The Carrot

I was talking to an old friend a few days ago about life. He was discussing sex and why women used sex as a power against men, the carrot dangle. I pondered and pondered this question. I don't find myself as someone that does that.

But the answer came to me. Women want emotional connection. Men don't find it that easy to go there. We use it as a bargaining tool to get the emotional connection we need to BREATH.

Ponder that my tripod gender friends... you have the ability to achieve and receive with that ONE piece of information. Tell the truth, and try a little emotional connection. Every maiden would then flock to your campfire. GUARANTEED.

Smile

You should always have one. People that take that away from you aren't your friends. They are your enemies.

OMG more delays?????????

Really? This is the longest bus ride I think I have ever been on... And this pissy little teenage princess ogre that is so self righteous turns out to be a thorn in everyones side in this never ending scenery rotation. I think she just keeps rolling the same schizo play out in her head justifying the torture her life is because of her own hand. Her karma is a deep dark hole with spikey spikes.

I hate having to play the evil queen of the castle... but hell, i have a kingdom that needs her diseased shell to exit the stage. The kid says, Mom, you can NEVER hum again. The poor dear has been terrorized. and i have years to  make up for that one.

Today I start again... then tomorrow I will start again... then the day after that? One more day. Thanks for the time off... I needed it! Back to it with guns blaring!!!!

REALLY?

Dude that was basically a ghost boyfriend living in my apartment, you need to change your address. The Police have been here looking for you,  I am getting notices from the State, delinquent account notices and other mail that I am going to start burning!

Sheesh... there should be a warning label attached to some people... FRAUDULENT appearance... proceed with caution!

Decisions

There seems to be a lot more for me to learn about life. I wasn't ready for it all at once, but I am an excellent mermaid, and can ride the tides with ease. I just need a cove for a few days to watch the current before I get back out into the undertow. I need room to make some decisions.

I need a safe place to allow all the thoughts to fly up in the air, watching them like a fairy dance and seeing the colors cascade about in conjunction with each other. Which colors reach you the easiest? Which ones that make you smile the most? Which ones last the longest? Which colors fade and leaving a spot on your retina taking time to disappear?

I want my sketch book, a bag of pencils, a tree and time to make sense of it all... a few kisses wouldn't hurt!

Time for Peace

I can't tell you why some people are more talented than others, creatively. Its a mystery! I know that there are times when I am flowing like a river and times when my creativity is the dry creek bed.

One element through it all is happiness and enjoyment. If I have too much time spent on others or with others, there is a longer time for me to come back to center. When I am centered and not distracted, things flow for me. totally! So the manifestation is to have enough money flowing that i can work on my own projects and get my artistic communication out there~

Yea!!! AND in 6 days, I am going to drive away and really have some time alone to think and draw and be. long time coming.

Comfort

I felt comforted yesterday. Your renewed presence lifted my perspective and outlook. This morning I woke up with paintings on my mind. Inspiration bb.

I am grateful for the circumstances that brought me to where we noticed each other. Stepping out is the next move. Am I worthy? I feel alive with self confidence. There is comfort and I can allow things to be as they are. Yea bb.

Comprende nada

Not sure I understand much of anything anymore... the wind blows, my mind goes, the garden grows...

fighting fears of the known and unknown. life is the present and always moving, sometimes with a turbulence. I want you, and don't want fear to enter there.

you are clearly defined in your wants. maybe i should be more so in mine.

Moment

Words are words. They don't properly define feelings in many cases. You perceive your world through the physical. Five senses guide our radars into the unkown. How educated are you into honoring the instinctual capabilities of you???

Have you run through a forest with your eyes closed and not hit one single tree?? I have. Trust is an asset and never based on history. Trust is based in the moments. Live there.

Grin and eat peaches

No matter what she does you can smile with out hate. Her reality is her creation which will soon be out of yours. BONUS!!!!!

Just buy more peaches.

signature

I am the one
I am alone
I have a friend
I have a throne
I have a laugh
I have a smile
I wish for you to stay awhile.

there is no now
there is no then
I saw a pigeon
I saw a wren
I saw some branches
I sat down to breathe
frightened peacock approached me

I sing the song
I like to hear
a song that echoes
in a mermaids ear
joy is hope
pain is passion
moments spent in prone aggression

colors are bright
eyes will glimmer
the storm will pass
the leaves will shimmer
I have no courage
my will isn't pride
I meet the truth on the other side.


melanie 8/17/12

Administration

I was supposed to do a photo shoot today with a friend of mine. I got a text this morning he was "checked in" to a psych ward.Yikes! I havent talked to him much in the last year, but when I did he seemed ok to me. That just goes to show you how well actors can disguise themselves. I am concerned that the pressures of his home life have driven him out side what he is capable of dealing with.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the creative mind and the processes of that. Some artists have the balance of left and right brain thinking, others (like myself) not so much. Left brain has about half the power that my right brain commands. In other words, the left brain is a nice place to visit, but there is no way I could live there.

Understanding of the power I am capable of wielding from sticking with my genetic code has only become completely obvious to me since I was resigned from my last corporate prison cell. I was on the road to ruin quickly under the guise that I had to have "insurance and other benefits" along with my job. The only reason I used them was because I was sick of sitting there with people that didn't appreciate me for 8-10 hours a day.

I am curious to see if there is a process for us creative types to have some admin capabilities that aren't based on traditional means of input. Worth exploring huh? Maybe I should develop audio task list software, or just have ourselves a robot that can do all that tedious work for us....

Ok i am off to finish up some data entry.. bleck. Maybe if i did it in the Nude it would make me feel more free? lol... sigh... I am grateful to have work that needs monitoring!

sparkly

Its nice that we can just talk and talk and talk and talk. I don't feel pressured or alone, or dependent. I just feel, and thats so nice.

more liciousness please!  and some twangy country guitar music certain to make you sick! giggle...

Stand up~!

You know everyday is a lesson.... Standing up for myself is the longest lesson that has taken the longest for me learned.

I always have felt like I was going to miss out on something if I stood up for myself. I felt I was going to be missing out on an adventure or an experience if I didn't give in to something that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now i realize that its a matter of degrees! Somethings aren't worth experiencing.

Learning my own boundaries has been a LONG process... and i have the scars to prove my battle readiness. I am now seeking the salve to heal the deeper wounds I carry.

I know he is out there waiting for me to soothe him as well... now the lesson of continued patience kicks in. Dear one, please know that I believe you are there, and I am willing to heal you as i wish you to heal me.

lets play!!!

Today

The question I asked, what is the reason I have been through so much trouble in dating. My question was answered with these 3 cards. The path is full of abundance and reward. I am looking for the signs.

I think

So many people talk, saying things they dont really mean... a lot of things they don't really mean! come on peeps, if you are over 35? GET real. Understand truth and speak it, treasure its value and stop raising liars. You are creating a society with an inflated sense of self based on some kind of false media hype. Wear your pants around your WAIST. Keep your honor intact. Use integrity as a sword to cut through the crap, and stop expecting me to read your mind. Your assumptions and expectations are killing the waves of intention for all of us.

Be kind, be honest, be forthright with everything you do. And someone PLEASE give me a break from being a parent.. honestly, i sound like a real nag right now, and i am tired of it.

A new experience

I got to experience something new tonight, a new kind of work I may be getting into! I am excited to start a new phase in my life.. You have to love it when life gives you diversity.

I am believing that something good is going to come from all this.

Trust

You know, I think that I have serious trust issues with humans in general. I won't stop myself from enjoying the love I feel for humanity based on the people that continue to take advantage of me and other people. I do have to learn that disappointment is going to be part of connection and companionship. No one is perfect and we all have challenges.

Its time for me to respect and honor that in myself and others...

Today

You know I put my profile back up on the dating sites. I had some kind of idea that I had found someone, but I think I was wrong, he disappeared. And didn't leave behind any signs of much interest in me anyway.

As I have been out there again, things are different for me now. I don't feel so pressured or over thinking of it. I realize that no matter how perfect a connection you could have with someone, if they don't reciprocate, how could it possibly work out.

My heart and life are too precious to sit and wait for someone to understand that I am a fine woman, with a huge heart, and very few thorns.I am far from perfect, but I am hard working, honest, an excellent cook, love adventure, and a great set of eyes!!

I am happy with the amount of laughs I am going to have now, as opposed to the lack of them the past 8 months have brought me. Hello new world!

Super Powers!!!!

I have realized I have them! Because I dont even need a "cloak" to be invisible...

BEAT THAT mr. HARRY POTTER!!!

boo yea... *wink wink*

SIGH... where are you?

someday the man of my dreams will show up. I will be able to share these feelings.



You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you
Like everything that's green, girl I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you want it too


'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted


Anyone can tell you you're pretty
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight
When I wrap you up


When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted


As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted


And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -
Wanted
'Cause you'll always be wanted

SADlee

Sadly, you have lost your heart
Sadly, you have lost your will
Sadly, you have lost your way
Sadly, you have lost your touch
Sadly, you have lost my friendship.

you know if you just watered the garden sparingly with joy every so often, you wouldn't lose so many plants. just a thought.

my boundaries are back up firm, and you are on the outside of them. as you wished to be, by your sad choices. there is a gate that can be opened, but from the looks of it, you are going to have to really remove the rust you have allowed to accumulate there.

no love lost, i will always care.

Sailing

Setting you free to sail your ship as you wish, and I to find a love that relishes my affections with gratitude, not attitude.

I am not letting go, I am transferring my hope to one that finds me worthy via action, words and deeds. To  myself. As I have done to others, so shall I have for myself. Honor, respect, intelligence, creativity and joy will be shared with a heart that is full.

Theres nothing you can do that can't be done, Nothing you can sing that can't be sung, nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, its easy~  ALL you need is LOVE.

If it isn't bad enough

So to say that my love life is a barren wasteland, is redundant!!!!! And as if the lack of physical intimacy isn't bad enough???? The guy upstairs, now known as the O man.. (O.... O.... O....) gets it EVERY night...

sheeesh. least he could do would be turn on some freakin music! bleh....

WHY??????? please universe... its WAY past time.

Belief

I do believe, its all going to work out. It always has for me. It always has no matter what has been involved in getting me to where I am. I want to believe in me most of all, thats my biggest battle to date. You know I have always believed in you. 


Sigh... A friend that has recently reappeared reminded me of the "law of attraction". A psychic friend of mine, reminded me last week about the "laws of attraction". My coworker Nancy, reminded me... law of attraction. 


Point made. Thank you for the guidance universe. Back to center, relax, work hard, and take care of yourself. Abundance is everywhere. 

Reminder

I am not sure I believe in love. Someone suggested to me the other day, that I had given up on true love. That just might be the case. Am I repeating myself? sigh... damn old age.. sometimes the record skips and the same chorus plays over and over again, till its played out. Its not even love that I have begun to doubt its the magic of all things this universe offers.

I hope I can put that negative Nancy on a horse riding off to nowhere near me sooner than later. Because, honestly? Everyday above ground is nothing short of a miracle! AND, getting to spend it in Santa Barbara? EVEN more so!!!

ah... sweet love of life, return to me with roses and sweet water to refresh my soul.

I know why~

Prostitutes are smart... they realize at a certain point that they are going to get treated like shit by men and they capitalize on it by getting paid.

In my life seems I have paid men to treat me like shit... Possible Prostitute in the making... "Older, wiser, mature woman seeks man that needs to unload cash into my purse for services rendered."

A man from Seattle

Today a man from seattle that I have been in touch with or talked to online for many  years showed up. He was asking me why I never said hello to him. At some point in the past I had deleted him because he ignored me for so long, and gave me smart ass answers to my questions, all in all treated me with disrespect and dismissal. He asked me if i was mad at him, if he had done something to piss me off. I said no, because honestly it had been so long since he talked to me, i didn't even remember why he was off my messenger list.

He was moaning and begrudging life because "women" took advantage of him and used him. Treated him like he didn't matter... I was kind and open trying to allow him the knowledge of the law of attraction. I said things like, "look inside your own life for the answers of why you aren't getting what you want." He claimed he watched men over and over again treat women with disrespect, while he treated them with love and honor. I laughed to myself full knowing he wasn't doing any of those things.  He was probably drinking and feeling sorry for himself because he wasn't finding love at that very moment, feeling disconnected and alone.

On a second note, I saw my most recent ex (we broke up over 2 years ago) for the first time in over 2 months. I purposely try to avoid him because he totally is a mess. He was relaying some kind of surreal story, almost like something out of a science fiction movie. Then in the middle of this conversation, he jumps up and wanders off without even saying goodbye, or nice seeing you. For all times I took care of him, paid for his life, gave him shelter, went out of my way for him, etc... Really? This is why i don't talk to him anymore. Totally disrespectful.

Point being? There is no chivalry left, and its not because of my actions. Men have become bitches and even more self centered if you can imagine that. I have yet to find a man, outside of my father, my brother, and a very few other male friends, that treat women with respect and chivalry. If I didn't dislike women so much, I would  probably be a lesbian by now. Hey DUDES? I am not the reason these other women have lied and cheated to you, or used you or slept with your best friends. I haven't caused you to distrust me at all. I am completely the opposite. I am generous to a fault, and although I may be blunt and to the point, I would never abandon you in your time of need, no matter what you had done. Then on top of all that, when I don't act like a bitch to you, expecting you to dote on me, treat me like a queen, you treat me like i am WEAK and useless.... and have NO time for me. No honest words, no truths or affections... only hey do you want to know the size of my dick? (sigh. not yet!!!!!) OH and the other couple of really choice comments that really go straight to a woman's heart,

I no longer believe in true love. I have given it my all to people I have truly had deep connections with in life, without expectation. I know what love is... I just don't happen to have found anyone  that is still single that does. And after all that is said and done? I still wont be a bitch because that would make me just like most of the men I know. AND some of the women too. Spending their time justifying how and why they treat people rudely because by current societal standards, their behavior is the norm. Spare me. Send me a true soul that is aware of its unique ability to stand up to this TRASH and choose the right path. Choose treating someone else with the dignity they deserve no matter their station in regards to me, or what they may or may not lose in doing so. I beg you universe. Please.


I wish the mother race would come and take me back to their planet... I grow weary of the idiots. Also I am sick to death of feeling all these feelings without having one soul that I feel i can share this life with. 

Faith

I gave into a knowing that went beyond my conscious mind. I don't know why you are here or why we are connected. I don't question things that are bigger than my meager mortal existance... I was put here as a creative channel to believe in what I see and feel despite the smatterings of others. I have lived a long life on a rocky path full of pitfalls... I believed in things that others told me were not realistic or possible. I followed my inner voice through relationships that haven't been kind to me, but they developed me into who I am today. All these experiences have given me a level of wisdom and karma that you can't buy with legal tender.

I have faith in my inner voice, and the guidance of spirit. Its what has brought me to you. Its what has garnished lovely compliments and true smiles from strangers as well as friends. Its made me a part of the worlds family. I am truly blessed and happy.

Today, I felt you there

Somedays I can, somedays I can't. Today you were thinking about me... Thanks for that! xo

dreams

Here is the an awesome dream.

I was living in a  really nice big house, nothing fancy but comfortable and old. 1880's old. Guess who came to live with me? My ex. My babies daddy. You know he isn't a bad man, he is a sick man. He came to the house and we were living together. He had come home from a long day at work. And he was a bit stand offish but seemed connected to me. And in this dream we talked about what was bothering him. He confessed to me that he always loved me and that he wasn't sure if i was right for him because of who I am. He stated that I was a good person and he wasn't sure he deserved me. He also said, that I had treated him in a way that he wasn't used to. He wasnt sure if we would make it because he is who he is and I am who I am (i guess that was his point).

I was so happy to see him (in my DREAM, remember that) and it wasn't a huge sex deal it was just a quiet evening in bed us talking and bonding. so peaceful. We agreed to stay together and make things work because we didn't like being separated. Our time together was so peaceful and wonderful. We just meshed well. and it felt like HOME.

There were other men in this dream. Maybe this dream was about me coming to terms with all my past relationships. Realizing in my way I loved and do love these men for what they are. AND even though they are history for VERY good/valid reasons, they changed my life. Heck one even gave me a kid! thats an awesome gift. Who I am is beautiful and appreciated. Being alone isn't awful, or sad, its just how things are for now. I will have love again, with someone who SEES me for me. And loves that about me as much as I love that about him.

NEXT! sheesh.... how did I get to the end of THAT line?

Angel Card

Ok Todays Angel Card: ROMANCE!!! yea. 

yea baby... Bring on the love. the permanent kind, the one that makes your soul shine, and keeps you mostly in a happy place with a smile on your face. I was a doubter, a long long time doubter. I thought i had found him, but he seems to have disappeared. No worries. I am renewed in my excitement that it is possible for me to have in my life someone that FITS me. And THAT isn't an easy thing. You don't find many that do. I wish he had the staying power i need in a relationship, but i have put up a new sign. Cowards need not apply. 

does patience mean you have courage? good question. tired of waiting.. i have learned patience. time for a new and better lesson.

Outdoor Shower

You know whats on the top of my wishlist right now????? An OUTDOOR shower... OMG... now granted I am not talking about a rain storm or having to take a shower at the public beach.

I am talking full on Hot water pumped bamboo fence cedar floor, warm water raining down on my sunkissed skin outdoor SHOWER!

Care to share? tis TIME!

Nose

Why can't I keep myself to myself sometimes???? Honestly, maybe if i tried doing some volunteer work again, i wouldn't feel so god awful important.. OR sorry for myself.

Maybe it would cut down on the chatter that comes from my lips and fingertips too... I apologize to all my buddies that have to deal with my spastic nature on those days. I hope you read this and feel the love I have for your tolerance.

xo

Romance

Where is the romance? I know that it exists. The last REAL romantic time I had was in September. I was on a date with a man that made me dinner. It was an amazing time. It wasn't fancy, or expensive, or even extravagant. It was peaceful, relaxed and sensual. Things didn't work out, for reasons he never shared with me, but all in all it was wonderfully romantic. And I thank him for that everyday.

Today I am feeling melancholy about things, and wondering when this will happen for me. I am not the   kind of girl that needs big ticket dates. I just want to be with a man that  makes me feel special, and I can do the same in return. Someone I can share love with and laugh with! All the time.

Ok. whats your most romantic moment in life?

Fathers Day

This day is the hardest day for me every year. Someday there will be an air of melancholy about the days we didn't have a dad as a part of our little home. I look forward to that being the case.

For now, I am grateful for the choices I have made and will continue to brave through this world being blessed with a great son!. xo

A huge amount of gratitude to the man that is MY pappy. I love you dearly father.

I dont want:

I don't want :
to think bad things of you or for you.
to hear you beat up yourself or give up on yourself.
You to give up the happiness we feel when we connect
You to say no to living a joyous life.
You to continue this battle in your mind with useless words
You to let the world or the opinions of others get you down
You to forget to treat your heart with the same respect you treat your head.
You to be so shut down
You to have negative bs ruling your life
You to forget what being childlike is and how it benefits life

I do want:
To see your sweet smile.
To hold your hand
To watch a sunset on the beach
Remind you that all is possible
To remind you that human contact is necessary
To talk to you while we lay together
To refresh your faith in who you are inside
To let our connection be what it is... awesome.
Look in the mirror love, its all inside you. What is happening outside isn't going to change your greatness.... and its not holding you back from the love you deserve, you're fear is. Lose the argument of the worlds conditions and believe in yourself again. And watch the change that manifests for you.

I promise to stand with you and not faulter. Xo

Motivated

Today i have a renewed sense of motivation. I don't know where it stems from, but i feel free and forward thinking.

Thank you universe for allowing me the power to stand my ground and reinforce that although i might sound crazy to some people, the way i feel is right on for me.

Get OVER yourself.

I have offered over and over again to assist you in anyway. We all need people to care about us. You looking down your nose at someone who is offering you their love and compassion makes you a selfish idiot and a fool.

Yea Jekyll and Hyde, I am talking to you. Get a grip... its going to be fine. It just isn't as pretty as it may have been in the past, but its just a blip in the long road of life. And the blessing is, it makes you appreciate more what you had doesn't it? Learn to be grateful, not hateful.

I completely care, but thats insignificant to you it seems. When you decide that my compassion and worth is special, you give me a jingle. Maybe I'll answer the phone, maybe i will ignore you, like you ignore me... most likely I will be there for you with a smile, a hug and a day out just enjoying life. Because I believe in you. 

We are all human. We all make mistakes and find ourselves broke down on the side of the road. People stop to help you, give you a hand, pull you up and dust you off so you can walk with your head held high. Pity parties are for pussies. Snap out of it man.

xo

Date

you know, I had a date a while ago... a real date. I think my last real, "man pays for it and we talk" date must have been in December.

I have asked myself a thousand questions about how remaining single is the best. How to show gratitude and remain positive about my current situation. I know that most times in my life I chose the lesser of two evils upon being with someone or breaking up with them. I have always been the sort to stick around too long in waiting for someone to be there for me, like I have been for them. This time frame has grown shorter and shorter as life continues to roll out in front of me.

Universe, I am grateful to have deep beautiful feelings that will someday be shared with another kindred spirit. Someone that laughs easily, loves music and isn't afraid to trust again. Someone that I can nurture and spend time with staring at the ocean or just taking a walk. An artist, craftsman, creative type that follows a beat similar to mine. Someone that is fearless about taking the path less likely and coming up to the top of the hill with positive and affirmative emotions. Someone willing to take the extra step all relationships require. Someone that will share the burden of pain we will each face in our individual lives. A union that was started deep in each of our souls before we met and grows further upon our becoming one. A man, a friend and a lover.

yea. its time. I haven't had one like ever so, I hope my impatience can settle down and allow.  BUT gotta have a date first... learn to talk to one another. lets get this party STARTED~!!!

Inventory

So, I have been thinking about all of my life. Taking "inventory" of all my experiences... and realized that I am a wealth of varied experiences!!!

Oh you wouldn't even believe the places I have been. I haven't been a world traveler as such, but I have been a lot of places and seen a few things. I would LOVE to go more places and have a feeling that is in my near future... woohoo!!!

First I have to get past this hurdle I am facing, but its not an unsurmountable one. Its just a few miles away, so I am walking towards it.

be my guide, be my companion, be my friend. but baby? be there... its no fun alone. xo

NO more rooom mates.

After what I have been through with this person who is not capable of being an adult... NO more... I am done. Seems she is going to continue to try and take advantage of me. I am pulling out the big guns.

Now I just need a little muscle to assist me with the intimidation end of things... whose up for a week stay at chez Melanie? Intimidation ONLY of course.... payment is free meals and massages!

No more WHININ

Cuz really? all it does is piss me off. From other people too! I have noticed a rise in my frustration levels... Thats only because I can see the future and its taking too long to get here! OH, and some kind of planetary "trine" was wonking me up yesterday too...

not to mention the hell of no real intimacy for what seems like a LIFETIME! sheesh. Whats a girl got to do to get some LUVIN!? lol... they say, don't want it so much.

what do they know... giggle. oh shaite. NO MORE WHINING from this point.. Ty for listening.

Test

Universe, I have put up with the men you have sent me to be healed, and nurtured.  I have been more than patient and devoted. I have been battered, beaten and yelled at... I am in need of a healing relationship with a man. I am incapable of feeling disconnected from people I connect deeply with. I feel love and show that love to whomever is close... all we have in this life that is worthwhile is love.

And Universe? Please don't send me anymore men that fuck with my emotions, mess with my head by making false promises or say they want to but dont ever make time to be with me or get to know me.... my heart is weary, my mind has been fucked with LONG enough. Maybe just send me money, so I can sit and fish all day in my house by the ocean with my kid.

And send me useful work... seems thats all I am worthy of in this lifetime, and thats not a bad thing. I don't want to want anyone anymore... thats all. Take that desire and put it in a box until its useful again.

because today? its just not.

Attention

here and now... here and now.. be FEARLESS!!!

How do I look?

Sometimes I need a person here to inform me how an outfit looks. I can't always trust my son's judgement. or the mirrors!

Urban Dictionary

Who just found it? That would be me.

There are definitions on there... yup! AND i found one for Melanie: well a bunch really but this one i decided to share.

Melanie	69 up, 23 down
	a beautiful girl. melanies are too perfect for words. they always have perfect hair. typically melanies are sweeter than sugar and envied by all. they're the ultimate girls. if you get a melanie, never let her go. it will be the worst mistake of your life, because she'll be the best you can ever get. I wish I was Melanie..." "Don't we all? giggle... maybe!

NO matter

No matter how self absorbed you become in your day to day moments, I believe in you.
No matter how selfish you are in your communication with me, I believe in you.
No matter how your avoidance of me makes me feel physically unattractive, I believe in you.
No matter what other people say about your actions, I believe in you.
No matter who or what you choose in this life, I believe in you.

Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be hard either, unless you choose to make it so. You can't blame me for your choices because you haven't chosen me, yet. We have a lot to learn about each other before we are going to be allowed to move forward. Please lets get on with it ok?

I don't mind not being your choice (well i do, but it wont kill me and i wont sit still sulking about it), but you are stalling both our futures with your indecision to get connected and stick with it or move past it. Get on your horse and RIDE dude! The next party is waiting your arrival and you are frackin TARDY and for some reason I am supposed to be your date.. this is BORING me.

Day in & Day out...

Gratitiude. I am trying to fit that word into my mouth today and it is tasting bittersweet. I hope to move past this quickly, and maybe moving my body around would help!!

Two more weeks.. two more weeks... two more weeks... please give me a piece of candy until this cancer is cut out from my living space.

A good song...

Kishi Bashi

I found Manchester... by Kishi Bashi...

The lyrics are beautiful, and the sound mix reminds me of some kind of homecoming. Talent is an amazing discovery at any turn.

Don't you cherish creativity? Its the true expression of passion and thoughts in motion. MORE and more and more please!!!!

Counselor, Friend

Today I had the privilege to help out a friend with conversation. Counseling and feedback. I love her and wish her the best as she is one of the few people in this world that I immediately connected with on a deep level.

Randolph was another. Steve K. from college, Wilene, Donald, Kat, wow, not many others! Life is joyous. Embrace!

Paris

Hello My Paris friend that reads my blog so religiously. I appreciate your watching my space. Pipe up and say hi sometime...

I would love to know you. thanks for making me feel validated, no matter! <3


turns out you could be a "bot"... strange though as you access specific posts... hm.

Friend

some of the truest words ever spoken. the ideas that others have about you aren't based on who you are. don't base your opinion of yourself on their misconceptions of you. 

"Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn't you." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz


remember this baby. always. 

This Idea

I got some GOOD feedback on my idea yesterday. VERY good feedback. I am going to start doing some more research. I think I know what it is I am looking for, and now is the time to really get this moving forward.

So, research includes going to LA to look at some products, talking to some bike makers, and really getting down to what materials would be best to produce this.

Safety is an issue as well. The real deal will be the "accessories"... oh yea. I hope you come on board. It sure will be FUN to brainstorm with you. Might be all that ever happens between us, but our minds are similar so, that will WORK for me. boooyea!

Feelings

i have them. deeply. for you. and your pushing me away. i will live. i wont be as happy about it, but I will live. i was hoping you would be the hansel to come and pick up gretel's heart, bandage it up and treat it with kindness.

I guess some candy wouldn't hurt.

Our Dream

We were vacationing somewhere cold. I looked out the window, and the mountains were covered in snow. You and I were snuggled up in bed, and enjoying the warmth of each other. yea. naked n stuff...

It was a great dream, but i woke up sad, because I realized it was a dream. Satisfied in one way, but sad in another way.

Happy monday all you lovers out there! Be grateful to have that person in your life, every minute. No matter the frustration it beats the "lonelies".

Buried alive

I had an awful dream last night that some negative evil energy was being placed upon people and they were burying themselves alive without knowing it... Mass suicide of people squirming their way into the ground screaming then they were gone.

i have an idea what that is about too... but not going to say it here. I am just going to do a little meditation on it, and move on. Its not my issue but if I can help I am THERE! always there.. just reach for it.

namaste.

blowing a breeze your way.

I think of you often and remember you smiling so keep that part of your energy going babe... :D

Pain is temporary, scars heal.

I have been hurt by most of my previous relationships. I can't say that any of my relationships were one sided in the cause of things NOT working, but the balance was sometimes off as I would always make up for what I thought was lacking by ignoring my desires and give in to the needs of others.

As I have survived these war torn love arenas, there are a few things I have learned. Life is too short to lock myself up in the pain of the past, and judge everyone else based on what HAS happened... Each moment is an opportunity to know somethings CAN and WILL be different this time because I am different now. I can choose differently based on what I am wanting. No judgement, no expectations, no blaming that person for the pain someone else caused me. Learning to trust again as deeply as I can. My eyes are opened and my heart feels ready to trust in someone again and find that permanent relationship I have always wanted.

I am at a point in my life where I want to spend time getting to know someone. Taking time to feel comfortable in trusting another person to regard me in honor as I would them. And to laugh and play! Just allow us to be ourselves and grow toward intimacy that makes us glow from the inside. I have met someone that I connect with deeply, as this person is always on my mind.  Placed in front of me is yet another learning curve, a place where I have found someone that makes me think, is there a chance for more in a way I haven't had before? Someone that intrigues me mentally, physically and emotionally and fits with my quirky nature. I send him little notes of encouragement and trust him to smile when he sees my words. Maybe he feels it too, maybe not. He has to make his own decisions based on his previous experiences, and his choices of what he wants in his life, and learning to trust his inner voice to guide him to where he wants to be.

Analyzing the outside world is a mute point, but for arguments sake, lets explore the influences. My friend tells me to let you go that you don't respect me or have any care for me. My soul says, where did that deep connection come from? past life? My spirit says, he is hurting and needs your help to smile again. My heart says, wow, look at that! Thats so shiny and it makes me smile when I think of it. I want to touch it again. I wonder if he will come out and play anytime soon? All I really want is time to figure it all out and have fun in doing so. I want "him" to join me in that thought. relaxed, open, laughing, smiling, breathing, and being, nothing more for now, moment to moment smile to smile.

SO, plan of action? Trust the process. Open my side of dialogue, trust my inner voice even if everyone else says I am wrong. My inner voice knows what is right like NO ONE else does. I am more than capable of having everything I want and reaching for it is a GREAT adventure! Anytime I find myself in a negative place, I will remember that this moment is temporary, fleeting, and I will be moving past it quickly. Remind myself, that when I get to the next stop I don't want to show up with a frown on my face! I want to greet that person with a smile, a kind vision of possibility, hope and an open heart.

wow, pretty deep for a tuesday. I think I will lay back down for a bit... maybe on the beach!