here i am.

I have had a lot of time to contemplate.. sitting, sleeping and not moving. I am enjoying this rest. my spirit has needed a place to stop sit and breath.

I am not quite yet ready to start the cycle again, i am feeling the need to reserve energy. Start contemplating. And as i have a son that needs my attention thats the most i can give a this moment.

he is loving and patient as a five year old can be. And i want to be an active mom. But i can NOT be active until i am healed. I look forward to the future past this 3-4 months of recovery.

There are plans in my head, but i know they are going to be there in a months time. I am going to enjoy this peace. and pray for a soulmate who can enjoy it with me. and teach my son to love life the way i do.

Single Parent Daze

We all know I am a single parent, blah, blah, blah. Its not that bad really! Like the highlight of our weekend was the circular exit ramp at the library. Plus an entire day the beach Sunday. But it has its difficult times. This morning was one of them.

My son is at daycamp this summer. Loving every minute of it. Seriously, they are on the bus almost everyday going somewhere. Today I woke him up and looked at his "schedule". Today was the waterslide. He was so excited. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, you can follow the bus in your car!".

I sighed and looked at him saying, "Well maybe. But you know I have to work."

He said, "Then when you get off work, you can drive to the waterpark and meet us there."

I said, "I don't know that you will still be there when I can get off work."

Then I walked into his room to get his bathing suit and towel for his backpack. He comes limping into the room. "Mommy, George says I can't ride on the bus with my broken leg and you have to drive me behind the bus to the Waterslide."

My heart broke at that point. I momentarily thought about skipping work and going, but I know I can't because I have a surgery coming up and need all my vacation time to cover that. I said, "Come here baby." I gave him a big long hug and looked at him saying, "I really wish I could go but you know we need the money and I cant."

He said, "Ok mommy."

Those times are the hardest to deal with when you are a single parent. Not having the "time" to really be there when you kids actually want you to. Oh well. He will get there and have a blast! Thats what really matters most. I can at the least provide that for him.

Birthday week!!! Fun times ahead.

Fathers Day

"Lucky that man whose children make his happiness in life and not his grief, the anguished disappointment of his hopes. "
-- Euripedes

Another Year has gone by without contact. I am not upset about it until this day. I have decided to get out of town for the weekend. We are going to find some peace at my sisters house. I am happy that we aren't going to be at home alone. I know it is what we both need. He is feeling the absence this week, because they are doing fathers day projects at school. He doesn't have a dad. Well, you know what I mean. He doesn't know why there is no dad. And he doesn't ask. He loves our family. But he is feeling an empty space this week. And maybe not just for himself. He has been sad. He has been clinging to me. He has been acting out. He is afraid to be alone places. I am at odds to deal with it when he wont communicate his little hearts despairs to me. I wish a dad would come sooner rather than later.

Fathers. Mine was a salesman and was gone a LOT when I was younger. I don't remember seeing him very much as I grew up. And when I did he was tired. Sometimes drinking. Most of the time laughing and playing music.

I wonder so many times about people that grow up without both parents. I made a choice not just for selfish reasons, but for spiritual reasons. This was my gift. I am very sorry for his father that he couldn't absorb his ability to share in this gift. But I am not responsible for the lack of respect and honor this person shares with the world. He has chosen his path. And so it goes.


My son is sweet and deserves all the love in the world. All life is rift with lessons and love. I hope that I am providing both with grace and laughter. I am father, mother, teacher and friend.

I deserve a raise... Any volunteers? :cheekygrin:

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads, and single parents out there! CHEERS!

Happy Mothers Day

A Mother's Prayer

Help me dear Lord, as a mother, I pray
And bless these hands folded in prayer today;
May they be ever strong as they guide, as they teach,
Being never too far for a child to reach.
May they never, with selfishness, try to dissuade,
Nor too quickly punish, nor too slowly aid.
May they point out the pleasures in laughter and song,
And may they show, wisely, the right from the wrong,
So that one day I'll know that I've helped all I can
To make her a woman, to make him a man.

- Mary A. Loberg

Happy Mothers Day to all Moms, near and far. May this day bring you together with your children. And may you all smile and enjoy each others lives.

May peace come to mothers whose sons and daughters are not with them for any reason.

My little family

My son is cute, loving and a little demon too. He has been exceptionally loving the last couple of weeks. Here is some of the dialog.

You said to me, "Mommy we are a family, aren't we?"

I said, "Yes baby. We are a family."

You said, "I am glad. I love you Mommy. Can bear be a part of our family?"

I said, "I love you to baby. Yes. Bear IS part of our family."

You just smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss. Then we both gave bear a kiss.

Thats worth every penny right there.

And Yes. it is that simple, if you let it be.

The Morning

I have a very difficult time rising up in the mornings especially after this time change. This morning was no exception. The alarm went off and the usual "five more minutes" mantra's began. I think thats why I set my alarm extra early, to have that mantra time and process dreams. This morning I felt peaceful in my movements. Maybe its because I am so tired and there is so much for me to do, that I can't move fast anymore. I have to pace myself.

As we leave the apartment I think, mornings are beautiful here. The sky is peach and blue, the jet stream clouds line across the sky. Its a crisp cool. The kind of cool that leaves dew on the leaves. I am carrying the little man's lunch. We are chattering about where we parked the car. I am wearing my favorite sandals and my red corduroy jacket. My son is wearing his favorite sweatshirt and shoes. We are talking about the airplanes and rocket ships. Where everyone is going on the planes. What people do in space. I get melancholy.

Its so sad that the other person in his life can't enjoy the simple moments. Just making his lunch or that little boy request to tighten his shoes. The way he walks like his uncle and his head looks like his grandpa's. But hey. I get to. Yea ME!!!!

AND TO STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT!

March 13th is the day i was brought screaming and kicking into the world. Sorry to confuse. Will have a b-day post tomorrow with some porn. (its also weigh in day for the beginning of a newer slimmer ME!)

*giggles*

The Preacher, and the Bum

Last night I had a dream about my ex, father of my little guy.

This is a very deep and intense read. I wonder why I am always tired. These dreams are like writing literature every night. Thats only a small part of what happened in the dream. The "Readers Digest" version if you will. I don't add all the smells or light or visuals.