Why should i care?

Today,  I must have hit a truth, and got slapped in the face for caring.

What I realized is that I don't want to date men that act less mature than my son. Why should I be made to feel bad about CARING about someone? Other peoples judgement of me means less than nothing. This persons reaction to me has caused me to really question if he has ever told me the truth, and is someone trying to convince himself I am something i am NOT.

I have no idea whats going on, but i don't trust him now. He can have his little secrets that aren't really secrets because I am connected to him by some freakish insight/intuition that creates visions and physical actions in my body. I sure as fuck didn't ask for it, didn't go looking for it, thought it was cool at first. Whether you believe in it or not, it happens to me. This is only the third or fourth person in my life. I feel like I am part of a bigger picture that HE is showing me but not letting himself be involved in, because he has control issues.

Im so lucky to have this ability, sometimes people can acknowledge connections and we become good friends. He has always tried to remain in touch, but it feels now like a "duty" instead of a desire.  I hate feeling isolated, berated and belittled for what I know to be true. I hope that someday I find the one that can take the ride with me instead of pushing me off the platform.

A shield...

The last exchange with you will likely be my last for a good while. No matter how much I love you, and how fun it is to spar with you, the arrogance and disrespect you have been showering me with lately is more childish than my young sons behavior! Its damaging my feelings for you as a friend.

No matter, I know what love is and I love you. I hope we can remain friends and you find your way back to a more respectful dialogue with me. Arrogance is no mans badge of honor, its a cowards shield. xo

family vacation

Because its TIME...

off to wine country to be the "designated driver". Its time to stop saturating my liver with poison. 

Woohoo! come join me, melanie, cruise director... 

WEEKEND!

i so have a weekend off. I sent a message to someone I would just like to see face to face again! hell i don't CARE what we do, or if he even has a new girlfriend, i just feel connected and want some time saying HI! with my physical body being close to that.

Im a sweet, uber intelligent, decent booby gal. Why do men push me away? sackodashious. i wish i knew some brave men. honestly. they never understand brave women though.

Im not like the women who hurt you, so keep that experience on a shelf. and learn a new one. one you always knew was possible. im here bb.

Awaken and shaken

Yea. one of those dreams. Had to do a check in asap, as i was terrified for this person.

hoping all is well. inside and out. xo bb

What

So. like 20 times a day I hear that word from every kid i talk to in this town... What? What? What? As if when I told them the truth they would hear me.

Look chitlins, stop asking and start looking around. I can't wait to rattle some kiddies cages! Making people think is the only reason I exist. I see it everyday.

Now, how do i make money doing THAT?

Oasis - Roll With It

happy

I need to get happy! However that is. I really want to get back to my smile and contentment in at least part of my life.

Money bogs me down, and lack of it suffocates me. Is there a happy medium? I work, and I do that for money, but I also enjoy what I am doing most of the time! I have some new avenues I want to follow there, and waiting on some funds to carry it out.

Believing is the first step. I need more adult friends. for sure.

Your Hands

From the first time I saw them, I really loved them. Your hands.  Damn that sounds stupid... but its what I think.

Last night in a dream you came to me and handed me a small seeded plant, it looked like a palm tree. I could tell it was you from your hands. thanks bb, for the brief visit... miss you and your hands.

I think when I am in my car

So today I kinda figured out that at one point, you really were kind and open with me, and it was so refreshing to actually see someone on my same mental wavelength i could talk to!   I know who you are inside, you have shown me in my dreams, and you still do. Past that time we shared time, you became distant, reclusive and combative. I don't mind absorbing your harsh, bb. Patience is one of my strongest virtues, especially with wounded people. At some point though, your capability to damage every relationship you have will over come ours as well.

Forgiveness is a virtue and a necessity, you have forgiven my stupidity time and again. I return in kind, although your education in the world exceeds mine, i have never been an idiot. You have to deal with me on an emotional level. Its just my empathic, psychic nature. i don't play games, i say what i mean. forthright and immediate. I see the world in that way. I hate makeup, masks, games, posers and fakes. YOu aren't any of those. I want nothing more from you than for you to smile as much as possible and be at peace and safe and find your true fun, no matter where it is. I never asked you for anything other than communication. I am so grateful for that spit of time when you thought i was worth it.

i don't connect to many people in this life in a deeply spiritual sense. i am as intuitive as they come, but this is different. when you decide to honor our deeper connection, we will be friends. until then? i will send my love, and you will be sarcastic and ridicule me for it. You'll never be able to stop me from who I am meant to be bb. I admire you full-stop. NO questions. Im deep, and so are you .... GET the fuck OVER it already.

good luck NIGZ...

Just so you know

When it tells me "YOU gave me love"...  I keep the notice so i can live in the moment of fantasy. I smile and smile and smile.

thank you for that sweet bb... you are awesome.

Intriguing

You know, christianity is based on a martyrs life. I think its courageous and all to sacrifice for your cause, have passion and conviction, but I don't think that "gods" plan includes suffering. That being said, I am kinda naive, in some ways, and totally optimistic. Its the light I was given to shine and use to bring people together in peace, mostly in small ways.

I can honestly say, that I don't have a solid belief there is a one "god". I have researched this in my own way since being a small girl dragged to sunday school. I love the idea of church, but i see its limitations and restrictions. I love the book, but its conditional and limiting. How can we move forward with new ideas and a redemptive future by living in the past and old ideas?

Who the hell is with me!!!?????

Ponderation

During the last year, my son and I have had many downs and ups. It has been interesting to notice reactions across the board.

Something I heard in a "TEDtalks" video yesterday really struck me.  Not the concept, but the way the man stated his views. People are deep seated in their judgements about why people are poor, in jail, on the streets, down trodden, etc. and trying to fight that is like trying to fight the ocean.

You never know until you are in the situation yourself HOW or WHY people are where they are. Remind yourself of that when you hear the voice of "blanket generalization" laying its trip on your perception and taking you down the judgement trail. Putting people in a category based on your opinion is ignorant, fearful and presumptuous. You don't know what their story is anymore than they know yours. 

And that doesn't make me angry so much as, it saddens me that we still live in fear of anything we don't understand. Some more than others. ;)

one line

I am bemused, confused, amazed and bewitched by you, bb.

Common Sense MW

When you allow yourself to be dictated by OTHERS actions

YOU are no longer yourself, You have become them.

Helping a friend, a bread and butter endeavor

Helping an enemy, an invested alliance

Helping yourself, your only defense

Remain true to you, my love

Even if I am hateful & angry

You will always be one of my heroes

I'll never abandon you. 

Werdz to some weird guy I know.

I was born into a nonjudgemental frame. I have become an environmental junkie. My mastery is the moment, my test is patience, and my reward is peace. There is no finding that doesn't fit. The puzzle was predestined on a card table that is bigger than my vision can allow. YOU found ME. I didn't ask for this and honestly? I would run if i thought that would assist my future. 


I don't know what you expect us all to give up or want something from you. I guess I do want something from you. Not in a sense you have ever known. I want to know you are ok. inside. I want to know you aren't afraid or alone. I want to know you have peace and can heal your life. I want you to know no matter what you choose, I'm going to give you that support. 

I wont deny that sometimes I will be angry or hurt. I wont be quiet or afraid when that happens, I will stomp and shout LOUD. I wish you could see how important that is. 

I think maybe someday you will. I hope its not too late... thats not bragging. I don't care about all that. 

how to diffuse a bomb

Just give her chocolate, a compliment and possibly an orgasm. Hormones might be in short supply.