Noticing

Tonight I thought I was finally having some honest dialogue with a person who called themselves my friend. Asked me a question, I answered the best I could. And finally felt some relief about this situation! I felt like there was a part of me that finally made some sense. A situation made a lot more sense. It wasn't necessarily what I wanted to happen, but honestly I care about this person and their happiness is more important than my desires.

As i lightened up very very much, my son said to me, mom you are acting crazy, like you are drunk. I was taken off guard. I started thinking, you know when i am drunk, i must act relieved and happy. And he hasn't seen me that way UNLESS i was drunk.

Wow, thats a pretty hefty reality. I am going to have to take some time to ponder all that!

ill get back to you as soon as I have more to say about that. :)

Mentor

I met with a SCORE mentor yesterday to discuss an idea I have. He was an excellent business consultant! No nonsense, very direct, gave me practical steps and advice. He did put it to me this way, You have to remember this is something you are going to spend your time doing. Make sure it something you like and are passionate about.

Part of me is so GUNG ho about moving forward, the scared part of me is trying to find reasons to NOT to.

My ultimate goal is to have a studio;
Painting,
Music,
Sculpture,
Computer,
Photo Shoot ability

This idea, if it takes off, (and it will) shall bring this piece into my life. I so need an organizer!!!!

Bring it universe. MOTIVATION!!!! xo

M

188

And today is the day I realize what that means... and how I can change it by just regarding myself. understand its my lifes challenge, that so much time I have spent disregarding myself, its time to ingest good foods, in amounts that I need, and not to feed something food will  never nourish.

Find what that is and nourish it.

April 4. 182

goal: 135

A MAN... i have a boy.

I want a man that challenges my mind, not my devotion.

I want a man that sees me and enjoys me being myself.

I want a man that is happy knowing who he is, even if who he is isn’t normal for everyone, 

in fact I would prefer him to not be like everyone else.

I want a man that enjoys sex, not perversion.

I want a man that wants to help me stay active, not by dictation by opportunity.

I want a man that is creative

I want a man that loves music

I want a man that communicates with me, no matter how mad we are at each other, or at the world.

I want a man that I can shower with love, without reservation. 

I want a man. 

Relationship Status

You know all your "personal" social media pages have a profile information box. One of the established parameters is your "relationship status".

And the only option ANYONE should ever choose? Establishing relationship with SELF! All the rest are just entertainment until I am ready to compromise...

RIGHT??? (thats kalifornication for the southern AMEN).

are you a friend

Sometimes people won't be your friend because they worry about what other people think.
Sometimes people can't be your friend because they worry about what other people think.
Sometimes people choose not to be your friend, because they don't trust themselves enough to stop worrying what other people think.

are you my friend? or am i just something to keep you from being bored?

I think that the people in my life I care about are wonderful... and I don't care who has an opinion about that, because no one else gets to live my life! its MINE!!!

BONUS. = o )

A DAY

Finally I have a day off... I am driving to the city to hang with my bestest married friends and gather intel about food. I am going to be out of there by 5 pm, and not back to my town till midnight...

BB, Meet me for dinner or a coffee... k? fingers crossed. xo

Adornment

I am not a woman that has expensive jewelry, and yet the pieces I do own are priceless to me… let me explain. Like some people tattoo themselves to remind them of some purpose, (or whatever reason they put ink on their skin, a custom I have yet to understand), my thought is they are marking themselves in honor of something or someone. For me that’s what jewelry is for, and I think there are others like me. 

My inventory: 

A claddah ring that was given to me by my father, I have had for years.

A moustache mood ring that reminds me of my son, and our joyful times.

A thin silver cuff bracelet that I have had since I was 25, and never taken off. It reminds me of a friend, and of my years on this planet.

A beaded bracelet created by a bed ridden lady that I met a few years ago, who has since passed on. To me that reminds me life is a shining light, never take it for granted.

I wear a “camel bell” bracelet that I bought on a whim years ago. It jingles! Sounds of any kind keep me sharp, and I prefer pleasant sounds.

I have a necklace with a crystal on it to bind good energy to me.

Earrings are simple silver hoops, as not to distract people from looking me in the eye.

That’s a small breakdown of what I tend to always wear. I would probably have more bracelets if I had more money. I love silver, it works for me, gold is too flashy and I don’t like its energy.

My love

Isn't like a blanket that will cover you and smother you

its more like a wind that will support and lift you

giving you a gentle breeze of encouragement

sending you a kiss and a  hope

wishing only the best of all you encounter

when you are near or far

allow it to be... love.

Shelter

No matter what has happened in my life, things usually go REALLY well for me!  Communal living has its perks! New friends, ready meals I don't have to cook, a structured lifestyle (something I am not used to, but it seems to help me and my son) and a place to sleep that is warm keeps us dry and with clean clothes.

Smiling is a great virtue. Finding happiness in even the littlest of things is always the way to see what is there. Kindness and allowance give me a safe place to be while I interact here. Now don't get me wrong, I know the world is full as just as much evil as joy, and I don't turn my eyes away from it, I just choose not to focus on it 24/7.

THE only drawback I can find right now? Elevator noise pollution at deafening levels. It does give me an unnecessary headache. Temporary, Temporary, Temporary... finding a solution to that vibrational disturbance is possible.

Reinventing My Life

Phase one: childhood
Phase two: adolescence
Phase three: adult hood.

Phase 4 - ?

As we go from placenta to grave there are so many phases we pass through. I have found I am in another "change" phase. Knowing all I have learned from the past, I can feel more comfortable and at ease with my allowing the universe to show me the new path. Life happens to us whether we are controlling it or not. Somethings are better left alone to become their organic manifestations. Money isn't one of them really! LOL...

I have found something out about myself, and I hope that this phase will really solidify some ideas I have about self love and accomplishment. As well as how I show my love to others.

Thinking, meditation, healthy eating, exercise, and moving forward.

Our connection

It is so amazing. Why do you keep throwing up fear in the face of something obviously beautiful and connected? Why tear yourself up over the past when now is so much better?

Trying to beat up others via beating up yourself is a losing battle. YOU are in control of how your past treats your present... and holding onto anger for something someone else did to you only burns up YOUR energy and YOUR life. They are unaffected. This lack of anger management only effects you, and EVERYONE else,  BUT not the party you are angry at. EVER.

Put that mind to use my friend and live your life in happiness. In that happiness you will find the energy to battle the things that really matter to you.

No matter your choice, I will be there to help you. I hope I am a choice, but if not? There are people in this world that will honor my spirit. I just hope that because we are SO alike, we will find our way to each other more and more.

Riding the waves of hope and surfing the reality of what is. Thats all I am going to do for now.

I don't know you well, but i do know that I care. Its what i got!

wow... great affirmation...

Tonight a friend of mine I haven't talked to in almost a year was on line... We had a nice time catching up. We were VERY close at one point in life. The usual questions came up, and then I revealed to him what was going on in my life. He was all full of the usual questions, how did that happen? Where are you living etc. Then he gushed about how he had totally admired me before, but now even more so.  "What is happening to you right now would demolish most people. You are so strong! " Exact words. Left me pretty much speechless, as I see myself as a typical woman just walking my path and doing the best I can. With dignity and grace.

After we caught up,  he restated his admiration of me, and that he couldn't believe how well i was handling things. THEN he said to me, are you writing about this? He reminded me that I am a consumate wordsmith. That many people would kill to have the kind of talent i have.. well, you get the drift of his intention to remind me of my skill. And I got to thinking, I have been keeping notes here and there, but not writing thoroughly. Maybe its time to write a story.

Anyway, I had a rough day today, nothing major but since being in the shelter I have become increasingly tired. So, tomorrow, i will take it easy and start with an outline...

This man knows me and my writing and he is right. and NO Bossman, its not you. Its a canadian friend of mine.

keep well. and keep aware. I will write.

It just Is

After meeting you, I can't stop thinking about you! I try everything to put you OUT of my mind, but in you creep, even in my dreams. 

No illusions, I will always care about you and treat you with love. We are two very similar people at the same point in life dealing with the same issues of pain from the past. I am here if you ever need to speak with me, bb.  

No matter who you end up schploogin! I have your back. You have my heart. Be aware. 

sometimes

When having a discussion with another human last night, i realized I have some pretty far out ideals about why and where we come from.

Thats not an admission of shame or delusion. Its real for me. Thats all that matters.

Love

I work on a cable TV show running cameras and graphics. The topic for the last show was "relationships". Meh. Thats a myre of discontent, unless both are willing to work on the situation and communicate in a mature manner. I have yet to find a man strong enough for me. Crazy enough to just be who they are without shame or blame. One that knows there is a need for another in balancing our final days in these weak mortal forms. sheesh! not the point at all. MOVING ON!

At one point in the show, the word LOVE was mentioned. A man sitting next to me said, "Love is fucked up. " I was quick to retort, "Love isn't fucked up. Love is a pure thing. You have a pet? You love your pet right? Its NOT love that is fucked up, People are." And thats all i have to say about that.

mmm hmm...

Men are dicks

They are just bodies lead around by a diving rod that rules their minds.

YEA i know thats not wholly true, but damn ladies, if you have more than a C cup? Men are dicks. Learning to deal with it is the future.

Homeless

I am literally homeless! My 9 year old son and I are couch surfing... Its been an amazing adventure. Honestly things could have been so much worse! Opportunities are so much more sacred when they appear. Bed seems so much sweeter, friends are so much more dear.

I know this is all happening for a reason. I haven't EVER been homeless in my life. Now with a child in tow its even more stressful. I have a good idea for us to move forward. It will help us both find some footing.

I keep thinking of the seen in "Avatar" where all the indigenous people are sitting around the tree of souls holding hands and chanting. I pray my spirits, guides and in real time friends are on that platform with me pushing energy in a positive manner. I feel you all.

We are on the path to a great new place.

Dumb Luck

Who knew? I am not a plotter or a planner. Its not in my nature. I follow the path of enlightenment and discovery. Trusting the universe to show me what wonderment is following me and/or leading me.

So what dumb luck brought me to the name of this blog? It just fits as I see it, and now without provication or manipulation, hits high up on the "google" search. BONUS.

Now I need to make the most of it. Maybe. giggle. I have no clear vision to where I should be going or how that is supposed to look. I have to trust the people that see me that way as well, no matter where they come from.

My mind is on writing... Let it be so.

We can.

Each day of my adult life, I have had to remind myself I am an amazing person. I pray that each day of my son's life, he never fights that demon. He is completely amazing. I want him to know and believe that each time he opens his eyes from dreaming or doubting life, he realizes he is an element that makes destiny more amazing.

We are all a drip-drop that creates the next ripple. Doubt is a silent killer. Believe in you. Its pretty much all you got. 

What have I done to myself?

Life is about choice to choice... And things happen that are meant to make us even better than we expect ourselves to be. This week is a GREAT example of that.

I have had an upheaval in life, which might have been shortened a bit if i had done some actions that would have created a quicker recovery, but one of my main issues is avoidance.

I am not responsible for what expectations my family has of me. I am not responsible for the expectations that my friends have of me. I am an amazing woman, and everything is happening for a reason. I love life. I have seen people who DONT know me during this situation that remind me how staunch and resilient I am. How calm and positive I am. They have spoken it outloud! They have reminded me I am special, and my son is lucky to have me. Doubt B gone! I am free and ready for the next level of my life, which will continue my amazing experience.

Love is without expectation, or judgement... thats what I deserve in this life. I will have it. I am ready to choose it over any thing else. Thanks for the support, my core universe.

My brain is saying WRITE

And since I don't know where to go with that, here is where i am!

Modern day revolutionaries have become just as judgmental as the powers they are trying to rise above. Tolerance in the US has become as instantaneous as a BIC lighter and as characteristic as WalMart. Their offers of hope are vacant at best, but they still have a huge ego. I am not sure I could do any better, but I sure as hell wouldn't be any worse.

Why is it we aren't utilizing the 2000 years of wisdom that has come before us? We call ourselves evolved and yet we all battle in our own skins in EACH moment? I see the beauty of how many are willing to attend to others, giving everything, and expecting nothing. And I question why there is such an imbalance. 

I am a warrior for the light, and not the dark. I seek the dark to understand its obsession, and share with it the light it needs, for I can NOT move forward until that is accomplished. Isn't all any of us want is peace? and or piece of mind? And yet so many of us TEAR at each other with reckless abandon out of fear and instinct. That may be a very base way of seeing reality.  

or maybe this is all some kind of acid flashback, and I am the walrus... 

See, hear!

If you speak your mind, you are likely to be misinterpreted. If you keep your mouth shut, you are still likely to be misinterpreted. Remember that judgement from others isn't based on you at all. Just so you know. 

Naked Truth

You know when you are stripped of all you believe to be important, it comes down to what really is. You find your true self in those moments. All shiny and new again.

Keep Me

How hard is it for us to face the truths of our choices? Remember to honor yourself for making any choice you do make. We are just weaklings clinging to the promise of a beautiful tomorrow. We create all we eventually perceive. Keep your pace beloved. Keep your wisdom. Keep your originality.

You showed me that my originality was something worthy. Im here to be your best friend. Let it BE.

Jeff

Last night I had a dream about my ex, Jeff. We were together in a house with Austin, our son. We hadn't seen him in a long time, I think it was some kind of holiday and we remet at church. We were having fun with taking a shower, and watching baseball on TV. Lots of things were happening, Padres on TV... anyway, at one point we were laying in bed talking about love. The discussion I think was about how women and men have a Hate/Love situation going on all the time, we hate to love them but we do... I looked at him and I said, yea I hate to love you but i do. He said, yea you do.

I actually DONT! so, I am wondering what the message is in that vision? Who in my life now, reminds me of Jeff, in the sense of relationships? Someone I may need to let go of quickly as to not ride that wild stallion into self hatred territory again. There were a lot of truths in that dream! Things to look for, and be grateful for; friends, connection, judgement, peril, property and its value, but the impact of love most of all.

Love is a wrangley octupussy. So many things are caught up in there... I know what I want! Hands down, and its something I have felt recently. I realize getting to the point of having what i want means I clear up some life business, mainly work and settling into my true passion. I will just be patient to find him again, the man that is fated to be my partner, someone as uniquely odd and creative as I am, but with opposite strengths so that we can make each others lives easier and more peaceful.

Theres a moment

There is a moment when you realize
The sounds you hear strike different vibrations in your soul than others
the things you see aren't unique, you see them uniquely
the images you create are a surreal cast of your own dreams.

Thats when you grow in all directions towards finding a light you can live with.
A passion that keeps you reaching for the light from the darkness.

Life is a balance of both. keep reaching moment by moment.

mm - 2012

How to evaluate whats important

There come times in our lives when the universe tosses us off, and says, you have been complacent long enough... you asked for change, WHAMO. Change you got. I am presented a wonderful opportunity to once again shift my life.

I am at said crossroads. It will be interesting to see who appears or reappears to help me, because that will be part of my next transition. As capable and as strong a woman I am, its going to take a village for me to accomplish this one gracefully.

Send me loving thoughts of strength, tenacity and support. xo

let go

While growing up, I never realized that men like to make women feel like they are important. I never realized they wanted to feel as connected as we do. Mostly what I got from men was a physical connection the transfered as emotional.

I love the men in my life, because they are who they are, physical before mental.. AND in my mind right now, there is only one man that keeps me wanting to see more. I hope he knows I see how sad he is. I let go. baby, you are amazing just the way you are.

so cliche, and so true. my mind wont change on that.. like, EVER. 

Magic Castle

Off Highland and Franklin is an establishment called "The Magic Castle". I was invited to go by a good FRIEND that really has shared some amazing experiences with me in southern California   I looked forward to it for 2 weeks, went, totally had a great time. Made me want to try to do magic tricks, in a way. Seriously, I think I could totally do card tricks! But I am a dreamer.

The reason I am writing this is I want to learn from this experience. This night reminded me that magic is everywhere. We are all magicians. Some of us get do it professionally. How fucking lucky are these people? What's MY magic trick? Where do I shine that causes others to notice me and help me feel satisfied? There is an answer I have been fighting for years, because I don't realize my full potential. I haven't had substantial experience in self actualization. My talents are sensual, and so taboo in this puritanical society. I can't sell out, like ever. I have created a rocky path.

Its time for me to take into account my healing, psychic, mother earth abilities that will bring me affirmation and cash flow. Sadly ALL I have ever wanted to do is be a DJ. I am a music JUNKIE! I have the music and the lyrics in me. I think my purple cow moment will be GRANDMA radio~ not your average every day rebel, just a sagging bitch with intelligence and an attitude!

How magical is that!!!!!!

A day to think

I have a day off, and I drove to LA to spend time with a friend. Today everything just sank into place, which allowed me time to be uncomplicated and have some linear thought. I don't get that kind of time very often. I live alone with my offspring, the mini me, the artist in the making, a spontaneous combustion of superior intelligence that wears me like a coat! I am such a sucker for that kid. Currently,  we are in counseling to discuss our issues but we seem to keep stepping the same steps. I hope that Katrina and Martha can help is define a middle ground, which isn't happening easily between us. Family relationships are the deepest you have in your life in regards to effecting your thinking process and emotional reactions. This one is going to work, as they all do, I want it to make us better people in the long run. I hope I can do it.

Its so interesting to see his mind develop. So often, he does something that reminds me of how i was as a child. Or even now, as I have remanded a childlike attitude most of my life, much to the dismay of anyone that has to deal with me on a personal level. I tend to be outspoken, self absorbed, misguided by naivety, and outright foot stompin obstinate. And I wonder why I have a child that is that way!

I am appreciated and loved, as is my son. He has a way to go ahead of him and I hope that I can be a suitable teacher. If i can't, I hope that I can find surrogates that fit his personality and allow him an easier path along the landmine that is life experience.

Today I have had time to think. I have thought about my son and my own desires of where I want my life to go. I want a studio, for my creative manifestation. I hear music in my head, and i see pictures i have been drawing for months. My son needs to see mommy in her element. I hope I am offered that opportunity to let him sit in the passenger seat, and be my copilot in yet another adventure for the Mitchell family of two.

love to my friends and family see me for who I am, and love me anyway!!!!

My friend teaches me

In my dream last night there was rain and an uphill climb with work, and a good friend.

This morning I woke up feeling recharged and focused, and a thought immediately popped into my head. Maybe its not me, Maybe someone is keeping their distance to protect me from getting hurt.

I don't understand humans, but I try. This thought came to be very clearly. I know its truth.

Something

So many days, i ponder what is my life for? I know that is a question we all seek answers to. I am not where near the answer.

Where has this road lead me? I was around people the other night and felt all alone. I am tired of feeling that way.

Sometimes things aren't what they seem, and you may not understand them for a very long time. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem. Those are the easy things.

Even IF

Even if you never ever love me, even if you never care, even if you never accept our connection, I get to love you without limitations. Im not going to live in a world that wont respond to my affections, but I am happy to see you for who you are and LOVE you for that. Men will want me. i am too precious to be alone, or waiting for you to SEE me. I love you. I wont stop.

ONE day, in this beautifully miserable life i have chosen, I will see him. the other side of me, that feels what I do, and he will see me. He wont let me go. And I wont let his beauty go to waste either.

Its so odd that I am such an old soul, and still I havent found someone that is as strong as me.

Parent - Teacher

So, last night we had our parent - teacher conference. These are ALWAYS great for me, for many many reasons. I will make a bullet list in this regards, but first I am going to say that my gratitude to the universe knows NO bounds in regards to my son's school. Each day I thank whomever brought us here, and pointed me to that place. Its been a sanctuary for my child and for me. Its making him into a self assured, honest, caring, gentle, directed and intelligent man.

The process starts with the teacher bringing out a goal sheet, AND a self assessment sheet that the child has filled out. So it proceeds with a discussion of the strengths and weaknesses the child sees. The entire conversation is prepared to support the child in understanding where he is doing GREAT and where he can use improvement based on his OWN vision and not that an adults perception. What a concept huh?

This year Austin has a male teacher, and it is GREAT for him to see this man as a role model. What he is learning from bryan is to be focused and true to himself. Bryan is a gentle giant, in the sense of he is an individual that is clear and patient with his own boundaries, and gives honest, positive, and supporting advice. He isn't the only teacher to be that way, that is why his school is so special. That type of support comes from each person on campus. Its honest, caring and consistent. The way they address each other is with respect and regard. There isn't insincere compliments or humiliation or shame.

Sigh, what i wouldn't give for every child to have that kind of upbringing. Its amazing to see the difference in Austin that from other public school educated kids his age. He respects adults and talks to them with ease. He is inquisitive and unafraid of asking questions (part of that comes from me forcing him to seek answers from others).

Anyway, I'm tired of writing for now.. More on this topic in the future. I just wanted to acknowledge the growth of my part of the world.

Feed Me

This holiday season, I have been insatiably hungry! But food doesn't seem to be feeding that hunger.  The reason I say that is because I keep putting food into the gullet, and still feel unsatisfied. What is pushing that desire? That longing to be filled? I know one is a physical relationship with someone, but deeper than that a longing is haunting me.

Something spiritual is brewing up desire south of my equator. I have had sessions with a great therapist which has lead me to some answers. I know that I have spent many years beating myself up, and I need to focus on finding a middle ground between hating myself and being too egotistical in caring about myself.

Focus is the key word. Issues with my stomach and intestines are from my inability to remain stable progressive growth, spiritually. What keeps coming up is creativity, art and writing. I will write every day, and attempt to make one sketch every day. I will look for an apartment/studio where I can educate my son to find his own voice through his creativity.

Focus, redefine, focus, redefine, focus, fine tune... focus! Life is change. thats GOOD news.

You know, one word

No matter what, i always smile when i think of you! i can see your face when I see your words. yea. thats a lucky break for me.

I don't care who thinks I'm a sappy so and so, bite me. I'd rather be happy than a pain in the ass to everyone around me. Its more advantageous and gathers more abundance to me.

Yea. I am going to find a studio space this time around, instead of living in a house. My son and I can make art and music the rest of our lives, with out judgement or control from anyone else. Just creativity.

Wanna join in? We need a third party!

I need help!

You know these days its all I can do to keep hanging on to the end of this rope. There is a better life waiting. I am not sure how much I can accomplish physically, but the task is at hand to move out and move on to the next home. I know we need it, I want a fresh start in a lot of areas in my life.

Universe, send me warm bodies to help me lift and store my belongings and settle into an updated, and positive life. Send my love to the ones that can feel me.

I was reminded.

I never thought someone like you existed either love... But here we are. Running faster and farther away, wont make it any less so. Im not your typical female, and you aren't a typical male. Stop fucking that beauty up with your brain, and let your heart sink back into your body. Lets love and move forward together or away from each other.

Analyzing, trivializing  pontificating and procrastination any situation will not rearrange the chemistry or the physics. It will delay, maybe even lifetimes, the inevitable collision of said atoms.

Relearn yourself love, be patient with what IS, let go of the illusion of how you think things should be. It hasn't served you yet, and will continue to NOT serve you.

I don't have any agenda other than caring what happens to you in all capacities. Find your smile crazy clown. The balance is out of whack, get back on track!

Moving along

I love life. I do, I really do... It seems the year 2012 for me really was the end. The end of a lot of things, one more which is headed my way RIGHT now... a move.

Every move I have made in MY life has lead me to something GREATER than the place before. I know this is meant to be and will exalt me to my next level. I just wish I wasn't always having to do these things alone. I could use an extra set of hands and lips around just to take the sting out of harsher moments. Not to mention help me with the heavy lifting.

Bring it on universe... You have me down now, might as well keep on kicking, because I'm NOT giving in. no matter how much blood is spewing out of my arssenal.

Giggle Bunny

My comedian status is intact. My son and i were driving home from school/work, and he said to me "Mom!!!! say something funny again. You're so funny!" a great reminder that levity is a relief and I am GREAT at levity!

giggle bunny checking out. xo

Art

Art is pretty damn cool if you ask me. In all its forms. Even BAD art is cool! It shows that people are thinking!!!!! Creating, going outside the boundaries to find a purpose and a commitment to their passions.

Today I was looking at a simple drawing, a cartoon and the question came to me that haunts me in my artist shoes. Why am I so hesitant about illustration? I think that illustration is probably the highest visible form of 2 dimensional art... When you look at a quick cartoon pencil or pen drawing, its amazing how the simple lines make forms, and yet I am baffled or resistant when it comes to putting these lines on paper. I have battled this for 2 years and am behind on a book I OWE a friend. Time to put THAT right, how ever I can, which might include art therapy!

You know, for me,  hesitation creates a vacuum  If I allow that dark side its space, I spend the majority of my valuable time (in regards to a project) trying to fight the power of a black hole. I get stuck just trying to get out of it instead of moving forward and just doing it.

Art, its whats always kept me from complete depression and it seems I have spawned an artistic child. BONUS! Training a young artist will be super cool, IF he can listen and trust my guidance. Kids and parents, is rebellion of nature. Kid says, "I can't possibly be like you because you are flawed!" Parent says, "If only I had listened to my parents."

sigh. Life = cyclical. Art = growth. Meditation = necessary. Freedom = choice. More ART please!

So far

My friend said to me yesterday, Youre kinda ballsy. I laughed and reminded her things needed to get done, and I wasn't going to hold on waiting for some idiot to tell me what the right thing to do was. I like to get things done, so I do them. She smiled and agreed. I just base this temperament on a life that has had many battles, and I proudly honor many scars.

I have traveled thousands of miles, survived pleasant or unpleasant consequences and trials of human nature. Each step makes me a stronger individual, more resilient in nature, more abundant in character and more accepting of the things I can not change. Learning that allowing myself to be WHO I am means allowing more of others to be who they are. Thats not an accepting thats an allowing, and understanding that I don't have to accept who they are, I can allow them to be, and I can be me, choosing to NOT keep them in my life.

What still astonishes me is the point where people have a rare occurrence of allowing connection to people that are in your destiny for so many reasons, and they choose willingly to avoid that connection. Friends, extended family, lovers, strangers, no matter the relationship, even a casual meeting with eye contact is a connection. I just speak of choosing in a moment of time and opportunity, when you realize there is a spark, why not just act upon it. Choose to follow the physics of your being, and allow that magnetism to recharge you and lead you.

Dont use "experience" or "history" or exterior facts that have NOTHING to do with your experience to hinder what is so obviously something created beyond your base humanity, and ego. I am that person who wanders, some say like a fool, following a guidance that is based on trusting my inner voice. Naive, yes. Rich? always. Dangerous? never.

Who are you and who do you want to be? Dont keep telling yourself a lie. Wake up and be the truth. Shake the history, cast off the leeches, scoff at naysayers, and keep on singing your song, banging your drum, painting your canvas, writing your version, and know that NO one is going to really steal anything from you. If anything they have given you a tremendous gift. The gift of becoming even more you than you were before. And being a better person for realizing you dont have to hate or regret. You can learn and grow.

Gratitude in the face of betrayal or deception of those you love is the hardest of all these lessons. I know this one very very well. Still, I refuse to let that shit become my shit. I may not know all that I want, I do know what I have and I do know it always gets better.

Surfing, swimming, paddling, treading water, floating, coming back to shore to dance again with someone that chooses to accept and grow in their lives by being connected in a real sense, without fear, judgement or hypocrisy. Its not happened always that its the best thing, but it is the right thing. So far.

Jellies

Okay, putting them out on the table again with my buddy Amanda! Gonna see where this takes us this year. She does a doorstep dinner program, and I hope these will become a part of her "service".

Residual income RULES! and tasty residual income? Well, is just, TASTY!

Persecution

How many nights have you woken up in a cold sweat from a persecution/torture dream? Today was one for me. 

Dreams last night were of the oriental torture in the woods nature, people shot at close range, women and children hacked up while still alive, the final feel of freedom as you escape only to be overtook and slowly killed. Awful. And even though I know it only lasted for a few seconds, in dream time it was half an hour while this story unfolded of a man and woman that were being persecuted because someone falsely betrayed them. They were a part of a larger group bur this"story" was centered around them.No more details because seriously it was like watching a horror film. I woke up from a DEAD sleep, and feel like lead, half dead, terrified and thankful all at once. 

These nights are the ones that are some kind of residual which clearly is trying to get my attention. So I guess I am grateful that I am living in a fairly free of persecution existence.  And maybe being single isn't all that bad, for now. 

Your Role in the Circus

I don't know why this popped into my head. I was thinking of a friend and thought to myself, he is just a psycho circus clown! (I've known a few of those in my life). Then I thought, well missy, if you're gonna label someone, whats your role?

Yea. Psycho Circus clown. Law of attraction! LOL

Creepy Spiders

In this dream I was at the house of a friend, I have been having lots of dreams of new friends lately, its cool actually. This friend was a "psychic". We had been at a show or the movies and I had come back early because I got bored with it. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands, and when i reached for the sink, I went through what felt like a spider web. The spiders or whatever kind of bugs, because I never SAW the actual bugs, just black dots on the web like material, clung to me. As I struggled with them, they multiplied. The others came home and I asked them to help me remove the bugs, but no one else could see them, and they told me I was imagining things. It took me 3 different sinks/faucets to clear off these bugs. The spiders were biting me, but once they were gone, I looked down, and there weren't any marks on my skin.

Odd.. I remember wearing a red sweater with a white shirt underneath. So odd what you remember about your dreams. I really should type them out when I first wake up. There was a long talk with a psychic woman, seems we were to be sharing a house together. Cool!

I remember you

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart I'll stay there forever."

Winnie the Pooh.

Thanksgiving

Each time I approach an opportunity to help others I question why. Then I push through that because I know it doesn't matter how I am lead to what I need to do, I just need to DO it. All of our lives are spent in flux of where we are and where we want or need to be.

SUCH a great day. My extended family showed up AGAIN today to remind me and my son of our  rich fellowship in this town. I didn't know how to believe that until I experienced it again. A chance for me to give and allow anything to happen. So wonderful. Some people may not be able to really see me, but thats important too. I think I am a person that offers diversity and acceptance. It may be the only thing I am grateful to myself for. I know there is so much more I could do.

Today, I connected with a sailor, a stressed homeless mother of 3, a couple i have spent 3 events with, a mom from out of town that i LOVE!, my best buddies trying to navigate a HUGE event, chico, my pal DJ, so many new faces that deserved my respect. I hope they realize that they are doing the same for me when they take a minute to acknowledge me.

So thankful for that event and that day which means so much to so many. Onto Christmas!

The Bucket List

You know, as I have been fielding my trials and tribs this weird, weird astrologically, spiritually, and soulful journey that has been the last year of my wonderfully abundant existence, I have had reoccurring visions of things I haven't done  and reminded myself, oh wait! You aren't DEAD! woohoo! BONUS!

So, in light of said rediscovery, I have decided to create a bucket list... Some of these things are completely and utterly egotistical nonsense, ie: desires I may NEVER act upon, but mostly? This inspriation needs to be taken CARE of.

Melanie's BUCKET List:

1: Fishing trip to Alaska. I want to bait and hook and catch some large fishes, wearing fur lined clothing.

2. Venice: I want to wear a beautiful black and white costume at a Venice Italy costume party, then ride in a gondola and kiss the night away.

3. I want to do Formula Car racing. I have ALWAYS loved driving fast, in small cars... top speed watching the world as a blur. Heck I would take the Autoban with a Ferrari at this point, but I would love to hit a Formula race track... and feel that power under me while steering.

4. Have a partner that I can love unconditionally and know they felt the same about me.

5. PODCAST: I am the purveyor of new constitution. I am in tune, i see, I feel, I recognize, I don't judge. I appreciate. I'm doing a podcast.

6. Have one of my paintings hang in a museum.

7. Make a film. Completely visionary, no agenda, just beauty. The only message being joy.

8. Disneyland with my son. Riding rides, having a laugh, eating CRAP food, not worrying about what anything costs, and feeling the joy of just being happy in a totally unrealistic but enjoyable space.

9. Help my son understand his empathetic nature and how to nurture it to his highest good without prejudice.

10. I want to ride in a Hot Air Balloon. Maybe in Napa.

11. Be able to use my ankle normally again (this is going to take a miracle, but I am going to keep believing it can happen, cuz i am built to choose).

12. Have a home, with a washer and dryer, a yard, so we can have a dog, a cat, and a place to play basketball or baseball, or heck BBQ and sit outside.

13. Amsterdam at Christmastime!!!! right?

14. Slap someone that REALLY deserves to be told to STFU!... sigh. I know, anger management, and it wont help anything except to make ME feel better, but sheesh! its on the list.

15. I have never done the "flamming bag of poop". I'd like to see that!

16. Streak!!!!! i don't know where or when, but yea! my ugly naked body in protest running free.

17. Niagra Falls. haven't seen it.

18.  Create an entire album (CD/MP3's)  of MY sound, wishfully in my OWN studio, with my son and my friends.

19. Kiss someone I LOVE under a waterfall... Fiji? Hawaii? Mexico? I don't care. just tongues and waterfalls...

20. I want a sustainable Farm.. one that farms fish, so i know that they are heavy metal free. And I am contributing to a healthier planet through the real medicine of our lives, food.

21. Most of all, and this is SOOOO pollyana, but its my freaking list so deal! I want to help make the world a more peaceful place. As we reproduce exponentially, we stress our planet and ourselves. We deserve an oasis that isn't filled with panacea. THATS a dream, but anything can happen. 21 BLACK jack... isn't that appropriate? its odd more people don't associate physics or numerology to events or outcome. Moving ON~

22. Write a novel about why/how we choose life, and a childrens book about understanding and believing that you are who you are, no person can take that from you.

I once said to someone I know, we are an abandoned race of aliens clinging to a dying planet. I wish that wasn't so, but since I am part of the breed, lets make the best of it before the zombie apocalypse.

More to come.

Music

There are a few things that keep popping up in my dreams these last few weeks... Friends that love me for WHO I AM, and Music. Last night i was surrounded in my dreams by my musician friends and they were encouraging me to write and sing again.

With ALL the crapazoid that is happening in my life right now, including my entertaining but frustrating Ninja hamster (which really would make a GREAT song) I am feeling more and more grounded into me.

all happens for a reason, and fighting it with ego is a losing battle.

If

you had the chance to see me again, would you? Make the choices not using words but using actions? If i am that easily forgotten, or dismissed, that pretty much says it all...

running on empty... hopefully i wont get stranded in the desert. I need an oasis... 

Rain

Soothes my soul. Its sunny today so I am going to get out and do something. 

how different are you?

You know so many people label shit.. this is this way that is that way we are this way we are that way… fuck that shit. Nobody is anybody else. 

i have never been predictable. its not an intention, its static, and genetic,  My way is not an accepted  or lucrative path, but its just as real as the shit your trying to sell me… I spend everyday trying to believe that this earth isn’t a huge garbage dump. Cant we believe together? Or is that outside of the “definition”? DRAMA!!!!!!! lol.... so misinformed.

help your loved ones. help your friends. help me.  and ultimately? help yourself. all we are we are.. and everyday is a start of something beautiful. 

you have created a world where your desires are king, without question, and needing. lose the attachment love. or be more forthright.

judging me based on your limitations is counterproductive.

We are each other

maybe we arent each other, but i am rarely wrong about these type of things. No matter how much you complain or whine or bitch to your friends OR yourself, there is no denying our obviously well suited dichotomy.

You claim to be so uber intelligent, so with it and together, an advanced thinker. I believe in you. Your mind is a beautiful place i wish i could sit and absorb for a while. the one thing its missing is a window. its there you just forgot how to open it.

open it bb. and breathe.

HELP~

Sigh.... I need a solid internet connection to accomplish a job, and can't pay my bill so I can't get it done... Then I went to the closest WiFi, and their connection wouldn't let me access the website I needed... FRUSTRATION!

Help me big pile of money, Help me!

Humor

Everybody loves a good joke! Me especially... I have been thinking of starting a comedy routine myself, there is an open mic this week in "college town" and a friend suggested I take part. I am still a bit nervous about being on stage in front of people after all my years of living.

She and I also discussed a topic about what humor really is. She was telling me a tale about a stunt that Jimmy Kimmel pulled with kids and their parents regarding Halloween candy and video tape. I think that humor based on other peoples lives is totally WEAK! I get putting down some actions of stupidity by humans. But entertainment by making fun of people to their face to me is boring, base and basically hateful and rude.

We have become this society of idiots that think our "fellow man" is some kind of freakish cask we aren't a part of, and the ONLY people we can associate with are people like us. And then the "people like us" turn out to be the idiots we ourselves can be! Face it folks, we eat, we breathe we shit we wipe, we sleep we dream we wake and do it ALL over again. Making fun of yourself by using another human as a shield is a cowards game.

I don't have time for weak little cowards. GET SOME BALLS, I think we are all crazy! Some of us just hide it better than others. My life is a bulletin board, and I use dry erase markers to rewrite crazy EVERYDAY~ But I am not going to use other peoples experiences to make my jokes. Hell they are me, and I can't grow and move past the idiocy if i abhor or ignore what they are doing.

Righteous behaviour is fine and dandy if it serves a higher purpose. Being rude and hateful isn't a higher purpose... its a shit-house. I don't want to be queen of the shit-house...

Orca and eggs

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was everywhere. In the beginning of the dream, I was downtown in my home town, and talking to some tourists from France. We were close to a daycare facility where i had been visiting a friend. This couple had 3 children varying ages... Each small enough to hold in your arms though. The smallest one was crying and reaching for me the entire time, so i offered to hold it. This boy came into my arms and started giggling and laughing immediately. I asked them what they were going to do, and if it was ok if this child and i walked for a bit, Sure they said, and so we did. After walking about a half a block i turn around and see that the tourists are gone. I freaked out a little bit but the child was amazing so, I just continued to play and talk to this small child. I then returned to the daycare to leave the boy so his parents could find him, and they were there. They were completely unconcerned! I was baffled by this entire process of the parents reactions.

I was visiting friends last night at their house. They had just redone everything and it was near the ocean in Seattle. I was visiting with a lot of old friends and a few new ones. everyone was dressed beautifully as well. They had a beautiful spread of breakfast foods out. And on each table was a plate of over easy eggs with pepper. I kept thinking to myself i want some, but never quite got there... There was a lot of dialogue with others but i don't remember much of any one topic right now. I hate it when I forget details.

The house was right by the ocean, and once we were done feasting, everyone put on their suits and we went swimming. At the waters edge was a man swimming with an adolescent Orca, and some dolphins. This orca was frolicking around with him, but the man was trying to ride him and it was making the orca upset. The orca kept rolling over tossing him off. I said something to the man and he just frowned and rolled away. The orca swam to me to thank me, and we swam there peacefully while i stroked his skin... Amazing feeling. Then the orca took off to chase a shark away.

AFter I got out of the water, i had to go to the court house to do some kind of required testing. When i walked in to sit down there was this cop standing there "keeping the peace" and directing people. He was HUGE! and honestly out of the whole drem he was he only thing that looked like he stepped right out of a super hero comic book. I mentioned this to the official talking to everyone that was doing the testing. This man said to me, its all in your mind, he isn't that way. I finished my test with a woman and headed out the back door.

Outside the building was a HuGe playground of sand! A hill... at the bottom of the hill was another huge area of sand. There was no one in the area at that very moment and I thought I should go get my son, and play. Then people started showing up with buckets of colored sand, and making murals. My son showed up with his colored sand and started doing amazing artwork.

ok thats it.

Steppin Out

I met a very lovely, nutty but LOVELY, man on the internet. What little I know about him, I very much like. I see him on the website where we met but he isnt really chatting with me anymore.  I know he has a hectic life, so I try not to take it personally. Sometimes that is VERY difficult in this life. When you don't have any direct information, the mind swirls around like a "sandy" storm, creating all kinds of metaphors and mystic logic. I have decided instead of going there to say hi to him, and seeing this interaction going on with no word to me, I am going to step out of the online deal for a bit.

I am a bit gregarious as well, so that tends to shut others down, or make people walk away. That being said, I admit freely that I don't buy into social protocol. (as you have probably gathered after reading this mental diarrhea train!) This is my damn life, and if you don't like my forward manner, you can just go sit on the bench with the rest of the sheep. I don't have enough time to stop pursuing what it is I am after in this brief time I have left on this plane of existence  I ask direct questions because I am sick of people WASTING my time with white lies and timid behavior  I would never intentionally harm anyone in any way, or make your life more difficult, so don't do it to me by placing "manners and protocol" into my vocabulary. I am a wild but gentle soul with no desire to waste my energy on hate, or evil manipulative games. There are plenty of those wolves out there, or sharks if you prefer.

He is only one of three people I talk to there anyway. I miss our chats from our first interactions, but OH WELL!!!!! puttin on my tap shoes and gonna keep dancin.  Online dating can be super fun! But, it does lead to some residual frustrations. I am going to remove the tension, and just step back for a bit. You know where to find me if you are even looking, people that CARE about me. xoxoxoxo

unconditional love is all i have to give, so, if thats not something you want? get lost.

Abandonment

Everyone has issues in their personal lives that lead to deep dark scars. These scars appear when we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to people that we trust with our feelings. Its a BEAUTIFUL thing in so many ways. So freeing to be in that circular awareness balancing out with another and finding joy. And still, vulnerable to the sting of another persons conditions or emotions.

I don't know a lot of people that are as open and forthright as I am. I have spent years working on getting past the petty bullshit and facing my own issues. I am capable of having adult conversations with out judgement or fear. BUT when I put myself on the line, lay it all out, jump into his arms without inhibition, knowing thats what i want, no questions asked so why wait kind of abandonment, I do have one quirky expectation; that the other person is honest with me in return and meets me at the crossroads so to speak. ie: Interested? Cool, then say so! Not interested? Cool! don't waste my time. Need some time to figure it out? Cool! just ask for it! i got NO hate for the people I love. Its an odd concept I know, but be assured its still in practice. Words may misrepresent the level of integrity at some point but the action is always the same. Loyalty and devotion.

A recent episode of me allowing my pure feelings to be exposed has enlightened me to a curious detail of my personality. I think i may have an abandonment issue. This is unhealthy for me and whomever that I come in contact with. This could be a good indicator of why I am not moving forward in love. The lack of true communication beyond a certain point leaves me feeling restless and nervous.  A friend of mine conveyed to me that its typical behavior for a woman to want to feel reassured. In word and deed by a man she cares about who cares about her. My thought process is more along the lines of no one else is responsible for my security or piece of mind. Thats my job. I only have myself to count on and sometimes she isn't available for a sane conversation! So exploring any glitches in the mainframe is of the essence. This is one to tear down and rebuild for sure.

I am happy that something static and stationary is going to come into my life this week. That will help me focus and get past some serious personal issues I have to face this month.

I apologize if my issue has been upsetting to anyone, and grateful to the non-hypocritical humans in my life that understand I am human and forgive me for that. As I do their issues. All we have is forgiveness, levity and forward motion to keep us from killing one another! Lets laugh again, shall we?