Abandonment

Everyone has issues in their personal lives that lead to deep dark scars. These scars appear when we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to people that we trust with our feelings. Its a BEAUTIFUL thing in so many ways. So freeing to be in that circular awareness balancing out with another and finding joy. And still, vulnerable to the sting of another persons conditions or emotions.

I don't know a lot of people that are as open and forthright as I am. I have spent years working on getting past the petty bullshit and facing my own issues. I am capable of having adult conversations with out judgement or fear. BUT when I put myself on the line, lay it all out, jump into his arms without inhibition, knowing thats what i want, no questions asked so why wait kind of abandonment, I do have one quirky expectation; that the other person is honest with me in return and meets me at the crossroads so to speak. ie: Interested? Cool, then say so! Not interested? Cool! don't waste my time. Need some time to figure it out? Cool! just ask for it! i got NO hate for the people I love. Its an odd concept I know, but be assured its still in practice. Words may misrepresent the level of integrity at some point but the action is always the same. Loyalty and devotion.

A recent episode of me allowing my pure feelings to be exposed has enlightened me to a curious detail of my personality. I think i may have an abandonment issue. This is unhealthy for me and whomever that I come in contact with. This could be a good indicator of why I am not moving forward in love. The lack of true communication beyond a certain point leaves me feeling restless and nervous.  A friend of mine conveyed to me that its typical behavior for a woman to want to feel reassured. In word and deed by a man she cares about who cares about her. My thought process is more along the lines of no one else is responsible for my security or piece of mind. Thats my job. I only have myself to count on and sometimes she isn't available for a sane conversation! So exploring any glitches in the mainframe is of the essence. This is one to tear down and rebuild for sure.

I am happy that something static and stationary is going to come into my life this week. That will help me focus and get past some serious personal issues I have to face this month.

I apologize if my issue has been upsetting to anyone, and grateful to the non-hypocritical humans in my life that understand I am human and forgive me for that. As I do their issues. All we have is forgiveness, levity and forward motion to keep us from killing one another! Lets laugh again, shall we?