I am abandoning feelings (for Monday)

First? Coffee... ah... Semi-Human...

Life has been a series of tidal waves lately. My upcoming move, my ankle evaluation, the ongoing toddler battles, my camera, my finances and my tooth broke off on Friday. During these times, I have to come to count on my interactions with my friends to help me forget for a few minutes till I have to suit up and head back into battle.

Saturday night, a "friend" said something to me that completely wrecked me. I started crying. It was a joke, an unintentional jab, but you know what they say about those statements. It started me thinking, is that what he thinks of me? I guess I don't represent myself the right way.

Then Sunday, I saw a friend of mine come online. Someone that is a good friend that always makes time for me and helps me smile. They didn't respond to a hello. I know it wasn't an intentional slam on me, but it really upset me. I am going to have to re-evaluate our situation. Maybe I should back of and establish different boundaries. It hurts me to even think about doing that. Who else is going to protect me but me?

I have decided that feelings are highly overrated. I am happy to have a little man that truly loves his momma and I need to relish that time. Soon I will have my own space again so that I can escape into some artwork instead of relying on people that can't really be there for me, even if they want to. I have to deal with being there for myself. Guard my feelings more carefully. Be more selective about who I bestow them on. If you know me, you know that is not like me, but the other way is starting to tear me down a little.

That said? Camera is in the shop. Tooth is getting fixed today. I am enlisting help in moving as we speak. I am MOVING to a new home that will allow a different style of life that is needed for me and my little family. We are going to get a goldfish. I am turning off cable, but keeping the internet. Time to establish a "relationship" with my son before he gets too much older.

Eric Hutchinson

Another newbie to my ITunes library Eric Hutchinson

You heard it here first (or maybe you didn't, lucky you). This is a very well edited CD and heavy on the production, so if you don't like that type of music, this may not be for you. I am a fan of all styles of production from raw to overproduced. I can't find a favorite here. They are all good. My personal selections from "Sounds Like This" are Outside Villanova, Rock and Roll, Food Chain and Ok Its Allright with me. A talented songwriter. I am going to post these lyrics from the song OH!, because I like the cleverness of them.

i got arrested in the dark of the night
the cop got restless as he read me my rights
he told me "im always envious of those that i jail
if i got locked up nobody'd come to help me post bail"
and i said "oh!"

went to a party on the side of a hill
met three latinas who had gotten their fill.
they told me "nobody ever gets us down on our knees
simply to help us take a load off our feet."
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

i picked a pocket just to give it all back
took out the license left the money in tact
the man said "i wanna thank you" and i had to ask why
"That was the old me I was living a lie"
and i said "oh!"

riding the subway with the scent of her hair
she took out a toothbrush started using it there
she explained "im always sure today's the day i will die
i wanna look good if i get to look god in the eye"
and i said "oh!"

and im never sure what i'm living for but it's always on my mind
someone comes along always proves me wrong think im gonna be fine

we get lost in the back of our minds
got nothing to burn but time time time
everybody's got the love but they keep it inside

met an acquaintance we were reintroduced
with more in common than we had in our youth
she told me "you look the same" i said "i'm now a new man"
she asked me "how does that work" "i started giving a damn"
and i said "oh!"

For my money you can use the word OH too many times but I love his music. Find some and enjoy for yourself.


And on a sadder note? I will never EVER be the The Pioneer Woman. Ever.... I know your disappointed mom, but my life is a little too surreal to be served on white bread. I love you despite it all anyway! :kisses:

For the Gerbers

Dear Gerbers. I wanted to let you know I love you. I know its hard. Please don't give up hope. There are other ways.

Signed,
Surrogate Mel

Photo Credit: David Vankeuren

End the Madness

There are many people I know who are in marriages that do not work. These people "justify" staying married by a set of archaic guidelines that have not worked in the past and still aren't. I believe its honorable to want to stick with someone because you made a commitment. But if this commitment isn't serving anyone's higher good and is hurting others, and believe me it does, end the madness. Remember that your frustration, regret and misery bleed over into the entire pool. Reevaluate your possibilities (together or separate) and move towards harmony. Everyone deserves peace and love.

edit: picture credit to PostSecretdotcom

Baby Giggles

Ok. I don't care who you are. this is going to make you laugh. Its infectious.

Happy Easter Bunny!

Ankle Diagnosed

Okay Broke it at age 18. Probably should have had an operation, but the doc said no. He set it badly and now there is no ankle joint left. I have cramps in that calf 3 times a week at night. Pain 24 hours a day. I scheduled an appt with the podiatrist via my primary care physician. Today was the appointment.

Dr. Pearson: "Well there's only one thing that can be done. We have to fuse it. (My brain says...What? Fuse it?) If you were 15 or 20 years older you would have a replacement ankle procedure. I do this kind of operation everyday. 90% success rate on this procedure, over all. I think you have a 95% success rate. I am amazed you have this kind of flexibility at all. I can take you down the hall to another doctors office that I did this procedure on and he will tell you he is so glad he had it done.

Me: Sighs... So doctor, what is this going to cost me?

Doc: Your insurance will cover it. There may be some kind of deductible.

Me: What is the recovery time for this?

Doc: Thats the hard part. Six weeks off your feet. No weight on it at all. If you have a desk job you can go back after 1 or 2 weeks. It will be 3 months till you have a "normal" life ie: excercise, walking without a limp/cane/crutches, etc.

Me: Doc, I am a single mom. What am I going to do about my kid?

Doc: You have to take care of yourself. Find someone to help you with that.

Me: (inside my head = are you a parent?) So... find someone to look after him. How long will I need that?

Doc: At least 6 weeks. Maybe two months.

Me: Ok. Well, I need to think about it.

Doc: I think you should do it. I can't believe you aren't in more pain than you are.

Me: Doc, I am a jilted (previously physically abused), overworked, no child support, single mother who adores her son. What's pain got to do with it?

Doc: puzzled look... Do you want some valium?

Me: Do they come in a pediatric dosage?

So, I have to have an operation that will hobble the mem for a good six weeks. Can ANYONE come and help me? Anyone? Oh, Angel of mercy that looks down and bestows me with minor miracles, I need a BIGGIE!!!!!

Anatomy of Love

Today in my car on the 15 min vigil, my ONLY alone time anymore, I was thinking about what it is to love. What is love. One of the times I have felt love is in watching someone you love in the process of being. Watching someone as they discover something new. That look of wonder. The look on their face as they describe their passions. What they do to reveal those in physical ways. Expressing their knowledge of themselves.

The Look of Love

You turned your head
looking up from your work
Observance stance no agenda
Appreciating your hands

Your eyes were full
expressing your aptitude
passion had tinted them
a deeper shade of blue

I reached to touch
the skin that contains
a soul in motion state
feeling the energy

wanting to crawl inside
become a part of process
the mind that brings the
inside out cool smooth

You looked at me
in a lust full gaze
and we fell into it
the moment a tidal wave

how that moment changed
from its pure process to
pure enjoyment going beyond
a physical connection manifested

come love and lay
be your self inside
with me beside you
lets manifest a union

by Melanie M. © 03-2008

Pete Yorn - Life on a Chain

I live on a chain and you share the same last name, as a joke,
I sent a bottle of whiskey, as you choked,
I knew it made you feel dirty,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing,
And you were THE sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me.
Time alone is good, I spend my days in the city,
Dirty neighborhood, you know you'll never convince me,
So I sold the town away, I couldn't wait to forget you,
I was killed in half a day, I hadn't time to regret you,
And I was waiting over here for life to begin,
I was looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine heading my front line,
I was alone you were just around the corner from me.
I, I'm still on the chain, and you, had the same last name,
As a joke I sent a bottle of whiskey
As you choked you said it made you feel dirty...
Waiting over here, for life to begin,
Still looking for the new thing,
And you were the sunshine heading my front-line,
I was alone, you were just around the corner from me

Life on a Chain - Pete Yorn

Okay. I don't know if you know anything about Pete Yorn but he opened up for Crowded House when I saw them last fall. He really is a great songwriter. You probably know him from the song Strange Condition. I just happened to like the song Life on a Chain better (and now Undercover). I always was a rebel. He sounds like Jim Morrison to me in some of his songs, Chris Cornell in others. His guitar work on the song Undercover reminds me of Brian Eno! Very "Taking Tiger Mountain" to me... Does anyone remember Brian Eno? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Get you sum Pete Yorn. You wont be too sorry. :wink:

Thanks Legzy for the CD! :hugs:

Da Dreams

So last night another fantastical journey through my subconcious. I don't remember a lot of it. Mostly I remember taking a shower, finding the right shampoo and conditioner. I was at a family members place. Everyone was there either sleeping, or getting ready to go somewhere. (I have a huge feeling of transition with my family. Everyone in my family is. My sister is going places (new house and maybe baby). My brother is getting more mentally sound.) I was running around making decisions.

One scene in the "dream movie" my mother was giving me some interesting advice. It wasn't the usual mom advice. She said, "He is coming. You have to keep an eye out for a man in the car with you. Don't be afraid to help someone out with a ride or getting some help with your car. And don't be bothered about your initial reaction."

I totally blew that off. I mean really who is going to listen to their mom's advice about men!? Then I got to thinking, maybe it wasn't her talking to me. Maybe it was a face put on by someone else to give me a piece of information I would have thrown off if from a person less familiar.

You know? Things are really changing for me right now. Rapidly. Anything can happen. I guess I am going to pay attention to things that happen regarding my car! sheesh. Romance at the wheel. Maybe its D.W. Maybe its a famous race car driver. My luck? A divorced auto mechanic with a daughter. Because thats pretty much what I need in my life. A sibling for the little guy and a man that can fix my car and my attitude. :wink:

Birthdays are Beautiful

•The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

•The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

•The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.

Audrey Hepburn

Today is the day one beautiful woman propelled me into the world via sheer force, sweat and fears. Amazing to me I have lived this long. Seriously when I was in my 20's I just knew I wouldn't make it to 50. And here I am 3 years away. A full grown beautiful woman who has finally found unconditional love from a man (granted he is only four and thats going to totally change, but... hey!).

It took me many years to appreciate being a woman. Many years. I think I have found that at the age of 47, maybe it took me being a mom to realize the complete power of being a woman. That beauty really does come from within (although, it doesn't hurt to be pretty on the outside). I woke up this morning like every other day, wishing I didn't have to work for a living! But grateful for what I have, especially the little man, who was fixing my hair before work today. Another year of fighting the fight, and winning the little battles.

Tonights booming celebration? Me and the midgie are going to make birthday cake. So whats your preference.. Lemon Cake with Lemon Icing OR Golden Cake with Dark Chocolate Icing?

Let your voice be heard. I will take a cake porn picture after its done.

Happy Birthday to me.
I am as old as a tree
I smell like fresh flowers
and I live by the sea.

The Morning

I have a very difficult time rising up in the mornings especially after this time change. This morning was no exception. The alarm went off and the usual "five more minutes" mantra's began. I think thats why I set my alarm extra early, to have that mantra time and process dreams. This morning I felt peaceful in my movements. Maybe its because I am so tired and there is so much for me to do, that I can't move fast anymore. I have to pace myself.

As we leave the apartment I think, mornings are beautiful here. The sky is peach and blue, the jet stream clouds line across the sky. Its a crisp cool. The kind of cool that leaves dew on the leaves. I am carrying the little man's lunch. We are chattering about where we parked the car. I am wearing my favorite sandals and my red corduroy jacket. My son is wearing his favorite sweatshirt and shoes. We are talking about the airplanes and rocket ships. Where everyone is going on the planes. What people do in space. I get melancholy.

Its so sad that the other person in his life can't enjoy the simple moments. Just making his lunch or that little boy request to tighten his shoes. The way he walks like his uncle and his head looks like his grandpa's. But hey. I get to. Yea ME!!!!

AND TO STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT!

March 13th is the day i was brought screaming and kicking into the world. Sorry to confuse. Will have a b-day post tomorrow with some porn. (its also weigh in day for the beginning of a newer slimmer ME!)

*giggles*

happy birthday battery money.

I got money from my dad. And then the battery died. I guess thats something to be grateful for. Wont have to worry about that for 7 years now (if the car lasts that long).

I love having a car thats paid for though. Hallafreakinlujah!!!!!

Weighing in on my birthday. Is that a sign?

WW Thursdays

I begin another weight loss chapter in my life. Losing weight is a struggle for me. I have a highly sensual nature and food has always been a comfort. Time to change the way I look at it. In light of that? Weight Watchers meetings start today.

Granted, I joined because the meetings are at work and I don't have to travel to them, but also my company reimburses us 50% of the fees at the end of the session. And this time around, there are incentives. I love incentives.

Good nutritional experts and fitness instructors will tell you that diligence is key. I have to remember that word in this go round. DILIGENCE!!! And choices. I realize that support is a big factor for me. I enjoy having people around me to give me reminders now and again that I am doing great or doing poorly.

So it begins. I will post the original weight this after noon in an edit. We can watch my transformation together. Part of this process is to cut out the amount of alcohol that I consume. Thats going to be a bit more difficult. But I plan on succeeding without a lot of fanfare. I just have to.

Thanks for your patience while I battle out my fight for fitness and weight loss. At the end I should have an awesome swim suit shot to put up (in keeping with my increasing "porn-like" photos here at not just noun & verbs - HA!).

edit: weigh in is next week. whew! bring on the ice cream! :giggles:

edit: edit: weighed in at 230. YIKES!!! "wires her jaw shut"

3pm.

All I want to do is sleep today. Why don't I work for myself again? :sighs: I wouldn't get anything done then either.

Okay while google-ing the picture I came across these lame excuses to use when caught sleeping at your desk. Top Ten Excuses when caught sleeping at your desk.

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who do Yoga?"

4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3) "The coffee machine is broken..."

2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot!

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:" in Jesus Name, Amen."

man, this has to be the lamest list.. can anyone come up with a better one? like:

"Oh, that really does smell like pine."

"Did you find my contact?"

"I thought I heard a Who! (a person's a person no matter how small)"

"I was practicing for my acting class tonight. Our production is called "Insomniac".

can you think of any?

Bustiers

I dreamt about them all night long. Different color, closures, ribbons, lace, velvet, mostly old world style.

I blame Neil.

Rejection - the whining. (oy vey)

You know? I don't mind rejection. Well, I say that. It hurts. But only if you let it. I watch the world around me and feel like I haven't ever been a part of something others have. I don't know what that is, but it feels like alienation. Not from my own hand. I get out there and lay my soul on the line everyday. I like that. Its who I am. But when you keep getting run over or stepped over or pushed down, you get tired. You become distrustful. And even the most well intentioned person becomes a potential source of agony to my already waning spirit. When did people stop accepting each other for who they really are? And not judge them by a specific set of illusionary "rules" they deem fit to place upon someone else?

Why all of the sudden is there so much rejection in my life? Is it a passing phase? Am I learning something new? What is it that I am seeking actually? The avoidance thing doesn't work but cutting out my online connections is helping. For some reason, I put too much emotion into my friendships on line. I am too emotional after all, but its who I am. That wont change. I would hope that after 46 years (well, actually 47 because my bday is in 10 days) on this planet, I would have learned how to deal with it. Or maybe its a gift that I will never have a heart of stone.

My life is in a phase of turmoil. I find myself wanting to hide and not be with anyone at all. I allow myself to think I am a lost soul. Until I can find some peace within myself, I am merely tethered to the planet. As I was walking back from doing laundry yesterday afternoon, I had the sensation of not being in my body anymore. I inhabit a different place. Maybe its the fact I don't have any time for myself. Is it the fear of being broke? How am I going to deal with the reality of my son and the rising costs of supporting him? I feel that the world is crashing in on me and I have nowhere to turn.

In all this self analysis I find there is really NOTHING to complain about. My life is sweet in comparison to so many. I have lovely son that is healthy and whole. I have a good job in paradise. I get free coffee every day. My car is paid for and running. I have enough clothes to get me through the week without doing laundry. I have full function of all my limbs and a fairly intact mind. And a good source of food at my disposal whenever I feel hungry.

Maybe I need not write any of this out here and just get on with things. I am working on making me a better person. Thats the best I can do. But damn, I sure could use a crane to remove some of the burden for a few days a month. And If I was a gambling gal? I would bet thats going to happen the day before monkeys fly.

Yea. I used to be a purely positive person. But I guess thats my son's job now. :wink: