There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love,
but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.
Pearl S. Buck

Monday, April 7

What is UP!?




I don't understand whats up with Will Farrell in my dreams. I had a dream about him again last night. Maybe its because "Blades of Glory" was on HBO this weekend. And Talladega Nights, was on Encore. I only watched a few mins of each, seeing as I didn't feel like explaining to the toddler what was going on.

Last night it was like some kind of elfin kingdom. We were in the woods at a resort. Interesting thing about Will in my dreams? Its like he is my big brother, only not! We have a great relationship, laughing and talking. Nothing overly sexual, and it makes me feel relaxed and comfortable. I don't even LIKE Will Ferrell.

Maybe its a sign. I used to dream about Oprah constantly till I moved to Santa Barbara. Maybe I should find out where Will lives and make a visit. Something may be waiting for me there. Or maybe I should take up comedy writing. Dream interpretation is NOT my strong suit, but there is so much information there. I need a studio. Desparately. Time to be creative ad nauseam.

Thursday, April 3

Moving & Shaking


I apologize in advance for the lack of attention to my blog. For 2 years my son and I have lived in a studio apartment. A few fights and grey hairs later, we are on the move. I found a bigger apartment for not too much more than I am paying now. And its 6 blocks from where I am now. YESSSSS!!!!!

Hence, I am in the throws of a "single parent" move. I don't have much time to spare on myself for a few weeks. Although, technically this move is for myself and my son. You don't even know the ecstacy I am going to feel having my own room again. Can you say privacy? Well, as close as I will get to it for now.

I have room for some plants and a grill too. Whose up for some ribs? or chops? I will send out the invites once I get settled. Until then, keep your hands off my bubble wrap, unless you are wrapping my dishes!

Movin on up... to the east side... giggles.

and in totally unrelated and yet so relevant news...
Photobucket

My Nikon D40 is in the shop being repaired. My soul will be arriving home soon. And in rewards to my soldier of imaging, I bought him a new apendage. And he got a mightier sword. I can't wait to put it to the test. Look for updated images soon.

A special thank you goes out to my father for always supporting the arts. Words are inadequate to thank him for his generosity. I love you Dad. xoxoxox

Monday, March 31

I am abandoning feelings (for Monday)


First? Coffee... ah... Semi-Human...

Life has been a series of tidal waves lately. My upcoming move, my ankle evaluation, the ongoing toddler battles, my camera, my finances and my tooth broke off on Friday. During these times, I have to come to count on my interactions with my friends to help me forget for a few minutes till I have to suit up and head back into battle.

Saturday night, a "friend" said something to me that completely wrecked me. I started crying. It was a joke, an unintentional jab, but you know what they say about those statements. It started me thinking, is that what he thinks of me? I guess I don't represent myself the right way.

Then Sunday, I saw a friend of mine come online. Someone that is a good friend that always makes time for me and helps me smile. They didn't respond to a hello. I know it wasn't an intentional slam on me, but it really upset me. I am going to have to re-evaluate our situation. Maybe I should back of and establish different boundaries. It hurts me to even think about doing that. Who else is going to protect me but me?

I have decided that feelings are highly overrated. I am happy to have a little man that truly loves his momma and I need to relish that time. Soon I will have my own space again so that I can escape into some artwork instead of relying on people that can't really be there for me, even if they want to. I have to deal with being there for myself. Guard my feelings more carefully. Be more selective about who I bestow them on. If you know me, you know that is not like me, but the other way is starting to tear me down a little.

That said? Camera is in the shop. Tooth is getting fixed today. I am enlisting help in moving as we speak. I am MOVING to a new home that will allow a different style of life that is needed for me and my little family. We are going to get a goldfish. I am turning off cable, but keeping the internet. Time to establish a "relationship" with my son before he gets too much older.

Friday, March 28

Eric Hutchinson



Another newbie to my ITunes library Eric Hutchinson

You heard it here first (or maybe you didn't, lucky you). This is a very well edited CD and heavy on the production, so if you don't like that type of music, this may not be for you. I am a fan of all styles of production from raw to overproduced. I can't find a favorite here. They are all good. My personal selections from "Sounds Like This" are Outside Villanova, Rock and Roll, Food Chain and Ok Its Allright with me. A talented songwriter. I am going to post these lyrics from the song OH!, because I like the cleverness of them.

i got arrested in the dark of the night
the cop got restless as he read me my rights
he told me "im always envious of those that i jail
if i got locked up nobody'd come to help me post bail"
and i said "oh!"

went to a party on the side of a hill
met three latinas who had gotten their fill.
they told me "nobody ever gets us down on our knees
simply to help us take a load off our feet."
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

i picked a pocket just to give it all back
took out the license left the money in tact
the man said "i wanna thank you" and i had to ask why
"That was the old me I was living a lie"
and i said "oh!"

riding the subway with the scent of her hair
she took out a toothbrush started using it there
she explained "im always sure today's the day i will die
i wanna look good if i get to look god in the eye"
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

we get lost in the back of our minds
got nothing to burn but time time time
everybody's got the love but they keep it inside

met an acquaintance we were reintroduced
with more in common than we had in our youth
she told me "you look the same" i said "i'm now a new man"
she asked me "how does that work" "i started giving a damn"
and i said "oh!"


For my money you can use the word OH too many times but I love his music. Find some and enjoy for yourself.


And on a sadder note? I will never EVER be the The Pioneer Woman. Ever.... I know your disappointed mom, but my life is a little too surreal to be served on white bread. I love you despite it all anyway! :kisses:

Thursday, March 27

For the Gerbers



Dear Gerbers. I wanted to let you know I love you. I know its hard. Please don't give up hope. There are other ways.

Signed,
Surrogate Mel

Photo Credit: David Vankeuren

Wednesday, March 26

End the Madness


There are many people I know who are in marriages that do not work. These people "justify" staying married by a set of archaic guidelines that have not worked in the past and still aren't. I believe its honorable to want to stick with someone because you made a commitment. But if this commitment isn't serving anyone's higher good and is hurting others, and believe me it does, end the madness. Remember that your frustration, regret and misery bleed over into the entire pool. Reevaluate your possibilities (together or separate) and move towards harmony. Everyone deserves peace and love.

edit: picture credit to PostSecretdotcom

Sunday, March 23

Baby Giggles

Ok. I don't care who you are. this is going to make you laugh. Its infectious.

Happy Easter Bunny!

Thursday, March 20

Ankle Diagnosed



Okay Broke it at age 18. Probably should have had an operation, but the doc said no. He set it badly and now there is no ankle joint left. I have cramps in that calf 3 times a week at night. Pain 24 hours a day. I scheduled an appt with the podiatrist via my primary care physician. Today was the appointment.

Dr. Pearson: "Well there's only one thing that can be done. We have to fuse it. (My brain says...What? Fuse it?) If you were 15 or 20 years older you would have a replacement ankle procedure. I do this kind of operation everyday. 90% success rate on this procedure, over all. I think you have a 95% success rate. I am amazed you have this kind of flexibility at all. I can take you down the hall to another doctors office that I did this procedure on and he will tell you he is so glad he had it done.

Me: Sighs... So doctor, what is this going to cost me?

Doc: Your insurance will cover it. There may be some kind of deductible.

Me: What is the recovery time for this?

Doc: Thats the hard part. Six weeks off your feet. No weight on it at all. If you have a desk job you can go back after 1 or 2 weeks. It will be 3 months till you have a "normal" life ie: excercise, walking without a limp/cane/crutches, etc.

Me: Doc, I am a single mom. What am I going to do about my kid?

Doc: You have to take care of yourself. Find someone to help you with that.

Me: (inside my head = are you a parent?) So... find someone to look after him. How long will I need that?

Doc: At least 6 weeks. Maybe two months.

Me: Ok. Well, I need to think about it.

Doc: I think you should do it. I can't believe you aren't in more pain than you are.

Me: Doc, I am a jilted (previously physically abused), overworked, no child support, single mother who adores her son. What's pain got to do with it?

Doc: puzzled look... Do you want some valium?

Me: Do they come in a pediatric dosage?

So, I have to have an operation that will hobble the mem for a good six weeks. Can ANYONE come and help me? Anyone? Oh, Angel of mercy that looks down and bestows me with minor miracles, I need a BIGGIE!!!!!

Wednesday, March 19

Anatomy of Love


Today in my car on the 15 min vigil, my ONLY alone time anymore, I was thinking about what it is to love. What is love. One of the times I have felt love is in watching someone you love in the process of being. Watching someone as they discover something new. That look of wonder. The look on their face as they describe their passions. What they do to reveal those in physical ways. Expressing their knowledge of themselves.

The Look of Love

You turned your head
looking up from your work
Observance stance no agenda
Appreciating your hands

Your eyes were full
expressing your aptitude
passion had tinted them
a deeper shade of blue

I reached to touch
the skin that contains
a soul in motion state
feeling the energy

wanting to crawl inside
become a part of process
the mind that brings the
inside out cool smooth

You looked at me
in a lust full gaze
and we fell into it
the moment a tidal wave

how that moment changed
from its pure process to
pure enjoyment going beyond
a physical connection manifested

come love and lay
be your self inside
with me beside you
lets manifest a union

by Melanie M. © 03-2008

Tuesday, March 18

Pete Yorn - Life on a Chain


I live on a chain and you share the same last name, as a joke,
I sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked,
I knew it made you feel dirty,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing,
And you were THE sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me.
Time alone is good, I spend my days in the city,
Dirty neighborhood, you know you'll never convince me,
So I sold the town away, I couldn't wait to forget you,
I was killed in half a day, I hadn't time to regret you,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine heading my front line,
I was alone you were just around the corner from me.
I, I'm still on the chain, and you, had the same last name,
As a joke I sent a bottle of whiskey
As you choked you said it made you feel dirty...
Waiting over here, for life to begin,
Still looking for the new thing,
And you were the sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me


Life on a Chain - Pete Yorn

Okay. I don't know if you know anything about Pete Yorn but he opened up for Crowded House when I saw them last fall. He really is a great songwriter. You probably know him from the song Strange Condition. I just happened to like the song Life on a Chain better (and now Undercover). I always was a rebel. He sounds like Jim Morrison to me in some of his songs, Chris Cornell in others. His guitar work on the song Undercover reminds me of Brian Eno! Very "Taking Tiger Mountain" to me... Does anyone remember Brian Eno? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Get you sum Pete Yorn. You wont be too sorry. :wink:

Thanks Legzy for the CD! :hugs:

Monday, March 17

Da Dreams

So last night another fantastical journey through my subconcious. I don't remember a lot of it. Mostly I remember taking a shower, finding the right shampoo and conditioner. I was at a family members place. Everyone was there either sleeping, or getting ready to go somewhere. (I have a huge feeling of transition with my family. Everyone in my family is. My sister is going places (new house and maybe baby). My brother is getting more mentally sound.) I was running around making decisions.

One scene in the "dream movie" my mother was giving me some interesting advice. It wasn't the usual mom advice. She said, "He is coming. You have to keep an eye out for a man in the car with you. Don't be afraid to help someone out with a ride or getting some help with your car. And don't be bothered about your initial reaction."

I totally blew that off. I mean really who is going to listen to their mom's advice about men!? Then I got to thinking, maybe it wasn't her talking to me. Maybe it was a face put on by someone else to give me a piece of information I would have thrown off if from a person less familiar.

You know? Things are really changing for me right now. Rapidly. Anything can happen. I guess I am going to pay attention to things that happen regarding my car! sheesh. Romance at the wheel. Maybe its D.W. Maybe its a famous race car driver. My luck? A divorced auto mechanic with a daughter. Because thats pretty much what I need in my life. A sibling for the little guy and a man that can fix my car and my attitude. :wink:

Thursday, March 13

Birthdays are Beautiful


•The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

•The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

•The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.


Audrey Hepburn

Today is the day one beautiful woman propelled me into the world via sheer force, sweat and fears. Amazing to me I have lived this long. Seriously when I was in my 20's I just knew I wouldn't make it to 50. And here I am 3 years away. A full grown beautiful woman who has finally found unconditional love from a man (granted he is only four and thats going to totally change, but... hey!).

It took me many years to appreciate being a woman. Many years. I think I have found that at the age of 47, maybe it took me being a mom to realize the complete power of being a woman. That beauty really does come from within (although, it doesn't hurt to be pretty on the outside). I woke up this morning like every other day, wishing I didn't have to work for a living! But grateful for what I have, especially the little man, who was fixing my hair before work today. Another year of fighting the fight, and winning the little battles.

Tonights booming celebration? Me and the midgie are going to make birthday cake. So whats your preference.. Lemon Cake with Lemon Icing OR Golden Cake with Dark Chocolate Icing?

Let your voice be heard. I will take a cake porn picture after its done.

Happy Birthday to me.
I am as old as a tree
I smell like fresh flowers
and I live by the sea.

Wednesday, March 12

The Morning


I have a very difficult time rising up in the mornings especially after this time change. This morning was no exception. The alarm went off and the usual "five more minutes" mantra's began. I think thats why I set my alarm extra early, to have that mantra time and process dreams. This morning I felt peaceful in my movements. Maybe its because I am so tired and there is so much for me to do, that I can't move fast anymore. I have to pace myself.

As we leave the apartment I think, mornings are beautiful here. The sky is peach and blue, the jet stream clouds line across the sky. Its a crisp cool. The kind of cool that leaves dew on the leaves. I am carrying the little man's lunch. We are chattering about where we parked the car. I am wearing my favorite sandals and my red corduroy jacket. My son is wearing his favorite sweatshirt and shoes. We are talking about the airplanes and rocket ships. Where everyone is going on the planes. What people do in space. I get melancholy.

Its so sad that the other person in his life can't enjoy the simple moments. Just making his lunch or that little boy request to tighten his shoes. The way he walks like his uncle and his head looks like his grandpa's. But hey. I get to. Yea ME!!!!

AND TO STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT!

March 13th is the day i was brought screaming and kicking into the world. Sorry to confuse. Will have a b-day post tomorrow with some porn. (its also weigh in day for the beginning of a newer slimmer ME!)

*giggles*

Tuesday, March 11

happy birthday battery money.


I got money from my dad. And then the battery died. I guess thats something to be grateful for. Wont have to worry about that for 7 years now (if the car lasts that long).

I love having a car thats paid for though. Hallafreakinlujah!!!!!

Weighing in on my birthday. Is that a sign?

Thursday, March 6

WW Thursdays


I begin another weight loss chapter in my life. Losing weight is a struggle for me. I have a highly sensual nature and food has always been a comfort. Time to change the way I look at it. In light of that? Weight Watchers meetings start today.

Granted, I joined because the meetings are at work and I don't have to travel to them, but also my company reimburses us 50% of the fees at the end of the session. And this time around, there are incentives. I love incentives.

Good nutritional experts and fitness instructors will tell you that diligence is key. I have to remember that word in this go round. DILIGENCE!!! And choices. I realize that support is a big factor for me. I enjoy having people around me to give me reminders now and again that I am doing great or doing poorly.

So it begins. I will post the original weight this after noon in an edit. We can watch my transformation together. Part of this process is to cut out the amount of alcohol that I consume. Thats going to be a bit more difficult. But I plan on succeeding without a lot of fanfare. I just have to.

Thanks for your patience while I battle out my fight for fitness and weight loss. At the end I should have an awesome swim suit shot to put up (in keeping with my increasing "porn-like" photos here at not just noun & verbs - HA!).

edit: weigh in is next week. whew! bring on the ice cream! :giggles:

edit: edit: weighed in at 230. YIKES!!! "wires her jaw shut"

Wednesday, March 5

3pm.


All I want to do is sleep today. Why don't I work for myself again? :sighs: I wouldn't get anything done then either.

Okay while google-ing the picture I came across these lame excuses to use when caught sleeping at your desk. Top Ten Excuses when caught sleeping at your desk.

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do Yoga?"

4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3) "The coffee machine is broken..."

2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot!

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:" in Jesus Name, Amen."

man, this has to be the lamest list.. can anyone come up with a better one? like:

"Oh, that really does smell like pine."

"Did you find my contact?"

"I thought I heard a Who! (a person's a person no matter how small)"

"I was practicing for my acting class tonight. Our production is called "Insomniac".

can you think of any?

Tuesday, March 4

Bustiers


I dreamt about them all night long. Different color, closures, ribbons, lace, velvet, mostly old world style.

I blame Neil.

Monday, March 3

Rejection - the whining. (oy vey)


You know? I don't mind rejection. Well, I say that. It hurts. But only if you let it. I watch the world around me and feel like I haven't ever been a part of something others have. I don't know what that is, but it feels like alienation. Not from my own hand. I get out there and lay my soul on the line everyday. I like that. Its who I am. But when you keep getting run over or stepped over or pushed down, you get tired. You become distrustful. And even the most well intentioned person becomes a potential source of agony to my already waning spirit. When did people stop accepting each other for who they really are? And not judge them by a specific set of illusionary "rules" they deem fit to place upon someone else?

Why all of the sudden is there so much rejection in my life? Is it a passing phase? Am I learning something new? What is it that I am seeking actually? The avoidance thing doesn't work but cutting out my online connections is helping. For some reason, I put too much emotion into my friendships on line. I am too emotional after all, but its who I am. That wont change. I would hope that after 46 years (well, actually 47 because my bday is in 10 days) on this planet, I would have learned how to deal with it. Or maybe its a gift that I will never have a heart of stone.

My life is in a phase of turmoil. I find myself wanting to hide and not be with anyone at all. I allow myself to think I am a lost soul. Until I can find some peace within myself, I am merely tethered to the planet. As I was walking back from doing laundry yesterday afternoon, I had the sensation of not being in my body anymore. I inhabit a different place. Maybe its the fact I don't have any time for myself. Is it the fear of being broke? How am I going to deal with the reality of my son and the rising costs of supporting him? I feel that the world is crashing in on me and I have nowhere to turn.

In all this self analysis I find there is really NOTHING to complain about. My life is sweet in comparison to so many. I have lovely son that is healthy and whole. I have a good job in paradise. I get free coffee every day. My car is paid for and running. I have enough clothes to get me through the week without doing laundry. I have full function of all my limbs and a fairly intact mind. And a good source of food at my disposal whenever I feel hungry.

Maybe I need not write any of this out here and just get on with things. I am working on making me a better person. Thats the best I can do. But damn, I sure could use a crane to remove some of the burden for a few days a month. And If I was a gambling gal? I would bet thats going to happen the day before monkeys fly.

Yea. I used to be a purely positive person. But I guess thats my son's job now. :wink:

Friday, February 29

Friday Bullets


I have no absolute vision of what to post today. So its bullet points.

I had a wild dream about a coworker in the airport last night and hope she doesn't have a hard time getting back from Belize.

My son is finally ready to "poop" on the potty!!!!! Praise the baby Jesus. Hallelujah. I am working on a plan with my "family counselor" Kristi Miller, of Solutions in Parenting. This lady is of a very modern mindset when it comes to raising kids. One of my money mantras is that I can afford her at least once every two months.

I start Weight Watchers next week!!! Back in the saddle. I am NOT going to give up as easily this time as I did last time. I need support though. Who is willing to jump on the band wagon with me? My meetings are on Thursdays, so I have a feeling update Thursdays will be in order. The ironic thing is that Thursdays at my office they give us free bagels and doughnuts... HA!!!! I love the battle in that. And the absolute opportunity to test my will power. I will have to stay out of the Break Room on Thursdays so not to be tempted. I am a Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts.

I am so broke I am beyond broke. Does anyone need a part time assistant? Maid? Designer? Sex Slave? I could use a few bones in the bank account.

I live in a shoebox. Seriously. A studio apartment that is bursting at the seams with TOYS!!!!! (now lets balance that out by saying, it is in Santa Barbara, so I don't find that all too horrible) By the end of the weekend I am on the verge of suicide because I have cleaned a walking path in my apartment five gazillion times in a 48 hour period. Enlisting the little man has its good times and its bad times. I don't believe in a reward system as that is going to cost me. I try to encourage him to work along with me and relish in a job well done. Much more proactive in the long run, but at age four it only works about 60% of the time. Better than 50.

In less than two weeks, I will celebrate another rotation around the planet. Meh. I feel old. I have never felt old before. This year? I feel old. Maybe I should get out and do some childlike stuff for my birthday, like Disneyworld or something. Or maybe Pin the tail on the donkey. or Twister. or... wow. Even my language is starting to sound like porn. I need an adult vacation.

POUT. My camera is going to stay broken for a while (due to having a real life and a son and no disposable income). I never realized how much I appreciated it till it was gone. FFS. I wasn't even being klutzy. Karma on my camera. But I can't figure out why. I have been pondering and pondering the reason. No clue yet. I guess sometimes things just happen. But I have never believed that. So, at some point it will come to me. And I will be relieved.


Its FRIDAY!!!! And I have two mini meatloaf's in the fridge for weekend sammiches. NO cooking this weekend. I so rock.

Ok. I need new music. Give me some suggestions.

Much love to those who pass here. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Namaste brethern of the da-blawg.

Wednesday, February 27

Scientific Facts...


I loved watching Bill Nye, the science guy. I have learned a few tantalizing scientific facts from his show. Until Bill came into my life, I didn't realize that the shadow or the movement of the shadow across the moon always goes from right to left. Did you know that? Isn't he cool? and soooo CUTE?

He did parodies of hit songs and used scientific facts. The "weird al" of science videos. I had an idea that he should have used the song The Isrealites as a parody for electrolytes. But being the "shy" gal that I am, I didn't get this suggestion in time before the show stopped airing.

Wake up in the morning looking for gatorade
because I drank too much last night...

ooooooo The Electrolytesszzzaaaa...

I mean, doesn't that just work? on so many levels? I miss that show. Saturday morning hangovers and Bill Nye. I am a geek.

:whistles: OOOOO The Electrolyteszzaaaaa....

Tuesday, February 26

Thyroid


So I got NODES in my thyroid. Still waiting on the doctor to call back and discuss further. They don't look "threatening" but I am guessing I should be a bit more proactive, as the thyroid is kind of important to balance of the bodies metabolism. She wants me to "watch" them, as in six months I go back for another ultrasound. Anyone got thyroid issues?

I am seriously going to hound on her about my ankle too. I am going to insist she refer me to a specialist. I really need to do something about it. I use it regularly to walk on and its tripping me up. :wink:

(how do you like my porn thyroid nodule shot? :cheesygrin:)

The Gathering

I went out with some friends the other night... Stayed out too late, made some bad decisions about bringing along my son, but I was out. Towards the end of the evening, I felt like an outsider. Partially my own decision, I gave up trying to "make" conversation when no matter what I was saying, it felt like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing NO ripple.

What I realized during that time, when I didn't particularly feel welcomed or accepted in a LOT of ways, I am who I am. And fuck me for letting myself think that I am less of a human being for being quirky or un-like other people. Who I am is great!

In conclusion, making people feel alienated is NEVER cool. EVER. I am sick of thinking I owe the world anything. I don't care if I fit in, because I never will. The only people I owe anything to are myself and my son. (Oh and a few THOUSAND dollars to my parents). It feels good to be back in the saddle.

RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

edit: I think maybe alienating thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers is ok. but friends? nope. not cool.

Monday, February 25

Oscar Smossker Meyer Weiner


Sounds kosher doesn't it? I didn't even turn on my TV last night to see the fashions. I live two hours north of LA, and had absolutely NO desire to give attention to bad sets, bad performances and bad commercials. What was I doing instead? Pay per view, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. HA! Can anyone fill me in on something they showed that I should be sorry I missed? Like some porn that won an oscar? Since I seem to be gravitating towards that in my imagery.

I feel like a documentary on the displaced children of our current "warlike" state in the middle east would be a better use of my time. But its not been produced, that I know of.

I wonder when the "oscar" charade will end? :harumph:

Friday, February 22

Examination



So, my doctor wants tests done. I am off to the radiology clinic for an ultrasound, a mammogram and an X-ray.

hooooray for the squishing boob machine. *dramatic eyeroll*

happy weekends!

OK I was laughing so hard at this I was crying. I am a complete sucker for this kind of humor.

Wednesday, February 20

Breasts


OK... i have had it. You want breasts? Check this out.


EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Sunday, February 17

Napa

Picture or Video 046I am visiting Napa Valley. I went to two wineries. Made meatloaf, and have seen 3 adult films which is unusual for me.

Here is one picture of the scenes thankfully i borrowed a camera.

more when I get back to southern california.

drink more wine. :-)

Thursday, February 14

Valentines Day


Yea. So freakin' what!

No one will send me flowers.
No one will buy me cupcakes.
No one will tell me they couldn't live without me.

Its another day to practice the love I already share with the world.

and that ain't to shabby folks. get you sum!

happy happy joy joy i wish i had a boy toy... HA!

okay all you lovers out there. make love not war. peace... OUT.

Wednesday, February 13

meme tags...

Okay you peeps... eliza Do-giggle and Sniper Kat, tagged me for 7 positive things about myself. I know someone else tagged me with the random meme, but hell, you get that random thing from me daily. so, we are going with the positives on this happy hump day... and awaaaayyy we go!

1) I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. People compliment me on my laugh. Life is Gods joke, and the devil's misery, so live it up! I heard on iconoclasts, Deepok Chopra say, "Laughter is man's way of alleviating misery". That dude is wise.

2) I have an eye for beauty. I don't mean in the sense of beautiful people or what the world may perceive as beauty, I mean the core of it. What makes us "who we are" beauty. The beauty of the world I live in, even in its suffering, there is beauty. Its easy to find if you are looking for it.

3) I am a pretty cool mom. Although I lack some serious discipline skills, I have a son that smiles, has good manners, is well liked, and respects others. sorta.

4) I am not afraid of hard work. I enjoy getting my hands dirty when it calls for it. Getting down in there and messing in the muck. Its good for anyone's self esteem to see accomplishment like that.

5) I have some d*mn cute toes, and intense eyes. I am fortunate that genetics has gifted me with these.

6) I enjoy my friends, and like making new ones. You can never have enough people in your life to share your good fortune, if you have any.

7) I have the gift of a big shoulder. As in, when I am sitting and listening to someone, I can really feel what they are going through and be empathetic. I can hear what they are saying, and respond in a positive manner. Not in a patronizing condescending style, in a "say it like it is" way. I have no fear of truth. Its what people deserve to hear.

And thats more than you needed to know about me. Carry on Comrades.

Tuesday, February 12

The Preacher, and the Bum

Last night I had a dream about my ex, father of my little guy.

This is a very deep and intense read. I wonder why I am always tired. These dreams are like writing literature every night. Thats only a small part of what happened in the dream. The "Readers Digest" version if you will. I don't add all the smells or light or visuals.

Monday, February 11

Thinking again.. uh oh. boring.

So my morning commute is my five mins of alone/meditation time lately. I am thinking about why I don't have a man in my life. Not so much as a means to an end, but just a pondering of circumstance and history. Am I putting them off for a reason?

I think the reality in my current circumstances with men is that I am jealous of them. They can stand up to pee. They don't have to wear shirts or bras (unless they want to). They can, well... speak to the wee brain (hint hint, nudge nudge) standing up. If they flirt or are cavalier with women, its seen as a badge of honor, not being a slut. They can basically eat twice as much as women and not gain weight. (now I know this isn't true for all men, so don't get all twisted over this analogy.)

I know I don't want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman. Women have definite strengths that men don't. We can wield emotions with confidence, produce offspring and feed them from our breasts. (And believe me, boobs are a powerful weapon). We are the ultimate multi-taskers. We don't shy away from speaking directly when it calls for it. We are more intimate creatures. And we are beautiful.

I guess with Valentines Day coming up, I got into thinking. How many years have I dealt with men treating me l wasn't important? I was an accessory to them as opposed to someone they loved. Why I let things happen for so long and didn't stop it. Its lead me to feeling horrible about myself. Not realizing my accomplishments, and my beauty. But that is at least a stepping stone to being more aware of my beauty and my ability to be loved, by the right person.

But right this minute? I want some of the benefits of being a man. And maybe its because I don't have one in my life, well, an adult version, and thats the only reason I am even thinking about it.

____________________________

And on a very sad sad note, I may have to say goodbye to my camera. I had a very bad fall on Saturday that may have killed my Nikon D-40. Say your prayers... It may be history. Unless the money falls from the sky, I can't afford a new one right now either.

Something happened last month that made me think I was losing my karma. And this was a capper to that prediction.

Thursday, February 7

Depression


I had a horrific dream last night about being in prison. I wonder if that has anything to do with this "illness".

Pills, therapy, yea all that stuff works, it helps the conscious mind cope. But what about the subconscious mind?

Just some thoughts I have rumbling around in the balcony this morning.

edit: a positive thought? at least I am getting longer hours of sleep. for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, February 5

Buddha Board & a Published Father



Who knew, I always needed a buddha board. With a stroke of water, and a minute of time you can create a unique piece of art. And then as it dries, it disappears. Waiting for the next stroke of the brush, calling forth your inner peace.

I don't care if you are an artist or not. This little piece of heaven should sit on everyones desk.

its ZEN-TASTIC!!! peace.

_______________________________________________



and on the opposite side of things, Father Luke has published a small book of his piquant poetry. I am assuming that the battery is not included. :giggles:

Support your grass roots poets, peeps.

Monday, February 4

The Great Interveiwee was Hey Joe!

Well, anyone that reads Citizen of the Month, knows about the interviews. I was the lucky gal who got to interview Hey Joe. Fun blog! The interesting thing about this process is getting to learn about the people whose writing you enjoy. I was interviewed by cookie-bitch.

Here are my questions to Joe.
1. I take it you are a writer. Your blog is very well thought out and literate. When did you realize you liked writing, and how have you fit that into your life?
First of all, thank you for the "well thought out and literate" comment. It's nice to hear that it comes across that way because so often I feel like I slam some of this stuff together and post it when I really should be spending more time revising and thinking about what I want to say. Oh, and working on my grammar and punctuation. My wife is forever sending me notes with corrections! So, anyway thanks for that.

I like to think of myself as a writer, but most of the time I think of myself as someone who's trying to be a writer. Part of my problem is that when I envision a "writer," I always picture that stereotypical someone who writes novels from their beach house, overlooking a stormy sea, a cup of coffee at hand; so far from the reality of it, except perhaps for the coffee. And I don't write anything of any great length either. The idea of writing a novel completely overwhelms me. I can't imagine writing for hundreds of pages about ANYTHING.

I realized that I enjoyed writing and had some sort of calling to it back in high school. I wanted to work for a magazine or something along those lines. That never happened, but after 15 years in insurance I landed a job in corporate communications. So while I technically write for a living, it's not the type of writing that feeds the soul, hence the blog and other projects. But I am thankful to have landed in a position that I actually enjoy. It's very nice to not dread coming to work.

2. Did you ever want to do comedy writing? you have a very dry wit.

I love comedy. Thank you for noticing. To me, stand-up comics are the closest thing to gods, and probably the bravest performers out there. But to answer the question, yes I did and do some comedy writing. I've been writing a somewhat regular humor column for our local small town paper, The Clayton Pioneer, since 2003. Most of what I write is at least an attempt at humor in some way, shape or form. I'm not a very serious person (not always a positive trait).

3. If you could name your biggest influence to your writing style who would that be and why?

That's a tough question. I feel like I'm influenced by so many writers. The author of every book that I've bothered to read more than once; Chuck Kinder, Hunter S. Thompson, Hemingway, Michael Chabon have all written books that I've read multiple times. Dave Barry was a big influence when I first started to try my hand at the humor column. I come across bloggers that are so good at telling stories, a talent that I often feel I lack, that I can't help but admire them and some how be influenced. It's very hard NOT to be influenced when there's so many good writers around.

4. Were you born and raised in California? If not where did you grow up? And what brought you to the west coast?

I was born and raised here in California, yes. A proud San Francisco/ Bay Area native.

5. When you were in high school, what were your dreams of the future? How are they different now?

High school is such a goofy time, but I think had a pretty common vision of my future; career, marriage, family. I think my generation may be one of the last ones to still grow up with that vision, with the idea that you get an education and you get a job and become a productive member of society. Younger generations seem much less interested in playing by those rules. They stay single much longer, travel more, try more things, take more chances. But to answer your question I guess I dreamed that I would be a successful (read rich and famous) writer, but I'm not sure if I knew what success even meant at the time. Ideas and opinions change as we get older. Now my dreams for the future involve getting more sleep, having a little more disposable income, my wife and I having more time for fun, and my children growing up to be happy.

6. How has being a father changed the way you see the world?

This ties in a lot to the last question. Again, I grew up in a different era, having parents that were very much old school in terms of what they expected of me: "education-good job with stable company-productive member of society." My parents never really understood the whole concept of job fulfillment. To them, a job was a means to an end. I always felt that enjoying what you did was the most important thing, even if I never followed my own advice.
As a father, I'm much more interested in helping my kids figure out what they enjoy, what makes them happy. I want them to get an education because you're at a huge disadvantage without it. Even if you never use your degree for your "job," school and education provide more life experience and opportunities that you'd otherwise never have. But I won't push them toward a job or career just because I think it would offer security. I will encourage them to take chances and have experiences and not tie themselves to anything too early in life.

7. Why are you fascinated by celebrities and their lives?

I really have no idea. I guess because I'm intrigued by fame and I find it fascinating that our society seems to care so much about them, myself included.
While I'm certainly not a geeky celebrity stalker type, I do find myself drawn to them somehow. My wife, on the other hand, couldn't care less about so and so. They're just another person so far as she's concerned. I watched a lot of television growing up, much more than she did, so maybe that has something to do with it. They're more a part of my make up. Maybe it's just a jealousy thing.
More interesting is why I'm fascinated with celebrity deaths. I have no answer for this either. I find death intriguing and the idea that people I've grown up knowing, either through movies or television, suddenly are no longer there.

8. What kind of music do you prefer? What was the first album/CD that you purchased?

I have to admit that while I enjoy it, I've never been a rabid fan of any particular music. I guess if I had to choose, I'd probably fall into the "classic rock" category. I like music that I know and can sing along to. I'm just not very interested in discovering new music.

The first ALBUM (yes, I'm old) I purchased was Pink Floyd The Wall. I wasn't really into it though. I found it kind of creepy and weird. Maybe because I hadn't yet reached my pot years. The Wall was a big album when I was in high school and I think I bought it because it was a popular album. I probably listened to it once or twice.

I'm trying to think of what's in my music collection....Joe Jackson, Tom Petty, The Black Crowes, Elvis Costello, Chicago, Green Day, Billy Joel, Jackie Greene, Johnny Cash.

9. What is the one thing you wouldn't want your children to know about you.?

While my kids don't currently read my blog, they do know about it and I'm sure one day they will. As such, I'm not inclined to spill much along those lines. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life. Maybe one day they'll hear about some of them, but if they do I'd rather they hear it from me and not read about it here.


10. If you had to do it all over again, how much of your life would remain the same, and what would you change?


Much would remain the same. Once you have children it's hard to imagine making the decision to go back and NOT have them. But if I could go back, I'd take more chances. I'd make some better choices so as to take back the hurt that I've caused some people in my life. I'd trust myself more and have more confidence in my abilities. I'd certainly travel more, move and live in a few different places before settling in one. Basically just live more without worrying about my security. I blame my parents for that one. :)

Thank you Joe for taking the time to do this. And one thing I am going to say? they will find out about your blog someday! ;-)

Being a parent rocks, except for that "no sleeping, no disposable income, no privacy (even in the bathroom), being asked a million questions, explaining each answer ad nauseum, washing their clothes, feeding them and disciplining them" stuff.

Friday, February 1

Random MeMe

Rebecca has tagged me for the seven random things about you meme. Sorry. More things about me you didn't want to know coming up.

1.) I had an operation for a deviated septum in my early 30's. I never knew you could wad up so much bandages into such a small hole. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for two days. and when he took it out? i almost puked. i breathe a little better now, but he said, you will always have polyps... great!

2.) When I was a little girl, I had a hard time going to sleep because all the dolls in the room my sister and I shared were lined up against the wall, and I felt like they were staring at me. And that they would come alive at night when everyone was sleeping. I hated dolls. (i have a barbie and ken story, but thats only for the personal diary. ken hated barbie, and he told her so.)

3.) I had a really hard time riding a bike as a kid! whenever I got on it I would fall off and get a scab. I was much better on skates. And was pissed, when I worked at the sonic in high school, that I couldn't be the girl out there serving the customer on skates. But seeing as I was probably the smartest of all the chicks that worked there, I had to do the register.

4.) I love to sing. do it all the time. In the shower, in the car, with my kid, making up little songs... Wish I had gotten some training in school, and doing something more professional with it now.

5.) When I was a little girl in grade school, the teacher had a ruler above the chalk board, it was actually just to lay out numbers from 1-100. I remember looking at it time and time again. I had a hard time in school (ADD remember?). And what sticks out in my mind is that while i was looking at it, certain areas of the numbers were darker than others, like shades of grey. (this wasn't actually on the chart this is what my mind created as I looked at it.) I still have a faint memory of it. I always wondered if that was going to be some kind of foreshadowing over my life. which years would be harder than others. seems to be holding true to this day. I am heading out of the dark area now, and no more dark did i see up to 100. interesting huh?

6.) I think I am afraid of ever having a relationship again. I have been physically beaten by men, verbally abused, and walked all over (some of this is my fault,and I realize that). At this point in time, I don't trust myself, and I don't trust men. I am having a hard time being comfortable enough to move on and trust someone. (Oh I lost my virginity at age 19 to a man I didn't even like. hows that for a kicker!? i only did it with him because I didn't want to get attached to anyone. Just wanted to have sex. it sucked. :wink:)

7.) I didn't cry when my pets died. I am not sure why that is. The times I cried was when the dog got so bad with cataracts that she didn't recognize me, and almost bit my hand. Thats when I realized someday she would be gone. Thats when I cried. I even saw the golden retriever get his neck broke while chasing the car (that dog was dumb.. sweeet, but dumb). And I didn't cry till i saw how hurt my dad was. Maybe I am missing a gene.

sheesh. this is REVEAL week isn't it? Did i leave anything out? Now seems to be the time to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I am in "revelation" mode.

edit: i am a total dork. I love that song by the georgia satellites, keep your hands to yourself. :giggles:



happy weekends.

Saturday, January 26

todays thought.

Sometimes we should have the opportunity to make time stand still and embrace the experience for just a min longer. Because we aren't quite ready to let go.

in response to some thoughts i had today. about a man and a girl.

check out the interview. (down arrow here)

Friday, January 25

The Great Interview ala Citizen Neil

Sighs. This is an entry that started with my fav LA Citizen Neil. He started it. Blame him. I commented right after cookiebitch (She is a meaty read, you should check her blog), so she was bestowed the honor of perusing my stamp on the net, and coming up with some questions that will in turn be flavored with my obvious surrealistic, idealistic, un-homogonistic responses.
Onto to the revelation!!!

Questions
1. Your nickname is Memsahib. How did you get that and what does it mean?

I used to be a constant on my all time fav radio station, radioparadise.com. They have a section of forums, journals, all kinds of great music info links, etc. (And some of the finest people I have ever met) One day after a particular "RP Get Together", I mentioned in a forum that I never had a nickname. A fine lady set up a journal taking a poll of what that nick should be. (That was an interesting list!) My Photo Guru Indian friend come up with Memsahib. Mem being my initials, and my Tag on the site,and he added the sahib (memsahib - noun 1. formerly, a term of respect a female white European in colonial India) I resemble that remark. I found out there is a movie i must obtain a copy!

2. You have four blogs - the one I spent the most time is "Not Just Nouns and Verbs." But it also seems you have a blog for your son, a blog for your photography, and a blog for your dreams (which you should link to here when you post this on your site) How did all these blogs come about, in what order, and how do you keep them all straight? Are there other blogs you'd like to begin, and what would they be like?


When I was in College they called me two names; Space Fox and Spaz... I guess only the Spaz stuck. I blame ADD and lack of decent medication. Plus the fact my brain doesn't stop really. MY mind works in shifts. Most times parallel shifts. All thoughts on different tracks and levels,but in the same dimension. Like those multi level checker games... you can you see it? Feel my pain? So i find that instead of keeping a journal, i can get that schmeg out of my head more rapidly online, on different boards.

ANYWAY. I started blogging for the first time when pregnant. The original was very poetic and rich. I was at a low spot then. That blog has actually become my photo blog. I wanted to keep it alive, as there is some good writing over there. I decided to start a fresh one after I moved from TX to CA (obvious reasons) which has become Not Just Nouns & Verbs. The title is descriptive of my style. Always more to know than what is written. Lots of in between the lines. The blog about my son, well, thats obvious! I don't have a lot of time to do writing in a "baby book".

The Wordpress blog, memsahib visions, is where I can say things I wouldn't say here. More hardcore FU kind of land. I sometimes find the need to just get stuff out, that may not be relevant to reality, and I do like to have a little spot i can speak in whispers or shouts. without much fan base.


3. What have you always wanted to blog about, but haven't - either because you're too afraid, it's too controversial, or you just don't know how to do it justice or put it into words?

I really don't hold much back. I have spent many years in recovery and therapy trying to alleviate my self esteem issues. If you ask me I will tell you. I think maybe a more relevant question would be where would I like to see all these come together and what can I accomplish here? Thats the step I am at and contemplating.


4. You write as yourself. But how does your blog (or blogs) differ from you as a person? Is there something people would be surprised to know about you after reading your blogs?


as I said above, there isn't much I hide. I found out one day while staring at myself in the mirror, hiding doesn't suit me. What I need to work on is boundaries! things you may not suspect of me...

a) I lettered my senior year in swimming, the freestyle relay. We had some fast gals in my school.
b) I always wanted to be a DJ. but realized the money would suck. and I didn't like the culture of music at the time.
c) When I was a little girl, my grade school took us to the police station for a day trip. When one of the officers were talking about guns, and gun safety, He showed us what a magnum bullet does to a phone book. A small entry in front and explodes out the back, like a cone. At that very moment, I had to run out of the building and I puked on the front lawn. Ever since then the sound of guns, or gunshots makes me physically ill.
d) I believe in reincarnation.

5. You have a rather lengthy blogroll (which includes me, by the way - thanks!). But if you are having a really busy day, which two blogs can you not live without, and why? What kind of blogs don't you like?

Love the FADDAH. But i go there to read his poetry. Love Post Secrets.

Most others I drift around through.. off and on, i visit them all in a weeks time. Neil ain't too shabby either. (shout out for the citizen)

6. You are into art and photography. How does blogging fit into your artistic endeavors? What artistic itch does blogging scratch?

The way i see things in life isn't really different from other people, but do like putting things together the way someone else may not see it. Through out my life, i have had people say to me you know how to use a unique word in a phrase that makes me stop and think. So i guess its just an ability to blend words and create images. And I am a freakin chatty cathy in real. so... there it is. blah blah blah.

7. What post you are most proud of and why? Show me a link.

I wrote some damn fine poetry. But that muse is history. This piece about companions, well thats my heart right there.


8. What makes your blog (blogs?) unique from others?
not much. except that its mine. and that no one else has put up a pic of themselves doing a kartwheel. Or daydreamed about a guy at the TACO joint.

9. If you were to cast yourself in a movie, who would you choose?

good question! i may have to think about that for a while.

DIANE LANE! from streets of fire. (was going to say Haley berry, but can't for obvious reasons.) I also think I am a bit Stockard Channing too. I would LOVE to be Nicole Kidman, except for all that Christian scientist crap.


10. Who do you admire most, and why?

People that are wise, honest, real, trustworthy, generous, intelligent and honorable. I don't have much use for idols. I prefer the everyman and the daily struggles we all overcome. The everyday heroes. If I had to choose someone whose life I would like to have for a day? Oprah. I want to be able to interview people and have TUNZ of money and influence to do good.

wow. did you make it this far without falling into a coma? YOU friend deserve a scooby snack. thanks to cookie for coming up with some great questions.

Wednesday, January 23

Original



"Kindness cannot be taught by harshness - not by any amount of harshness."
~Raymond M. Smullyan, "The Tao is Silent"

This is an original Melanie. I had a night alone the other night, and actually picked up a pencil and started sketching. How wonderful that was. I can't do that with 1,000,000 questions and needs being tossed at me, faster than I can respond. It was a good beginning.

what do you see? It reminded me of an old poem, Out of the Cave, which I am sure you all have read.

be well. stay focused. forget the pain. namaste.

The weather


Okay. Its finally here. The weather that I have been missing since I left TX. We are forcasted for rain all week long. WOOO HOOO!

Go weather, make it wet. Real wet. Want to see flowing streams this summer when I start taking the mini me on hikes. Time to get him out of doors and moving!

note to self: buy little guy his own umbrella. and maybe some wellies.

Tuesday, January 22

Interrupted due to Visitors & Illness




Sorry about the delay of decent posting in these here parts. I am sick as a dawg, and had my family visiting this weekend! Thats my bro and his nephew.

Hope all had lovely weekends. Another post coming soon. Have a few thoughts about traveling. Wondering how I can get to all the places I want to go.

ttfn

Wednesday, January 16

The Tink Sporks.



Thank you to Ms. Tink for the shout out. I don't mind being compared to a spanish soap. Always thought of myself as a surrealist. i see it as a compliment.

Tuesday, January 15

When

When did talking to someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings, with no expectation or commitment, become a crime? A reason to isolate someone from your life?

Have we gotten so disconnected that we dont have any feelings whatsoever? I asked the angels the other day to keep the people out of my life that cant be friends to me. Always be ready for what you ask for.

I really feel sorry for my little man. He wont have a world of compassion or truth. He wont have the magic we learned in the sixties or seventies. People are self absorbed and imperialistic. I pray that one day without religion, or prejudice, i will be able to help restore the faith of people in the power of connection within each other.

Monday, January 14

Time


Today, I am thinking about time. We have been put on time clocks at work. I am no good at time constraints. Believe me when I tell you this. I don't know if its the discipline of it, or the fact that I believe the measurement of time is a freaking joke. Time is an illusion people. No matter what "time" we place a sunset or a sunrise, it still happens. Time is a measurement so WE human beings feel like we are in control of something. A comfort level of sorts. So the bean counters can calculate what it costs. So managers have a handle on employees. So that everyone can meet somewhere at a specific "time".

I know measuring it is necessary and reasonable. To label this space with increments we call time. But truly it makes me laugh when I think about how insane it is that people get so worked up over it. You can't change things by timing them. You only place them in a slot so you feel like you have some control over the infinite universe we live in.

So have you wasted enough "time" reading this? then go. ponder. realize what time means to you. I would love a life to do things in the way they approach without a time constraint. How much would that reduce our stress? Oh well. EFFICIENCY!!!!!

Its all an illusion set to rolling by those that want to define and delegate. Not by mannerist artists like myself.

Take that. CARL SAGAN! where are you now? What do you think about time?

(Saw him speak one time in Dallas. Impressive how many people asked him question did he believe there was life on other planets. His final response, and not in a frustrated manner, "There is no proof of life on other planets. We should worry about life on this planet instead of proving there is life on another. What about ignorance and poverty?", he replied. Carl was a wise one.)

Tuesday, January 8

Resolutions


I could write down a list of resolutions, make up some kind of babble about what I want from myself this year. But I know me. The real me is flaky, idealistic, full of love and hope. She doesn't want to be pinned down by inability. I have chosen to believe in myself again. My resolution is to keep her safe. To make her a healthier mom. She needs to give more with a smile than with a scowl.

Hence If there was a list?
Healthier foods. Make sure to put them in there.
Take opportunities when they cross my path.
Learn to not fight the endings.
Continue to embrace the new beginnings.
Make sure the people I love know that I love them.
Train a young man to respect women.
Find a smile in the eyes of another.
Pray.

Get some sex. Hell yea! And sing loudly so that I can spread the word, i deserve to be loved. and worshiped. not treated like a painting on a wall.

Nuff said, compadres!

and father? I promise by the end of the month, I will belly up to the bar and put up me playing a little ditty on the guitar! just for you cuz youz so sexy! :giggles: :cool:

Friday, January 4

The New Year

Happy New Year all my buddies! Sorry I have been slacking in my duties. I was having a vacation from all serious endeavors, and thought. Just playing with a kid and making merry.

Resolutions to come. Just wanted to put up an update. For now.

happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy...

Monday, December 24

Happy Holidays

our tree

this is my little corner all decorated.

things to do:
make someone smile,
be at peace with the world
take lots of pictures
be grateful and giving

things to remember:
there is always someone worse off than you are
you can find love in every moment
everything happens for a reason
not all presents come in boxes with bows

I hope everyone has a lovely and safe holiday.
happy holidays cyber family.

xoxo

Tuesday, December 18

its raining!



The phrase from the song, it never rains in southern california is so true. BUT, Today? Its raining! For the last day and a half we have had big fat raindrops. I love the rain, don't you? I just wish I was at home (instead of at work) curled up with a blanket and a good... book. yea! :-)

giggles...

Monday, December 17

Orca sighting



Ok. So. My coworker goes out to the channel islands regularly to fish and surf. He came across a pod of killer whales this weekend! They normally don't come down this far. But here is the evidence. Enjoy! (and don't rip the pix. they are his. thanks!)

Saying Goodbye

To a dear friend. I won’t explain, its not my case to reiterate. They know what has transpired. The way things have gone down. I wasn’t someone they had “time” for anymore.

It sucks when you get to a point in your life and realize that no one has chosen you. My heart hurts today. I will always be me. I hope that doesn’t end up keeping me without a partner the rest of my life.

Friday, December 14

I need Moses...

These words are haunting me today and I don't have much understanding why. I think this is going to take a few days to settle.... at least the next 24 hours. I don't feel particularly unhappy or lonely today. or yesterday for that matter. I did talk to a very lonely person last night though. It makes me wonder why people would shame themselves in the name of love. We all crawl out of that cave eventually i guess. Some of us never have to deal with it. Lucky creatures. Anyway, here are the words. Patty sure can pen a tune, eh what?

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
I don't necessarily buy any key to the future or happiness,
But I need a little place in the sun sometimes or I think I will die.

And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
With an empty apartment and a best friend who is a queer.

Every time I see him he smiles and he tells me how well he's walking these miles,
But I he never ever asks a single thing about me,
If I die, he'd hear about it eventually.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
Go home to an empty apartment and call a best friend who is a queer.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.

Patty Griffin ~ Moses

Thursday, December 13

Dougnuts and Colin

I love Thursdays. I hate Thursdays... They give us doughnuts on Thursdays at the office. Muffins, bagels and doughnuts. I think I have a "homer simpson" thing about doughnuts. I can't not eat them (as the wee one used to say). I am going to plan that into my diet on Thursdays. And eat like a rabbit the rest of the the day.

I have said this before. Colin Firth. I have NO idea why he does it for me, but that man... ooo yea. I had a dream about him. It was strange, and he was single. I was house sitting. One of his two cats hated me! And there was this incredible crystal snow globe that was 2 feet in diameter at least. It was encircled by a patina-ed brass ring with knobs that you used to rotate it. It was shielded in the back by a deep blue enameled brass sheet, curved to fit the globe. Star scene painted into the enamel. Inside the globe was a scene representing some kind of village, but all I could focus on was the figurine in the middle. Not a cherub really but a winged creature, and childlike.

As he was looking at it I touched his back. He turned around and gave me a far away look, and picked up his suitcase and left. As he exited I watched him from the window. Another scene came about and we were acting in a movie together. It was set in New England, and the time of the pilgrims.

ok. whatever. I just had to get it out of my head. Colin is NOT a very good kisser. :giggles:

Monday, December 10

SO.. i am a blogger SLOTH!

meh. I never made it around to creating a video of the waytoolong named entry. So, Father, send me that Robert Earl Keen MP3. I will record it for my very own blog. That way just my readers can be "bemused" by my haunting voice and huge headed son acting goofy with me!

want to make a bet I don't do it? or... come on. lets see the wagers! (i need incentive)

more insanity to come. believe me. :wink:

Friday, December 7

christmahanukwanzaakah online holiday concert

Ok. I don't know if any of you click on my links (as I am a complete outdated dork who doesn't have the know how to create a blog roll/rss feed thingie). One of my "blog reads" is Citizen Neil. Neilochka lives and writes in LA. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Other times he doesn't.

I got an email that was from Neil. He said, you have to submit your song by Sunday night. I was all like, WHAAT? Seems that I had made a comment on his entry two weeks ago that I would record a song... yikes. By Sunday night. Double yikes. But after the initial scaredy cat reaction, I started thinking about what song I could sing.

Yea I am going to do this! I think I may even get the kid involved wearing his santa hat!!

so dear readers. Give me some suggestions. Run Run Rudolph? Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas? Something from the old Rudolph program? Give me suggestions! Then check over at Citizen Neils place on Monday to see the results.

this should be way fun! hi HOOOO. hi ho hi ho its off to the mall we go... :giggles:

Tuesday, December 4

oooo DREAMWEAVER....

Thank the holy universal energies that lead me to the place where I am standing today. Can I get a namaste from the crowd!?

I have a great job. Well, I work for a pretty good company. It has its problems for lots of reasons I WONT go into, but there are a lot of benefits too. One of them being is the allotment for education. My boss agreed to pay for us to learn Dreamweaver. We need a website built for one of our divisions. I looked and looked for a classroom setting, but none that I could take at night, or during the day. What I did find was another COOL website allowing me access to video tutorials 24-7.

lynda.com

For all my graphic buddies? The Lynda.com Online Training Library® is a worthwhile investment. A plethora of video tutorials for any freaking graphic program under the sun at a reasonable price. I am just lucky enough that my company paid for it. I have made it through Photoshop CS2 basics, and Photoshop CS2 for digital SLR. Now I am working on Dreamweaver 8 Basics. I have three more classes I would like to skate through by Feb 2008. Photoshop for Web, and 2 Advanced Dreamweaver classes. This may not be the way everyone likes to get their education. Some people need "materials" they can hold. (I am starting to live my life in the "less is more" style.) In my vision of the future, its definitely going to be built into the budget as a yearly expense of my forthcoming company. I think the amount of information and the accessibility is an invaluable tool to any designer.

That being said, look for an upgraded site for the ole' memsahib in 2008. Time to get SERIOUS about developing a site for my future endeavors.

I hope you all can get some use out of these links. I am always looking to learn something new. They do have some photo tutorials on there as well.

Edumacate yourself. ;-)

Monday, December 3

My new FAV site.

I am a budding new photographer. I have had my camera less than one year. I don't have but one lens. I don't have any filters or accessories. Its not like I don't want them I just don't have the money for it.

Anyway, a good friend (who takes pictures) pointed me to this site, Photosig. Its a site where people critic your work! Now. I used to be the kind of person that would whimper and retreat when I got critiqued. Now, its the most useful info I can receive. Check it out sometime. I have put up a few photos and only one got a bad review, and one got no comment at all. But out of 8 photos, in my uneducated opinion, that is a damn good ratio!

Anyway. I find it fun to start looking at this passion as something that could be profession someday, in some way. I don't want to rely on it to make a living, but a monetary return, so that I could buy some new equipment? yea. thats the ticket.

So, check out Photosig, its pretty darn cool. Beware, there are sharks in the water there too. Just don't let yourself bleed to death over it.

edit: have you noticed how teenagers act so much more "entitled" these days?