Poetry = Dreamers Kiss 2005

My lips are moist with 
the lucious anticipation of 
your breath against them 
the taste of desire awaits 


in a dream i call to them 
reaching out to touch yours 
with fingertips light as a breeze 
soft caress against your warm sigh 


to sing a song with mine 
a song my heart keeps writing 
words into the air are alive 
your soul sings this song with me. 


i want to hear the words 
your lips sing along with mine 
together as our eyes meet in time 
opening doors that seal our tomorrows 


painted and perfect waiting in the garden 
catching the smile that melts the cold 
never wanting it to be and yet i know 
if it doesn't, my life is incomplete. 


you woke me in the morning of the night 
whispering in my ear from so far away. 
taking my dreams to you and setting fire 
to the desires we both deny to be real. 


let us be for now, let us be forever 
let us be us for ourselves and smile 
our lips so close our breath is stilled 
waiting for the perfect moment to sing. 


a song our dreamers kiss unites 
our lives bound in wisdom beyond our souls 
how do we catch our words or speak them 
tell me my sweet soul. i rely on your vision 


unspoken and true. alive and real 
waiting to see what your eyes tell me 
how mine respond to them alike 
how mine respond in kind. in kind... 


its a dreamers kiss that stands here 
a kiss responding outside boundaries 
making itself alive in my blood. 
it will not die until passed between us.

Lets Unpack.

One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.

What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.

I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.

There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.

I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.

Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack. 

I am that person... who are you?

why

You know the universe puts people in our path for a reason. And as I sit here in silence I wonder why you have been placed in my path. A choice you made is why we are here. You pulled me in, brought me to you. Now after the moments, where are we? And why do I spend any time questioning it?  Is there a reason you are questioning yourself?

I know how I feel, no questions. Maybe I am not seeing why I don't measure up in your eyes. Would I change to make that happen?  How long do you wait for your heart to decide again its ok to love?

Love isn't safe dear ones. Love is a hurricane, a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a smile, a good luck charm, a reason to have that shit eating grin from a day spent between the covers, a sharp rock that scars you, a splinter that irritates, a brain spasm at any moment when that persons smile flashes in your mind, the eyes that look up at you from the pillow, the whispers you hear in the wind, reminding you that all of life is beauty and perpetuating suffering by isolation is useless.

Walk into the dream darling... take a deep breath, sit down on the hammock and enjoy the sounds of the waves of love that fall all around you, whispering to you that you may not be safe from all hurt, but your home where band aids and soothing kisses are plentiful. you can call me nurse mel! and i can call you doctor... if you are into that sort of thing! giggle...

yea. lets swing the hammock in tandem.

Late night at the Oasis

Sometimes things surprise you. Last night I was pleasantly surprised. I am not sure traditional methods are at work here. I have to trust my instincts and gain respect.
Respect is mandatory for moving forward.

Musicaholic

Ok. Some of you may have guessed by coming here infrequently that I am a music consumer. I mean if there were no music, I would cease to remain sane. Don’t even test me on that one.

I truly believe music is a religion of sorts. There is no dissertation at this very moment. I have no concrete factual information to support my theory, it’s just an internal longing I have. I do know that waves of melody cause each of us internal awakenings of one type or another. It is capable of lifting us out of our lives into another parallel above or bringing us closer to an internal voice we can’t absolutely voice. Music can calm, excite, derive, distance, communicate, meld and reunite. If you have seen August Rush, this basically covers the ideas I have about the force of music.

Further more, there is a type of reverence for people that are capable of wrangling these tones and corralling them into bars of notes (with or without lyric) that change our lives. They are viewed as gods, and/or demons. They are everyday people who remind us of this touch by just sitting on our city streets gathering loose change, spreading a message only music can deliver.

What is even more interesting to me is how inherent and diverse it remains despite the regurgitation and repetition through out its evolution. Like thumbprints and portraits, songs can be reminiscent of the past, and there is still originality to each composition.

Whew. what does all THAT mean? I love music. Give me more and more and more. I can't get enough. I have to say that maybe its not better than a couple of things, but its a HECK of a lot better than a lot of others!!!!

Now. Check out a few new bands each week. I downloaded the ITunes Newport Folk Festival sampler from NPR All Songs Considered a few weeks ago and was turned onto "The Low Anthem". The name of the band suits their music, some of their songs remind me of anthems. There is so much good music out there... Find it. Its inspirational, creational and brings us closer to each other in a lot of ways.

Can I get an AMEN!? Peace Out....

Memsahib

I have vivid dreams.

I have a son.

I moved to California from Texas to save my life.

I love animals, they don’t live with me.

I love men, they don’t love me.

I have friends and they make me smile.

I wish I took better pictures and had time to paint.

I love to have long conversations with people and see the light come into their eyes when they speak of their loves and life.

I feel judgment is selfish and self centered.

I won't hate.

I realize every moment in life is a choice I make.

I like that picture even though I don't want that kind of life.

where?

Your vision of love is impaired. You used me as a means to an end, as you will the next in line, and the next, and the next, until you learn what you heart is searching for.

I pray that day comes soon for the sake of your children. They deserve to know what real love is. Not the false commitments we make out of blind tradition or our attachment to income and material things.

i will always love you. but you are gone now. and that is that.

Sometimes

Sometimes thoughts come. Like the waves of the ocean. Ideas are laid upon the page without conscious thoughts being applied. I have experienced this since early childhood. When you these images are shown to you they are not based on fact or reason, you grab on and enjoy the ride.

You always come across skeptics and doubters. Higher thinking requires no premise of pure fact. Application comes through basic physics, principles, fact and common sense. I mean seriously, if there was a perfect solution to interaction, wouldn't the world be more peaceful?

I pray every day for a way for us to each realize our potential and purpose in a peaceful, unconditional expose. Some days I think only music or art come close to that reasoning. But I am cornered by my own gifts.

Live, Love and Allow. Someone said i was judgemental today. I had to sit back and realize i was looking at the way a situation affected one person but had a completely different affect on someone else.

this makes no real sense. just asking the questions and exposing my suspicions. Love is unconditional. I hope i can reach that summit one day. Sans sarcasm or judgement.

amen. Happy Tuesday

Unconditional Love?

Love. Is it really unconditional? So far as I can tell... no, nyet, nada. its not. I really have given up. Done. Kaputz.

I need someone,
a person to talk to,
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid your sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, they do it all the time


I am so tempted to walk away quickly towards a more lucrative pastime. Art. Painting. Writing a novel about Johnny. Maybe I should just go shopping for rechargeable AA batteries for my B.O.F. He can't help carry out the trash. He isn't a very good kisser and can't keep me warm at night. But he never gives me an ultimatum or uses the "authoritarian" approach to get my attention. (Nor does he make me promises and fall short on his word. he can't speak. another plus.)

The burdens of my life and existing are MINE alone. But at least I can do it MY way!!!! (maybe I should move to Europe).



okay this is sarcasm people... I maybe a cold b*tch, but I am not that cold. I am at the end of the patience with this love thing. I am better off without.

Anatomy of Love

Today in my car on the 15 min vigil, my ONLY alone time anymore, I was thinking about what it is to love. What is love. One of the times I have felt love is in watching someone you love in the process of being. Watching someone as they discover something new. That look of wonder. The look on their face as they describe their passions. What they do to reveal those in physical ways. Expressing their knowledge of themselves.

The Look of Love

You turned your head
looking up from your work
Observance stance no agenda
Appreciating your hands

Your eyes were full
expressing your aptitude
passion had tinted them
a deeper shade of blue

I reached to touch
the skin that contains
a soul in motion state
feeling the energy

wanting to crawl inside
become a part of process
the mind that brings the
inside out cool smooth

You looked at me
in a lust full gaze
and we fell into it
the moment a tidal wave

how that moment changed
from its pure process to
pure enjoyment going beyond
a physical connection manifested

come love and lay
be your self inside
with me beside you
lets manifest a union

by Melanie M. © 03-2008