we LAUGHED so hard at that...
I continue reading then glance back at him out of the side of my eye and he is trying to drop it on the floor by the bed. I said "DUDE OMG I just vacuumed and mopped that! Here is a kleenex. ALWAYS put your boogies in the kleenex so we can toss them."
"ok mom"
I continue reading then look over again and he has his finger in his mouth.. I was like "DUDE!!!! you just had that finger up your nose!"
He says, "nu uh.. I use THIS finger (right index) for picking and this finger (left index) for digging in my mouth. Oh man, that didn't sound right!"
well there's a relief right? ha. we LAUGHED so hard at that...
The Second or Third Worst Day
So when I was in Art School, yea the fart institute of Houston, I had one of those days where you felt like you were falling off a cliff and you never land. Today was right after that one. But I digress. Let's face this again together, shall we? OOO goody. It all started on a cold rainy day in Texas.
On the way home from school, driving my beloved Super-beetle, during one of those amazing thunderstorms in downtown Houston. Driving, blinding rain. The windshield wipers were barely capable of keeping up with the deluge. Five o'clock traffic was heavy but moving at a good speed. I wormed my way into the inner lane of southbound I45. For any of you that haven't been to Texas, or Houston that's a "four laner"(maybe five?). Im clipping along at an impressive pace, and I hear a BAM. Then that sinking feeling, literally, as the back left tire goes... FRACKENDOODLE... Me, a 24 year old girl starts hearing cars honk and seeing them swerve, skidding on the saturated pavement, trying to avoid collision from the sudden drop in speed in the fast lane. I think I gotta get out of here before I get crushed!
My brain kicks in! OH I know, BLINKER! I strike the wand, the start looking over my right shoulder just knowing they could see me, say aw poor thing, and let me over. Naivety was huge at that time and hasn't dimmed much since. I grab my girl balls and move to the right shoulder over 5 lanes of traffic in the flooding rains. It was kind of like playing dodge ball. Ironically in an orange bug! I get to the right, with a relieving vision of the overpass bridge ahead. Thinking to myself, that's one shot rim on the same side as all this traffic going by. I have NO wrench in the car, but do have a spare. There were NO cell phones at this time in history. I was destined to trudge up the hill to the closest gas station... because I wasn't sitting in that car "hoping" for help.. SEE? naive.
I carry my purse, like an idiot, head up the hill, and make it to the top. Thankfully there wasn't any mud. I head down the road in search of the gas station. A desolate street with abandoned looking shot up houses. A lone young white girl walking through what appeared to be a really bad section of town. I was walking quick, trying to hide the fact that I was an idiot that was carrying a purse, a truck load of men, who didn't speak English, drove by shouting loving terms to me, I just know it. I picked up the pace even more, and as I was looking ahead not down, my foot fell into a gas meter hole up to my knee. I fall forward into the mud. The pain was pretty harsh, but I don't shed a tear. Signs of weakness make you prey in survival town. I jump up and practically sprint, hobbling towards the glowing shell in the sky ahead of me. I finally find the supposed "sanctuary", 5 men are watching this pathetic young creature approaching. One of them was actually in the truck that went by. I tell the story of my sweet little bug muffin stuck on the side of the road with a flat and no wrench. The response? "No habla inglese". OMG. My high school years of spanish had landed in the meter hole. I repeat in english what I had said, then i said "Telephone?" They got that... I called my mom. Told her the story... that's when I cried. They couldn't even tell me the address, so I had to go find that myself, come back to the phone to tell her. She was on her way. I sat down at the gas station, composing myself. The guys must have felt sorry for me because at that point, a man who spoke English comes up and says, "what happened?" I almost kissed him.
We get into his van to try and get back to the bug and fix all problems hopefully before mom leaves. We head out on the freeway looking for the car, because I don't remember where it is at this point. These poor guys. We didn't go too far and saw it on the right side. We crisscrossed across the downtown freeway pretzel to get on the right road north to rescue the maiden. Sigh of relief. Hope is in sight! We park behind it... I go up to the door to open up the car, put the key in, turn it... it breaks off into the lock of the door. I turn around to the large hispanic man who speaks english, he is looking at me, says "You gotta spare?"Really? and if I did would it be ON me? Sadly, NO. They all roll their eyes at me. We all get back in the van and head back to the station.
They laughed, I sighed, and about an hour later my mom showed up. She and I spoke to the guys about solutions. I don't even remember what we decided to do, because we were going to need a locksmith, a new rim, and a tire. At this point I couldn't even think. We got into the car to head back home. Once those doors were shut, and we drove away, I started crying. Probably didn't stop for about half an hour. Thankful to be alive, feeling like an idiot, grateful for once to my mother.
And you know what? Today? Yea almost as bad. The difference between then and now, is that I am a victim of a different set of choices. I will tell that story once its ending appears. All I can say is if I had anger issues? I might have been arrested today for what I would have done to another human being's things, or their person. Because they deserved it. Didn't. Won't. Accepted after going out to find some truths and walking quite a bit. And finally laughed. This story isn't over yet. And I am going to lay down the law now. Its a good lesson for me in boundaries. No one else is walking on me like that again and trying to shame me. I can do this with a mostly rational mind.
I have evil thoughts of retaliation. OOO another story! stay tuned. AND be thankful.
On the way home from school, driving my beloved Super-beetle, during one of those amazing thunderstorms in downtown Houston. Driving, blinding rain. The windshield wipers were barely capable of keeping up with the deluge. Five o'clock traffic was heavy but moving at a good speed. I wormed my way into the inner lane of southbound I45. For any of you that haven't been to Texas, or Houston that's a "four laner"(maybe five?). Im clipping along at an impressive pace, and I hear a BAM. Then that sinking feeling, literally, as the back left tire goes... FRACKENDOODLE... Me, a 24 year old girl starts hearing cars honk and seeing them swerve, skidding on the saturated pavement, trying to avoid collision from the sudden drop in speed in the fast lane. I think I gotta get out of here before I get crushed!
My brain kicks in! OH I know, BLINKER! I strike the wand, the start looking over my right shoulder just knowing they could see me, say aw poor thing, and let me over. Naivety was huge at that time and hasn't dimmed much since. I grab my girl balls and move to the right shoulder over 5 lanes of traffic in the flooding rains. It was kind of like playing dodge ball. Ironically in an orange bug! I get to the right, with a relieving vision of the overpass bridge ahead. Thinking to myself, that's one shot rim on the same side as all this traffic going by. I have NO wrench in the car, but do have a spare. There were NO cell phones at this time in history. I was destined to trudge up the hill to the closest gas station... because I wasn't sitting in that car "hoping" for help.. SEE? naive.
I carry my purse, like an idiot, head up the hill, and make it to the top. Thankfully there wasn't any mud. I head down the road in search of the gas station. A desolate street with abandoned looking shot up houses. A lone young white girl walking through what appeared to be a really bad section of town. I was walking quick, trying to hide the fact that I was an idiot that was carrying a purse, a truck load of men, who didn't speak English, drove by shouting loving terms to me, I just know it. I picked up the pace even more, and as I was looking ahead not down, my foot fell into a gas meter hole up to my knee. I fall forward into the mud. The pain was pretty harsh, but I don't shed a tear. Signs of weakness make you prey in survival town. I jump up and practically sprint, hobbling towards the glowing shell in the sky ahead of me. I finally find the supposed "sanctuary", 5 men are watching this pathetic young creature approaching. One of them was actually in the truck that went by. I tell the story of my sweet little bug muffin stuck on the side of the road with a flat and no wrench. The response? "No habla inglese". OMG. My high school years of spanish had landed in the meter hole. I repeat in english what I had said, then i said "Telephone?" They got that... I called my mom. Told her the story... that's when I cried. They couldn't even tell me the address, so I had to go find that myself, come back to the phone to tell her. She was on her way. I sat down at the gas station, composing myself. The guys must have felt sorry for me because at that point, a man who spoke English comes up and says, "what happened?" I almost kissed him.
We get into his van to try and get back to the bug and fix all problems hopefully before mom leaves. We head out on the freeway looking for the car, because I don't remember where it is at this point. These poor guys. We didn't go too far and saw it on the right side. We crisscrossed across the downtown freeway pretzel to get on the right road north to rescue the maiden. Sigh of relief. Hope is in sight! We park behind it... I go up to the door to open up the car, put the key in, turn it... it breaks off into the lock of the door. I turn around to the large hispanic man who speaks english, he is looking at me, says "You gotta spare?"Really? and if I did would it be ON me? Sadly, NO. They all roll their eyes at me. We all get back in the van and head back to the station.
They laughed, I sighed, and about an hour later my mom showed up. She and I spoke to the guys about solutions. I don't even remember what we decided to do, because we were going to need a locksmith, a new rim, and a tire. At this point I couldn't even think. We got into the car to head back home. Once those doors were shut, and we drove away, I started crying. Probably didn't stop for about half an hour. Thankful to be alive, feeling like an idiot, grateful for once to my mother.
And you know what? Today? Yea almost as bad. The difference between then and now, is that I am a victim of a different set of choices. I will tell that story once its ending appears. All I can say is if I had anger issues? I might have been arrested today for what I would have done to another human being's things, or their person. Because they deserved it. Didn't. Won't. Accepted after going out to find some truths and walking quite a bit. And finally laughed. This story isn't over yet. And I am going to lay down the law now. Its a good lesson for me in boundaries. No one else is walking on me like that again and trying to shame me. I can do this with a mostly rational mind.
I have evil thoughts of retaliation. OOO another story! stay tuned. AND be thankful.
Tuesday, September 25
SHYSTA~
OK... Count down to ecstacy!!! Sigh.. i am awake at 4 am, because at 2 am I had a nightmare that someone was breaking into my apartment. I picked up some HEAVY paranoid vibes (that sounds so californian, eh what?) Sure enough the room mate was wandering around opening drawers, making noise, in the bathroom like 3 times in 30 mins..
Sigh.. THIS has been going on since Nov 2011. I asked her to move out in May 2012. WE had to go to court for removal of her person from my property (remember Pacific Heights? not that bad for sure) So, NOT ONLY has she skipped out on utilities the entire time she has lived here, this is her 2nd month of FREE rent.
I will wish her well as she is escorted from the building. OH yea. PARTY AT MY HOUSE! gonna burn some stuff, dance around doing rituals, toss the holy water, and make a general ruckus. Oh and when you do come? I take all donations of candles and some nag champa... Its needed.
TIME for the return of peace to casa de mellainaise!!!! its ALL good. mwah
Sigh.. THIS has been going on since Nov 2011. I asked her to move out in May 2012. WE had to go to court for removal of her person from my property (remember Pacific Heights? not that bad for sure) So, NOT ONLY has she skipped out on utilities the entire time she has lived here, this is her 2nd month of FREE rent.
I will wish her well as she is escorted from the building. OH yea. PARTY AT MY HOUSE! gonna burn some stuff, dance around doing rituals, toss the holy water, and make a general ruckus. Oh and when you do come? I take all donations of candles and some nag champa... Its needed.
TIME for the return of peace to casa de mellainaise!!!! its ALL good. mwah
Monday, September 24
Intelligence
People are always amazed when they find out I am actually intelligent. Its like, wow you really know how to use your mind. Today someone that I have worked with for over a year now said to me, WOW, you're actually really smart. Giggle.
Well DUH freaks! Why would I want you to figure that out so quickly about me? Then it be WORK WORK WORK.... sigh. And who needs more of that?
HI HO!!!!! Hi HO!!!!! its off to work we go...
Well DUH freaks! Why would I want you to figure that out so quickly about me? Then it be WORK WORK WORK.... sigh. And who needs more of that?
HI HO!!!!! Hi HO!!!!! its off to work we go...
I hate games
I hate people that try to play games with your head. Seriously... I have had enough of you messing with my mind. There's enough turmoil up there as it is. So when you keep asking me to play and I refuse? Its not because I don't care about you (or people in general), I'm just NOT gonna play your game. NOT... keep asking, answers gonna be the same.
You know what continues to AMUSE and AMAZE me about adults, is that 80 percent of them are terrified of saying the whole truth. I have my moments where I remain silent, but if you ask me? The truth is coming out when it does come out. I got nothing to hide... not a lot to be ashamed of. I let go of regret a while ago. Done my penance for the crimes. Although sometimes when I rush into any situation, I do find that I'm the one that ends up losing, because I WANT to believe in peoples word. But then again, thats because people want you to "play their game". Peasants.
BLEH-key BLECKS... fuck all... i'm gonna go be a pirate.
You know what continues to AMUSE and AMAZE me about adults, is that 80 percent of them are terrified of saying the whole truth. I have my moments where I remain silent, but if you ask me? The truth is coming out when it does come out. I got nothing to hide... not a lot to be ashamed of. I let go of regret a while ago. Done my penance for the crimes. Although sometimes when I rush into any situation, I do find that I'm the one that ends up losing, because I WANT to believe in peoples word. But then again, thats because people want you to "play their game". Peasants.
BLEH-key BLECKS... fuck all... i'm gonna go be a pirate.
Thursday, September 20
Inspired
there are a lot of things in life that inspire me. i am so fortunate. despite all the shit life has thrown at me, i see beauty, in every moment, every gesture, every breath. i am so grateful for that.
i looked at the man in my bed today, which is my son, and i thought, what did i do to deserve this? i wish for him.
i hope someday a man finds us that realizes what a benefit our little family could make to his happiness. we are awesome. someone is missing out.
i looked at the man in my bed today, which is my son, and i thought, what did i do to deserve this? i wish for him.
i hope someday a man finds us that realizes what a benefit our little family could make to his happiness. we are awesome. someone is missing out.
Wednesday, September 19
what i learned today
the last time i felt alive was when i was with you. when i hugged you goodbye, i think i knew it would be the last time i would see you. i hope i am wrong... every minute of everyday.
the last time i felt worthy was when my son laughed with me during sushi last night. he reminds me of what life really is.
the last time i realized i had talent was when i painted leaves today, even though i was rejected immediately.
the last time i felt romance was listening to a song on my ipod. and the last song i heard reminds me of randolph. its his sound.
the last time i felt like wanting to stay alive was this minute. i hope that lasts. if i keep listening to music, then I will.
no one ever knows how things will evolve... i used to pride myself on riding the waves. now, i pride myself on staying alive.
the last time i felt worthy was when my son laughed with me during sushi last night. he reminds me of what life really is.
the last time i realized i had talent was when i painted leaves today, even though i was rejected immediately.
the last time i felt romance was listening to a song on my ipod. and the last song i heard reminds me of randolph. its his sound.
the last time i felt like wanting to stay alive was this minute. i hope that lasts. if i keep listening to music, then I will.
no one ever knows how things will evolve... i used to pride myself on riding the waves. now, i pride myself on staying alive.
Thursday, September 13
Scambots
You know, I am a decent person. Generous, happy go lucky, benefit of the doubt, easy to laugh or make a joke. Not bad on the eyes. Sure I have some deep seated issues, but i haven't met ONE person on the planet that doesn't.
Now to the point. So, you talk to people online, you learn who seems to be more trustworthy than others. You learn that there are people that CAN and WILL attempt to take advantage of you. I got hit up by one of them recently.
This man who attempts to make friends with me, seems ok! Lives close not too far from me, nice enough guy, normal looking in the pictures, etc. we become friends. Thats it, just chatting about work, kids and ex's... typical stuff. Tells me that he wants to commission a painting from me for his mother, I was a bit skeptical about that since he had not seen my work but just let it slide and didn't discuss it past the point of, you send me the money, then I will paint it for you.
Sure enough a couple of weeks later, maybe 3, he tries to get me to open a bank account so that he can PAY me... and send money to his mom.. (funny that he appears right now online as I am typing this). Thats when I said, WHAT? Dude, do you think I am stupid or something? Hell I wouldn't barely do that for my best friend much less a stranger. Then it becomes a cat and mouse game... when can you? I am not going to. He: I will send you money to open it. Me: I am not going to. He: how much for a deposit and it has to be THIS bank? Me: (handing him some mental floss and a Qtip) Dude, just because I dye my hair blonde doesn't MEAN i can't smell a scam! I am NOT GOING TO.
Now i have to block him, hide from him etc. People have so much potential to be GREAT but they inevitably end up greedy and self absorbed.
Bleh. I have to work on my gratitude for whatever lesson I was to learn from that hunk a dory douchebag.
its too bad too. he is someones dad!
Now to the point. So, you talk to people online, you learn who seems to be more trustworthy than others. You learn that there are people that CAN and WILL attempt to take advantage of you. I got hit up by one of them recently.
This man who attempts to make friends with me, seems ok! Lives close not too far from me, nice enough guy, normal looking in the pictures, etc. we become friends. Thats it, just chatting about work, kids and ex's... typical stuff. Tells me that he wants to commission a painting from me for his mother, I was a bit skeptical about that since he had not seen my work but just let it slide and didn't discuss it past the point of, you send me the money, then I will paint it for you.
Sure enough a couple of weeks later, maybe 3, he tries to get me to open a bank account so that he can PAY me... and send money to his mom.. (funny that he appears right now online as I am typing this). Thats when I said, WHAT? Dude, do you think I am stupid or something? Hell I wouldn't barely do that for my best friend much less a stranger. Then it becomes a cat and mouse game... when can you? I am not going to. He: I will send you money to open it. Me: I am not going to. He: how much for a deposit and it has to be THIS bank? Me: (handing him some mental floss and a Qtip) Dude, just because I dye my hair blonde doesn't MEAN i can't smell a scam! I am NOT GOING TO.
Now i have to block him, hide from him etc. People have so much potential to be GREAT but they inevitably end up greedy and self absorbed.
Bleh. I have to work on my gratitude for whatever lesson I was to learn from that hunk a dory douchebag.
its too bad too. he is someones dad!
Wednesday, September 12
there
One day I woke up and there you were. Sitting on the side of the bed looking at me, watching me sleep. It was beautiful.
then I realized i was dreaming.
Sunday, September 9
Information
You know there are people in this world that will use information in their own way to manipulate things however they want to.
I have someone trying to get me to launder money for them. Sheesh. I swear that sucker tattoo on my forehead sure is hard to remove!!!!
bleh. bring me a trustworthy mate that cherishes laughter and integrity. bless you baby CHEEZITS!!!!
I have someone trying to get me to launder money for them. Sheesh. I swear that sucker tattoo on my forehead sure is hard to remove!!!!
bleh. bring me a trustworthy mate that cherishes laughter and integrity. bless you baby CHEEZITS!!!!
Saturday, September 8
Dinner
Tonight I went to a friends house for dinner, or should I say a couple's house! They were recently married... I love that part of my extended family! Something always makes me feel comfy there. They are a group of holistic people that love to eat, talk and change things around them in good positive ways. I find that comforting.
I am the odd ball. the squawker. I tend to act out, be the clown... They kind of roll their eyes at me, but hey... Everyone has their role in a community, mine is to make things a bit off beat. If we all saw things the same, the world would quickly go to ruin, in my opinion.
I don't feel at home most places, and I have learned to be very comfortable with that, but every once in a while, I feel at home. Anthony and Drea are my extended family. Its good for me.
Come see us at the Annual OSK Thanksgiving dinner this year! I will be an "ambassador". Guess I better get this body into shape!!! woohoo!
Come see us at the Annual OSK Thanksgiving dinner this year! I will be an "ambassador". Guess I better get this body into shape!!! woohoo!
Thursday, September 6
The Carrot
I was talking to an old friend a few days ago about life. He was discussing sex and why women used sex as a power against men, the carrot dangle. I pondered and pondered this question. I don't find myself as someone that does that.
But the answer came to me. Women want emotional connection. Men don't find it that easy to go there. We use it as a bargaining tool to get the emotional connection we need to BREATH.
Ponder that my tripod gender friends... you have the ability to achieve and receive with that ONE piece of information. Tell the truth, and try a little emotional connection. Every maiden would then flock to your campfire. GUARANTEED.
But the answer came to me. Women want emotional connection. Men don't find it that easy to go there. We use it as a bargaining tool to get the emotional connection we need to BREATH.
Ponder that my tripod gender friends... you have the ability to achieve and receive with that ONE piece of information. Tell the truth, and try a little emotional connection. Every maiden would then flock to your campfire. GUARANTEED.
Smile
You should always have one. People that take that away from you aren't your friends. They are your enemies.
Tuesday, September 4
OMG more delays?????????
Really? This is the longest bus ride I think I have ever been on... And this pissy little teenage princess ogre that is so self righteous turns out to be a thorn in everyones side in this never ending scenery rotation. I think she just keeps rolling the same schizo play out in her head justifying the torture her life is because of her own hand. Her karma is a deep dark hole with spikey spikes.
I hate having to play the evil queen of the castle... but hell, i have a kingdom that needs her diseased shell to exit the stage. The kid says, Mom, you can NEVER hum again. The poor dear has been terrorized. and i have years to make up for that one.
Today I start again... then tomorrow I will start again... then the day after that? One more day. Thanks for the time off... I needed it! Back to it with guns blaring!!!!
I hate having to play the evil queen of the castle... but hell, i have a kingdom that needs her diseased shell to exit the stage. The kid says, Mom, you can NEVER hum again. The poor dear has been terrorized. and i have years to make up for that one.
Today I start again... then tomorrow I will start again... then the day after that? One more day. Thanks for the time off... I needed it! Back to it with guns blaring!!!!
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