Friday Bullets

I have no absolute vision of what to post today. So its bullet points.

I had a wild dream about a coworker in the airport last night and hope she doesn't have a hard time getting back from Belize.

My son is finally ready to "poop" on the potty!!!!! Praise the baby Jesus. Hallelujah. I am working on a plan with my "family counselor" Kristi Miller, of Solutions in Parenting. This lady is of a very modern mindset when it comes to raising kids. One of my money mantras is that I can afford her at least once every two months.

I start Weight Watchers next week!!! Back in the saddle. I am NOT going to give up as easily this time as I did last time. I need support though. Who is willing to jump on the band wagon with me? My meetings are on Thursdays, so I have a feeling update Thursdays will be in order. The ironic thing is that Thursdays at my office they give us free bagels and doughnuts... HA!!!! I love the battle in that. And the absolute opportunity to test my will power. I will have to stay out of the Break Room on Thursdays so not to be tempted. I am a Homer Simpson when it comes to doughnuts.

I am so broke I am beyond broke. Does anyone need a part time assistant? Maid? Designer? Sex Slave? I could use a few bones in the bank account.

I live in a shoebox. Seriously. A studio apartment that is bursting at the seams with TOYS!!!!! (now lets balance that out by saying, it is in Santa Barbara, so I don't find that all too horrible) By the end of the weekend I am on the verge of suicide because I have cleaned a walking path in my apartment five gazillion times in a 48 hour period. Enlisting the little man has its good times and its bad times. I don't believe in a reward system as that is going to cost me. I try to encourage him to work along with me and relish in a job well done. Much more proactive in the long run, but at age four it only works about 60% of the time. Better than 50.

In less than two weeks, I will celebrate another rotation around the planet. Meh. I feel old. I have never felt old before. This year? I feel old. Maybe I should get out and do some childlike stuff for my birthday, like Disneyworld or something. Or maybe Pin the tail on the donkey. or Twister. or... wow. Even my language is starting to sound like porn. I need an adult vacation.

POUT. My camera is going to stay broken for a while (due to having a real life and a son and no disposable income). I never realized how much I appreciated it till it was gone. FFS. I wasn't even being klutzy. Karma on my camera. But I can't figure out why. I have been pondering and pondering the reason. No clue yet. I guess sometimes things just happen. But I have never believed that. So, at some point it will come to me. And I will be relieved.


Its FRIDAY!!!! And I have two mini meatloaf's in the fridge for weekend sammiches. NO cooking this weekend. I so rock.

Ok. I need new music. Give me some suggestions.

Much love to those who pass here. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Namaste brethern of the da-blawg.

Scientific Facts...

I loved watching Bill Nye, the science guy. I have learned a few tantalizing scientific facts from his show. Until Bill came into my life, I didn't realize that the shadow or the movement of the shadow across the moon always goes from right to left. Did you know that? Isn't he cool? and soooo CUTE?

He did parodies of hit songs and used scientific facts. The "weird al" of science videos. I had an idea that he should have used the song The Isrealites as a parody for electrolytes. But being the "shy" gal that I am, I didn't get this suggestion in time before the show stopped airing.

Wake up in the morning looking for gatorade
because I drank too much last night...

ooooooo The Electrolytesszzzaaaa...

I mean, doesn't that just work? on so many levels? I miss that show. Saturday morning hangovers and Bill Nye. I am a geek.

:whistles: OOOOO The Electrolyteszzaaaaa....

Thyroid

So I got NODES in my thyroid. Still waiting on the doctor to call back and discuss further. They don't look "threatening" but I am guessing I should be a bit more proactive, as the thyroid is kind of important to balance of the bodies metabolism. She wants me to "watch" them, as in six months I go back for another ultrasound. Anyone got thyroid issues?

I am seriously going to hound on her about my ankle too. I am going to insist she refer me to a specialist. I really need to do something about it. I use it regularly to walk on and its tripping me up. :wink:

(how do you like my porn thyroid nodule shot? :cheesygrin:)

The Gathering

I went out with some friends the other night... Stayed out too late, made some bad decisions about bringing along my son, but I was out. Towards the end of the evening, I felt like an outsider. Partially my own decision, I gave up trying to "make" conversation when no matter what I was saying, it felt like throwing a rock in a pond and seeing NO ripple.

What I realized during that time, when I didn't particularly feel welcomed or accepted in a LOT of ways, I am who I am. And fuck me for letting myself think that I am less of a human being for being quirky or un-like other people. Who I am is great!

In conclusion, making people feel alienated is NEVER cool. EVER. I am sick of thinking I owe the world anything. I don't care if I fit in, because I never will. The only people I owe anything to are myself and my son. (Oh and a few THOUSAND dollars to my parents). It feels good to be back in the saddle.

RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

edit: I think maybe alienating thieves, liars, rapists and ax murderers is ok. but friends? nope. not cool.

Oscar Smossker Meyer Weiner

Sounds kosher doesn't it? I didn't even turn on my TV last night to see the fashions. I live two hours north of LA, and had absolutely NO desire to give attention to bad sets, bad performances and bad commercials. What was I doing instead? Pay per view, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. HA! Can anyone fill me in on something they showed that I should be sorry I missed? Like some porn that won an oscar? Since I seem to be gravitating towards that in my imagery.

I feel like a documentary on the displaced children of our current "warlike" state in the middle east would be a better use of my time. But its not been produced, that I know of.

I wonder when the "oscar" charade will end? :harumph:

Examination

So, my doctor wants tests done. I am off to the radiology clinic for an ultrasound, a mammogram and an X-ray.

hooooray for the squishing boob machine. *dramatic eyeroll*

happy weekends!

OK I was laughing so hard at this I was crying. I am a complete sucker for this kind of humor.

Breasts

OK... i have had it. You want breasts? Check this out.


EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Napa

I am visiting Napa Valley. I went to two wineries. Made meatloaf, and have seen 3 adult films which is unusual for me.

Here is one picture of the scenes thankfully i borrowed a camera.

more when I get back to southern california.

drink more wine. :-)

Valentines Day

Yea. So freakin' what!

No one will send me flowers.
No one will buy me cupcakes.
No one will tell me they couldn't live without me.

Its another day to practice the love I already share with the world.

and that ain't to shabby folks. get you sum!

happy happy joy joy i wish i had a boy toy... HA!

okay all you lovers out there. make love not war. peace... OUT.

meme tags...

Okay you peeps... eliza Do-giggle and Sniper Kat, tagged me for 7 positive things about myself. I know someone else tagged me with the random meme, but hell, you get that random thing from me daily. so, we are going with the positives on this happy hump day... and awaaaayyy we go!

1) I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. People compliment me on my laugh. Life is Gods joke, and the devil's misery, so live it up! I heard on iconoclasts, Deepok Chopra say, "Laughter is man's way of alleviating misery". That dude is wise.

2) I have an eye for beauty. I don't mean in the sense of beautiful people or what the world may perceive as beauty, I mean the core of it. What makes us "who we are" beauty. The beauty of the world I live in, even in its suffering, there is beauty. Its easy to find if you are looking for it.

3) I am a pretty cool mom. Although I lack some serious discipline skills, I have a son that smiles, has good manners, is well liked, and respects others. sorta.

4) I am not afraid of hard work. I enjoy getting my hands dirty when it calls for it. Getting down in there and messing in the muck. Its good for anyone's self esteem to see accomplishment like that.

5) I have some d*mn cute toes, and intense eyes. I am fortunate that genetics has gifted me with these.

6) I enjoy my friends, and like making new ones. You can never have enough people in your life to share your good fortune, if you have any.

7) I have the gift of a big shoulder. As in, when I am sitting and listening to someone, I can really feel what they are going through and be empathetic. I can hear what they are saying, and respond in a positive manner. Not in a patronizing condescending style, in a "say it like it is" way. I have no fear of truth. Its what people deserve to hear.

And thats more than you needed to know about me. Carry on Comrades.

The Preacher, and the Bum

Last night I had a dream about my ex, father of my little guy.

This is a very deep and intense read. I wonder why I am always tired. These dreams are like writing literature every night. Thats only a small part of what happened in the dream. The "Readers Digest" version if you will. I don't add all the smells or light or visuals.

Thinking again.. uh oh. boring.

So my morning commute is my five mins of alone/meditation time lately. I am thinking about why I don't have a man in my life. Not so much as a means to an end, but just a pondering of circumstance and history. Am I putting them off for a reason?

I think the reality in my current circumstances with men is that I am jealous of them. They can stand up to pee. They don't have to wear shirts or bras (unless they want to). They can, well... speak to the wee brain (hint hint, nudge nudge) standing up. If they flirt or are cavalier with women, its seen as a badge of honor, not being a slut. They can basically eat twice as much as women and not gain weight. (now I know this isn't true for all men, so don't get all twisted over this analogy.)

I know I don't want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman. Women have definite strengths that men don't. We can wield emotions with confidence, produce offspring and feed them from our breasts. (And believe me, boobs are a powerful weapon). We are the ultimate multi-taskers. We don't shy away from speaking directly when it calls for it. We are more intimate creatures. And we are beautiful.

I guess with Valentines Day coming up, I got into thinking. How many years have I dealt with men treating me l wasn't important? I was an accessory to them as opposed to someone they loved. Why I let things happen for so long and didn't stop it. Its lead me to feeling horrible about myself. Not realizing my accomplishments, and my beauty. But that is at least a stepping stone to being more aware of my beauty and my ability to be loved, by the right person.

But right this minute? I want some of the benefits of being a man. And maybe its because I don't have one in my life, well, an adult version, and thats the only reason I am even thinking about it.

____________________________

And on a very sad sad note, I may have to say goodbye to my camera. I had a very bad fall on Saturday that may have killed my Nikon D-40. Say your prayers... It may be history. Unless the money falls from the sky, I can't afford a new one right now either.

Something happened last month that made me think I was losing my karma. And this was a capper to that prediction.

Depression

I had a horrific dream last night about being in prison. I wonder if that has anything to do with this "illness".

Pills, therapy, yea all that stuff works, it helps the conscious mind cope. But what about the subconscious mind?

Just some thoughts I have rumbling around in the balcony this morning.

edit: a positive thought? at least I am getting longer hours of sleep. for that I am grateful.

Buddha Board & a Published Father

Who knew, I always needed a buddha board. With a stroke of water, and a minute of time you can create a unique piece of art. And then as it dries, it disappears. Waiting for the next stroke of the brush, calling forth your inner peace.

I don't care if you are an artist or not. This little piece of heaven should sit on everyones desk.

its ZEN-TASTIC!!! peace.

_______________________________________________



and on the opposite side of things, Father Luke has published a small book of his piquant poetry. I am assuming that the battery is not included. :giggles:

Support your grass roots poets, peeps.

The Great Interveiwee was Hey Joe!

Well, anyone that reads Citizen of the Month, knows about the interviews. I was the lucky gal who got to interview Hey Joe. Fun blog! The interesting thing about this process is getting to learn about the people whose writing you enjoy. I was interviewed by cookie-bitch.

Here are my questions to Joe.
1. I take it you are a writer. Your blog is very well thought out and literate. When did you realize you liked writing, and how have you fit that into your life?
First of all, thank you for the "well thought out and literate" comment. It's nice to hear that it comes across that way because so often I feel like I slam some of this stuff together and post it when I really should be spending more time revising and thinking about what I want to say. Oh, and working on my grammar and punctuation. My wife is forever sending me notes with corrections! So, anyway thanks for that.

I like to think of myself as a writer, but most of the time I think of myself as someone who's trying to be a writer. Part of my problem is that when I envision a "writer," I always picture that stereotypical someone who writes novels from their beach house, overlooking a stormy sea, a cup of coffee at hand; so far from the reality of it, except perhaps for the coffee. And I don't write anything of any great length either. The idea of writing a novel completely overwhelms me. I can't imagine writing for hundreds of pages about ANYTHING.

I realized that I enjoyed writing and had some sort of calling to it back in high school. I wanted to work for a magazine or something along those lines. That never happened, but after 15 years in insurance I landed a job in corporate communications. So while I technically write for a living, it's not the type of writing that feeds the soul, hence the blog and other projects. But I am thankful to have landed in a position that I actually enjoy. It's very nice to not dread coming to work.

2. Did you ever want to do comedy writing? you have a very dry wit.

I love comedy. Thank you for noticing. To me, stand-up comics are the closest thing to gods, and probably the bravest performers out there. But to answer the question, yes I did and do some comedy writing. I've been writing a somewhat regular humor column for our local small town paper, The Clayton Pioneer, since 2003. Most of what I write is at least an attempt at humor in some way, shape or form. I'm not a very serious person (not always a positive trait).

3. If you could name your biggest influence to your writing style who would that be and why?

That's a tough question. I feel like I'm influenced by so many writers. The author of every book that I've bothered to read more than once; Chuck Kinder, Hunter S. Thompson, Hemingway, Michael Chabon have all written books that I've read multiple times. Dave Barry was a big influence when I first started to try my hand at the humor column. I come across bloggers that are so good at telling stories, a talent that I often feel I lack, that I can't help but admire them and some how be influenced. It's very hard NOT to be influenced when there's so many good writers around.

4. Were you born and raised in California? If not where did you grow up? And what brought you to the west coast?

I was born and raised here in California, yes. A proud San Francisco/ Bay Area native.

5. When you were in high school, what were your dreams of the future? How are they different now?

High school is such a goofy time, but I think had a pretty common vision of my future; career, marriage, family. I think my generation may be one of the last ones to still grow up with that vision, with the idea that you get an education and you get a job and become a productive member of society. Younger generations seem much less interested in playing by those rules. They stay single much longer, travel more, try more things, take more chances. But to answer your question I guess I dreamed that I would be a successful (read rich and famous) writer, but I'm not sure if I knew what success even meant at the time. Ideas and opinions change as we get older. Now my dreams for the future involve getting more sleep, having a little more disposable income, my wife and I having more time for fun, and my children growing up to be happy.

6. How has being a father changed the way you see the world?

This ties in a lot to the last question. Again, I grew up in a different era, having parents that were very much old school in terms of what they expected of me: "education-good job with stable company-productive member of society." My parents never really understood the whole concept of job fulfillment. To them, a job was a means to an end. I always felt that enjoying what you did was the most important thing, even if I never followed my own advice.
As a father, I'm much more interested in helping my kids figure out what they enjoy, what makes them happy. I want them to get an education because you're at a huge disadvantage without it. Even if you never use your degree for your "job," school and education provide more life experience and opportunities that you'd otherwise never have. But I won't push them toward a job or career just because I think it would offer security. I will encourage them to take chances and have experiences and not tie themselves to anything too early in life.

7. Why are you fascinated by celebrities and their lives?

I really have no idea. I guess because I'm intrigued by fame and I find it fascinating that our society seems to care so much about them, myself included.
While I'm certainly not a geeky celebrity stalker type, I do find myself drawn to them somehow. My wife, on the other hand, couldn't care less about so and so. They're just another person so far as she's concerned. I watched a lot of television growing up, much more than she did, so maybe that has something to do with it. They're more a part of my make up. Maybe it's just a jealousy thing.
More interesting is why I'm fascinated with celebrity deaths. I have no answer for this either. I find death intriguing and the idea that people I've grown up knowing, either through movies or television, suddenly are no longer there.

8. What kind of music do you prefer? What was the first album/CD that you purchased?

I have to admit that while I enjoy it, I've never been a rabid fan of any particular music. I guess if I had to choose, I'd probably fall into the "classic rock" category. I like music that I know and can sing along to. I'm just not very interested in discovering new music.

The first ALBUM (yes, I'm old) I purchased was Pink Floyd The Wall. I wasn't really into it though. I found it kind of creepy and weird. Maybe because I hadn't yet reached my pot years. The Wall was a big album when I was in high school and I think I bought it because it was a popular album. I probably listened to it once or twice.

I'm trying to think of what's in my music collection....Joe Jackson, Tom Petty, The Black Crowes, Elvis Costello, Chicago, Green Day, Billy Joel, Jackie Greene, Johnny Cash.

9. What is the one thing you wouldn't want your children to know about you.?

While my kids don't currently read my blog, they do know about it and I'm sure one day they will. As such, I'm not inclined to spill much along those lines. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life. Maybe one day they'll hear about some of them, but if they do I'd rather they hear it from me and not read about it here.


10. If you had to do it all over again, how much of your life would remain the same, and what would you change?

Much would remain the same. Once you have children it's hard to imagine making the decision to go back and NOT have them. But if I could go back, I'd take more chances. I'd make some better choices so as to take back the hurt that I've caused some people in my life. I'd trust myself more and have more confidence in my abilities. I'd certainly travel more, move and live in a few different places before settling in one. Basically just live more without worrying about my security. I blame my parents for that one. :)

Thank you Joe for taking the time to do this. And one thing I am going to say? they will find out about your blog someday! ;-)

Being a parent rocks, except for that "no sleeping, no disposable income, no privacy (even in the bathroom), being asked a million questions, explaining each answer ad nauseum, washing their clothes, feeding them and disciplining them" stuff.

Random MeMe

Rebecca has tagged me for the seven random things about you meme. Sorry. More things about me you didn't want to know coming up.

1.) I had an operation for a deviated septum in my early 30's. I never knew you could wad up so much bandages into such a small hole. I couldn't breathe out of my nose for two days. and when he took it out? i almost puked. i breathe a little better now, but he said, you will always have polyps... great!

2.) When I was a little girl, I had a hard time going to sleep because all the dolls in the room my sister and I shared were lined up against the wall, and I felt like they were staring at me. And that they would come alive at night when everyone was sleeping. I hated dolls. (i have a barbie and ken story, but thats only for the personal diary. ken hated barbie, and he told her so.)

3.) I had a really hard time riding a bike as a kid! whenever I got on it I would fall off and get a scab. I was much better on skates. And was pissed, when I worked at the sonic in high school, that I couldn't be the girl out there serving the customer on skates. But seeing as I was probably the smartest of all the chicks that worked there, I had to do the register.

4.) I love to sing. do it all the time. In the shower, in the car, with my kid, making up little songs... Wish I had gotten some training in school, and doing something more professional with it now.

5.) When I was a little girl in grade school, the teacher had a ruler above the chalk board, it was actually just to lay out numbers from 1-100. I remember looking at it time and time again. I had a hard time in school (ADD remember?). And what sticks out in my mind is that while i was looking at it, certain areas of the numbers were darker than others, like shades of grey. (this wasn't actually on the chart this is what my mind created as I looked at it.) I still have a faint memory of it. I always wondered if that was going to be some kind of foreshadowing over my life. which years would be harder than others. seems to be holding true to this day. I am heading out of the dark area now, and no more dark did i see up to 100. interesting huh?

6.) I think I am afraid of ever having a relationship again. I have been physically beaten by men, verbally abused, and walked all over (some of this is my fault,and I realize that). At this point in time, I don't trust myself, and I don't trust men. I am having a hard time being comfortable enough to move on and trust someone. (Oh I lost my virginity at age 19 to a man I didn't even like. hows that for a kicker!? i only did it with him because I didn't want to get attached to anyone. Just wanted to have sex. it sucked. :wink:)

7.) I didn't cry when my pets died. I am not sure why that is. The times I cried was when the dog got so bad with cataracts that she didn't recognize me, and almost bit my hand. Thats when I realized someday she would be gone. Thats when I cried. I even saw the golden retriever get his neck broke while chasing the car (that dog was dumb.. sweeet, but dumb). And I didn't cry till i saw how hurt my dad was. Maybe I am missing a gene.

sheesh. this is REVEAL week isn't it? Did i leave anything out? Now seems to be the time to ask. If you want to know something, ask me. I am in "revelation" mode.

edit: i am a total dork. I love that song by the georgia satellites, keep your hands to yourself. :giggles:



happy weekends.

todays thought.

Sometimes we should have the opportunity to make time stand still and embrace the experience for just a min longer. Because we aren't quite ready to let go.

in response to some thoughts i had today. about a man and a girl.

check out the interview. (down arrow here)

The Great Interview ala Citizen Neil

Sighs. This is an entry that started with my fav LA Citizen Neil. He started it. Blame him. I commented right after cookiebitch (She is a meaty read, you should check her blog), so she was bestowed the honor of perusing my stamp on the net, and coming up with some questions that will in turn be flavored with my obvious surrealistic, idealistic, un-homogonistic responses.
Onto to the revelation!!!

Questions
1. Your nickname is Memsahib. How did you get that and what does it mean?

I used to be a constant on my all time fav radio station, radioparadise.com. They have a section of forums, journals, all kinds of great music info links, etc. (And some of the finest people I have ever met) One day after a particular "RP Get Together", I mentioned in a forum that I never had a nickname. A fine lady set up a journal taking a poll of what that nick should be. (That was an interesting list!) My Photo Guru Indian friend come up with Memsahib. Mem being my initials, and my Tag on the site,and he added the sahib (memsahib - noun 1. formerly, a term of respect a female white European in colonial India) I resemble that remark. I found out there is a movie i must obtain a copy!

2. You have four blogs - the one I spent the most time is "Not Just Nouns and Verbs." But it also seems you have a blog for your son, a blog for your photography, and a blog for your dreams (which you should link to here when you post this on your site) How did all these blogs come about, in what order, and how do you keep them all straight? Are there other blogs you'd like to begin, and what would they be like?

When I was in College they called me two names; Space Fox and Spaz... I guess only the Spaz stuck. I blame ADD and lack of decent medication. Plus the fact my brain doesn't stop really. MY mind works in shifts. Most times parallel shifts. All thoughts on different tracks and levels,but in the same dimension. Like those multi level checker games... you can you see it? Feel my pain? So i find that instead of keeping a journal, i can get that schmeg out of my head more rapidly online, on different boards.

ANYWAY. I started blogging for the first time when pregnant. The original was very poetic and rich. I was at a low spot then. That blog has actually become my photo blog. I wanted to keep it alive, as there is some good writing over there. I decided to start a fresh one after I moved from TX to CA (obvious reasons) which has become Not Just Nouns & Verbs. The title is descriptive of my style. Always more to know than what is written. Lots of in between the lines. The blog about my son, well, thats obvious! I don't have a lot of time to do writing in a "baby book".

The Wordpress blog, memsahib visions, is where I can say things I wouldn't say here. More hardcore FU kind of land. I sometimes find the need to just get stuff out, that may not be relevant to reality, and I do like to have a little spot i can speak in whispers or shouts. without much fan base.


3. What have you always wanted to blog about, but haven't - either because you're too afraid, it's too controversial, or you just don't know how to do it justice or put it into words?

I really don't hold much back. I have spent many years in recovery and therapy trying to alleviate my self esteem issues. If you ask me I will tell you. I think maybe a more relevant question would be where would I like to see all these come together and what can I accomplish here? Thats the step I am at and contemplating.


4. You write as yourself. But how does your blog (or blogs) differ from you as a person? Is there something people would be surprised to know about you after reading your blogs?


as I said above, there isn't much I hide. I found out one day while staring at myself in the mirror, hiding doesn't suit me. What I need to work on is boundaries! things you may not suspect of me...

a) I lettered my senior year in swimming, the freestyle relay. We had some fast gals in my school.
b) I always wanted to be a DJ. but realized the money would suck. and I didn't like the culture of music at the time.
c) When I was a little girl, my grade school took us to the police station for a day trip. When one of the officers were talking about guns, and gun safety, He showed us what a magnum bullet does to a phone book. A small entry in front and explodes out the back, like a cone. At that very moment, I had to run out of the building and I puked on the front lawn. Ever since then the sound of guns, or gunshots makes me physically ill.
d) I believe in reincarnation.

5. You have a rather lengthy blogroll (which includes me, by the way - thanks!). But if you are having a really busy day, which two blogs can you not live without, and why? What kind of blogs don't you like?

Love the FADDAH. But i go there to read his poetry. Love Post Secrets.

Most others I drift around through.. off and on, i visit them all in a weeks time. Neil ain't too shabby either. (shout out for the citizen)

6. You are into art and photography. How does blogging fit into your artistic endeavors? What artistic itch does blogging scratch?

The way i see things in life isn't really different from other people, but do like putting things together the way someone else may not see it. Through out my life, i have had people say to me you know how to use a unique word in a phrase that makes me stop and think. So i guess its just an ability to blend words and create images. And I am a freakin chatty cathy in real. so... there it is. blah blah blah.

7. What post you are most proud of and why? Show me a link.

I wrote some damn fine poetry. But that muse is history. This piece about companions, well thats my heart right there.


8. What makes your blog (blogs?) unique from others?
not much. except that its mine. and that no one else has put up a pic of themselves doing a kartwheel. Or daydreamed about a guy at the TACO joint.

9. If you were to cast yourself in a movie, who would you choose?

good question! i may have to think about that for a while.

DIANE LANE! from streets of fire. (was going to say Haley berry, but can't for obvious reasons.) I also think I am a bit Stockard Channing too. I would LOVE to be Nicole Kidman, except for all that Christian scientist crap.


10. Who do you admire most, and why?

People that are wise, honest, real, trustworthy, generous, intelligent and honorable. I don't have much use for idols. I prefer the everyman and the daily struggles we all overcome. The everyday heroes. If I had to choose someone whose life I would like to have for a day? Oprah. I want to be able to interview people and have TUNZ of money and influence to do good.

wow. did you make it this far without falling into a coma? YOU friend deserve a scooby snack. thanks to cookie for coming up with some great questions.

Original

"Kindness cannot be taught by harshness - not by any amount of harshness."
~Raymond M. Smullyan, "The Tao is Silent"

This is an original Melanie. I had a night alone the other night, and actually picked up a pencil and started sketching. How wonderful that was. I can't do that with 1,000,000 questions and needs being tossed at me, faster than I can respond. It was a good beginning.

what do you see? It reminded me of an old poem, Out of the Cave, which I am sure you all have read.

be well. stay focused. forget the pain. namaste.

The weather

Okay. Its finally here. The weather that I have been missing since I left TX. We are forcasted for rain all week long. WOOO HOOO!

Go weather, make it wet. Real wet. Want to see flowing streams this summer when I start taking the mini me on hikes. Time to get him out of doors and moving!

note to self: buy little guy his own umbrella. and maybe some wellies.

Interrupted due to Visitors & Illness

Sorry about the delay of decent posting in these here parts. I am sick as a dawg, and had my family visiting this weekend! Thats my bro and his nephew.

Hope all had lovely weekends. Another post coming soon. Have a few thoughts about traveling. Wondering how I can get to all the places I want to go.

ttfn

The Tink Sporks.

Thank you to Ms. Tink for the shout out. I don't mind being compared to a spanish soap. Always thought of myself as a surrealist. i see it as a compliment.

When

When did talking to someone, sharing your thoughts and feelings, with no expectation or commitment, become a crime? A reason to isolate someone from your life?

Have we gotten so disconnected that we dont have any feelings whatsoever? I asked the angels the other day to keep the people out of my life that cant be friends to me. Always be ready for what you ask for.

I really feel sorry for my little man. He wont have a world of compassion or truth. He wont have the magic we learned in the sixties or seventies. People are self absorbed and imperialistic. I pray that one day without religion, or prejudice, i will be able to help restore the faith of people in the power of connection within each other.

Time

Today, I am thinking about time. We have been put on time clocks at work. I am no good at time constraints. Believe me when I tell you this. I don't know if its the discipline of it, or the fact that I believe the measurement of time is a freaking joke. Time is an illusion people. No matter what "time" we place a sunset or a sunrise, it still happens. Time is a measurement so WE human beings feel like we are in control of something. A comfort level of sorts. So the bean counters can calculate what it costs. So managers have a handle on employees. So that everyone can meet somewhere at a specific "time".

I know measuring it is necessary and reasonable. To label this space with increments we call time. But truly it makes me laugh when I think about how insane it is that people get so worked up over it. You can't change things by timing them. You only place them in a slot so you feel like you have some control over the infinite universe we live in.

So have you wasted enough "time" reading this? then go. ponder. realize what time means to you. I would love a life to do things in the way they approach without a time constraint. How much would that reduce our stress? Oh well. EFFICIENCY!!!!!

Its all an illusion set to rolling by those that want to define and delegate. Not by mannerist artists like myself.

Take that. CARL SAGAN! where are you now? What do you think about time?

(Saw him speak one time in Dallas. Impressive how many people asked him question did he believe there was life on other planets. His final response, and not in a frustrated manner, "There is no proof of life on other planets. We should worry about life on this planet instead of proving there is life on another. What about ignorance and poverty?", he replied. Carl was a wise one.)

Resolutions

I could write down a list of resolutions, make up some kind of babble about what I want from myself this year. But I know me. The real me is flaky, idealistic, full of love and hope. She doesn't want to be pinned down by inability. I have chosen to believe in myself again. My resolution is to keep her safe. To make her a healthier mom. She needs to give more with a smile than with a scowl.

Hence If there was a list?
Healthier foods. Make sure to put them in there.
Take opportunities when they cross my path.
Learn to not fight the endings.
Continue to embrace the new beginnings.
Make sure the people I love know that I love them.
Train a young man to respect women.
Find a smile in the eyes of another.
Pray.

Get some sex. Hell yea! And sing loudly so that I can spread the word, i deserve to be loved. and worshiped. not treated like a painting on a wall.

Nuff said, compadres!

and father? I promise by the end of the month, I will belly up to the bar and put up me playing a little ditty on the guitar! just for you cuz youz so sexy! :giggles: :cool:

The New Year

Happy New Year all my buddies! Sorry I have been slacking in my duties. I was having a vacation from all serious endeavors, and thought. Just playing with a kid and making merry.

Resolutions to come. Just wanted to put up an update. For now.

happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy...

Happy Holidays

this is my little corner all decorated.

things to do:
make someone smile,
be at peace with the world
take lots of pictures
be grateful and giving

things to remember:
there is always someone worse off than you are
you can find love in every moment
everything happens for a reason
not all presents come in boxes with bows

I hope everyone has a lovely and safe holiday.
happy holidays cyber family.

xoxo

its raining!

The phrase from the song, it never rains in southern california is so true. BUT, Today? Its raining! For the last day and a half we have had big fat raindrops. I love the rain, don't you? I just wish I was at home (instead of at work) curled up with a blanket and a good... book. yea! :-)

giggles...

Orca sighting

Ok. So. My coworker goes out to the channel islands regularly to fish and surf. He came across a pod of killer whales this weekend! They normally don't come down this far. But here is the evidence. Enjoy! (and don't rip the pix. they are his. thanks!)

Saying Goodbye

To a dear friend. I won’t explain, its not my case to reiterate. They know what has transpired. The way things have gone down. I wasn’t someone they had “time” for anymore.

It sucks when you get to a point in your life and realize that no one has chosen you. My heart hurts today. I will always be me. I hope that doesn’t end up keeping me without a partner the rest of my life.

I need Moses...

These words are haunting me today and I don't have much understanding why. I think this is going to take a few days to settle.... at least the next 24 hours. I don't feel particularly unhappy or lonely today. or yesterday for that matter. I did talk to a very lonely person last night though. It makes me wonder why people would shame themselves in the name of love. We all crawl out of that cave eventually i guess. Some of us never have to deal with it. Lucky creatures. Anyway, here are the words. Patty sure can pen a tune, eh what?

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
I don't necessarily buy any key to the future or happiness,
But I need a little place in the sun sometimes or I think I will die.

And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
With an empty apartment and a best friend who is a queer.

Every time I see him he smiles and he tells me how well he's walking these miles,
But I he never ever asks a single thing about me,
If I die, he'd hear about it eventually.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.
And everywhere is somewhere and nowhere is near,
Everybody got somebody with their wine and their beer.
So, I'm just this tragic figure in the corner over here,
Go home to an empty apartment and call a best friend who is a queer.

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses to cross this sea of loneliness,
Part this red river of pain.

Patty Griffin ~ Moses

Dougnuts and Colin

I love Thursdays. I hate Thursdays... They give us doughnuts on Thursdays at the office. Muffins, bagels and doughnuts. I think I have a "homer simpson" thing about doughnuts. I can't not eat them (as the wee one used to say). I am going to plan that into my diet on Thursdays. And eat like a rabbit the rest of the the day.

I have said this before. Colin Firth. I have NO idea why he does it for me, but that man... ooo yea. I had a dream about him. It was strange, and he was single. I was house sitting. One of his two cats hated me! And there was this incredible crystal snow globe that was 2 feet in diameter at least. It was encircled by a patina-ed brass ring with knobs that you used to rotate it. It was shielded in the back by a deep blue enameled brass sheet, curved to fit the globe. Star scene painted into the enamel. Inside the globe was a scene representing some kind of village, but all I could focus on was the figurine in the middle. Not a cherub really but a winged creature, and childlike.

As he was looking at it I touched his back. He turned around and gave me a far away look, and picked up his suitcase and left. As he exited I watched him from the window. Another scene came about and we were acting in a movie together. It was set in New England, and the time of the pilgrims.

ok. whatever. I just had to get it out of my head. Colin is NOT a very good kisser. :giggles:

SO.. i am a blogger SLOTH!

meh. I never made it around to creating a video of the waytoolong named entry. So, Father, send me that Robert Earl Keen MP3. I will record it for my very own blog. That way just my readers can be "bemused" by my haunting voice and huge headed son acting goofy with me!

want to make a bet I don't do it? or... come on. lets see the wagers! (i need incentive)

more insanity to come. believe me. :wink:

christmahanukwanzaakah online holiday concert

Ok. I don't know if any of you click on my links (as I am a complete outdated dork who doesn't have the know how to create a blog roll/rss feed thingie). One of my "blog reads" is Citizen Neil. Neilochka lives and writes in LA. Sometimes he makes me laugh. Other times he doesn't.

I got an email that was from Neil. He said, you have to submit your song by Sunday night. I was all like, WHAAT? Seems that I had made a comment on his entry two weeks ago that I would record a song... yikes. By Sunday night. Double yikes. But after the initial scaredy cat reaction, I started thinking about what song I could sing.

Yea I am going to do this! I think I may even get the kid involved wearing his santa hat!!

so dear readers. Give me some suggestions. Run Run Rudolph? Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas? Something from the old Rudolph program? Give me suggestions! Then check over at Citizen Neils place on Monday to see the results.

this should be way fun! hi HOOOO. hi ho hi ho its off to the mall we go... :giggles:

oooo DREAMWEAVER....

Thank the holy universal energies that lead me to the place where I am standing today. Can I get a namaste from the crowd!?

I have a great job. Well, I work for a pretty good company. It has its problems for lots of reasons I WONT go into, but there are a lot of benefits too. One of them being is the allotment for education. My boss agreed to pay for us to learn Dreamweaver. We need a website built for one of our divisions. I looked and looked for a classroom setting, but none that I could take at night, or during the day. What I did find was another COOL website allowing me access to video tutorials 24-7.

lynda.com

For all my graphic buddies? The Lynda.com Online Training Library® is a worthwhile investment. A plethora of video tutorials for any freaking graphic program under the sun at a reasonable price. I am just lucky enough that my company paid for it. I have made it through Photoshop CS2 basics, and Photoshop CS2 for digital SLR. Now I am working on Dreamweaver 8 Basics. I have three more classes I would like to skate through by Feb 2008. Photoshop for Web, and 2 Advanced Dreamweaver classes. This may not be the way everyone likes to get their education. Some people need "materials" they can hold. (I am starting to live my life in the "less is more" style.) In my vision of the future, its definitely going to be built into the budget as a yearly expense of my forthcoming company. I think the amount of information and the accessibility is an invaluable tool to any designer.

That being said, look for an upgraded site for the ole' memsahib in 2008. Time to get SERIOUS about developing a site for my future endeavors.

I hope you all can get some use out of these links. I am always looking to learn something new. They do have some photo tutorials on there as well.

Edumacate yourself. ;-)

My new FAV site.

I am a budding new photographer. I have had my camera less than one year. I don't have but one lens. I don't have any filters or accessories. Its not like I don't want them I just don't have the money for it.

Anyway, a good friend (who takes pictures) pointed me to this site, Photosig. Its a site where people critic your work! Now. I used to be the kind of person that would whimper and retreat when I got critiqued. Now, its the most useful info I can receive. Check it out sometime. I have put up a few photos and only one got a bad review, and one got no comment at all. But out of 8 photos, in my uneducated opinion, that is a damn good ratio!

Anyway. I find it fun to start looking at this passion as something that could be profession someday, in some way. I don't want to rely on it to make a living, but a monetary return, so that I could buy some new equipment? yea. thats the ticket.

So, check out Photosig, its pretty darn cool. Beware, there are sharks in the water there too. Just don't let yourself bleed to death over it.

edit: have you noticed how teenagers act so much more "entitled" these days?

It Rained

Its cold.
I'm lonely.
And cold.
It rained last night.


And I have to write a self evaluation today. If I could write it on how far I have come as a person, not related to my job, it would be much easier. Instead, I have to "evaluate" a position that I took over from someone that was in this job for 8 years. Navigating my way through a system that has NO guidelines (or rules written out), other than "you did that wrong" responses. Its not going to be a pleasant day but I am sure going to think glowing thoughts about my accomplishments here while I compose my bosses review of me.

Update. My son is still trying to play the "make mommy mad" game. I have succeeded. Until the head butts come. YIKES. I think he has a head made of concrete. He will be good at sports. :wink:

edit: Don't you LOVE pita chips and hummus? I am just saying ;-)

Get Mad Mommy

yea. its thursday. I have noticed that my son is starting to do things that make me angry, and he is doing them on purpose. He even said to me this morning, when I was trying to blow his nose, get mad mommy. (he wasn't blowing it of course).

Yea Kristi the family counselor comes tonight. Thank God! sighs. sometimes a little intervention is all you need. Right moms?

I was sleeping.

Almost a week since I came to this space. Sorry to admit I didn't miss the computer. I was online working on photos or talking to friends only. AND I didn't do that too much during the holidays either. I ate, and slept. Watched movies, took a couple of walks, played with the kid, did laundry, slept... cleaned up my apartment, ate some more. And napped. It was soooo nice. I also had a nice Thanksgiving day meal with some friends. Reminding myself that there are nice people in this world.

I still feel tired though. Imagine I slept too much. Something happened that kind of bummed me out, but I am learning to cut my losses quickly and move forward. Still doesn't stop me from getting blown down by events that involve my heart. Even when you lose a friend, its still a difficult blow. (no smile. it's not you.)

So its Tuesday. I have a car that needs some repair, but I want to accomplish that myself, just to see if I can do it. (Battery cable needs to be replaced.) And I am going to do that.

I looked at this heavenly apartment last week. Two bedrooms, in a nice quiet complex, swimming pool, two spas, workout room, laundry hookups in my apartment, dishwasher, full kitchen... corrian counter tops, bar, full size fridge... le sigh. More than I can afford right now. So I am going to dream about it for a while.

Keep those positive thoughts coming. I had a piece of news this morning that may change the living arrangements for the better. :pray: :manifest:

I don't know why, but..

Saw someone with a thank you note today. And this song kept popping into my head. This is the Pre-Thanksgiving thank you note. Not saying anything about anyone, just had to put it out there. and out of my HEAD!!!

I always thought she was saying "Thank you Canada, Thank you tarragon, thank you..." I am officially a DORK!! (SUWHEEET).

maybe I should work on a parody for my Thanksgiving day entry? Hm... stay tuned for "whats the dork gonna spew next?".

Thank U - by Alanis M.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

Thank U

I had a drink but not a smoke.

I am sitting in front of a light
wondering why I shared your words
more days pass, your resolution fades
taking prey only when you are lonely

why do you misjudge in ignorance
people will see past the illusion
no mystery, just a man hiding in the alley
selecting a street lamp to sing underneath

when a back turns cold on a promise
very few moments give back a reward
memories to lay with in your bed
an illusion you make out to be more

fear is a standoff with yourself
your kisses are guarded
I will not be afraid again
I have survived being abandoned

time to remember, be brave, stand up.
disregard all the people who allow
me nothing by their presence.
leave me alone if you wont share

The Sheep are Missing

Ok, so we are back to the insomnia again. I haven't slept well in three days. I really need a sleeping pill and a good stretch of time to catch up. Doesn't help that I am having these weird dreams. :eek:

where is that man with the dark hair?

edit: Jay, I accidentally rejected your comment. so I wanted to publicly thank you for it. I read it!

Under Construction

Sorry I have been so lame lately... I am working on making my apartment livable. Don't have much time for anything else.

keep watching I will be back with another thrilling episode of watch me spew... :eyeroll:

Vocabulary for Rice

I was waiting for my half of a half of a bagel to toast this morning, and I read about this site in the local paper. Its called FreeRice. You go and they test your knowledge for words. Each correct answer awards you 10 grains of rice. Subsequent answers, 10 grains of rice.

They are donating grains of rice through the United Nations to feed the hungry around the world. Go. Play. Define. Donate.

I think this is a very good thing.

Random Selections

I am so tired. I watched Nightline last night titled "The Forgotten War" about the upcoming article in Vanity Fair regarding Afghanistan and then couldn't sleep. So... now I am having random thoughts...

• Have I mentioned that I am back on my weight watchers? I did a post about my revelation regarding food. A divine moment for me. I have felt a shift in the tides. I am going to choose better, dammit if it takes me the REST OF MY LIFE!!!!

• There is someone in my apartment complex that either washes their hair 3-4 times a day or is doing something completely different with the Highest pitched hair dryer I have ever heard in my LIFE!!!! ARGGG. I swear that dogs are howling from 10 miles away.

• My apartment looks like a storage unit exploded in there. I have too much crap. Does anyone want some crap? its good crap, but still. How many freaking spatulas do you really need? Or Tupperware for that matter? :sheesh: That being said, in one room, I have 6 chairs, a couch, two desks, and entertainment center, a toy rack, a shoe rack, 3 tables, and TOYSSSSS... sighs. i am losing it.

• The battery cables on my car are past the point of tightening. So... 80% of the time when I go to start up my car? I have to pull the hood latch and operate on the battery. Oh joy.

• Thank GOD i have Lexapro. And a family counselor. And a kid that reminds me to laugh most of the time.

• My hair is looking exceptionally fabulous today!

• My son is gorgeous... have you seen him? I talked to a psychic the other day, she says, my he is a flirt isn't he? I had to laugh and tell her he is only 4. I fear the days to come when I have to answer phone calls from the poor girls he is bound to unintentionally (i hope) mislead.

• So do you think that the war in Afghanistan is working? Do you believe we are getting anywhere there? My thoughts are, if it keeps them on their toes, maybe it will keep them from plotting more attacks on foreign soil, like the US. I was surprised to see how defensive the elders were. I must read more about this to get a better understanding. Fuck Iraq. thats a given. But this Afghanistan thing is scaring me.

• Did anyone else see the Iconoclasts special with Mike Meyers and Deepak Chopra? It is a MUST see. Love them both. Deepak is amazing as is Mike Meyers. Its a comparison of enlightenment and humor. Excellent quote from Deepak, "I think humor is humanities device to escape suffering." That is my philosophy as well, hence the tag line on my profile.

• Has anyone seen the Bee Movie? I am jonesing to hear some Jerry voice. Give me the skinny.

• I am going to be Kid FREE this Saturday! I really want to finish working on my apartment but need some big strong arms to help me move stuff... I will make a superb dinner if you can offer assistance. Give me a menu, and I will comply.

• I put my phone on vibrate, and stick it in my pocket so that when someone calls me or text messages me, i get that extra umph to the message. Hey, I pay for it!! Got to take advantage of the perks. :giggles:

• I have started putting only creamer in my coffee no sugar. And I am beginning to like it that way much better.

• What is the Christmas wish list, huh? I have two things. More room for my son and his toys. And a telephoto lens. oh, and our troops out of Iraq, and Afghanistan.

• Is it Friday yet? I need an extra day off. I think I am going to take off Friday. :sweet:

I think that is MORE than enough. Happy Tuesday all. enjoy the freak show!

I feel so GOOD today.

I am feeling renewed. Somethings are actually working in my life.

ah... deep cleansing breathes.

Mom in Training Week 3

So along with this Mom in Training challenge/counseling, I am blogging the results of what I am learning. Instead of finding something new to type today I thought I would share with you what an invaluable service Kristi Miller has provided me. This approach really works with me and my son. Anyway, last night we had a major breakthrough. THANK YOU KRISTI!


Last night was my third session with Kristi (- Solutions in Parenting). I am having some personal anxieties due to my living conditions at the moment, so I am having a difficult time centering, dealing with my son. Last session she had me focus on really getting to the core of what I am feeling when I get anxious/angry. I realize that being centered lies at the root of any successful relationship in life, but hey I am human.

After the second weeks session, I have started to become much more aware. Last night, was another great example. It is very nice having her watch my interaction with my son, and step in to give me some interaction and conversation methods to follow. Here is an example.

While we were discussing some of the discipline problems, and how that this expansion is normal behavior when our children are finding their independence at certain ages, A. starts drawing on the wall (thankfully it was a washable marker). I could not see what he was doing, but Kristi turns to me and gives me the "look at what he is doing" sign. He says Mommy i drew a... whatever it was. Now, Kristi and I decided that it would be a good time to watch me in action. I was not really upset with him for drawing on the wall. I find his creativity quite amazing. The first thing that crossed my mind was he needs an easel. So instead of getting angry I got frustrated because I knew that I would be the one "cleaning up this mess". (notice how you are feeling when things like this happen is my new mantra) I started talking to A. about how I loved his picture but it may not be the best place to draw it.. and on and on and on. Austin started getting very physical at this point and not listening. Kristi stepped in and took over. She pointed to his drawing, and said, it may stain the wall, and we need to remove it. What do you think will take it off? And if we use the water, how do we get it on the wall? And within a few minutes, he had a bucket and a sponge, and was cleaning the wall. I then suggested if he liked doing that much he could clean something else. He was completely motivated. I was amazed.

What I discovered is that I use way to many words. He can be motivated with the proper emotion attached. If you make it a challenge, and he has the tools, he will feel like he has accomplished something, and he doesn't feel shamed. Which to me is the most important aspect. I was shamed as a child, and that has a very adverse effect on self esteem.

Challenge for myself this week: Make sure to get to core emotion/feeling, a quick check of where I am, before I approach a situation out of reaction. Understand when I am using too much speech. Make it a habit to speak briefly and concisely. Offer him the option/chance to be independent by helping him discover for himself.

Every challenge is an opportunity for each of us to grow. I have to remember that and reduce my frustration and anger.

Happy Weekends all.

Slacker

I AM A SLACKER! There. I said it. I feel cleansed.

I didn't do my parent homework this week. I mean who am I hurting by being a slacker? Myself!!!!! GEEZ. I am a dork.

Thank you for sharing my pain.

*shuffles off to shame herself*

happy birthday f a t h e r L u k e

nataliedee.com

you say its your birthday...
its my birthday too yea...

x's and o's

Hunger

Why do I feel like I am hungry all the time? What is it that I am lacking in my life that makes me want to fill this void with food? I can tell you its not an actual "need to eat". But something I spoke out loud this weekend really got me. I was talking to a friend over the weekend about smoking and said, "Cigarettes no longer have power over me". Immediately after saying that, a light went off in my head. Food. Food has power over me. What are the elements that surround that? Why is that so?

Main reason, we all have to eat at some point to maintain proper functioning. The wonderful tastes in my mouth are sensual, sublime, and provocative even. I enjoy food and all the aspects that surround it. But there are limits. I am overweight. I am compromising my health because I won't say no to excessive calorie intake. I don't make "my power over the food" a choice. There are few tricks I have relearned over the last year, from getting involved with Weight Watchers again, that seem to assist me in this dieting.

One of them is portion control. After getting on Lexapro, and on a more even level with my emotions, I am feeling more in control of this one. I am actually having moments when I realize I am eating out of emotion, and actually CARE that I am doing that to myself. (Before, I just put it down to, no one gives a shit about me (including me) why does it matter if I eat everything.) I let myself have things I crave more in moderation. There are times when I eat more than I should, but realize this is setting me back. I have to make choosing wisely the habit/norm.

Another factor that works for me in losing weight? Exercise! I have not been to the gym in 6 weeks, and I feel like a sloth because of it. I can't tell you how important getting in regular exercise is for me. I notice such a huge difference if I go there at least three times a week, if not four. My breathing is much better. My agility level steps way up (i like that one, devilish snicker here). Circulation, sleep, managing stress, its all so much better when I Exercise. Why don't I do that? :sighs:

Ok. so back to my original intent for writing this. That statement, "has no power over me", opened up the door of understanding my "addiction" to food. I have started looking at it in a whole new way. I wish I had time I would do a food diary. Write down what I eat, how I feel while I am eating it. Was I hungry when I decided to eat this, etc. But right now? I haven't started a parenting journal I am supposed to be writing. Blog entries from the parenting classes I am getting, 2 behind there. I have a studio apartment full of boxes and furniture I can barely get around. I have uvulitis. My son needs me. NEEEDS me... I can't enjoy my picture taking or study the two books my wonderful friend sent me. I am a spread thin.

BUT!!! This idea merits some support. I will have power over food in choosing ME! Whatever that takes. One step at a time, I will become thinner, more confident, and more agile. Because that is what I WANT!

Send wishes, prayers and strength. Also, suggest any tips you think work for you while you are "under the influence of food". Thanks for sticking with me here.

the uvula

I have an infected uvula (uvulitis). I hurt in the head, and my throat is raw.

blech. someone watch the kid for me so I can rest. thank you.

edit: please remember if I comment on your blogs today, i am feeling wobbly and light headed. don't take it personally, or if you can't comprehend my comments at all, sorry.

Mom in Training

Ok. You ALL know I am a single parent. I love being a mom, 80% of the time. He is a kind sweet little boy, who is so much like me its frustrating sometimes. When it comes to discipline, I fall short of complete actions. I was using techniques that offered results, but not a lasting solution. Bargaining and threatening are lame when it comes to effective discipline or motivation. Those techniques are only good for a brief period of time... when they are really little. As he grows and gains the confidence he needs to live a full life, I need to be able to communicate effectively with him. And that wasn't happening on my end. Not one little bit. I was getting desperate, and frightened that I was losing a battle that may get away from me completely. I sent my little pledge/prayer out to the universe, requesting some insight.

So, while cruising the local parent website, SBParent.com I entered a contest called the Parenting Challenge. And I won! YIPPPEE! One on one counseling sessions with an independent family counselor.

Once a week for the past two weeks, and the next two weeks, I have time with Kristi, from Solutions in Parenting. (I think she needs a website, and I am going to offer that to her, if she wants one.) What an EYE opener! We are talking about parenting not out of exhaustion, but out of active listening and being present with my son. I am CRAZY tired by the end of the day, but still have enough energy to be with the little guy in an emotional state and meet his needs. Oh the things I have been enlightened too. Our challenges are simple, but like she pointed out to me the other day, even if its something simple like getting him to dress himself, this will effect so many other things that happen in our lives. Finding a solution to this requires my attention in how I communicate to him, and motivate him. Making charts that show him what he needs to be putting on, walking through the process with him step by step so he feels confident, etc.

This takes time. And sometimes I feel like I don't have one more second to spare in dealing with this, or should I say I get to the point of, I can't listen to one more person ASKING me for something. That said, taking the time to accomplish this now will save me so much time in the future. And it will solidify the bond that we need to develop to be loving, respectful, and useful for one another.

Parenting is great. But sometimes, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, its work. And I like working. I hope I can do as good a job here as I know I can.

Goal in place. Now to create the strategies and map out some of the elements. No matter the plan, life creates a lot of waves, just like the ocean. I am confident I can keep customizing the surf board until we have more smooth rides than not.

COWABUNGAAAA!!!!!!! Mom in TRAINING!!!!!

The Companion

This is an entry I posted February 2006. Someday, I will find my companion. I know he is out there, somewhere.


Have I ever been in love? I am wondering. I know that I have made attempts to share my heart with the opposite sex. I have shared my body with the opposite sex. I have been so entranced by the someone that i got lost in its dream and faded away... into a person I didn't wish to be. We all share this story.

Its a story of love. But tell me readers. What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is it the way the ass looks as it walks away from you? Is it the breath that caresses your neck as you sleep? The time you lie awake waiting to see those eyes looking at you again? Is there love in those moments? And when they do leave us, does love leave? Not really. Like all great days, the sun sets, and it fades. Its bright beautiful colors growing darker. Filling the corners with its remaining pieces of glitter and momentos. And that finally fades to. But our hearts always hold a piece of that. Like ice frozen in a rock, our love melts but it makes a space that remains with us always.

This week I have observed the evidence of love. And love lost. From the eyes of my women friends, some who are saying goodbye to their visions, perspirations and perpetual heart song flowing out to that other. The promise of the other. The being that completes ourselves. The companion makes life worth living! Reminds us to sing, laugh, shave our legs, paint beautiful dreams with our words to them, about them with them. Sweet sisters. We must remember one thing, without us they would be nothing! And in leaving us for another, they have left themselves without US! A true friend and companion. But such are choices that we have no control over. Hence the pain of the greatest feeling we will ever know.

We find ways to remove ourselves from the pain. From the heartache. Taking down old images and replacing them with mirrors. To remind ourselves of our beauty, our purpose, and our ability to overcome. Until in that mirror we see our light shining again. We put on our amour, and we saddle up to ride again across the wilderness. Looking for the companion. The other. The one that makes us laugh, sing and soar above the old pangs of love. A true, sure and honest companion.

But, damn all this waiting. Its hell on my sex life! ;-)

Halloween

OK. I admit it. I am BORING this year. I wanted happy pumpkins. (basically because they are easier to carve)

and here they are.



I will put up a picture of George later... I tried to do a good job on the mask, but... not happy with the results. He on the other hand is ecstatic.

Halloween Humor

Why can't witches get pregnant? Because Warlocks have hollow weenies... HA!

Morphin.

%1

OK. NO way do I look like this woman. but this is cool.

enjoy.

Weekend...

Man. I am tired! I love Santa Barbara. There is ALWAYS something going on. And if you think I am kidding, check out the SB Parent.com.

Friday night was slow. Went out for Thai food. Found a good restaurant so that is good news. Then off to a friends. Austin wanted to play with the "boys" (25 year olds. :wink:)

Saturday:
The Opera. Hansel and Gretel. A-man enjoyed it. He asked me about the animals, the curtain, why there was a cage on the stage, when were the animals coming back, where were the people going, why was there smoke, and "look the sky was blue, and now its red". He sat still and watched. Afterwards there was a party. They had things for the kids to do. Mask making, bracelet making, decorating gingerbread men, floral hair wreath making, and face painting. They also had hot dogs and juice. Good times.

Then, you wanted to go and play with the "boys" again. I obliged you. I like going to CC's house.

Sunday:

Kids Parade (Halloween) All kinds of kids in costume marching down State St, tossing candy. He wasn't too happy about asking for candy. A-man is shy. (So much like me when I was younger). But he managed to get some goodies. Then we went to a "bunny" festival. That was very interesting. I think everyone wants a bunny when they see them. So fluffy and soft and cute. He kept asking me for a bunny. That is not going to be his first pet. (I am thinking a gold fish.)

We got him new shoes, and "Meet the Robinson's". A-man finally passed out around 9:30 last night.

We were both tired this morning. Mommy needs work weeks to recover from the weekends.

Ready for Halloween? :excited:

Boobs

I have boobs. They take up a good portion of real estate on my person. Its not something that I asked for, am ashamed of, or even despise. Although my lower back may say otherwise most days. Why am I speaking of them now? Reason: I was observing some photos from a flickr contact. The images were of civilians being trained as volunteer fire fighters. What does this have to do with boobs do you ask? Here goes.

These women in the photos, there were probably 3 or 4, didn't have large breasts. Now, I don't applaud or judge them for this. What point came to mind is how much IN THE WAY larger breasts seem to be. They were strapping on the harnesses for oxygen, and their boobs don't interfere. I mean, if I donned this thing, well, i don't think there would be enough strap! I found myself feeling upset because my anatomy can get in the way of some possibilities. sighs.

Here are a few examples of my upper body interference.

• Have you tried to make a complete golf swing, like with a driver, and not be able to bring your arms across your chest? You have to move your entire body. not good.

• I have knocked drinks over at the bar WITH MY BREASTS... You know some people talk with their hands, and knock them over. I have other ways. Thankfully it makes my friends laugh, male bartenders find this intriguing, and I get another drink for free. (Thought I did a blog on these occasions, but must not have...)

• Its a playground for my son. well, until he turned 3, we would be in the store, and down the shirt his hand would go. He even pulled down my shirt at the dentists office. Thankfully the dentist was a funny man, Making the comment, Well at least we know he is going to be a boob man. HA. funny doc.

• Imagine playing co-ed football and getting tackled and landing on them. OUCH!!!!

• golf swing, baseball bat swing, same diff.

• FORGET running. Just forget it. I think my swim coach made me do it on purpose so he could watch me. He was eventually prosecuted for being a perv. PERVY coach... He also made me a diver... Ha. as if that anatomy can ease into the water without a splash.

Now good people, don't get me wrong. Much pleasure can be found with the anatomy that doesn't involve organized sports, or public exercise. And I wont have a reduction, because the procedure is still too barbaric. Like I need to lose sensation there. NOT. Another annoying fact? It's the last place I lose weight. No lie.

So. I am a large breasted woman. I should write a poem, or a song. Keep watching. I think I am going to do just that. Stoop it anatomy. But i guess we are all built for something. My guess? I am built for pleasure. (Cause milk production, well. That was tricky at pregnancy) And if so? Why is it I get no action? :ha:

duh.

You Are 52% Bipolar

You're a bit moody, and at times, your moods can be a bit extreme. It's up to you to decide if you're simply dramatic... or slightly bipolar.

Are You Bipolar?

CHA! Like I needed a "blog thing" to enlighten me. enjoy this scientific test, my bipolar counterparts. HA! ha ha ah bwhahaha.... hey, how did they know my favorite color was purple, and that my arms are longer than my legs... ooo look. something shiny.

*wanders off to watch the hummingbirds*


OFF TOPIC: I apologize for not visiting your blogs regularly. I am a mess of madness this week. too much to do, and as usual put it all off till the last minute. blech.

Rituals

Have you noticed lately what kind of little rituals you have? I mean the only thing that brought it to mind was while dressing my son this morning, after I put on his drawers, he held out his feet. He is used to the "getting dressed" ritual. On him, I put the underwear on, socks, pants and lastly his shirt. In that order. The way I get dressed is about the same. Last thing to go on is the shirt. I kind of like walking around half naked in the mornings... (shhh, i didn't say that out loud).

Other rituals, for example, are in the bathtub. Wash hair first, then conditioner. Then the soapy sap on the loofah sponge, mmmmm soapy sap, then shaving, then scrubbing the face, then pumice stone, then rinsing off conditioner, then out! And the whole hair ritual that follows that, product applied, teeth brushed, then face lotion, deodorant, etc. I mean certain things just must be in order.

What is the ritual you notice most in your life? The way you make your coffee? Your commute to work? Or do you have a ritual of which socks you wear with what outfits? It amazes me how we become more set in our ways as we get older. Maybe its just environmental education. We know how we like things to be. But doesn't that sometimes lead us to being crotchety or stodgy? I don't know. I do like my certain brand of toilet paper, folded in a certain way. And no they can't take that away from me.

I wish everything in my life could have a little more order to it. But then again, what a total drag to be ultimately predictable. right? Just thinking out loud. Enjoy your twoooosday.

Hey Texas, you reading this? :giggles:

Where is my smile... pouts.