Single Parent Daze

We all know I am a single parent, blah, blah, blah. Its not that bad really! Like the highlight of our weekend was the circular exit ramp at the library. Plus an entire day the beach Sunday. But it has its difficult times. This morning was one of them.

My son is at daycamp this summer. Loving every minute of it. Seriously, they are on the bus almost everyday going somewhere. Today I woke him up and looked at his "schedule". Today was the waterslide. He was so excited. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, you can follow the bus in your car!".

I sighed and looked at him saying, "Well maybe. But you know I have to work."

He said, "Then when you get off work, you can drive to the waterpark and meet us there."

I said, "I don't know that you will still be there when I can get off work."

Then I walked into his room to get his bathing suit and towel for his backpack. He comes limping into the room. "Mommy, George says I can't ride on the bus with my broken leg and you have to drive me behind the bus to the Waterslide."

My heart broke at that point. I momentarily thought about skipping work and going, but I know I can't because I have a surgery coming up and need all my vacation time to cover that. I said, "Come here baby." I gave him a big long hug and looked at him saying, "I really wish I could go but you know we need the money and I cant."

He said, "Ok mommy."

Those times are the hardest to deal with when you are a single parent. Not having the "time" to really be there when you kids actually want you to. Oh well. He will get there and have a blast! Thats what really matters most. I can at the least provide that for him.

Birthday week!!! Fun times ahead.

Musicals

I don't care what you say, I love a good musical. Whew, there I said it!! I am out of the closet. Sweet freedom! Maybe its because I think life should be like that sometimes. We should be able to just break out in song during whatever we are doing to sing and dance! I couldn't possibly name every musical I have seen or liked, so here is a short list: Hello Dolly, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Godspell, Hair, Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, My Fair Lady, Chicago, Fiddler on the Roof, Guys and Dolls, Little Shop of Horrors, South Pacific, Sound of Music, Camelot, Pippen, Chorus Line, RENT, Cabaret, Oklahoma, Oliver, Mame (one of my favs) and many more. I bet I could sing a song from each one. And now? I am happy to add another. Hairspray! I am devoted to the original movie by John Waters, (even my five year old son adored that film) but this transitioned very well into a musical.

What an outstanding soundtrack written by Marc Haiman and Scott Wittman for the stage. I believe I read somewhere there were a few new songs written for the film. One of them i believe is a pop tune sang by Zac E. (Ladies Choice). Most songs reflect the sound of a soul filled church choir with a pop fifties big band instrumentation (Big Blonde and Beautiful, Welcome to the 60's, You Can't Stop the Beat. Run & Tell That). I found one that was just irritating, (I can hear the bells). But they all fit so well. Man, what a stellar cast! John Travolta makes Edna beautiful!! I love that guy. Christopher Walken, well that just worked. Who doesn't want to be Queen Latifah when they grow up? Zac is a way too candy for my tastes, but that boy can belt out the tunes. I love Elijah Kelley more than I loved Billy Preston in the day.. (giggles). Of course Amanda Bynes is a charmer. The star Nikki Blonsky will never be Ricki Lake, but she uniquely reflects Lake's original Tracy Turnblatt with a touch of class. Michelle Pfieffer is the perfect bitch, but I sure missed seeing Debbie Harry and where was her Sonny B? Amber? who cares. As for Corny Collins, the man pushing for integration and winning, Marsden was right on. The only 2 scenes I wish they would have retained are the jail scene (free Tracy Turnblatt) and the hippie scene with Ric Okasek and Pia Zadora, but I wasn't that disappointed.

There is something uplifting about a good musical. This one is upbeat and hopeful. Come on get your groove on! You can't stop the beat!!! :dances her big white girl butt off:

When you listen

Are you listening objectively or subjectively? And when you speak, is it to tell someone something or hear yourself speak? What is it I am doing? This kept me up for a little while last night, after I soothed my son who had awoken from a nightmare.

I started getting melancholy about someone that I used to talk to online (hi brad). Now online is the worst kind of communication because it doesn't hold all the nuance of real connection. It can come very close, but still. Example... Someone else I have talked to online finally got up the nerve to call me. He said, "You sound completely different than what I expected from speaking to you online." Well DUH! sheesh. I keep having faith people will reach a clearer point of enlightenment as a collective, but its damn frustrating when there is so much technology to hide behind. Oh well.

Rollin with the earth here in so-Cal. And all is well. I am speaking from my true self.

Maybe I should quit.

But, its debatable. :giggles:

happy freakin monday people. is it happy hour yet?

The Gift of Life

We are all gifted with our lives. That is my belief. Life is a gift that you have been given and YOU choose what to do with it. Remember that word. CHOOSE.

I have preached this sermon before. This line of thinking came to me while I was still a young girl, but really struck home in my first logic class in college. The teacher was giving us a formula for logical progression, if this is true and this is true then the out come is this. Don't remember what the formula is named. A "privileged" young man in my class was trying to debunk the theory with his example, "attending college". He was being a smart ass, saying, my parents made me come to school. I got upset that he was wasting my time with his drivel. It was time to speak up. I mentioned to him the reality of his lazy words, then said, "The real truth is every thing you do in life requires a choice of some kind. Even conscious breathing. You could have chosen not to listen to your parents. And chosen something else." We continued on this vein of conversation, and the young man NEVER got the point of my words. He wasn't ready to give up on the "victim" role just yet. We all have our little dramas going on in life that allow us to not be connected to ourselves or a part of a whole. Victims, drama queens, super-hero's, over achievers, blamers, florence nightengales, etc.

I decided to write about this today when I came across the blog of a mentor/friend of my mothers. She is a woman I have met quite a few times and counseled with. Her name is Ann McMaster. She is a person that lives her life uncovering her truths and assists others in rediscovering theirs. This is a very note worthy undertaking and I feel honored to have been a part of her teachings and counseling. Her blog entry rekindled in me the ability to make choices we each have. And how important they are.

I met her through a program that I have been involved off and on with called More To Life. This is not just a self help awareness training. Its a way to find peace and a better life. I don't subscribe to any one theory of living. I choose to find the paths that work for me and try to stay on them. My choices lean towards self degradation, as I have very low self esteem. This program awakened me to that shortcoming. Or should I say it helped me discover how seriously deep the "unworthy" complex ran in my own personae. It also gave me the tools to help fight it off when it reared its ugly head every single second of my day. It helped me become less reactionary, more positive and more aware.

I HIGHLY recommend this seminar to anyone that I know friend or foe. I realize not everyone can handle the raw truth of their life. People all deal with things in a different way. But think about this, while making these choices we all have, wouldn't it be gracious if you could connect from the pure point of now as opposed to drawing on experiences the past or worrying about the future? Its a very free feeling knowing that you are comfortable with whatever is happening inside you and trusting the universe to work with you at any given moment. This program helped me be able to look people in the eye with confidence, knowing I was ok. Even more than Ok. I was me. And that being me was pretty great and worthy.

Sighs. As all things in life, ups and downs are a given. Especially with the way the economy is going and the current world affairs. But, learning how to deal with issues in a proactive method that is the ultimate challenge for me. I challenge you to do the same. Discover yourself and what your mind tells you is true and what the REAL truth is. The mind is a tricky piece of meat that you can outwit if you don't listen to what YOU programmed into it.

The gift of life has come to me in the form of a small guy who is smart and has a lot of really cool questions to ask me. I want to be able to have some really cool answers to give him. And smile while we both learn. every, single, minute.

Choose your LIFE! There are still people in this world who care about you even if they don't know who you are. Because who you are is important. We are all connected.

me soño por lo tanto estoy.

For those of you non spanish speakers, go to babblefish. I should start every morning with an hour at the keyboard documenting my dreams. This stuff is what David Lynch uses for his stories. I promise you.

Sunday night was a dooozie! I can only remember bits and pieces now. One if them being I lived in a very large white house with a windowed porch. As I walked past one of the window panes, the glass was missing and Steve Earle's face was sticking through the pane. He was howling at me like something from a William Faulkner novel. Followed by some pretty wild makin out. I remember showing someone around my house, and opening all kinds of windows letting the light in. And offering a new man to stay in the back bedroom I was renting out.

Then I was at a Victorian Motel that I ran with someone. I was in the room with this writer that was trying to seduce me. He was wearing a red velvet robe, kinda like Hugh Hefneresque. He was giving another woman and I some kind of rose flavored delicacy licquor that tasted awesome. She was laying on a chaise lounge in a floral robe that was slightly open. Her boobs looked like she just had surgery on them because you could see the blue stitches sticking out from beside her nipples. Freaky. She was saying something to me about her husband leaving her and now it didn't matter. I remember filling up my drink glass, and walking down the stairs quickly thinking I didn't want to get involved with those two. Then I was in the car with some friends on our way to a party at the beach. They all had something to drink with them and I decided that I wanted a bottle of wine. Stop at that liquor store I said, we pulled in.

It was some kind of middle eastern place with brass plates and rugs. When we went in, it turned from a liquor store to more of a restaurant/hash house. There were people wandering around everywhere. There was a kitchen where they were preparing food. I could smell it. There was one room I walked in that reminded me of a haunted house I visited as a child. Stark white with some silhouetted stark arrangement in the corner. Sometimes that feeling, when a room is full of nothing, can be intimidating to me.

The following room I walked into there was a woman in white and graying sari, she was in her 80's I would guess. She had long silver scraggly hair. She started to profess to me about life. When she finally looked at me, she had lizard eyes, yellow opalescent with slits in them. I felt so at peace with her, as in I thought she needed me for some reason thats why she was seeking me out. She said, you have suffered for a long time. Its been a long long time for you. I said, Can i help you with something? She said, its not quite over but not much longer. I offered to help her to a seat. And left her with the friends she had there. I wandered back through some rooms with various themes that were part Indian, part Middle eastern. And lots of people, wind chimes and drinks.

After that, we are back at the beach with friends we are waiting for fireworks. Its night time and dark out. The moon is amazingly full. I mean it was HUGE and sitting right on the water. I remember thinking is it going to set completely? I don't want it to go away. Very surreal. The water was rough, but dark and inviting but I didn't get in. Instead we sat and watched the water, then headed home on foot down the boulevard.

Now.... Monday night. I don't remember how it started. Or if this is the exact way it started. The main them of the movie was me downtown somewhere with a friend hanging out. We were near a water park and decide to go there. We were in the swimming pool. There were people in the hot tub. Somebody kept throwing a boat in the hot tub. I was confused about that so I went over there and said to my friend, lets get this boat out into the big pool. She kept saying NO.. I said fine! Anyone else want to go? No response, so I jumped into the boat. Then a young man jumped in with me. He was sitting behind me. It was kind of strange since I didn't know him,I went with it. the boat went up a ramp. Then down a ramp, the up and down these conveyor belts, then drop you like at the water park~ We were having a great time. But he was really quiet. Then the young mans father came up and said, I need to talk to you. We parted ways, I got an uncomfortable feeling. I went back to check on the boy and found him dead. I knew that his father had something to do with it. He was going to try and frame me for the incident. I realized no one had found out what was going on just yet so I hid. I remembered the boy and I had left our cell phones somewhere. Then as everyone was distracted by the body, I snuck back and got both our cell phones and some other recording devices I found that the father planted and was planning to use to set me up. I wrapped them up in a bandanna and took off without any clothes on. Just my bathing suit. At the moment I was coming out of the building the "father" shows up and sees me carrying the bundle... I run out into the streets. And lose him in the city traffic. I end up at a close by eating hole that is full of pirates!~ (I think that came from seeing pictures of Pirate Days Ventura Harbor last weekend.) I sat down, ordered a coffee, and proceeded to check out what I had collected. Then I woke up.

Steve Earle was my bad a*s Faulknerian lover. Sounds like a great song huh? Funny it was like we had always known each other and always comfortable with each other. But the shortest part of the whole dream. Ha! whew! I typed this fast and furiously to get it out of my head while I can remember it. Do you guys dream like this? Or am I the "lucky one"?

you know its true.

My son has told me that I am beautiful every day in the last week. So it has to be true doesn't it?

yea. I am beautiful.

me without makeup. :wink:

Nomad No More

Last night when I was talking to a friend. I looked up and saw something I had been looking for all week long. The laundry room coin purse. I squealed. She said,"Whats your problem?"

"I found something I have been looking for all week long!!! Now I can do some laundry."

Then the conversation continued, but at that peak moment a thought crossed my mind. Its probably not the one you are thinking. What crossed my mind was, I have been in transition mode for most of my life. Moving. Moving. Moving. No wonder I can't find anything, I am always living out of boxes. In limbo. Only keeping out what I need at the moment. Lets examine my nomadic transitions.

My first move happened when I was an infant. I grew up in my big two story house on Hartwegg Ave. in Ft. Thomas KY. I have been told that we moved twice before my move to this house, but I don't consciously remember it. Then, when I was 13, in 1972, we moved to Texas. And that was major league devastating, even though I was unaware of it at the time. From the white cultural mecca of Cincinnati OH, to a tiny town between Houston and Huntsville where there was still unspoken segregation, and LOTS of trucks. Yea. This move was the first of many. I don't think outside of living with my parents I have ever lived in one place for more than two years. Yikes. Can you imagine? Lets fact-ualize this.

This thought process started yesterday afternoon when I was looking up someones address/phone number online. It occurred to me to look up my own. What is online about me? I finally got to the page with my information and there it was. I had six documented addresses in Dallas. But, I would say in the 15 years I lived there, I had 10 different addresses (apartments/warehouse/house). They didn't document where I lived before Dallas, which was Houston. I had 7 different abodes in a 10 year period in humidity roach infested h*ll-town. Before that was college. I lived in the dorm, then university apt (a great tequila story from that time), then to a house with some girlfriends, to another cooler house with some gay friends. Four moves in a three year period. Man, no wonder I feel confused and lost a lot of the time. I am not used to having a place where I can feel settled and focused. Yet.

This started another process of thinking about all the things I have lost or sold over my life. Paintings I have done. Furniture that I should have held onto. Things that have moved on to others lives that I miss, but not much really. The transitions changed me for the better in a lot of ways. I am not so attached to "things". I don't feel the need to have them around me. I am actually more comfortable without them. I prefer to not have a lot cluttering up my living space. I have a kid now and the whole process begins again. Gathering, collecting, storing and having things that you like to have around you.

Now I want to settle. Picturing my future. In my perfect home life scenario? One big comfy bed, one table big enough for eating, reading, drawing and working. Two comfy chairs with foot rests. And a big huge full amenity bathroom with BIG fluffy towels. Big closet with cubbies and storage. Swimming Pool. And a washer/dryer. And a green house. And a cottage big enough for my parents out back. I don't want a lot of furniture. I would like my home to be more like a gallery. With my paintings on all the walls.

So. In light of this, I realize that maybe the nomadic portion of my life is at an end. FINALLY. I am sick of moving. Time to rethink my desires for the future. How can I come up with my perfect home? What steps do I take to make that happen? I feel the need to nest and settle. I have found a spot that makes me feel like an adult. Weird.. REALLY weird feeling for me.

So is there an olympic sport for how to purge and pack for moving? Cuz I am SO on that! Let the games begin! Watch out BEJING!!!

_______________________________________

I am diggin' on IMEEM. So please if this is pissing you off? Let me know. This song fits for todays post.

Gap Fire, War, Stabbing and Whistles.

I been thinking lately about the people I meet
The carwash on the corner and the hole in the street
The way my ankles hurt with shoes on my feet
And I'm wondering if I'm gonna see tomorrow.

Father forgive us for what we must do
You forgive us we'll forgive you
We'll forgive each other till we both turn blue
Then we'll whistle and go fishing in heaven.

I was in the army but I never dug a trench
I used to bust my knuckles on a monkey wrench
Then I'd go to town and drink and give the girls a pinch
But I don't think they ever even noticed me.

Fish and whistle, whistle and fish
Eat everything that they put on your dish
And when we get through we'll make a big wish
That we never have to do this again again

On my very first job I said thank you and please
They made me scrub a parking lot down on my knees
Then I got fired for being scared of bees
And they only give me fifty cents an hour.

Randomated.

Sorry that I have been slacking. To date this week?

My Space Has sucked my brain out of my head... :giggles: Its a vast ocean, of people and musicians. You can hear all kinds of music there. NEW music, without purchasing it (which any poverty stricken gas buying consumer knows is the last on the list when you need food n stuff) and I feel back in touch. And finding new music. Flirting a little too. That doesn't hurt.

Has anyone else gotten into Imeem? Made your playlists? Uploaded songs? Looked for songs that you can hear online? I have a renewed interest in music. wopeeeee!!!!!!

I watched No Country for Old Men. I was really pissed when the good guy died. And the main character will always be psycho for me no matter what role he plays. May have changed his career forever. I should watch it again, but I sent it back to Netflix.

There are fires close to my job. People I work with live close to this fire. I am worried for peoples safety.

My son is in Day Camp. He comes home everyday wanting to still be outside, and falls asleep around 8 pm! Thank you almighty FSM for the extra hours of parent time in the evening. I bless George who heads up this camp. Poor thing. When i walked in the other day all the kids were whining about something! i mean its a serious whine-fest in a group of five year olds. I said, do they whine all day LONG? He rolled his eyes and said OH yea. This is mild. I bet he wants to change his name, like I want to change mine from mommy sometimes.

I spend some of that free time reflecting on what I really want from my life here. What do I need to do next to keep moving forward. I need some studio space or a corner of my house to put up an easel and paint. ("manifests positive thoughts of creating her next level".)

What the heck am I going to get my dad for his birthday? sighs.

What the heck am I going to do on the fourth of july? thinks about food and fireworks.

Back sooner than last time.

The Curve

Well are we all being judged on the curve? I am not sure. I know that if you make a mistake, you are more likely to be remembered for that instead of being seen for what you have done right.

When did our culture become so counter productive? Do you believe the fear of not having is driving us to isolate ourselves further into our electronics and specific fields of observation/recognition/expertise, forgetting that we are here and now with each other? And that the true purpose is in the interacting with each other?

I have recently had the privilege to interact with three unique types of people on a more intimate level. They all three are so completely different. One speaks only through his work. Thats what he wants to be seen for. One speaks only on an intimate level, believe that is the only true interaction, the other allows the world to be as it is and accepts what is offered up as it comes. Of all three? The last one is the only one that I see smiling more.

I feel blessed that I can interact with a lot of different types of people and be present in the knowing of their "worlds". None of us are wrong, or right. We just are.

Who you be now then? :cheesygrin:

by and by she's moving through the tide, so say so, so say so.... :whistles:

Truth #2

Five years ago, I left a (up to that point) 5 year relationship with someone that I loved heart and soul. BUT, he broke my nose, gave me a black eye, permanently disfigured one of my fingers, and denies his son. I woke up one day and realized that I didn't have to be a door mat. When the line in this song says, I looked at my reflection in the window walking past And I saw a stranger I KNOW what this means. I have lived it. I promise you I will post this song with me singing it this weekend. This womans lyrics have always made me feel in touch. Click on the link to the play.



You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby that might be so
I might get to the end of my life
Find out everyone was lying
I don't think that I’m afraid anymore
Say that I would rather die trying

Chorus:
Who-oh
Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

This time when he swung the bat
And I found myself laying flat I wondered
What a way to spend a dime
What a way to use the time, ain't it baby?
I looked at my reflection in the window walking past
And I saw a stranger
Just so scared all the time it makes me one more reason
Why the world's dangerous

Chorus:
Who-oh
Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I lack the proof
Well baby thats just not so
Tell me what's wrong with having a little faith
In what you're feeling in your heart
Why must we be so afraid
And always so far apart

Chorus:
Who-oh
Swing me way down south
Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love from my lips

Zeitgeist

Someone pointed out this movie to me the other day. Has anyone else seen it?

Zeitgeist

Friend

Sometimes when you meet someone new and start having conversations there is a connection on a deeper level. But there is always two sides in life (ying/yang). So its longevity is based on the interests of both. You are bound by their limitations, resistances and history. They only open as much as they allow themselves. And life goes on in and around this tornado.

Not sure why the world works in these ways, nor am I unhappy about it. You find people that fit a particular situation, you connect for the brief time its meant to be a connection. Then once its light dies, you walk off in hopes of finding a similar situation. One that lasts a bit longer than the previous one. One that feels like you are at home. One that you know will bring around a smile each time you hear their name. And hopefully they will remain true to being a friend. Remain constant to being available even when you are bitchy and uptight.

I, too, am only human and with my own limitations. I know recently I have let someone down but not without giving it a good try to see if I could “just be friends”. I found myself becoming intolerant of a condition that this person consistently overlooks. And instead of being an adult and saying it in a mature fashion, i reacted. I think it was supposed to happen that way. The only way I could get out without making a big scene.

I hope I find a someone to share my heart. I have found someone that I like, makes me feel comfortable, without any major drama. A different feeling than I have felt with any other man. But in all honesty? I see it as just a stepping stone to the next meeting. Again. And isn’t that what all experiences are in life? I am getting weary of all the traveling, heart wise. My heart is heavy with scars. It is wrongly conditioned to be distrustful. And too naive for its own good even after all its experiences.

Am I in the wrong to keep buying the hope and dream of having a life long friend? Or am I just being tested over and over until i am ready? Or is this some kind of payback from a previous life? I sure hope my friend will always be my friend. But recently someone I thought was a friend left me. Abandoned me. Someone I thought would always be there for me. A deep bleeding gash is there. And will be for some time. I can’t forget him. But I wont cry anymore over it. Unless its late and I come across something we shared and I am tired. And feeling lonely.

Thank you supreme being for feelings. Even though I know that sometimes they cause me the most excruciating pain I have ever known, its also provided the most generous of joys. Nothing is perfect which is just fine by me. Where are you friend? I miss you. Find me. Lets finally smile and sing in the between everything else times.

RIP George.

Another legend passes on. Thanks for all the eye opening dialog and gritty humor. You will be missed.


George Carlin, NY, Iraq War - Funny home videos are a click away

Money..

I hate it. I have considered a life of prostitution, but thats just redundant. I work in marketing /advertising. ha.

I have been juggling my finances for two months over a freelance check that didn't come and didn't come and didn't come. I got it? Couldn't cash it. Sent it back. Then it finally got here again and I had to mail it to the bank (which is in Texas). I sent it priority for Monday delivery. Checked this morning? Its not there. I know that the mail I sent to my parents got there Saturday and I mailed from the same place at the same time.

Something about this payment check that is freaking twilight zone. I can't figure it out. AND another payment I requested to be automatically deposited into my account? They sent me a check. Paper work correct on my end, I had the experts help me. Come ON!!!! AND I STILL have more going out than coming in after all that.

I am going to buy an outfit for my son and myself. We are going to become street entertainers. Look for our little "gig" on the streets of Santa Barbara. Don't throw eggs unless they are hard boiled. We will need them later for egg salad.

Help me SUZIE!!!!!

Fathers Day

"Lucky that man whose children make his happiness in life and not his grief, the anguished disappointment of his hopes. "
-- Euripedes

Another Year has gone by without contact. I am not upset about it until this day. I have decided to get out of town for the weekend. We are going to find some peace at my sisters house. I am happy that we aren't going to be at home alone. I know it is what we both need. He is feeling the absence this week, because they are doing fathers day projects at school. He doesn't have a dad. Well, you know what I mean. He doesn't know why there is no dad. And he doesn't ask. He loves our family. But he is feeling an empty space this week. And maybe not just for himself. He has been sad. He has been clinging to me. He has been acting out. He is afraid to be alone places. I am at odds to deal with it when he wont communicate his little hearts despairs to me. I wish a dad would come sooner rather than later.

Fathers. Mine was a salesman and was gone a LOT when I was younger. I don't remember seeing him very much as I grew up. And when I did he was tired. Sometimes drinking. Most of the time laughing and playing music.

I wonder so many times about people that grow up without both parents. I made a choice not just for selfish reasons, but for spiritual reasons. This was my gift. I am very sorry for his father that he couldn't absorb his ability to share in this gift. But I am not responsible for the lack of respect and honor this person shares with the world. He has chosen his path. And so it goes.


My son is sweet and deserves all the love in the world. All life is rift with lessons and love. I hope that I am providing both with grace and laughter. I am father, mother, teacher and friend.

I deserve a raise... Any volunteers? :cheekygrin:

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads, and single parents out there! CHEERS!

Monday

There are some Mondays I bound out of bed and am excited to get back at it. Knowing that something I am going to do that day is going to be helpful, to someone. Today is NOT that day. I have some files at work that I messed up and have fixed, but I am not feeling confident about the interaction that is going to surround this conversation. Such as it is, I march on to the place where my paycheck comes from.

Friday was graduation at the preschool. That was a treat! Look at all these little faces. Do you think they are destined for greatness? His teacher said to me, this is by far the best class I have ever had. Sometimes I wonder how fate plays in this world. Most times I sit back, observing and giving thanks that I am a soul who can appreciate the beauty and purpose of its compositions. Life is grand.



Sunday is beach day! Meet me there next week, weather permitting (odds of good weather this time of year? 90%). Don't know how many of you are lucky enough to live close to the ocean. Its the whole reason I have been allowed to remain on Santa Barbara. I believe this. All my life I have longed to live near the ocean. Wish come true. I am working for it, believe me. But... the opportunity is here. And I am holding on with all fours. Tenacious. Longing for the next level that is going to take me above existence into purpose This is my "adult" town. I am a lucky DAWG!!!! Yesterday I made a roooookie misake. NO sunscreen on my face. Sheesh!!!!

Rocky Racoon, stepped into his room and didn't find no aloe... (whistles).

happy monday to all.

Brandon & Claudia

Last night I dreamt I was on a date with Brandon Frasier. and no... it wasn't sexual.

Graduation

Who would have thought that almost five years ago, when I was about at the end of my rope emotionally and thinking that this face was going to be given up for adoption, that I would be at the point we are now.

Preschool graduation. Kindergarten starts in Aug. Open Alternative School. Parent/Co-op school. I so love the people that are involved at his new school. But right now?? I am totally loving his teacher Ms. June. Isn't this the cutest picture ever? They all looked cute. He was in a class of exceptional children. I hope he continues on with such fun times.

Unmotivated.

Nothing really motivates me anymore. I feel like I am underwater a lot lately. And, I don't have any clue which way is up. People get in my face and its like I can't see them or hear them.

I hope this phase passes soon. I am feeling a bit lost. And pushed in the wrong directions.

*desperately goes looking for a road map*

Unconditional Love?

Love. Is it really unconditional? So far as I can tell... no, nyet, nada. its not. I really have given up. Done. Kaputz.

I need someone,
a person to talk to,
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid your sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, they do it all the time


I am so tempted to walk away quickly towards a more lucrative pastime. Art. Painting. Writing a novel about Johnny. Maybe I should just go shopping for rechargeable AA batteries for my B.O.F. He can't help carry out the trash. He isn't a very good kisser and can't keep me warm at night. But he never gives me an ultimatum or uses the "authoritarian" approach to get my attention. (Nor does he make me promises and fall short on his word. he can't speak. another plus.)

The burdens of my life and existing are MINE alone. But at least I can do it MY way!!!! (maybe I should move to Europe).



okay this is sarcasm people... I maybe a cold b*tch, but I am not that cold. I am at the end of the patience with this love thing. I am better off without.

Down at the Crossroads.

Challenge on. I would love to be this lonely guy for a day.

As I pull up into the parking lot of The Crossroads, I almost hit this tall blonde babe and her friend walking towards the door. She gives me that oblivious to the world, go to hell look gorgeous women seem to have down to an art. As she turns around, I noticed her thong under those jeans. Wonder what else she has going on under there? Promising.

I downshift the GTO into the nearest spot, grab my pool cue and jump out. Mind talk as I walk towards the door. Rodger owes me a buck or two and it was payday. Ohh yea - Crusty bastard is on duty tonight and will "buy" us a couple of shots. And a possible blonde with matching carpet? The night was righteous already.

Walking past the bouncer, "Hey Tiny! Is anything around?"

"You know Wiley, he is the coyote of the place. He walked in a bit skitzy an hour ago. Back bar I believe"

"Thanks Tiny"

I squeeze in through the first room jam packed with glamatoids. The usual Friday night bar band was off key in the background covering some old techno tunes. Why can't we get any good music in this town? I kept moving towards the first bar.

"Hey Hippie... pass the brew."

"Slacker!!!! Always a pleasure to see a consummate conniving bastard like yourself slumming down here at The Crossroads freak show."

"Thanks Sage. Can you saddle me up a whiskey shot too?"

"Whats the verdict Knob? Woodford?"

"Lets do a Makers for tonight. Follow me up with a Shiner. And get yourself one."

"Done. I think you got an idea there. Gracias."

I pass the earnings over to the older gentleman wearing a tye-die shirt saying Achieve World Peace (kill everybody).

"Now Sage? Someone might think you were on a mission wearing that rag on your chest. Have an argument with the old lady?"

"You know how she is. All talk no action. Another freakin day in paradise! Lets do these shots."

Laughter then drinking. We share a smile the working masses know all too well on a friday night.

"You got your cue with ya. Is it ass spankin time?"

"Is there any good competition in the house?"

"King Louis just walked in with his entourage. He has been drinking heavily."

Louis really was the king. He was an aging pool star with the style of Ray Martin. Just playing with the man was a lesson in itself. I never relinquished an opportunity to be on the same table. Legend. A real legend. But his drinking was getting worse and he was getting sloppy. I had been trying to stick a cue up his ass for a couple of years, only to be repeatedly spanked, shot down, humiliated. I knew one day the booze and the women would take its toll. It was just a matter of time before I bested him.

"Off to rattle his cage. Get yourself a blow job - loser!" Smile and slam Russell's tip down on the bar.

"Good Luck, Johnny" Russell shouts. I cruise through the beaded curtain to the back room.

I hear the beads rustling as my cue makes it through the curtain. The jukebox is playing Hollywood Nights by Bob Seger. I look across the smoky room and there sits the King, smoking a Cohiba and drinking bourbon. My kinda guy. I hate that bastard. And who is on his arm? Blonde. Parking lot. Damn.

The guys are waving me over like a bunch of chimpanzees. Obviously they had been there a while. "Johnny, OVER HERE!"

So much for a quiet entrance. Now for the attack. Chest out. Eyes averted and wolf-like. I approach the reason for the evening in a style that fits the room. Ready for anything.

Watching

diggin my photoshop skillz? "melanie magritte".... giggles


Its going to be dream week. The citizen asked me once why I didn't just put all my blogs on one space. Well some weeks that would be best. Others I would have a few posts a day. This is all an experiment anyway, so I am going to try to consolidate and focus. HA.

Another dream this morning I remember only part of it. I was out to dinner with some friends, all women. One of them had a boyfriend of hers show up. He was the kind of man that was manipulative, dense and self absorbed. She was following him around outside the restaurant like a puppy dog. He wasn't a mean man, just would use passive control to get her attention. Handing her flowers, telling her bad jokes, making sure she was following him.

My friends and I were "gossiping" about the situation. Watching this show... Saying, when is she going to see what is going on here? We all love her so much but she is making a big mistake. What are we going to say to her? Now I don't know how many men out there have sat through one of these bull sessions listening (or participating) to women discussing the "man" who is dissing a friend, it can get a bit too introspective, analytical down right bitchy. This was no exception. I was getting nervous.

side note about that: I get nervous in groups of women talking men like that, or anyone for that matter. I start to worry about what they are saying about me, karma, and what if people could actually hear what we are saying. I don't like saying things in private I wouldn't say outright to someones face. And I am not a vindictive person. I don't exact revenge. I get damn angry and spit fire sometimes... but thats a temper tantrum only. My days of throwing things out of windows are over. (another blog entry later).

So back to the dream. She is walking around and around. She is a dark haired friend. He has handed her two gerber daisies. She puts them over her eyes. I remember the day was sunny. They were bright orange. She is holding the daisies so it looks like she has daisies for eyes. He was waking away from her to the parking lot murmuring something just to hear himself speak. We whispered to her, what are you doing with this man? She said, "I love him, but I am not in love with him. I need to keep him around till the real thing comes along. I would have nothing if he wasn't here."

We all looked at each other and realized we have done that at one point or another. I got up and left the table. I was thinking to myself. Do I have flowers in front of my eyes too? What kind of flowers am I holding up?

Knowing me? Daffodils or Daisies. Heck that gal could have been me. Time to rethink a few friendships. You know I spend a lot of time in dream land and see very specific images. Its really a blessing. I am thankful.

Dreams

I normally type my dreams out on my Dream blog. I don't do that as much anymore. This life has gotten crazy, and I don't have the best "organizational skills". If I did, there wouldn't be forgotten birthday cards, Kid would be enrolled in camp, etc.

Last nights dream has begun to fade. But in the dream I was at a crossroad. The same road, over and over again. I remember it was on top of a hill. It was a sunny day. I stopped at the road, looking around at the houses around me. I recognized my town, but not the houses. This was a new corner for me. I would approach the intersection from the same side over and over again. No cars one time. One car another time. But sunny and nothing to be worried about. I would cross the street then the dream would move on to another section. After that brief segment, I would be back on the same corner, and crossing the street again. Same time, same position, same lighting, same grass, same houses, same motion with my head.

Now, my first reaction was that I am at a crossroads. Its time to cross a road regarding something. I don't know where it is I am going. The segments in between these crossings involved a cabin with some friends, sleeping and partying. One of the scenes was a hotel where I was with some family. I don't know how all this interacts. But it does.

One of the interesting thing about my dreams is that in time all these elements make sense. They come to life in some way and I am enlightened to what it was trying to tell me. The pain in the ass is that I don't get it right away when I see the pictures.

I believe its time for me to get back into the studio and start doing artwork again. I need the relief. And the inspiration. And the outlet. Art is a part of what makes me who I am. Time to reconnect. Maybe thats what this dream is telling me.

ANYWAY! Its Wednesday, I keep thinking its Tuesday, and I have just enough clean clothes that I don't have to do laundry till Friday! now THAT is accomplishment for me this week. SAD... very very sad.

gotta get a life. :wink:

What do Kids Know?

Our morning began with the investment of filling up my gas tank, then stopping at the doughnut shop for his breakfast. I mentioned to my son, maybe we should get a few extra doughnut bites for his buddy N.

The lil guy says, "If he is at school" then pulls his long face and a sigh.

I said, "I bet he is back today. He has been out a long time".

Sure enough he was. We walk in and N's mom says we were just talking about you! Funny how they were kind of shy at first. Following with smiles and sharing books and stories. Interesting to watch them interact, building a "best friend" ship with each other. He had been out sick all week long. They missed each other so much, we had to have a 45 minute phone call the other night. They were making farting noises, laughing, talking about Spiderman and the Power Rangers. The little guy has even made a friend with the little girl that lives upstairs. But she is no N.

After realizing I no longer existed in my sons eyes for the moment, I left for work. N has a little sister G. She is about one year old. N's mom and I were walking to the parking lot talking about our getting together for the weekend, what times, etc. G looks at me and reaches her little arms out for a hug wanting me to hold her. What a sweetie. Holding little beings just so they can be held and loved is so relaxing. And affirming.

What do children know? They know how to live in the moment. Be in that space comfortably and assuredly. Something most adults find difficult to do. Today I affirmed a long ago decision that I want to work with children somehow. They aren't simple and easy, but they sure do have a loving touch. And its normally unconditional. A little more expensive than a pet, but well worth it for the education.

go git one yursef. or even better, make one. *giggles*


weekend news:

I hope you all have wonderful weekends. Mine starts with the festival at the mission with my good friends J & C. Then as you know, a cook out. Then Sunday... the long awaited Indiana Jones movie! (love that song. LOVE it) and then playing in the park and an early night. And Monday? The relaxing sounds of the waves. all... day... long!!!!!

take care and make memories. I will be here on Monday for a memorial day post. ciao.

The Harvest & an approaching Holiday

One of the wonderful things about living in Southern California? There is an abundance of fresh produce. And I mean from down the road fresh. Today when I got back from having lunch there was a van with some fresh produce in the parking lot. I got half a flat of strawberries for $8.

mmmmmm fresh ripe strawberries. I love summer in California.

Combine that and the cheap charcoal grill I just got in time for the weekend, (thanks CC),

I just might have some strawberry margaritas and grilled fish tacos this holiday weekend... who wants to join me?

Bring chips, salsa and a homemade ice cream machine if you have one. Remember spending holiday weekends cranking the ice cream maker? Putting in the ice and rock salt? That is one of my favorite holiday memories. Besides being at the pool or the ocean. Being sunburned from playing outside all day, and anxiously awaiting home made ice cream.

Maybe strawberry ice cream? or mango? What goes best with fish?

I gots me machine!!!

So, my G5 had gone into the shop for the third logic board replacement. I would have done that third one sooner, but I am LAZY! (never underestimate the power of true LAZE).

I called Apple after dropping it off to the mac geeks I have grown to know and love (The group of 20-30 year old mac geek guys that love talking shop and how great macs are). I said, Apple? We have a problem. Love my G5, but the wiring is shorting out my logic board. And I didn't need the Mac Mechanics to tell me that. :wink: After shuffling and some bantering, I finally was transfered to the right people on the phone. Customer Care. I am talking to "Josh" (i don't remember the first person I spoke with) I say, "Josh baby? I got one month left on my warranty, and I got a machine that eats logic boards. The guys at the repair shop told me to contact you because this isn't normal for a Macintosh. And they told me, that Apple replaces machines that have continuous problems. What are you going to do for me? I don't want to be stuck having to buy a new machine because this one was faulty to begin with."

Josh says, "Let me put you on hold for a few minutes and evaluate your case and come up with some options. (Many minutes later.) What I can do for you is give you my name , my extension and we will take this on a case by case basis. If something comes up you can contact me directly and I will make sure you are taken care of."

I giggle. "Josh, how long have you worked for Apple? And how long are you going to work for Apple? And, God forbid, what if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? Then who do I contact for the "case by case" arrangement? I am sorry that I waited this long to take it in, but that shouldn't be an issue seeing as its happened three times in 2 years. If I had known about this I would have saved myself 1000 bucks and bought a PC. But I have always loved the reliability of a Macintosh. So. Why don't you just extend the warranty for another year and we will see what happens in that time."

"Well, let me put you on hold for a few minutes to make a decision and I will be right back with you." More time on hold. "Ms. Melanie? I am going to replace your machine. We here at Apple want our customers to be satisfied. We are only shipping out our Mac Pro machine. But we will match your memory and all existing peripherals. I will pass your info on to the replacement division, and someone will contact you to complete this transaction."

Well thank you Josh! That is the response I wanted from the beginning. I had to do a bit of dancing and firm jolly dealing, but I got a much better machine with an airport card built in (that I didn't have before). And the fan doesn't whir so loud like a train as in my old machine. It came to my house last week. I am in love.

For those Mac addicts that are concerned about software crossover, the current Rosetta software built into the Mac really is seamless. I can run all my programs without a hitch. I do know that software being developed wont be. I had to purchase something for work to run on my old G4 and it doesn't run (man its really hard to work on a klunky machine at your job when you have a race car at home).

Okay. Round two with the new Mac. You can bet I am going to purchase Applecare again for $250. Its the best money I think I have ever spent. Well, pretty darn close.

Power Mac Turbo Force, GO!!!!!!!! (too much power rangers in my house this week. ick.)

I don't have Cable TV

HA!!!!

All you addicts... I gave up the TV for the summer. I do NOT miss it. Sitting in my office listening to my coworker and another person talking about "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars". Who is going to win? Isn't she a cow? Why did he do THAT song?

I mean come on. Who really cares. The one thing this week I was upset for not seeing was the earthquakes. I know its probably overdone on CNN and other news stations. Thank you NPR for keeping me informed.

I am happy that I don't feel the stress of "keeping up to date" with whatever inane reality show is on. I plan on going without for a long time if we can handle it. Funny you used to be able to get at least public television without cable. Those days are gone.

My mind suck currently comes from Jewel Quest II, thank you very much. That being said, don't even ask me to give up my internet... oh no.. don't even. How else am I going to find fun stuff like this song about boobs? I still haven't figured out twitter yet, thankfully. AND I am all about chatting. :wink:

OK enough. Carry on you slaves to your cable distributors. I think I will read a book.

Happy Mothers Day

A Mother's Prayer

Help me dear Lord, as a mother, I pray
And bless these hands folded in prayer today;
May they be ever strong as they guide, as they teach,
Being never too far for a child to reach.
May they never, with selfishness, try to dissuade,
Nor too quickly punish, nor too slowly aid.
May they point out the pleasures in laughter and song,
And may they show, wisely, the right from the wrong,
So that one day I'll know that I've helped all I can
To make her a woman, to make him a man.

- Mary A. Loberg

Happy Mothers Day to all Moms, near and far. May this day bring you together with your children. And may you all smile and enjoy each others lives.

May peace come to mothers whose sons and daughters are not with them for any reason.

I went to San Diego and got sick

A trip I thought was going to be a really nice calm relaxing trip... turned out making me sick. I haven't been here because me and the little man were under the weather. A three day cold we caught from my brother.

Anyway, Sea World was amazing. I would have spent the whole day and night there, but there were reasons why we couldn't. If you click on my photos you will see some of the images I shot there.

These turned out the most intriguing to me. There is no alteration to the photos except for the lightness or darkness of them.



Shamu was awesome~! The penguins looked sedated. And they had puffins in the same exhibit. These Whales... well, it was like watching ghostly embryos underwater. I am glad to have my camera back.

In other self pity news...

I am really sad this week... someone has decided to leave my life without a good explanation. Someone I thought highly of. Whom I guess doesn't think so highly of me.

It hurts when you are a part of something then someone makes a decision to change things... and forgets how much it is going to affect you and/or hurt you and shows no signs of caring. I wish i didn't have feelings. Life would be so much easier.

Fair and Relaxing Ocean Waves

We went to the Fair from 12:30 to almost 7:30. And it was hot. The kid wasn't into the rides too much, but his little buddy was! We found a shady spot and hogged the table for a good part of the day. I was the only adult in our group that got on a ride. I had to ride this one. HAD to.. it intrigued me all day long... calling me to it. That feeling of flying through the air, with hardly any restraint. Once I got past the "unsafe" feeling, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.



The buddies rode the train a few times. They went to get on other rides, but my little guy was kind of scared. But finally they rode this ride 4 times. It was a simple ride. The cars were going around in a small circle then whipping around the corner. They laughed the entire time.



We spent to much money on BAD fried food, like corn dogs and fried cheese. And too much money playing cheesy rip off games trying to win stuffed sharks. We ate peanuts, funnel cakes, corn dogs, roasted corn, shaved Ice with mango, passion fruit and banana syrup, Lots of water, caramel apple, kettle corn, and bar-b-que. And lemonade. I was burnt out by 7:30.

Then on Sunday to the Beach for a much needed day of sitting and watching the waves. And the seals. And the people. And the dogs. and the kids... laying under the umbrella. I still need some sleep today and not likely.



Summer is coming.Time for the beach. And that sounds like heaven to me. I love beach time. Haven't had any sleep this weekend. I will write a more creative and intriguing entry soon. In the meantime, enjoy the sounds of the sea. (click below)

THEIVES!!!

I have recently been perusing the illustration blogs trying to get some inspiration to start painting and illustrating again. Today I came across a blog by an illustrator named Luc Latulippe through another illustrator named Chad Covino. (Both extremely talented people).

A company in Hong Kong has downloaded his entire blog, published it in China and is selling it online. D*MN!!!!

Beware. You never know who is out there stalking and plagiarizing. I am not so sought after, but others may be. Be informed. and stay abreast of information about web thieves.

Good Luck Luc and Chad!

Do Carnivals Need Themes?

Peace, Love and Unity. (I guess they do.) People are encouraged to wear tie dye and the whole sixties gear. Yea right. Our community has a lot of activities. Its a great place for kids. Have I mentioned that at all before? And seeing as I am just a big kid this is heaven for me!

Now, for a week, it is the Santa Barbara Fair & Expo. Grooovy baby. Buy a wristband so you can ride all the torturous and rickety carnival rides at one price. I am excited about taking the little one! Fried stuff, ice cream, things that go whirling about, bad carny games, laughing kids and entertainment too. The entertainment, besides the local bands and dancers, includes fire spinners, a hypnotist and a magician. I haven't seen a magician in a long time. I have never seen a live hypnotist. I don't know that the kid will sit through the hypnotist, but magician? heck yea!

When was the last time you rode on one of these!?



You can bet your butt that I am on that ride! We are going on Saturday with a friend and her son, family, etc. That will be the only day I will get to test my nautious levels.

In other words, look for pictures! I can't wait to potentially drop the camera at this event on Saturday. You know I am going to max out that memory card! We are going tonight for a teaser, cuz the kid is dying to get close to the ferris wheel but not on it. I am going to try to get him on it. Not sure its going to happen. Fingers crossed.

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we are so glad you could attend come inside come inside.... :cheesygrin:

me new Lens

the camera is back. wooo hoo!!! I haven't taken it out of the house yet (i am a little nervous). I shot some things around the house. These dahlias deserve a little better treatment, but this wasn't too bad. I hope to get out tomorrow night to the fair, and get some REALLY fun shots.

more to come! mem hearts her nikon.

New Sounds

ok... WE moved. yea yea you know. Our old place was wonderfully quiet. I got used to the sounds of the "others" in my old place and could sleep through it. The upstairs guy occasionally bounced around. There was the schnozzle horn guy every morning at 730. I could hear everyone peeing or drying there hair in the last place. Don't have to worry about that anymore either, thankfully. The old sounds are gone. We are on to a new set of audible environmental wonders.

In the new place, we have a dog that lives in the house next door. This pooch hates being outside and being alone. He doesn't bark thankfully. But he does moan. Like he is in pain. Sounds like emotional pain. Poor thing. My kid yells this morning, Shut up DAWG!!! :giggles:

We are close to the freeway. About 1/8 of a mile. A new ocean tide kind of sound. Thank God for double pained windows. Smart landlord.

We have two ladies living upstairs. A young girl that lives with them a few days a week. The young girl that lives up there comes and goes a lot late at night. And the girl next door, she parks her car outside my window. (THAT is going to stop real quick. She is testing me I can tell. I don't want to be pissy. I just don't want to look out my window at her car!)

So sounds at home. And now? They are doing construction on our side of the offices for the last two months. BANG BANG BANG CRASH!!! all day long.

I am looking at prices for a zen retreat where no one says or does much of anything that makes noise.

Does anyone remember Ren & Stimpy?

Stimpy you are getting on my last nerve ending!!!

its CLEAN!

Friday night, Saturday day, and part of Sunday I cleaned out my old place. Out from the old and into the new. Finally moved. woo hoo!!!!

my ankle hurts. my back hurts. my head hurts. I think I picked up a cold. *sniffle sniffle* but its DONE~

Done, done, and I'm on to the next one... :whistles:

Earth Day

You know, I am not a "tree hugger". But I do believe in giving back to the earth that gives us so much. I wish i was more pro-active in my attempts to lessen my footprint on the planet. But we are all works in progress.

Our town is having an all day Festival! Come and join us. You can imagine how much trash that event is going to generate. :giggles:

I hope we all find time in our lives to recycle when possible and realize that fossil fuels aren't worth fighting over. There are alternatives. The money and lives exhausted on this fossil fuel war is overwhelming and depressing. Its affecting the temperament of our society. Imagine if we used those lives and that cash for research and development of alternative means of power. We would be an even bigger world wide power, a more positive and impactive influence on our planet.

Off the soap box. Enjoy your weekends and be kind to your mother.... EARTH.

Randomized.

Things rattlin around the top drawer.

• Here's your Dork Badge: I am a DORK! Someone is trying to start a website. I may have to be the entertainment director. I seriously find myself saying, what a dork, most of the day while fumbling around trying to appear "together".

• Lately I have been thinking, maybe I should be fucking the comatose. Then you don't have to worry about the "feedback" aspect. Or "pleasing" someone else.

• Thank God for services transfered. Blame the devil for the "extra deposit needed".

• Four year olds are awesome unless you are packing to move. Then, they want to see what is in ALL the boxes, even though its just stuff they ignore EVERYDAY!!!! And now that we are in our new place? He will unpack it where it stands, find the one thing he wants, then leave the rest in a heap.

• I am avoiding some projects in my life because I don't want to be successful at them. I don't want the responsibility of success. I want a quiet simple life with good roll of toilet paper and a "low feedback" aspect lover or roomie.

• In my new house we don't have cable. I am tired of the noise. I find that the kid wants to be outside for a few mins when we get home. I am happy to do that with him. not much of an outside to play in, but... we aren't watching TV.

• I love my new place. I feel motivated to be doing things now that we have space. its amazing to feel like being at home. I didn't feel that way in our old place. (which i still have to clean up.... YIKES)

• Bad clam chowder sucks. You know the type with chewy inedible clams? And if you have had a really good bowl of chowder, you KNOW what I mean. Bad clam chowder is like octopus sushi. Whats the point?

One more day till friday! :dances around her office: and its free bagel and fresh fruit thursday. booooyeah....

My New Space

Whose spanky new House & Gardens style kitchen is that? Can you say MINE!? Hallelujah our little family has a new home.

I moved to California 2 years ago. I took the first place that came up. I found a great place to live but it was a studio apartment. Big enough for a small boy and a mom. He grew, as kids often do, and we were busting at the seems. I started looking for a larger place. Not knowing if I could afford to stay here, I was half hearted about the search. Its an overwhelming feeling of knowing you may not be able to stay safely in atown you love due to finances. I trusted the forces that guided me here in the first place to continue to provide. I started cruising the Craigslist for weeks looking. I found our new apartment on a lark.

I went to look at an apartment I knew I couldn't afford with out financial help and didn't have a very good feeling about the space. I did have a really good feeling about the realtor. She is fantastic. After looking at the apartment, I kind of looked at her sadly saying, I am just not feeling it. She says, well I have an apartment coming open on another street that isn't listed and names the price. I said, I will TAKE it, sight unseen (extremely affordable 2 bedroom for my luxurious community)! I wrote down the address and did a quick drive by. I called her later saying, "Show it to me". Ended up going the next day and filled out an application. Two days later she calls me saying its yours! Amazing how quickly things can turn when its meant to be.

We had a month to pack up our few belongings and prepare the show for the next big top location. I hadn't told the kid about our new place yet. And for a few months now he was saying, mommy we need a bigger apartment. (I think he kept overhearing me saying I hated our old apartment!) I took him by the week before knowing the tenants had moved out, and the workmen were inside painting. He was very excited to see his room. "It has two windows", was his most excited statement. This new place has light and windows we didn't have before.

The big day came on Saturday. A friend of mine offered to come up and take the kid for the day to the zoo and keep him occupied. We all went to IHop to get started on caffeine and eggs. Then the move began. Within 2 hours time, we had everything relocated. I had gone to the store the night before and bought stuff to make margaritas and fajitas. Everyone was sweaty and dirty when we started mixing up the margaritas. I stood in the kitchen after all the moving and cut up eggplant, squash, peppers, onions, pounded out my frustrations on some marinated flank steak and put some lime juice on some tilapia. We drank. We ate chips. We met the neighbors. We spilled a drink christening the new apartment. It was a such a lovely way to break in our new home. Here is the crew satiated and sweaty!



That night the kid was ASLEEP by 9. I was having my last beverage after the BEST shower I have ever had in my life. I felt all new and satisfied after that and slept alone in my bed in the new apartment! I am moving forward. I made this happen. But without assistance from my "family" I wouldn't have made it. I am grateful to you all. Words will never express my gratitude.

More Adventures please!!!

Moved!!!

All moved. can't find my brain yet. its one of the last things I packed. it wasn't in the kitchen boxes... oh well. thank god for reactionary digits and keyboards.


*giggles*

story tomorrow. with pix. ttfn.

My little family

My son is cute, loving and a little demon too. He has been exceptionally loving the last couple of weeks. Here is some of the dialog.

You said to me, "Mommy we are a family, aren't we?"

I said, "Yes baby. We are a family."

You said, "I am glad. I love you Mommy. Can bear be a part of our family?"

I said, "I love you to baby. Yes. Bear IS part of our family."

You just smiled and gave me a hug and a kiss. Then we both gave bear a kiss.

Thats worth every penny right there.

And Yes. it is that simple, if you let it be.