The Companion

This is an entry I posted February 2006. Someday, I will find my companion. I know he is out there, somewhere.


Have I ever been in love? I am wondering. I know that I have made attempts to share my heart with the opposite sex. I have shared my body with the opposite sex. I have been so entranced by the someone that i got lost in its dream and faded away... into a person I didn't wish to be. We all share this story.

Its a story of love. But tell me readers. What is love? Is it the butterflies in your stomach? Is it the way the ass looks as it walks away from you? Is it the breath that caresses your neck as you sleep? The time you lie awake waiting to see those eyes looking at you again? Is there love in those moments? And when they do leave us, does love leave? Not really. Like all great days, the sun sets, and it fades. Its bright beautiful colors growing darker. Filling the corners with its remaining pieces of glitter and momentos. And that finally fades to. But our hearts always hold a piece of that. Like ice frozen in a rock, our love melts but it makes a space that remains with us always.

This week I have observed the evidence of love. And love lost. From the eyes of my women friends, some who are saying goodbye to their visions, perspirations and perpetual heart song flowing out to that other. The promise of the other. The being that completes ourselves. The companion makes life worth living! Reminds us to sing, laugh, shave our legs, paint beautiful dreams with our words to them, about them with them. Sweet sisters. We must remember one thing, without us they would be nothing! And in leaving us for another, they have left themselves without US! A true friend and companion. But such are choices that we have no control over. Hence the pain of the greatest feeling we will ever know.

We find ways to remove ourselves from the pain. From the heartache. Taking down old images and replacing them with mirrors. To remind ourselves of our beauty, our purpose, and our ability to overcome. Until in that mirror we see our light shining again. We put on our amour, and we saddle up to ride again across the wilderness. Looking for the companion. The other. The one that makes us laugh, sing and soar above the old pangs of love. A true, sure and honest companion.

But, damn all this waiting. Its hell on my sex life! ;-)

Halloween

OK. I admit it. I am BORING this year. I wanted happy pumpkins. (basically because they are easier to carve)

and here they are.



I will put up a picture of George later... I tried to do a good job on the mask, but... not happy with the results. He on the other hand is ecstatic.

Halloween Humor

Why can't witches get pregnant? Because Warlocks have hollow weenies... HA!

Morphin.

%1

OK. NO way do I look like this woman. but this is cool.

enjoy.

Weekend...

Man. I am tired! I love Santa Barbara. There is ALWAYS something going on. And if you think I am kidding, check out the SB Parent.com.

Friday night was slow. Went out for Thai food. Found a good restaurant so that is good news. Then off to a friends. Austin wanted to play with the "boys" (25 year olds. :wink:)

Saturday:
The Opera. Hansel and Gretel. A-man enjoyed it. He asked me about the animals, the curtain, why there was a cage on the stage, when were the animals coming back, where were the people going, why was there smoke, and "look the sky was blue, and now its red". He sat still and watched. Afterwards there was a party. They had things for the kids to do. Mask making, bracelet making, decorating gingerbread men, floral hair wreath making, and face painting. They also had hot dogs and juice. Good times.

Then, you wanted to go and play with the "boys" again. I obliged you. I like going to CC's house.

Sunday:

Kids Parade (Halloween) All kinds of kids in costume marching down State St, tossing candy. He wasn't too happy about asking for candy. A-man is shy. (So much like me when I was younger). But he managed to get some goodies. Then we went to a "bunny" festival. That was very interesting. I think everyone wants a bunny when they see them. So fluffy and soft and cute. He kept asking me for a bunny. That is not going to be his first pet. (I am thinking a gold fish.)

We got him new shoes, and "Meet the Robinson's". A-man finally passed out around 9:30 last night.

We were both tired this morning. Mommy needs work weeks to recover from the weekends.

Ready for Halloween? :excited:

Boobs

I have boobs. They take up a good portion of real estate on my person. Its not something that I asked for, am ashamed of, or even despise. Although my lower back may say otherwise most days. Why am I speaking of them now? Reason: I was observing some photos from a flickr contact. The images were of civilians being trained as volunteer fire fighters. What does this have to do with boobs do you ask? Here goes.

These women in the photos, there were probably 3 or 4, didn't have large breasts. Now, I don't applaud or judge them for this. What point came to mind is how much IN THE WAY larger breasts seem to be. They were strapping on the harnesses for oxygen, and their boobs don't interfere. I mean, if I donned this thing, well, i don't think there would be enough strap! I found myself feeling upset because my anatomy can get in the way of some possibilities. sighs.

Here are a few examples of my upper body interference.

• Have you tried to make a complete golf swing, like with a driver, and not be able to bring your arms across your chest? You have to move your entire body. not good.

• I have knocked drinks over at the bar WITH MY BREASTS... You know some people talk with their hands, and knock them over. I have other ways. Thankfully it makes my friends laugh, male bartenders find this intriguing, and I get another drink for free. (Thought I did a blog on these occasions, but must not have...)

• Its a playground for my son. well, until he turned 3, we would be in the store, and down the shirt his hand would go. He even pulled down my shirt at the dentists office. Thankfully the dentist was a funny man, Making the comment, Well at least we know he is going to be a boob man. HA. funny doc.

• Imagine playing co-ed football and getting tackled and landing on them. OUCH!!!!

• golf swing, baseball bat swing, same diff.

• FORGET running. Just forget it. I think my swim coach made me do it on purpose so he could watch me. He was eventually prosecuted for being a perv. PERVY coach... He also made me a diver... Ha. as if that anatomy can ease into the water without a splash.

Now good people, don't get me wrong. Much pleasure can be found with the anatomy that doesn't involve organized sports, or public exercise. And I wont have a reduction, because the procedure is still too barbaric. Like I need to lose sensation there. NOT. Another annoying fact? It's the last place I lose weight. No lie.

So. I am a large breasted woman. I should write a poem, or a song. Keep watching. I think I am going to do just that. Stoop it anatomy. But i guess we are all built for something. My guess? I am built for pleasure. (Cause milk production, well. That was tricky at pregnancy) And if so? Why is it I get no action? :ha:

duh.

You Are 52% Bipolar

You're a bit moody, and at times, your moods can be a bit extreme. It's up to you to decide if you're simply dramatic... or slightly bipolar.

Are You Bipolar?

CHA! Like I needed a "blog thing" to enlighten me. enjoy this scientific test, my bipolar counterparts. HA! ha ha ah bwhahaha.... hey, how did they know my favorite color was purple, and that my arms are longer than my legs... ooo look. something shiny.

*wanders off to watch the hummingbirds*


OFF TOPIC: I apologize for not visiting your blogs regularly. I am a mess of madness this week. too much to do, and as usual put it all off till the last minute. blech.

Rituals

Have you noticed lately what kind of little rituals you have? I mean the only thing that brought it to mind was while dressing my son this morning, after I put on his drawers, he held out his feet. He is used to the "getting dressed" ritual. On him, I put the underwear on, socks, pants and lastly his shirt. In that order. The way I get dressed is about the same. Last thing to go on is the shirt. I kind of like walking around half naked in the mornings... (shhh, i didn't say that out loud).

Other rituals, for example, are in the bathtub. Wash hair first, then conditioner. Then the soapy sap on the loofah sponge, mmmmm soapy sap, then shaving, then scrubbing the face, then pumice stone, then rinsing off conditioner, then out! And the whole hair ritual that follows that, product applied, teeth brushed, then face lotion, deodorant, etc. I mean certain things just must be in order.

What is the ritual you notice most in your life? The way you make your coffee? Your commute to work? Or do you have a ritual of which socks you wear with what outfits? It amazes me how we become more set in our ways as we get older. Maybe its just environmental education. We know how we like things to be. But doesn't that sometimes lead us to being crotchety or stodgy? I don't know. I do like my certain brand of toilet paper, folded in a certain way. And no they can't take that away from me.

I wish everything in my life could have a little more order to it. But then again, what a total drag to be ultimately predictable. right? Just thinking out loud. Enjoy your twoooosday.

Hey Texas, you reading this? :giggles:

Where is my smile... pouts.

Massage Monday

I need a massage. Long one. Then an afternoon to just reflect and heal. Peace.

I did very little this weekend, but unfortunately my body is stiff. Time to start back up at the gym. I have way too much to do and little time on my hands. Why do I put things off knowing its going to take me longer if to accomplish things if I keep postponing them? Life wont get easier unless I work a little harder.

Happy Mondays all. Enjoy your virtual massage.

edit: goddess? I have a bone to pick with you. I signed onto your site, saw its "windy" title, now I am singing the theme song from Oklahoma. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

giggles...

Do you Scream?

Do you ever feel like you are standing in the middle of a crowd screaming and no one can hear you? I know someone in a movie said this line, and I don't care. I believe its a phenomenon that has happened throughout time.

I feel that way right now. My insides are screaming out, and I can't seem to calm them down. I haven't had any sleep (8 hours in two days). I fall asleep for two hours, wake up, can't get back to sleep for an hour or two, then fall asleep for another two hours... Its hell. I am having to up dosage on one medication, and completely abandon another. This experiment with body chemistry is taking a toll on my sleep. (Don't get me wrong. Its been mostly a godsend to me).

In addition, one person in my life I thought was my good friend, is slowly falling into a pattern of disregarding me. My son needs serious discipline rituals right now. All my belongings from a two bedroom apartment are being shipped to a studio. And through all of it, I am having body chemistry experiments with some serious side effects. Topped off with rolling mood swings from another womanly condition. I have no stamina left this week. None.

Man that f*cker on the white steed better show up soon. At least for a few days next week to help with the heavy lifting when my stuff is delivered. There is so much for me to be thankful for. But for today, I am feeling like a steam roller has rolled over me, and I just want to lay here and remain flat. And not think. Or feel anything.

HEEELLLPPP!!!

Never Enough Sleep

There is never enough sleep. Once you become a parent, forget that sleeping thing. Its just gone for a while. :yawn:

Wishing all my friends from RP that are traveling to the "big meetup" a safe trip. And loads of good times. Paste a picture of me on the wall, and don't forget to say clever things, in my accent. Vicarious living is what I do best! Well, there is a debate about one other thing I do best... we will let the smile is the judge of that. (and no... its not sexual if thats what you are thinking :wink:)

Looking forward to hearing all about it. And perhaps to dream. :yawn:

Name Meme

Ok I think I took this from Eliza's site. It may be meme week here, because I am really busy at work. Which means I haven't been regularly visiting my friends sites either. Please forgive. I should be back up to speed in a few days. so look out!

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Heidi Altima

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Coffee Ginger Snap

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
MM-it (WHA?)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Purple Giraffe

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Edith Frankfort

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - Mitme

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Red Martini

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Harry MacKenzie

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) - Manifesto Toffee

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names)
Edith Morton

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Miller Minneapolis

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Spring Daffodil

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Pear Toppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Apple Palm

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Painting Rain Tour


now painting rain sounds like my kind of activity. do it if you want to, and let me know. I would like to see.

Pumpkin Patch

Ok. Our first pumpkin patch of the season was Sunday. We drove south to a friends house to check it out. They had dinosaurs, ghouls, a big inflatable slide, a jumper, and pumpkins galore! I managed to take a few shots. I love pumpkin time. Orange orbs of goodness.



Can't wait to "smoosh 'em up" as the little one says, regarding the carving of the pumpkin.

happy tuesday bloggers.

zoo date

Okay. going BACK to the zoo today. play date for the little one. he is excited about meeting up with his friend he ran into last weekend. I am excited to. I love michael.

long day. got a magnetic fishing rod with magnetic fish. and its cherished.

Ok Dreamers

I have had dreams come true in the past. One time I dreamt about nuclear holocaust while living in Houston. In part of this dream, on the wall of a rehearsal hall I was singing in, there was a painting of mouth shapes posed in the pronunciation position using different vowels or consonants. At the end of this dream, I was in a church preforming, and over the loud speaker someone announced "name your nemesis country here" had launched nuclear missiles and the president was retaliating. This announcement was to inform us to find shelter. I ran to the phone to call home. While waiting, I looked out the window. It was a lovely, clear, beautiful day. But in the distance, I saw large dark clouds getting closer, big booms were shaking the ground (yes I could feel them), and the sound of helicopters rushing people off the streets was deafening. That was basically the end of the dream. I woke up crying and shaking.

The next waking day I was on a first date with a guy. He took me to his friends house for some reason that I currently can't remember. While I waited for them to finish their talking in the other room, I wandered around the living room. On the wall of this mans apartment was the EXACT painting from the night before. Same colors, same lips, same red lines dividing the examples. When the two of them returned, I asked this stranger, "Have I ever met you before?"

He said, "No. I have never seen you before."

I asked, "Did you paint this painting?"

He responded, "NO, a friend did that for me. I am in a band, and she painted that for me."

I inquired. "Is she a famous artist, and would I have seen that somewhere in a show in this town?"

He said, "No. She gave it to me as a present. Its one of a kind."

Ok. So at this point I am really starting to freak out. I said, "You won't believe this but I had a dream about this exact painting last night. Exactly. Colors lips everything. Then there was a nuclear holocaust." and I laughed.

They both looked at me like I had two heads and said "yea, ok." I dropped it. But you can be damn sure I listened and freaked about helicopters all week.

So in telling you this, I had a dream about my cousin last night. She is pregnant. I have a very strong feeling she is going to have a boy. But its not going to be easy. After that one experience of telling the people I dream about what I have seen, I don't really share these visions I have with them. But rest assured, there is some element of the foresight in me. I wish I could harness that power for good!

Hope I can find a similar soul to share this with, someone else that has the "gift of insight".

Little Wonders

by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder,
Don't you know,
the hardest part is over,
let it in,
Let your clarity define you in the end,
You will only just remember how it feels.
Our lives are made,
in these small hours,
these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.

Let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you,
let it stand,
Till you feel it all around you,
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made,
in these small hours, these little wonders
These twisted turns of fate,
time falls away,
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
All of my regret,
will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.
In these small hours,
these little wonders,
these twisted turns of fate,
All these twisted turns of fate,
these twisted turns of fate
Yeah, times falls away
But these small hours,
these small hours, still remain.
They still remain,
these little wonders,
all these twisted turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these little wonders
Still remain.

Smile, its just me. Its just you. Its just time. Instances don't define forever, they define now. A moment in time. Communicate with me. Forgive me when I don't understand the lack of it and act all crazy and exploding like a volcano. And I will forgive you when you don't accomplish it because you don't have the power, and time to or just wont because you are a little stubborn. And I am a lot.

lets have our little wonders.

Ms. Joan A.

I am tired of not having time to listen to music. Someone sent me a copy of this album. Its really quite good. A long time lover of Joan, I hadn't even heard about this album's release.

check it yourself. and please leave a note of your latest finds. NEED NEW MUSIC!

feed me seymour... (giggles).

The Zoo

Ok. The zoo was a lot more fun than I thought it would be! We found a coworker and her daugther, so we had kids to run with. The food was an interesting experience. And the weather was amazing. We also ran into a pre-school friend of my son's. His best buddy.
They are like peas and carrots... I hope to drive to a play date this weekend. They both were so sad to say goodbye to each other.


Sunday? Day of semi-rest for mommy. We pretty much didn't do anything but wrestle tickle, read books, nap and eat. Oh and watch cartoons of course. I got the pleasure of seeing El Tigre. I laughed my a** off. Not so much that it is overly funny, but Nickelodeon does an amazing job with its dialogs. Actually got into a conversation with some people on Saturday night about this very topic. How the old Fractured Fairly Tales, Rocky and Bullwinkle, etc... Cartoons were written for adults and children could enjoy them too. I didn't argue too much as these were people that don't watch modern day cartoons. But I find that even now, good cartoons have the exact same formula. Just more modern subject matter. Spongebob is a classic. Fairly Oddparents, scary but entertaining. Any way... Needless to say, my aura is very yellow! (my friend says that is the color of childlike mentality. :giggles:)

Hope you all had good weekends. Lets start this day off with a laugh... stoopit Mondays, ruining our weekends. :hurumph:

more cartoons please.

Explanations

I wrote a passage about someone the other night on the website I am always at, RadioParadise (that is a total clue, if you want to stalk me, I live over there). I wrote about someone that was wonderful but not wonderful for me.(Not talking about you smile, although we haven't had much to smile about lately).

A friend sent a message asking me to explain. I don't really know if I am capable. It would involve a lot of dialogue that I would rather do face to face. Guess I am going to have to go and visit him, and his family, and meet up with some other friends so I can have that discussion with him. My kid loves B. and so do I. Good father, good man, good husband. Maybe soon.

This weekend, more chores on Friday night. Zoo on Saturday, Party with friends Saturday night, Sunday, I have committed to going to church. sighs. I am not much for religion, but I grew up in the church, and feel that my son should have that exposure. At least once a month. And, then? BEACH! Or the avocado festival. Have to decide after seeing how the weather is.

happy weekends all you cyberites!

School

Okay. I had to start thinking about where I was going to enroll the boy in school next year. Both my mother and my counselor think that enrolling him in school when he just turned five will be a mistake. Yesterday I toured an Open Alternative School. I think that this OAS school may alleviate that "too young for school" concern. The only reason I toured this school was because a co-worker's two daughters attended the OAS school. Her oldest is already in Jr. High, and is in "talented & gifted" classes.

Much to my joy it is a public school. Its basically a co-op that requires parents to contribute 2 hours a week in helping out with classes, special projects, field trips, or administrative work. I look forward to helping. They employ multi-age groupings which means the kindergarten class has first graders in it, etc. Their lesson plans (concepts) are based on theme and real life experience, so they can integrate this learning into their everyday life. They set aside time everyday for an open forum to discuss problems and successes of the day. How great is that to building self esteem and confidence?

As I sat listening to the director talk about this school, I got kind of teary eyed. Oh how I wish that I had this kind of opportunity in my early years. How much I hated the thought of going to school everyday. And how he wont have to have think that. And how lucky I am to let my son experience this. He is too smart to hold back, but too wild to be in a "classic" school environment. I have found a good place for him.

This move to California has been very, very hard on me, but it was the only way to make a life that he can flourish in. And the residuals aren't too shabby! I get to live and work in one of the most beautiful cities on the planet.

Thank you Universe for kicking my a** out of Texas!

Not that I don't love my Texas friends, I really do... really. I miss them. The California folks aren't Texans. Nope.

Fall in Line

Monday morning, crisp cool weather, not a cloud in the sky. A wonderful weekend. I have the day off on Wednesday, purely an oversite on my part, but going to take it. And do some stuff I need to do. Tour a school I wish my son to attend, color my hair, throw out TONZ of paperwork, donate clothes, clean my carpets... Go to the library.

Bet you think I can't accomplish all that in one day, do you!? I am the original energizer bunny. Its the damn brain o mine, there is no peace in that cavern. And I don't lament that one little bit. I just need to find some set paths to utilize it to its full potential.

Wow, its only Monday. You guys tired yet? Me? Just the beginning of another step towards destiny. Time to get things in line for greatness.

Hi HO!!!! :whistles:

Remaining Positive

The most reflective part of my day is while driving. Its the time of day when I have time to focus on whats up with me. Despite all the other people on the road, driving is a meditative process for me. Left, Right, stop, go, fairly simple. I actually can reflect and hear myself thinking. So this morning during driving meditation time, I was sparked with an awareness of my negativity. Yea. Its annoying.

I found myself saying things that were negative and oppressive. You are late, because you can't ever be on time, you are lazy, etc. I caught it. Realized it was happening. This is a rare occurrence when I actually stop beating me up. I felt so proud of myself at that moment. Then, I thought, look at how you treat yourself. Why would you expect anyone else to treat you better? Start looking at the things that are good about you. Begin with canceling out this "negative about self" speech.

Now granted, I am imperfect, being human and all. There are times when I am going to flub and falter, and royally muck up the muckity muck. But beating myself up about it is a waste of energy. And its non-productive. Acknowledge and move on. And love thyself without being a martyr. mantra established.

Speaking of the monkey on my back, I have to find a monkey suit (somebody wants to be curious george for halloween). awesome right?

;-)

happy weekends my friends.

Feelin Crappy

Ok, I am sad, not miserably so, but, I am running a slight fever and feel like my nose is full of mud. So I decided not to spread my germs at class tonight. I haven't been sleeping so well, I hope that with a little nyquil, I can make up for that tonight.

see you all tomorrow. :snore:

Mayor of the Munchkin City...

Cute huh? that is what I first thought of. thanks for the reminder hairy!



Yea. little devil in the bathtub got horns. On another note, I bought the book by Super Nanny. Time to brush up on my parenting skills. (as if i had any to begin with). I wrote a blog all about it on my memsahib visions blog, as blogger, well, was hiccuping all morning.

A GOOD CONVERSATION:

My last thought of today is, how nice it felt to call a friend that is TRULY down and out. He informed me that he had gotten more bad news. I was calling him to give him some good news.

He said, "I am in the park. I had to get outside, because I got two pieces of bad news."

I said, "Then you are in luck, because here is some good news! Now lay back in the sun, soak up the warmth, and smile. And make a list!"

You could hear his smile for the people that are showing they care. Its not just me, there are some really great people out there helping. I was the lucky one that got to hear the gratitude in his voice. Love does wonders for the soul, truly.

Thanks for that gift universe. I hope that this brings abundance to him and the people involved in more than one way.

namaste.

Toothpaste for Dinner

I have seen them before. I was lamenting the fact I didn't get to sleep until 3AM. And while looking for an image I came across a couple that I wanted to share.

anyway, I am too d*mn tired to type today. I will be lucky not to fall into a coma on the commute home.

this one kind of scared me. :eek:



see you tomorrow. :yawn:

Kartwheels!

are you diggin my mad kartwheelin' skillz? yea. I did that. isn't the kid a hoot? trying to understand the physics? awesome. :cool:

happy monday everyone. hope you had wonderful weekends.

Critique

So, I had drawing class last night. My second class. For some really odd reason, I didn't feel like going. Now I know that was all mental, so decided to stop and get a brew on the way to class. I arrived early, got a parking space right in front of the door, opened my beer, turned on Patty G and enjoyed a few minutes of guilty pleasures. Taking some deep breathes, singing, and calming myself down.

One of the reasons I think I was so reluctant, it was the first night I was going to have to put up my work for critique. Now, I am not the worst artist in the class, so that makes me feel pretty good! I could be the second or third to worst, I can live with that. I am there to learn, and experience. Absorb the abilities of the others in the room. And make new artist friends. ha!

So doing much better last night with the quick sketches. Its interesting that no matter what you are doing creatively, you still have boundaries that make you feel more comfortable. The first night, i did sketches on LARGE pieces of paper. I didn't have time to fill up that space, and was beating myself up trying to do that. Getting lost. So last night, I cut up smaller squares, and could actually fill up the space with most of the figure and not waste time. I am glad I found that one out.

Then, on to the longer poses. I have a hard time actually seeing what is in front of me. I tend to exaggerate or minimize things. And proportion? Anyone that has taken a drawing class understands the proportion, and foreshortening, etc, difficulties. Practice. I need more practice. I got three fairly good drawings. And the teacher actually complimented me while I was drawing. YIKES!

Critique time, I select one. One that I liked... and my new friend Joan liked too. I put it up on the board. It was one of the last images to be critiqued. The two words that came out of his mouth that encouraged me, was surreal, and good line quality. In my opinion it was kind of ghostlike and unfinished. One step at a time. Soon I will be drawing all over the walls, and stuff!

OK. I am drawing. Its getting better. And I am not the worst one in the class. YES!!!!

I am really a fairly simple girl... or should I say woman? no matter. The little things really do make me happy.

I need a roll in the hay.

Yes. There. I said it. No going back. Fall always makes me want to cuddle up on the couch, in bed, under a blanket at the football games. Wanting to hibernate with a loved one. Fall makes me think of snuggling.

Oh well... Somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere waiting for me... :whistle:

_______________

totally unrelated thought. I think ani defranco has awesome lyrics... but I can't stand her music and lyrics together. it makes me want to break things... like my earphones or plates or anything. sorry ani, you are grating and irritating. I keep giving you a shot, but cest la vie. we are not meant to be.

there. cleansed.

Avast me Hearties

Today is...

International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
In keepin with the theme, here are some pick up lines to use when you go out drinkin with yer mateys... ARGG!!!

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

For the Guys...

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2. RAMMING SPEED!

1. You. Pants Off. Now!


I think number 8 on the ladies list is my favorite. And I like number one on the mens list. :giggles:

yo ho ho let's share a bottle of Rum! :arggggg:

and if that wasn't enough, here is my pirate name.

My pirate name is:

Mad Jenny Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Money Meditation

The other day there was a brief quiet moment in my apartment. No child noises, no TV noises, no outside noises... I was sitting staring out the window thinking about how I need some financial assistance with this life I am trampling through. A voice in my head, just laid out this thought for me. It said, there are enough oranges on the tree to feed everyone. No more, no less. I kind of freaked out for a minute. Then I realized it was just a peaceful voice, reassuring me. I have no idea where it came from. Hadn't heard it before. The message made so much sense to me at that moment, my mind stopped thinking about it.

I realized that my concerns about money were just concerns. I also realized that I should be grateful for what I do have. And I am. So... stop looking at the tree and see the oranges. yep.

"gotta do that HI. Ed's got her hands full here with this little angel." :wink:

Nittin Swahney

Now what rock have I been hiding under for the last few years, I haven't been able to enjoy this man's music? Send me some if you have any favorites. THANKS!


edit: I just purchased Philtre through ITunes, because I love that song Mausam. I have no idea what she is saying, but I LOVE it. Give it a listen...

Contemplation

I was thinking about something the other day. Thinking about a friend of mine, well, someone that used to be my friend. Thinking about some of the things he said to me. And the ambiguity of it all. what was reality in comparison to what was being said. I realized that we all do this. We tell ourselves lies to get past things we don't want to see in ourselves. And the people that are truly the most secure with themselves find no need to lie. Flaws are human. I accept them. But I also use them as an excuse to be selfish and self centered. Sh*t. I hate growing up. It takes all the fun out of being irresponsible, and negligent to the feelings of others.

I have come up with three or four big lies I tell myself. But not sure that I should talk about them here. One is that I am a loving person. I am not so sure about that one. I know I am capable of love. I know that I can love selflessly, but I do have a side of me that expects the kind of love in return that I give. And maybe its not a lie that I am a loving person. I think its a lie for me to believe that I am as lovable as I see myself.

So I ask you. How honest with yourself are you? I must plant a tree and watch it grow. And honesty is the best fertilizer. Its on my list to create that platform for myself. And when I can't be honest, because it will damage someone? I will find a way to not lie to them.

man. too deep for a monday morning eh? well, i did this on sunday night. ;-)

Final Beach Day

I fear this is the last weekend of good beach weather. I love hanging on the beach all day, under the umbrella, playing in the water, relaxing in the sun. getting tan.

sighs. enjoy your peace.

namaste

Go Figure

So I decided to take a figure drawing class instead. I really need the practice in sketching and perspective. I was amazed at how quickly that all comes back.

I suck at gestures, but give me a fifteen-twenty minute pose, I do much better!!!

Onward. Watercolors next time around. If I don't get addicted to figure drawing.

more to come.

Class

You may have seen that painting I put up the other day. A good friend of mine has offered to watch my son one night a week so that I can go to a painting class.

Hallelujah! I have been missing painting for so long now, I can't believe that this opportunity is going to happen for me! I have her to thank. I hope I can find something to help her with someday.

OK. so, which class to choose? I am thinking watercolors. But I will keep you informed as to which I choose to conquer. Its time to start living my passion for art.

and while you wait, here is a SB sunset pic I took last night... enjoy.

Namaste.

Liz Meme

Another Meme from the Lizbet. This is it for a while people. No more taggin. K? K.

1. Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?
I like both. I do like old Black and White movies, just don't see them as much anymore.

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
Wow. More than one, but right now? Politics. What a waste of time.

3. MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music? MP3's, and CD's

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
For one second I would say Hell Yea. But I have a son, and he needs me. And he needs his family.

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
Ignorance and Prejudice. It makes war possible, it keeps people that are in danger, in danger, it takes food out of the mouths of the hungry, etc. I see these as the biggest issues of mankind.

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
I wish I knew. I have no concrete advice on how to rid the world of them. Communication and information dissemination is at a peak, but journalism is still involved with greed and prejudice. How do you end it?

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be? I would have slept with that sculpture artist in college. Yep. And I would have pursued my musical/artistic talents as a career more.

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be? Would have saved Jesus from the cross, made him keep on going. Imagine where religion would be today if it wasn't based on martyrism (is that a word?).

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry” which do you choose? The opera. I love the opera.

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve? Jack the Ripper.

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal? Interesting. So many choices. I think Mark Twain (or Will Rogers). I love to have lighthearted warm and comical conversations at dinner. Blackened catfish, dirty rice, spinach and egg salad with bacon dressing, Bourbon and cigars. For dessert? pecan pie.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky - what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact? Wait this is hell, because I can't do anything immoral without being punished. (and even people with great hearts and pure souls, get punished). So what is the question again? Oh. I just don't have immorality in me. Although, sleeping with Johnny Depp, who is a married man.. (wink to the I.C.) would be considered immoral. Like he would have me. HA.

13. If you could be anywhere in the world as you are answering this, where would that be?

In bed. In a hotel in Florence. and not alone. with room service. and fluffy robes. and painted toes... (sounds like a song).

I did this because Liz asked me to. If you heathens wanna try it, feel free! I saw it as an easy out for a Monday blog, seeing as I am in a total funk this month so far. Enjoy.

Smiles Ahoy.

Okay, this really sucks. but I am publishing it anyway.
_________________________

I'm tortured and troubled
I'm living in a bubble,
I am waiting in the blue
& your smile to pull me through.

gone on a ship to another shore
you left me standing at the door
there are waves washing the moment
away to another time from here.

I picked my battle to save myself
I wonder if you care?
have you taken a minute to think
about how you would feel standing here?

one day I was the world,
the oyster that you opened
to find a pearl inside, but now
replaced with a new grain of sand.

i have been closed back in there
dimming one by one the times we shared
my smile came easy when I said your name
and now I shiver by the dying flame.

call me dramatic or poor of sight
but I don't see a way to let go
of something that demands my right
to have a heart that sings my name

out loud in the sun and in the rain
unafraid of resonance, or reverberation
a place for my eyes to rest and relive
the youthful days love reminds us of.

I won't easily forget the day
or the nights that have passed
but i have to keep my hands inside
the ring for now. making a new painting.

smile for me, i don't know
how else to make it right
you have left this to me to carry
so carry it I will now breathing heavy.

A Selection

Just a few quick blurbs for today. Have to get them out of my head, and down on the virtual journal.

Meno posted about an exchange student. And mentioned a japanese schoolgirl mullet. Is this what it looks like?




Someone has hijacked my old Photoblog... How the frack is that possible?

If you want to access the new one, its here.

Does anyone know how to delete blogs? hm....

*

Poor Slacker keeps asking me to direct people to his blog. I am a bigger slacker than he I am guessing. Here you go buddy. I am informing my few constituents to stray over to your international exploits!

*

I am considering taking up some form of writing, but not sure which direction to turn. What are your thoughts here readers? Do you have any opinions about my writing style? Now is your time to make them known, good or bad.

*

Do you ever wonder why things happen, and in a series of unrelated events, all those unrelated happenings, all pieces end up fitting together? I always find that completely intriguing. Happened recently.

*

I am always excited when I hear from friends that I haven't in a long time. Its good to know someone still remembers you fondly. Exceptions? the kids in High School. I was living at home for a brief time, not to long ago, and ran into a few people that I knew in High School. I couldn't remember anything about them, including thier names. That sucked. Guess I have been living a pretty full life outside that arena. And only a few were really memorable.

*

OK. thats it. Done with the mundane boredom of it. Had to write, and it is written. Is it FRIDAY yet? sighs.

Das Interviewing

Some time ago, Ali did an interview blog. I offered myself up as bait. She finally took to it. So the following is a list of questions she posted to me. The rules for completing this meme follow my responses. Lets Begin!!!!


1) You moved from Texas to California a couple of years ago. Are you settled and at home?

I am not sure I am ever going to be the kind of person that is settled. I have moved many different places in the last ten years. I still have belongings in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Ft. Myers. I did find myself saying to a good friend the other day though, I feel like I have finally found a home. I don't know exactly how I am going to make it out here, as it is costly. I have some ideas in mind, and in the process of accomplishing those, I get to go to the beach, hang out with some really cool peeps, enjoy a fairly stress free job, and have a really great "tan".

2) Freelance work or 9-5 for The Man?

Being a single mom, I am 9-5 for the Man. The benefits are all that matter for the time being. Plus my job now, is really great, fairly stress free and the people are the best. They treat their employees better than any company I have ever worked for. And I have had myself some good jobs, Neiman Marcus, Ernst & Young, etc. I am going to ride this wave as long as it lasts. Until I start my own "vision" of what my ultimate creative job is. Next year starts that transformation.

3) What is your favorite thing about living where you do?

There are so many wonderful things about this magical spot. But, being a Pisces, with other water signs in my chart, I have to say its the beach. The ocean calls me out of myself. And if you have ever been to Santa Barbara CA, you would feel the richness of this area for yourself. Its an interesting place to breath. And living in a resort town, despite the costs, is kind of relaxing. Most everyone here is really laid back. Now to find my niche in obtaining some of that "tourist" cash flow. :wink:

4) How do you like your "new" D40?

That when it is in my hand, it feels like its a part of me. It fits there so nicely. I happen to believe that Nikon makes the best cameras. I love my camera. LOVE it. Its my escape sometimes. I can tell when I am depressed, because those are the days I don't feel like taking pictures.

As an artist, I create pictures and stories in my head. From the time I was a little girl, I have had some very intense and amazing dreams. And seeing as I don't have time to paint them right now, I am capturing future paintings. I find that photography is the most communicative way for now that I can transfer my visions so that others can understand them. It conveys the beauty, and aspects of life that I observe. No pretense or implications. I just look and snap.

5) If you could have lunch with ANYONE, who would it be?

Sighs. There is a LIST!

Athlete: Babe Didrikson

Actor: Johnny Depp (at the nude beach, with a blanket, an umbrella, some wine, cheese, sunscreen and a guitar.)

musician: Patty Griffin and John Lennon

Historical figure: A philosopher. Confucius

Artist: Rene Magritte and Van Gogh

Religious figure: God. the big entity. I have quite a few questions. :wink:

But, the most feasible of these? In this moment, with no doubts, I have a good friend that lives in Arizona, that I haven't met. I want to be in the same space as this person for just a few minutes. Well, an entire day would be best. :giggles:

___________________________________________________________________

Okay dear readers, here is your opportunity to expose yourself to my queries.

Interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Are you ready? Game? I hope so. I would really enjoy asking you the questions. Enjoy!

Preschool.

Summer is officially over. Fall is approaching. All visting company has finished for the time being. Hallelujah. I love you sis, thanks for the great weekend!

With that out of the way, today is a landmark day. Today is the first day of junior/mini-me's preschool adventure. He said to me this morning, we are NOT going back to (previous daycare provider's) house. And almost started crying.

I reassured him he was not. He was going to start at the preschool. Then he turned into an energizer/leaping bunny! I will remind him of this day on his first day of school, his senior year. HA!~ (and maybe every year, just so we have some "tradition").

Happy Work Week not actually Monday but Tuesday. :whistle: (that doesn't even make sense to me.)

Comment Moderation

Seems I have picked up a scab from another persons blog. A pathetic meddler, who has nothing better to do than to harass others. Unfortunately for my readers, that means I am choosing to moderate my comments, so that you don't have to read the barf he is depositing here.

I appreciate your understanding, and if you want to see who he is, I left one of his comments on the "Daughters" post.

Thanks. Ease on down, Ease on down the road... :whistle:

Daughters

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same shes been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now shes left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong and
Boys soldier on
But boys would be gone
without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do,
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

John Mayer ~ Daughters
____________________________________________

I remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. I don't really remember where I was, but I remember thinking, wow. I had a father that was not home much at all, and so I barely got to know him as a man while growing up. I learned a little after completing my interview with him last weekend. Why do most men find it so difficult to be forthcoming about themselves? Is it something that shows weakness being human? Is it just something they have no reason to regurgitate? I understand there are differences between the sexes. I guess I grew up thinking that we were more alike than we are because I didn't have a complete exposure. who knows. And I am silly to assume that men can understand women either! :giggles:

That being said, I am sorry to 3 men that I have hurt (regarding my personal intimate relationships) for my inability to see you for what you were, and respect that. And not beat you up because you are who you are. I have no excuses only a realization that I could probably have done things differently, for myself, and for the sustaining of our "time" together in a more peaceable fashion. Water under the bridge. I still love each of you, but its done. You have moved on with life, as have I.

Now, I am in the process of molding a little man. YIKES! i am roflol, like that is going to happen. Its more like, show him what is acceptable and what isn't, punish accordingly, and give him tons and tons of love. right? RIGHT? geez.

men are different. i love them with all my being, but, very very different.

The Stupid Grin

You know when you get that stupid grin on your face for no reason? The one that says you are just so happy and you can't stop smiling? One of those plopped on my face last night. And now, I can't seem to remove it. Because, why would I?

I love the days when you have that dopey high school kid sorta smile on your face. All is well. One of my worries was relieved last night.

Its a good thing I have a great smile. Its going to be making an appearance all day today.

High Drama

Its sad to know (have to deal with the fact) that you come from an upbringing of High Drama. I have worked on removing my reactions regarding this environmental education, but seriously, its not that easy. In some ways that is a bonus to my artistic side. I see things in huge color and drama. But when it comes to dealing with men ie: any relationship, its not so good.

But I am getting better. Until then, I will be the last one chosen to play on someone's team, because I can't remain unaffected. I just can't. But I can stop making a wave pool out of reflective peaceful water. That I must try to accomplish. PRONTO!

A mother passes

I am happy to know I am the kind of person people feel like they can lean on when they need some strength. A good friend of mine called me this morning weeping. Deep long screeches, and moans. I knew what was happening before she told me. Then she said, "momma is gone". I cried. I knew her mother. Once a beautiful, sexy woman, intelligent, sassy, and wise. I also knew after being around her for a brief period, it was only a matter of time. Her diet was so so, she smoked like a chimney, and drank a lot of caffeine.

I sat with my friend, on the phone as long as I could, until she had to go. All I could think of was I wanted to be there just to hold her hand for a couple of days. And make sure that she was eating, and sleeping. And getting dressed, and getting out of bed, and take her mind off things for a minute or two. Take her for a long walk on the beach and ask her questions about her mom. Help her remember, help her forget. I am sad that I don't have the ability to go and be with her.

I feel like I do have a few good friends, she is one of them. Most of the time I feel painfully alone. My friend Wilene would tell me that I am picking the people in my life for a reason. That I am feeling alone, because I pick people that can't commit to being my friend. She maybe partially correct in saying that.

There are a few friends that can't be there for me. Some that are only there when they need something. Others that would be there for me whenever I needed them, night or day. But the one person who wants to wash away my tears at the end of the day is missing. I don't know that I have ever found that in any of my relationships. But in the end we all go out alone.

I hope my friend C. finds someone to help her heal her pain in these coming weeks. Despite this woman's demeanor or character flaws, she has lost her mother. And she deserves the shoulder and a strong friend to remind her what she has gained from her mother, despite her passing.

RIP Bernadette. I hope you have found peace.

Butterflies

A day spent at the Natural History Museum was a relaxing day. I took a lot of pictures. This one was my favorite.

I am worried about a friend. I hope all is well.

So Long, not Goodbye

Last night as I watched a man play guitar I realized something. No matter what I say to myself I still love that silly man I almost married. He was a ying to my yang. I will never be with him again, but I do love him. For all he was and was not.

Someone came into my life recently and showed me what love could be like. I have to let go of the "idea" of what love could be. There is no lilypad in the love pond for me right now. I must be the caterpillar, and the butterfly.

Dear Donald, I hope you are doing well friend. I will always think of you. We were one, and now we aren't. cest la vie. Life is a river that flows on and onward to the next tide pool.

Now for some lyrics. I love this song.

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

Thanks for the lyrics, Bryan A.

Its Saturday

My toes are painted red.
My sunscreen is packed in my bag.
Today I am going to tan
then tonight going to see this band.

I hope that all of you have spectacular Saturdays.

no smile, yet. that just bites. sighs.

What makes a smile...

Why do I retain such an idealistic vision of the world? I put up a picture I just painted as a reminder that there is so much more to me than what I don't have.

Today I am sad. I am trying to let go of something. Something I want so very very much, but have to set it aside until things change. And I am working on building something back up. A trust that has been lacking for so long, I am not even sure I can get it back. One day at a time. I am breathing, being in the now and making choices for my higher good.

And smile? I don't know what else to say. I miss you. did i mention that i miss you? sighs...

May all your weekends be bright and colorful. Mine sure is going to be. I plan on keeping busy!!! Have to find a smile again! ;-)

Suggested Investigation

My lady of the couch suggested to me that I do an interview with my father about his life. She says, you will come up with some wonderful information about him, and it may help you solve some of your relationship issues.

I took this suggestion, created an outline, and am going to do a video interview. Then convert it to DVD to save for posterity. Basically its going to be a great documentary for my son to know his paw paw (that is what he calls grandad).

Wish me luck. I am going to take a box of kleenex. I love my dad.

Vacation

So my good friend is taking his second vacation to Hawaii this year. I am so happy that he is getting a break from his work. He way overdoes it.

Be safe friend. And take LOTs of pictures. send email. :hug: :hug: :kiss:

I am sick of me

Could I be more freaking self absorbed? I doubt it. I need to do some volunteer work or something. Get me out of my HEAD!

Who can I be besides me today? Suggestions? I feel like playing a character.

Disrespect.

I have pondered and pondered the issue of respect. I am closing the door on a decade of a downward spiraling in regards to self respect. You may have noticed I am working on retrieving some of that lost power. I have reawakened to the fact I am occasionally disrespectful to my friends. This is not the stuff warriors are made of and thankfully my true friends can tolerate my shortcomings.

I have yet to get a full grasp of the respect level with my son. I am very weary thinking about ALL the things that have to be done on a daily basis. And he knows what to do to upset me. Man talk about dynamics of a relationship full out. Become a parent. Social studies 101. All you never thought you needed to know, but are in the fire with the pot in your hand getting an education. This situation will change daily, and learning that I am the sovereign power, and not to be afraid of that, is a HUGE challenge for me. HUGE.

Anyway, so it leads me to thinking about how others are speaking and relating to me. What are my expectations? What do I want from my friendships? Am I portraying myself as I wish to be seen? Or do I even want to be seen? Most days I feel like swimming around people and just observing. Playing the part of a coy mermaid. Harnessing the power of making someone smile, then moving on down the stream. Leaving it behind.

I met someone last year that brought with him a lot of praise, confidence and equality. Feels nice be simpatico with someone again. He opened my eyes to something I thought did not exist. And I felt joyous each time we spoke. We are losing this connection somehow. I see transition as extremely normal but totally irritating at times.

I met someone else recently that makes no forthright statements or conversations unless probed with a stick. How does that make me feel? Like I am an ambiguous burden in his life. I don't have to make conversation, I choose to. He doesn't so much. Opportunity lost really pisses me off. But you can't make people play along. They have to go at their own pace. I am learning to respect his boundaries.

From watching myself interact and hearing a few things these two people have said to me and about me, I made a short list...

• I am way too anxious to set things up the way I THINK they should be. I need to take more stock of what IS.

• I can no longer waste my time trying to engage people in conversation that have little to no interest in me as a human. Their loss.

• I make condescending remarks. Others don't find them so funny. I am going to watch my language more closely. Maybe a point to remember here is the same things I relate to others, most likely could be related to me.

• My life is a bit boring. Possibly, people don't like talking to me because my life is not really filled with a grand amount of adventure or forward movement. This is my time for reflection and I have to remember not to beat myself up while I am healing.

• I am not as stupid as I come across. Do NOT underestimate me because of my lack of vocabulary. Artists tend to use pictures instead of words. Try to remember and assimilate. As we artists have to assimilate to you word junkies.

Now, back to the day at hand. I am a mother. And in order to get some respect in my house, I must have it for myself. Work work work. DAMMIT! my brain is starting to cry vacation. FAT CHANCE!!!!

Ok soul card number was 94. I am going to stick with that for a couple of weeks. It looks like something is growing. Something I need to grow from inside me. Respect.

Moan-day...

I am in a funk. The once a month funk. I normally am quite fine with this situation as in no massive mood swings, or off the charts outbursts. Today, I am feeling a bit burdened, nothing serious. Stupid woman stuff. I wish we had paid mental health days. I could use a day to myself, with a box of acrylics and a HUGE HUGE canvas to spill out the emotions in my head. Splatter the conditions of my feelings across a cloth, and see what the reactions are. Its so freeing, meditative, and cathartic. The more I do it the better I feel. But like anything else, you have to get started. Staring at a blank canvas can be daunting. Someday, I am going to have a studio. Its a prayer I have had for a while.

A wise friend said to me today, "I think you believe the world should be on your timetable and that people should have your priorities." Upstart. (giggles) Of course I do. After all, this is my universe isn't it?

I have to remember the phrase, one step at a time, with an addendum of, don't push. I know that everything happens in it's time and for a reason. I forget that sometimes in the moment to moment space. Getting better... its getting better.

Thanks friend, thanks talent and thanks universe. Without these elements life would suck.

edit: does anyone have some dark dark chocolate? anyone? its a solution. i swear by it. just ask my sister.

happy birthday

HBDTY baby boy! four years old... wow. Time really is going by so quickly. This picture is from the trip we made to the water-park yesterday. He must have seen some of the teenage boys doing this! It made me laugh.

Fun times were had, for sure. A more detailed post after the next day or so. :cheers:

Red Ranger

On a happier note, I am off to find some Power Rangers toys. The boys B-day is tomorrow, and I know that he loves the Power Rangers. They have Power Rangers SPD, mystic force, next generation, etc. He talks about the red one, and that is all I know about that. :cool:

happy hump day fellow bloggers.

an edit:

just so you all know. I have not contacted his father to seek any financial help, nor any of his family since the baby was a little over a year. And they haven't contacted me. its going to be interesting.

The Question I Dread...

So... the father of my little angel is not in the picture. He had an opportunity, and he dismissed it. As he has dismissed me. I hope that he is doing well somewhere. I have no serious resentment towards him (believe me I worked long and hard to be able to be truthful in saying that statement). He doesn't deserve the love of the mini me.

With that being said, my son is really starting to become a little person that can communicate, and understand. There is more discipline required now as he establishes his independence. I am actually very poor in at disciplinary action. I was hoping I could be stern and rigid without reaction. Most times I can, but sometimes, working alone, its an impossibility. And I can not beat myself up for my shortcomings. This path is one I have chosen, and I will remain strong to the cause.

Okay, now for the gristle. I was having to punish the little man, and he said to me, I am going to call my daddy. He is my friend. And he will be nice to me. Major league sigh. If he only knew. I had to totally regroup, because at this point in our relationship, he has not mentioned daddy.

I said, "Where is your daddy?

He said, "I don't know. Do you know where daddy is?"

I said, "I don't know where he is." That is the truth. Then I quickly changed the subject to discussing why Daddy was his friend and I wasn't. What Daddy would do that I couldn't do.

This is so difficult. But dammit! I am doing a good job, and I know this has to be hard on the little man to have that void. Soon he will be in school, and people will be asking him the same question he asked me. Where is your daddy? I have tried not to dwell too much on my reaction or answer to this question. The truth is best, but how do you tell a child that a man who will not take responsibility for his child, is someone that is loving, and good, but can't be here right now. That is just a lie. He refuses to be here. And I am fine with that.

I guess this is rough for a Monday huh? I am going to take each moment as it comes and deliver the goods upon request. With a smile, and some positive twist so he doesn't have a lifetime of self doubt. So that he knows he deserves to be loved by those that will and do love him.

I don't know why I had to be the damn character actress in this lifetime, but there it is. *Awaits Lifetime TV to call regarding the screenplay about her life*

working title: One Step Leads the Way

Mid Level Zombie

Sighs... I have been sleeping. And for those of you who have insomnia, you can appreciate that statement. Unfortunately, I have to take two different medications to get to that point. Seems that I have a mid-stage level of depression, and it is affecting a portion of my life. I can no longer "live" with the symptoms of depression, and must medicate. I have a son that needs my love and attention, not a zombie mom.

I went to see Dr. K. after having the counseling sessions for a month or so, to get on a daytime anti-D, lexapro. I hate anti-D's. I am nauseous, fatigued, my saliva glands are acting super crazy, and I get a bit of a jittery feeling. But, blessed be, I am SLEEPING!!! sighs. It has been 4 years since I have slept more than 5 hours in a row.. Most of the time I only have four hours of sleep. Last two nights? 6-7 before I woke up. Then went right back to sleep. SWEEEET relief.

I hate, hate, hate, and did I mention HATE medication. But today? I feel clear headed. No more zombie screams in my head. No more anxious moments in the middle of the night. My emotions have shifted to a more mid range level, but there is so much more to getting that back on track. I hope that this helps me get more into a daily routine of finding my way back to the creative me I deserve and need to be.

I am learning to not take this day to day life so seriously. Living in the moment is so VERY difficult for me. Perseverance is even more difficult, but life demands that I put on that body armor for now. Creating art, working out, and raising a child are my three agendas. And the anti-D's are helping me get this mind in a normal spot so I can focus on that sweet kid of mine. And the most important aspect, my mental health. Without that, this cruise is more like Gilligan's Island 3 hour tour, than a luxury schooner cruising these waters of life.

Wish me luck!

Looks for the life boat, just in case the ship really does sink.. :wink:

Tagged

Ok Songbird, I got your tag. And I have done the entry. I am supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't know how many of them will actually try this. If you care to, do it, and let me know.

1. Link about family: you know this blog is all about me. But here is a list of things I am thankful for, and my family is on there.

2. Link about friends: This is an entry about the on a website that I love (radioparadise.com). look for it here. I think that I should write a new entry about the friends I am making here.

3. Link about me: oh there are soooo many. but this one will give you the real down dirty of the most recent misadventures of an ADD mom.

4. Link about something I love: I love to dream. Happens quite a bit for me. So, if you don't read my dream blog, then read about this dream or this dream and one more.

5. Link about anything I want: ooo this one was an old entry when I was living in Texas and it always makes me laugh. because I can.

Stooopit Brain

You wake up in the middle of the night and off it goes... blabitty blabitty blab... This is this way, that is that way. shheeez. I sure need to figure out a way to stay in the moment. And get some sleep.

On to the next one. its Wednesday already? sighs.