One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.
What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.
I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.
There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.
I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.
Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack.
I am that person... who are you?
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