So Long, not Goodbye

Last night as I watched a man play guitar I realized something. No matter what I say to myself I still love that silly man I almost married. He was a ying to my yang. I will never be with him again, but I do love him. For all he was and was not.

Someone came into my life recently and showed me what love could be like. I have to let go of the "idea" of what love could be. There is no lilypad in the love pond for me right now. I must be the caterpillar, and the butterfly.

Dear Donald, I hope you are doing well friend. I will always think of you. We were one, and now we aren't. cest la vie. Life is a river that flows on and onward to the next tide pool.

Now for some lyrics. I love this song.

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

Thanks for the lyrics, Bryan A.

Its Saturday

My toes are painted red.
My sunscreen is packed in my bag.
Today I am going to tan
then tonight going to see this band.

I hope that all of you have spectacular Saturdays.

no smile, yet. that just bites. sighs.

What makes a smile...

Why do I retain such an idealistic vision of the world? I put up a picture I just painted as a reminder that there is so much more to me than what I don't have.

Today I am sad. I am trying to let go of something. Something I want so very very much, but have to set it aside until things change. And I am working on building something back up. A trust that has been lacking for so long, I am not even sure I can get it back. One day at a time. I am breathing, being in the now and making choices for my higher good.

And smile? I don't know what else to say. I miss you. did i mention that i miss you? sighs...

May all your weekends be bright and colorful. Mine sure is going to be. I plan on keeping busy!!! Have to find a smile again! ;-)

Suggested Investigation

My lady of the couch suggested to me that I do an interview with my father about his life. She says, you will come up with some wonderful information about him, and it may help you solve some of your relationship issues.

I took this suggestion, created an outline, and am going to do a video interview. Then convert it to DVD to save for posterity. Basically its going to be a great documentary for my son to know his paw paw (that is what he calls grandad).

Wish me luck. I am going to take a box of kleenex. I love my dad.

Vacation

So my good friend is taking his second vacation to Hawaii this year. I am so happy that he is getting a break from his work. He way overdoes it.

Be safe friend. And take LOTs of pictures. send email. :hug: :hug: :kiss:

I am sick of me

Could I be more freaking self absorbed? I doubt it. I need to do some volunteer work or something. Get me out of my HEAD!

Who can I be besides me today? Suggestions? I feel like playing a character.

Disrespect.

I have pondered and pondered the issue of respect. I am closing the door on a decade of a downward spiraling in regards to self respect. You may have noticed I am working on retrieving some of that lost power. I have reawakened to the fact I am occasionally disrespectful to my friends. This is not the stuff warriors are made of and thankfully my true friends can tolerate my shortcomings.

I have yet to get a full grasp of the respect level with my son. I am very weary thinking about ALL the things that have to be done on a daily basis. And he knows what to do to upset me. Man talk about dynamics of a relationship full out. Become a parent. Social studies 101. All you never thought you needed to know, but are in the fire with the pot in your hand getting an education. This situation will change daily, and learning that I am the sovereign power, and not to be afraid of that, is a HUGE challenge for me. HUGE.

Anyway, so it leads me to thinking about how others are speaking and relating to me. What are my expectations? What do I want from my friendships? Am I portraying myself as I wish to be seen? Or do I even want to be seen? Most days I feel like swimming around people and just observing. Playing the part of a coy mermaid. Harnessing the power of making someone smile, then moving on down the stream. Leaving it behind.

I met someone last year that brought with him a lot of praise, confidence and equality. Feels nice be simpatico with someone again. He opened my eyes to something I thought did not exist. And I felt joyous each time we spoke. We are losing this connection somehow. I see transition as extremely normal but totally irritating at times.

I met someone else recently that makes no forthright statements or conversations unless probed with a stick. How does that make me feel? Like I am an ambiguous burden in his life. I don't have to make conversation, I choose to. He doesn't so much. Opportunity lost really pisses me off. But you can't make people play along. They have to go at their own pace. I am learning to respect his boundaries.

From watching myself interact and hearing a few things these two people have said to me and about me, I made a short list...

• I am way too anxious to set things up the way I THINK they should be. I need to take more stock of what IS.

• I can no longer waste my time trying to engage people in conversation that have little to no interest in me as a human. Their loss.

• I make condescending remarks. Others don't find them so funny. I am going to watch my language more closely. Maybe a point to remember here is the same things I relate to others, most likely could be related to me.

• My life is a bit boring. Possibly, people don't like talking to me because my life is not really filled with a grand amount of adventure or forward movement. This is my time for reflection and I have to remember not to beat myself up while I am healing.

• I am not as stupid as I come across. Do NOT underestimate me because of my lack of vocabulary. Artists tend to use pictures instead of words. Try to remember and assimilate. As we artists have to assimilate to you word junkies.

Now, back to the day at hand. I am a mother. And in order to get some respect in my house, I must have it for myself. Work work work. DAMMIT! my brain is starting to cry vacation. FAT CHANCE!!!!

Ok soul card number was 94. I am going to stick with that for a couple of weeks. It looks like something is growing. Something I need to grow from inside me. Respect.

Moan-day...

I am in a funk. The once a month funk. I normally am quite fine with this situation as in no massive mood swings, or off the charts outbursts. Today, I am feeling a bit burdened, nothing serious. Stupid woman stuff. I wish we had paid mental health days. I could use a day to myself, with a box of acrylics and a HUGE HUGE canvas to spill out the emotions in my head. Splatter the conditions of my feelings across a cloth, and see what the reactions are. Its so freeing, meditative, and cathartic. The more I do it the better I feel. But like anything else, you have to get started. Staring at a blank canvas can be daunting. Someday, I am going to have a studio. Its a prayer I have had for a while.

A wise friend said to me today, "I think you believe the world should be on your timetable and that people should have your priorities." Upstart. (giggles) Of course I do. After all, this is my universe isn't it?

I have to remember the phrase, one step at a time, with an addendum of, don't push. I know that everything happens in it's time and for a reason. I forget that sometimes in the moment to moment space. Getting better... its getting better.

Thanks friend, thanks talent and thanks universe. Without these elements life would suck.

edit: does anyone have some dark dark chocolate? anyone? its a solution. i swear by it. just ask my sister.

happy birthday

HBDTY baby boy! four years old... wow. Time really is going by so quickly. This picture is from the trip we made to the water-park yesterday. He must have seen some of the teenage boys doing this! It made me laugh.

Fun times were had, for sure. A more detailed post after the next day or so. :cheers:

Red Ranger

On a happier note, I am off to find some Power Rangers toys. The boys B-day is tomorrow, and I know that he loves the Power Rangers. They have Power Rangers SPD, mystic force, next generation, etc. He talks about the red one, and that is all I know about that. :cool:

happy hump day fellow bloggers.

an edit:

just so you all know. I have not contacted his father to seek any financial help, nor any of his family since the baby was a little over a year. And they haven't contacted me. its going to be interesting.

The Question I Dread...

So... the father of my little angel is not in the picture. He had an opportunity, and he dismissed it. As he has dismissed me. I hope that he is doing well somewhere. I have no serious resentment towards him (believe me I worked long and hard to be able to be truthful in saying that statement). He doesn't deserve the love of the mini me.

With that being said, my son is really starting to become a little person that can communicate, and understand. There is more discipline required now as he establishes his independence. I am actually very poor in at disciplinary action. I was hoping I could be stern and rigid without reaction. Most times I can, but sometimes, working alone, its an impossibility. And I can not beat myself up for my shortcomings. This path is one I have chosen, and I will remain strong to the cause.

Okay, now for the gristle. I was having to punish the little man, and he said to me, I am going to call my daddy. He is my friend. And he will be nice to me. Major league sigh. If he only knew. I had to totally regroup, because at this point in our relationship, he has not mentioned daddy.

I said, "Where is your daddy?

He said, "I don't know. Do you know where daddy is?"

I said, "I don't know where he is." That is the truth. Then I quickly changed the subject to discussing why Daddy was his friend and I wasn't. What Daddy would do that I couldn't do.

This is so difficult. But dammit! I am doing a good job, and I know this has to be hard on the little man to have that void. Soon he will be in school, and people will be asking him the same question he asked me. Where is your daddy? I have tried not to dwell too much on my reaction or answer to this question. The truth is best, but how do you tell a child that a man who will not take responsibility for his child, is someone that is loving, and good, but can't be here right now. That is just a lie. He refuses to be here. And I am fine with that.

I guess this is rough for a Monday huh? I am going to take each moment as it comes and deliver the goods upon request. With a smile, and some positive twist so he doesn't have a lifetime of self doubt. So that he knows he deserves to be loved by those that will and do love him.

I don't know why I had to be the damn character actress in this lifetime, but there it is. *Awaits Lifetime TV to call regarding the screenplay about her life*

working title: One Step Leads the Way

Mid Level Zombie

Sighs... I have been sleeping. And for those of you who have insomnia, you can appreciate that statement. Unfortunately, I have to take two different medications to get to that point. Seems that I have a mid-stage level of depression, and it is affecting a portion of my life. I can no longer "live" with the symptoms of depression, and must medicate. I have a son that needs my love and attention, not a zombie mom.

I went to see Dr. K. after having the counseling sessions for a month or so, to get on a daytime anti-D, lexapro. I hate anti-D's. I am nauseous, fatigued, my saliva glands are acting super crazy, and I get a bit of a jittery feeling. But, blessed be, I am SLEEPING!!! sighs. It has been 4 years since I have slept more than 5 hours in a row.. Most of the time I only have four hours of sleep. Last two nights? 6-7 before I woke up. Then went right back to sleep. SWEEEET relief.

I hate, hate, hate, and did I mention HATE medication. But today? I feel clear headed. No more zombie screams in my head. No more anxious moments in the middle of the night. My emotions have shifted to a more mid range level, but there is so much more to getting that back on track. I hope that this helps me get more into a daily routine of finding my way back to the creative me I deserve and need to be.

I am learning to not take this day to day life so seriously. Living in the moment is so VERY difficult for me. Perseverance is even more difficult, but life demands that I put on that body armor for now. Creating art, working out, and raising a child are my three agendas. And the anti-D's are helping me get this mind in a normal spot so I can focus on that sweet kid of mine. And the most important aspect, my mental health. Without that, this cruise is more like Gilligan's Island 3 hour tour, than a luxury schooner cruising these waters of life.

Wish me luck!

Looks for the life boat, just in case the ship really does sink.. :wink:

Tagged

Ok Songbird, I got your tag. And I have done the entry. I am supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't know how many of them will actually try this. If you care to, do it, and let me know.

1. Link about family: you know this blog is all about me. But here is a list of things I am thankful for, and my family is on there.

2. Link about friends: This is an entry about the on a website that I love (radioparadise.com). look for it here. I think that I should write a new entry about the friends I am making here.

3. Link about me: oh there are soooo many. but this one will give you the real down dirty of the most recent misadventures of an ADD mom.

4. Link about something I love: I love to dream. Happens quite a bit for me. So, if you don't read my dream blog, then read about this dream or this dream and one more.

5. Link about anything I want: ooo this one was an old entry when I was living in Texas and it always makes me laugh. because I can.

Stooopit Brain

You wake up in the middle of the night and off it goes... blabitty blabitty blab... This is this way, that is that way. shheeez. I sure need to figure out a way to stay in the moment. And get some sleep.

On to the next one. its Wednesday already? sighs.

What I saw...

Last night while sitting outside with a friend, talking and having a beer, I saw a white moth, a white owl, and my first shooting star since coming to California. So, is it just that I finally had a chance to sit and notice things? Or is it something else? All I can say is that I totally appreciated natures display of signs last night.

Symbolism:
Owl: The two main symbolic characteristics of the Owl, its wisdom and its nocturnal activity-- have made it represent perception. Considering perception in a spiritual context, Owl medicine is related to psychism, occult matters, instincts, and clairvoyance-- the true ability to see what is happening around you.

Moth: (this is all I could find) In a translation of an ancient Greek myth, when Pandora had opened her box and all the woes of the world such as war, famine and plague had escaped there remained in the box a small white moth. This moth was named ‘Hope.’

Shooting Stars: well, that one you are on your own to interpret. I just believe it was an exclamation point.

Anyway, maybe I just notice birds more than anything else. Maybe I have always seen myself as a bird, landing in a spot, building a nest for a season, then moving on. Or maybe all this was manifested because I was feeling so comfortable. Finally.

Not up to It.

I am just not up to writing an entry this morning. why?

• Did a marathon cleaning of the apartment, and only half done, worn out.
• Having a flare up of an old ailment, damn stress.
• Work is so slow, I don't have any brain stimulation to think properly.

I am going to guide you to another post from my not so secret "say what you wanna say outloud" blog.

I am afraid if I say much more I am going to piss somebody off. (and no smile, that entry has nothing to do with you).

happy mondays all! muchas besos...

Fiesta Flowercart

flowercart
Originally uploaded by memsahib 313

Saturday was the Children's Parade, meaning there are hundreds of kids marching down state street handing out flowers, dancing, riding horses, bikes, dressed in spanish costumes, and all saying "Viva la Fiesta".

This cart was done by the flower growers in Carpenteria. It was a nice day. I walked probably 4 miles or more. Had to work off the Kawanis club pancake breakfast!

hope all your weekends were fabulous. xo. mem

Private Universe

No time no place to talk about the weather
The promise of love is hard to ignore
Who said the chance wasn't getting any better
Labor of love is ours to endure

Highest branch on the apple tree
It was my favorite place to be
I could hear them breaking free
But they could not see me

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

I have all I want is that simple enough
There's a whole lot more I'm thinking of

Every night about six o'clock
Birds come back to the palm to talk
They talk to me, birds talk to me
If I go down on my knees

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
It feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

And it's a pleasure that I have known
And it's a treasure that I have gained
And it's a pleasure that I have known

It's a tight squeeze but I won't let go
Time is on the table and the dinner's cold

I will run for shelter
Endless summer lift the curse
Feels like nothing matters
In our private universe

Crowded House - Private Universe

Today I would love some time there. A private universe with a person I have come to be fond of. I know life is a day to day, moment to moment existence. But why not more? Why not? MORE...

Feeling like little Oliver at the workhouse, Please sir, can I have some more? All I can think about is the meal I am not getting. damn hormones. sighs.

WEEKEND! Guess I need to go scouting and be outta the house. Be safe, have fun, call your mum and make at least one person smile.

Peace - OUT.

La Pequena Ceremony - Fiesta 2007

Last night I went to the opening of Old Spanish Nights, or Fiesta as its called most commonly, at the steps of the Santa Barbara Mission. I was lucky enough to win a pair of tickets to sit and watch the show up close. I took my camera, and my tripod (which was a mistake).


The "Queen of the Missions" is a magical spot. On clear days, when you go up that hill, and sit on the stairs looking over the ocean, you can blur your eyes, and imagine landscape... nothing but trees that stretch to the ocean. I sit and think how amazing it must have been to be the first people there, building this structure. There is so much history, and I won't bore you with the details, but you can feel the spirits there. And they are exceptionally rich in that area. Many many lives passed that way. I wish my receptors were more fine tuned. I would love to pick up some of spirit action around there.

Most of the time I feel very relaxed and calm at the mission, but last night, I was a bit taken back by the events. By the middle of the performances, I had to get up and leave. I felt a lot of angst for such a celebration of life. And I like being around people. Maybe because I attended the event alone, I felt something "missing", not having someone to share the experience with. Because it was quite amazing.


Thankfully, I treated myself to that Nikon so many months ago, kept me focused on the events, and not myself. These are my favorite shots of the evening.

Viva la FIESTA!

Skipping a Session

I skipped a session yesterday with Kathryn the Great. I wont be doing that again. Thankfully I have a corner office, with a door, and my coworker is gone for a month. I can whimper in private today. I have got to develop some sense of community here. And I really should try to get more sleep.

moving on. :sighs:

Summer DayZ

After yesterday's little melt down, I feel revived. Thanks smile. :smooches:

So many things are shakin' up in my tiny life. I hope this roll continues through out the rest of the year. So hump day. I have to pay rent, look into getting a birthday present (sorry mom its going to be late... AGAIN! sighs).

Kids birthday is on the 16th. Don't have any big plans, so need to get on that. Maybe a day at the beach? On his actual birthday a friend has offered to take him to a water park. Now that is going to be a fun day! Thankfully my boss has complied to letting me off that day. Pouring myself into a suit, and going for a swim.



The end of the month offers up a chance to see Mr. Neil Finn... :hearteyes: Going to see Crowded House with a gal pal, that is moving back home soon. Will be a great send off for us. The ending of our summer of "love". We will be weeping for sure!

All that said, I sure am interested in lighting a fire with someone and it seems the universe has complied. Call me when you get home. ;-)

I am not sure

that I am capable of true love. I not sure I am capable of really being open enough to my own heart to expose it to someone else without hiding a part of me. The two or three times I have completely opened up, I have been hurt, physically and emotionally. And I am becoming bitter, well, maybe not bitter so much as reactionary. I see it in my actions towards the little things that happen in day to day life.

Here is a poem I wrote that was inspired by a conversation with an "at that time" good friend. Do you ever feel that full circle? Today is a full circle day. Yea. Part of my life has come back, full circle. Reminding me of a time when I should have walked away, instead of waiting till I had to run. Sometimes even the most difficult lessons are the hardest to keep fresh so you don't repeat them, because the pain was so deep.

I said to my friend today, men suck, you just have to learn what level of suck-age you are willing to live with. There really isn't a substitute. I asked my magic eight ball, does he really love me? Never trust the "wisdom" of the magic eight ball. Ever. stoopit magic eight ball. :giggles:

Diet Plateu

I have reached it. 25lbs down, and I can't get past that. I am working out, and doing "fairly" well on my eating. But I seem to be stuck. Guess its time to grow up and really stick to the regime. My other thought was, maybe include cutting out the carbs from my diet. Realistically, that is going to be very difficult for me, but if I want to get past this wall, changes must be made.

So in the interest of a leaner more "hot" body, I am renewing my vows. Lower the carbs and stick to the plan.

I hate being a grown-up. "pouts"

Pressing the Flesh

The more I get out of the house, the better I feel. I love being online with my friends, but seriously, if I want to meet parents and potential friends in my community, online just doesn't cut it. Well, sometimes it does, but, I am in the need of the "pressing of the flesh" time.

I may not be online much the next week, it seems exciting things have come about for me to do! This weekend, The Greek Fesitval on Saturday! Yea, I don't have a dime to my name, but it is free, and they do have food. YES! MMMMM gyros & halva & spinach pies, etc. A good day to take pictures too. I love people events for picture taking.

Sunday? I am going to TRY and drag my behind to church. TRY being the term there. I may just sleep in and go to the beach. get more sun. I love being tan, and it sure makes me look better. Its great exercise for the kid and me, and also, free.

Monday: laundry and find an outfit for Wednesday

Tuesday: off to dinner with coworkers. Sales meeting stuff. Going to the Palace Grill. Now if you are ever in Santa Barbara, and you like cajun food, and entertainment, GO. You have to wait in line for seating, but they have someone outside entertaining on the weekends. Twice a night they have a sing along with the entire restaurant, and toasts all around. FUN.




Wednesday: The reason I need an outfit. Each year they have a week long celebration the call FIESTA!!!! or Old Spanish Days here in Santa Barbara. Our company gave away tickets to various events, and I won a pair!!! La Fiesta Pequena. Isn't free good? (Goes to look for her tickets, hopes she hasn't lost them...) So going to try and find some kind of spanish inspired skirt or probably a top. And not to forget the flower for my hair! As I want to try not to look too waspy. :giggles: And this festival goes through the weekend. thankfully i live within walking distance of all the downtown events. Viva la Fiesta!!!




Hey, did you know that there really was a Saint Barbara?

Look for pictures. There should be quite a few after this week! I really enjoy taking pictures of people, and their events, and smiles, etc. A busy week. Finally!!!!! *remembers to take her supplements*

tally ho, and away we go! *puts on her smile*

a ship in the night

But do i take the ride? do i find the right course through an action that may be daunting at first? I know that it will definitely inspire me passion wise, but what will I lose in taking this option?

Weighing out all the details, and leaning on good friends for answers. One of whom never steers me the wrong way.

Am I right smile?
I know you wouldn't.
;-)

Busted

Ankles... yea, the support of the frame. I have a very bad left ankle. Wanna know why? maybe not, but heck, its something to blog about.

When I was a senior in high school, I was on my way to see the movie Grease, in the theater (yes I am that old). I was wearing a pair of Tiddie's sandals. Slippery suckers, I tell ya. Well it started to rain as I was coming through the parking lot. I stepped onto the sidewalk that was like glass, slid my foot straight into a concrete planter, and BAM. Busted the end of my tibia and fibula right at the ankle like a triangle. I didn't realize this of course until much later that evening. I was NOT going to miss the movie. NO WAY. I sat through it with a bag of ice on my leg. Spent the night with a friend, and my parents came to get me in the middle of the night I was in so much pain. The next morning they take me to quack doc, and he says yep you busted it. And seeing as it was summer, he set my foot in a cast that I could swim in. He didn't wrap my leg tight enough, and the resulting error is a constant growth of calcium buildup around that ankle.

As I have gotten older, and calcium build up has started resulting in muscle spasms around my ankle, and lower leg. I have been working out and trying to build up some strength in the muscles around my ankle. I fear it is time for surgery. BLECH! My issue? I have NO support system here. I mean, I don't have anyone to help me with my child, if I decide to do this. Time to start networking, or have my parents take him for a month... now THAT would totally suck! Oh well. Its time to start thinking about it and planning.

First step? See a doctor. ;-)

Weekend

I love living near the beach. On Saturday, we were there for about 4 hours. My tan is really coming along! I hope by this time next year to be quite a bit thinner so that I can really enjoy the tan. Working out and dieting. One step at a time, and I will lose it. Oh yes. Even if i have to do the Anna Nicole trimspa method for some of the months... :wink:

Sunday, Cold Spring Tavern. Fun times!

Tom Ball and Kenny Sultan have played there for some time I am told. They were a pleasure to watch. And quite humorous.
Interesting information, they had a map up of the Zaca fires that are consuming some acreage here in our part of the state. Rainfall was so scarce this winter, I am surprised that there haven't been more fires here. I worry that this isn't going to be the only one this year. *fingers crossed she is wrong*. You could see the smoke when you left the tavern moving southwest. I wondered why my allergies have really been acting up. The child had a blast meeting a new young friend, and playing in the playhouse there. And he was covered in dirt by the time we got home. He was crying because we had to leave. I had a good time hanging with my friends. It was a good afternoon, and made me forget the state of affairs that keeps my mind awake at night!

Anyway, this kid was under the picnic table playing hide and seek.

I feel Empty

Keep On Smilin' by Wet Willie

Well you say you've got the blues
You've got holes in both your shoes yeah
You're feeling alone and confused
You got to keep on smilin'
Just keep on smilin'

Yeah you're, you're 'bout to go insane
'Cause your woman's playin' games
And she says that you're to blame
You gotta keep on smilin'
Just keep on smilin'.

Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
Till the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
And singin' this refrain.

Singin' in a honkey tonk cafe
But nobody's hearin' what you play
They're too busy drinkin' anyway
You gotta keep on smilin'
Brother, keep on smilin'

Say you found a piece of land
You're gonna change from city boy
To country man, yeah
Try to build your life with your hands
And just keep on smilin'
Keep on smilin'

Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
Till the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
And singin' this refrain

You're just hangin' out
At a local bar
And you're wonderin'
Who the hell you are
Are you a farmer?
Are you a star?

Smile on through the rain
Laugh through all the pain
Flow on with the changes
Till the sun shines out again
Keep on smilin', smilin', laughin', laughin'
Flowin', flowin', flowin', flowin'

Remember this song? sighs. I don't have much to say today. I feel like part of me is missing, and I need to find it. Can't wait to work out the emptiness feeling in session next week. For some reason in the last 7 months I have lost the ability to listen to myself and reason things out effectively. It's nice to have someone else to bounce the bafflement off of. Thankfully she has mucho common sense. Putting the ideas into motion is one of the excercise's I am worst at. Because it involves... WORK. Oh well. one step at a time.

The post is so boring today, blech. I am off to the Cold Spring Tavern to hear music. I think that will at least take my mind of the emptiness I am feeling.

Happy Sunday all!

Got Lei - gonna picnic!

It's "give the employees" bagel and doughnut Thursday, and we get out of work at 11:30 to have the rest of the afternoon picnic! Theme? Aloha! YIPPEE!!!!! Everyone has on lei's or puka shells, and some kind of hawaiian themed clothing, (I fortunately don't own anything hawaiin themed, not even underwear. giggles)

I love my job. NO wait. I take that back. I love working here, and the people I work with. I really have a completely different vision of what kind of job I want, but its a tad unrealistic. anywhooo...

I had NO idea lei's were named after an actual hawaiin flower. d*mn I am a dense dorky dame.

Aloha boys and girls will try to have a pic and a story manana. A hui hou. Aloha nui loa

Open Audition

I am searching for a new mate. Someone that likes to smile, laugh, and generally have a good time. Must like all kinds of movies, popcorn and root-beer. Enjoys all kinds of music, making love in the rain, and long walks on the beach. Must be patient, like kids, have his own car, and a job (or his own income). I desire someone open minded, sensual, semi-creative and male. If you can't cook then you must be willing to do dishes and take out trash. Living within a days driving distance of Santa Barbara is crucial for those late night needs. Enjoys an adult beverage now and then, but doesn't end up in the gutter at closing time. Being mature and responsible are a given, but being impulsive at times is so good for the soul. So, sit down, take a number, and then we can discuss options and your requirements.

One final note, did I mention kissing? Because the position requires kissing, lots and lots of kissing.

I look forward to hearing more about your "qualifications". Thank you for your time.

Smile? you going to apply? ;-)

The Echo Chamber

Do you ever feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs and absolutely no one is paying attention to you? yea. Now I just feel like sleeping. Been a good day for sleeping though. Feel like I haven't slept in 2 weeks. Making up for that today. Tomorrow is another day. I hope that I can exit this dungeon then.

smiles are fading... fading... fading...

The Lovers - Rene Magritte

The question to Magritte, "What were you thinking?"




“My painting is visible images which conceal nothing... they evoke mystery and indeed when one sees one of my pictures, one asks oneself this simple question 'What does that mean'? It does not mean anything, because mystery means nothing either, it is unknowable."
Rene Magritte

I love this artist. The only time I ever cried looking at a painting in a museum is when I rounded a corner and saw a picture of doves bleeding. Surrealism is my favorite style of art. I wish I had the skill and intelligence to accomplish it.

This picture talks to me a little bit right now. What the hell am I hiding from myself in this game of love? And what is my lover hiding from me? The mystery I fear will always remain unsolved. For I have never known a man to be completely honest with me. I hope someday a friend/man can prove that there really are honest men out there. I do have faith.

Ok smile. You are the exception. So it is noted. :hugs for you smile:

Dream On...

Check out this video: Bar Scene



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Sick Kid

No blogging for a couple of days. Have a case of the "stomach flu" going on with the little man. Which for some odd reason, has only made him act "ill" at the daycare. At home he is all energy.

I miss work. HA! see ya soon.

in sync

I have fooled myself in many ways during this life. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I hope that I am strong enough to be the woman I deserve to be. And wize enough to make the right choices over and over again.

love is wonderful, and magical, but life is practical. when I can find the right mix it will make the most wonderful recipe.

in-sync and moving forward.

A BlogGoddess

BarnGoddess gave me a Rockin Girl Blogger Nod.. and reminded me of a blog entry from a long time ago.

Seeing as I have to do a write up on the weekend, and not in the mood, I am fudging it. Go visit Barn Goddess. She is quite the gal.

Really Bad Night

That lead to an even worse morning. I felt like sh*t. And the one person I wanted to talk to wasn't "available", which is pretty much the case with that.

I decided to go and get my hair cut and maybe that would make me feel better. I love Leity. Will post a picture when I get home.

I should go out tonight, cuz I am looking pretty good!tee hee...

edit: Okay, do you love leity or what!!!! I really should wear makeup to work. :wink:

Horrorscope

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Your feelings may be somewhat uncontrollable today as the Moon in your sign aligns with erratic Uranus. But don't worry; even though you don't feel emotionally stable now, you're really not any crazier than before. Allowing your mood swings to take you for a ride can be quite exciting as long as you don't try to act on every passing whim.

Gosh. I feel so much more at ease!!!!

Fourth of July

I love fireworks, hot dogs, deviled eggs and watermelon. And this day combines all these and more!!! Be safe, have fun, and celebrate our independance. America may not be perfect, but it beats a lot of alternatives.

Peace and freedom. That is my dream. Enjoy!!!

A Passing

When I walked into my office today, I passed a co-workers door. The door was closed, and the lights were off, which was unusual for this time of day. Also, a small rose plant was sitting outside it. As I read the sign saying, "Please do not remove the personal affects of M.R. His family will come and take care of them", I got a very strange feeling. This person was pinnacle in his department. He is not someone that would have gotten fired. If he had chosen to make a career change, there would have been a going away luncheon on a Friday with drinks and food. So my suspicions were up, but I didn't allow any dark thoughts to enter my head until I knew for sure.

The printer I use is right next to his office. And as I was standing there, another co-worker who is in the office next to me says, "You heard right?". Right then I knew what I refused to believe was what had occurred. This man had been in a motorcycle accident and was killed. I don't know the details except that it happened on Friday. I had to come back into my office for a minute to be alone. I am not someone unaffected by the loss of people in my life, no matter how remotely associated.

Today? Cherish the people I love. Remind them that I care. Tell them I love them. Just this morning I was lamenting the fact I was terse with my child over nothing. I hope I can hold on to the notion that what I was upset about is not so important, and I should think twice about what I say to him. And I have to find what is right for me, no more f**king around. Love? I am SICK of wasting time. I am reminded today of life and how much I do love it. And how lucky I am to have people that do love me in my life. I can only hope that it won't end before I have been able to accomplish the few things I dream about.

Love yourself, call your loved ones, and celebrate life! We are the lucky ones. Thanks for being you!!!!!

The Beach

The ocean is so affirming. A wonderful way to spend the weekend days is at the beach. Sitting listening to the waves, and digging your feet in the sand. Making sand castles, and watching the people.

wanna join us? we are off to the beach. :motor:

Getting Played

Do you ever wonder if everything you have seen or known is just some kind of cosmic joke you have played on yourself?

yea. a bad way to start a morning. I need to get outside. Hope you all have wonderful weekends. I will be around.

:wave:

Your Body

Now if any of you know me, you know that I am a music devour-eee! I love love love the stuff. It's a form of religion if you ask me, but that discussion is only to be debated in "face space". I refuse to expound upon this theory without having music to work with or back me up. Ask any DJ friend about music and its possibilities as a religion. Go ahead. ASK!

So songs make up a big part of life. And different songs are signposts for different phases. We all know that. This morning I woke up with a song in my mind, Your Body is a Wonderland. Now, I am not a John Mayer fan as a rule, but this morning? This song... was... in... my ... HEAD!!!! And yea I got sleep so I can't blame that. There was a mocking bird singing all night though. That was much more soothing that the upstairs neighbor.

Hey smile? I got ya covered (in a deep sea of blankets). :giggles:

One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you
One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

'Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

Damn Neighbor...s

So, lets all take a minute to breath and smile. Someone pass me the sleeping pills. The guy who lives upstairs from me has obviously become involved with a gymnast. They wrestled and threw each other around last night for 3 f*ing hours. Now normally I am not the type to begrudge someone getting their "freak on". But when it keeps me awake until 2 am, and wakes up my 4 year old son TWICE because they were body slamming on the floor? Sorry dude, but you are going to have to move the action to some other location. Momma gets muy grumpy when she isn't getting any action, nor any sleep.

If they do this again tonight? I am going to leave the kid on his doorstep with a note pinned on his shirt.

Dear Upstairs Penis Romper Room Participants,
You are responsible for one day of babysitting due to the fact that you were rockin the floor so hard last night, after the 2 hour wrestling, slamming each other to the ground foreplay, I couldn't get any sleep. And my son woke up twice saying mommy? are we safe? Cuz he thought you were going to come crashing down on us.

I have given him an oil can so you can work on that creaky bed too. You got yourselves into this. Maybe this will be a good contraceptive for you. And you will think twice before practicing for a Vegas sex show in your apartment.

signed,
not bored, not angry, just tired, single mother in the apartment below.

Doubt this will win me any points, or even get to him, but man, I am so tired, i am having an out of body experience.

:yawn:

A Princess

At some point in my life, I would like to feel like a princess. When I was a little girl, I loved fairy tales. Grimm's was a book I read over and over again. I used to create stories in my mind about daring deeds, and far away places. Fancied the thoughts of being rescued from my life to be whisked off to a special place for us. (whomever the other is)

I don't believe there have been many days in my life where I felt like a princess. Someone that was adored for just being myself. (no offense, smile) Oh well. It's not stopping me from living, and I don't feel left out of anything. I just wonder what it would be like. For just a day. To feel like someone else would cherish me the way I deserve to be. Maybe I should start with myself, and the rest will fall in to place.

At least it would be a start. Sort of melancholy today after such a fun weekend. *back to reality*

The parade

This was my favorite picture I took over the weekend. Its going to take a little bit of time to get them all up, but a good amount of them are posted.

Enjoy them. The day was electric! everyone was super charged and feeling a bit on the raging side. Nothing out of control, just a really sensual day. The kids had fun, the parents had fun, it was good to be alive.

Next year I invite you all to come, sit and watch. Then go to the park for some beers and tri tip sandwiches.

Hey Smile, you gonna come?

Solstice Parade

The annual event for Santa Barbra. I am looking forward to getting out of my apartment and spending the day in the sunshine, around people that are in good moods.

Look for many pictures from me the next couple of days. I suspect my camera is going to get a workout at this event!!!! People, floats, kids, drinks, the park, and a camping event after.

Hope all your weekends are sunny, peaceful, and safe. Party on Garth!

I need...

a couple of months at a spa,
a Cali tag for my car
a ticket to spain,
a time to stand in the rain
a smile through a happy tear
a wish from a worthless fear
a babysitter and a long drive
a taste of honey from the hive
a breath from passions sigh
a kiss placed on each eye
a love that sees all of me
a love that loves ALL he sees


and more snow patrol! who wants to go see them with me? SB Bowl. I need a date.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Snow Patrol ~ Chasing Cars

Working Out & Losing Weight

I have become disgusted with my lack of perseverance. The only way to make myself really get on the stick is to set "realistic goals" day to day. And only plan for the next WW meeting. This week, my goal is to lose 3 lbs. I have also put into my task list, making sure to mark down everything I eat. I am going to write a mantra to myself, "a half ass approach provides half ass results."

I am determined to continue working out. I want to have a much flatter stomach come fall. I am not going to make this abs of steel thing happen for at least a year, if then. But i would love it if it didn't hang down from my waist. I can do that! And make my working out so much easier in the process. Its difficult throwing around the weight I do have now when I am at the gym.

This weeks goal: 3 lbs.
Strategy: 1) Write down all foods/beverages/snacks consumed. and KEEP TRACK. 2)Go to the gym every day (except sunday) for at least 30 mins. 3) find something to keep my hands busy late at night when I feel like snacking!(this one is going to take me a bit of time to accomplish, but its on the list.)

weight loss to date: 19.2
Goal: 60 more lbs
Deadline: when I lose it! (ultimately by March of 2008 - a birthday present to myself)
Biggest Obstacle: perseverance, and booze. booze will be the easy one to dismantle. ;-)

Roll in Ze Hay!

Oh my... Can a girl get spring fever in the summer? Cuz baby? I am itching for a roll in the hay.

roll, roll, roll in ze hay! ahem... yea. that!


edit: Do you think I lack a certain nuance to pull off romantic? geez. I have lacked it so long, that I wouldn't even recognize it even if it stunk like a dead fish in a box under my bed. :eyeroll: wooooo azz me.

Smiles

I have been in a real slump lately. Spent quite a few months tying myself in knots over something and someone that I so wanted to make happy. But ended up I wasn't making him happy. And I was becoming a nag about things. So I decided to pull away for a while. And it breaks my heart. Yea and Father's Day? Don't get me started. I have such a difficult time with that. Single mom and all. He will never be in his son's life, more is the pity for that man.

But today? Smiling. Do you ever just wake up and you are smiling? It's such a rare occurrence for me. But when it does happen, the attitude is GRATEFUL!

So thank you smile. Monday's bite, but you do not. ;-)

Sitting in a Hole

So today I was looking at a picture of a friend. He is sitting in a chair, and I am looking at the side of his face. I found myself thinking, Look at me!!! Just turn around and look at me. Then I realized, after that brief moment of sheer uncontrollable insanity passed, he wasn't going to turn around because its a picture for christsake! sighs.

Today, I feel like I have fallen into a hole. A hole that I have dug for myself. Maybe I created it as a resting spot. Or a place to put the things I don't want to think about. Or a place to put things I don't have TIME to think about. After this dream I had last night, I keep waiting for some kind of BOMB to drop on me around 4 today. Maybe I feel like I have to have all the answers before 4 this afternoon.

Damn voices in my head have crawled into the hole and started stirring things up. And I am not sure if I will surface today before I clean up a few things down in the cylindrical, self loathing, put off as long as you can, face reality bitch, dungeon, hole!!!!!

Sighs. I love to love, but today? It's an "All in Vain" kinda day. Why do I even bother... whimper. *goes to the gym to punch some stuff*

Angst.. NOT!

You know as you surf the blogosphere, you see a lot of angst. Lots. Like its "quaint" or original. Its kind of not. And to be honest? Its becoming a total bore to me. I am a lover. I love to love.

Now don't get me wrong... I am not a meshugina pollyanna about it. I know that there are boundaries (which i regularly jump over without abandon, much to the dismay of the less bold). I find that I have to prove that my love exists. Embrace it with every fiber of my being. Write about it. Paint about it. And not sexual love, the kind of love that warms your heart to know it exists. Kind. Passionate. Caring. Helping. Enlightening. Embracing. Forgiving. Opening. Flowing. Love.

Well, yea. Its not all happiness and light. Mostly its muddled and difficult. Full of twists and turns, bruises and burns. But when it all fits like the most beautiful mosaic glass window, with the light shining through for that brief moment in time, You capture its whole meaning. Its infinitive affect on what the world would look like if that was everyday. Overwhelming huh?

Worth every single drop of sweat you put into it. Stop beating the angst horse. We are all pissed off about war, abuse of power, wasted financial resources by our government, stupid people in front of us in lines, and selfish idiots that take shit that isn't theirs. Maybe I am just a star crossed lover, with no real sense of it all. Or maybe I make more than a little sense. But I definitely know that love is the way I want to go down. I hope that my ability to send that message will make a few people smile in my small blip of the universe.

Put the message in the Box
Put the box into the car
drive the car around the world...

World Party - Message in the Box.

I got my MOO's!!!!

Flickr is affiliated with a company that prints out cards from the images you post to your Flickr account. They call them MOO cards. And I ordered some a while ago and got them yesterday! OH YEA...

i have been bitten by the MOO bug! Mini cards of images I have taken. I love art. Don't you?

Weekend!!!

Yes its time once more for the two days I look forward to the entire week. Tommorrow? I am taking the kid, and maybe a friend, to see a blues band that is playing at El Capitan Canyon. They have a summer concert series, and a coworkers band is playing. Hopefully we will get out of there early enough to go to "Game Night". And hang with the cool pholks.

Sunday? BEACH!!! If the weather holds out. I want a day at the beach. sit with my toes in the sand, watch and listen to the waves, watch the kid throw rocks into the ocean... and take pictures of nuns... :giggles:

I hope you all have wonderful weekends. I am feeling exceptionally good about this one. Have fun and take lots of pictures!

good good good good vibrations... good good good good vibrations.. I'm pickin up good vibrations...

Canvas Surfing

I am shrieking inside... I feel so tenuous. I woke from a restless sleep this morning with a skeleton in my brain, and a shriek that kept me from going back to rest. Before I laid down yesterday from a well rested reprieve from loneliness and the pain, I pulled this card from my deck. With a question about a friend.

My question is clearly not answered yet as peaceful as this image looks to me. I see one side as healthy and whole. Open to all that is. The other side of him is a statue or on a cold surface. Stuck to a surface he can not escape. But what is he trying to capture? And is that blood on him? Or is that some warmth that he is seeking? A trance but warm and happy in his dream isn't he? Or maybe its all a dream.

so then I pulled this one...




Whew. That is a damn powerful card. Center of the universe huh? Or is it the center of my world? I have the support I need from the world to move. This is a support system. I hope that holds true for both he and I.

Its all so freakin Harry Potter to me this week (including accents), magical creatures, distant adventures, and all to real fantasy images soaring in my head. Up the dosage or lower it? Or maybe its just like the C/Universe says, time to paint and draw. I must release the demons of creativity that are screeching to be released. They are keeping me from sleeping. Someone has seen and gratified the inner hidden me. Helped me to release this powerfully creative soul I have been hiding, protecting, silencing. Who is she?

Her palate consists of Siren. Mermaid. Wanderer. Nomad. Lover. Mother. Water. Earth. Poet. Provider. Comrade. Stranger. Visionary. Vocalist. Giggly Girl. Friend. Sistor. Child. Woman. In all her complexity provided for your entertainment. It's been a wondrous ride of this wave ridden ocean called me. Got a surf board? Cuz its a good series of swells this week, dude. (and more cali speak) Late.

Feeling Refreshed

I had a great dream last night, in which I saw a mermaid. Thinking that is a wonderful sign. I am feeling refreshed and like I am capable of swimming forward now. And Neptune gave his blessing. Reluctantly.

Now. onward to creativity. be back soon. :wink:

Breathing

refreshing eh? i have nothing to say. i am at a crossroads, and need some time to think. my patience is thin. I need to give it some room to breathe, or else my child suffers too.

namaste

Tommy Can you Hear Me?

Sometimes I feel like I wake up about the time I get out of my car and walk into work. Like I have been moving in auto-pilot. Getting ready. Getting a child ready. Breakfast for him. Lunch for me. What am I wearing? What is clean? Did I brush my teeth? All these thoughts are running through my head while the "getting ready" process is unfolding. And yet? I still don't feel awake or alive till I walk into my office. (maybe its the promise of coffee... yum).

I do have a reason to be rambling about this. I was walking from the car to the back door of work. I looked down at the keys in my hand, and noticed something. On my key ring is only two keys. The rest of the stuff hanging from my ring are bits of plastic that are coded for various places I land during my daily flight of life. The coded tags from the YMCA, the library, and two grocery stores all hang next to each other on my key ring. I laughed thinking that there is more plastic than keys on my carabiner key ring. My next thought? I am awake, followed by the question, when did I become conscious? Then this song by The Who came into my head. Tommy, can you hear me!? Light goes on and I think, good blog entry.


\That deaf dumb and blind kid, sure plays mean pinball!!!

What is wrong with my head!?