Memsahib

I have vivid dreams.

I have a son.

I moved to California from Texas to save my life.

I love animals, they don’t live with me.

I love men, they don’t love me.

I have friends and they make me smile.

I wish I took better pictures and had time to paint.

I love to have long conversations with people and see the light come into their eyes when they speak of their loves and life.

I feel judgment is selfish and self centered.

I won't hate.

I realize every moment in life is a choice I make.

I like that picture even though I don't want that kind of life.

Unconditional Love?

Love. Is it really unconditional? So far as I can tell... no, nyet, nada. its not. I really have given up. Done. Kaputz.

I need someone,
a person to talk to,
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid your sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, they do it all the time


I am so tempted to walk away quickly towards a more lucrative pastime. Art. Painting. Writing a novel about Johnny. Maybe I should just go shopping for rechargeable AA batteries for my B.O.F. He can't help carry out the trash. He isn't a very good kisser and can't keep me warm at night. But he never gives me an ultimatum or uses the "authoritarian" approach to get my attention. (Nor does he make me promises and fall short on his word. he can't speak. another plus.)

The burdens of my life and existing are MINE alone. But at least I can do it MY way!!!! (maybe I should move to Europe).



okay this is sarcasm people... I maybe a cold b*tch, but I am not that cold. I am at the end of the patience with this love thing. I am better off without.

Down at the Crossroads.

Challenge on. I would love to be this lonely guy for a day.

As I pull up into the parking lot of The Crossroads, I almost hit this tall blonde babe and her friend walking towards the door. She gives me that oblivious to the world, go to hell look gorgeous women seem to have down to an art. As she turns around, I noticed her thong under those jeans. Wonder what else she has going on under there? Promising.

I downshift the GTO into the nearest spot, grab my pool cue and jump out. Mind talk as I walk towards the door. Rodger owes me a buck or two and it was payday. Ohh yea - Crusty bastard is on duty tonight and will "buy" us a couple of shots. And a possible blonde with matching carpet? The night was righteous already.

Walking past the bouncer, "Hey Tiny! Is anything around?"

"You know Wiley, he is the coyote of the place. He walked in a bit skitzy an hour ago. Back bar I believe"

"Thanks Tiny"

I squeeze in through the first room jam packed with glamatoids. The usual Friday night bar band was off key in the background covering some old techno tunes. Why can't we get any good music in this town? I kept moving towards the first bar.

"Hey Hippie... pass the brew."

"Slacker!!!! Always a pleasure to see a consummate conniving bastard like yourself slumming down here at The Crossroads freak show."

"Thanks Sage. Can you saddle me up a whiskey shot too?"

"Whats the verdict Knob? Woodford?"

"Lets do a Makers for tonight. Follow me up with a Shiner. And get yourself one."

"Done. I think you got an idea there. Gracias."

I pass the earnings over to the older gentleman wearing a tye-die shirt saying Achieve World Peace (kill everybody).

"Now Sage? Someone might think you were on a mission wearing that rag on your chest. Have an argument with the old lady?"

"You know how she is. All talk no action. Another freakin day in paradise! Lets do these shots."

Laughter then drinking. We share a smile the working masses know all too well on a friday night.

"You got your cue with ya. Is it ass spankin time?"

"Is there any good competition in the house?"

"King Louis just walked in with his entourage. He has been drinking heavily."

Louis really was the king. He was an aging pool star with the style of Ray Martin. Just playing with the man was a lesson in itself. I never relinquished an opportunity to be on the same table. Legend. A real legend. But his drinking was getting worse and he was getting sloppy. I had been trying to stick a cue up his ass for a couple of years, only to be repeatedly spanked, shot down, humiliated. I knew one day the booze and the women would take its toll. It was just a matter of time before I bested him.

"Off to rattle his cage. Get yourself a blow job - loser!" Smile and slam Russell's tip down on the bar.

"Good Luck, Johnny" Russell shouts. I cruise through the beaded curtain to the back room.

I hear the beads rustling as my cue makes it through the curtain. The jukebox is playing Hollywood Nights by Bob Seger. I look across the smoky room and there sits the King, smoking a Cohiba and drinking bourbon. My kinda guy. I hate that bastard. And who is on his arm? Blonde. Parking lot. Damn.

The guys are waving me over like a bunch of chimpanzees. Obviously they had been there a while. "Johnny, OVER HERE!"

So much for a quiet entrance. Now for the attack. Chest out. Eyes averted and wolf-like. I approach the reason for the evening in a style that fits the room. Ready for anything.

Thinking again.. uh oh. boring.

So my morning commute is my five mins of alone/meditation time lately. I am thinking about why I don't have a man in my life. Not so much as a means to an end, but just a pondering of circumstance and history. Am I putting them off for a reason?

I think the reality in my current circumstances with men is that I am jealous of them. They can stand up to pee. They don't have to wear shirts or bras (unless they want to). They can, well... speak to the wee brain (hint hint, nudge nudge) standing up. If they flirt or are cavalier with women, its seen as a badge of honor, not being a slut. They can basically eat twice as much as women and not gain weight. (now I know this isn't true for all men, so don't get all twisted over this analogy.)

I know I don't want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman. Women have definite strengths that men don't. We can wield emotions with confidence, produce offspring and feed them from our breasts. (And believe me, boobs are a powerful weapon). We are the ultimate multi-taskers. We don't shy away from speaking directly when it calls for it. We are more intimate creatures. And we are beautiful.

I guess with Valentines Day coming up, I got into thinking. How many years have I dealt with men treating me l wasn't important? I was an accessory to them as opposed to someone they loved. Why I let things happen for so long and didn't stop it. Its lead me to feeling horrible about myself. Not realizing my accomplishments, and my beauty. But that is at least a stepping stone to being more aware of my beauty and my ability to be loved, by the right person.

But right this minute? I want some of the benefits of being a man. And maybe its because I don't have one in my life, well, an adult version, and thats the only reason I am even thinking about it.

____________________________

And on a very sad sad note, I may have to say goodbye to my camera. I had a very bad fall on Saturday that may have killed my Nikon D-40. Say your prayers... It may be history. Unless the money falls from the sky, I can't afford a new one right now either.

Something happened last month that made me think I was losing my karma. And this was a capper to that prediction.