I See you

I swear my tongue gets fatter when I have to talk to you! I don't think I have ever had an issue with NOT being able to talk to someone. Its cute to see you do it too.

but, I do see you... through all the silence and stammers... I see you. Lets go out and PLAY!!!! I am ready to smile and laugh the day away.

and whats up with the anxiety darlin? light the candles and start chanting....

Expendable

Do I feel disposable? Not worthy of time or of attention? The law of attraction states that we attract to us what we are wanting, do I want people to see me as unimportant? I don't view myself as unimportant, but maybe outwardly I am giving off that energy. I have been feeling a bit run down and tired lately... spirit is giving me the time to rest I suppose.

I have been reaching out. Time to reach within. Put up the mirror and remind myself of all I do and all I am. With a smile and a heart hug.

internet HELL

I love internet dating! I have met a few really nice people... some not so nice.

Today's horror story:
I was speaking with a gentleman that lived in Hollywood. Nice man. One lunch date, we hit it off really well and became friends, nothing more. We have similar minds so it was easy flow conversation. We kept in touch by text and phone calls discussing family life and work. I hadn't heard from him in a week or two, so I sent him a text saying Hey you out there? Reply... yes.. I said, is everything ok? then the phone rings. He is calling...

me: This is Melanie
him: Hello... (a WOMAN'S voice)
me: HI.
HER: Are you trying to reach jeff?
me: yes who is this?
Her: my name is renee. I am jeff's girlfriend of 9 years... who is this
me: hi My name is Melanie
her: I am guessing he didn't tell you about me.
me: No.. didn't come up. Wow. Yikes. But honestly there isn't anything going on between me and Jeff.
her: well blah blah blah something rude and hateful
me: Seriously renee, Jeff and i are strictly platonic. there is no reason for you to be angry or nasty to me, i didn't do anything.
her: well you are among many
me: well, again, like i said, we didn't even talk about anything but work and our kids. so you can drop the attitude with me.
her: Yea well this phone number is going off.
me: sounds like a good idea to me. and thanks renee for calling me and letting me know. i appreciate it.
her: yea well goodbye
me: bye

I text-ed her after that saying thanks again, and instead of dumping the phone you should probably dump Jeff... seems like a better idea. giggle...

And last night, I got put "on hold" (whatever that means) by another man who contacted me via internet.

TY so much both of you for reminding me why I am super grateful to be a single woman. My heart is worthy of much more than this madness.

Plannit.

I just don't get how I let myself fall into the cracks of "daydreaming" and lose track of time so quickly. I freakin need a day planner, as in someone who plans out my day, and I just follow along. I guess that could be me.

Because right now? I have 4 billion things to do and I am sitting on my katoocus at the desk writing on my BLOG!!!! ha.

i got ta move it move it... (whiste n shake)

Lets Unpack.

One fine day long ago, I walked into a bar where my girlfriend was working. I was at the counter writing in my journal. Not long after I got there, a man walked in and sat down next to me. He was with a woman friend of his. His friend gets up to go to the bathroom. At this point, my bar-tending friend says, "I have someone I want you to meet, Jeff." I turn to look at him. The eyes that turned and looked at me that night spooked me. I had a significant dream about those eyes 2 years before I met him. Even though I was intrigued, I ran away. To no avail, he came back over and over again. The universe threw us together for reasons I am still learning today. The few years that followed I lived in a beautiful hell I can still recall at special moments. This exquisite pain shows up especially when I see similar behaviors exhibited in another.

What made this one so special, for one, Jeff wouldn't sleep with me. The 3 years we lived together, he slept on the couch. Another, Mr. Handsome would call me slut in the middle of the night because I had talked to one of his friends while we were all sitting around drinking. Also, he would disappear for days without communication. In his mind, he didn't owe me any type of explanation even though he knew I would be worried, or would have given me shit if I had done that! I paid for our rent, and bills... I was the caregiver. That lead me down a road to weight gain, self sabotage and disbelief that love was a good thing. Self abuse was my lifestyle as I didn't see anyway out at that very moment. To this day a scar lives in me that reminds me to not fall into that trap again. Don't let people treat you with disrespect via their own fears or issues. Do not enable their crap. Be there if they need you with what you can offer, but NOT at the expense of your good heart or good nature.

I realize that we all choose where we stand or sit in our lives. I don't know who was inside my body for those years. I had one or two friends that gave up on me because I wasn't seeing the problems. There is no blame for any of it. Life holds no blame. Part of the issue was not being properly supported/educated to focus, ask for what I wanted and believed I could receive those things without suffering. Or believe in myself at all.

There is a possibility of spending some time reliving past relationship experiences upon encountering new people that enter our circle. And even though I have moved far beyond that space, there is a fear of the "couch daze" making a repeat performance. I look into the eyes of the new people/men I meet, I listen to the soothing tones of their stories. I can hear with an open mind every time, but the minute I cross over that line in the sand towards caring, the little prickly burrs of fear start collecting. I keep picking them off one by one.. eventually these burrs will be burned in a fire created by a love that sees me, we can embrace openly and honestly; a friend, companion, lover, child, man.

I know that I am going to fall in love at some point again. Then, we can sit together by the fire and toss these little insignificant remnants to the past, creating a path towards the freedom of smiling relieved of our residual fears.

Great quote I heard the other day:
Everyone comes with baggage, find someone that loves you enough to help you unpack. 

I am that person... who are you?

why

You know the universe puts people in our path for a reason. And as I sit here in silence I wonder why you have been placed in my path. A choice you made is why we are here. You pulled me in, brought me to you. Now after the moments, where are we? And why do I spend any time questioning it?  Is there a reason you are questioning yourself?

I know how I feel, no questions. Maybe I am not seeing why I don't measure up in your eyes. Would I change to make that happen?  How long do you wait for your heart to decide again its ok to love?

Love isn't safe dear ones. Love is a hurricane, a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a smile, a good luck charm, a reason to have that shit eating grin from a day spent between the covers, a sharp rock that scars you, a splinter that irritates, a brain spasm at any moment when that persons smile flashes in your mind, the eyes that look up at you from the pillow, the whispers you hear in the wind, reminding you that all of life is beauty and perpetuating suffering by isolation is useless.

Walk into the dream darling... take a deep breath, sit down on the hammock and enjoy the sounds of the waves of love that fall all around you, whispering to you that you may not be safe from all hurt, but your home where band aids and soothing kisses are plentiful. you can call me nurse mel! and i can call you doctor... if you are into that sort of thing! giggle...

yea. lets swing the hammock in tandem.

smile...

Interesting that yesterday I ran into all kinds of issues. left and right, and no matter, i was smiling! simple reason for that... you said hello.

I often wonder if there is a test going on that I miss all the answers on. Like how many days can the universe show you where you need to grow before you break down and scream like a hungry angry love deprived monkey. Then the universe brings in all the ones looking to take something from you... And yet? still smiling.

I can do this, today. I can DO this!!!!

the lonely lists.

You know there are so many laws set forth by man in this universe. The 10 commandments, the laws of attraction, the laws of dating, the laws of social interaction, the lists are endless. We all set out to define how we are supposed to be around the others. It becomes so convoluted that you don't know if you are coming or going sometimes. Whats he going to think if I do that. Whats she going to say if I do that!!! How are we going to perceive the next thing that comes down the road towards us? Threat or treasure!? I am so battle weary.

I have spent nights in the arms of people that I loved but didn't love themselves enough to ever really love me. That being said, I am not the type to give up on someone I love. Its caused me countless scars. I am seen as a fool or a sucker more often than not. You ask, how is that helping your life? I guess in the long run it doesn't in regards to the lists. What I know is that I am an evolved woman, ready to give her heart without hesitation to the man that wants it, deems it worthy, see's it for the light it can provide on a daily basis. I am not without my faults. Every peak has a cavern. Every day has a night. I am no different a creature of these physical aspects of the universe.

I am free now to choose a new partner and a new life. Have been for over 2 years. I am walking down that road. I want to believe his honesty, his passion and our connection. Faith... melanie Faith.

My Self

Self doubt is by far my most selfish action. It allows me to accomplish absolutely nothing with false justification. I see it and release that resistance. I am accomplishment.

Question

The question was, success or failure? (in regards to business)

Forecast? Abundance. right on!!!!

Late night at the Oasis

Sometimes things surprise you. Last night I was pleasantly surprised. I am not sure traditional methods are at work here. I have to trust my instincts and gain respect.
Respect is mandatory for moving forward.

Hostility

Today I woke up tired, and then drank coffee... It usually makes me a bit edgy/grumpy. The only bonus to that today was saying how I felt. I also accomplished tasks I have been putting off for a while now.

Now, one more HUGE push next week, and I think that i will be organized and ready to face the "classroom". School starts Jan. 23rd... taking 10 hours? yea four classes.

Don't need luck, need brain support! Diet, exercise and sleep.... BRING IT!

manifestation, destination, beautiful sensation!

The Escape

I was in a room with a man, a stranger. We seemed to know each other. We spoke like we knew each other. When we tried to leave this area, there was danger. Jungle animals had blocked the entrance. We both looked for ways out alone, but ultimately I came up with an escape route. You followed me and we ran!

I finally ended up at a bar in a resort hotel in the mountains. I asked for a glass of water. A man was sitting next to me. He was feeling unhappy and I cheered him up with some banter. They gave me some beautiful water bottles to take with me. He and I discussed heading upstairs together, but I think we walked instead.

I ended up alone in the snow heading to my car afraid, walking through the snow. I jumped in, warmed up the car and headed down the mountain. My car swerved off the road into a leather shoe shop. I went in to shop and woke up.

Juicer

Ok people. A new year and a new challenge. I have decided to really get back into shape, watching what I eat more closely and throwing in juices, thanks to my wonderful parents for purchasing me a breville juicer for my Christmas present!

Also I must consider going a bit more "raw" with my food intake. I have been reading up on supplements for the brain, and what to do there. A very fine lady is going to help me with my quest, Ninaya.  I welcome the opportunity to find the real joy inside through healthier eating and living. Choosing minute by minute to become more clear.

I encourage you all to consider your bodies and what they need to be fed in order to preform in the optimum condition! Day one starts on Saturday!!!