Down at the Crossroads.

Challenge on. I would love to be this lonely guy for a day.

As I pull up into the parking lot of The Crossroads, I almost hit this tall blonde babe and her friend walking towards the door. She gives me that oblivious to the world, go to hell look gorgeous women seem to have down to an art. As she turns around, I noticed her thong under those jeans. Wonder what else she has going on under there? Promising.

I downshift the GTO into the nearest spot, grab my pool cue and jump out. Mind talk as I walk towards the door. Rodger owes me a buck or two and it was payday. Ohh yea - Crusty bastard is on duty tonight and will "buy" us a couple of shots. And a possible blonde with matching carpet? The night was righteous already.

Walking past the bouncer, "Hey Tiny! Is anything around?"

"You know Wiley, he is the coyote of the place. He walked in a bit skitzy an hour ago. Back bar I believe"

"Thanks Tiny"

I squeeze in through the first room jam packed with glamatoids. The usual Friday night bar band was off key in the background covering some old techno tunes. Why can't we get any good music in this town? I kept moving towards the first bar.

"Hey Hippie... pass the brew."

"Slacker!!!! Always a pleasure to see a consummate conniving bastard like yourself slumming down here at The Crossroads freak show."

"Thanks Sage. Can you saddle me up a whiskey shot too?"

"Whats the verdict Knob? Woodford?"

"Lets do a Makers for tonight. Follow me up with a Shiner. And get yourself one."

"Done. I think you got an idea there. Gracias."

I pass the earnings over to the older gentleman wearing a tye-die shirt saying Achieve World Peace (kill everybody).

"Now Sage? Someone might think you were on a mission wearing that rag on your chest. Have an argument with the old lady?"

"You know how she is. All talk no action. Another freakin day in paradise! Lets do these shots."

Laughter then drinking. We share a smile the working masses know all too well on a friday night.

"You got your cue with ya. Is it ass spankin time?"

"Is there any good competition in the house?"

"King Louis just walked in with his entourage. He has been drinking heavily."

Louis really was the king. He was an aging pool star with the style of Ray Martin. Just playing with the man was a lesson in itself. I never relinquished an opportunity to be on the same table. Legend. A real legend. But his drinking was getting worse and he was getting sloppy. I had been trying to stick a cue up his ass for a couple of years, only to be repeatedly spanked, shot down, humiliated. I knew one day the booze and the women would take its toll. It was just a matter of time before I bested him.

"Off to rattle his cage. Get yourself a blow job - loser!" Smile and slam Russell's tip down on the bar.

"Good Luck, Johnny" Russell shouts. I cruise through the beaded curtain to the back room.

I hear the beads rustling as my cue makes it through the curtain. The jukebox is playing Hollywood Nights by Bob Seger. I look across the smoky room and there sits the King, smoking a Cohiba and drinking bourbon. My kinda guy. I hate that bastard. And who is on his arm? Blonde. Parking lot. Damn.

The guys are waving me over like a bunch of chimpanzees. Obviously they had been there a while. "Johnny, OVER HERE!"

So much for a quiet entrance. Now for the attack. Chest out. Eyes averted and wolf-like. I approach the reason for the evening in a style that fits the room. Ready for anything.

Watching

diggin my photoshop skillz? "melanie magritte".... giggles


Its going to be dream week. The citizen asked me once why I didn't just put all my blogs on one space. Well some weeks that would be best. Others I would have a few posts a day. This is all an experiment anyway, so I am going to try to consolidate and focus. HA.

Another dream this morning I remember only part of it. I was out to dinner with some friends, all women. One of them had a boyfriend of hers show up. He was the kind of man that was manipulative, dense and self absorbed. She was following him around outside the restaurant like a puppy dog. He wasn't a mean man, just would use passive control to get her attention. Handing her flowers, telling her bad jokes, making sure she was following him.

My friends and I were "gossiping" about the situation. Watching this show... Saying, when is she going to see what is going on here? We all love her so much but she is making a big mistake. What are we going to say to her? Now I don't know how many men out there have sat through one of these bull sessions listening (or participating) to women discussing the "man" who is dissing a friend, it can get a bit too introspective, analytical down right bitchy. This was no exception. I was getting nervous.

side note about that: I get nervous in groups of women talking men like that, or anyone for that matter. I start to worry about what they are saying about me, karma, and what if people could actually hear what we are saying. I don't like saying things in private I wouldn't say outright to someones face. And I am not a vindictive person. I don't exact revenge. I get damn angry and spit fire sometimes... but thats a temper tantrum only. My days of throwing things out of windows are over. (another blog entry later).

So back to the dream. She is walking around and around. She is a dark haired friend. He has handed her two gerber daisies. She puts them over her eyes. I remember the day was sunny. They were bright orange. She is holding the daisies so it looks like she has daisies for eyes. He was waking away from her to the parking lot murmuring something just to hear himself speak. We whispered to her, what are you doing with this man? She said, "I love him, but I am not in love with him. I need to keep him around till the real thing comes along. I would have nothing if he wasn't here."

We all looked at each other and realized we have done that at one point or another. I got up and left the table. I was thinking to myself. Do I have flowers in front of my eyes too? What kind of flowers am I holding up?

Knowing me? Daffodils or Daisies. Heck that gal could have been me. Time to rethink a few friendships. You know I spend a lot of time in dream land and see very specific images. Its really a blessing. I am thankful.

Dreams

I normally type my dreams out on my Dream blog. I don't do that as much anymore. This life has gotten crazy, and I don't have the best "organizational skills". If I did, there wouldn't be forgotten birthday cards, Kid would be enrolled in camp, etc.

Last nights dream has begun to fade. But in the dream I was at a crossroad. The same road, over and over again. I remember it was on top of a hill. It was a sunny day. I stopped at the road, looking around at the houses around me. I recognized my town, but not the houses. This was a new corner for me. I would approach the intersection from the same side over and over again. No cars one time. One car another time. But sunny and nothing to be worried about. I would cross the street then the dream would move on to another section. After that brief segment, I would be back on the same corner, and crossing the street again. Same time, same position, same lighting, same grass, same houses, same motion with my head.

Now, my first reaction was that I am at a crossroads. Its time to cross a road regarding something. I don't know where it is I am going. The segments in between these crossings involved a cabin with some friends, sleeping and partying. One of the scenes was a hotel where I was with some family. I don't know how all this interacts. But it does.

One of the interesting thing about my dreams is that in time all these elements make sense. They come to life in some way and I am enlightened to what it was trying to tell me. The pain in the ass is that I don't get it right away when I see the pictures.

I believe its time for me to get back into the studio and start doing artwork again. I need the relief. And the inspiration. And the outlet. Art is a part of what makes me who I am. Time to reconnect. Maybe thats what this dream is telling me.

ANYWAY! Its Wednesday, I keep thinking its Tuesday, and I have just enough clean clothes that I don't have to do laundry till Friday! now THAT is accomplishment for me this week. SAD... very very sad.

gotta get a life. :wink:

What do Kids Know?

Our morning began with the investment of filling up my gas tank, then stopping at the doughnut shop for his breakfast. I mentioned to my son, maybe we should get a few extra doughnut bites for his buddy N.

The lil guy says, "If he is at school" then pulls his long face and a sigh.

I said, "I bet he is back today. He has been out a long time".

Sure enough he was. We walk in and N's mom says we were just talking about you! Funny how they were kind of shy at first. Following with smiles and sharing books and stories. Interesting to watch them interact, building a "best friend" ship with each other. He had been out sick all week long. They missed each other so much, we had to have a 45 minute phone call the other night. They were making farting noises, laughing, talking about Spiderman and the Power Rangers. The little guy has even made a friend with the little girl that lives upstairs. But she is no N.

After realizing I no longer existed in my sons eyes for the moment, I left for work. N has a little sister G. She is about one year old. N's mom and I were walking to the parking lot talking about our getting together for the weekend, what times, etc. G looks at me and reaches her little arms out for a hug wanting me to hold her. What a sweetie. Holding little beings just so they can be held and loved is so relaxing. And affirming.

What do children know? They know how to live in the moment. Be in that space comfortably and assuredly. Something most adults find difficult to do. Today I affirmed a long ago decision that I want to work with children somehow. They aren't simple and easy, but they sure do have a loving touch. And its normally unconditional. A little more expensive than a pet, but well worth it for the education.

go git one yursef. or even better, make one. *giggles*


weekend news:

I hope you all have wonderful weekends. Mine starts with the festival at the mission with my good friends J & C. Then as you know, a cook out. Then Sunday... the long awaited Indiana Jones movie! (love that song. LOVE it) and then playing in the park and an early night. And Monday? The relaxing sounds of the waves. all... day... long!!!!!

take care and make memories. I will be here on Monday for a memorial day post. ciao.

The Harvest & an approaching Holiday

One of the wonderful things about living in Southern California? There is an abundance of fresh produce. And I mean from down the road fresh. Today when I got back from having lunch there was a van with some fresh produce in the parking lot. I got half a flat of strawberries for $8.

mmmmmm fresh ripe strawberries. I love summer in California.

Combine that and the cheap charcoal grill I just got in time for the weekend, (thanks CC),

I just might have some strawberry margaritas and grilled fish tacos this holiday weekend... who wants to join me?

Bring chips, salsa and a homemade ice cream machine if you have one. Remember spending holiday weekends cranking the ice cream maker? Putting in the ice and rock salt? That is one of my favorite holiday memories. Besides being at the pool or the ocean. Being sunburned from playing outside all day, and anxiously awaiting home made ice cream.

Maybe strawberry ice cream? or mango? What goes best with fish?

I gots me machine!!!

So, my G5 had gone into the shop for the third logic board replacement. I would have done that third one sooner, but I am LAZY! (never underestimate the power of true LAZE).

I called Apple after dropping it off to the mac geeks I have grown to know and love (The group of 20-30 year old mac geek guys that love talking shop and how great macs are). I said, Apple? We have a problem. Love my G5, but the wiring is shorting out my logic board. And I didn't need the Mac Mechanics to tell me that. :wink: After shuffling and some bantering, I finally was transfered to the right people on the phone. Customer Care. I am talking to "Josh" (i don't remember the first person I spoke with) I say, "Josh baby? I got one month left on my warranty, and I got a machine that eats logic boards. The guys at the repair shop told me to contact you because this isn't normal for a Macintosh. And they told me, that Apple replaces machines that have continuous problems. What are you going to do for me? I don't want to be stuck having to buy a new machine because this one was faulty to begin with."

Josh says, "Let me put you on hold for a few minutes and evaluate your case and come up with some options. (Many minutes later.) What I can do for you is give you my name , my extension and we will take this on a case by case basis. If something comes up you can contact me directly and I will make sure you are taken care of."

I giggle. "Josh, how long have you worked for Apple? And how long are you going to work for Apple? And, God forbid, what if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? Then who do I contact for the "case by case" arrangement? I am sorry that I waited this long to take it in, but that shouldn't be an issue seeing as its happened three times in 2 years. If I had known about this I would have saved myself 1000 bucks and bought a PC. But I have always loved the reliability of a Macintosh. So. Why don't you just extend the warranty for another year and we will see what happens in that time."

"Well, let me put you on hold for a few minutes to make a decision and I will be right back with you." More time on hold. "Ms. Melanie? I am going to replace your machine. We here at Apple want our customers to be satisfied. We are only shipping out our Mac Pro machine. But we will match your memory and all existing peripherals. I will pass your info on to the replacement division, and someone will contact you to complete this transaction."

Well thank you Josh! That is the response I wanted from the beginning. I had to do a bit of dancing and firm jolly dealing, but I got a much better machine with an airport card built in (that I didn't have before). And the fan doesn't whir so loud like a train as in my old machine. It came to my house last week. I am in love.

For those Mac addicts that are concerned about software crossover, the current Rosetta software built into the Mac really is seamless. I can run all my programs without a hitch. I do know that software being developed wont be. I had to purchase something for work to run on my old G4 and it doesn't run (man its really hard to work on a klunky machine at your job when you have a race car at home).

Okay. Round two with the new Mac. You can bet I am going to purchase Applecare again for $250. Its the best money I think I have ever spent. Well, pretty darn close.

Power Mac Turbo Force, GO!!!!!!!! (too much power rangers in my house this week. ick.)

I don't have Cable TV

HA!!!!

All you addicts... I gave up the TV for the summer. I do NOT miss it. Sitting in my office listening to my coworker and another person talking about "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars". Who is going to win? Isn't she a cow? Why did he do THAT song?

I mean come on. Who really cares. The one thing this week I was upset for not seeing was the earthquakes. I know its probably overdone on CNN and other news stations. Thank you NPR for keeping me informed.

I am happy that I don't feel the stress of "keeping up to date" with whatever inane reality show is on. I plan on going without for a long time if we can handle it. Funny you used to be able to get at least public television without cable. Those days are gone.

My mind suck currently comes from Jewel Quest II, thank you very much. That being said, don't even ask me to give up my internet... oh no.. don't even. How else am I going to find fun stuff like this song about boobs? I still haven't figured out twitter yet, thankfully. AND I am all about chatting. :wink:

OK enough. Carry on you slaves to your cable distributors. I think I will read a book.

Happy Mothers Day

A Mother's Prayer

Help me dear Lord, as a mother, I pray
And bless these hands folded in prayer today;
May they be ever strong as they guide, as they teach,
Being never too far for a child to reach.
May they never, with selfishness, try to dissuade,
Nor too quickly punish, nor too slowly aid.
May they point out the pleasures in laughter and song,
And may they show, wisely, the right from the wrong,
So that one day I'll know that I've helped all I can
To make her a woman, to make him a man.

- Mary A. Loberg

Happy Mothers Day to all Moms, near and far. May this day bring you together with your children. And may you all smile and enjoy each others lives.

May peace come to mothers whose sons and daughters are not with them for any reason.

I went to San Diego and got sick

A trip I thought was going to be a really nice calm relaxing trip... turned out making me sick. I haven't been here because me and the little man were under the weather. A three day cold we caught from my brother.

Anyway, Sea World was amazing. I would have spent the whole day and night there, but there were reasons why we couldn't. If you click on my photos you will see some of the images I shot there.

These turned out the most intriguing to me. There is no alteration to the photos except for the lightness or darkness of them.



Shamu was awesome~! The penguins looked sedated. And they had puffins in the same exhibit. These Whales... well, it was like watching ghostly embryos underwater. I am glad to have my camera back.

In other self pity news...

I am really sad this week... someone has decided to leave my life without a good explanation. Someone I thought highly of. Whom I guess doesn't think so highly of me.

It hurts when you are a part of something then someone makes a decision to change things... and forgets how much it is going to affect you and/or hurt you and shows no signs of caring. I wish i didn't have feelings. Life would be so much easier.

Fair and Relaxing Ocean Waves

We went to the Fair from 12:30 to almost 7:30. And it was hot. The kid wasn't into the rides too much, but his little buddy was! We found a shady spot and hogged the table for a good part of the day. I was the only adult in our group that got on a ride. I had to ride this one. HAD to.. it intrigued me all day long... calling me to it. That feeling of flying through the air, with hardly any restraint. Once I got past the "unsafe" feeling, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.



The buddies rode the train a few times. They went to get on other rides, but my little guy was kind of scared. But finally they rode this ride 4 times. It was a simple ride. The cars were going around in a small circle then whipping around the corner. They laughed the entire time.



We spent to much money on BAD fried food, like corn dogs and fried cheese. And too much money playing cheesy rip off games trying to win stuffed sharks. We ate peanuts, funnel cakes, corn dogs, roasted corn, shaved Ice with mango, passion fruit and banana syrup, Lots of water, caramel apple, kettle corn, and bar-b-que. And lemonade. I was burnt out by 7:30.

Then on Sunday to the Beach for a much needed day of sitting and watching the waves. And the seals. And the people. And the dogs. and the kids... laying under the umbrella. I still need some sleep today and not likely.



Summer is coming.Time for the beach. And that sounds like heaven to me. I love beach time. Haven't had any sleep this weekend. I will write a more creative and intriguing entry soon. In the meantime, enjoy the sounds of the sea. (click below)

THEIVES!!!

I have recently been perusing the illustration blogs trying to get some inspiration to start painting and illustrating again. Today I came across a blog by an illustrator named Luc Latulippe through another illustrator named Chad Covino. (Both extremely talented people).

A company in Hong Kong has downloaded his entire blog, published it in China and is selling it online. D*MN!!!!

Beware. You never know who is out there stalking and plagiarizing. I am not so sought after, but others may be. Be informed. and stay abreast of information about web thieves.

Good Luck Luc and Chad!

Do Carnivals Need Themes?

Peace, Love and Unity. (I guess they do.) People are encouraged to wear tie dye and the whole sixties gear. Yea right. Our community has a lot of activities. Its a great place for kids. Have I mentioned that at all before? And seeing as I am just a big kid this is heaven for me!

Now, for a week, it is the Santa Barbara Fair & Expo. Grooovy baby. Buy a wristband so you can ride all the torturous and rickety carnival rides at one price. I am excited about taking the little one! Fried stuff, ice cream, things that go whirling about, bad carny games, laughing kids and entertainment too. The entertainment, besides the local bands and dancers, includes fire spinners, a hypnotist and a magician. I haven't seen a magician in a long time. I have never seen a live hypnotist. I don't know that the kid will sit through the hypnotist, but magician? heck yea!

When was the last time you rode on one of these!?



You can bet your butt that I am on that ride! We are going on Saturday with a friend and her son, family, etc. That will be the only day I will get to test my nautious levels.

In other words, look for pictures! I can't wait to potentially drop the camera at this event on Saturday. You know I am going to max out that memory card! We are going tonight for a teaser, cuz the kid is dying to get close to the ferris wheel but not on it. I am going to try to get him on it. Not sure its going to happen. Fingers crossed.

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we are so glad you could attend come inside come inside.... :cheesygrin:

me new Lens

the camera is back. wooo hoo!!! I haven't taken it out of the house yet (i am a little nervous). I shot some things around the house. These dahlias deserve a little better treatment, but this wasn't too bad. I hope to get out tomorrow night to the fair, and get some REALLY fun shots.

more to come! mem hearts her nikon.

New Sounds

ok... WE moved. yea yea you know. Our old place was wonderfully quiet. I got used to the sounds of the "others" in my old place and could sleep through it. The upstairs guy occasionally bounced around. There was the schnozzle horn guy every morning at 730. I could hear everyone peeing or drying there hair in the last place. Don't have to worry about that anymore either, thankfully. The old sounds are gone. We are on to a new set of audible environmental wonders.

In the new place, we have a dog that lives in the house next door. This pooch hates being outside and being alone. He doesn't bark thankfully. But he does moan. Like he is in pain. Sounds like emotional pain. Poor thing. My kid yells this morning, Shut up DAWG!!! :giggles:

We are close to the freeway. About 1/8 of a mile. A new ocean tide kind of sound. Thank God for double pained windows. Smart landlord.

We have two ladies living upstairs. A young girl that lives with them a few days a week. The young girl that lives up there comes and goes a lot late at night. And the girl next door, she parks her car outside my window. (THAT is going to stop real quick. She is testing me I can tell. I don't want to be pissy. I just don't want to look out my window at her car!)

So sounds at home. And now? They are doing construction on our side of the offices for the last two months. BANG BANG BANG CRASH!!! all day long.

I am looking at prices for a zen retreat where no one says or does much of anything that makes noise.

Does anyone remember Ren & Stimpy?

Stimpy you are getting on my last nerve ending!!!

its CLEAN!

Friday night, Saturday day, and part of Sunday I cleaned out my old place. Out from the old and into the new. Finally moved. woo hoo!!!!

my ankle hurts. my back hurts. my head hurts. I think I picked up a cold. *sniffle sniffle* but its DONE~

Done, done, and I'm on to the next one... :whistles:

Earth Day

You know, I am not a "tree hugger". But I do believe in giving back to the earth that gives us so much. I wish i was more pro-active in my attempts to lessen my footprint on the planet. But we are all works in progress.

Our town is having an all day Festival! Come and join us. You can imagine how much trash that event is going to generate. :giggles:

I hope we all find time in our lives to recycle when possible and realize that fossil fuels aren't worth fighting over. There are alternatives. The money and lives exhausted on this fossil fuel war is overwhelming and depressing. Its affecting the temperament of our society. Imagine if we used those lives and that cash for research and development of alternative means of power. We would be an even bigger world wide power, a more positive and impactive influence on our planet.

Off the soap box. Enjoy your weekends and be kind to your mother.... EARTH.

Randomized.

Things rattlin around the top drawer.

• Here's your Dork Badge: I am a DORK! Someone is trying to start a website. I may have to be the entertainment director. I seriously find myself saying, what a dork, most of the day while fumbling around trying to appear "together".

• Lately I have been thinking, maybe I should be fucking the comatose. Then you don't have to worry about the "feedback" aspect. Or "pleasing" someone else.

• Thank God for services transfered. Blame the devil for the "extra deposit needed".

• Four year olds are awesome unless you are packing to move. Then, they want to see what is in ALL the boxes, even though its just stuff they ignore EVERYDAY!!!! And now that we are in our new place? He will unpack it where it stands, find the one thing he wants, then leave the rest in a heap.

• I am avoiding some projects in my life because I don't want to be successful at them. I don't want the responsibility of success. I want a quiet simple life with good roll of toilet paper and a "low feedback" aspect lover or roomie.

• In my new house we don't have cable. I am tired of the noise. I find that the kid wants to be outside for a few mins when we get home. I am happy to do that with him. not much of an outside to play in, but... we aren't watching TV.

• I love my new place. I feel motivated to be doing things now that we have space. its amazing to feel like being at home. I didn't feel that way in our old place. (which i still have to clean up.... YIKES)

• Bad clam chowder sucks. You know the type with chewy inedible clams? And if you have had a really good bowl of chowder, you KNOW what I mean. Bad clam chowder is like octopus sushi. Whats the point?

One more day till friday! :dances around her office: and its free bagel and fresh fruit thursday. booooyeah....

My New Space

Whose spanky new House & Gardens style kitchen is that? Can you say MINE!? Hallelujah our little family has a new home.

I moved to California 2 years ago. I took the first place that came up. I found a great place to live but it was a studio apartment. Big enough for a small boy and a mom. He grew, as kids often do, and we were busting at the seems. I started looking for a larger place. Not knowing if I could afford to stay here, I was half hearted about the search. Its an overwhelming feeling of knowing you may not be able to stay safely in atown you love due to finances. I trusted the forces that guided me here in the first place to continue to provide. I started cruising the Craigslist for weeks looking. I found our new apartment on a lark.

I went to look at an apartment I knew I couldn't afford with out financial help and didn't have a very good feeling about the space. I did have a really good feeling about the realtor. She is fantastic. After looking at the apartment, I kind of looked at her sadly saying, I am just not feeling it. She says, well I have an apartment coming open on another street that isn't listed and names the price. I said, I will TAKE it, sight unseen (extremely affordable 2 bedroom for my luxurious community)! I wrote down the address and did a quick drive by. I called her later saying, "Show it to me". Ended up going the next day and filled out an application. Two days later she calls me saying its yours! Amazing how quickly things can turn when its meant to be.

We had a month to pack up our few belongings and prepare the show for the next big top location. I hadn't told the kid about our new place yet. And for a few months now he was saying, mommy we need a bigger apartment. (I think he kept overhearing me saying I hated our old apartment!) I took him by the week before knowing the tenants had moved out, and the workmen were inside painting. He was very excited to see his room. "It has two windows", was his most excited statement. This new place has light and windows we didn't have before.

The big day came on Saturday. A friend of mine offered to come up and take the kid for the day to the zoo and keep him occupied. We all went to IHop to get started on caffeine and eggs. Then the move began. Within 2 hours time, we had everything relocated. I had gone to the store the night before and bought stuff to make margaritas and fajitas. Everyone was sweaty and dirty when we started mixing up the margaritas. I stood in the kitchen after all the moving and cut up eggplant, squash, peppers, onions, pounded out my frustrations on some marinated flank steak and put some lime juice on some tilapia. We drank. We ate chips. We met the neighbors. We spilled a drink christening the new apartment. It was a such a lovely way to break in our new home. Here is the crew satiated and sweaty!



That night the kid was ASLEEP by 9. I was having my last beverage after the BEST shower I have ever had in my life. I felt all new and satisfied after that and slept alone in my bed in the new apartment! I am moving forward. I made this happen. But without assistance from my "family" I wouldn't have made it. I am grateful to you all. Words will never express my gratitude.

More Adventures please!!!

Moved!!!

All moved. can't find my brain yet. its one of the last things I packed. it wasn't in the kitchen boxes... oh well. thank god for reactionary digits and keyboards.


*giggles*

story tomorrow. with pix. ttfn.

My little family

My son is cute, loving and a little demon too. He has been exceptionally loving the last couple of weeks. Here is some of the dialog.

You said to me, "Mommy we are a family, aren't we?"

I said, "Yes baby. We are a family."

You said, "I am glad. I love you Mommy. Can bear be a part of our family?"

I said, "I love you to baby. Yes. Bear IS part of our family."

You just smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss. Then we both gave bear a kiss.

Thats worth every penny right there.

And Yes. it is that simple, if you let it be.

What is UP!?

I don't understand whats up with Will Farrell in my dreams. I had a dream about him again last night. Maybe its because "Blades of Glory" was on HBO this weekend. And Talladega Nights, was on Encore. I only watched a few mins of each, seeing as I didn't feel like explaining to the toddler what was going on.

Last night it was like some kind of elfin kingdom. We were in the woods at a resort. Interesting thing about Will in my dreams? Its like he is my big brother, only not! We have a great relationship, laughing and talking. Nothing overly sexual, and it makes me feel relaxed and comfortable. I don't even LIKE Will Ferrell.

Maybe its a sign. I used to dream about Oprah constantly till I moved to Santa Barbara. Maybe I should find out where Will lives and make a visit. Something may be waiting for me there. Or maybe I should take up comedy writing. Dream interpretation is NOT my strong suit, but there is so much information there. I need a studio. Desparately. Time to be creative ad nauseam.

Moving & Shaking

I apologize in advance for the lack of attention to my blog. For 2 years my son and I have lived in a studio apartment. A few fights and grey hairs later, we are on the move. I found a bigger apartment for not too much more than I am paying now. And its 6 blocks from where I am now. YESSSSS!!!!!

Hence, I am in the throws of a "single parent" move. I don't have much time to spare on myself for a few weeks. Although, technically this move is for myself and my son. You don't even know the ecstacy I am going to feel having my own room again. Can you say privacy? Well, as close as I will get to it for now.

I have room for some plants and a grill too. Whose up for some ribs? or chops? I will send out the invites once I get settled. Until then, keep your hands off my bubble wrap, unless you are wrapping my dishes!

Movin on up... to the east side... giggles.

and in totally unrelated and yet so relevant news...


My Nikon D40 is in the shop being repaired. My soul will be arriving home soon. And in rewards to my soldier of imaging, I bought him a new apendage. And he got a mightier sword. I can't wait to put it to the test. Look for updated images soon.

A special thank you goes out to my father for always supporting the arts. Words are inadequate to thank him for his generosity. I love you Dad. xoxoxox

I am abandoning feelings (for Monday)

First? Coffee... ah... Semi-Human...

Life has been a series of tidal waves lately. My upcoming move, my ankle evaluation, the ongoing toddler battles, my camera, my finances and my tooth broke off on Friday. During these times, I have to come to count on my interactions with my friends to help me forget for a few minutes till I have to suit up and head back into battle.

Saturday night, a "friend" said something to me that completely wrecked me. I started crying. It was a joke, an unintentional jab, but you know what they say about those statements. It started me thinking, is that what he thinks of me? I guess I don't represent myself the right way.

Then Sunday, I saw a friend of mine come online. Someone that is a good friend that always makes time for me and helps me smile. They didn't respond to a hello. I know it wasn't an intentional slam on me, but it really upset me. I am going to have to re-evaluate our situation. Maybe I should back of and establish different boundaries. It hurts me to even think about doing that. Who else is going to protect me but me?

I have decided that feelings are highly overrated. I am happy to have a little man that truly loves his momma and I need to relish that time. Soon I will have my own space again so that I can escape into some artwork instead of relying on people that can't really be there for me, even if they want to. I have to deal with being there for myself. Guard my feelings more carefully. Be more selective about who I bestow them on. If you know me, you know that is not like me, but the other way is starting to tear me down a little.

That said? Camera is in the shop. Tooth is getting fixed today. I am enlisting help in moving as we speak. I am MOVING to a new home that will allow a different style of life that is needed for me and my little family. We are going to get a goldfish. I am turning off cable, but keeping the internet. Time to establish a "relationship" with my son before he gets too much older.

Eric Hutchinson

Another newbie to my ITunes library Eric Hutchinson

You heard it here first (or maybe you didn't, lucky you). This is a very well edited CD and heavy on the production, so if you don't like that type of music, this may not be for you. I am a fan of all styles of production from raw to overproduced. I can't find a favorite here. They are all good. My personal selections from "Sounds Like This" are Outside Villanova, Rock and Roll, Food Chain and Ok Its Allright with me. A talented songwriter. I am going to post these lyrics from the song OH!, because I like the cleverness of them.

i got arrested in the dark of the night
the cop got restless as he read me my rights
he told me "im always envious of those that i jail
if i got locked up nobody'd come to help me post bail"
and i said "oh!"

went to a party on the side of a hill
met three latinas who had gotten their fill.
they told me "nobody ever gets us down on our knees
simply to help us take a load off our feet."
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

i picked a pocket just to give it all back
took out the license left the money in tact
the man said "i wanna thank you" and i had to ask why
"That was the old me I was living a lie"
and i said "oh!"

riding the subway with the scent of her hair
she took out a toothbrush started using it there
she explained "im always sure today's the day i will die
i wanna look good if i get to look god in the eye"
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

we get lost in the back of our minds
got nothing to burn but time time time
everybody's got the love but they keep it inside

met an acquaintance we were reintroduced
with more in common than we had in our youth
she told me "you look the same" i said "i'm now a new man"
she asked me "how does that work" "i started giving a damn"
and i said "oh!"

For my money you can use the word OH too many times but I love his music. Find some and enjoy for yourself.


And on a sadder note? I will never EVER be the The Pioneer Woman. Ever.... I know your disappointed mom, but my life is a little too surreal to be served on white bread. I love you despite it all anyway! :kisses:

For the Gerbers

Dear Gerbers. I wanted to let you know I love you. I know its hard. Please don't give up hope. There are other ways.

Signed,
Surrogate Mel

Photo Credit: David Vankeuren

End the Madness

There are many people I know who are in marriages that do not work. These people "justify" staying married by a set of archaic guidelines that have not worked in the past and still aren't. I believe its honorable to want to stick with someone because you made a commitment. But if this commitment isn't serving anyone's higher good and is hurting others, and believe me it does, end the madness. Remember that your frustration, regret and misery bleed over into the entire pool. Reevaluate your possibilities (together or separate) and move towards harmony. Everyone deserves peace and love.

edit: picture credit to PostSecretdotcom

Baby Giggles

Ok. I don't care who you are. this is going to make you laugh. Its infectious.

Happy Easter Bunny!

Ankle Diagnosed

Okay Broke it at age 18. Probably should have had an operation, but the doc said no. He set it badly and now there is no ankle joint left. I have cramps in that calf 3 times a week at night. Pain 24 hours a day. I scheduled an appt with the podiatrist via my primary care physician. Today was the appointment.

Dr. Pearson: "Well there's only one thing that can be done. We have to fuse it. (My brain says...What? Fuse it?) If you were 15 or 20 years older you would have a replacement ankle procedure. I do this kind of operation everyday. 90% success rate on this procedure, over all. I think you have a 95% success rate. I am amazed you have this kind of flexibility at all. I can take you down the hall to another doctors office that I did this procedure on and he will tell you he is so glad he had it done.

Me: Sighs... So doctor, what is this going to cost me?

Doc: Your insurance will cover it. There may be some kind of deductible.

Me: What is the recovery time for this?

Doc: Thats the hard part. Six weeks off your feet. No weight on it at all. If you have a desk job you can go back after 1 or 2 weeks. It will be 3 months till you have a "normal" life ie: excercise, walking without a limp/cane/crutches, etc.

Me: Doc, I am a single mom. What am I going to do about my kid?

Doc: You have to take care of yourself. Find someone to help you with that.

Me: (inside my head = are you a parent?) So... find someone to look after him. How long will I need that?

Doc: At least 6 weeks. Maybe two months.

Me: Ok. Well, I need to think about it.

Doc: I think you should do it. I can't believe you aren't in more pain than you are.

Me: Doc, I am a jilted (previously physically abused), overworked, no child support, single mother who adores her son. What's pain got to do with it?

Doc: puzzled look... Do you want some valium?

Me: Do they come in a pediatric dosage?

So, I have to have an operation that will hobble the mem for a good six weeks. Can ANYONE come and help me? Anyone? Oh, Angel of mercy that looks down and bestows me with minor miracles, I need a BIGGIE!!!!!

Anatomy of Love

Today in my car on the 15 min vigil, my ONLY alone time anymore, I was thinking about what it is to love. What is love. One of the times I have felt love is in watching someone you love in the process of being. Watching someone as they discover something new. That look of wonder. The look on their face as they describe their passions. What they do to reveal those in physical ways. Expressing their knowledge of themselves.

The Look of Love

You turned your head
looking up from your work
Observance stance no agenda
Appreciating your hands

Your eyes were full
expressing your aptitude
passion had tinted them
a deeper shade of blue

I reached to touch
the skin that contains
a soul in motion state
feeling the energy

wanting to crawl inside
become a part of process
the mind that brings the
inside out cool smooth

You looked at me
in a lust full gaze
and we fell into it
the moment a tidal wave

how that moment changed
from its pure process to
pure enjoyment going beyond
a physical connection manifested

come love and lay
be your self inside
with me beside you
lets manifest a union

by Melanie M. © 03-2008

Pete Yorn - Life on a Chain

I live on a chain and you share the same last name, as a joke,
I sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked,
I knew it made you feel dirty,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing,
And you were THE sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me.
Time alone is good, I spend my days in the city,
Dirty neighborhood, you know you'll never convince me,
So I sold the town away, I couldn't wait to forget you,
I was killed in half a day, I hadn't time to regret you,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine heading my front line,
I was alone you were just around the corner from me.
I, I'm still on the chain, and you, had the same last name,
As a joke I sent a bottle of whiskey
As you choked you said it made you feel dirty...
Waiting over here, for life to begin,
Still looking for the new thing,
And you were the sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me

Life on a Chain - Pete Yorn

Okay. I don't know if you know anything about Pete Yorn but he opened up for Crowded House when I saw them last fall. He really is a great songwriter. You probably know him from the song Strange Condition. I just happened to like the song Life on a Chain better (and now Undercover). I always was a rebel. He sounds like Jim Morrison to me in some of his songs, Chris Cornell in others. His guitar work on the song Undercover reminds me of Brian Eno! Very "Taking Tiger Mountain" to me... Does anyone remember Brian Eno? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Get you sum Pete Yorn. You wont be too sorry. :wink:

Thanks Legzy for the CD! :hugs:

Da Dreams

So last night another fantastical journey through my subconcious. I don't remember a lot of it. Mostly I remember taking a shower, finding the right shampoo and conditioner. I was at a family members place. Everyone was there either sleeping, or getting ready to go somewhere. (I have a huge feeling of transition with my family. Everyone in my family is. My sister is going places (new house and maybe baby). My brother is getting more mentally sound.) I was running around making decisions.

One scene in the "dream movie" my mother was giving me some interesting advice. It wasn't the usual mom advice. She said, "He is coming. You have to keep an eye out for a man in the car with you. Don't be afraid to help someone out with a ride or getting some help with your car. And don't be bothered about your initial reaction."

I totally blew that off. I mean really who is going to listen to their mom's advice about men!? Then I got to thinking, maybe it wasn't her talking to me. Maybe it was a face put on by someone else to give me a piece of information I would have thrown off if from a person less familiar.

You know? Things are really changing for me right now. Rapidly. Anything can happen. I guess I am going to pay attention to things that happen regarding my car! sheesh. Romance at the wheel. Maybe its D.W. Maybe its a famous race car driver. My luck? A divorced auto mechanic with a daughter. Because thats pretty much what I need in my life. A sibling for the little guy and a man that can fix my car and my attitude. :wink:

Birthdays are Beautiful

•The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

•The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

•The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.

Audrey Hepburn

Today is the day one beautiful woman propelled me into the world via sheer force, sweat and fears. Amazing to me I have lived this long. Seriously when I was in my 20's I just knew I wouldn't make it to 50. And here I am 3 years away. A full grown beautiful woman who has finally found unconditional love from a man (granted he is only four and thats going to totally change, but... hey!).

It took me many years to appreciate being a woman. Many years. I think I have found that at the age of 47, maybe it took me being a mom to realize the complete power of being a woman. That beauty really does come from within (although, it doesn't hurt to be pretty on the outside). I woke up this morning like every other day, wishing I didn't have to work for a living! But grateful for what I have, especially the little man, who was fixing my hair before work today. Another year of fighting the fight, and winning the little battles.

Tonights booming celebration? Me and the midgie are going to make birthday cake. So whats your preference.. Lemon Cake with Lemon Icing OR Golden Cake with Dark Chocolate Icing?

Let your voice be heard. I will take a cake porn picture after its done.

Happy Birthday to me.
I am as old as a tree
I smell like fresh flowers
and I live by the sea.

The Morning

I have a very difficult time rising up in the mornings especially after this time change. This morning was no exception. The alarm went off and the usual "five more minutes" mantra's began. I think thats why I set my alarm extra early, to have that mantra time and process dreams. This morning I felt peaceful in my movements. Maybe its because I am so tired and there is so much for me to do, that I can't move fast anymore. I have to pace myself.

As we leave the apartment I think, mornings are beautiful here. The sky is peach and blue, the jet stream clouds line across the sky. Its a crisp cool. The kind of cool that leaves dew on the leaves. I am carrying the little man's lunch. We are chattering about where we parked the car. I am wearing my favorite sandals and my red corduroy jacket. My son is wearing his favorite sweatshirt and shoes. We are talking about the airplanes and rocket ships. Where everyone is going on the planes. What people do in space. I get melancholy.

Its so sad that the other person in his life can't enjoy the simple moments. Just making his lunch or that little boy request to tighten his shoes. The way he walks like his uncle and his head looks like his grandpa's. But hey. I get to. Yea ME!!!!

AND TO STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT!

March 13th is the day i was brought screaming and kicking into the world. Sorry to confuse. Will have a b-day post tomorrow with some porn. (its also weigh in day for the beginning of a newer slimmer ME!)

*giggles*

happy birthday battery money.

I got money from my dad. And then the battery died. I guess thats something to be grateful for. Wont have to worry about that for 7 years now (if the car lasts that long).

I love having a car thats paid for though. Hallafreakinlujah!!!!!

Weighing in on my birthday. Is that a sign?

WW Thursdays

I begin another weight loss chapter in my life. Losing weight is a struggle for me. I have a highly sensual nature and food has always been a comfort. Time to change the way I look at it. In light of that? Weight Watchers meetings start today.

Granted, I joined because the meetings are at work and I don't have to travel to them, but also my company reimburses us 50% of the fees at the end of the session. And this time around, there are incentives. I love incentives.

Good nutritional experts and fitness instructors will tell you that diligence is key. I have to remember that word in this go round. DILIGENCE!!! And choices. I realize that support is a big factor for me. I enjoy having people around me to give me reminders now and again that I am doing great or doing poorly.

So it begins. I will post the original weight this after noon in an edit. We can watch my transformation together. Part of this process is to cut out the amount of alcohol that I consume. Thats going to be a bit more difficult. But I plan on succeeding without a lot of fanfare. I just have to.

Thanks for your patience while I battle out my fight for fitness and weight loss. At the end I should have an awesome swim suit shot to put up (in keeping with my increasing "porn-like" photos here at not just noun & verbs - HA!).

edit: weigh in is next week. whew! bring on the ice cream! :giggles:

edit: edit: weighed in at 230. YIKES!!! "wires her jaw shut"

3pm.

All I want to do is sleep today. Why don't I work for myself again? :sighs: I wouldn't get anything done then either.

Okay while google-ing the picture I came across these lame excuses to use when caught sleeping at your desk. Top Ten Excuses when caught sleeping at your desk.

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do Yoga?"

4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3) "The coffee machine is broken..."

2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot!

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:" in Jesus Name, Amen."

man, this has to be the lamest list.. can anyone come up with a better one? like:

"Oh, that really does smell like pine."

"Did you find my contact?"

"I thought I heard a Who! (a person's a person no matter how small)"

"I was practicing for my acting class tonight. Our production is called "Insomniac".

can you think of any?

Bustiers

I dreamt about them all night long. Different color, closures, ribbons, lace, velvet, mostly old world style.

I blame Neil.

Rejection - the whining. (oy vey)

You know? I don't mind rejection. Well, I say that. It hurts. But only if you let it. I watch the world around me and feel like I haven't ever been a part of something others have. I don't know what that is, but it feels like alienation. Not from my own hand. I get out there and lay my soul on the line everyday. I like that. Its who I am. But when you keep getting run over or stepped over or pushed down, you get tired. You become distrustful. And even the most well intentioned person becomes a potential source of agony to my already waning spirit. When did people stop accepting each other for who they really are? And not judge them by a specific set of illusionary "rules" they deem fit to place upon someone else?

Why all of the sudden is there so much rejection in my life? Is it a passing phase? Am I learning something new? What is it that I am seeking actually? The avoidance thing doesn't work but cutting out my online connections is helping. For some reason, I put too much emotion into my friendships on line. I am too emotional after all, but its who I am. That wont change. I would hope that after 46 years (well, actually 47 because my bday is in 10 days) on this planet, I would have learned how to deal with it. Or maybe its a gift that I will never have a heart of stone.

My life is in a phase of turmoil. I find myself wanting to hide and not be with anyone at all. I allow myself to think I am a lost soul. Until I can find some peace within myself, I am merely tethered to the planet. As I was walking back from doing laundry yesterday afternoon, I had the sensation of not being in my body anymore. I inhabit a different place. Maybe its the fact I don't have any time for myself. Is it the fear of being broke? How am I going to deal with the reality of my son and the rising costs of supporting him? I feel that the world is crashing in on me and I have nowhere to turn.

In all this self analysis I find there is really NOTHING to complain about. My life is sweet in comparison to so many. I have lovely son that is healthy and whole. I have a good job in paradise. I get free coffee every day. My car is paid for and running. I have enough clothes to get me through the week without doing laundry. I have full function of all my limbs and a fairly intact mind. And a good source of food at my disposal whenever I feel hungry.

Maybe I need not write any of this out here and just get on with things. I am working on making me a better person. Thats the best I can do. But damn, I sure could use a crane to remove some of the burden for a few days a month. And If I was a gambling gal? I would bet thats going to happen the day before monkeys fly.

Yea. I used to be a purely positive person. But I guess thats my son's job now. :wink:

Friday Bullets

I have no absolute vision of what to post today. So its bullet points.

I had a wild dream about a coworker in the airport last night and hope she doesn't have a hard time getting back from Belize.

My son is finally ready to "poop" on the potty!!!!! Praise the baby Jesus. Hallelujah. I am working on a plan with my "family counselor" Kristi Miller, of Solutions in Parenting. This lady is of a very modern mindset when it comes to raising kids. One of my money mantras is that I can afford her at least once every two months.

I start Weight Watchers next week!!! Back in the saddle. I am NOT going to give up as easily this time as I did last time. I need support though. Who is willing to jump on the band wagon with me? My meetings are on Thursdays, so I have a feeling update Thursdays will be in order. The ironic thing is that Thursdays at my office they give us free bagels and doughnuts... HA!!!! I love the battle in that. And the absolute opportunity to test my will power. I will have to stay out of the Break Room on Thursdays so not to be tempted. I am a Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts.

I am so broke I am beyond broke. Does anyone need a part time assistant? Maid? Designer? Sex Slave? I could use a few bones in the bank account.

I live in a shoebox. Seriously. A studio apartment that is bursting at the seams with TOYS!!!!! (now lets balance that out by saying, it is in Santa Barbara, so I don't find that all too horrible) By the end of the weekend I am on the verge of suicide because I have cleaned a walking path in my apartment five gazillion times in a 48 hour period. Enlisting the little man has its good times and its bad times. I don't believe in a reward system as that is going to cost me. I try to encourage him to work along with me and relish in a job well done. Much more proactive in the long run, but at age four it only works about 60% of the time. Better than 50.

In less than two weeks, I will celebrate another rotation around the planet. Meh. I feel old. I have never felt old before. This year? I feel old. Maybe I should get out and do some childlike stuff for my birthday, like Disneyworld or something. Or maybe Pin the tail on the donkey. or Twister. or... wow. Even my language is starting to sound like porn. I need an adult vacation.

POUT. My camera is going to stay broken for a while (due to having a real life and a son and no disposable income). I never realized how much I appreciated it till it was gone. FFS. I wasn't even being klutzy. Karma on my camera. But I can't figure out why. I have been pondering and pondering the reason. No clue yet. I guess sometimes things just happen. But I have never believed that. So, at some point it will come to me. And I will be relieved.


Its FRIDAY!!!! And I have two mini meatloaf's in the fridge for weekend sammiches. NO cooking this weekend. I so rock.

Ok. I need new music. Give me some suggestions.

Much love to those who pass here. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Namaste brethern of the da-blawg.

Scientific Facts...

I loved watching Bill Nye, the science guy. I have learned a few tantalizing scientific facts from his show. Until Bill came into my life, I didn't realize that the shadow or the movement of the shadow across the moon always goes from right to left. Did you know that? Isn't he cool? and soooo CUTE?

He did parodies of hit songs and used scientific facts. The "weird al" of science videos. I had an idea that he should have used the song The Isrealites as a parody for electrolytes. But being the "shy" gal that I am, I didn't get this suggestion in time before the show stopped airing.

Wake up in the morning looking for gatorade
because I drank too much last night...

ooooooo The Electrolytesszzzaaaa...

I mean, doesn't that just work? on so many levels? I miss that show. Saturday morning hangovers and Bill Nye. I am a geek.

:whistles: OOOOO The Electrolyteszzaaaaa....

Thyroid

So I got NODES in my thyroid. Still waiting on the doctor to call back and discuss further. They don't look "threatening" but I am guessing I should be a bit more proactive, as the thyroid is kind of important to balance of the bodies metabolism. She wants me to "watch" them, as in six months I go back for another ultrasound. Anyone got thyroid issues?

I am seriously going to hound on her about my ankle too. I am going to insist she refer me to a specialist. I really need to do something about it. I use it regularly to walk on and its tripping me up. :wink:

(how do you like my porn thyroid nodule shot? :cheesygrin:)

The Gathering

I went out with some friends the other night... Stayed out too late, made some bad decisions about bringing along my son, but I was out. Towards the end of the evening, I felt like an outsider. Partially my own decision, I gave up trying to "make" conversation when no matter what I was saying, it felt like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing NO ripple.

What I realized during that time, when I didn't particularly feel welcomed or accepted in a LOT of ways, I am who I am. And fuck me for letting myself think that I am less of a human being for being quirky or un-like other people. Who I am is great!

In conclusion, making people feel alienated is NEVER cool. EVER. I am sick of thinking I owe the world anything. I don't care if I fit in, because I never will. The only people I owe anything to are myself and my son. (Oh and a few THOUSAND dollars to my parents). It feels good to be back in the saddle.

RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

edit: I think maybe alienating thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers is ok. but friends? nope. not cool.

Oscar Smossker Meyer Weiner

Sounds kosher doesn't it? I didn't even turn on my TV last night to see the fashions. I live two hours north of LA, and had absolutely NO desire to give attention to bad sets, bad performances and bad commercials. What was I doing instead? Pay per view, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. HA! Can anyone fill me in on something they showed that I should be sorry I missed? Like some porn that won an oscar? Since I seem to be gravitating towards that in my imagery.

I feel like a documentary on the displaced children of our current "warlike" state in the middle east would be a better use of my time. But its not been produced, that I know of.

I wonder when the "oscar" charade will end? :harumph:

Examination

So, my doctor wants tests done. I am off to the radiology clinic for an ultrasound, a mammogram and an X-ray.

hooooray for the squishing boob machine. *dramatic eyeroll*

happy weekends!

OK I was laughing so hard at this I was crying. I am a complete sucker for this kind of humor.

Breasts

OK... i have had it. You want breasts? Check this out.


EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Napa

I am visiting Napa Valley. I went to two wineries. Made meatloaf, and have seen 3 adult films which is unusual for me.

Here is one picture of the scenes thankfully i borrowed a camera.

more when I get back to southern california.

drink more wine. :-)

Valentines Day

Yea. So freakin' what!

No one will send me flowers.
No one will buy me cupcakes.
No one will tell me they couldn't live without me.

Its another day to practice the love I already share with the world.

and that ain't to shabby folks. get you sum!

happy happy joy joy i wish i had a boy toy... HA!

okay all you lovers out there. make love not war. peace... OUT.

meme tags...

Okay you peeps... eliza Do-giggle and Sniper Kat, tagged me for 7 positive things about myself. I know someone else tagged me with the random meme, but hell, you get that random thing from me daily. so, we are going with the positives on this happy hump day... and awaaaayyy we go!

1) I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. People compliment me on my laugh. Life is Gods joke, and the devil's misery, so live it up! I heard on iconoclasts, Deepok Chopra say, "Laughter is man's way of alleviating misery". That dude is wise.

2) I have an eye for beauty. I don't mean in the sense of beautiful people or what the world may perceive as beauty, I mean the core of it. What makes us "who we are" beauty. The beauty of the world I live in, even in its suffering, there is beauty. Its easy to find if you are looking for it.

3) I am a pretty cool mom. Although I lack some serious discipline skills, I have a son that smiles, has good manners, is well liked, and respects others. sorta.

4) I am not afraid of hard work. I enjoy getting my hands dirty when it calls for it. Getting down in there and messing in the muck. Its good for anyone's self esteem to see accomplishment like that.

5) I have some d*mn cute toes, and intense eyes. I am fortunate that genetics has gifted me with these.

6) I enjoy my friends, and like making new ones. You can never have enough people in your life to share your good fortune, if you have any.

7) I have the gift of a big shoulder. As in, when I am sitting and listening to someone, I can really feel what they are going through and be empathetic. I can hear what they are saying, and respond in a positive manner. Not in a patronizing condescending style, in a "say it like it is" way. I have no fear of truth. Its what people deserve to hear.

And thats more than you needed to know about me. Carry on Comrades.

The Preacher, and the Bum

Last night I had a dream about my ex, father of my little guy.

This is a very deep and intense read. I wonder why I am always tired. These dreams are like writing literature every night. Thats only a small part of what happened in the dream. The "Readers Digest" version if you will. I don't add all the smells or light or visuals.

Thinking again.. uh oh. boring.

So my morning commute is my five mins of alone/meditation time lately. I am thinking about why I don't have a man in my life. Not so much as a means to an end, but just a pondering of circumstance and history. Am I putting them off for a reason?

I think the reality in my current circumstances with men is that I am jealous of them. They can stand up to pee. They don't have to wear shirts or bras (unless they want to). They can, well... speak to the wee brain (hint hint, nudge nudge) standing up. If they flirt or are cavalier with women, its seen as a badge of honor, not being a slut. They can basically eat twice as much as women and not gain weight. (now I know this isn't true for all men, so don't get all twisted over this analogy.)

I know I don't want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman. Women have definite strengths that men don't. We can wield emotions with confidence, produce offspring and feed them from our breasts. (And believe me, boobs are a powerful weapon). We are the ultimate multi-taskers. We don't shy away from speaking directly when it calls for it. We are more intimate creatures. And we are beautiful.

I guess with Valentines Day coming up, I got into thinking. How many years have I dealt with men treating me l wasn't important? I was an accessory to them as opposed to someone they loved. Why I let things happen for so long and didn't stop it. Its lead me to feeling horrible about myself. Not realizing my accomplishments, and my beauty. But that is at least a stepping stone to being more aware of my beauty and my ability to be loved, by the right person.

But right this minute? I want some of the benefits of being a man. And maybe its because I don't have one in my life, well, an adult version, and thats the only reason I am even thinking about it.

____________________________

And on a very sad sad note, I may have to say goodbye to my camera. I had a very bad fall on Saturday that may have killed my Nikon D-40. Say your prayers... It may be history. Unless the money falls from the sky, I can't afford a new one right now either.

Something happened last month that made me think I was losing my karma. And this was a capper to that prediction.