I have been thinking on this topic for a couple of weeks now. Life is a strange ocean we surf everyday. Always bringing us the tests we are meant to accomplish and move past. Seeing as I am in recovery, I am required/excited to be honest with all my actions/speech. It has got me noticing when people aren't being honest. I find it intriguing/frustrating that people underestimate those they do not know. They say little lies to themselves and others to not have to "hassle" with the truth. How does that serve anyone's best interests? Rather to not say anything than to make stuff up.
I love life. I love everything about it. I am grateful to be aware again. My son is grateful I am aware too.
hug your loved ones!!!
Wednesday, March 23
Friday, March 18
Creativity
When I first started writing poetry, I thought that I could only do it when I was drinking in a bar, like the "greats". Drunk and dazzlingly intellectual. That only works for a brief bit of time during the process of consuming alcohol. Most of the time I ended up having in-depth discussions with other saturated semi-philosophers. I ended up writing many journals during that time frame. Alas, all those books of my poetry and writings were lost forever when I moved from Florida back to Texas. My portfolio, my journals, my history, my sketches, etc. That is the only thing I have ever lamented losing in my life. My history was in those journals. My unpublished poetry, thoughts of all the wreckage I survived during those 15 years of my life. I will never see them again. I get sick to my stomach thinking of it.
I am working on a new phase in my life right now, and it will be a new sort of creativity. I cherish the opportunity and am grateful that I wasn't lost during all the trials I have set forth for myself and hurdled over. I learned a lesson that I will be teaching my son. Always journal, and keep them in a safe place so you can access them in the future. Don't lose that part of your past. All else is material, and although those things can be valuable and worthy, it is our memories that are of true value. These images of our lives give us balance, support and a sense of self. When we get older and our minds become more feeble, they are the reminders of our physical paths and how we developed into the characters we are.
This week I am relearning the lesson, be here, now, for that is all you truly have. I have let go of those journals for a reason. They may be teaching someone else right now, or in a land fill rotting away, who knows. Maybe the words will fill the air and travel to somewhere, or I hope they do. I always hope. Despite all that has happened and even if things "appear" to be hopeless, I still hold onto it. I just don't always surface above the waterline to proclaim hope as a savior.
So what is all this about? Creativity. Time to get back to pure creativity. I have always had it. I have denied its existence lately for I was refusing/misusing it. I am free now to reunite with its claim on me. Let it flow dear girl. Its your recovery tool.
I am working on a new phase in my life right now, and it will be a new sort of creativity. I cherish the opportunity and am grateful that I wasn't lost during all the trials I have set forth for myself and hurdled over. I learned a lesson that I will be teaching my son. Always journal, and keep them in a safe place so you can access them in the future. Don't lose that part of your past. All else is material, and although those things can be valuable and worthy, it is our memories that are of true value. These images of our lives give us balance, support and a sense of self. When we get older and our minds become more feeble, they are the reminders of our physical paths and how we developed into the characters we are.
This week I am relearning the lesson, be here, now, for that is all you truly have. I have let go of those journals for a reason. They may be teaching someone else right now, or in a land fill rotting away, who knows. Maybe the words will fill the air and travel to somewhere, or I hope they do. I always hope. Despite all that has happened and even if things "appear" to be hopeless, I still hold onto it. I just don't always surface above the waterline to proclaim hope as a savior.
So what is all this about? Creativity. Time to get back to pure creativity. I have always had it. I have denied its existence lately for I was refusing/misusing it. I am free now to reunite with its claim on me. Let it flow dear girl. Its your recovery tool.
Friday, March 11
Sometimes Things Become Crystal Clear
Someone that I love dearly, came over today and brought me some chili. And with all that is going on with me, all he could talk about were his drama's. Remember people never change, I mean unless its absolutely necessary and they choose to re-rail their destinies.
yea. I did the right thing. Still love the guy, but hell... *giggle*
yea. I did the right thing. Still love the guy, but hell... *giggle*
Wednesday, March 9
Sunday, March 6
Friday, March 4
i can't say it better than this
When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone
when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...
when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
i miss being in love. nothing like it.
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone
when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...
when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
i miss being in love. nothing like it.
i can't say it better than this
When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone
when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...
when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone
when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...
when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone
Thursday, March 3
back to you
today, I grew up. i realized i can love someone with all my heart, and not lose anything. i only have one more week to be a kid. LOL
Wednesday, March 2
Comedian
So, the other day, I heard a comedian talking about his wife and his kids. He was debating with his wife about what they did that day. She was pregnant at the time. He says, i came home the house was dirty, i asked her what she did all day. She responds, I made a LUNG. and a kidney and an eye... etc.
i have learned today that i can respect myself for creating an AWESOME human being!! ty melanie for making an austin. its a gift to yourself. he will be a mighty force.
i have learned today that i can respect myself for creating an AWESOME human being!! ty melanie for making an austin. its a gift to yourself. he will be a mighty force.
Monday, February 28
Fund Raiser - Please Help
Ok everyone. My son's school (The Open Alternative School) is having a Fund Raiser and I need donations. Anything you can spare would be nice. I also have tickets for sale for kids and adults.
Please contact me if there is anything you can think of to donate. Thanks for your assistance.
Please contact me if there is anything you can think of to donate. Thanks for your assistance.
Sunday, February 27
today
someone reminded me i am only worth as much as i let myself be. i love all of you. Its a promise. When i open myself to others, and allow vulnerability, i suffer. I won't change it. and i wont let you take advantage of me.
I will miss you dear one. i do love you, but i wont suffer your limitations or your disregard of me.
I will miss you dear one. i do love you, but i wont suffer your limitations or your disregard of me.
Friday, February 25
it has to be me
Talking to a friend today, or someone I thought was my friend, and I confessed something. He set me straight on the fact its my responsibility. He also reminded me, never take less than what you deserve (in his way). We can all eat garbage if we have to, but no body wants to. The people who dig through it to find their treasure, that's not their ultimate desire. I hope anyway.
The thing that intrigues me mostly is when I see one of my beloved friends digging through the trash, I desire to stop them. I wish I had more friends like me. I am not great, I am just THERE. Just there with a tool belt of wisdom, insight and love.
The thing that intrigues me mostly is when I see one of my beloved friends digging through the trash, I desire to stop them. I wish I had more friends like me. I am not great, I am just THERE. Just there with a tool belt of wisdom, insight and love.
art
I walked into a gallery today and saw a painting today that looked exactly like a painting that is hanging in my friends apartment in NY that I painted. The artist was a "famous" abstract artist from the 60's- 70's. The gallery "informant" said, the artist was a major influence in the abstract art movement. Wheels are turning. I had to stop and examine his work The painting that i was drawn to was almost an EXACT painting i did in 1980 or so. What is my next move? Am I capable of inspiring?
yes. find the path. and keep smiling dear melanie. people love your smile. don't sell it for less than its worth.
yes. find the path. and keep smiling dear melanie. people love your smile. don't sell it for less than its worth.
Monday, February 21
A Friend
I met a man one day that changed how I thought about New Yorkers. I was young, naive and lost. He was a friend of another friend. He was an addict. What impressed me about him the most? He was the most generous man I had met at that moment, out side of my daddy. He was kinder to me than the man I was living with. He resonated spirituality and generosity. He wasn't a stable being, but he was consistent.
He taught me many things about how men should treat women. He was a man, a mentor, and a friend. He never suspected his worth. He always treated me with respect. ALWAYS. NO matter what state he was in, he knew what people of worth were worth.
To this day, I regret I never told him what he meant to me. The day after I heard of his death, I heard this song on the radio. I had to pull off the freeway and cry for at LEAST a half hour. Every time I hear this song, I cry for my dear friend. He was singular. I can't even write this without crying.
I was his friend. I am his memory. It's not the one I would wish for him, but worth is worth. I wish more people had felt that for him. He was so kind, and non-judgmental. He reinforced so many of my beliefs. I was educated by his choices. He was left alone dead on the floor by the woman he was seeing at the time. I pray in his next life he wont abandon himself or be abandoned.
"And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
chorus
While Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light"
He taught me many things about how men should treat women. He was a man, a mentor, and a friend. He never suspected his worth. He always treated me with respect. ALWAYS. NO matter what state he was in, he knew what people of worth were worth.
To this day, I regret I never told him what he meant to me. The day after I heard of his death, I heard this song on the radio. I had to pull off the freeway and cry for at LEAST a half hour. Every time I hear this song, I cry for my dear friend. He was singular. I can't even write this without crying.
I was his friend. I am his memory. It's not the one I would wish for him, but worth is worth. I wish more people had felt that for him. He was so kind, and non-judgmental. He reinforced so many of my beliefs. I was educated by his choices. He was left alone dead on the floor by the woman he was seeing at the time. I pray in his next life he wont abandon himself or be abandoned.
"And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
chorus
While Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light"
Sunday, February 20
Defining a moment
All my life I have found amazing things and then lost them. All my life I have loved deeply. It’s not an option; it’s who I am. I am not sure that fits most people’s definition of love. I may not be the person who collects souvenirs, but I do understand their value. I may not be the person who follows tradition, but I know that new traditions may be my life’s value. I may not be the most beautiful person on the outside, but inside I mean something to everyone that sees me, good or bad. I think that sticking with knowing myself has hardened me in a lot of ways. Choosing to be a single mom reminds me of that stubbornness. I haven’t ever really suffered. I am still not sure I know who I am, but that may just be instability of my physical circumstance in the now. I have been stubborn to stick by my choices always. I choose to believe in people, no matter what. Even when they lie to me and let me down. I had an affirmation on Friday from an ex of the decision I made there. Ty John. Xo.
I am basically just trying to hang on. Find a path. Enjoy every moment. Learn that no matter what, joy and sorrow are bed partners and not to be despaired by that. How to not over react to my son. Appreciate the family I have (immediate and extended) and let them know I love them.
In a moment of clarity today (which I think most of us struggle with) after a conversation with a very conditional person, I realized something. No one persons conditions drive any one else’s lives. We live as we are. It might be easier the other way, but each person’s joy is based on his or her wants, and that’s what makes life beautiful. We just need to learn to communicate. In any moment, and not take things personally.
I wrote a sentence to myself today. And I felt so centered when I wrote it. I think I will read it every time I start to treat myself with guilt and shame. “I allow myself to appreciate all my experiences no matter how bad without feeling shame and I will trust myself and my inner voice.”
Feel free to do that for yourself. You will help me and everyone you meet as well. We need each other. Stop trying to find differences. Find similarities. You wont lose a thing by doing this. You will only gain.
I am basically just trying to hang on. Find a path. Enjoy every moment. Learn that no matter what, joy and sorrow are bed partners and not to be despaired by that. How to not over react to my son. Appreciate the family I have (immediate and extended) and let them know I love them.
In a moment of clarity today (which I think most of us struggle with) after a conversation with a very conditional person, I realized something. No one persons conditions drive any one else’s lives. We live as we are. It might be easier the other way, but each person’s joy is based on his or her wants, and that’s what makes life beautiful. We just need to learn to communicate. In any moment, and not take things personally.
I wrote a sentence to myself today. And I felt so centered when I wrote it. I think I will read it every time I start to treat myself with guilt and shame. “I allow myself to appreciate all my experiences no matter how bad without feeling shame and I will trust myself and my inner voice.”
Feel free to do that for yourself. You will help me and everyone you meet as well. We need each other. Stop trying to find differences. Find similarities. You wont lose a thing by doing this. You will only gain.
Tuesday, February 15
life
so fucked up.
you find what you want but you can't touch it. and the people you love and that love you are too far apart to touch each other. and maybe i am wrong about everything, but mostly? i am right.
i can learn. can i get an amen!? *giggle*
you find what you want but you can't touch it. and the people you love and that love you are too far apart to touch each other. and maybe i am wrong about everything, but mostly? i am right.
i can learn. can i get an amen!? *giggle*
Wednesday, February 9
self image
I have been working on this all my life. I feel like i am making strides towards acceptance and love of myself. right now all thing wrong are slamming me. its a test to realize I am worthy, lovely, sexy and accomplished.
join me in the affirmation chant! ty.
join me in the affirmation chant! ty.
i love this song.
and the words are pretty innocuous.
but it always feels good to say fu when you can!
but it always feels good to say fu when you can!
Tuesday, February 8
Sunday, February 6
New Neighbor
I have a new neighbor. He is from NY. He is an ROTC trainer. And so nice, good for him. Its going to be a really weird adjustment for him to adapt to a CA lifestyle. Anyone that has ever experienced the edge of the US continent in CA will understand.
This is paradise, as long as you let go and allow. i fear he is incapable of it. but its not my life. we are all lead to where we should be. I pray he will open his windows and doors and let the world in. its all we have. god, we are so fortunate to be in so cal.
I don't know my part. I know I can help him. and so I travel forth.
This is paradise, as long as you let go and allow. i fear he is incapable of it. but its not my life. we are all lead to where we should be. I pray he will open his windows and doors and let the world in. its all we have. god, we are so fortunate to be in so cal.
I don't know my part. I know I can help him. and so I travel forth.
Friday, December 3
Half Man, Half Me
OMG I had the most incredible dream this morning!! I was being pursued by man, not in a aggressive evil way, just passive interest and persistence. Overseeing my steps... inquiring, concerned, sweet. The unusual thing about him was that he wasn't actually fully human. And when he started getting into serious conversations he would morph into something completely different.
There was a really strange ending to the dream. We were at his house, and he was actually communicating with me at this point visually only, telling me his story by touching me and letting me see what his history was. There was a strange party we were supposed to attend, he was warning me against going, but came along anyway just to watch over me. Massive orgy like party, and for some reason there was smoke and ashes everywhere. He took us home in a Huge crazy tractor like machine, riding in the open air.
it was a crazy good feeling! Weird. (and thats only part of it)
There was a really strange ending to the dream. We were at his house, and he was actually communicating with me at this point visually only, telling me his story by touching me and letting me see what his history was. There was a strange party we were supposed to attend, he was warning me against going, but came along anyway just to watch over me. Massive orgy like party, and for some reason there was smoke and ashes everywhere. He took us home in a Huge crazy tractor like machine, riding in the open air.
it was a crazy good feeling! Weird. (and thats only part of it)
Saturday, October 9
always
I always wanted to be that person that could be accepting and non-judgemental of the people I love. I have come a long way in that department. I just don't feel that I have made it completely. I continually listen to self help. I am working on my self esteem every day. How is it I have "expectations" and regret? Riddle me this.
I have so much more to be grateful for than not. Why is it that I continue to feed energy into the negative parts of existence? The next step is to put all that negative crap into oblivion and regret NO more.
anyone else feeling the cramps of inconsistency with self desire? I thought so. INPUT!
I have so much more to be grateful for than not. Why is it that I continue to feed energy into the negative parts of existence? The next step is to put all that negative crap into oblivion and regret NO more.
anyone else feeling the cramps of inconsistency with self desire? I thought so. INPUT!
Thursday, September 16
My Ride
On the way to class I had a wonderful and happy accident. My car died. I had to pull to the side of the road, and a cool new service from the CHP had a man that came in a truck to basically keep me company, protected and give me his opinion of the issue. Its at the Volvo dealership now. We will see what happens next!
Thanks to my friends who are always there for me in a pinch. And to the services of AAA. The man who picked me up said, the two cars I pick up every day that ARENT in accidents? Volvo and Mercedes. I love you my sweet little blue beast. You are comfy sweet safe ride. Please stop talking back. :)
Tuesday, September 7
wacom intous 4
Dear Santa.... i forgot to add this to my list. this will change the way I illustrate books. ty!
Letters to Santa
The other day we were backing out of the driveway on our way to work and school, my son says to me, "Mommy, is Santa for real?" (He is in that phase. Asking me about actors and movies. Which stories are real and which aren't. If the characters are based on real people.)
I said to him, "What do you think?"
He responded, "I think he is real."
"Yes. I think you are right", I replied.
So Sunday, we wrote our letters to Santa. That was a festive task. I asked Santa for something that is already in the works and he was so excited that I asked for it. lol.
Anyway, I know its only September, but this Santa has to plan ahead so that all is taken care of by the "deadline".
He hasn't even decided what he wants to be for Halloween!!!!
I said to him, "What do you think?"
He responded, "I think he is real."
"Yes. I think you are right", I replied.
So Sunday, we wrote our letters to Santa. That was a festive task. I asked Santa for something that is already in the works and he was so excited that I asked for it. lol.
Anyway, I know its only September, but this Santa has to plan ahead so that all is taken care of by the "deadline".
He hasn't even decided what he wants to be for Halloween!!!!
Monday, August 23
Last Nights Dream
I had my first semi sexual dream last night in almost a year. It was a strange dream too. I went to bed early then woke up early. This dream happened after I fell back asleep after that mid morning time.
It started as traveling to various locations and hotels. I ended up at a party and ran into an old friend. Strange, he is an old friend that I don't even like. We had an attraction both of us were uncomfortable with but couldn't deny. This dream took place at a house sitting on the cliff by the ocean, We had driven there over bumpy roads. When we got there, we had wonderful conversations. We watched a sun rise while it happened. Then he walked outside and followed a woman by climbing a pole.
You know sometimes I think these dreams are supposed to be stories for some kind of "TV series" or soap opera. I haven't started writing yet but I think I will. Gotta start keeping track!
It started as traveling to various locations and hotels. I ended up at a party and ran into an old friend. Strange, he is an old friend that I don't even like. We had an attraction both of us were uncomfortable with but couldn't deny. This dream took place at a house sitting on the cliff by the ocean, We had driven there over bumpy roads. When we got there, we had wonderful conversations. We watched a sun rise while it happened. Then he walked outside and followed a woman by climbing a pole.
You know sometimes I think these dreams are supposed to be stories for some kind of "TV series" or soap opera. I haven't started writing yet but I think I will. Gotta start keeping track!
Monday, July 26
Amusement Parks
We were at Magic Mountain this weekend, all day Saturday I should say. Walking is good for you! WE did a LOT of that. Riding the small rides with my son was awesome! We laughed and laughed. I have to say standing in a long line is NOT appealing. They have created the "Fast Pass", and I tell you if we do go back, thats the ticket. For sure.
One amazing feet. They have a typical area with carnival style games, coin toss, water gun races, to win stuffed animals. I traditionally avoid them KNOWING the prize is not worth the money spent on the game. BUT as we passed the "break the plates with the baseball" and win a prize booth, I stopped. I looked at the son, and said, you think you could break a plate? Sure mom! 2 rounds, and sure enough. he broke a plate. Solid shatter! The man can aim. There was a guy standing next to us saying, Heck, I can't even do that! (In fact we went back a while later to try and win a bigger stuffed "Dodgers" bear, and he was still trying!) I was sorta proud and started thinking, its time for him to be on a team. Yep!
Magic Mountain = Long lines, getting soaked on the water rides, over expensive drinks, really good fudge, laughing till you ache on rides with your kid, watching him win his first carnival prize? Priceless!
Hurricane Harbor here we come!!!!! :dance:
One amazing feet. They have a typical area with carnival style games, coin toss, water gun races, to win stuffed animals. I traditionally avoid them KNOWING the prize is not worth the money spent on the game. BUT as we passed the "break the plates with the baseball" and win a prize booth, I stopped. I looked at the son, and said, you think you could break a plate? Sure mom! 2 rounds, and sure enough. he broke a plate. Solid shatter! The man can aim. There was a guy standing next to us saying, Heck, I can't even do that! (In fact we went back a while later to try and win a bigger stuffed "Dodgers" bear, and he was still trying!) I was sorta proud and started thinking, its time for him to be on a team. Yep!
Magic Mountain = Long lines, getting soaked on the water rides, over expensive drinks, really good fudge, laughing till you ache on rides with your kid, watching him win his first carnival prize? Priceless!
Hurricane Harbor here we come!!!!! :dance:
Wednesday, June 23
My Lemonade Stand
Sunday Morning picked up my kid from his “sleepover”. We get home and he says to me, “Mom, I want to have a lemonade stand. We need to start saving money for our new house. “ Hence his first entrepreneurial endeavor. The KOOL-AID stand. Lemonade and strawberry flavors, just so you know. So cute listening to his little voice yelling Kool-Aid, Lemonade… Actually one lady stopped her car and bought 2 cups for the kids! We made around 4 dollars, because of our generous neighbors and friends. I found an empty plastic container; we are going to decorate with a house on it this weekend. I am encouraging his desire to make his dreams a reality.
This whole dream started a couple of months ago. He said something to me about having a dog. I said, “We can’t have a dog till we have a house and a yard to keep it in. “
He said, “Then we need a house.”
I said, “What does your house LOOK like?”
Then we proceeded to describe the house, and it has a “hot tub”, Austin’s real wish besides the dog. My only additions were a washer, dryer and a maid. And a Pool guy to clean up the pool/hot tub.
I am of the firm belief if you can envision it you can have it. No matter how long that takes. I am proof of that. I don’t dash his dreams by telling him, NO. He will learn on his own how to deal with the real NO’s in time. Besides why shouldn’t he believe he would have a house with a dog and hot tub someday? These are all good things to want. And in wanting them, the law of attraction will reward him with his dream and I can benefit in the process! For it is also my want to have a house and a dog.
Poof, there it is!
Thursday, May 13
Bike Dream
I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last two months. Looking for any inspirational material I can find on CDs (TY WILENE and the public library) I would much rather listen than read as it allows me to do two things at once. As a single mother, I love multi-tasking. Life requires I do many things at once. I am actually programmed that way so it works for me.
ANYWAY, during all these awakening sessions with my inner being, I have found a joy that I forgot about since I was a little girl running in the sprinkler on the lawn. The days I struggle I remember to visualize that moment of joy that most recently happened and keep speaking of the joy, dismissing the negative as much as possible from my experience.
Last night I had a pretty intense dream. I was on some kind of trek (which is the current situation in all my dreams, traveling from one point to another). Some one gave me a bike that I had to use for this trip. And as the mind does with symbolism, at some times the seat was off the bike, but I kept riding. There were people in the path but I rode over them. There were puddles and I splashed happily through them. Just kept on going no matter the obstacles. The ride started out apprehensively. By the end I was clear on where I was going, knowing that the challenges were there, and ringing my little bike bell all along the way.. seat or no seat. I was getting to the next "station" without hangups and it felt good.
Life is joyous. Remind me of that when you hear me whining... *giggle*
Surgery Again?
Yep. I didn't talk about it just did it. heh!
I underwent a significant physical transformation two months ago. Elective surgery that I waited only 6 months to have done. Six months of "last meals". By the time my surgery came I was so ready for it. The only really uncomfortable moment I have had was the night after surgery when I couldn't drink any water. That lasted from 11 am after surgery till 7 am the next day. A very brief suffering for what has turned out to be the second most important decision in my life (the first one was the decision to be a single mom).
The end results so far? Immediately, the next day, I no LONGER SNORE! Why? I have no idea. A total benefit of surgery. The surgeon corrected my hiatal hernia. I think that had something to do with it. amazing. The food intake is down to about 1/10th of what I was consuming. And truthfully? I do not miss it. Glutton no more, TY. I am a happy woman. I am am seriously lighter. I lost 15 before, 15 in my second week out from surgery (weigh in) and since I am 2 months out I am guessing at LEAST another 15 if not more. I decided to not weigh myself at home. This is a gradual process and i want to learn how to treat my body by its signals, not the scales. My next official weigh in is May 18th. I will keep you informed.
The real result is finding myself again inside the fat suit. I feel like a different person. Active, capable of being on my feet for long periods of time. Time to incorporate exercise. Thank GOD summer is approaching. Ready for the bike rides to the beach with my kiddo!!! yea. I am a BLESSED woman. Grateful, and blessed.
I underwent a significant physical transformation two months ago. Elective surgery that I waited only 6 months to have done. Six months of "last meals". By the time my surgery came I was so ready for it. The only really uncomfortable moment I have had was the night after surgery when I couldn't drink any water. That lasted from 11 am after surgery till 7 am the next day. A very brief suffering for what has turned out to be the second most important decision in my life (the first one was the decision to be a single mom).
The end results so far? Immediately, the next day, I no LONGER SNORE! Why? I have no idea. A total benefit of surgery. The surgeon corrected my hiatal hernia. I think that had something to do with it. amazing. The food intake is down to about 1/10th of what I was consuming. And truthfully? I do not miss it. Glutton no more, TY. I am a happy woman. I am am seriously lighter. I lost 15 before, 15 in my second week out from surgery (weigh in) and since I am 2 months out I am guessing at LEAST another 15 if not more. I decided to not weigh myself at home. This is a gradual process and i want to learn how to treat my body by its signals, not the scales. My next official weigh in is May 18th. I will keep you informed.
The real result is finding myself again inside the fat suit. I feel like a different person. Active, capable of being on my feet for long periods of time. Time to incorporate exercise. Thank GOD summer is approaching. Ready for the bike rides to the beach with my kiddo!!! yea. I am a BLESSED woman. Grateful, and blessed.
Monday, April 19
Summer Camp
Summer is almost HERE! Which means in about 6 weeks I am going to have to deal with Summer Day Camp!? My mother really didn't work when I was young till we moved to Texas, so I don't remember attending day camp. I did get to go to sleep over camps with my friends. I remember a summer at a relatives houses or church camp and girl scout camp. Wow. I love camp in the summer for my kiddo! The choices in our town are very broad. I think the only thing I didn't see was horseback riding or equestrian activities. I think I came up with a great schedule for him which range from sports to theater.
One of my memories of summer camp was swallowing a horse fly when diving off the board into the swimming pool. Please share your best camp stories! Your favorite moments... and keep it PG rated, which means acronyms!
Now for some "old school" humor. This is still one of my FAVORITE summer camp movies. "It just doesn't matter!"
One of my memories of summer camp was swallowing a horse fly when diving off the board into the swimming pool. Please share your best camp stories! Your favorite moments... and keep it PG rated, which means acronyms!
Now for some "old school" humor. This is still one of my FAVORITE summer camp movies. "It just doesn't matter!"
Sunday, March 28
Cramp in my Leg
Last nights dream was fairly intense. In real time, I have had "ankle fusion" on my left ankle. It has finally gotten to a point of feeling less like a "franken-ankle" and more like an actual mobile unit. I haven't been walking around much in the last week due to another procedure I had done March 18th. (More on that later). When I don't walk around on it much then get up and actually spend the day walking, like yesterday, AND not enough water, I get cramps in my calf while I sleep. Now before you give me the "stretching" speech, understand that my left ankle has a reduced mobility factor that only allows 60% of a normal forward and backward flex. ie: can't ever point my toes again, like I did when I was diving in high school. So its never fully "stretched". Now on with my dream.
I remember I was doing some work around the house and then my leg started cramping up. I started thinking dangit i was sleeping so nicely too. Then someone came up to me saying here you go, and handed me a booklet with pictures on it. There is a coupon card to use when you have leg cramps. You just say the words, cramp be gone, and your leg wont hurt anymore. Sure enough. I picked one coupon, and my cramps were gone immediately. ANd i said a grateful prayer and sat there thinking how wonderful. No more cramps while I sleep and the dream continued.
Angel intervention? Maybe so. I sure lost the cramp in my leg immediately. Is it really that easy? and the treasure of kindness is the greatest treasure of all...
I remember I was doing some work around the house and then my leg started cramping up. I started thinking dangit i was sleeping so nicely too. Then someone came up to me saying here you go, and handed me a booklet with pictures on it. There is a coupon card to use when you have leg cramps. You just say the words, cramp be gone, and your leg wont hurt anymore. Sure enough. I picked one coupon, and my cramps were gone immediately. ANd i said a grateful prayer and sat there thinking how wonderful. No more cramps while I sleep and the dream continued.
Angel intervention? Maybe so. I sure lost the cramp in my leg immediately. Is it really that easy? and the treasure of kindness is the greatest treasure of all...
Monday, March 15
Birthday
It was quiet.. It was fun packed. I got GREAT presents. And got to go to the orchid show. It was just as I wanted it to be. Filled with good friends and my son.
AND I got to take some pictures. Enjoy!
AND I got to take some pictures. Enjoy!
Thursday, March 11
Scouting
I, AJ, promise to do my best
to do my duty to God and my country
to help other people
and to obey the law of the pack.
"cub scout salute"
CUTE or WHAT!?
Tuesday, March 9
Electra Cruisers.... The Gypsy
Isn't she a beauty? And the name is so perfect for me.
I have begun bike shopping! My birthday is Saturday and I want a bike. Things are going to drastically change for me next week. Exercise must be included in that change. Biking is a good start to work up the butt muscles and the leg muscles. Also its a good way to get out with my kid and exercise. Head over to the beach for the day.
I want this bike and have a major contribution coming from the rents... Thank you my generous parents!!!!! It may have to be paid in installments, but oh the joy of spinning around my beach town with this cutie!
Look for future installments of "Biking Adventures of Mom and A.J." Anyone got a bell? BRRRRINGG BRRRIINNGGG!!!!
Monday, March 8
Its a Word I Created today... FRIDIOTS!!!!
yea you guessed it. Frigging Idiots... doesn't Fridiots sound so much more PC?
And I can say it in front of my kid, and create a perfectly logical answer without tainting innocence. news you can use...
And I can say it in front of my kid, and create a perfectly logical answer without tainting innocence. news you can use...
Someone's Staring at me
Love my kid. The best gift ever. He has been staring at me while I sleep. I am laying there I wake up and there he is staring at me.
Sweet in a lot of ways. Wants to get in and snuggle, had a bad dream, wet the bed, whatever it is. Its just kinda creepy when you wake up and someone is staring at you just waiting... blank blue eyes... It does not help that I watched a scary alien invasion episode of "Torchwood" which included a scene featuring a child that looked like my little guy. Being an artist brings back visual imprint daily and nightly.
Blessing and a curse.. Blessing and a curse... I love LIFE!
Sweet in a lot of ways. Wants to get in and snuggle, had a bad dream, wet the bed, whatever it is. Its just kinda creepy when you wake up and someone is staring at you just waiting... blank blue eyes... It does not help that I watched a scary alien invasion episode of "Torchwood" which included a scene featuring a child that looked like my little guy. Being an artist brings back visual imprint daily and nightly.
Blessing and a curse.. Blessing and a curse... I love LIFE!
Monday, February 1
fishes....
Well mateys, if you DIDNT know yet, I be a pisces... a fish woman... a merrrrrmaid! Just to prove that I love the fishes, I am going to share this with you. I have 2 aquariums and a beta fish bowl in my house ( I secretly wish I had a Wall sized salt water tank, but thats for the rich folks). Yea and I live in a beach town, where I finally feel at ease after all my years inland. A bonus outing for me happened last night. A coworker and I went to an aquarium for "Photographers Night". They close the aquarium to the public, and allow only photographers in.
A Nikon Seminar an hour before hand was most helpful. The speaker showed images he had taken the week he was here before hand, with very little touch up. Nikon was there with set ups and "help sessions at various locations in the Aquarium. They also had a stock of "loaner" cameras and lenses. My "loan" of a Nikon D300 (VERY expensive, omg) and a short portrait lens was AWESOME! I can't even tell you what a difference it makes to have a camera with all the right "stuff". I know that I am not the worlds greatest mathematician and believe me taking a GOOD picture is a math equation. Exposure, ISO, available light, bend of the light on the sensor, autofocus, manual focus, aperture settings, etc. It would be nice to just point and shoot, but they can't capture the richness quite as well. Praises to the digital camera age.
After 3 hours, I took close to 500 images and could have gone around once more with the "knowledge" gained from the previous hours experience. Although, I didn't do as well as I had hoped. Fish don't really stand still. They are kind of skittish, and usually you capture a fish butt by the time the shutter clicks. As expected, water has a huge amount of blue, including blue walls inside the tanks, so you are constantly dealing with White Balance. But if you stand still and no one pushes you out of the way, sweet fish eyes are in your focus and you can get the awesomeness of the underwater world (behind plexi-glass of course,, which is a whole different set of issues). Man, what I learned last night is valuable though. Well worth the weary body this morning.
Time to get serious and upgrade my D40 to something with a higher ISO range, and more options in focusing. I LOVED having 3200 ISO in a dark place. I will search for a noise reduction software. And I am going to start taking more and more pictures. Maybe some day I can do some paintings from them. That is my dream.
Happy Monday everyone! Enjoy the Jellies (they are straight out of the camera, so please forgive the noise). The only mermaids were in the ocean to the left of the museum... ;-)~
Tuesday, January 26
U Boats & Single Moms
A DREAM!!!!
We were on a road trip, my parents, my brother, Austin and I. We crossed the bridge in NY and we saw some War Ships (US). I was concerned that there were so many and they seemed fully staffed and I heard sirens. I mentioned something to my family, they really didn’t make much of it. I started to get online to text someone and question what was going on. I was online from my phone talking to people on the east coast. About the time we got down to Virginia, the bus was a mess I was riding up top and my things were sliding all around the bus. My mother and brother were trying to find a parking space for the bus. And I was still on line when my phone dropped into the front end… I managed to get up there and clean out the front after the bus was parked. My mother and brother had gone to find the apartment/room where we would be spending the night.
When they came back, my mother said, “Don’t forget you have to get to Oprah’s house. You are going to her “house warming” show. They are going to show appetizers and decor. Its all single mothers, meaning you have to bring Austin along with you.”
I thought that was kinda weird, but went anyway. Austin and I show up to an opulent mansion on the beach. They take him to a room with all the other Kids, and I am taken to the room where the show is being filmed. I remember walking in and seeing Martha Stewart, Valerie Bertinelli, and a few other women. I was walking up to sit next to Martha as I had a few questions for her, and noticed the seat was “reserved”. So I ended up going to the front of the room. Each table was set for one person, small tables with a full place setting. White eyelet table cloths, black floral overlay with a white linen runner, white plates with black accents stacked 3 high, crystal glasses, and silverware. Everyone had on nice outfits, nothing too elegant.
Oprah started the show, speaking about who knows what, and then people started bringing in food. Martha was introduced at this time and she got up to talk about the recipes. When I was served my food, I went to eat it and the cookie/cake that she served me it fell apart. Oprah, who had sat down next to me, started laughing. I looked at her and said, “Once a klutz always a klutz.” She sided with me saying, “I know what you are talking about. And I am in the spotlight.” Valerie chimed in with her sentiments followed by her signature giggle.
I proceeded to look out the window as I wanted a distraction from this conversation and saw the war ships in the ocean outside the house. They looked like they were being radiated from the skies! The water was rough, the beams were shooting at the ships and people were jumping off the ship. Then the ships started sinking. I screamed saying “OMG, they are nuking our ships!!” The other ladies got a bit nervous. I said to Oprah, “Where is your fallout shelter in this place?” She didn’t respond. I went to find Austin.
When I got to the room that held the children, I grabbed him and looked out the window. All kinds of ships were in the harbor now, attacking each other. Transformer looking stuff. Then I looked out the other window and saw all the “celebrities” leaving in their cars. Looked like something out of a 1950’s Hollywood movie. Convertibles and old classic cars zooming away, and realized they had left us there. I started looking around for a safe place to hide in case of radiation fallout. We ended up finding a “safe room”. As I was curious to what was happening I would occasionally go to the window to look out. The river had cleared of ships. People were wandering around the neighborhoods. I saw some that were perfectly normal and some that looked as if their faces were melting off. They had green spots on their faces and were screaming in pain. I couldn’t let Austin see it. We heard some other people in this huge house so we went looking for them hoping they weren’t the face melting people.
I found a room with some politicians in it. They were dressed in black suits and ties. The discussion was about this house being safe from the toxins. One of them looked at me and said, “Is that your son?”. I responded affirmatively. He then said to me, “Here, you both drink this syrup.”
I asked him what it was. He said, “It will protect you both from prolonged exposure to radiation fallout. I can see that neither of you are going to have to really worry about that anyway. Only some people will have bad reactions to the radiation. It’s a different kind of radiation than others. But, this syrup will keep you immune just in case.”
I thanked him and they went back to their conversation. Then I woke up. I felt pretty calm when I woke up from this dream. Surprisingly. I guess I felt safe from Austin and I dying from the radiation.
We were on a road trip, my parents, my brother, Austin and I. We crossed the bridge in NY and we saw some War Ships (US). I was concerned that there were so many and they seemed fully staffed and I heard sirens. I mentioned something to my family, they really didn’t make much of it. I started to get online to text someone and question what was going on. I was online from my phone talking to people on the east coast. About the time we got down to Virginia, the bus was a mess I was riding up top and my things were sliding all around the bus. My mother and brother were trying to find a parking space for the bus. And I was still on line when my phone dropped into the front end… I managed to get up there and clean out the front after the bus was parked. My mother and brother had gone to find the apartment/room where we would be spending the night.
When they came back, my mother said, “Don’t forget you have to get to Oprah’s house. You are going to her “house warming” show. They are going to show appetizers and decor. Its all single mothers, meaning you have to bring Austin along with you.”
I thought that was kinda weird, but went anyway. Austin and I show up to an opulent mansion on the beach. They take him to a room with all the other Kids, and I am taken to the room where the show is being filmed. I remember walking in and seeing Martha Stewart, Valerie Bertinelli, and a few other women. I was walking up to sit next to Martha as I had a few questions for her, and noticed the seat was “reserved”. So I ended up going to the front of the room. Each table was set for one person, small tables with a full place setting. White eyelet table cloths, black floral overlay with a white linen runner, white plates with black accents stacked 3 high, crystal glasses, and silverware. Everyone had on nice outfits, nothing too elegant.
Oprah started the show, speaking about who knows what, and then people started bringing in food. Martha was introduced at this time and she got up to talk about the recipes. When I was served my food, I went to eat it and the cookie/cake that she served me it fell apart. Oprah, who had sat down next to me, started laughing. I looked at her and said, “Once a klutz always a klutz.” She sided with me saying, “I know what you are talking about. And I am in the spotlight.” Valerie chimed in with her sentiments followed by her signature giggle.
I proceeded to look out the window as I wanted a distraction from this conversation and saw the war ships in the ocean outside the house. They looked like they were being radiated from the skies! The water was rough, the beams were shooting at the ships and people were jumping off the ship. Then the ships started sinking. I screamed saying “OMG, they are nuking our ships!!” The other ladies got a bit nervous. I said to Oprah, “Where is your fallout shelter in this place?” She didn’t respond. I went to find Austin.
When I got to the room that held the children, I grabbed him and looked out the window. All kinds of ships were in the harbor now, attacking each other. Transformer looking stuff. Then I looked out the other window and saw all the “celebrities” leaving in their cars. Looked like something out of a 1950’s Hollywood movie. Convertibles and old classic cars zooming away, and realized they had left us there. I started looking around for a safe place to hide in case of radiation fallout. We ended up finding a “safe room”. As I was curious to what was happening I would occasionally go to the window to look out. The river had cleared of ships. People were wandering around the neighborhoods. I saw some that were perfectly normal and some that looked as if their faces were melting off. They had green spots on their faces and were screaming in pain. I couldn’t let Austin see it. We heard some other people in this huge house so we went looking for them hoping they weren’t the face melting people.
I found a room with some politicians in it. They were dressed in black suits and ties. The discussion was about this house being safe from the toxins. One of them looked at me and said, “Is that your son?”. I responded affirmatively. He then said to me, “Here, you both drink this syrup.”
I asked him what it was. He said, “It will protect you both from prolonged exposure to radiation fallout. I can see that neither of you are going to have to really worry about that anyway. Only some people will have bad reactions to the radiation. It’s a different kind of radiation than others. But, this syrup will keep you immune just in case.”
I thanked him and they went back to their conversation. Then I woke up. I felt pretty calm when I woke up from this dream. Surprisingly. I guess I felt safe from Austin and I dying from the radiation.
Monday, January 25
Dreams
I had a dream i was in a big downtown city. I was at a work function. They were handing out things. I don't remember what. Then we had a picnic and swim party. I was with my coworkers.
When i got out of the pool i was walking downtown with a towel around my waist. I was thinking, man this sucks. Then a voice in my head said, "See that guy up there? , pointing up to a man walking up a hill. "He is REALLY struggling." I sighed and said, yea a bit. Then when I turned around to walk off, I realized I was no longer in the city i was surrounded by burning lava no civilization in sight. There were screams, wilderness and frightening animals everywhere. The voice says, "This is hell. Be grateful."
I fell to my knees praying. and slid through the ground back onto the streets of the city. I ran to the next destination remembering to be thankful.
That dream has sat me with for a few days. Seriously worried that I am having apocalyptic dreams consistently. I had another one last night. I just don't feel like writing another one out. I just have to remain focused on making things truthful and honest for myself. Find silver linings and positive avenues. And BE GRATEFUL.
When i got out of the pool i was walking downtown with a towel around my waist. I was thinking, man this sucks. Then a voice in my head said, "See that guy up there? , pointing up to a man walking up a hill. "He is REALLY struggling." I sighed and said, yea a bit. Then when I turned around to walk off, I realized I was no longer in the city i was surrounded by burning lava no civilization in sight. There were screams, wilderness and frightening animals everywhere. The voice says, "This is hell. Be grateful."
I fell to my knees praying. and slid through the ground back onto the streets of the city. I ran to the next destination remembering to be thankful.
That dream has sat me with for a few days. Seriously worried that I am having apocalyptic dreams consistently. I had another one last night. I just don't feel like writing another one out. I just have to remain focused on making things truthful and honest for myself. Find silver linings and positive avenues. And BE GRATEFUL.
Friday, January 22
Rainy Drive and Agreements
What a great morning conversation. Its nice to have conversations with your kid and help them to understand a point you are trying to make.
We are both so ADD its difficult sometimes. But in the end, you got what I was saying despite the "I don't want to have to talk about this" attitude! You actually listened. And agreed and came up with your own points.
I think I need to relax more. *giggle*
Wednesday, January 6
Picture Books will always be Picture Books...
And I drew one! Check it out. Please.
I am not good at marketing. My friend Wilene is the marketing lady. I am a lowly artist praying for enough income to have a studio so I can WORK finally instead of putting eraser gum all over my bed, table, couch and chairs...
Thanks for your support.
Tuesday, January 5
Monday, January 4
Another Paw
I was admitted into the Hospital, and was in bed next to my doctor and I was giving HIM some advice. I couldn't sleep. Then I was released and remember walking outside. I came to a tall green hedge/fence. When I looked down on the ground i found a brown paw which was moving slightly on its own. I wasn't afraid, mostly curious. I wasn't even disturbed by the fact it was apart from whatever lost this paw. At first I thought it was a rabbits foot, and i thought, YES! good luck for the year. Then I pressed on the pads and realized it was a cats paw. Brown, Huge claws.... and yet still, not disturbed. Just held on to it to show to others and get their opinion.
Then I was passing a truck and I saw my friend J.J. whom I hadn't seen in a LONG time. We had a pleasant conversation from what I can remember... She agreed with me that it was some sort of cat, but not a domestic cat. I don't remember much past that point. For sure it wasn't a tiger paw, so thats a good sign.
Happy New Year everyone!
Then I was passing a truck and I saw my friend J.J. whom I hadn't seen in a LONG time. We had a pleasant conversation from what I can remember... She agreed with me that it was some sort of cat, but not a domestic cat. I don't remember much past that point. For sure it wasn't a tiger paw, so thats a good sign.
Happy New Year everyone!
Sunday, December 27
the tree and social services
I had a dream last night that my boyfriend was leaving for his job. he had woken me up. when I was walking to the kitchen I noticed that he had moved all the furniture out of the house. I was asking him why and he wasn't giving me any answers. I walked after him trying to get some answers, then he said something about another christmas tree and having to work. I tried to call him as he was walking out the door, but saw him get into his bosses car. As I was going to the kitchen to grab the broom to clean up the apartment, i noticed that my sisters ex-husband Hutch was wandering about my apartment. I mentioned this situation to him and he just grunted and was his usual apathetic towards others self. I grabbed a broom and started sweeping, but nothing was coming up easily.
I went outside to try and clean the broom, and look for the furniture. when I wandered back to the house I noticed a bunch of people had come to my house. They were from Social Services. They took me outside while they looked around my house. They asked me a bunch of questions about the furniture, and also about why I had all these things around, when was I going to get rid of them. It was a strange interview, there were about 20 of them all together. They said they were going to be there all day and I asked them if they expected me to feed the them lunch, of course they said. I laughed. Then we went to their offices. I arrived at the building and there were 2 men in black on the roof top with binoculars and microphones. Then we somehow climbed to the top of that building and there were 3 beauty queen contestants there with elbow length gloves and tiara;s. The interviewer said of them, your friends came because they wanted to help you.
We walked into the seemingly empty building and it was a college/school/library. As we walked past all the classrooms, there were children, young and old, and teachers. Behind these rooms were the offices. I had an armload of personal items with me that I just noticed. The man who was my main interrogator asked me to wait. I sat down in an examination area and started writing a journal on clear plastic cellophane. Then all kinds of baby animals appeared; a duck, a kitten, then he came back and asked me to follow him. Thats when I realized i had a journal, so i decided to use that to write in. Then my son woke me up!
Could dreams be any weirder?
I went outside to try and clean the broom, and look for the furniture. when I wandered back to the house I noticed a bunch of people had come to my house. They were from Social Services. They took me outside while they looked around my house. They asked me a bunch of questions about the furniture, and also about why I had all these things around, when was I going to get rid of them. It was a strange interview, there were about 20 of them all together. They said they were going to be there all day and I asked them if they expected me to feed the them lunch, of course they said. I laughed. Then we went to their offices. I arrived at the building and there were 2 men in black on the roof top with binoculars and microphones. Then we somehow climbed to the top of that building and there were 3 beauty queen contestants there with elbow length gloves and tiara;s. The interviewer said of them, your friends came because they wanted to help you.
We walked into the seemingly empty building and it was a college/school/library. As we walked past all the classrooms, there were children, young and old, and teachers. Behind these rooms were the offices. I had an armload of personal items with me that I just noticed. The man who was my main interrogator asked me to wait. I sat down in an examination area and started writing a journal on clear plastic cellophane. Then all kinds of baby animals appeared; a duck, a kitten, then he came back and asked me to follow him. Thats when I realized i had a journal, so i decided to use that to write in. Then my son woke me up!
Could dreams be any weirder?
Wednesday, December 23
Explosion
I had a huge meltdown last night. I am tired of being "angry". Maybe its time to get to the root of exactly WHY I am angry. Can anyone offer me a "process"? I would love some alone time and I mean ALL alone time. I don't get that very much. if ever... See what I mean? Angry. Time to set up some fences and sit in the middle to think, process and alleviate my clutter.
Watch for happier thoughts tomorrow.
Watch for happier thoughts tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 22
Cheer UP
Looks like no extra's from work this year. Belt tightening and all! I am just super happy to have a job that offers me good benefits and a place to escape to a few hours a day. And I get to be creative sometimes!
Here is to a better 2010. I know many others are praying for the same thing. I predict a baby boom in 2010... when people don't have money what else do they do?
cheeky!
Here is to a better 2010. I know many others are praying for the same thing. I predict a baby boom in 2010... when people don't have money what else do they do?
cheeky!
Monday, December 21
Snowy Ride
Ok. Dreamtime revelation AGAIN!
Some friends asked me to go out with them, and they insisted upon driving. We went to a bar and were having a good time. For some reason they all wandered off and left me at the bar alone. I looked around and the couple that gave me a ride there were schmooozing up some guy who was a celebrity or something. I went back up to the bar to get a drink and it became dusk. As I looked outside it was snowing... I screamed Look everyone snow!!! Everyone squeeled and ran outside to dance around in it. By the time I grabbed my camera, everyone had come back in and the snow had slowed down. I was only a bit disappointed.
I realized it was getting late and people were leaving. When I went to look for my friends they were not inside. So i gathered my things and wandered out into the parking lot standing in the snow looking for them. They were indeed heading out with this man in their jeep... laughing and looking at me. When i walked out in front of the Jeep they were all making excuses why I couldn't have a ride with them. I thought, what the heck am I going to do now? I was confused and angry so I set out after them. I was livid.. I had NO money for a cab, much less one that was as far away from the bar as their house was, but took one there expecting to get the money from the couple that left me. I would have driven my car had i known that thy would leave me.
I finally arrived at this couple's door and she opened up the door saying, "You know how long I have been looking for a decent job, and this person can give it to me. If you do anything to mess up this night I am going to never forgive you."
I said, "Why would I do that? I mean the only thing I would say is that you basically left me after you said you would give me a ride both ways!" She sighed and let me in.
When I went into the house, there were a lot of people getting out sheets and pillows getting ready to pass out! I felt so abandoned and left out. I was greeted warmly by most of them, but at this point all I wanted to do was get out of there. So I said hello to the male half of this couple and exchanged some words, I headed back out into the storm to drive.
The dream has been sitting with me all morning and the look on that woman's face really is haunting me. Why would I be someone that would be seen as someone to destroy someone else's chances at something when I didn't do anything wrong? Am I feeling that life is unfair? maybe. Honestly I don't feel that way nearly as much as I did in my youth. hm.
I am looking forward to sleeping again to get that image out of my head. oh yea!
Some friends asked me to go out with them, and they insisted upon driving. We went to a bar and were having a good time. For some reason they all wandered off and left me at the bar alone. I looked around and the couple that gave me a ride there were schmooozing up some guy who was a celebrity or something. I went back up to the bar to get a drink and it became dusk. As I looked outside it was snowing... I screamed Look everyone snow!!! Everyone squeeled and ran outside to dance around in it. By the time I grabbed my camera, everyone had come back in and the snow had slowed down. I was only a bit disappointed.
I realized it was getting late and people were leaving. When I went to look for my friends they were not inside. So i gathered my things and wandered out into the parking lot standing in the snow looking for them. They were indeed heading out with this man in their jeep... laughing and looking at me. When i walked out in front of the Jeep they were all making excuses why I couldn't have a ride with them. I thought, what the heck am I going to do now? I was confused and angry so I set out after them. I was livid.. I had NO money for a cab, much less one that was as far away from the bar as their house was, but took one there expecting to get the money from the couple that left me. I would have driven my car had i known that thy would leave me.
I finally arrived at this couple's door and she opened up the door saying, "You know how long I have been looking for a decent job, and this person can give it to me. If you do anything to mess up this night I am going to never forgive you."
I said, "Why would I do that? I mean the only thing I would say is that you basically left me after you said you would give me a ride both ways!" She sighed and let me in.
When I went into the house, there were a lot of people getting out sheets and pillows getting ready to pass out! I felt so abandoned and left out. I was greeted warmly by most of them, but at this point all I wanted to do was get out of there. So I said hello to the male half of this couple and exchanged some words, I headed back out into the storm to drive.
The dream has been sitting with me all morning and the look on that woman's face really is haunting me. Why would I be someone that would be seen as someone to destroy someone else's chances at something when I didn't do anything wrong? Am I feeling that life is unfair? maybe. Honestly I don't feel that way nearly as much as I did in my youth. hm.
I am looking forward to sleeping again to get that image out of my head. oh yea!
Wednesday, December 16
I love my phone, i hate my phone
The love/hate relationship I have with my phone... do you have that twitch? Always looking for text messages? Soaring your thumbs across the qwerty keyboard to type words back in response that fly into the phone-osphere?? I find that I have been leaving my phone in the car or at home more often, as I don't want to be distracted from being in the "now". I refuse to be one of those people walking down the street staring at my PHONE instead of seeing the paradise around me. I also don't want to miss hearing the music in everyday sounds.
I received the original G1 phone last year as a Christmas gift from my parents. I will not purposefully upgrade for a couple more years as I love this mini computer. Its pretty durable too, since I put a hard red shell cover over it. An amazing little piece of technology, with its touch screen and qwerty keyboard. I don't brag to my I-Phone friends because of course their opinion is nothing beats an I-Phone. I understand that attraction/bonding with Apple Products because I am a Mac user. But I am going to one up those snobby IPhoners with this app.
Google Sky.
Its much more interesting and than text messaging and guess what? (wait for it)
Now you can find Uranus.... *giggle*
Thursday, December 10
disappear
We have been moved into cube land, my work/pod mates and me. It was and still is a rough adjustment. Sometimes I would like to be in my own world without having to drone out others conversations by forcing music into my ears and brains most of the day.
On a positive note? I sit by the window. It has given me a new avenue to finding some new tunes by reviewing podcasts and shared lists on Itunes. I love ITunes.
yea. sing it to me swell season!
On a positive note? I sit by the window. It has given me a new avenue to finding some new tunes by reviewing podcasts and shared lists on Itunes. I love ITunes.
yea. sing it to me swell season!
Tuesday, December 8
Practical
Maybe I am not practical enough to be a mother. I don't seem to be able to meet specific timing issues. Always been a problem. Comes from my core belief that time is irrelevant. Its a measurement used to keep track of what we are doing where we are going etc. All of life happens whether we measure it or not. I find it highly amusing that we pretend to control that aspect of the universe.
That being said, I realize its "importance" to my relationship with others living here. And when it comes to cooking, or the amount of distance I can travel in a time frame. Where to meet and "when". Even after I say those practical applications, I still find it amusing. My mother and others may say, "You are using that as an excuse to not be on time, or do things in a timely manner." Thats because I am having to do these things on YOUR time frame.
Anyway... I find that my disregard of time and the necessity of getting things done in alloted time frames are impractical when it comes to raising a child. Doesn't mean I will become any better at working the "system of time". Just means that I need a little clock with bells that ring at intervals to make sure I am moving to the beat of another's schedule.
someday... i will have a hut and NO CLOCKS ALLOWED!!!! Come visit me there. I will be a happy little guru. :-p
That being said, I realize its "importance" to my relationship with others living here. And when it comes to cooking, or the amount of distance I can travel in a time frame. Where to meet and "when". Even after I say those practical applications, I still find it amusing. My mother and others may say, "You are using that as an excuse to not be on time, or do things in a timely manner." Thats because I am having to do these things on YOUR time frame.
Anyway... I find that my disregard of time and the necessity of getting things done in alloted time frames are impractical when it comes to raising a child. Doesn't mean I will become any better at working the "system of time". Just means that I need a little clock with bells that ring at intervals to make sure I am moving to the beat of another's schedule.
someday... i will have a hut and NO CLOCKS ALLOWED!!!! Come visit me there. I will be a happy little guru. :-p
Thursday, December 3
Scary Dream
I hate having disturbing images in my dreams. It happens frequently. After all the years I have had them, i am only slightly desensitized to them. This one wasn't really spooky, but the image in my head wouldn't leave. It kept me awake for a little while and when I did go back to sleep it still wasn't out of my head. whew...
You want to know don't you? I was in a shop/restaurant/hotel sort of place somewhere. The person at the counter said, watch out for those two over there. I said why? They are always up to something. Today they seem to be bent on torturing themselves with carving tools...
Sure enough I look over and one of the girls is peeling off her skin with a carving tool, making detailed scrolls, not deeply, just a quarter inch into her skin. NO BLOOD! the other girl had a hollow tube and was making swirls up and down her legs... carving away at herself. I could see the areas where the flesh was gone, almost to the bone. Again, NO BLOOD or organs showing. It was like watching wax figures carving themselves up. Making no noises, except a few words to one another while they were "decorating" they called it.
I tried to not look and you know how that goes. I couldn't help but LOOK!!!!! thats when I said in my sleepy brain, you have to wake up, and i did. Read a few words, then made myself forget it and went back to sleep.
Surreal baby... I should have known that first dream I remember as a child that it was going to be a surreal life. I dreamt that I lived in a cave and was the last woman on earth... and I was responsible for procreating a new world... I was maybe 6. yea. scary.
Life is never boring for me. Thank you UNIVERSE!!! i appreciate that gift. more as it evolves.
Happy weekends!
Hey did you see the post below about my book? yea. Check it OUT!
You want to know don't you? I was in a shop/restaurant/hotel sort of place somewhere. The person at the counter said, watch out for those two over there. I said why? They are always up to something. Today they seem to be bent on torturing themselves with carving tools...
Sure enough I look over and one of the girls is peeling off her skin with a carving tool, making detailed scrolls, not deeply, just a quarter inch into her skin. NO BLOOD! the other girl had a hollow tube and was making swirls up and down her legs... carving away at herself. I could see the areas where the flesh was gone, almost to the bone. Again, NO BLOOD or organs showing. It was like watching wax figures carving themselves up. Making no noises, except a few words to one another while they were "decorating" they called it.
I tried to not look and you know how that goes. I couldn't help but LOOK!!!!! thats when I said in my sleepy brain, you have to wake up, and i did. Read a few words, then made myself forget it and went back to sleep.
Surreal baby... I should have known that first dream I remember as a child that it was going to be a surreal life. I dreamt that I lived in a cave and was the last woman on earth... and I was responsible for procreating a new world... I was maybe 6. yea. scary.
Life is never boring for me. Thank you UNIVERSE!!! i appreciate that gift. more as it evolves.
Happy weekends!
Hey did you see the post below about my book? yea. Check it OUT!
Wednesday, December 2
Unexpected
Things that happened in the last couple of days (and weeks) are unexpected. Surprise, sorrow, accomplishment, anger and joy. I realized I have felt settled into a "mudane" just following the responsibility sort of life. I used to be a huge firelight that was ignited daily by anything I saw in nature. I am the one that has let the fire go out, and coming back from the semi-dead is a difficult wall to climb. I have a son that needs me to be alive. I have a lot left to dish out and accomplish. Can't give in to the "weary" demon any longer.
One more lab test. Then a procedure to schedule. A bunch more pictures to draw... and a new beginning I feel will be coming in the next year. Am I prepared? My dreams tell me there are a few land-mine's that will trip me up. I have to remember to keep paying attention, forgive myself for mistakes, and learn when someone is blowing smoke to gain their own footing. My biggest challenge will be finding a place to have some alone time to CREATE! I have a child and man-child that suck the life energy out of me. I need a closet with white walls, directional lighting, paints, pencil, eraser and paper. And a few tacks.
Tis time for a new beginning.. and my mind and body are preparing for that, in dreams and reality.
OH and please... Order the book. we have 25 more to sell before we can break even on the "costs".
Thank you so much for your support... emotionally and otherwise. peace and gratitude.
One more lab test. Then a procedure to schedule. A bunch more pictures to draw... and a new beginning I feel will be coming in the next year. Am I prepared? My dreams tell me there are a few land-mine's that will trip me up. I have to remember to keep paying attention, forgive myself for mistakes, and learn when someone is blowing smoke to gain their own footing. My biggest challenge will be finding a place to have some alone time to CREATE! I have a child and man-child that suck the life energy out of me. I need a closet with white walls, directional lighting, paints, pencil, eraser and paper. And a few tacks.
Tis time for a new beginning.. and my mind and body are preparing for that, in dreams and reality.
OH and please... Order the book. we have 25 more to sell before we can break even on the "costs".
Thank you so much for your support... emotionally and otherwise. peace and gratitude.
Tuesday, November 17
A book I drew.
Ok.. I can finally release the long awaited news. I illustrated a book for my friend who lives in Texas. Its finally printed!!!!
Check it out. You won't get to see the interior just yet, but here is the initial website.
Butterflies and Flower Petals
I feel relieved. And excited. And I anticipate a lot of good ideas coming from this initial piece of work. I want to be the next Rob Scotton... Who doesn't love SPLAT?
Wish me luck!
(Mom, when you go to the website, click on items. You can order the book from the link above... Thanks!!! LOVE YOU!)
Monday, November 9
White People
I was asking my son's daycare provider if he thought it would give my child a complex because I call him "white man".
He said, "It all depends on how you say it."
I said, "Well, when I am asking him to do things, like, Clean your room up white man!"
My son always says, "Hey, my name is A.J."
I say, "Your name may be A.J. but you are still a white man."
The day care provider said, "Well, its not a lie or a slander. I think you are ok."
I still ponder it and have cut back. I guess I think its going to help him when he gets older and people say that, and he can say yea! so?
So, speaking of white people, the race of tweaky humans I claim as my tribe, here is a deliciously humor filled tribute to my breed of inbreeds.
Stuff White People Like...
Enjoy my long lost internet fall er-ers...
He said, "It all depends on how you say it."
I said, "Well, when I am asking him to do things, like, Clean your room up white man!"
My son always says, "Hey, my name is A.J."
I say, "Your name may be A.J. but you are still a white man."
The day care provider said, "Well, its not a lie or a slander. I think you are ok."
I still ponder it and have cut back. I guess I think its going to help him when he gets older and people say that, and he can say yea! so?
So, speaking of white people, the race of tweaky humans I claim as my tribe, here is a deliciously humor filled tribute to my breed of inbreeds.
Stuff White People Like...
Enjoy my long lost internet fall er-ers...
Monday, November 2
Sick...
Sick this weekend, so missed out on trick or treating! I really am despising my physical status lately. (All that will change sooner than I think, so I must prepare.) I do not feel ugly, I feel immobile. Which is even worse.
The happy thought I keep in my head is that I know love and have love in my life. Nothing has ever been perfect nor is it likely to be in the future. I enjoy the moments when it falls together and I can relax for a minute or two. Life is about movement and I need to be able to keep up. The goal is in place.
In the meantime I have some projects to get going that will fruitfully occupy my mind and my time!!! I am still sick, and I am still moving. Hi Ho Silver... AWAY!
The happy thought I keep in my head is that I know love and have love in my life. Nothing has ever been perfect nor is it likely to be in the future. I enjoy the moments when it falls together and I can relax for a minute or two. Life is about movement and I need to be able to keep up. The goal is in place.
In the meantime I have some projects to get going that will fruitfully occupy my mind and my time!!! I am still sick, and I am still moving. Hi Ho Silver... AWAY!
Wednesday, October 28
Friday, October 16
Avocado Dreams
In this dream, I was strolling around the yard of the house where I grew up in Kentucky. There were fruit trees covered with ripening fruit everywhere. Limes, oranges, watermelons and even peanuts. (Yea I KNOW watermelons and peanuts don't grow on trees, but this is my dream, so butt out!) I saw 3 or 4 avocado trees and thought, Wow!!! Look at all the avocado's! I can't wait till they are ripe enough to share and enjoy. Then I took out my camera and tried to capture images. It was a hugely abundant dream. Although I remember stopping to look at the peanut tree (ha) and the nuts weren't fully developed, and there were some spider webs on them. Not sure what to make of the peanut tree, maybe brushing the dust off things I thought weren't possible?
Anyway today, I got good news from a friend about a project that we have already completed, its FINALLY at the printers. She also sent me a lovely inspirational email about looking at projects as a dance partnership. And to dance freely and easily, as easily as she and I interact together. And now, this dream has inspired me to get working on our next project. Now if only i have a studio to work in! *NOTEBOOK! where are you?* When she mentioned dancing to me, this song popped into my head. Remember Song of the South Disney Fans? Wow. I am OLD.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
Mister Bluebird's on my shoulder
It's the truth, it's actual
Ev'rything is satisfactual
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
Wonderful feeling, wonderful day, yes sir!
(repeat 3 times)
So I am going to head out to the alpaca ranch tomorrow, and take my camera. Maybe they will have a huge avocado tree! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah... Uncle Remus!
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