Opression

Todays word... oppression:
op·pres·sion
noun
prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control.

I was thinking that since we are all part of the same existence in time, working separately (together), what is the oppression we are putting forth in our own lives, or the lives of others? What does oppression mean to you? Is it about people being held prisoner out of fear? What kind of fear generates it? Or could it be thinking that only toast is what you can eat for breakfast? How deep or how shallow is oppression?

Lets Unpack.

One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.

What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.

I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.

There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.

I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.

Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack. 

I am that person... who are you?

why

You know the universe puts people in our path for a reason. And as I sit here in silence I wonder why you have been placed in my path. A choice you made is why we are here. You pulled me in, brought me to you. Now after the moments, where are we? And why do I spend any time questioning it?  Is there a reason you are questioning yourself?

I know how I feel, no questions. Maybe I am not seeing why I don't measure up in your eyes. Would I change to make that happen?  How long do you wait for your heart to decide again its ok to love?

Love isn't safe dear ones. Love is a hurricane, a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a smile, a good luck charm, a reason to have that shit eating grin from a day spent between the covers, a sharp rock that scars you, a splinter that irritates, a brain spasm at any moment when that persons smile flashes in your mind, the eyes that look up at you from the pillow, the whispers you hear in the wind, reminding you that all of life is beauty and perpetuating suffering by isolation is useless.

Walk into the dream darling... take a deep breath, sit down on the hammock and enjoy the sounds of the waves of love that fall all around you, whispering to you that you may not be safe from all hurt, but your home where band aids and soothing kisses are plentiful. you can call me nurse mel! and i can call you doctor... if you are into that sort of thing! giggle...

yea. lets swing the hammock in tandem.

for you...

We found each other and that is wonderful. But for now, I am alone and I am tired of it. Patience isn't my virtue, nor is it my desire. My fears will be renewed with you about trust. I will give it and try to trust over and over again.

I want what I want when I want it like everyone else. I am not going to be a sucker for anyone ever again. Not even a soul-mate, so baby? for now? go ahead, you have my heart. Because I will accept you however you are. If you aren't going to do that for me? We both lose. Because I am done compromising. DONE.

I am too precious. I am offering you the world for a few tokens... You have the intelligence to realize how easy it would be to keep someone that would hold you forever. I believe in you.

I got a song for ya. (she should have included something about patience.. my weakest virtue)