Keep Me

How hard is it for us to face the truths of our choices? Remember to honor yourself for making any choice you do make. We are just weaklings clinging to the promise of a beautiful tomorrow. We create all we eventually perceive. Keep your pace beloved. Keep your wisdom. Keep your originality.

You showed me that my originality was something worthy. Im here to be your best friend. Let it BE.

Jeff

Last night I had a dream about my ex, Jeff. We were together in a house with Austin, our son. We hadn't seen him in a long time, I think it was some kind of holiday and we remet at church. We were having fun with taking a shower, and watching baseball on TV. Lots of things were happening, Padres on TV... anyway, at one point we were laying in bed talking about love. The discussion I think was about how women and men have a Hate/Love situation going on all the time, we hate to love them but we do... I looked at him and I said, yea I hate to love you but i do. He said, yea you do.

I actually DONT! so, I am wondering what the message is in that vision? Who in my life now, reminds me of Jeff, in the sense of relationships? Someone I may need to let go of quickly as to not ride that wild stallion into self hatred territory again. There were a lot of truths in that dream! Things to look for, and be grateful for; friends, connection, judgement, peril, property and its value, but the impact of love most of all.

Love is a wrangley octupussy. So many things are caught up in there... I know what I want! Hands down, and its something I have felt recently. I realize getting to the point of having what i want means I clear up some life business, mainly work and settling into my true passion. I will just be patient to find him again, the man that is fated to be my partner, someone as uniquely odd and creative as I am, but with opposite strengths so that we can make each others lives easier and more peaceful.

Theres a moment

There is a moment when you realize
The sounds you hear strike different vibrations in your soul than others
the things you see aren't unique, you see them uniquely
the images you create are a surreal cast of your own dreams.

Thats when you grow in all directions towards finding a light you can live with.
A passion that keeps you reaching for the light from the darkness.

Life is a balance of both. keep reaching moment by moment.

mm - 2012

How to evaluate whats important

There come times in our lives when the universe tosses us off, and says, you have been complacent long enough... you asked for change, WHAMO. Change you got. I am presented a wonderful opportunity to once again shift my life.

I am at said crossroads. It will be interesting to see who appears or reappears to help me, because that will be part of my next transition. As capable and as strong a woman I am, its going to take a village for me to accomplish this one gracefully.

Send me loving thoughts of strength, tenacity and support. xo

let go

While growing up, I never realized that men like to make women feel like they are important. I never realized they wanted to feel as connected as we do. Mostly what I got from men was a physical connection the transfered as emotional.

I love the men in my life, because they are who they are, physical before mental.. AND in my mind right now, there is only one man that keeps me wanting to see more. I hope he knows I see how sad he is. I let go. baby, you are amazing just the way you are.

so cliche, and so true. my mind wont change on that.. like, EVER. 

Magic Castle

Off Highland and Franklin is an establishment called "The Magic Castle". I was invited to go by a good FRIEND that really has shared some amazing experiences with me in southern California   I looked forward to it for 2 weeks, went, totally had a great time. Made me want to try to do magic tricks, in a way. Seriously, I think I could totally do card tricks! But I am a dreamer.

The reason I am writing this is I want to learn from this experience. This night reminded me that magic is everywhere. We are all magicians. Some of us get do it professionally. How fucking lucky are these people? What's MY magic trick? Where do I shine that causes others to notice me and help me feel satisfied? There is an answer I have been fighting for years, because I don't realize my full potential. I haven't had substantial experience in self actualization. My talents are sensual, and so taboo in this puritanical society. I can't sell out, like ever. I have created a rocky path.

Its time for me to take into account my healing, psychic, mother earth abilities that will bring me affirmation and cash flow. Sadly ALL I have ever wanted to do is be a DJ. I am a music JUNKIE! I have the music and the lyrics in me. I think my purple cow moment will be GRANDMA radio~ not your average every day rebel, just a sagging bitch with intelligence and an attitude!

How magical is that!!!!!!

A day to think

I have a day off, and I drove to LA to spend time with a friend. Today everything just sank into place, which allowed me time to be uncomplicated and have some linear thought. I don't get that kind of time very often. I live alone with my offspring, the mini me, the artist in the making, a spontaneous combustion of superior intelligence that wears me like a coat! I am such a sucker for that kid. Currently,  we are in counseling to discuss our issues but we seem to keep stepping the same steps. I hope that Katrina and Martha can help is define a middle ground, which isn't happening easily between us. Family relationships are the deepest you have in your life in regards to effecting your thinking process and emotional reactions. This one is going to work, as they all do, I want it to make us better people in the long run. I hope I can do it.

Its so interesting to see his mind develop. So often, he does something that reminds me of how i was as a child. Or even now, as I have remanded a childlike attitude most of my life, much to the dismay of anyone that has to deal with me on a personal level. I tend to be outspoken, self absorbed, misguided by naivety, and outright foot stompin obstinate. And I wonder why I have a child that is that way!

I am appreciated and loved, as is my son. He has a way to go ahead of him and I hope that I can be a suitable teacher. If i can't, I hope that I can find surrogates that fit his personality and allow him an easier path along the landmine that is life experience.

Today I have had time to think. I have thought about my son and my own desires of where I want my life to go. I want a studio, for my creative manifestation. I hear music in my head, and i see pictures i have been drawing for months. My son needs to see mommy in her element. I hope I am offered that opportunity to let him sit in the passenger seat, and be my copilot in yet another adventure for the Mitchell family of two.

love to my friends and family see me for who I am, and love me anyway!!!!

My friend teaches me

In my dream last night there was rain and an uphill climb with work, and a good friend.

This morning I woke up feeling recharged and focused, and a thought immediately popped into my head. Maybe its not me, Maybe someone is keeping their distance to protect me from getting hurt.

I don't understand humans, but I try. This thought came to be very clearly. I know its truth.

Something

So many days, i ponder what is my life for? I know that is a question we all seek answers to. I am not where near the answer.

Where has this road lead me? I was around people the other night and felt all alone. I am tired of feeling that way.

Sometimes things aren't what they seem, and you may not understand them for a very long time. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem. Those are the easy things.

Even IF

Even if you never ever love me, even if you never care, even if you never accept our connection, I get to love you without limitations. Im not going to live in a world that wont respond to my affections, but I am happy to see you for who you are and LOVE you for that. Men will want me. i am too precious to be alone, or waiting for you to SEE me. I love you. I wont stop.

ONE day, in this beautifully miserable life i have chosen, I will see him. the other side of me, that feels what I do, and he will see me. He wont let me go. And I wont let his beauty go to waste either.

Its so odd that I am such an old soul, and still I havent found someone that is as strong as me.

Parent - Teacher

So, last night we had our parent - teacher conference. These are ALWAYS great for me, for many many reasons. I will make a bullet list in this regards, but first I am going to say that my gratitude to the universe knows NO bounds in regards to my son's school. Each day I thank whomever brought us here, and pointed me to that place. Its been a sanctuary for my child and for me. Its making him into a self assured, honest, caring, gentle, directed and intelligent man.

The process starts with the teacher bringing out a goal sheet, AND a self assessment sheet that the child has filled out. So it proceeds with a discussion of the strengths and weaknesses the child sees. The entire conversation is prepared to support the child in understanding where he is doing GREAT and where he can use improvement based on his OWN vision and not that an adults perception. What a concept huh?

This year Austin has a male teacher, and it is GREAT for him to see this man as a role model. What he is learning from bryan is to be focused and true to himself. Bryan is a gentle giant, in the sense of he is an individual that is clear and patient with his own boundaries, and gives honest, positive, and supporting advice. He isn't the only teacher to be that way, that is why his school is so special. That type of support comes from each person on campus. Its honest, caring and consistent. The way they address each other is with respect and regard. There isn't insincere compliments or humiliation or shame.

Sigh, what i wouldn't give for every child to have that kind of upbringing. Its amazing to see the difference in Austin that from other public school educated kids his age. He respects adults and talks to them with ease. He is inquisitive and unafraid of asking questions (part of that comes from me forcing him to seek answers from others).

Anyway, I'm tired of writing for now.. More on this topic in the future. I just wanted to acknowledge the growth of my part of the world.

Feed Me

This holiday season, I have been insatiably hungry! But food doesn't seem to be feeding that hunger.  The reason I say that is because I keep putting food into the gullet, and still feel unsatisfied. What is pushing that desire? That longing to be filled? I know one is a physical relationship with someone, but deeper than that a longing is haunting me.

Something spiritual is brewing up desire south of my equator. I have had sessions with a great therapist which has lead me to some answers. I know that I have spent many years beating myself up, and I need to focus on finding a middle ground between hating myself and being too egotistical in caring about myself.

Focus is the key word. Issues with my stomach and intestines are from my inability to remain stable progressive growth, spiritually. What keeps coming up is creativity, art and writing. I will write every day, and attempt to make one sketch every day. I will look for an apartment/studio where I can educate my son to find his own voice through his creativity.

Focus, redefine, focus, redefine, focus, fine tune... focus! Life is change. thats GOOD news.

You know, one word

No matter what, i always smile when i think of you! i can see your face when I see your words. yea. thats a lucky break for me.

I don't care who thinks I'm a sappy so and so, bite me. I'd rather be happy than a pain in the ass to everyone around me. Its more advantageous and gathers more abundance to me.

Yea. I am going to find a studio space this time around, instead of living in a house. My son and I can make art and music the rest of our lives, with out judgement or control from anyone else. Just creativity.

Wanna join in? We need a third party!

I need help!

You know these days its all I can do to keep hanging on to the end of this rope. There is a better life waiting. I am not sure how much I can accomplish physically, but the task is at hand to move out and move on to the next home. I know we need it, I want a fresh start in a lot of areas in my life.

Universe, send me warm bodies to help me lift and store my belongings and settle into an updated, and positive life. Send my love to the ones that can feel me.

I was reminded.

I never thought someone like you existed either love... But here we are. Running faster and farther away, wont make it any less so. Im not your typical female, and you aren't a typical male. Stop fucking that beauty up with your brain, and let your heart sink back into your body. Lets love and move forward together or away from each other.

Analyzing, trivializing  pontificating and procrastination any situation will not rearrange the chemistry or the physics. It will delay, maybe even lifetimes, the inevitable collision of said atoms.

Relearn yourself love, be patient with what IS, let go of the illusion of how you think things should be. It hasn't served you yet, and will continue to NOT serve you.

I don't have any agenda other than caring what happens to you in all capacities. Find your smile crazy clown. The balance is out of whack, get back on track!

Moving along

I love life. I do, I really do... It seems the year 2012 for me really was the end. The end of a lot of things, one more which is headed my way RIGHT now... a move.

Every move I have made in MY life has lead me to something GREATER than the place before. I know this is meant to be and will exalt me to my next level. I just wish I wasn't always having to do these things alone. I could use an extra set of hands and lips around just to take the sting out of harsher moments. Not to mention help me with the heavy lifting.

Bring it on universe... You have me down now, might as well keep on kicking, because I'm NOT giving in. no matter how much blood is spewing out of my arssenal.

Giggle Bunny

My comedian status is intact. My son and i were driving home from school/work, and he said to me "Mom!!!! say something funny again. You're so funny!" a great reminder that levity is a relief and I am GREAT at levity!

giggle bunny checking out. xo

Art

Art is pretty damn cool if you ask me. In all its forms. Even BAD art is cool! It shows that people are thinking!!!!! Creating, going outside the boundaries to find a purpose and a commitment to their passions.

Today I was looking at a simple drawing, a cartoon and the question came to me that haunts me in my artist shoes. Why am I so hesitant about illustration? I think that illustration is probably the highest visible form of 2 dimensional art... When you look at a quick cartoon pencil or pen drawing, its amazing how the simple lines make forms, and yet I am baffled or resistant when it comes to putting these lines on paper. I have battled this for 2 years and am behind on a book I OWE a friend. Time to put THAT right, how ever I can, which might include art therapy!

You know, for me,  hesitation creates a vacuum  If I allow that dark side its space, I spend the majority of my valuable time (in regards to a project) trying to fight the power of a black hole. I get stuck just trying to get out of it instead of moving forward and just doing it.

Art, its whats always kept me from complete depression and it seems I have spawned an artistic child. BONUS! Training a young artist will be super cool, IF he can listen and trust my guidance. Kids and parents, is rebellion of nature. Kid says, "I can't possibly be like you because you are flawed!" Parent says, "If only I had listened to my parents."

sigh. Life = cyclical. Art = growth. Meditation = necessary. Freedom = choice. More ART please!

So far

My friend said to me yesterday, Youre kinda ballsy. I laughed and reminded her things needed to get done, and I wasn't going to hold on waiting for some idiot to tell me what the right thing to do was. I like to get things done, so I do them. She smiled and agreed. I just base this temperament on a life that has had many battles, and I proudly honor many scars.

I have traveled thousands of miles, survived pleasant or unpleasant consequences and trials of human nature. Each step makes me a stronger individual, more resilient in nature, more abundant in character and more accepting of the things I can not change. Learning that allowing myself to be WHO I am means allowing more of others to be who they are. Thats not an accepting thats an allowing, and understanding that I don't have to accept who they are, I can allow them to be, and I can be me, choosing to NOT keep them in my life.

What still astonishes me is the point where people have a rare occurrence of allowing connection to people that are in your destiny for so many reasons, and they choose willingly to avoid that connection. Friends, extended family, lovers, strangers, no matter the relationship, even a casual meeting with eye contact is a connection. I just speak of choosing in a moment of time and opportunity, when you realize there is a spark, why not just act upon it. Choose to follow the physics of your being, and allow that magnetism to recharge you and lead you.

Dont use "experience" or "history" or exterior facts that have NOTHING to do with your experience to hinder what is so obviously something created beyond your base humanity, and ego. I am that person who wanders, some say like a fool, following a guidance that is based on trusting my inner voice. Naive, yes. Rich? always. Dangerous? never.

Who are you and who do you want to be? Dont keep telling yourself a lie. Wake up and be the truth. Shake the history, cast off the leeches, scoff at naysayers, and keep on singing your song, banging your drum, painting your canvas, writing your version, and know that NO one is going to really steal anything from you. If anything they have given you a tremendous gift. The gift of becoming even more you than you were before. And being a better person for realizing you dont have to hate or regret. You can learn and grow.

Gratitude in the face of betrayal or deception of those you love is the hardest of all these lessons. I know this one very very well. Still, I refuse to let that shit become my shit. I may not know all that I want, I do know what I have and I do know it always gets better.

Surfing, swimming, paddling, treading water, floating, coming back to shore to dance again with someone that chooses to accept and grow in their lives by being connected in a real sense, without fear, judgement or hypocrisy. Its not happened always that its the best thing, but it is the right thing. So far.

Jellies

Okay, putting them out on the table again with my buddy Amanda! Gonna see where this takes us this year. She does a doorstep dinner program, and I hope these will become a part of her "service".

Residual income RULES! and tasty residual income? Well, is just, TASTY!

Persecution

How many nights have you woken up in a cold sweat from a persecution/torture dream? Today was one for me. 

Dreams last night were of the oriental torture in the woods nature, people shot at close range, women and children hacked up while still alive, the final feel of freedom as you escape only to be overtook and slowly killed. Awful. And even though I know it only lasted for a few seconds, in dream time it was half an hour while this story unfolded of a man and woman that were being persecuted because someone falsely betrayed them. They were a part of a larger group bur this"story" was centered around them.No more details because seriously it was like watching a horror film. I woke up from a DEAD sleep, and feel like lead, half dead, terrified and thankful all at once. 

These nights are the ones that are some kind of residual which clearly is trying to get my attention. So I guess I am grateful that I am living in a fairly free of persecution existence.  And maybe being single isn't all that bad, for now. 

Your Role in the Circus

I don't know why this popped into my head. I was thinking of a friend and thought to myself, he is just a psycho circus clown! (I've known a few of those in my life). Then I thought, well missy, if you're gonna label someone, whats your role?

Yea. Psycho Circus clown. Law of attraction! LOL

Creepy Spiders

In this dream I was at the house of a friend, I have been having lots of dreams of new friends lately, its cool actually. This friend was a "psychic". We had been at a show or the movies and I had come back early because I got bored with it. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands, and when i reached for the sink, I went through what felt like a spider web. The spiders or whatever kind of bugs, because I never SAW the actual bugs, just black dots on the web like material, clung to me. As I struggled with them, they multiplied. The others came home and I asked them to help me remove the bugs, but no one else could see them, and they told me I was imagining things. It took me 3 different sinks/faucets to clear off these bugs. The spiders were biting me, but once they were gone, I looked down, and there weren't any marks on my skin.

Odd.. I remember wearing a red sweater with a white shirt underneath. So odd what you remember about your dreams. I really should type them out when I first wake up. There was a long talk with a psychic woman, seems we were to be sharing a house together. Cool!

I remember you

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart I'll stay there forever."

Winnie the Pooh.

Thanksgiving

Each time I approach an opportunity to help others I question why. Then I push through that because I know it doesn't matter how I am lead to what I need to do, I just need to DO it. All of our lives are spent in flux of where we are and where we want or need to be.

SUCH a great day. My extended family showed up AGAIN today to remind me and my son of our  rich fellowship in this town. I didn't know how to believe that until I experienced it again. A chance for me to give and allow anything to happen. So wonderful. Some people may not be able to really see me, but thats important too. I think I am a person that offers diversity and acceptance. It may be the only thing I am grateful to myself for. I know there is so much more I could do.

Today, I connected with a sailor, a stressed homeless mother of 3, a couple i have spent 3 events with, a mom from out of town that i LOVE!, my best buddies trying to navigate a HUGE event, chico, my pal DJ, so many new faces that deserved my respect. I hope they realize that they are doing the same for me when they take a minute to acknowledge me.

So thankful for that event and that day which means so much to so many. Onto Christmas!

The Bucket List

You know, as I have been fielding my trials and tribs this weird, weird astrologically, spiritually, and soulful journey that has been the last year of my wonderfully abundant existence, I have had reoccurring visions of things I haven't done  and reminded myself, oh wait! You aren't DEAD! woohoo! BONUS!

So, in light of said rediscovery, I have decided to create a bucket list... Some of these things are completely and utterly egotistical nonsense, ie: desires I may NEVER act upon, but mostly? This inspriation needs to be taken CARE of.

Melanie's BUCKET List:

1: Fishing trip to Alaska. I want to bait and hook and catch some large fishes, wearing fur lined clothing.

2. Venice: I want to wear a beautiful black and white costume at a Venice Italy costume party, then ride in a gondola and kiss the night away.

3. I want to do Formula Car racing. I have ALWAYS loved driving fast, in small cars... top speed watching the world as a blur. Heck I would take the Autoban with a Ferrari at this point, but I would love to hit a Formula race track... and feel that power under me while steering.

4. Have a partner that I can love unconditionally and know they felt the same about me.

5. PODCAST: I am the purveyor of new constitution. I am in tune, i see, I feel, I recognize, I don't judge. I appreciate. I'm doing a podcast.

6. Have one of my paintings hang in a museum.

7. Make a film. Completely visionary, no agenda, just beauty. The only message being joy.

8. Disneyland with my son. Riding rides, having a laugh, eating CRAP food, not worrying about what anything costs, and feeling the joy of just being happy in a totally unrealistic but enjoyable space.

9. Help my son understand his empathetic nature and how to nurture it to his highest good without prejudice.

10. I want to ride in a Hot Air Balloon. Maybe in Napa.

11. Be able to use my ankle normally again (this is going to take a miracle, but I am going to keep believing it can happen, cuz i am built to choose).

12. Have a home, with a washer and dryer, a yard, so we can have a dog, a cat, and a place to play basketball or baseball, or heck BBQ and sit outside.

13. Amsterdam at Christmastime!!!! right?

14. Slap someone that REALLY deserves to be told to STFU!... sigh. I know, anger management, and it wont help anything except to make ME feel better, but sheesh! its on the list.

15. I have never done the "flamming bag of poop". I'd like to see that!

16. Streak!!!!! i don't know where or when, but yea! my ugly naked body in protest running free.

17. Niagra Falls. haven't seen it.

18.  Create an entire album (CD/MP3's)  of MY sound, wishfully in my OWN studio, with my son and my friends.

19. Kiss someone I LOVE under a waterfall... Fiji? Hawaii? Mexico? I don't care. just tongues and waterfalls...

20. I want a sustainable Farm.. one that farms fish, so i know that they are heavy metal free. And I am contributing to a healthier planet through the real medicine of our lives, food.

21. Most of all, and this is SOOOO pollyana, but its my freaking list so deal! I want to help make the world a more peaceful place. As we reproduce exponentially, we stress our planet and ourselves. We deserve an oasis that isn't filled with panacea. THATS a dream, but anything can happen. 21 BLACK jack... isn't that appropriate? its odd more people don't associate physics or numerology to events or outcome. Moving ON~

22. Write a novel about why/how we choose life, and a childrens book about understanding and believing that you are who you are, no person can take that from you.

I once said to someone I know, we are an abandoned race of aliens clinging to a dying planet. I wish that wasn't so, but since I am part of the breed, lets make the best of it before the zombie apocalypse.

More to come.

Music

There are a few things that keep popping up in my dreams these last few weeks... Friends that love me for WHO I AM, and Music. Last night i was surrounded in my dreams by my musician friends and they were encouraging me to write and sing again.

With ALL the crapazoid that is happening in my life right now, including my entertaining but frustrating Ninja hamster (which really would make a GREAT song) I am feeling more and more grounded into me.

all happens for a reason, and fighting it with ego is a losing battle.

If

you had the chance to see me again, would you? Make the choices not using words but using actions? If i am that easily forgotten, or dismissed, that pretty much says it all...

running on empty... hopefully i wont get stranded in the desert. I need an oasis... 

Rain

Soothes my soul. Its sunny today so I am going to get out and do something. 

how different are you?

You know so many people label shit.. this is this way that is that way we are this way we are that way… fuck that shit. Nobody is anybody else. 

i have never been predictable. its not an intention, its static, and genetic,  My way is not an accepted  or lucrative path, but its just as real as the shit your trying to sell me… I spend everyday trying to believe that this earth isn’t a huge garbage dump. Cant we believe together? Or is that outside of the “definition”? DRAMA!!!!!!! lol.... so misinformed.

help your loved ones. help your friends. help me.  and ultimately? help yourself. all we are we are.. and everyday is a start of something beautiful. 

you have created a world where your desires are king, without question, and needing. lose the attachment love. or be more forthright.

judging me based on your limitations is counterproductive.

We are each other

maybe we arent each other, but i am rarely wrong about these type of things. No matter how much you complain or whine or bitch to your friends OR yourself, there is no denying our obviously well suited dichotomy.

You claim to be so uber intelligent, so with it and together, an advanced thinker. I believe in you. Your mind is a beautiful place i wish i could sit and absorb for a while. the one thing its missing is a window. its there you just forgot how to open it.

open it bb. and breathe.

HELP~

Sigh.... I need a solid internet connection to accomplish a job, and can't pay my bill so I can't get it done... Then I went to the closest WiFi, and their connection wouldn't let me access the website I needed... FRUSTRATION!

Help me big pile of money, Help me!

Humor

Everybody loves a good joke! Me especially... I have been thinking of starting a comedy routine myself, there is an open mic this week in "college town" and a friend suggested I take part. I am still a bit nervous about being on stage in front of people after all my years of living.

She and I also discussed a topic about what humor really is. She was telling me a tale about a stunt that Jimmy Kimmel pulled with kids and their parents regarding Halloween candy and video tape. I think that humor based on other peoples lives is totally WEAK! I get putting down some actions of stupidity by humans. But entertainment by making fun of people to their face to me is boring, base and basically hateful and rude.

We have become this society of idiots that think our "fellow man" is some kind of freakish cask we aren't a part of, and the ONLY people we can associate with are people like us. And then the "people like us" turn out to be the idiots we ourselves can be! Face it folks, we eat, we breathe we shit we wipe, we sleep we dream we wake and do it ALL over again. Making fun of yourself by using another human as a shield is a cowards game.

I don't have time for weak little cowards. GET SOME BALLS, I think we are all crazy! Some of us just hide it better than others. My life is a bulletin board, and I use dry erase markers to rewrite crazy EVERYDAY~ But I am not going to use other peoples experiences to make my jokes. Hell they are me, and I can't grow and move past the idiocy if i abhor or ignore what they are doing.

Righteous behaviour is fine and dandy if it serves a higher purpose. Being rude and hateful isn't a higher purpose... its a shit-house. I don't want to be queen of the shit-house...

Orca and eggs

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was everywhere. In the beginning of the dream, I was downtown in my home town, and talking to some tourists from France. We were close to a daycare facility where i had been visiting a friend. This couple had 3 children varying ages... Each small enough to hold in your arms though. The smallest one was crying and reaching for me the entire time, so i offered to hold it. This boy came into my arms and started giggling and laughing immediately. I asked them what they were going to do, and if it was ok if this child and i walked for a bit, Sure they said, and so we did. After walking about a half a block i turn around and see that the tourists are gone. I freaked out a little bit but the child was amazing so, I just continued to play and talk to this small child. I then returned to the daycare to leave the boy so his parents could find him, and they were there. They were completely unconcerned! I was baffled by this entire process of the parents reactions.

I was visiting friends last night at their house. They had just redone everything and it was near the ocean in Seattle. I was visiting with a lot of old friends and a few new ones. everyone was dressed beautifully as well. They had a beautiful spread of breakfast foods out. And on each table was a plate of over easy eggs with pepper. I kept thinking to myself i want some, but never quite got there... There was a lot of dialogue with others but i don't remember much of any one topic right now. I hate it when I forget details.

The house was right by the ocean, and once we were done feasting, everyone put on their suits and we went swimming. At the waters edge was a man swimming with an adolescent Orca, and some dolphins. This orca was frolicking around with him, but the man was trying to ride him and it was making the orca upset. The orca kept rolling over tossing him off. I said something to the man and he just frowned and rolled away. The orca swam to me to thank me, and we swam there peacefully while i stroked his skin... Amazing feeling. Then the orca took off to chase a shark away.

AFter I got out of the water, i had to go to the court house to do some kind of required testing. When i walked in to sit down there was this cop standing there "keeping the peace" and directing people. He was HUGE! and honestly out of the whole drem he was he only thing that looked like he stepped right out of a super hero comic book. I mentioned this to the official talking to everyone that was doing the testing. This man said to me, its all in your mind, he isn't that way. I finished my test with a woman and headed out the back door.

Outside the building was a HuGe playground of sand! A hill... at the bottom of the hill was another huge area of sand. There was no one in the area at that very moment and I thought I should go get my son, and play. Then people started showing up with buckets of colored sand, and making murals. My son showed up with his colored sand and started doing amazing artwork.

ok thats it.

Steppin Out

I met a very lovely, nutty but LOVELY, man on the internet. What little I know about him, I very much like. I see him on the website where we met but he isnt really chatting with me anymore.  I know he has a hectic life, so I try not to take it personally. Sometimes that is VERY difficult in this life. When you don't have any direct information, the mind swirls around like a "sandy" storm, creating all kinds of metaphors and mystic logic. I have decided instead of going there to say hi to him, and seeing this interaction going on with no word to me, I am going to step out of the online deal for a bit.

I am a bit gregarious as well, so that tends to shut others down, or make people walk away. That being said, I admit freely that I don't buy into social protocol. (as you have probably gathered after reading this mental diarrhea train!) This is my damn life, and if you don't like my forward manner, you can just go sit on the bench with the rest of the sheep. I don't have enough time to stop pursuing what it is I am after in this brief time I have left on this plane of existence  I ask direct questions because I am sick of people WASTING my time with white lies and timid behavior  I would never intentionally harm anyone in any way, or make your life more difficult, so don't do it to me by placing "manners and protocol" into my vocabulary. I am a wild but gentle soul with no desire to waste my energy on hate, or evil manipulative games. There are plenty of those wolves out there, or sharks if you prefer.

He is only one of three people I talk to there anyway. I miss our chats from our first interactions, but OH WELL!!!!! puttin on my tap shoes and gonna keep dancin.  Online dating can be super fun! But, it does lead to some residual frustrations. I am going to remove the tension, and just step back for a bit. You know where to find me if you are even looking, people that CARE about me. xoxoxoxo

unconditional love is all i have to give, so, if thats not something you want? get lost.

Abandonment

Everyone has issues in their personal lives that lead to deep dark scars. These scars appear when we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to people that we trust with our feelings. Its a BEAUTIFUL thing in so many ways. So freeing to be in that circular awareness balancing out with another and finding joy. And still, vulnerable to the sting of another persons conditions or emotions.

I don't know a lot of people that are as open and forthright as I am. I have spent years working on getting past the petty bullshit and facing my own issues. I am capable of having adult conversations with out judgement or fear. BUT when I put myself on the line, lay it all out, jump into his arms without inhibition, knowing thats what i want, no questions asked so why wait kind of abandonment, I do have one quirky expectation; that the other person is honest with me in return and meets me at the crossroads so to speak. ie: Interested? Cool, then say so! Not interested? Cool! don't waste my time. Need some time to figure it out? Cool! just ask for it! i got NO hate for the people I love. Its an odd concept I know, but be assured its still in practice. Words may misrepresent the level of integrity at some point but the action is always the same. Loyalty and devotion.

A recent episode of me allowing my pure feelings to be exposed has enlightened me to a curious detail of my personality. I think i may have an abandonment issue. This is unhealthy for me and whomever that I come in contact with. This could be a good indicator of why I am not moving forward in love. The lack of true communication beyond a certain point leaves me feeling restless and nervous.  A friend of mine conveyed to me that its typical behavior for a woman to want to feel reassured. In word and deed by a man she cares about who cares about her. My thought process is more along the lines of no one else is responsible for my security or piece of mind. Thats my job. I only have myself to count on and sometimes she isn't available for a sane conversation! So exploring any glitches in the mainframe is of the essence. This is one to tear down and rebuild for sure.

I am happy that something static and stationary is going to come into my life this week. That will help me focus and get past some serious personal issues I have to face this month.

I apologize if my issue has been upsetting to anyone, and grateful to the non-hypocritical humans in my life that understand I am human and forgive me for that. As I do their issues. All we have is forgiveness, levity and forward motion to keep us from killing one another! Lets laugh again, shall we?

Sandy

You know I am a fortunate woman. I have lived through many hurricanes without any real catastrophes. A friend of mine that does readings for me has property in NJ. Her basement has 4ft standing water in it and exterior wind damage. My prayers are with her.

I am sending out my gratitude and prayers for people that have had to deal with the damage and chaos of Sandy. Cleansing or no, good honest hard working people have hardships because of mother nature, and or changing weather trends... its no laughing matter.

I am blessed.

Check it.

I am a single mother living in Santa Barbara with no child support and currently NO job. That will change next week, as I interviewed and WOOHOO nailed it! Its not  much but I will be happy to be doing something again with some really nice people in a small non corporate office. I need the distraction. I often wonder while people are complaining to me about how they don't have time for a life, or they don't have time to talk or share or WHATEVER it is they don't have, how miserable they are, and think to myself that teachers voice in the Charlie Brown cartoons of our youth.. (blah blah blah blah blah)...

People I have a child! I don't even have time to wipe my ASS... and here i am pretty much smiling most of the time... WTF? Grow up and get the F*CK over yourselves... And that evil witch that is wishing me into oblivion so she can get what she wants? FY too... You're black magic is going to spell you right outta your hair! BALDEEE! but hey, some men like a bald taco... ok ok uncalled for, sigh... back to reality... CHECK.

I don't like thinking bad thoughts of anyone or anything, happens as a result of being so damn naive for so long and the water torture of realizing that if you are naive, you gotta get used to pain. And learn to feel the liars and thieves coming towards ya from 100 feet away and BOLT. So, for the closing, my "law of attraction" cohorts know, i must end this on a positive note. I am thankful of the experiences I have had because they have created a level of gratitude in me towards all people. The lessons I learn from them are invaluable. I wish for those people to move to their highest good. I draw to me a love that i can nurture and hold close to my heart. A relationship that will allow amazing loyalty and support that will be appreciated and utilized by both. A balance so my partner and I  will have what we want in abundance. (sexual innuendo intended!) giggle...

Hawaiian Prayer:
I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you.

Zen and now, a life in balance is the only life to be lived. Everyday is a struggle in-between and we choose where we stand in each moment. did you hear the teachers voice at the end of that second paragraph? lol... yea bb! my work is done here.

Ima Hamster

Cleaning out the hamster cage today, i had to remove Freddy and put him in the ball. The hamster BIT me... took a chunk out of my finger!!!! no pictures. OUCH.

Anyway, upon picking up my son austin, i told him this story. Then i said to him, "Do you think that I will turn into a hamster since he bit me? You know vampires bite people and they turn into vampires. What if i turn into a hamster?" He laughed. saying NO mom..

What I wouldn't give for a full on hamster suit to put on and wake him up in the morning dressed as a hamster!!!!! 

Yea baby.. Where is the nearest makeup artist when you need one!? lol...

Dreams

I often wonder when my friends appear in my dreams if they are calling to me or me to them. This has happened to me throughout my life. Last night my dreams brought you to me again. You were all messed up bb. You couldn't be consistent with anything. You were talking to me in a strange voice, and grabbing my hand asking me to lay down with you. You were smiling at me while you were holding my hand and you had given me a lei to wear around my neck.  You kept leading me from one car to the next through a huge yard full of old cars, trying to find "the right one" for us to go somewhere in... we never really got to one that you were happy with. We did end up sitting down and having a long talk. It was nice talking finally.

I think thats pretty telling of where you are. I woke up with an ache in my heart knowing you wont let me in or anyone else to help you. Please take care of you, my friend. Find that peace inside that will lead you out of the hole. I am always here with my hand outstretched in friendship to help, no matter what it is you need, with no anger, and no regrets. always xo

BioIdentical

I have awakened to the fact that I am not taking care of myself very well... I am heading into a new territory and looking to do some hormone therapy.

You know the nice thing about me? I am a hugely sexual person. I always have been, so menopause  hasn't slowed me down much. I say that like I have a lot of sex... sigh. Sadly I don't get any, but the desire and longing are huge in me. I can't sleep with just anyone, its far between lovers for me. I think thats some kind of "aristocratic code" I have going on in me, I have very particular reproduction pheromone attractions. If a man is stupid, I turn off, in all ways.

Ok back to hormone therapy. I have to get off the bitchy witch broomstick. I used to be this fun loving happy go lucky party all night lady with a never ending smile. She is still there inside, but she has been a bit tortured by the male gender and the lack of hormones.

Stress isn't helping me either. So, AGAIN i apologize to those that have been splattered with my particular hell... I am trying to get back on the path and retributions will be made. Thank you for your patience. I don't understand this thing either, but its got to change.

Hello Wiley protocol!!!!

Your Shit

Funny your statement (Everytime I get back, U leave me shit) made me LAUGH, (after i flipped you off...) I can't believe out of ALL the things I have said to you, thats what you focus on... I guess you want to use that as some kind of deflection. who knows... i would only be guessing as you say very little, and usually its the same three things over and over again.

And, as to me giving you shit? Dude, like you are a piece of CAKE? You are the dealer/instigator of huge piles of it yourself. You just call it something different. At least I apologize when i send shit your way. You act indignant and holier than thou thinking your shit don't stink. It seems to be a reflection of some kind of internal pain which i KNOW I didn't inflict upon you, and shouldn't have it spewed on me. Just like I shouldn't do that to you.

And to round out this lovely post, I dont know what it is but I can't hate you! Thats never happened to me before. Nothing but unconditional feelings do I have for you! freakish. I have to let it go, forgive myself for being human. So should you, wanker.

Yea I am nuts. So are you. Judgement of me isn't yours to give, anymore than its mine to give upon you, bb.

Telling

Parts of the human experience are telling. Experiences you have with other humans are formed from outside. If you are sensitive enough you can tune into the energy that flows over you created by these experiences. Some of us have that empathetic comprehension, others of us regale it as a hoax or misconception. Those people live in fear, and I have no more patience for them. 

Judgement is not mine, although I fight the opportunity to label people on a daily basis. I find as humans we walk along a path requesting answers of reality that isn't a reality. Placing answers from historical places on current situations. Its a comfortable way to speak, a pattern, a familiarity to keep the "big bad wolf" at bay, but its incongruous to forward movement. Creation is based on original thought, and even though evolution has brought us so far down a path, and given us so much intelligence, we need to let go of what we know to embrace pure creativity. 

A friend of mine, (well i think he is my friend, but at this point I am not sure) said to me after reading my blog that I was a "pollyanna" looking for love.. forlorn. That I should be writing stories about "lost love"... I think I am looking for love, because MY concept of love is what I think everyone's should be.  I will never defend my desire to hope for a world that believes in love to him again. I will remain silent and keep my telling to myself.

The world isn't cold or heartless, people are. I am going to find the ones that make me smile and tell me the truth. The rest of you I will have to love from afar. Im not going to play your game... i keep saying that, and at some point you will see that i mean it. 

YOU

are you.

I am me.

we are balanced, you will see.

don't hide sorrow or fear

don't deny what you feel or hear.

you make mc crazy

but hey... thats life.

i will never hate you. ever.

don't think i have said that to anyone else before.

you push people away. i am not just people.

but if i am just "people" to you

thats your loss.

what I know is

 when i think of you

I can't wait to kiss you again.

it doesn't end there.

being like children

and having fun

i will not play games

with my heart or yours

romance. its not a joke.

passion, its a force

freedom, its a choice

honesty, another choice

integrity, its a necessity

hypocrisy, don't feed the trolls

love... my heart sings

a song for someone

who wants to sing along?

Your voice

These days people don't find it significant to speak to someone on the phone. Our daily ritual of texting and instant messaging, and facebooking and twittering and instagramming, we have lost the "organic" touch of our lives. I think that its just easier to be an asshole online than in person. You don't have to answer directly to your assholishness.  Keeping your relationships online is a cowards copout. Most of you are just making excuses for why being pedantic is so fucking important. blah blah blah!

WE all have our quirks, neurosis and patterns. WE spend our time justifying personal worries and problems, making time to answer the questions that continue to feed our insecurity, instead of just saying "BULLOCKS, I am HUMAN accept me as I am. and if you don't like it? go live with the robots."

Today, Melanie says, F'that.. come on my pirate-mates... lets board ship and hit the ocean. Load up the barrels of rum, and provisions, and set sail. At least out there are real monsters living in deep waters, an open frontier that wont be filled with electronic static and stagnation. The power struggle for who is on top of the dead heap of humans will be behind us. Hell if i wasn't so afraid of my head exploding in space, I would saddle up with some rocket scientists and offer myself as a guinea pig to travel out ward to the edges of the universe.  Well that and my son couldn't go with me, and that would suck.

Ok my little tirade is over and I will continue to accept the slow drip of the agonizing death of boredom!!! lol...Time to start writing scripts for short films... and actually filming them. That might help me fight off the tedium of waiting on a decent consistant sex life, and a good conversation that doesn't include corruption, politics, pessimism, or POO! (yea... little boys are fascinated with poo and farts)

Where are you my creative mate? NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to hear our voice in my ear... speaking of where life can take us instead of where we shouldn't be or why where we are isn't good enough. Reality is reality, and all the words  in the world wont change it, but you don't have to sit in shit and talk about it, you could just keep walking forward and call it a spa treatment. RIGHT?

giggle...

Fractals

I have a curious interest in fractals. I am interested in creating some for myself. I need the software to help me generate them.

any suggestions? Keep your eyes peeled for fractals from me.

ON the Edge

Its amazing to me how often in this life I have found myself on the edge of things. Close to losing it all. I am certain that most of it is from my conscious choices to remain stubborn and true to self. Interesting things manifest when you get to the edge. New opportunities that you hadn't before been approached with. Things always work OUT!

I am thankful for the ability to further gain experience surfing these waves of uncertainty. This time around I feel more comfortable with them than I ever have. Just allowing the warm waves to flow over and through me, waiting to arrive again at the shore of stability with a deeper faith of what is happening right now is ALWAYS the right thing, no matter how shitty it may seem at the time.

I do know one thing, I am tired of doing this alone. I do love my son and he is a comfort to me in so many ways, but its not the same as having a partner. Physical needs are very important in my world.

So one step closer, trust the universe, seize opportunity, don't misread the signs, forget the spells, don't doubt myself, laugh at negativity, sleep well, eat right, wait for the man who respects me and sees me as his other, and don't settle.

November

One year ago this November I met a man that I thought was going to be a significant part of my life.  Significant in me learning something new about love, that I could believe in love, trust myself  and learn to relax in the arms of a man again. The kind of chemistry you don't find everyday, a connection that you can feel in a deep vibrational way. We spoke infrequently and made jokes, laughed, often saying the same thing at the same time. Sadly, he let his ego and lack of integrity get in the way of any long lasting friendship with me, even as he reappeared over time, it never gained footing.  No big loss, just another page in the book.

No matter how rational you are or astute or intelligent or experienced, when there is chemistry there is chemistry. Its a base element of humanity, physics as you will. I tend to believe more in the environmental science of a connection than its psychological base. This attitude lends me to be super loyal despite societal judgement or adversity. I see connection as a magnetic force guided by the molecules of our beings. We aren't afforded the choice of WHY something happens, its meant to. And fighting it only pushes it off till a later date, so deal with it now! Denial ain't a river in Egypt. (I hate that phrase, but it sure fits sometimes).

Courage people. its what life requires. And I don't mean evil menacing bitch level aggression, I mean standing in front of the tsunami again and again, KNOWING you could possibly lose an arm or a leg, and facing it. Not blaming anyone else for the choices you make. Not thinking you are going to lose by losing. Not letting the little shit bemuse your forward movement. Not thinking because you don't have what they do, you are less than they are. Not blaming others for your mistakes. Looking in the mirror and saying another DAMN fine day to be a human, and mean it.

November, you are the one year reminder, an anniversary, a refresher course in knowing that life changes everyday and possibilities are always around me. A simple premise. The knowledge that if someone else can't acknowledge connection doesn't mean it isn't there. It means that you trust yourself. You are capable of allowing that wisdom to draw you a bigger circle of hope, and attract closer to you a more purposeful being.

Be yourself, give life to connections, lose the fear of the things not working, and stop praying in the temple of WHAT if doomsville... That preacher gave his disciples grape kool-aid, You can do better!!!

The world is still revolving and last years love didn't last!!! Quit your stalling and get back on the horse to joy-ville... "Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death". lol...

Parenting

yea. word! Its EXHAUSTING!!!!!  The kid and I have been having power struggles for weeks now, especially over computer time and homework.

I think part of that is just being a lone adult against the powerhouse of the offspring, knowing full well we are head over heels in love with the little monsters. They definitely have an advantage. I remain calm and don't engage in arguments up to a point, then its OH NO, you didn't just go there, and I let myself get in over my head. 

I seriously should have taken a lot more into consideration before doing this alone. Now I am here and dealing with it. I don't have regret so much as I am feeling run down and barreled over more than not. 

Dealing with a 9 year old that acts like he is 4 is totally exhausting... Time for discipline and strict boundaries. I think the only way peace is going to remain consistent, is to have consistent patterns. 

I can DO this! thankfully he is intelligent, witty, snuggly and very creative. Takes the edge off most of the time. 

Balance

I saw this image this morning and it totally reminded me of a balance I see with another person. Thats my perception of things. I feel him even when he is not there. But Im good like that! 

I don't know what he sees, his inability to be honest hinders our friendship. Oh well, carry on. could be beautiful but you want to struggle and we have both had enough of that. I cant and wont help you with more struggle. I will give you a helping hand in all other areas. 

dark warrior. 

i don't have time

Im smart, wise, beautiful and decent (and a little bit crazy for shure). I truly care but i can be a bitch when pushed to the wall.

time to pick up my bitch stick and knock somebody off my path. goodbye colorado!

psydekick

I don't know why some people are intuitive and others are not. All my life I have been able to feel things or see things that come from others around me, picked up on energies and emotions without  having to think at all. I described it once to a questioning skeptic saying its like looking at a picture on a wall. You can see what is happening and thats that, no more no less. Its like being in an art gallery, you wander amongst people and you can see images that come from their energies, like paintings on a wall. Since moving to california, this ability has moved towards having more acute physical reactions and clearer visions. Maybe its the energy of where I live, I couldn't explain why, it just is.

Recently, I met someone that I felt connected to in a deeper sense than most. The last two days, visions have come into my mind or should I say that my body has had physical reactions to something he is giving off. I don't know why this shit happens, but I do know he isn't aware of me knowing any of this. And I don't really mind either way. Life is an organic mess of energies melding together and moving about between the sweat and balls. It will be curious to see what stories come from the next few months of life, and of the visions I have seen, which of them will be dismissed by free will, and which roads will be allowed to manifest, by free will.

I do know others outward disrespect of me will cut their waste out of my life, especially those that underestimate me, take advantage of me or judge me as weak or stupid because I am kind, generous and forgiving. My intuition isn't always right on in the areas of love, and that may be a protective element of human nature. I don't do vindictive. The world has enough dark energy on its own without me adding to the pile. Anyway, the person of whom I speak is kind, generous and forgiving despite his prickly exterior. He does have a bad habit of putting me on a "list" and secularizing me. I don't take it personally, he has a lot to think about. And not even sure I am on the range of thought. But I can sure pick up on him, and assume he is capable of doing the same of me.

And if he isn't? thats his loss, and mine. Will not be the first or the last time... sigh. I don't do fake well at all, even though I was a decent actress. bleh.  Peace earthlings.

Pebbles

She lays the pebbles in a row
down the path she wants him go

colored gems, concrete stones
energies that give off a glow

soundless vibrations reach his ear
placed with intent easy to hear

take your mind out of the way
sit down to breathe and stay

forget what you know about where you are
to remind yourself your sitting on a star

what a gas... baby...

love

i wish for your happiness
i breathe through your smile
i know your forgiveness
i see life through our eyes

i play to my part
too true for mere words
i stay high in this tree
conversing with birds

while i wait for your heart
to know what it wants
and fly to me here
not caring who haunts

our future is uncertain
but our bodies are meant
to be in a union
unkept and well spent

i remember your skin
i remember your smell
i wander alone to find
the one that will

remember my skin
and the touch of my eyes
the smile of my scent
the reasons to sigh

along with this lady
a laugh in her heart
whose body is yearning
for a warm taste of you

chrysalis

You know, there is a place for us all in this world. Mine seems to be in helping others find a bridge to the next permanent plateau, good or bad. The visions I have in my head about myself when i meditate are of a woman that holds a chrysalis, and releases a butterfly. Almost like a landing pad. I am the bridge, the segue, the conduit by which so many people find their next level. I am very very comfortable with that, and LOVE my work. I miss those friends when they move on, but life is how it should be on a daily basis.

Most people reading this will say, how self centered is she? Bite me. I hate all of you. Collectively. I do this because its my destination, my designation, my inspiration. The opinion you take of me has nothing to do with who I am. AND its validity rests in your own environmental education, and whatever dysfunction lies there.

writing

My friend Andrew that lives in South Africa is now a web designer, but previously was a college professor teaching writing and literature. He assures me that my writing is good, but i need to develop it more. Practice makes perfect.

So, hence forth, my challenge is to find topics that I can research and thoroughly define via my exploration with eloquence. 

LIke no more bad poetry. well, maybe SOME bad poetry, but there will be symphony mixed in to elevate the status of this stream of conciseness blog. 

stay tuned! 

Faith

I am writing a blog entry that is a bit of a challenge for me, which actually is awesome, so stay tuned. Todays thought was where is MY faith? AND why am I torturing others just because of some bad choices I made?

As I get older, I find it difficult somedays to have faith. Difficult to believe in people and their word. I find myself grasping for air lately due to my circumstances, and I am sick of that bleeding out onto the other people in my life.

Thank you to my friends that have listened to be whine and complain. Thanks to the universe for whatever lesson in boundaries I have learned here. Thanks to my son for making me laugh. Thanks to a reawakened gratitude for the abundance I have had in my life. And thanks for me finding my way back to generosity and community.

Whats that song, Have a Little Faith in Me? Yea. thank you John Haitt.

Pickin and Grinnin

Tonight while reading a book to my son, I look over and he is picking his nose, trying to cover it with the sheet... I say "DUDE!!!! Stop picking your nose." Then I turn away.

I continue reading then glance back at him out of the side of my eye and he is trying to drop it on the floor by the bed. I said "DUDE OMG I just vacuumed and mopped that! Here is a kleenex. ALWAYS put your boogies in the kleenex so we can toss them."

"ok mom"

I continue reading then look over again and he has his finger in his mouth.. I was like "DUDE!!!! you just had that finger up your nose!"

He says, "nu uh.. I use THIS finger (right index) for picking and this finger (left index) for digging in my mouth. Oh man, that didn't sound right!"

well there's a relief right? ha. we LAUGHED so hard at that...

The Second or Third Worst Day

So when I was in Art School, yea the fart institute of Houston, I had one of those days where you felt like you were falling off a cliff and you never land. Today was right after that one. But I digress. Let's face this again together, shall we? OOO goody. It all started on a cold rainy day in Texas.

On the way home from school, driving my beloved Super-beetle, during one of those amazing thunderstorms in downtown Houston. Driving, blinding rain. The windshield wipers were barely capable of keeping up with the deluge. Five o'clock traffic was heavy but moving at a good speed. I wormed my way into the inner lane of southbound I45. For any of you that haven't been to Texas, or Houston that's a "four laner"(maybe five?).  Im clipping along at an impressive pace, and I hear a BAM. Then that sinking feeling, literally, as the back left tire goes... FRACKENDOODLE... Me, a 24 year old girl starts hearing cars honk and seeing them swerve, skidding on the saturated pavement, trying to avoid collision from the sudden drop in speed in the fast lane. I think I gotta get out of here before I get crushed!

My brain kicks in! OH I know, BLINKER! I strike the wand, the start looking over my right shoulder just knowing they could see me, say aw poor thing, and let me over. Naivety was huge at that time and hasn't dimmed much since. I grab my girl balls and move to the right shoulder over 5 lanes of traffic in the flooding rains. It was kind of like playing dodge ball. Ironically in an orange bug! I get to the right, with a relieving vision of the overpass bridge ahead. Thinking to myself, that's one shot rim on the same side as all this traffic going by. I have NO wrench in the car, but do have a spare. There were NO cell phones at this time in history. I was destined to trudge up the hill to the closest gas station... because I wasn't sitting in that car "hoping" for help.. SEE? naive.

I carry my purse, like an idiot, head up the hill, and make it to the top. Thankfully there wasn't any mud. I head down the road in search of the gas station. A desolate street with abandoned looking shot up houses. A lone young white girl walking through what appeared to be a really bad section of town. I was walking quick, trying to hide the fact that I was an idiot that was carrying a purse, a truck load of men, who didn't speak English, drove by shouting loving terms to me, I just know it. I picked up the pace even more, and as I was looking ahead not down, my foot fell into a gas meter hole up to my knee. I fall forward into the mud. The pain was pretty harsh, but I don't shed a tear. Signs of weakness make you prey in survival town. I jump up and practically sprint, hobbling towards the glowing shell in the sky ahead of me. I finally find the supposed "sanctuary", 5 men are watching this pathetic young creature approaching.  One of them was actually in the truck that went by. I tell the story of my sweet little bug muffin stuck on the side of the road with a flat and no wrench. The response? "No habla inglese". OMG. My high school years of spanish had landed in the meter hole. I repeat in english what I had said, then i said "Telephone?" They got that... I called my mom. Told her the story... that's when I cried. They couldn't even tell me the address, so I had to go find that myself, come back to the phone to tell her. She was on her way. I sat down at the gas station, composing myself. The guys must have felt sorry for me because at that point, a man who spoke English comes up and says, "what happened?" I almost kissed him.

We get into his van to try and get back to the bug and fix all problems hopefully before mom leaves. We head out on the freeway looking for the car, because I don't remember where it is at this point. These poor guys. We didn't go too far and saw it on the right side. We crisscrossed across the downtown freeway pretzel to get on the right road north to rescue the maiden. Sigh of relief. Hope is in sight! We park behind it... I go up to the door to open up the car, put the key in, turn it... it breaks off into the lock of the door. I turn around to the large hispanic man who speaks english, he is looking at me, says "You gotta spare?"Really? and if I did would it be ON me? Sadly, NO. They all roll their eyes at me. We all get back in the van and head back to the station.

They laughed, I sighed, and about an hour later my mom showed up. She and I spoke to the guys about solutions. I don't even remember what we decided to do, because we were going to need a locksmith, a new rim, and a tire. At this point I couldn't even think. We got into the car to head back home. Once those doors were shut, and we drove away, I started crying. Probably didn't stop for about half an hour.  Thankful to be alive, feeling like an idiot, grateful for once to my mother.

And you know what? Today? Yea almost as bad. The difference between then and now, is that I am a victim of a different set of choices. I will tell that story once its ending appears. All I can say is if I had anger issues? I might have been arrested today for what I would have done to another human being's things, or their person. Because they deserved it.  Didn't. Won't. Accepted after going out to find some truths and walking quite a bit. And finally laughed. This story isn't over yet. And I am going to lay down the law now. Its a good lesson for me in boundaries. No one else is walking on me like that again and trying to shame me. I can do this with a mostly rational mind.

I have evil thoughts of retaliation. OOO another story! stay tuned. AND be thankful.

SHYSTA~

OK... Count down to ecstacy!!! Sigh.. i am awake at 4 am, because at 2 am I had a nightmare that someone was breaking into my apartment. I picked up some HEAVY paranoid vibes (that sounds so californian, eh what?) Sure enough the room mate was wandering around opening drawers, making noise, in the bathroom like 3 times in 30 mins..

Sigh.. THIS has been going on since Nov 2011. I asked her to move out in May 2012. WE had to go to court for removal of her person from my property (remember Pacific Heights? not that bad for sure) So, NOT ONLY has she skipped out on utilities the entire time she has lived here, this is her 2nd month of FREE rent.

I will wish her well as she is escorted from the building. OH yea. PARTY AT MY HOUSE! gonna burn some stuff, dance around doing rituals, toss the holy water, and make a general ruckus. Oh and when you do come? I take all donations of candles and some nag champa... Its needed.

TIME for the return of peace to casa de mellainaise!!!! its ALL good. mwah

Intelligence

People are always amazed when they find out I am actually intelligent. Its like, wow you really know how to use your mind. Today someone that I have worked with for over a year now said to me, WOW, you're actually really smart. Giggle.

Well DUH freaks! Why would I want you to figure that out so quickly about me? Then it be WORK WORK WORK.... sigh. And who needs more of that?

HI HO!!!!! Hi HO!!!!! its off to work we go...

I hate games

I hate people that try to play games with your head. Seriously... I have had enough of you messing with my mind. There's enough turmoil up there as it is. So when you keep asking me to play and I refuse? Its not because I don't care about you (or people in general), I'm just NOT gonna play your game. NOT... keep asking, answers gonna be the same.

You know what continues to AMUSE and AMAZE me about adults, is that 80 percent of them are terrified of saying the whole truth. I  have my moments where I remain silent, but if you ask me? The truth is coming out when it does come out.  I got nothing to hide... not a lot to be ashamed of. I let go of regret a while ago. Done my penance for the crimes. Although sometimes when I rush into any situation, I do find that I'm the one that ends up losing, because I WANT to believe in peoples word. But then again, thats because people want you to "play their game". Peasants.

BLEH-key BLECKS... fuck all... i'm gonna go be a pirate.

Inspired

there are a lot of things in life that inspire me. i am so fortunate. despite all the shit life has thrown at me, i see  beauty, in every moment, every gesture, every breath. i am so grateful for that.

i looked at the man in my bed today, which is my son, and i thought, what did i do to deserve this? i wish for him.

i hope someday a man finds us that realizes what a benefit our little family could make to his happiness. we are awesome. someone is missing out.

what i learned today

the last time i felt alive was when i was with you. when i hugged you goodbye, i think i knew it would be the last time i would see you. i hope i am wrong... every minute of everyday.

the last time i felt worthy was when my son laughed with me during sushi last night. he reminds me of what life really is.

the last time i realized i had talent was when i painted leaves today, even though i was rejected immediately.

the last time i felt romance was listening to a song on my ipod. and the last song i heard reminds me of randolph. its his sound.

the last time i felt like wanting to stay alive was this minute. i hope that lasts. if i keep listening to music, then I will.

no one ever knows how things will evolve... i used to pride myself on riding the waves. now, i pride myself on staying alive.

Scambots

You know, I am a decent person. Generous, happy go lucky, benefit of the doubt, easy to laugh or make a joke. Not bad on the eyes. Sure I have some deep seated issues, but i haven't met ONE person on the planet that doesn't.

Now to the point. So, you talk to people online, you learn who seems to be more trustworthy than others. You learn that there are people that CAN and WILL attempt to take advantage of you. I got hit up by one of them recently.

This man who attempts to make friends with me, seems ok! Lives close not too far from me, nice enough guy, normal looking in the pictures, etc. we become friends. Thats it, just chatting about work, kids and ex's... typical stuff. Tells me that he wants to commission a painting from me for his mother, I was a bit skeptical about that since he had not seen my work but just let it slide and didn't discuss it past the point of, you send me the money, then I will paint it for you.

Sure enough a couple of weeks later, maybe 3, he tries to get me to open a bank account so that he can PAY me... and send money to his mom.. (funny that he appears right now online as I am typing this). Thats when I said, WHAT? Dude, do you think I am stupid or something? Hell I wouldn't barely do that for my best friend much less a stranger. Then it becomes a cat and mouse game... when can you? I am not going to. He: I will send you money to open it. Me: I am not going to. He: how much for a deposit and it has to be THIS bank? Me: (handing him some mental floss and a Qtip) Dude, just because I dye my hair blonde doesn't MEAN i can't smell a scam! I am NOT GOING TO.

Now i have to block him, hide from him etc. People have so much potential to be GREAT but they inevitably end up greedy and self absorbed.

Bleh. I have to work on my gratitude for whatever lesson  I was to learn from that hunk a dory douchebag.

its too bad too. he is someones dad!

there

One day I woke up and there you were. Sitting on the side of the bed looking at me, watching me sleep. It was beautiful.

then I realized i was dreaming. 

Information

You know there are people in this world that will use information in their own way to manipulate things however they want to.

I have someone trying to get me to launder money for them. Sheesh. I swear that sucker tattoo on my forehead sure is hard to remove!!!!

bleh. bring me a trustworthy mate that cherishes laughter and integrity. bless you baby CHEEZITS!!!!

Dinner

Tonight I went to a friends house for dinner, or should I say a couple's house! They were recently married... I love that part of my extended family! Something always makes me feel comfy there. They are a group of holistic people that love to eat, talk and change things around them in good positive ways. I find that comforting.

I am the odd ball. the squawker. I tend to act out, be the clown... They kind of roll their eyes at me, but hey... Everyone has their role in a community, mine is to make things a bit off beat. If we all saw things the same, the world would quickly go to ruin, in my opinion. 

I don't feel at home most places, and I have learned to be very comfortable with that, but every once in a while, I feel at home. Anthony and Drea are my extended family. Its good for me.

Come see us at the Annual OSK Thanksgiving dinner this year! I will be an "ambassador". Guess I better get this body into shape!!! woohoo!