Pondering

I am here. I spent much too time yesterday wondering why and how and where and what... etc. The time i waste thinking other than doing is starting to annoy me. There are some days when I want a "cruise director".. Here is your list of tasks. please complete them.

After a lovely conversation with a dear friend, I felt a bit more enlightened. She directed me down a path that may help me focus my energy. One goal, and the rest is play, but even play time is to be scheduled for me, or i will sit and ponder, dream, sit up on the hill and question the reasons life is the way it is. How to help others realize their paths with ease.

Yea i REALLY need a cheerleader/cruise director/motivator/bedpartner/sexslave no wait.. giggle...

Friends... just be there if i ask for your help. Its just a bit of a nudge  now and again. I wont ask you to build me a pyramid, just open your third eye and give me a little bit of united energy.

Thanks for playing! here is your gift... xooxooxoxoxo

Poetry = Dreamers Kiss 2005

My lips are moist with 
the lucious anticipation of 
your breath against them 
the taste of desire awaits 


in a dream i call to them 
reaching out to touch yours 
with fingertips light as a breeze 
soft caress against your warm sigh 


to sing a song with mine 
a song my heart keeps writing 
words into the air are alive 
your soul sings this song with me. 


i want to hear the words 
your lips sing along with mine 
together as our eyes meet in time 
opening doors that seal our tomorrows 


painted and perfect waiting in the garden 
catching the smile that melts the cold 
never wanting it to be and yet i know 
if it doesn't, my life is incomplete. 


you woke me in the morning of the night 
whispering in my ear from so far away. 
taking my dreams to you and setting fire 
to the desires we both deny to be real. 


let us be for now, let us be forever 
let us be us for ourselves and smile 
our lips so close our breath is stilled 
waiting for the perfect moment to sing. 


a song our dreamers kiss unites 
our lives bound in wisdom beyond our souls 
how do we catch our words or speak them 
tell me my sweet soul. i rely on your vision 


unspoken and true. alive and real 
waiting to see what your eyes tell me 
how mine respond to them alike 
how mine respond in kind. in kind... 


its a dreamers kiss that stands here 
a kiss responding outside boundaries 
making itself alive in my blood. 
it will not die until passed between us.

climbing a ladder

Very intense dreams last night, or this morning I should say. I wish I could remember them all, but here is a small part of one.

I was with a group of people, and I was chosen to be amongst the group to meet a very important spiritual leader, almost like a god in many peoples eyes. I crossed a stream of water up a grassy hill, to a level ground in front of an old house that looked condemned. I stood in line with all men, I was the only woman there at that moment. I was hugged and offered greetings by the workers keeping the people in line moving towards the "spiritual one". One by one they walked up to this figure and had an exchange of words, or embraces, then they would walk back down the hill. While i stood there, I heard rumors that every once in a while, someone would be condemned to go into the house (which basically represented hell). Immediately my thought went to, OH wow!!! so thats why I am here... I am the only woman and was randomly chosen before crossing the stream to this place.

Sure enough I walked up to the leader and he said to me, "There is no personal or justifiable reason why, but you have been chosen to enter the house. It is a test of course to see if you can handle hell."
Me: "Yea I assumed being the only woman in line, that I was being singled out for some reason."
Idol/leader: "Don't worry things aren't always as they appear."

I nodded and resigned myself to entering the building, expecting the other side being gloomy and dark and full of bullets/guns and stuff. I walked in and the interior looked like it had been burnt out.. lots of burnt wood laying around and a semi burnt structure. In the middle of this room was a ladder leading up to another level, it seemed light up there.. I was being forced by two men with guns to climb up this ladder. Once I got to the top of it, I entered a "play room". It was a huge loft area with games, and easels and paints, sewing machines, etc. There were people up there smiling and having a wonderful time creating things. I thought, Well now I know what hell is... having to do the same thing as other people! This is heaven!

A very interesting dream. I am wondering how to infuse all that into my brain today! fun.

OK so, Lauri, Dream Interpretor, had me call into her show today and do a reading about this dream! Seems the spirits, or self, is guiding me to pursue my creative talents and make a go of it. Thanks Lauri!

Dr Kim

I love my Dr.... She is the best... I will be happy to have insurance again to be able to go to her office when I need to. She is a wonderful human and a DOCTOR!!!

yea Dr. Kim!!!!! mwah.

Rude

You know, maybe its just me but the world is becoming RUDER by the moment... I can't tell you how many times I send messages without any response whatsoever.. and this isn't just one person... its like everyone!!!!

I miss texans. yep. Californians Some Californians are rude.

CRIKEY

Damn this world is full of GATORS! take your teeth outta my ASS white boy!

sigh... i need chainmail... yep... what are the odds of it being fashionable anytime soon????

Ze Phone

Tonight I had an actual conversation on the phone with an old friend! Just a platonic conversation catching up on old times. It was nice actually to share time like that. It sure beats texting your friends. Speaking in person is also less likely to be misinterpreted than texting!

and an even bigger bonus? Hearing the other persons voice in your ear, and the sexy vibrations it produces.  yea. hey babe, call me!

Show me

The more I try to connect to people, romantically, the worse it gets... sigh.

That aspect is not disheartening, the feeling of being alone is. The knowledge that in this life no one has fit the balance of me. Where is that zing to my zang? the right to my left, and left to my right? I thought I found you. It felt right! I thought you felt it too. Maybe you do/did, but your lack of communication isn't a key to any door that I might be able open and find to you.

The sad reality of humans is we rely on words to get what we want, no matter. Whether we mean them or not. Some people use words to hurt others, some to help, some just to obtain what they want for that minute. There isn't an investment in the integrity of word choices for some people. Today one of those people resurfaced into my realm... Sadly I wish him nothing but evil thoughts... and feel stupid for believing anything he ever said in the first place. A road down to the self doubt kiosk. Take a number, because at one point or another everyone in my life has triggered me to doubt myself, as I have lived in self doubt for many many years!

Ok, I think I have a solution!!! Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the most super fabulous person that never doubts herself at all???? yea. mellifluous magical mermaid-like me. Just keep swimming... :whistle:

Sea Turtle (animal totems)

Someone in my life that reminds me of a turtle... so hence I put up an animal totem blog entry. What do you think yours is? do they vary between relationships? its an interesting study, accuracy? that depends upon your belief system ultimately doesn't it? Fun to think about none the less. away we go!

Those with the turtle as their animal totem can relate to the "sure and steady" message this creature brings to our lives. It is also a powerful totem for protection as withdrawing into it's shell is an amazing self defense mechanism. The turtle has few predators, which gives it an innocent energy. This also increases its lifespan, and so holds the symbolic meaning for longevity in many cultures.

Animal symbolism of the turtle includes:

• Order • Creation • Patience • Strength • Stability • Longevity • Innocence • Endurance • Protection

Because of its seemingly wide-eyed, long-lived, carefree attitude the turtle is often thought to be the wisest of souls among the animal kingdom. We would all do well to take this as a lesson and move at our own pace as the turtle does. Furthermore, the turtle takes its wisdom one day at a time - not reacting, simply accepting and moving on in its naturel methods.  

In China and Japan, the turtle is a symbol for longevity. In Asian myth the turtle represents the cosmic order: Its shell is symbolic of the heavens, Its body symbolic of the earth, Its underside represents the underworld.

Now for my totem as portrayed in the classical tortoise and hare story. Jessica Rabbit: (lol)

Rabbit: (Ogham=Gorse) As Celtic Animal Symbols, rabbits are connected with the moon an so they run full circle with her cycles. They also share connections of femininity and fertility - which are also lunar-based attributes. When the hare hops into your awareness, its time to set your mind of matters of reproduction. Hang on gentlemen, it doesn't necessarily mean physical birth. The rabbit talks to us about conception, conceiving new ideas and holding them in our fertil minds and hearts until they are ready to give birth in their own perfect timing (just as the moon would have it). And rabbits produce new life in such a humble way. There is no drama, rather there is a quaint, simple calming way the rabbit goes about offering her new offspring. We can offer our new life (in all its hues) with trust, faith and assurance too. ( ok WOW... thats REALLY interesting)

The hummingbird  is a more accurate summary of my spirit. 

The most profound questions the hummingbird asks is:

Where is your Joy?

Is your happiness found within or do you seek it externally?

What is the source of your joy?

What must you do to increase your joy?

Well doll? What do you need to do to increase your joy? Hiding in your shell is a good way to reflect and renew but its joy is limited in the darkness of one man's spirit. get on out here and flit amongst the flowers and fauna with me! SPRING has SPRUNG!

Personality by Advertisement

My Biz 101 instructor gave us an extra credit assignment this weekend. Why wouldn't you do an extra credit assignment right? So you want to know what it is? huh? do ya do ya? Ok FINE! *giggle*


Pick up a magazine, flip through it, pick out an advertisement. 
Who is the target market? (Use methods of segmentation discussed from text)
How was the product positioned?
What stage of the product life cycle is the product in?
Was this advertisement effective?


So I chose the ragtagpaperwaster, Vanity Fair. I had a copy with the "royal couple" on the cover. I don't do magazines, this one must have been picked up on a trip somewhere or from my mom or sister who are read-a-holic's... I flipped through it and guess what I found that stood out to me... Bottled Water (2 separate brands) Ozarka & SmartWater, 2 hugely different marketing approaches. Ozarka's slogan was "Born Better"; SmartWater "Smart because it’s made that way”.


I did my analysis, including the target market for Vanity Fair starting it out. As you can imagine, the demographic for Vanity Fair is geared for the sexy (Jennifer Aniston), naked, contrived, B&W, classic backwards s style marketing approach of the SmartWater ad much more than the our planet, au-natural, go green, locally sourced approach of Ozarka. I thought it was a pure stroke of genius to select these two separate ads pushing a product we basically don't need to buy in the first place. 


Does marketing sell products people? DAYUM tootin.... and you are the fish waiting for the bait. My instructor at the end of class yesterday said to us, "Now, I want you to think about the ads you chose because it directly relates to who you are. Your selection says something about you as a consumer."

Dude, REALLY? I am a bipolar, skeptical, appreciating all art forms, price unfettered, educated consumer. BIPOLAR... did you catch that? sigh. did anyone else do two ads? decisions decisions.. always two half's to each agenda and you gotta make a choice. I choose to daly between two worlds and enjoy each just a little bit.

Devil or angel, who you gonna be today? mwha hahahahaa!!!!!

Focus

Focusing on the self is near impossible for me sometimes. I mean i sure do take advantage of situations when I can, but a lot of my energies are spent on making sure others lives are in balance or getting to them what they want or need.

Top of the list would be all my boyfriends in the past 15 years, and now its my son. I could go on to make a long long list, but there is no the point in that. I did the things I wanted to for the people i loved, thats the real point. The issue with that is I end up depleting my energies and not enough is left for taking care of me.  And what energy I have left i don't exert very wisely!!!!

I think I don't want a man that takes care of me so much, as that may make me uncomfortable. A man that could take care of himself? That would be better. But a man that is willing and assertive enough to put forth  efforts and ambitions so we both win? That is the prime directive!!!! Team work with someone makes life so much sweeter. Finding people you can lean on while you journey through lifes struggles is the real deal. 

Perfection is the moment when you see the glow of accomplishment in your partners eyes, knowing you both were a part of making the whole a little better. Moment to moment, living and working together to make it all worthwhile. 

SEE??? I already lost focus on me! Time to try writing stories... Because just maybe getting all the dialogue out of my head would help me stay in the moment of focusing on MY LIFE. 

HI~

miss me? maybe not and thats ok!  hell maybe you never will... and thats ok too...  all in life is as it should be, and the lessons we take away from it give us more color to our beautiful character.

leaving you love notes here. huggles my little sea turtle... come out of your shell soon! miss you.

Room for Rent

Yes. I rented a room. I don't think that was such a good idea. I did it to save my butt financially. Little did I know it would turn into a lesson of patience and passive aggressive awareness training. She sleeps all day and wanders around at night like a bull in a china shop. Right now she is sitting in a chair in the living room meditating. Sheesh. I haven't lost this much sleep since the child was an infant. That's not good for my crabby mcattitude.

Thankfully, I remain emtionally detached and uninvolved with the roommate. There has been theft of belongings and subversive "borrowing". All of which leaves my son scared and me calmly waiting to lower the boom and give her the boot.

Working on creating income to cover her share and then some. This is my year!

No matter where you go, there you are.

You walked into the party... like you were walking onto a yacht... lol The day i met you, i was really still sort of blown away that you contacted me in the first place. Then you finally agreed to meet me, we met at my apartment...

I had just gotten out of the shower, and wasn't quite "made up" when you were already here! I am guessing you were excited. I know I was. And even more so when I saw your face light up and smile. I felt relaxed and happy that you were finally here and we were meeting. The conversation flowed like we had known each other a long time. And a lot in common, then the first kiss... sigh... magical! then you left... you commented on something that is now in your possession.

I had to walk away for now. Your not feeling it, or something and I am not taking it well... i could get hurt very easily here, and I am not sure you realize that... yet. I miss your sweet smile but not at the expense of my own and I wander.

Grumpy

Hm.. maybe I am grumpy! that really isn't fun for me either... i have a headache most days. no matter what I try to move towards there is a NO involved before i get there. And when I do get there, its in need of repair or restoration. Once that process is through I am left holding the tools and the car has taken off in a different direction.

FRACK.

Positive thinking and I are in a boat with holes in it and as much as I bail and bail and bail, the negative is filling up the boat.

The Me Chorus

I would absolutely LOVE to be in a relationship with someone... but not just anyone. I talk about needing sex, and yea I do... but not at the expense of something I would prefer more and that is companionship with a person that really gets me, sees me and hopes for the best for me.

I think for now, I remain unattached and free to focus on a passion that may bring me a future. Or even just sitting and drawing or making something artistic to soothe my soul from the long journey through countless war torn fields of relationships past that has left me feeling dispassionate and questioning that love even exists on the level I seek.

Ah.. the years of being single aren't so bad. Loneliness isn't brought about by being alone. Loneliness isn't about isolation. I have felt lonely while in a relationship too... So, objective? Inner peace... I hope theres a warm fire on a beach there... the sound of the waves always brings me peace...

There isn't any question of my love for you, its just time to love me more.

Good Morning

Man... Rollin in the hay sounds like a PLAN today... bring it baby! I need some skin on skin time. Whose up for it? Bueller?????

sigh... Oh well... dreams can come true I am told. Still waiting on you to decide if I am worth it!

The Men in My Life

Hello Men... the ones I have loved, will love and am in love with currently. Remember that despite the fact I seem all tough and calm on the outside? I have a huge creamy center... mushy, soft and sweet.

When you treat me with disregard, its like burning your favorite cookie in the oven then hoping its going to taste the same as the last one did. The more you disregard the treatment of it, the more bitter the flavor. My body may be a wonderland, sadly its attached to a mighty big brain and an even bigger heart... if you stick a pin in it, that shit deflates and you are left with a flat line. Then you have to resuscitate something you may not have been that interested in to begin with.

This isn't just true for me. I am not typical of my gender and thats not a bragging right. It sometimes puts me in situations with men I would love to be involved with that aren't looking out for anyones interests but their own.. oh wait, that describes most of you except for my dad... my buddy anthony C. (and a couple others) and my kid, which technically isn't his fault.

Walking on to the next rest stop... hopefully there will be life there waiting to reciprocate some really great times together, with communication and affections!!!

yea. I love life.. Life is GOOD.

My Day

Another year around the sun. Today I celebrate by taking a test in class, then a free massage, maybe even a pedicure!! Then a night out with my friends for some SUSHI!!!!

I look forward to another year of growth as a human. This years challenges are going to be of a "health related" nature. As we get older our bodies require more maintenance... BOTHER!!!

I just wanted to place here a note of gratitude to my parents for giving me life and sustaining that life financially and emotionally for all my years here on this globe! I LOVE YOU GUYS! without you some of my favorite people wouldn't exist, my siblings and my son.

Lets get out there and make it count everyday. Today I get to do it with "birthday" attitude. oh yea!

Resistance

A friend of mine is in a huge amount of pain. huge... debilitating pain. This is a physical issue for her. She is going to get the usual battery of tests/mri/evaluations etc. But, when do you get to the point of realizing that part of all pain is emotionally based? Not just mind over matter, things that you have been holding inside you all your life, since childhood. Things that have created havoc all along and you aren't awake to them yet. I say this because it has happened with me. Different areas of the body that hold my emotional baggage. Currently its my intestines! (i should really go find out what Louise says thats all about).

The emotions we all try to deny are in our minds and hearts. Continued avoidance of them will be exhibited in physical manifestations guaranteed. You can resist it all you want to, or kill it with your poison of choice, but don't be fooled. All that resistance isn't buying you time or serving your dream, its building up a facade, adding time on the other side in the form of recovery.

BREATH... Do some yoga... center yourself and listen to what your body is saying. With continued practice you can and will hear the whispers and moans of your being inside your head and heart. Change is all life is about, so learn and be grateful how wonderful it is to update your emotional wardrobe and expose the true you.

Date Material...

So whats wrong with me? Do I look like chopped livah?? I guess I don't know what men find attractive anymore. Seriously... Will I allow myself to be used in order to have some kind of affection or sensual life? And the men that ACT interested, is it only an act? What the hell do you have to do to get LAID in this town? sigh... frackin frackity frack frackenstein cheese and CRACKERS and SALAMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pout. MAYBE its just me... and that would REALLY suck... now I am sad... I think I will go hit the gym and work out some frustrations.

Amazing things happen all the time

You know they do! Its awesome... I am so happy for someone right now...  Just want to say thank you universe and bestow my gratitude for continued generosity and positive changes. Now whose turn is it? Oh yea MY TURN!

chicka bow chicka bow wow... oh yea.. my turn.... Hallelujah... beat the drums yea.

I'm in a store and I'm SINGING

SIGH... another week closer to the anniversary of the day I was spit out upon this god forsaken sphere of doom!!!! (giggle)

meh I am a happy soul! I say, why be gloomy when there is a sky overhead, earth below, ocean within walking distance, and a kid that puts a smile on my face reminding me to understand that life can be  magical. You have to allow it. Sadly and silently and a-lonely (ha i made that up) I have realized I wont be allowed to participate in some peoples lives. Its still hard for me when I see that bright light shimmering between two people and they can't or wont appreciate it for the simple thing it is, or the promise and potential of what it COULD be! How one little step towards joining these forces opens up a world of influence not just for the two people but for ANYONE that comes in contact with that team. It really can be a ripple effect IF you allow it without judgement or agenda (yea I got my issues with agenda too).

There were moments in my past where I thought was very close to that but since then I have realized it just wasn't right. I am happy to have learned that and know what it is I am looking for! There isn't an agenda for any person that comes into my life (friend or lover), but I do know that it requires someone willing to take risks in their lives. We can only grow stronger by joining forces and forging ahead to transform our lives and in beautiful chorus, the lives of others we touch on a daily basis. Negativity (or lack of positive thinking) is a deep dark soul sucking hole that gives you a false sense of security and allows you self indulgence in spades... it also provides you with pathetic brief momentary relationships that suck out even MORE life out of your soul. Dont create or reach for a dream from that place. Turn on your light and don't be afraid of what you see there. Life is transition at all times. Pick up your little pieces of shit you don't like, toss them in the bin, and put the ones you do like on the wall as sign posts or guides to where you WANT to go.

Hello? companion? are you hearing my siren song? I kinda keep singing it at the TOP OF MY LUNGS... maybe I should roll the driver window down.. (giggle)

I care, therefore I do

My friends never have to wonder what I think about their presence in my life, nor the affections I have for them. But sometimes, you spend time to shower them with affection and attention and they shit on ya!  Life is a series of lessons I thought I had already learned, and accomplishing tasks that dont always turn out like I thought they would. 

People, even when bad things happen, you have to be grateful as they put you in a place to realize how good you have had it! and you need to express that gratitude as it FREES you for better things to come. Gratitude for negative things implants the desires, the seeds of growth to give you the assurance of joy to come. This game of life is all a balancing act my friends... and if you sit on your end of the see saw with your feet on the ground you are leaving someone else hanging in mid air WAITING on your sorry ass to get over it and push off. 

So that being metaphorically beaten to death, I think I will take this current pile of shit that someone left here for me and plant some daisies... because at this point? Daisies are much more appealing. 

Maybe I need a dog. Dogs communicate with pure love and appreciation immediately no words necessary! You have to love any creature that freely expresses gratitude no matter the situation, or condition of their own lives. The expression of joy in the moment is all we really have to be hopeful for, and a choice that we can make at ANY time despite any condition in life. Well, there is one other thing to look forward to, besos.. muy besos.


Communication isn't commitment, its acknowledgment in a form we HUMANS have become accustomed to using when working within these confines of a physical body. Try it. OR you cold train the world how to pick up and talk to each other using telepathic abilities!!!! Now THAT would really help things out, but take a bite out of conventional methods of transferring info. 




OH and Happy Birthday to my friend R

Night Alone

So, my son is at a sleepover! Wooohoo!!!!!!

And yea. you know what I did? I slept.... ah..... I wish I would have had some company, but everyone already had plans. sigh. I was reminded of how alone I am when I don't have my son around. NO bueno.

Ok wait... back to sleep! ah....

Wow

You know,  I can hear the things you are thinking when you are thinking them! its annoying sometimes... like when I am sleeping? yea... they show up in my dreams as "notes".

all will be well, love... now sleep already! xo

School Play

Each class does a play at my sons School... This year? Mr. Poppers Penguins, and the kid was a cop.

Each play is a musical too, so there was singing and dancing by everyone. I love OAS... The Open Alternative School.

Watch out CHIPS!!!!!

Meditations

The absolute ONLY time I can still my mind or stop the gerbils from running is during Yoga! I should do that Yoga thing EVERY day.... I wish my life contained more discipline. Its a serious issue i have in regards to all I want to accomplish.

Today during my yoga class i saw an image of a person balled up in the corner in darkness... I was curious to see who it was. I approached this figure in my "vision" trying to shine a light on him... (felt like a man or a boy). I had a candle or some kind of torch in my hand, and walked up to this figure. Every time I tried to lighten up this face, it turned... put its back to me, the light was deflected. I felt helpless... as I am sure this figure did. I decided to walk away and back to my space/light.

After being back to center, i felt a set of eyes looking at me and this face came into the light. Not sure who it is still, but definitely a man and definitely someone that is seeking my help to get out of the dark.

hellooooooo?????? echo... come on out here so we can fix this thing!

Teamwork

Last nights dream was all about team work (dream work). I was surrounded by people that were holding my hand and guiding me through purpose. Whatever purpose that was. I feel I am surrounded by spirits/people/energy that is helping me through a phase right now, and its MIGHTY nice to finally feel a part of the collective.

I remember part of the dream involving some artwork that needed being done. Part, I was at a resort working, it was winter time and we had to secure the upstairs of a hotel for some reason! That part of the dream felt the most comforting, as everyone at that moment was selfless, laughing and really accomplishing something despite the odds.

Another part of the dream I was in an RV by the ocean with some other misfits. A huge tsunami (why is that word spelled with a t?) came in and our RV was floating. For some reason I had climbed up on top and was safe. I remember bouncing around like it was a top, and reaching for a good male friend who had been on the ground painting at the time and was floating around in the turbulent waters (yea i caught him, and pulled him to safety). I felt HUGELY relieved that he was back on the bus with us. It was nice to feel that everyone was safe.

At one point I was cruising through the airport, preparing for a departure. It was a trial run through this family member was putting me through. I was wearing heels, and had to take them off. I was severely "buggered" that this chic was making me hike across the airport at that moment because it was 24 hours before my flight, if not more. But a purpose all the same.

Final segment was spent with a man, someone that I don't really know, and we were in bed together. Interesting that we were outside in bed and the weather was very cold. That whole process with him was like WORK, and I remember feeling extremely frustrated with his callous behavior. His inability to find a way to make me feel wanted or was happy/appreciated that I was there placed the final straw and I got out of there. Post haste.

Dreams; an every night reminder that my mind has a lot of information sifting through it, and sometimes I don't even gather how much till my body is at rest. I used to remember them all. Now only half the time, and thats OK!

Transition

One day in the home of a friend of mine, I looked up at the mantle and saw a piece of artwork hanging there that completely impressed me. It was a black and white drawing of a doll, hanging by a rope around its neck. Not a noose, just a loose loop and the image was of this doll moving through space by this rope tied around its neck. There were smaller images in the back ground of other dolls in similar positions, just in different perspectives. It really caught my eye, the movement, the generic treatment of the emotionless faces of these "rag dolls" moving via a rope around the neck. I looked and looked at it... I finally asked my friend about the drawing. Who did it? A friend. Whats the title of the piece? Transition.

Woah!!!!! how freaking perfect is that!!! Sometimes in life it seems as though we are being dragged by the neck without our consent and we become complacent to just let it happen. We become the "lifeless" dummies that get stuck and are then forced to move on via an outside force, along side of other faceless strangers in the same situation.

More often than not though, I have found that situations where I am forced to transition, I have subconsciously requested the universe to deliver to me. Hence, I have the feeling of freedom, see the choices, and breath into the motivation which comes from being unburdened by something I didn't really want in the first place. Yea!!! so cool huh?

Transition: dolls... in... space!!!!!! (you know like an echo-ey voice from a bad sci-fi movie where the words fade into the background? HA... visions don't fail me now.)

Dont waste it

On a somber note, Someone in my realm of peeps died suddenly this week. A healthy beautiful woman, vibrant, on the go, involved, single mother with  3 kids. She was healthy one day then within 48 hours had passed on. Life is a GIFT. A brief span of days in a body that is fairly fragile in some ways and impervious in others. The sun comes up each day with an opportunity for you to just say YES to EACH one with a smile. DO it!  Experience it all and forget the should's. The should's NEVER have your back when it comes right down to it. Not to mention that the word is pure rubbish in the first place. How do you know what I should be doing? yea. you don't.

I see life as a series of choices based on previous choices. Dont live in the past... keep making the fearless ones! Even if you think you know everything? You really really don't. And then one day? You are gone. Energy shifted.

Carpe diem is an overused term but it still packs a whallop in the karmic scheme of things. Get in the saddle and RIDE fellas! So much to see before sunset... so much! People are waiting to share that ride with you too... Ripple in the pond, eh watson?

LOVE

when you are offered flowers of love,
gather the delicate bouquet to your face,
deeply breath in their fragrance,
embrace the colors shining in all directions,
remove all your lingering doubts,
these blossoms are meant for you,
they were cultivated for your senses,
watered with tears of sorrow and joy,
nurtured with the glow of hope,
presented with joyous abandon,
placing trust again in a stranger,
knowing that the risks are great,
braving conventional fears in an irrational manner,
waiting, watching, hoping for that smile,
which makes all those risks worthwhile,
hearing life's sweet chorus sing yes yes yes...
there is love here and i see you.

I am beauty, love, light and laughter. No matter what anyone says, I will be nothing less... There are times when I see people doubting love and looking at me in disbelief as I show unashamed love.  I feel like reaching out to them saying, watch and learn! Pain isn't anything but a thing. GET-T-F over it. Why would you keep yourself from running to the huge amount of joy love provides you because of that little blister you might have in your shoe from a previous walk?

Today I realized I may be standing in front of a man who is not allowing himself to see a huge reward the universe has offered us both. I believed in him when he reached out to me and kept believing despite his fears and hiding. Sadly, now, I fear he will have to re-earn that reward from me, if he even chooses to. Damn choices, eh mate? I wish him only the best as I always have. I am grateful to be reminded I can choose to stop over thinking things. That EVERYONE has boundaries that should be honored. How wonderful it feels to give your affections to a person you have a connection with and deem worthy. It reestablished the "I am worthy" of a certain level of respect and its time to stand up for that. My sweet friend, find your rewards here as well and stop being sad. You could always give up the fears and let us be friends. We could just play and enjoy life without expectations or anger or micro management of our time, or some kind of map to where the freaking wagon train will lead us next, and just have FUN! cuz really? Joy is what its all about. btw? I still feel you around me. You are still in my thoughts daily.

And as usual, on the music therapy side of all MY situations, I have been having an affair with Gavin Degraw's album/CD Sweeter (as if you didn't notice... HA. i love redundancies). I started February with Soldier, and in writing this entry? I gravitated to Stealing.  I think I am going out to get a mic and a guitar... "we had a good time, then it was sorrow, i called it stealing, you called it borrowed..." :whistle:


hey did you like my poem? its was kinda groovy wasn't it? yea baby!!!!

hat

YEA!!!! i got a new one... smiley me... I may not be cute, but my hat is.

You know...

So I am looking over this plethora of mental diarrhea, and I notice something! I have a lot of entries that start with the words "you know"....

BAD grammar!!!! yea. I got it like that.

This song... yea.

Where did all the people go?

They got scared when the lights went low.

I'll get you through it nice and slow

When the world's spinning out of control

Afraid of what they might lose.

Might get scraped cause it might get broke

You could bet on what's the use.

That's why it's called the moment of truth.

Chorus:

I'll get it if you need it

I’ll search if you don't see it

You're thirsty I'll be your rain

You get hurt I'll take your pain

I know you don't believe it

But I said it and I still mean it

When you heard what I told you

When you get worried I'll be your soldier


Funny when times get hard
at the last moment when youre sposed to charge
we're always on the longest yard
oh they feel their feet getting cold

hiding here, hiding there
find them underneath the stairs,
people hiding everywhere,
trying to be still like a stone


Chorus: repeat.

Its hard

when you get to a point you hear the same thing 50 times, and you see the contradiction 50 times... what do you start to believe? yea. me too.

time to stop listening!!!!

Reasons

Everything happens for a reason... EVERYTHING. I am trying to stay strong, figuring out "why" and remaining positive to the course.

Universe, give me support. My heart keeps getting shot out of the cannon and falling into the wrong places. I have faith you will send me a net that holds as much hope and compassion as I have for the recipient.

Namaste.

rough

i had a lovely dinner at a friends house last night. i got a chance to get out of my element and see others perspective. i realized i am a bit of an odd bird, not in a bad way, just not as polished as some.

so call me a diamond in the rough... but ffs, CALL ME!!!

Out of Touch

This week on the planet where my body lives:

WHAT the HECK are you people THINKING???

Just calm down... take a DEEP breath. Resistance is futile. The sooner we let go and embrace our connections, and where they lead us with reassurance and faith? The easier it gets for EVERYONE... and you know when you say the word everyone? that includes YOU & ME.

Sigh. I don't know why as humans we have a pathetic ideal of our self importance. We have to stand our ground and put up walls of protection, usually disguised as anger or disgust. Then that venomous attitude is spewed on any living creature within range. LET GO... free fall, trust the process and the guidance you receive to just allow things to happen, allow people to be as they are.

You know I am talking to myself too. Being human is such a complex bag of emotional retarded mess. But, makes for a GREAT comedy routine. Am I right? yea I know I am.

TESTS~

Two of them... totally unprepared... I don't know why I do this to myself. Its like if I am not on the edge of something I can't keep motivated or guided to do the right thing.

Gotta rethink that HI. :wink:

(raising arizona reference, for those that are uneducated to it.)

Healing Stones

I had a thought about making a bracelet out of some healing stones. I have been feeling a lot of negative energy swirling around me lately. In truth, there is nothing wrong with being precautionary. Belief is half the battle isn't it?

I have been having panic attacks lately which isn't natural to me. I don't ever panic! That whole concept is foreign to me. Life is pretty simple! So, my perception is that its coming from outside, and since I can't help the person they ARE affecting, I want to protect myself.

Whomever you are thats feeling so close to me and a part of me, that is in a state of fear or upheaval, just call me. I swear it would be a lot better for both of us to talk this out. I am a GREAT listener. and I give pretty good hugs too...

Just sayin.

Valentines Day

Whats the ideal date? I have had one for sure in September with a man I met online. I have had impromptu dates that were ideal as well! Isn't it all about becoming closer if thats your due course?


My magical date would be to show up unannounced on a day I know he is free to be out all day. I would have packed a basket with cheese, bread, pate, fruit and some beverages. I would have a bag with soft blankets and scented lotion. The digital camera and a handful of mixed CDs, plop him in the passenger seat and take OFF. Drive from one spot to another, no set agenda, stopping when we felt like it, making memories along the way. Ultimately I am fortunate enough to be able to end this date at the beach for a sunset walk and a small fire. 


Becoming friends is what every relationship is about. Time spent in nature allows all that to just flow to the top. Hearts out in the open amongst the flowers learning about each other in trust, no expectations or agendas. 


Carpe diem love bugs... lets procreate for the sheer joy of it! meow. 

So, disappearing friend

Wow, last night you actually came and stayed in my dreams! So so lovely... it was peaceful and happy. YOU were still a bit timid, but opened up more to me than you have so far. Bravo. I felt your warmth start to glow a little, and it made me feel so much more at ease.

Now in real life? You have to let go and live. This stress you are putting yourself through isn't worth it. Its not changing anything, its closing doors, not opening them. Learn to forgive and let go... forgive and let go. Even forgive yourself and let go.

Nothing gets easier through agony or blame. You aren't being put upon, we all make choices and have to live with them. I have been where you are! Just reach out, dear. A friend is always there to take your hand and lead you through the fire. If its not me, another will be there. Allow this healing to begin.

I saw your sweet smile last night and your love of life. I felt your arms around me. Look in the mirror and find it again! xo

sniffles

The son has a cold, my friend Michael has a cold, and I don't. Sometimes I wonder if I am a carrier of contagents but never get sick!

hm... pondering the deep thoughts surrounding bacteria and the spread of disease. a bit much for sunday. lol.

I went a wandering

I went to look at one of my friends online, its the only place I could see his face and he was GONE!!!! Well there you go. So in honor of the fact I no longer can see this persons smile, I went window shopping. Giggle!!!

If this last job goes well, I will be sporting a FABULOUS new hat on Valentines day. Hey, I don't have all the answers, but the hat will turn a few eyes with smiles in my direction.

Maybe his will come back someday... until then? Peace my bruttha! You shine, don't ever forget it. xo Wanna see my new hat? giggle.

Weighing in

So, current weight, 170 lbs. That stinks! My goal is to drop 35 lbs by summer. I AM going to do this.

Juicing, raw as often as possible, and no eating after 6 pm. I have already started working out everyday.... I CAN do this. Help me spirits.

My birthday is in 6 weeks... wonder how much I can lose by then? Keep watching.

Working Out

I have worked out for an hour and a half everyday. I am going to keep this up until my birthday!!!! I will enter a before shot on February 2nd and then a birthday shot of me in a fabulously sexy red dress on March 13th.

Keep your eyes on this spot! LOL

I See you

I swear my tongue gets fatter when I have to talk to you! I don't think I have ever had an issue with NOT being able to talk to someone. Its cute to see you do it too.

but, I do see you... through all the silence and stammers... I see you. Lets go out and PLAY!!!! I am ready to smile and laugh the day away.

and whats up with the anxiety darlin? light the candles and start chanting....

Expendable

Do I feel disposable? Not worthy of time or of attention? The law of attraction states that we attract to us what we are wanting, do I want people to see me as unimportant? I don't view myself as unimportant, but maybe outwardly I am giving off that energy. I have been feeling a bit run down and tired lately... spirit is giving me the time to rest I suppose.

I have been reaching out. Time to reach within. Put up the mirror and remind myself of all I do and all I am. With a smile and a heart hug.

internet HELL

I love internet dating! I have met a few really nice people... some not so nice.

Today's horror story:
I was speaking with a gentleman that lived in Hollywood. Nice man. One lunch date, we hit it off really well and became friends, nothing more. We have similar minds so it was easy flow conversation. We kept in touch by text and phone calls discussing family life and work. I hadn't heard from him in a week or two, so I sent him a text saying Hey you out there? Reply... yes.. I said, is everything ok? then the phone rings. He is calling...

me: This is Melanie
him: Hello... (a WOMAN'S voice)
me: HI.
HER: Are you trying to reach jeff?
me: yes who is this?
Her: my name is renee. I am jeff's girlfriend of 9 years... who is this
me: hi My name is Melanie
her: I am guessing he didn't tell you about me.
me: No.. didn't come up. Wow. Yikes. But honestly there isn't anything going on between me and Jeff.
her: well blah blah blah something rude and hateful
me: Seriously renee, Jeff and i are strictly platonic. there is no reason for you to be angry or nasty to me, i didn't do anything.
her: well you are among many
me: well, again, like i said, we didn't even talk about anything but work and our kids. so you can drop the attitude with me.
her: Yea well this phone number is going off.
me: sounds like a good idea to me. and thanks renee for calling me and letting me know. i appreciate it.
her: yea well goodbye
me: bye

I text-ed her after that saying thanks again, and instead of dumping the phone you should probably dump Jeff... seems like a better idea. giggle...

And last night, I got put "on hold" (whatever that means) by another man who contacted me via internet.

TY so much both of you for reminding me why I am super grateful to be a single woman. My heart is worthy of much more than this madness.

Plannit.

I just don't get how I let myself fall into the cracks of "daydreaming" and lose track of time so quickly. I freakin need a day planner, as in someone who plans out my day, and I just follow along. I guess that could be me.

Because right now? I have 4 billion things to do and I am sitting on my katoocus at the desk writing on my BLOG!!!! ha.

i got ta move it move it... (whiste n shake)

Lets Unpack.

One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.

What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.

I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.

There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.

I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.

Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack. 

I am that person... who are you?

why

You know the universe puts people in our path for a reason. And as I sit here in silence I wonder why you have been placed in my path. A choice you made is why we are here. You pulled me in, brought me to you. Now after the moments, where are we? And why do I spend any time questioning it?  Is there a reason you are questioning yourself?

I know how I feel, no questions. Maybe I am not seeing why I don't measure up in your eyes. Would I change to make that happen?  How long do you wait for your heart to decide again its ok to love?

Love isn't safe dear ones. Love is a hurricane, a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a smile, a good luck charm, a reason to have that shit eating grin from a day spent between the covers, a sharp rock that scars you, a splinter that irritates, a brain spasm at any moment when that persons smile flashes in your mind, the eyes that look up at you from the pillow, the whispers you hear in the wind, reminding you that all of life is beauty and perpetuating suffering by isolation is useless.

Walk into the dream darling... take a deep breath, sit down on the hammock and enjoy the sounds of the waves of love that fall all around you, whispering to you that you may not be safe from all hurt, but your home where band aids and soothing kisses are plentiful. you can call me nurse mel! and i can call you doctor... if you are into that sort of thing! giggle...

yea. lets swing the hammock in tandem.

smile...

Interesting that yesterday I ran into all kinds of issues. left and right, and no matter, i was smiling! simple reason for that... you said hello.

I often wonder if there is a test going on that I miss all the answers on. Like how many days can the universe show you where you need to grow before you break down and scream like a hungry angry love deprived monkey. Then the universe brings in all the ones looking to take something from you... And yet? still smiling.

I can do this, today. I can DO this!!!!

the lonely lists.

You know there are so many laws set forth by man in this universe. The 10 commandments, the laws of attraction, the laws of dating, the laws of social interaction, the lists are endless. We all set out to define how we are supposed to be around the others. It becomes so convoluted that you don't know if you are coming or going sometimes. Whats he going to think if I do that. Whats she going to say if I do that!!! How are we going to perceive the next thing that comes down the road towards us? Threat or treasure!? I am so battle weary.

I have spent nights in the arms of people that I loved but didn't love themselves enough to ever really love me. That being said, I am not the type to give up on someone I love. Its caused me countless scars. I am seen as a fool or a sucker more often than not. You ask, how is that helping your life? I guess in the long run it doesn't in regards to the lists. What I know is that I am an evolved woman, ready to give her heart without hesitation to the man that wants it, deems it worthy, see's it for the light it can provide on a daily basis. I am not without my faults. Every peak has a cavern. Every day has a night. I am no different a creature of these physical aspects of the universe.

I am free now to choose a new partner and a new life. Have been for over 2 years. I am walking down that road. I want to believe his honesty, his passion and our connection. Faith... melanie Faith.

My Self

Self doubt is by far my most selfish action. It allows me to accomplish absolutely nothing with false justification. I see it and release that resistance. I am accomplishment.

Question

The question was, success or failure? (in regards to business)

Forecast? Abundance. right on!!!!

Late night at the Oasis

Sometimes things surprise you. Last night I was pleasantly surprised. I am not sure traditional methods are at work here. I have to trust my instincts and gain respect.
Respect is mandatory for moving forward.

Hostility

Today I woke up tired, and then drank coffee... It usually makes me a bit edgy/grumpy. The only bonus to that today was saying how I felt. I also accomplished tasks I have been putting off for a while now.

Now, one more HUGE push next week, and I think that i will be organized and ready to face the "classroom". School starts Jan. 23rd... taking 10 hours? yea four classes.

Don't need luck, need brain support! Diet, exercise and sleep.... BRING IT!

manifestation, destination, beautiful sensation!

The Escape

I was in a room with a man, a stranger. We seemed to know each other. We spoke like we knew each other. When we tried to leave this area, there was danger. Jungle animals had blocked the entrance. We both looked for ways out alone, but ultimately I came up with an escape route. You followed me and we ran!

I finally ended up at a bar in a resort hotel in the mountains. I asked for a glass of water. A man was sitting next to me. He was feeling unhappy and I cheered him up with some banter. They gave me some beautiful water bottles to take with me. He and I discussed heading upstairs together, but I think we walked instead.

I ended up alone in the snow heading to my car afraid, walking through the snow. I jumped in, warmed up the car and headed down the mountain. My car swerved off the road into a leather shoe shop. I went in to shop and woke up.