Again

This dream of you. I am glad you showed up! More please.

Communication

I had a dream about you. You were standing next to me in a rain coat, not sure WHAT you had on underneath, but you were mumbling... something under your breath while you looked at me with wondering eyes. You want to tell me something, but you are afraid to do it. Or you are so nervous you are unsure what to say when you are around me. I woke up in confusion of how to help you get past that. I also realized then you have to want to.

I asked the universe today how we are going to get past this. How are we going to talk to each other. This card showed up.


Peacefully and lovingly. Wonderful.

Four Leaf Clovers

Night before last I dreamt of you. You couldn't figure out what to say to me... You stumbled and mumbled all the while looking at me... turning in circles, asking for patience. You have it.

Last night I dreamt of four leaf clovers. Succulent abundant everywhere I looked, four leaf clovers. That was only part of the dream.

Every night the dreams I have are vivid symbolism of what is to come. I vow to spend a few mins in the morning to write them down.

Hello world, we will all benefit from our singular good fortunes! Let your light shine.

Passion

Hello! Where have you been hiding?

I could use you to come out and play these next 10 years or more. I would love to be inspired again. About anything.

BRING IT!

Guts

Last night the strangest feeling came over me... I felt like my insides were being electrified. Some kind of twisted feeling, that was being thinly contained by my skin and bones. I was on fire, and couldn't escape.

I thought about you again. You appeared in my dreams for a second time, and I am not sure where that fits. I can't see you for all the reeds and mirrors you throw up to deflect feelings.

I feel your stress, I feel your emotions. Please don't run mad into the night and forget why you are here. Who is there for you. Why do we all have fire in our hearts that make us reach for disaster? Are we willing to be burnt over and over again?

I don't play dirty, I don't chase. I wont lie. These complexities make me beautiful. A shiny fish woman in the ocean hiding in her own shadows, having been chased there by the demons in my head. How can I wiggle out of these invisible tethers in order to become the best me? And do you require some kind of bait? or do you see the real me?

This isn't meant for me, my strengths are being tapped. Bring me your love and joy. Bring me your fierce strength and know this mermaid has a heart worth winning. You just have to get past the scars from this lifetimes shark bites. I have ointment to soothe yours as well.

Keep on chasing down that rainbow
You'll never know what you might find
Over the sunset on the horizon
Maybe you dream but it tastes like poison
I'm gonna take that tiger outside for a ride
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!

Someday you might find your hero
Some say you might lose your mind
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!
What a life!

Christmas Set up

Christmas mood is a bit of a downer this winter. I am going to Texas to see my family and that will be wonderful, but in my heart I want to be home in Santa Barbara with my Organic Soup Kitchen family. I have worked all year for this event, and wont be here to enjoy it! But you all can,

Please sign up to enjoy an event, the 3rd Annual Organic Soup Kitchen Dinner and bring me along with you in spirit.

Happy Holidays my loving and gracious comrades.

Day 21

Well, here we are. Started fiber. Not working yet... i expect great things today though! giggle. I am doing well on the eating. I have to say that chocolate is my BIGGEST nemesis. I must take that demon by the throat and tame it soon.

I have been doing my morning tonics... Now to beef up on the leafy greens, juices and extra water. Something I realized, I hold my stress in my intestines. Must get some "louise" magic going on that area of the body.

Today? A morning meeting a new friend, finishing up volunteer spot designations, template for my website, texting a friend in need, taking a nap, and a possible christmas card for my friends and family. Then the boys chores!!!!

I love you and I me, and there is a lot of me to go around. Lets support each other in becoming the best we can be for ourselves and others.

DreamTime

I had a WILDly strange dream last night. In part of the dream there was a store/retail establishment called Sharing dreams (or something like that, sharing time, etc). You go in and they have couches where you spend time with your pets. You dress up in costume and then you have "quality time". The bottom floor had costumes, accessories and pets you could RENT!

oh and my ex was there. not J, Don.

Day 22

The countdown continues!!!!

Today I woke up and cooked myself (and others) eggs in coconut oil, with avocado and fresh tomatoes on the side. Apple slices too. Then off to work at the school. I was bad and didn't do my tonic (wrist slap) and drank 3 cups of coffee! Tomorrow I will be better.

Then after working at the school this morning a meeting with a truly wonderful woman who is helping me with my desire to get this body healthy and functioning without as many internal aches. I have had an ache in a specific area of my body for a few years, not realizing what the cause was. We discovered it. I hope I can choose my health over that pesky desire to eat chocolate and sugar! Daily choice of not putting poisons in my body.

What will I find at the end of this road? A refreshed version of me. I hope my mind really enjoys all this work. I know that my body is going to be muy thankful!

Snubbing old age, eating well, continuing my mind work, daily body toning and Yoga. A retreat is in my future... oh yea! Day 22? I LOVE YA!

Day 23

Well day 24, I cleaned out the garage, got rid of some furniture, and basically did a few domestic chores.

Day 23 is upon us! I am awake after not a lot of sleep last night. Cleaned out the  hamster cage, heading to Costco for some dish soap and an insane amount of toilet paper! Then, dropping off some donations to Goodwill, listing a few more things on Craigslist, and a Christmas card the boy and I are going to work on. YOGA. Tonight I might need a sitter. Any takers?

all my friends, I wish you well on this glorious california day. xo

25 Days of Me!

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my "Let it Go" yoga classes in the am. I LOVE my yoga teacher. Its not a traditional class, its a stretch and relax yoga class. I am the kind of girl that has a tendency towards high energy, higher thinking, always gearing up on how to most efficiently accomplish the next task to be completed. I need this class every day, in other words. How come I can't solely focus on myself? What is it I am avoiding!? Why can't I stay in the now? Hence, breath into the "me". Find the "me" lotus. Today, during my "Happy Baby Pose", I had an epiphany. The 25 days of Me... oh yea.

A couple of days ago, a wonderful lady friend of mine did an hour session with me talking about what my nutritional, exercise, body goals are. We set some short term parameters in order to get the structure set up.  I am on a mission to relearn myself. Look in the mirror and smile. Enjoy the moment to moment existence that a lot of others on this planet seem to have a grip on.

I start with exercise, and emotional eating. I have five days planned out, Tues and Thursday for sure. My goal is the next 25 days with a class each day, or doing yoga at home. Today? Yoga at home with the kiddo. Oh yea! Will help to have him on board with some exercise too.

Day #1: Let it Go Yoga with Jan... complete
Day #2: Yoga at home with son... pending pick up.
Day #3: Yoga at home, go to the Y.

keep ya posted.

Analysis #59 (and counting)

I have been doing self help work for a while now. Years in fact. I still fall into some of the old patterns from time to time. Like feeling sorry for myself, which is never a good use of my energy. Its basically just an excuse to not have to accomplish anything and laze about eating bad food!!!!

Today a reminder hit my email thanks to a stranger I was hoping to become friends with. It was that rejection based on assumption that really opened my eyes. This process is basically the way I treat myself. When I make my food choices, exercise choices, friend choices, I tend to be single sighted and feed those individually instead of visualizing the whole picture. This body is a tool for me to use in order to accomplish the things I want to accomplish! I must treat it with a greater amount of respect.  Today is that day to begin fresh and start anew.

All of me, why not take all of me???? :whistle:

Thanks

I had a wonderful day yesterday serving food, working with beautiful people, and loving life. I hope you all had days full of smiles and memories.

Thanks for everyday I am here and able to do what I love.

I choose

This morning I woke up in a bit of a downer, because I had such a wonderfully free day yesterday, and now awake, back in the throws of real life. But one minute in time can change your entire perspective.

I was sitting sipping my coffee leftover from my drive home, looking at some tarot cards I pulled on Monday regarding a situation, and the phone rang. A volunteer that is LOST!!! I had the same issue the first time I went to help out at the Organic Soup Kitchen. I had a very pleasant conversation with her, and got her back on the road to food prep land. So grateful to have the reminder of what a wonderful time I am going to have this week; amazing people, amazing abundance and amazing results. And I get to share this with my son. Oh yea!!!

Reminder to self: I choose. I have the power to choose the things that affect me or don't. Allowing and accepting are the only real choices to maintain my true happiness within. I have been given so much abundance, I am grateful that it always comes to me and I can share that with others.

Now if I invited you to join me, would you like to spend some time with me and some other special people getting to know each other in community and joy? I am going to reach out and try.

My body

Looking at a picture of me from 4 years ago, I was appalled!!!! I was HUGE. I am glad that i have turned this around, but wow. eye opener! I had good friends around me that loved me, so it wasn't much of a concern that I wouldn't be loved as a big woman. Interesting at the time I didn't feel ugly, just uncomfortable.

Growing up my body didn't require ANY working out to stay slim. I was hugely active and no matter what I ate, I burnt it off. I mean don't get me wrong, I am built very very curvy, I just didn't have any excess fat. As I hit my 30s and drank more, that changed. I didn't move as much and the calories from the sugar hit me. I wasnt huge, but I started getting self doubt and getting bigger. Then full on pregnancy and a break down in my ankle, I gained a lot of weight. I was huge!

Realizing something had to change, I had an ankle operation. I couldnt lose weight not being able to utilize that ankle. It is amazing to be pain free after 10 years of everyday swelling in my ankle!!! GRATITUDE! The surgery took a while to heal, and I couldn't walk during that time. (more weight) Then I could and didn't want to, self esteem issues and a boyfriend that just wasn't right for me. After that break up, I knew, it was time to rethink my life.

My next step was gastric bypass surgery, and that lead to a weight loss of over 100 lbs (i have about 30 more to go for my ideal weight). My body can MOVE!!! I am looking and feeling sexier than I have in years. The girl woman I see in the mirror is a bit foreign to me seeing as she disappeared around the age of 32. During this process I have re-learned a lot about myself and  learning new things. Especially about my intimate encounters, personal relationships are going to be fun and exciting for me now. Its about TIME! I may seem a bit naive, silly and youthful in a lot of ways, but there is a depth of maturity and wisdom. and Just simple warning: never underestimate a Pisces. Pisces are supremely mellow, but will lash out when they feel attacked. 

So, look for me on the streets. I am the giggling lady with the new look in her eyes. Maybe its for you, if you look deep enough to find it, dear fish.

An old Post

This post (Rene Magritte - The lovers) from 2007 gets the MOST hits on my blog when the search comes up. And there is such a truth to this image.

In art school, I did a copy of this painting because the image is so impactive for me, I wanted to try it myself. A couple of years later a boyfriend of mine took a knife to it and shreaded it in front of me. I have learned a lot about myself and men over the years. Abuse was only part of it. Joy was the most of it. Truth can be the most elusive element. Taking moments to know each other is a requirement most men have no patience for.


Moving on to a different comment about Magritte's amazing image. As far as I am concerned, don't worry about hiding who you are from me. I take life as it is, all your faults and secrets are as beautiful as your strengths in my eyes, friends. The more honest the more attractive. Let it out! Once you do, most of it fades away and the sparkly bits gather more light. Just sayin.

Jellies

Ok its official. Mellies Jelly's are being sold for the first time tomorrow. Its going to be at a small boutique in Goleta CA, so basically its a market testground for me. Get the opions of my product via the public.

I blame Anthony Carroccio for the inspiration. I am hoping if all goes well, 20% of the profits will go to his "non-profit" organization, The Organic Soup Kitchen. I have been working with him since April and thoroughly enjoy my work.

I have only about 6 or 7 different products. I will keep you informed after the show! Wish me luck. xo


UPDATE: Nailed it!!! The A game was in town and i sold almost everything I took there. Yes. well proven fact. I .. CAN... CooK!!!!!

Short Fuse

For a long time, I had a VERY short fuse fueled by my intolerance to all sorts of things. I realize that anger isn't my friend. Forgive me if I stomp off sometimes out of frustration. Its just that most of this life bores me to tears, and I have a difficult time finding a happy medium in some moments.

I am truly a very happy person, I just don't hold much in and it can cause a few fire spurts here and there. Then I am back to mellow charming smiling positive me! Maybe I am lacking something... like a three letter word that ends in X. yea.

Scattered

i don't understand what my brain does with certain information! i feel like there is a space in my head that always needs filling with something, and if its empty my mind makes up stuff to put in there, filling the void! scary... just damn scary.

I figured it out!!!! If I let go, and let all the air out of those tires on that vehicle, I just say what I feel, then it works out, and leaves my brain. And I am back on track. If you get notes from me that are honest and forthright, I am grateful for your attention and your responses, negative or positive. Don't hold back. Do you really want to spend your life in regret by not saying what is in your heart because of what someone else might think????  They are going to think what they want to anyway no matter WHAT you say. BE FREE!!!! Be kind. Be loving... Be honest. And do it along with me.

call me

You know you want to! LOL. your voice is ringing in my head, and I would love to hear it again... and again.

Full Moon

 

Stop making waves in my soul!!!

Wait

Didn't I say wait a min??? i think that means wait a min! game over. :-(

11 - 11 - 11 V Day

A moment of gratitude today for those that chose to make our freedom their priority. Wishing you all peace.

HA!

Hello men friends. Remember that communication is a two way street. Neither of us is omnipotent. If you don't ask the questions, you only get a one way ticket to your own "fairytale" land.

Another quote from facebook I will post here:
 "Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a retard in tin foil."



Today, I am going to write a Dear John letter. Literally!!!

Kissing

Smoochin' with you was a dream come true. Lovely. The only drawback to that activity is the depth of realization to how lonely I am. A painful longing for honest company and true companionship.

On the up side, being with you for now, its gonna have a huge reward. Like we get to kiss whenever we want. cheers!

Honesty

Some people really have issues with coming right out and saying whats on their mind. They do a little dance around and around trying to keep you from seeing what their truths are. I found myself with that issue the other day after a "first date". I finally relaxed into saying what was on my mind by saying to myself, How much time are you going to waste on this?

Can't you see how much energy you waste by not just saying, hey! here's what I am thinking, and even though it might cause some kind of disturbance in the force, lets move on and get to the next point and take it from there when it comes about. 

Cuz peeps? We are adults, or most of us are. Right? I will love ya anyway! promise.

hope

you know, we could sell it... but its FREE!!!! keep on keepin on baby. Life is GOOD.

Sleepin Bears

Ah. sleeping bears sleeping.

Magicians

Last nights dream had me and a friend giving a magic show. We were making MAGIC! and it was well received.

Love that one!

Driving and Parking.

I had the most MARVELOUSLY spooky dream yesterday. I was driving up a parking structure, with a car full of people, and we got close to the top climbing the up ramp. When we got closer to the top, the ramp turned to a mushy/fleshlike substance. You ran to help us. You were standing by a pillar, and when you pushed to hard on it, it broke, and made the sound of breaking bones. It seemed to me like you finally broke through to an awakening, or something new. Then, you and I continued to work together to get our car up to the top of the parking garage.

I wonder what it all means.

Expectations are killers.

People, expectations are just little signs that get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Own it. In the meantime stop putting your signs in my lawn. My personal belief is that expectations always let you down. I want a full experience with people that are willing to withstand the time it takes to understand one another, give things a second chance, and capable of understanding that expectations inhibit reality! Now reasonable expectations are good, but... some people go to the extreme. I had a few these last couple of months and the shot me in the foot.

Expectations be DAMNED!!! Here comes that ship. Its not exactly what I wanted, but hell its a trip I am going on! no matter how short.

Bon Voyage! for now.

AH... humor. HA!

ok ok. can you tell my frame of mind lately!? I think I need one of those. (giggle)

Wow

I don't know. I just don't know. One min I thought, this is the answer. The next min I realized I might not be ready! The next minute I was ready to cry.

This is not easy. And I can't keep my mind still. Wanting to hear what really is happening.My mind traveling to a point of saying, do I turn men off THAT bad??  Knowing that I have to keep my mind on me. Listening to my heart and body talking in conflicted dialogue.

steady on girl, steady on. be patient.

SuperCallafragalisticEXPEE!!!

So this morning, my cornerstone of creative monumental discovery and wisdom gave me a shout. W.D. started a challenge with me, and the INSTANT she did, I had a huge influx of ideas. I swear, that woman often saves the day for me while she does it for herself and I benefit, and doesn't even realize she is doing it. Its amazing to me how CONNECTED she and I are in so many ways. I have found that with very, very few people. That ability to be there for and with those connections is the reason I get out of bed each day. TRIP out. You know the INSTANT you see that person and/or connect with them. The energy they draw out of you and breath into you just floors all other relationships.

Wow, how lucky am I!!! Ok P.C. lose the gloom, get out of that room and into the surf. Ride it cowboy!

Coal

My question today: Am I learning patience or intolerance?

You know, I might have said things that confused you or you misinterpreted. My heart tells me you are the kind of person I can say anything too. If nothing else, that's who I want you to be. I feel you from across the miles, sitting still, watching, waiting, making decisions based on a severe lack of evidence. A few minutes of time and space in my presence would calm and soothe you dear, you just have to reach for this cool, translucent, multifaceted diamond. Stop snubbing it and trying to turn it back into a lump of coal. You don't have to add it to your collection, just let it be what it is! This is not a coincidence by any means.

Life is a road with many directions. You often take the one less traveled. How can this joyful occurrence be any different? I am a simple woman. I see things as they are, and I often smile because I can. Even coal can shine, but why be coal when you can be a diamond?

Reflect.

Snuggly Bear

Hey Snuggly Bear, i was thinking. Maybe we could pack the tent, the sleeping bag, and a few essentials in the car and hit a campsite. Are you up for that? Cranky Mama Bear needs some time out in the wilderness to relax. Give me a call, and lets hit the road. xo

You tried that didn't you?

Maybe I am a total prude (um, not likely btw) but, today's lil gem of a conversation set me thinking about the adults I encounter in this world.

Meet for coffee with someone, against a parameter I set up for myself. We enjoyed intellectual conversation up to that point, so I thought it would be nice. ha. It wasn't bad just odd. Part of our conversation leads to him stating a question about friends with bennies. I verbalized my take on it. He states he met a woman online whose husband wants her to have something on the side, because he does. AND his question was, what do you think of that!? I asked, are you going to do it? He was undecided and non committal to an answer about it.

Sigh. Really? I have evolved this far in my life, and experienced all that I have and this is the class of people I get to meet with? I laughed and told him the truth as I know it. That in my little part of the universe, when I am in a relationship, I respect the person I share my body with or their body with me. I don't see that sharing it with more than one person at a time is beneficial to any sort of relationship, including the one you have with yourself.

Breakfast over! I get a nice note via text saying, we don't fit. You aren't willing to sleep around and include me in that group, plus you have a kid, which doesn't fit my plan especially if you aren't going to sleep with me... My boss says to me this morning, You are not going on anymore dates unless I meet them first, and make sure they are worthy of you.

Sweet, but unnecessary. Today's lesson? Stick to your guns. Forgive yourself when you set yourself up for failure, and know that this is an obstacle course, and you aren't the obstacle. Second dates are possible, but not with this fella! I have been "DISMISSED". (whew).

What I learned

the only person that really matters here is me. the only person i can count on is me. I must make sure this beautiful woman keeps herself comforted and calm. I will keep my candle lit for you. In the meantime, i am going to get limber, learn a few new dance steps, create my own realm of wealth and fence off the field of frogs I am forced to cross in order to find you. And dude that stood me up? GONER McGonerson... that was your last chance. and you had a FEW.

yo PRINCE. you better be spectacular in word and action, cuz this deed is likely to wear me out.. i will be happy to see you and there is a set of soft lips that will be waiting to reward you in all the right ways... and the wrong ones! :giggle:

before

Before all the sh*t went down today, even the bad yoga class, I saw your face clear as day, smiling at me! a beautiful, welcoming happy come hither smile. TY for that.

Why

Dude, REALLY? Stop trying to sell me your sob story. YOU are responsible for dumping me. YOU are responsible for choosing that flake over me. YOU are responsible for the SUCKAGE in your life. YOU have created that ditch you are crying in. I gave and gave waiting for you to see how you sabotage life, then you cut out. Stop calling me asking me for FAVORS... sheesh!

Me? I am smiling finally after dredging out all the hate and burning it away. I realize that I am going to choose more wisely, and stay out of your convoluted chaos. I don't feel sorry for you anymore. in fact, I am not sure I feel sorry for anyone anymore. We all have choices. I have lived through quite a few BAD ones. Now? Present me with better ones, oh universe of abundance.

A few honest words...

I'm a Gatherer

This Script song has been stuck in my head since I heard it on Thursday. Its way poppy, cheesy, and corny. The reverb set on this mans voice, the soft simple harmonies that fit underneath, and the words that repeat soothe me in a "message fits here" spot. Some days those types of melodies keep your feet walking forward. I will never forget the first set of tunes that got my feet walking with purpose, Mr. Elton John, with his album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Subsequently, I went through a progression of piano players, as the sound of a piano sings to my soul like a rain storm. Music awakens me to thoughts and visions directing me to transcribe events into words with a creative necessity.

In our lives we follow the series of events and are masters of destiny in a precarious way. Control is just a plank we stand on over an infinity of opportunities. Don't be afraid of that singular stance that keeps us tethered. Isn't it beautiful to see the balloons floating by, all the various colors that present themselves? We reach to collect them into bunches so we can hold on to their splendor for a moment longer and absorb all they offer. We are forced to let go when they start to deflate, in order to keep our balance. No worries my dears, another balloon soars by in an instant.

Fear of losing is just a fear. Fear of "not obtaining" is just a fear. Fear is a cage you can choose to live in your whole life. You are the only key-master of that illusion. I am so grateful to have been the oldest of my siblings. I realized at an early age destiny wasn't based on the ideals of others. Its based on the ability to maintain a balance of what is right and select a balance of those rights to maintain my freedom. The bravest of us stand on our planks abandoning fear,  one hand reaching for balloons while the other is letting go. I have found music gives our gathering rhythm. The words allow familiar descriptions which comfort and soothe us. Jump or sway, soar or dip, waltz or pogo, its your dance. Find a song that fits your life today. Tomorrow another balloon will soar by and offer you a different perspective.

Your own talents will send balloons into others gathering and give someone else a glimpse of your perspective.  This fish LOVES her ability to swim amongst all of you, gathering your balloons as they soar by. Hope you grab some of mine too.

FU & Gonna Get...

Gonna Get Over You, is my son's fav song. Mine is that Cee Lo Green song FU. TY SARAH!!!



"Goodbye, Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I?
Layin' down the law that I live by, Though maybe next time

I've got a thick tongue, Brimming with the words that go unsung
Simmer then the burn for a someone, the wrong one

And I tell myself to let the story end, My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My why not me? philosophy began, And I say

Ooh, how I'm gonna get over you? Ill be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay Ill be alright, just not tonight, Someday

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me, Keep me when I'm hurting and make me,
Hang from your hands Well, no more, I wont beg to buy a shot at your back door
If I make it at the thought of you, what for? Its not me anymore

And I'm not the girl that I intend to be, I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you but just for me, And I say"

Connection

No matter how far I get from it, its weighted on my mind. Each day, I let it go into light and love, and yet you return. I walk out and seek the others, and yet you return. Come and sit by my side and lets discuss this thing. It doesn't even have to move anywhere, I just want it out of my head so I can sleep. 

Life doesn't offer us that many chances for this kind of lightening to strike. Don't let pride or misconceived understanding be your guide. Walk out there and test it for yourself. Be brave.

The games people play

I have had a long life of games with men. I have been verbally abused and physically assaulted by my partners. I have also been emotionally abandoned by my partners. I understand that in life we make our choices to how we are treated, and in observing my history, it breaks my heart that I felt so low for so long. I have allowed my low self esteem to keep me deep in self pity and anger. It kept me in abusive relationships because I didn't believe I deserved any better. Now, I realize those truths and I can't go back there. Please don't make me.

I am up a few branches and can see the road a bit more clearly. I see now that I am done with games. I am done with useless words and hidden agendas. I cherish honesty, I cherish connection. If you can't step in the light with me, then I will leave you behind. That isn't a personal attack, its avoiding wasting anymore time on people that want to keep living in the same ole shaite. Living the same pattern over and over again creates illness in mind and body, and keeps the blame outside of self. As you know, there are no coincidences in life. If you choose to keep your hands over your eyes, then your playground will never change and you will continue to have self absorbed people using you.

That being said, if your choices are as such, enjoy the games! I am sure the costumes and conversations will be sparkly!!!! You know, in a cheap taped together Disneyland wanna be sorta way. I am seeking guru's of truth, who speak to me with words of kindness, connection, and whole hearted sharing, nothing held back, bringing to both of us all the glory this universe has in store!! You could come along with me, if you have the guts to ride the big waves. If not? I pray your choices will satisfy you. My heart wishes you love, light and peace in all your endeavors.