Your Role in the Circus

I don't know why this popped into my head. I was thinking of a friend and thought to myself, he is just a psycho circus clown! (I've known a few of those in my life). Then I thought, well missy, if you're gonna label someone, whats your role?

Yea. Psycho Circus clown. Law of attraction! LOL

Creepy Spiders

In this dream I was at the house of a friend, I have been having lots of dreams of new friends lately, its cool actually. This friend was a "psychic". We had been at a show or the movies and I had come back early because I got bored with it. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands, and when i reached for the sink, I went through what felt like a spider web. The spiders or whatever kind of bugs, because I never SAW the actual bugs, just black dots on the web like material, clung to me. As I struggled with them, they multiplied. The others came home and I asked them to help me remove the bugs, but no one else could see them, and they told me I was imagining things. It took me 3 different sinks/faucets to clear off these bugs. The spiders were biting me, but once they were gone, I looked down, and there weren't any marks on my skin.

Odd.. I remember wearing a red sweater with a white shirt underneath. So odd what you remember about your dreams. I really should type them out when I first wake up. There was a long talk with a psychic woman, seems we were to be sharing a house together. Cool!

I remember you

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart I'll stay there forever."

Winnie the Pooh.

Thanksgiving

Each time I approach an opportunity to help others I question why. Then I push through that because I know it doesn't matter how I am lead to what I need to do, I just need to DO it. All of our lives are spent in flux of where we are and where we want or need to be.

SUCH a great day. My extended family showed up AGAIN today to remind me and my son of our  rich fellowship in this town. I didn't know how to believe that until I experienced it again. A chance for me to give and allow anything to happen. So wonderful. Some people may not be able to really see me, but thats important too. I think I am a person that offers diversity and acceptance. It may be the only thing I am grateful to myself for. I know there is so much more I could do.

Today, I connected with a sailor, a stressed homeless mother of 3, a couple i have spent 3 events with, a mom from out of town that i LOVE!, my best buddies trying to navigate a HUGE event, chico, my pal DJ, so many new faces that deserved my respect. I hope they realize that they are doing the same for me when they take a minute to acknowledge me.

So thankful for that event and that day which means so much to so many. Onto Christmas!

The Bucket List

You know, as I have been fielding my trials and tribs this weird, weird astrologically, spiritually, and soulful journey that has been the last year of my wonderfully abundant existence, I have had reoccurring visions of things I haven't done  and reminded myself, oh wait! You aren't DEAD! woohoo! BONUS!

So, in light of said rediscovery, I have decided to create a bucket list... Some of these things are completely and utterly egotistical nonsense, ie: desires I may NEVER act upon, but mostly? This inspriation needs to be taken CARE of.

Melanie's BUCKET List:

1: Fishing trip to Alaska. I want to bait and hook and catch some large fishes, wearing fur lined clothing.

2. Venice: I want to wear a beautiful black and white costume at a Venice Italy costume party, then ride in a gondola and kiss the night away.

3. I want to do Formula Car racing. I have ALWAYS loved driving fast, in small cars... top speed watching the world as a blur. Heck I would take the Autoban with a Ferrari at this point, but I would love to hit a Formula race track... and feel that power under me while steering.

4. Have a partner that I can love unconditionally and know they felt the same about me.

5. PODCAST: I am the purveyor of new constitution. I am in tune, i see, I feel, I recognize, I don't judge. I appreciate. I'm doing a podcast.

6. Have one of my paintings hang in a museum.

7. Make a film. Completely visionary, no agenda, just beauty. The only message being joy.

8. Disneyland with my son. Riding rides, having a laugh, eating CRAP food, not worrying about what anything costs, and feeling the joy of just being happy in a totally unrealistic but enjoyable space.

9. Help my son understand his empathetic nature and how to nurture it to his highest good without prejudice.

10. I want to ride in a Hot Air Balloon. Maybe in Napa.

11. Be able to use my ankle normally again (this is going to take a miracle, but I am going to keep believing it can happen, cuz i am built to choose).

12. Have a home, with a washer and dryer, a yard, so we can have a dog, a cat, and a place to play basketball or baseball, or heck BBQ and sit outside.

13. Amsterdam at Christmastime!!!! right?

14. Slap someone that REALLY deserves to be told to STFU!... sigh. I know, anger management, and it wont help anything except to make ME feel better, but sheesh! its on the list.

15. I have never done the "flamming bag of poop". I'd like to see that!

16. Streak!!!!! i don't know where or when, but yea! my ugly naked body in protest running free.

17. Niagra Falls. haven't seen it.

18.  Create an entire album (CD/MP3's)  of MY sound, wishfully in my OWN studio, with my son and my friends.

19. Kiss someone I LOVE under a waterfall... Fiji? Hawaii? Mexico? I don't care. just tongues and waterfalls...

20. I want a sustainable Farm.. one that farms fish, so i know that they are heavy metal free. And I am contributing to a healthier planet through the real medicine of our lives, food.

21. Most of all, and this is SOOOO pollyana, but its my freaking list so deal! I want to help make the world a more peaceful place. As we reproduce exponentially, we stress our planet and ourselves. We deserve an oasis that isn't filled with panacea. THATS a dream, but anything can happen. 21 BLACK jack... isn't that appropriate? its odd more people don't associate physics or numerology to events or outcome. Moving ON~

22. Write a novel about why/how we choose life, and a childrens book about understanding and believing that you are who you are, no person can take that from you.

I once said to someone I know, we are an abandoned race of aliens clinging to a dying planet. I wish that wasn't so, but since I am part of the breed, lets make the best of it before the zombie apocalypse.

More to come.

Music

There are a few things that keep popping up in my dreams these last few weeks... Friends that love me for WHO I AM, and Music. Last night i was surrounded in my dreams by my musician friends and they were encouraging me to write and sing again.

With ALL the crapazoid that is happening in my life right now, including my entertaining but frustrating Ninja hamster (which really would make a GREAT song) I am feeling more and more grounded into me.

all happens for a reason, and fighting it with ego is a losing battle.

If

you had the chance to see me again, would you? Make the choices not using words but using actions? If i am that easily forgotten, or dismissed, that pretty much says it all...

running on empty... hopefully i wont get stranded in the desert. I need an oasis... 

Rain

Soothes my soul. Its sunny today so I am going to get out and do something. 

how different are you?

You know so many people label shit.. this is this way that is that way we are this way we are that way… fuck that shit. Nobody is anybody else. 

i have never been predictable. its not an intention, its static, and genetic,  My way is not an accepted  or lucrative path, but its just as real as the shit your trying to sell me… I spend everyday trying to believe that this earth isn’t a huge garbage dump. Cant we believe together? Or is that outside of the “definition”? DRAMA!!!!!!! lol.... so misinformed.

help your loved ones. help your friends. help me.  and ultimately? help yourself. all we are we are.. and everyday is a start of something beautiful. 

you have created a world where your desires are king, without question, and needing. lose the attachment love. or be more forthright.

judging me based on your limitations is counterproductive.

We are each other

maybe we arent each other, but i am rarely wrong about these type of things. No matter how much you complain or whine or bitch to your friends OR yourself, there is no denying our obviously well suited dichotomy.

You claim to be so uber intelligent, so with it and together, an advanced thinker. I believe in you. Your mind is a beautiful place i wish i could sit and absorb for a while. the one thing its missing is a window. its there you just forgot how to open it.

open it bb. and breathe.

HELP~

Sigh.... I need a solid internet connection to accomplish a job, and can't pay my bill so I can't get it done... Then I went to the closest WiFi, and their connection wouldn't let me access the website I needed... FRUSTRATION!

Help me big pile of money, Help me!

Humor

Everybody loves a good joke! Me especially... I have been thinking of starting a comedy routine myself, there is an open mic this week in "college town" and a friend suggested I take part. I am still a bit nervous about being on stage in front of people after all my years of living.

She and I also discussed a topic about what humor really is. She was telling me a tale about a stunt that Jimmy Kimmel pulled with kids and their parents regarding Halloween candy and video tape. I think that humor based on other peoples lives is totally WEAK! I get putting down some actions of stupidity by humans. But entertainment by making fun of people to their face to me is boring, base and basically hateful and rude.

We have become this society of idiots that think our "fellow man" is some kind of freakish cask we aren't a part of, and the ONLY people we can associate with are people like us. And then the "people like us" turn out to be the idiots we ourselves can be! Face it folks, we eat, we breathe we shit we wipe, we sleep we dream we wake and do it ALL over again. Making fun of yourself by using another human as a shield is a cowards game.

I don't have time for weak little cowards. GET SOME BALLS, I think we are all crazy! Some of us just hide it better than others. My life is a bulletin board, and I use dry erase markers to rewrite crazy EVERYDAY~ But I am not going to use other peoples experiences to make my jokes. Hell they are me, and I can't grow and move past the idiocy if i abhor or ignore what they are doing.

Righteous behaviour is fine and dandy if it serves a higher purpose. Being rude and hateful isn't a higher purpose... its a shit-house. I don't want to be queen of the shit-house...

Orca and eggs

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was everywhere. In the beginning of the dream, I was downtown in my home town, and talking to some tourists from France. We were close to a daycare facility where i had been visiting a friend. This couple had 3 children varying ages... Each small enough to hold in your arms though. The smallest one was crying and reaching for me the entire time, so i offered to hold it. This boy came into my arms and started giggling and laughing immediately. I asked them what they were going to do, and if it was ok if this child and i walked for a bit, Sure they said, and so we did. After walking about a half a block i turn around and see that the tourists are gone. I freaked out a little bit but the child was amazing so, I just continued to play and talk to this small child. I then returned to the daycare to leave the boy so his parents could find him, and they were there. They were completely unconcerned! I was baffled by this entire process of the parents reactions.

I was visiting friends last night at their house. They had just redone everything and it was near the ocean in Seattle. I was visiting with a lot of old friends and a few new ones. everyone was dressed beautifully as well. They had a beautiful spread of breakfast foods out. And on each table was a plate of over easy eggs with pepper. I kept thinking to myself i want some, but never quite got there... There was a lot of dialogue with others but i don't remember much of any one topic right now. I hate it when I forget details.

The house was right by the ocean, and once we were done feasting, everyone put on their suits and we went swimming. At the waters edge was a man swimming with an adolescent Orca, and some dolphins. This orca was frolicking around with him, but the man was trying to ride him and it was making the orca upset. The orca kept rolling over tossing him off. I said something to the man and he just frowned and rolled away. The orca swam to me to thank me, and we swam there peacefully while i stroked his skin... Amazing feeling. Then the orca took off to chase a shark away.

AFter I got out of the water, i had to go to the court house to do some kind of required testing. When i walked in to sit down there was this cop standing there "keeping the peace" and directing people. He was HUGE! and honestly out of the whole drem he was he only thing that looked like he stepped right out of a super hero comic book. I mentioned this to the official talking to everyone that was doing the testing. This man said to me, its all in your mind, he isn't that way. I finished my test with a woman and headed out the back door.

Outside the building was a HuGe playground of sand! A hill... at the bottom of the hill was another huge area of sand. There was no one in the area at that very moment and I thought I should go get my son, and play. Then people started showing up with buckets of colored sand, and making murals. My son showed up with his colored sand and started doing amazing artwork.

ok thats it.

Steppin Out

I met a very lovely, nutty but LOVELY, man on the internet. What little I know about him, I very much like. I see him on the website where we met but he isnt really chatting with me anymore.  I know he has a hectic life, so I try not to take it personally. Sometimes that is VERY difficult in this life. When you don't have any direct information, the mind swirls around like a "sandy" storm, creating all kinds of metaphors and mystic logic. I have decided instead of going there to say hi to him, and seeing this interaction going on with no word to me, I am going to step out of the online deal for a bit.

I am a bit gregarious as well, so that tends to shut others down, or make people walk away. That being said, I admit freely that I don't buy into social protocol. (as you have probably gathered after reading this mental diarrhea train!) This is my damn life, and if you don't like my forward manner, you can just go sit on the bench with the rest of the sheep. I don't have enough time to stop pursuing what it is I am after in this brief time I have left on this plane of existence  I ask direct questions because I am sick of people WASTING my time with white lies and timid behavior  I would never intentionally harm anyone in any way, or make your life more difficult, so don't do it to me by placing "manners and protocol" into my vocabulary. I am a wild but gentle soul with no desire to waste my energy on hate, or evil manipulative games. There are plenty of those wolves out there, or sharks if you prefer.

He is only one of three people I talk to there anyway. I miss our chats from our first interactions, but OH WELL!!!!! puttin on my tap shoes and gonna keep dancin.  Online dating can be super fun! But, it does lead to some residual frustrations. I am going to remove the tension, and just step back for a bit. You know where to find me if you are even looking, people that CARE about me. xoxoxoxo

unconditional love is all i have to give, so, if thats not something you want? get lost.

Abandonment

Everyone has issues in their personal lives that lead to deep dark scars. These scars appear when we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to people that we trust with our feelings. Its a BEAUTIFUL thing in so many ways. So freeing to be in that circular awareness balancing out with another and finding joy. And still, vulnerable to the sting of another persons conditions or emotions.

I don't know a lot of people that are as open and forthright as I am. I have spent years working on getting past the petty bullshit and facing my own issues. I am capable of having adult conversations with out judgement or fear. BUT when I put myself on the line, lay it all out, jump into his arms without inhibition, knowing thats what i want, no questions asked so why wait kind of abandonment, I do have one quirky expectation; that the other person is honest with me in return and meets me at the crossroads so to speak. ie: Interested? Cool, then say so! Not interested? Cool! don't waste my time. Need some time to figure it out? Cool! just ask for it! i got NO hate for the people I love. Its an odd concept I know, but be assured its still in practice. Words may misrepresent the level of integrity at some point but the action is always the same. Loyalty and devotion.

A recent episode of me allowing my pure feelings to be exposed has enlightened me to a curious detail of my personality. I think i may have an abandonment issue. This is unhealthy for me and whomever that I come in contact with. This could be a good indicator of why I am not moving forward in love. The lack of true communication beyond a certain point leaves me feeling restless and nervous.  A friend of mine conveyed to me that its typical behavior for a woman to want to feel reassured. In word and deed by a man she cares about who cares about her. My thought process is more along the lines of no one else is responsible for my security or piece of mind. Thats my job. I only have myself to count on and sometimes she isn't available for a sane conversation! So exploring any glitches in the mainframe is of the essence. This is one to tear down and rebuild for sure.

I am happy that something static and stationary is going to come into my life this week. That will help me focus and get past some serious personal issues I have to face this month.

I apologize if my issue has been upsetting to anyone, and grateful to the non-hypocritical humans in my life that understand I am human and forgive me for that. As I do their issues. All we have is forgiveness, levity and forward motion to keep us from killing one another! Lets laugh again, shall we?

Sandy

You know I am a fortunate woman. I have lived through many hurricanes without any real catastrophes. A friend of mine that does readings for me has property in NJ. Her basement has 4ft standing water in it and exterior wind damage. My prayers are with her.

I am sending out my gratitude and prayers for people that have had to deal with the damage and chaos of Sandy. Cleansing or no, good honest hard working people have hardships because of mother nature, and or changing weather trends... its no laughing matter.

I am blessed.

Check it.

I am a single mother living in Santa Barbara with no child support and currently NO job. That will change next week, as I interviewed and WOOHOO nailed it! Its not  much but I will be happy to be doing something again with some really nice people in a small non corporate office. I need the distraction. I often wonder while people are complaining to me about how they don't have time for a life, or they don't have time to talk or share or WHATEVER it is they don't have, how miserable they are, and think to myself that teachers voice in the Charlie Brown cartoons of our youth.. (blah blah blah blah blah)...

People I have a child! I don't even have time to wipe my ASS... and here i am pretty much smiling most of the time... WTF? Grow up and get the F*CK over yourselves... And that evil witch that is wishing me into oblivion so she can get what she wants? FY too... You're black magic is going to spell you right outta your hair! BALDEEE! but hey, some men like a bald taco... ok ok uncalled for, sigh... back to reality... CHECK.

I don't like thinking bad thoughts of anyone or anything, happens as a result of being so damn naive for so long and the water torture of realizing that if you are naive, you gotta get used to pain. And learn to feel the liars and thieves coming towards ya from 100 feet away and BOLT. So, for the closing, my "law of attraction" cohorts know, i must end this on a positive note. I am thankful of the experiences I have had because they have created a level of gratitude in me towards all people. The lessons I learn from them are invaluable. I wish for those people to move to their highest good. I draw to me a love that i can nurture and hold close to my heart. A relationship that will allow amazing loyalty and support that will be appreciated and utilized by both. A balance so my partner and I  will have what we want in abundance. (sexual innuendo intended!) giggle...

Hawaiian Prayer:
I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you.

Zen and now, a life in balance is the only life to be lived. Everyday is a struggle in-between and we choose where we stand in each moment. did you hear the teachers voice at the end of that second paragraph? lol... yea bb! my work is done here.

Ima Hamster

Cleaning out the hamster cage today, i had to remove Freddy and put him in the ball. The hamster BIT me... took a chunk out of my finger!!!! no pictures. OUCH.

Anyway, upon picking up my son austin, i told him this story. Then i said to him, "Do you think that I will turn into a hamster since he bit me? You know vampires bite people and they turn into vampires. What if i turn into a hamster?" He laughed. saying NO mom..

What I wouldn't give for a full on hamster suit to put on and wake him up in the morning dressed as a hamster!!!!! 

Yea baby.. Where is the nearest makeup artist when you need one!? lol...

Dreams

I often wonder when my friends appear in my dreams if they are calling to me or me to them. This has happened to me throughout my life. Last night my dreams brought you to me again. You were all messed up bb. You couldn't be consistent with anything. You were talking to me in a strange voice, and grabbing my hand asking me to lay down with you. You were smiling at me while you were holding my hand and you had given me a lei to wear around my neck.  You kept leading me from one car to the next through a huge yard full of old cars, trying to find "the right one" for us to go somewhere in... we never really got to one that you were happy with. We did end up sitting down and having a long talk. It was nice talking finally.

I think thats pretty telling of where you are. I woke up with an ache in my heart knowing you wont let me in or anyone else to help you. Please take care of you, my friend. Find that peace inside that will lead you out of the hole. I am always here with my hand outstretched in friendship to help, no matter what it is you need, with no anger, and no regrets. always xo