You know? I don't mind rejection. Well, I say that. It hurts. But only if you let it. I watch the world around me and feel like I haven't ever been a part of something others have. I don't know what that is, but it feels like alienation. Not from my own hand. I get out there and lay my soul on the line everyday. I like that. Its who I am. But when you keep getting run over or stepped over or pushed down, you get tired. You become distrustful. And even the most well intentioned person becomes a potential source of agony to my already waning spirit. When did people stop accepting each other for who they really are? And not judge them by a specific set of illusionary "rules" they deem fit to place upon someone else?
Why all of the sudden is there so much rejection in my life? Is it a passing phase? Am I learning something new? What is it that I am seeking actually? The avoidance thing doesn't work but cutting out my online connections is helping. For some reason, I put too much emotion into my friendships on line. I am too emotional after all, but its who I am. That wont change. I would hope that after 46 years (well, actually 47 because my bday is in 10 days) on this planet, I would have learned how to deal with it. Or maybe its a gift that I will never have a heart of stone.
My life is in a phase of turmoil. I find myself wanting to hide and not be with anyone at all. I allow myself to think I am a lost soul. Until I can find some peace within myself, I am merely tethered to the planet. As I was walking back from doing laundry yesterday afternoon, I had the sensation of not being in my body anymore. I inhabit a different place. Maybe its the fact I don't have any time for myself. Is it the fear of being broke? How am I going to deal with the reality of my son and the rising costs of supporting him? I feel that the world is crashing in on me and I have nowhere to turn.
In all this self analysis I find there is really NOTHING to complain about. My life is sweet in comparison to so many. I have lovely son that is healthy and whole. I have a good job in paradise. I get free coffee every day. My car is paid for and running. I have enough clothes to get me through the week without doing laundry. I have full function of all my limbs and a fairly intact mind. And a good source of food at my disposal whenever I feel hungry.
Maybe I need not write any of this out here and just get on with things. I am working on making me a better person. Thats the best I can do. But damn, I sure could use a crane to remove some of the burden for a few days a month. And If I was a gambling gal? I would bet thats going to happen the day before monkeys fly.
Yea. I used to be a purely positive person. But I guess thats my son's job now. :wink:
the father wrote:
ReplyDeleteRejection?
My expectations are so ridiculously
low that I am never disappointed by rejection.
Chin up.
- -
Okay,
Father Luke
Father:
ReplyDeleteExpectation. Well? I expect people to mean what they say. how hard is that?
if thats all I ask, then, what is there left?
are you in my head?
ReplyDeleteSorry, it's kind of cavernous in here.
This is exactly what makes us healthy, this self-doubt. It makes us human. So I totally get where you're coming from. We all do. I also just want to give you a hug and let you know that you are an amazing person worth so much, and that life will give you something good.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) if ya were closer Id take ya out to see some male strippers..
ReplyDeleteI'd bring you chocolate and wine.
ReplyDeleteflutter: well, we seem to draw from the same pool at times.
ReplyDeleteJay: No doubt about it. Thanks for the affirmation.
Goddess: sweet.. I say we drink margaritas and play pool.
Liz: Ah. Lets do strawberries and champagne poolside. I will provide the cabana boys!
I think writing and sharing are the best ways to alleviate any pains. Not just because you've gotten it out, but because you'll find you're not alone. Editing yourself is the hardest habit to break. Let it flow. I'm listening...and relating ;o)
ReplyDelete