Swimming

Last night I had a dream I was in a resort hotel. We had a meeting and after afterwards we went swimming. I took all my clothes off and dove into the pool. I felt at ease and relaxed, even a little bit lazy. I proceeded to do a few laps with some languid flips at the ends of the pool, almost in slow motion. It felt good to be in the water again, gliding through the silence and serenity of its depth.

I wish all of life felt like that cool tepid blue water. I remember feeling the bliss of oneness with my element. Got to get back into the pool.

Forthright

I have been thinking on this topic for a couple of weeks now. Life is a strange ocean we surf everyday. Always bringing us the tests we are meant to accomplish and move past. Seeing as I am in recovery, I am required/excited to be honest with all my actions/speech. It has got me noticing when people aren't being honest. I find it intriguing/frustrating that people underestimate those they do not know. They say little lies to themselves and others to not have to "hassle" with the truth. How does that serve anyone's best interests? Rather to not say anything than to make stuff up.

I love life. I love everything about it. I am grateful to be aware again. My son is grateful I am aware too.

hug your loved ones!!!

Creativity

When I first started writing poetry, I thought that I could only do it when I was drinking in a bar, like the "greats". Drunk and dazzlingly intellectual. That only works for a brief bit of time during the process of consuming alcohol. Most of the time I ended up having in-depth discussions with other saturated semi-philosophers. I ended up writing many journals during that time frame. Alas, all those books of my poetry and writings were lost forever when I moved from Florida back to Texas. My portfolio, my journals, my history, my sketches, etc. That is the only thing I have ever lamented losing in my life. My history was in those journals. My unpublished poetry, thoughts of all the wreckage I survived during those 15 years of my life. I will never see them again. I get sick to my stomach thinking of it.

I am working on a new phase in my life right now, and it will be a new sort of creativity. I cherish the opportunity and am grateful that I wasn't lost during all the trials I have set forth for myself and hurdled over. I learned a lesson that I will be teaching my son. Always journal, and keep them in a safe place so you can access them in the future. Don't lose that part of your past. All else is material, and although those things can be valuable and worthy, it is our memories that are of true value. These images of our lives give us balance, support and a sense of self. When we get older and our minds become more feeble, they are the reminders of our physical paths and how we developed into the characters we are.

This week I am relearning the lesson, be here, now, for that is all you truly have. I have let go of those journals for a reason. They may be teaching someone else right now, or in a land fill rotting away, who knows. Maybe the words will fill the air and travel to somewhere, or I hope they do. I always hope. Despite all that has happened and even if things "appear" to be hopeless, I still hold onto it. I just don't always surface above the waterline to proclaim hope as a savior.

So what is all this about? Creativity. Time to get back to pure creativity. I have always had it. I have denied its existence lately for I was refusing/misusing it. I am free now to reunite with its claim on me. Let it flow dear girl. Its your recovery tool.

Sometimes Things Become Crystal Clear

Someone that I love dearly, came over today and brought me some chili. And with all that is going on with me, all he could talk about were his drama's. Remember people never change, I mean unless its absolutely necessary and they choose to re-rail their destinies.

yea. I did the right thing. Still love the guy, but hell... *giggle*

Recovery

I am learning about recovery. This is my first week. I am glad I can get support.

bonus

i get to disappear today. isn't that cool?

i can't say it better than this

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone


i miss being in love. nothing like it.

i can't say it better than this

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

back to you

today, I grew up. i realized i can love someone with all my heart, and not lose anything. i only have one more week to be a kid. LOL

Comedian

So, the other day, I heard a comedian talking about his wife and his kids. He was debating with his wife about what they did that day. She was pregnant at the time. He says, i came home the house was dirty, i asked her what she did all day. She responds, I made a LUNG. and a kidney and an eye... etc.

i have learned today that i can respect myself for creating an AWESOME human being!! ty melanie for making an austin. its a gift to yourself. he will be a mighty force.

Just Another day

today i thought, maybe I should just disappear forever, like keep my mouth shut. they hear me, but they blame me for what i see in what they are telling me! i dont want to win, i just want to help. so how is it i am the enemy?

don't ask me OK? because i will be blamed for making you an enemy of yourself.