I am writing a blog entry that is a bit of a challenge for me, which actually is awesome, so stay tuned. Todays thought was where is MY faith? AND why am I torturing others just because of some bad choices I made?
As I get older, I find it difficult somedays to have faith. Difficult to believe in people and their word. I find myself grasping for air lately due to my circumstances, and I am sick of that bleeding out onto the other people in my life.
Thank you to my friends that have listened to be whine and complain. Thanks to the universe for whatever lesson in boundaries I have learned here. Thanks to my son for making me laugh. Thanks to a reawakened gratitude for the abundance I have had in my life. And thanks for me finding my way back to generosity and community.
Whats that song, Have a Little Faith in Me? Yea. thank you John Haitt.
Friday, September 28
Wednesday, September 26
Pickin and Grinnin
Tonight while reading a book to my son, I look over and he is picking his nose, trying to cover it with the sheet... I say "DUDE!!!! Stop picking your nose." Then I turn away.
I continue reading then glance back at him out of the side of my eye and he is trying to drop it on the floor by the bed. I said "DUDE OMG I just vacuumed and mopped that! Here is a kleenex. ALWAYS put your boogies in the kleenex so we can toss them."
"ok mom"
I continue reading then look over again and he has his finger in his mouth.. I was like "DUDE!!!! you just had that finger up your nose!"
He says, "nu uh.. I use THIS finger (right index) for picking and this finger (left index) for digging in my mouth. Oh man, that didn't sound right!"
well there's a relief right? ha. we LAUGHED so hard at that...
I continue reading then glance back at him out of the side of my eye and he is trying to drop it on the floor by the bed. I said "DUDE OMG I just vacuumed and mopped that! Here is a kleenex. ALWAYS put your boogies in the kleenex so we can toss them."
"ok mom"
I continue reading then look over again and he has his finger in his mouth.. I was like "DUDE!!!! you just had that finger up your nose!"
He says, "nu uh.. I use THIS finger (right index) for picking and this finger (left index) for digging in my mouth. Oh man, that didn't sound right!"
well there's a relief right? ha. we LAUGHED so hard at that...
The Second or Third Worst Day
So when I was in Art School, yea the fart institute of Houston, I had one of those days where you felt like you were falling off a cliff and you never land. Today was right after that one. But I digress. Let's face this again together, shall we? OOO goody. It all started on a cold rainy day in Texas.
On the way home from school, driving my beloved Super-beetle, during one of those amazing thunderstorms in downtown Houston. Driving, blinding rain. The windshield wipers were barely capable of keeping up with the deluge. Five o'clock traffic was heavy but moving at a good speed. I wormed my way into the inner lane of southbound I45. For any of you that haven't been to Texas, or Houston that's a "four laner"(maybe five?). Im clipping along at an impressive pace, and I hear a BAM. Then that sinking feeling, literally, as the back left tire goes... FRACKENDOODLE... Me, a 24 year old girl starts hearing cars honk and seeing them swerve, skidding on the saturated pavement, trying to avoid collision from the sudden drop in speed in the fast lane. I think I gotta get out of here before I get crushed!
My brain kicks in! OH I know, BLINKER! I strike the wand, the start looking over my right shoulder just knowing they could see me, say aw poor thing, and let me over. Naivety was huge at that time and hasn't dimmed much since. I grab my girl balls and move to the right shoulder over 5 lanes of traffic in the flooding rains. It was kind of like playing dodge ball. Ironically in an orange bug! I get to the right, with a relieving vision of the overpass bridge ahead. Thinking to myself, that's one shot rim on the same side as all this traffic going by. I have NO wrench in the car, but do have a spare. There were NO cell phones at this time in history. I was destined to trudge up the hill to the closest gas station... because I wasn't sitting in that car "hoping" for help.. SEE? naive.
I carry my purse, like an idiot, head up the hill, and make it to the top. Thankfully there wasn't any mud. I head down the road in search of the gas station. A desolate street with abandoned looking shot up houses. A lone young white girl walking through what appeared to be a really bad section of town. I was walking quick, trying to hide the fact that I was an idiot that was carrying a purse, a truck load of men, who didn't speak English, drove by shouting loving terms to me, I just know it. I picked up the pace even more, and as I was looking ahead not down, my foot fell into a gas meter hole up to my knee. I fall forward into the mud. The pain was pretty harsh, but I don't shed a tear. Signs of weakness make you prey in survival town. I jump up and practically sprint, hobbling towards the glowing shell in the sky ahead of me. I finally find the supposed "sanctuary", 5 men are watching this pathetic young creature approaching. One of them was actually in the truck that went by. I tell the story of my sweet little bug muffin stuck on the side of the road with a flat and no wrench. The response? "No habla inglese". OMG. My high school years of spanish had landed in the meter hole. I repeat in english what I had said, then i said "Telephone?" They got that... I called my mom. Told her the story... that's when I cried. They couldn't even tell me the address, so I had to go find that myself, come back to the phone to tell her. She was on her way. I sat down at the gas station, composing myself. The guys must have felt sorry for me because at that point, a man who spoke English comes up and says, "what happened?" I almost kissed him.
We get into his van to try and get back to the bug and fix all problems hopefully before mom leaves. We head out on the freeway looking for the car, because I don't remember where it is at this point. These poor guys. We didn't go too far and saw it on the right side. We crisscrossed across the downtown freeway pretzel to get on the right road north to rescue the maiden. Sigh of relief. Hope is in sight! We park behind it... I go up to the door to open up the car, put the key in, turn it... it breaks off into the lock of the door. I turn around to the large hispanic man who speaks english, he is looking at me, says "You gotta spare?"Really? and if I did would it be ON me? Sadly, NO. They all roll their eyes at me. We all get back in the van and head back to the station.
They laughed, I sighed, and about an hour later my mom showed up. She and I spoke to the guys about solutions. I don't even remember what we decided to do, because we were going to need a locksmith, a new rim, and a tire. At this point I couldn't even think. We got into the car to head back home. Once those doors were shut, and we drove away, I started crying. Probably didn't stop for about half an hour. Thankful to be alive, feeling like an idiot, grateful for once to my mother.
And you know what? Today? Yea almost as bad. The difference between then and now, is that I am a victim of a different set of choices. I will tell that story once its ending appears. All I can say is if I had anger issues? I might have been arrested today for what I would have done to another human being's things, or their person. Because they deserved it. Didn't. Won't. Accepted after going out to find some truths and walking quite a bit. And finally laughed. This story isn't over yet. And I am going to lay down the law now. Its a good lesson for me in boundaries. No one else is walking on me like that again and trying to shame me. I can do this with a mostly rational mind.
I have evil thoughts of retaliation. OOO another story! stay tuned. AND be thankful.
On the way home from school, driving my beloved Super-beetle, during one of those amazing thunderstorms in downtown Houston. Driving, blinding rain. The windshield wipers were barely capable of keeping up with the deluge. Five o'clock traffic was heavy but moving at a good speed. I wormed my way into the inner lane of southbound I45. For any of you that haven't been to Texas, or Houston that's a "four laner"(maybe five?). Im clipping along at an impressive pace, and I hear a BAM. Then that sinking feeling, literally, as the back left tire goes... FRACKENDOODLE... Me, a 24 year old girl starts hearing cars honk and seeing them swerve, skidding on the saturated pavement, trying to avoid collision from the sudden drop in speed in the fast lane. I think I gotta get out of here before I get crushed!
My brain kicks in! OH I know, BLINKER! I strike the wand, the start looking over my right shoulder just knowing they could see me, say aw poor thing, and let me over. Naivety was huge at that time and hasn't dimmed much since. I grab my girl balls and move to the right shoulder over 5 lanes of traffic in the flooding rains. It was kind of like playing dodge ball. Ironically in an orange bug! I get to the right, with a relieving vision of the overpass bridge ahead. Thinking to myself, that's one shot rim on the same side as all this traffic going by. I have NO wrench in the car, but do have a spare. There were NO cell phones at this time in history. I was destined to trudge up the hill to the closest gas station... because I wasn't sitting in that car "hoping" for help.. SEE? naive.
I carry my purse, like an idiot, head up the hill, and make it to the top. Thankfully there wasn't any mud. I head down the road in search of the gas station. A desolate street with abandoned looking shot up houses. A lone young white girl walking through what appeared to be a really bad section of town. I was walking quick, trying to hide the fact that I was an idiot that was carrying a purse, a truck load of men, who didn't speak English, drove by shouting loving terms to me, I just know it. I picked up the pace even more, and as I was looking ahead not down, my foot fell into a gas meter hole up to my knee. I fall forward into the mud. The pain was pretty harsh, but I don't shed a tear. Signs of weakness make you prey in survival town. I jump up and practically sprint, hobbling towards the glowing shell in the sky ahead of me. I finally find the supposed "sanctuary", 5 men are watching this pathetic young creature approaching. One of them was actually in the truck that went by. I tell the story of my sweet little bug muffin stuck on the side of the road with a flat and no wrench. The response? "No habla inglese". OMG. My high school years of spanish had landed in the meter hole. I repeat in english what I had said, then i said "Telephone?" They got that... I called my mom. Told her the story... that's when I cried. They couldn't even tell me the address, so I had to go find that myself, come back to the phone to tell her. She was on her way. I sat down at the gas station, composing myself. The guys must have felt sorry for me because at that point, a man who spoke English comes up and says, "what happened?" I almost kissed him.
We get into his van to try and get back to the bug and fix all problems hopefully before mom leaves. We head out on the freeway looking for the car, because I don't remember where it is at this point. These poor guys. We didn't go too far and saw it on the right side. We crisscrossed across the downtown freeway pretzel to get on the right road north to rescue the maiden. Sigh of relief. Hope is in sight! We park behind it... I go up to the door to open up the car, put the key in, turn it... it breaks off into the lock of the door. I turn around to the large hispanic man who speaks english, he is looking at me, says "You gotta spare?"Really? and if I did would it be ON me? Sadly, NO. They all roll their eyes at me. We all get back in the van and head back to the station.
They laughed, I sighed, and about an hour later my mom showed up. She and I spoke to the guys about solutions. I don't even remember what we decided to do, because we were going to need a locksmith, a new rim, and a tire. At this point I couldn't even think. We got into the car to head back home. Once those doors were shut, and we drove away, I started crying. Probably didn't stop for about half an hour. Thankful to be alive, feeling like an idiot, grateful for once to my mother.
And you know what? Today? Yea almost as bad. The difference between then and now, is that I am a victim of a different set of choices. I will tell that story once its ending appears. All I can say is if I had anger issues? I might have been arrested today for what I would have done to another human being's things, or their person. Because they deserved it. Didn't. Won't. Accepted after going out to find some truths and walking quite a bit. And finally laughed. This story isn't over yet. And I am going to lay down the law now. Its a good lesson for me in boundaries. No one else is walking on me like that again and trying to shame me. I can do this with a mostly rational mind.
I have evil thoughts of retaliation. OOO another story! stay tuned. AND be thankful.
Tuesday, September 25
SHYSTA~
OK... Count down to ecstacy!!! Sigh.. i am awake at 4 am, because at 2 am I had a nightmare that someone was breaking into my apartment. I picked up some HEAVY paranoid vibes (that sounds so californian, eh what?) Sure enough the room mate was wandering around opening drawers, making noise, in the bathroom like 3 times in 30 mins..
Sigh.. THIS has been going on since Nov 2011. I asked her to move out in May 2012. WE had to go to court for removal of her person from my property (remember Pacific Heights? not that bad for sure) So, NOT ONLY has she skipped out on utilities the entire time she has lived here, this is her 2nd month of FREE rent.
I will wish her well as she is escorted from the building. OH yea. PARTY AT MY HOUSE! gonna burn some stuff, dance around doing rituals, toss the holy water, and make a general ruckus. Oh and when you do come? I take all donations of candles and some nag champa... Its needed.
TIME for the return of peace to casa de mellainaise!!!! its ALL good. mwah
Sigh.. THIS has been going on since Nov 2011. I asked her to move out in May 2012. WE had to go to court for removal of her person from my property (remember Pacific Heights? not that bad for sure) So, NOT ONLY has she skipped out on utilities the entire time she has lived here, this is her 2nd month of FREE rent.
I will wish her well as she is escorted from the building. OH yea. PARTY AT MY HOUSE! gonna burn some stuff, dance around doing rituals, toss the holy water, and make a general ruckus. Oh and when you do come? I take all donations of candles and some nag champa... Its needed.
TIME for the return of peace to casa de mellainaise!!!! its ALL good. mwah
Monday, September 24
Intelligence
People are always amazed when they find out I am actually intelligent. Its like, wow you really know how to use your mind. Today someone that I have worked with for over a year now said to me, WOW, you're actually really smart. Giggle.
Well DUH freaks! Why would I want you to figure that out so quickly about me? Then it be WORK WORK WORK.... sigh. And who needs more of that?
HI HO!!!!! Hi HO!!!!! its off to work we go...
Well DUH freaks! Why would I want you to figure that out so quickly about me? Then it be WORK WORK WORK.... sigh. And who needs more of that?
HI HO!!!!! Hi HO!!!!! its off to work we go...
I hate games
I hate people that try to play games with your head. Seriously... I have had enough of you messing with my mind. There's enough turmoil up there as it is. So when you keep asking me to play and I refuse? Its not because I don't care about you (or people in general), I'm just NOT gonna play your game. NOT... keep asking, answers gonna be the same.
You know what continues to AMUSE and AMAZE me about adults, is that 80 percent of them are terrified of saying the whole truth. I have my moments where I remain silent, but if you ask me? The truth is coming out when it does come out. I got nothing to hide... not a lot to be ashamed of. I let go of regret a while ago. Done my penance for the crimes. Although sometimes when I rush into any situation, I do find that I'm the one that ends up losing, because I WANT to believe in peoples word. But then again, thats because people want you to "play their game". Peasants.
BLEH-key BLECKS... fuck all... i'm gonna go be a pirate.
You know what continues to AMUSE and AMAZE me about adults, is that 80 percent of them are terrified of saying the whole truth. I have my moments where I remain silent, but if you ask me? The truth is coming out when it does come out. I got nothing to hide... not a lot to be ashamed of. I let go of regret a while ago. Done my penance for the crimes. Although sometimes when I rush into any situation, I do find that I'm the one that ends up losing, because I WANT to believe in peoples word. But then again, thats because people want you to "play their game". Peasants.
BLEH-key BLECKS... fuck all... i'm gonna go be a pirate.
Thursday, September 20
Inspired
there are a lot of things in life that inspire me. i am so fortunate. despite all the shit life has thrown at me, i see beauty, in every moment, every gesture, every breath. i am so grateful for that.
i looked at the man in my bed today, which is my son, and i thought, what did i do to deserve this? i wish for him.
i hope someday a man finds us that realizes what a benefit our little family could make to his happiness. we are awesome. someone is missing out.
i looked at the man in my bed today, which is my son, and i thought, what did i do to deserve this? i wish for him.
i hope someday a man finds us that realizes what a benefit our little family could make to his happiness. we are awesome. someone is missing out.
Wednesday, September 19
what i learned today
the last time i felt alive was when i was with you. when i hugged you goodbye, i think i knew it would be the last time i would see you. i hope i am wrong... every minute of everyday.
the last time i felt worthy was when my son laughed with me during sushi last night. he reminds me of what life really is.
the last time i realized i had talent was when i painted leaves today, even though i was rejected immediately.
the last time i felt romance was listening to a song on my ipod. and the last song i heard reminds me of randolph. its his sound.
the last time i felt like wanting to stay alive was this minute. i hope that lasts. if i keep listening to music, then I will.
no one ever knows how things will evolve... i used to pride myself on riding the waves. now, i pride myself on staying alive.
the last time i felt worthy was when my son laughed with me during sushi last night. he reminds me of what life really is.
the last time i realized i had talent was when i painted leaves today, even though i was rejected immediately.
the last time i felt romance was listening to a song on my ipod. and the last song i heard reminds me of randolph. its his sound.
the last time i felt like wanting to stay alive was this minute. i hope that lasts. if i keep listening to music, then I will.
no one ever knows how things will evolve... i used to pride myself on riding the waves. now, i pride myself on staying alive.
Thursday, September 13
Scambots
You know, I am a decent person. Generous, happy go lucky, benefit of the doubt, easy to laugh or make a joke. Not bad on the eyes. Sure I have some deep seated issues, but i haven't met ONE person on the planet that doesn't.
Now to the point. So, you talk to people online, you learn who seems to be more trustworthy than others. You learn that there are people that CAN and WILL attempt to take advantage of you. I got hit up by one of them recently.
This man who attempts to make friends with me, seems ok! Lives close not too far from me, nice enough guy, normal looking in the pictures, etc. we become friends. Thats it, just chatting about work, kids and ex's... typical stuff. Tells me that he wants to commission a painting from me for his mother, I was a bit skeptical about that since he had not seen my work but just let it slide and didn't discuss it past the point of, you send me the money, then I will paint it for you.
Sure enough a couple of weeks later, maybe 3, he tries to get me to open a bank account so that he can PAY me... and send money to his mom.. (funny that he appears right now online as I am typing this). Thats when I said, WHAT? Dude, do you think I am stupid or something? Hell I wouldn't barely do that for my best friend much less a stranger. Then it becomes a cat and mouse game... when can you? I am not going to. He: I will send you money to open it. Me: I am not going to. He: how much for a deposit and it has to be THIS bank? Me: (handing him some mental floss and a Qtip) Dude, just because I dye my hair blonde doesn't MEAN i can't smell a scam! I am NOT GOING TO.
Now i have to block him, hide from him etc. People have so much potential to be GREAT but they inevitably end up greedy and self absorbed.
Bleh. I have to work on my gratitude for whatever lesson I was to learn from that hunk a dory douchebag.
its too bad too. he is someones dad!
Now to the point. So, you talk to people online, you learn who seems to be more trustworthy than others. You learn that there are people that CAN and WILL attempt to take advantage of you. I got hit up by one of them recently.
This man who attempts to make friends with me, seems ok! Lives close not too far from me, nice enough guy, normal looking in the pictures, etc. we become friends. Thats it, just chatting about work, kids and ex's... typical stuff. Tells me that he wants to commission a painting from me for his mother, I was a bit skeptical about that since he had not seen my work but just let it slide and didn't discuss it past the point of, you send me the money, then I will paint it for you.
Sure enough a couple of weeks later, maybe 3, he tries to get me to open a bank account so that he can PAY me... and send money to his mom.. (funny that he appears right now online as I am typing this). Thats when I said, WHAT? Dude, do you think I am stupid or something? Hell I wouldn't barely do that for my best friend much less a stranger. Then it becomes a cat and mouse game... when can you? I am not going to. He: I will send you money to open it. Me: I am not going to. He: how much for a deposit and it has to be THIS bank? Me: (handing him some mental floss and a Qtip) Dude, just because I dye my hair blonde doesn't MEAN i can't smell a scam! I am NOT GOING TO.
Now i have to block him, hide from him etc. People have so much potential to be GREAT but they inevitably end up greedy and self absorbed.
Bleh. I have to work on my gratitude for whatever lesson I was to learn from that hunk a dory douchebag.
its too bad too. he is someones dad!
Wednesday, September 12
there
One day I woke up and there you were. Sitting on the side of the bed looking at me, watching me sleep. It was beautiful.
then I realized i was dreaming.
Sunday, September 9
Information
You know there are people in this world that will use information in their own way to manipulate things however they want to.
I have someone trying to get me to launder money for them. Sheesh. I swear that sucker tattoo on my forehead sure is hard to remove!!!!
bleh. bring me a trustworthy mate that cherishes laughter and integrity. bless you baby CHEEZITS!!!!
I have someone trying to get me to launder money for them. Sheesh. I swear that sucker tattoo on my forehead sure is hard to remove!!!!
bleh. bring me a trustworthy mate that cherishes laughter and integrity. bless you baby CHEEZITS!!!!
Saturday, September 8
Dinner
Tonight I went to a friends house for dinner, or should I say a couple's house! They were recently married... I love that part of my extended family! Something always makes me feel comfy there. They are a group of holistic people that love to eat, talk and change things around them in good positive ways. I find that comforting.
I am the odd ball. the squawker. I tend to act out, be the clown... They kind of roll their eyes at me, but hey... Everyone has their role in a community, mine is to make things a bit off beat. If we all saw things the same, the world would quickly go to ruin, in my opinion.
I don't feel at home most places, and I have learned to be very comfortable with that, but every once in a while, I feel at home. Anthony and Drea are my extended family. Its good for me.
Come see us at the Annual OSK Thanksgiving dinner this year! I will be an "ambassador". Guess I better get this body into shape!!! woohoo!
Come see us at the Annual OSK Thanksgiving dinner this year! I will be an "ambassador". Guess I better get this body into shape!!! woohoo!
Thursday, September 6
The Carrot
I was talking to an old friend a few days ago about life. He was discussing sex and why women used sex as a power against men, the carrot dangle. I pondered and pondered this question. I don't find myself as someone that does that.
But the answer came to me. Women want emotional connection. Men don't find it that easy to go there. We use it as a bargaining tool to get the emotional connection we need to BREATH.
Ponder that my tripod gender friends... you have the ability to achieve and receive with that ONE piece of information. Tell the truth, and try a little emotional connection. Every maiden would then flock to your campfire. GUARANTEED.
But the answer came to me. Women want emotional connection. Men don't find it that easy to go there. We use it as a bargaining tool to get the emotional connection we need to BREATH.
Ponder that my tripod gender friends... you have the ability to achieve and receive with that ONE piece of information. Tell the truth, and try a little emotional connection. Every maiden would then flock to your campfire. GUARANTEED.
Smile
You should always have one. People that take that away from you aren't your friends. They are your enemies.
Tuesday, September 4
OMG more delays?????????
Really? This is the longest bus ride I think I have ever been on... And this pissy little teenage princess ogre that is so self righteous turns out to be a thorn in everyones side in this never ending scenery rotation. I think she just keeps rolling the same schizo play out in her head justifying the torture her life is because of her own hand. Her karma is a deep dark hole with spikey spikes.
I hate having to play the evil queen of the castle... but hell, i have a kingdom that needs her diseased shell to exit the stage. The kid says, Mom, you can NEVER hum again. The poor dear has been terrorized. and i have years to make up for that one.
Today I start again... then tomorrow I will start again... then the day after that? One more day. Thanks for the time off... I needed it! Back to it with guns blaring!!!!
I hate having to play the evil queen of the castle... but hell, i have a kingdom that needs her diseased shell to exit the stage. The kid says, Mom, you can NEVER hum again. The poor dear has been terrorized. and i have years to make up for that one.
Today I start again... then tomorrow I will start again... then the day after that? One more day. Thanks for the time off... I needed it! Back to it with guns blaring!!!!
Monday, August 27
REALLY?
Dude that was basically a ghost boyfriend living in my apartment, you need to change your address. The Police have been here looking for you, I am getting notices from the State, delinquent account notices and other mail that I am going to start burning!
Sheesh... there should be a warning label attached to some people... FRAUDULENT appearance... proceed with caution!
Sheesh... there should be a warning label attached to some people... FRAUDULENT appearance... proceed with caution!
Friday, August 24
Decisions
There seems to be a lot more for me to learn about life. I wasn't ready for it all at once, but I am an excellent mermaid, and can ride the tides with ease. I just need a cove for a few days to watch the current before I get back out into the undertow. I need room to make some decisions.
I need a safe place to allow all the thoughts to fly up in the air, watching them like a fairy dance and seeing the colors cascade about in conjunction with each other. Which colors reach you the easiest? Which ones that make you smile the most? Which ones last the longest? Which colors fade and leaving a spot on your retina taking time to disappear?
I want my sketch book, a bag of pencils, a tree and time to make sense of it all... a few kisses wouldn't hurt!
I need a safe place to allow all the thoughts to fly up in the air, watching them like a fairy dance and seeing the colors cascade about in conjunction with each other. Which colors reach you the easiest? Which ones that make you smile the most? Which ones last the longest? Which colors fade and leaving a spot on your retina taking time to disappear?
I want my sketch book, a bag of pencils, a tree and time to make sense of it all... a few kisses wouldn't hurt!
Thursday, August 23
Time for Peace
I can't tell you why some people are more talented than others, creatively. Its a mystery! I know that there are times when I am flowing like a river and times when my creativity is the dry creek bed.
One element through it all is happiness and enjoyment. If I have too much time spent on others or with others, there is a longer time for me to come back to center. When I am centered and not distracted, things flow for me. totally! So the manifestation is to have enough money flowing that i can work on my own projects and get my artistic communication out there~
Yea!!! AND in 6 days, I am going to drive away and really have some time alone to think and draw and be. long time coming.
One element through it all is happiness and enjoyment. If I have too much time spent on others or with others, there is a longer time for me to come back to center. When I am centered and not distracted, things flow for me. totally! So the manifestation is to have enough money flowing that i can work on my own projects and get my artistic communication out there~
Yea!!! AND in 6 days, I am going to drive away and really have some time alone to think and draw and be. long time coming.
Wednesday, August 22
Comfort
I felt comforted yesterday. Your renewed presence lifted my perspective and outlook. This morning I woke up with paintings on my mind. Inspiration bb.
I am grateful for the circumstances that brought me to where we noticed each other. Stepping out is the next move. Am I worthy? I feel alive with self confidence. There is comfort and I can allow things to be as they are. Yea bb.
Tuesday, August 21
Comprende nada
Not sure I understand much of anything anymore... the wind blows, my mind goes, the garden grows...
fighting fears of the known and unknown. life is the present and always moving, sometimes with a turbulence. I want you, and don't want fear to enter there.
you are clearly defined in your wants. maybe i should be more so in mine.
fighting fears of the known and unknown. life is the present and always moving, sometimes with a turbulence. I want you, and don't want fear to enter there.
you are clearly defined in your wants. maybe i should be more so in mine.
Sunday, August 19
Moment
Words are words. They don't properly define feelings in many cases. You perceive your world through the physical. Five senses guide our radars into the unkown. How educated are you into honoring the instinctual capabilities of you???
Have you run through a forest with your eyes closed and not hit one single tree?? I have. Trust is an asset and never based on history. Trust is based in the moments. Live there.
Saturday, August 18
Grin and eat peaches
No matter what she does you can smile with out hate. Her reality is her creation which will soon be out of yours. BONUS!!!!!
Just buy more peaches.
Friday, August 17
signature
I am the one
I am alone
I have a friend
I have a throne
I have a laugh
I have a smile
I wish for you to stay awhile.
there is no now
there is no then
I saw a pigeon
I saw a wren
I saw some branches
I sat down to breathe
frightened peacock approached me
I sing the song
I like to hear
a song that echoes
in a mermaids ear
joy is hope
pain is passion
moments spent in prone aggression
colors are bright
eyes will glimmer
the storm will pass
the leaves will shimmer
I have no courage
my will isn't pride
I meet the truth on the other side.
melanie 8/17/12
I am alone
I have a friend
I have a throne
I have a laugh
I have a smile
I wish for you to stay awhile.
there is no now
there is no then
I saw a pigeon
I saw a wren
I saw some branches
I sat down to breathe
frightened peacock approached me
I sing the song
I like to hear
a song that echoes
in a mermaids ear
joy is hope
pain is passion
moments spent in prone aggression
colors are bright
eyes will glimmer
the storm will pass
the leaves will shimmer
I have no courage
my will isn't pride
I meet the truth on the other side.
melanie 8/17/12
Administration
I was supposed to do a photo shoot today with a friend of mine. I got a text this morning he was "checked in" to a psych ward.Yikes! I havent talked to him much in the last year, but when I did he seemed ok to me. That just goes to show you how well actors can disguise themselves. I am concerned that the pressures of his home life have driven him out side what he is capable of dealing with.
Anyway, it got me to thinking about the creative mind and the processes of that. Some artists have the balance of left and right brain thinking, others (like myself) not so much. Left brain has about half the power that my right brain commands. In other words, the left brain is a nice place to visit, but there is no way I could live there.
Understanding of the power I am capable of wielding from sticking with my genetic code has only become completely obvious to me since I was resigned from my last corporate prison cell. I was on the road to ruin quickly under the guise that I had to have "insurance and other benefits" along with my job. The only reason I used them was because I was sick of sitting there with people that didn't appreciate me for 8-10 hours a day.
I am curious to see if there is a process for us creative types to have some admin capabilities that aren't based on traditional means of input. Worth exploring huh? Maybe I should develop audio task list software, or just have ourselves a robot that can do all that tedious work for us....
Ok i am off to finish up some data entry.. bleck. Maybe if i did it in the Nude it would make me feel more free? lol... sigh... I am grateful to have work that needs monitoring!
Anyway, it got me to thinking about the creative mind and the processes of that. Some artists have the balance of left and right brain thinking, others (like myself) not so much. Left brain has about half the power that my right brain commands. In other words, the left brain is a nice place to visit, but there is no way I could live there.
Understanding of the power I am capable of wielding from sticking with my genetic code has only become completely obvious to me since I was resigned from my last corporate prison cell. I was on the road to ruin quickly under the guise that I had to have "insurance and other benefits" along with my job. The only reason I used them was because I was sick of sitting there with people that didn't appreciate me for 8-10 hours a day.
I am curious to see if there is a process for us creative types to have some admin capabilities that aren't based on traditional means of input. Worth exploring huh? Maybe I should develop audio task list software, or just have ourselves a robot that can do all that tedious work for us....
Ok i am off to finish up some data entry.. bleck. Maybe if i did it in the Nude it would make me feel more free? lol... sigh... I am grateful to have work that needs monitoring!
Monday, August 13
sparkly
Its nice that we can just talk and talk and talk and talk. I don't feel pressured or alone, or dependent. I just feel, and thats so nice.
more liciousness please! and some twangy country guitar music certain to make you sick! giggle...
more liciousness please! and some twangy country guitar music certain to make you sick! giggle...
Friday, August 3
Stand up~!
You know everyday is a lesson.... Standing up for myself is the longest lesson that has taken the longest for me learned.
I always have felt like I was going to miss out on something if I stood up for myself. I felt I was going to be missing out on an adventure or an experience if I didn't give in to something that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now i realize that its a matter of degrees! Somethings aren't worth experiencing.
Learning my own boundaries has been a LONG process... and i have the scars to prove my battle readiness. I am now seeking the salve to heal the deeper wounds I carry.
I know he is out there waiting for me to soothe him as well... now the lesson of continued patience kicks in. Dear one, please know that I believe you are there, and I am willing to heal you as i wish you to heal me.
lets play!!!
I always have felt like I was going to miss out on something if I stood up for myself. I felt I was going to be missing out on an adventure or an experience if I didn't give in to something that made me feel a little uncomfortable. Now i realize that its a matter of degrees! Somethings aren't worth experiencing.
Learning my own boundaries has been a LONG process... and i have the scars to prove my battle readiness. I am now seeking the salve to heal the deeper wounds I carry.
I know he is out there waiting for me to soothe him as well... now the lesson of continued patience kicks in. Dear one, please know that I believe you are there, and I am willing to heal you as i wish you to heal me.
lets play!!!
Monday, July 30
Today
The question I asked, what is the reason I have been through so much trouble in dating. My question was answered with these 3 cards. The path is full of abundance and reward. I am looking for the signs.
I think
So many people talk, saying things they dont really mean... a lot of things they don't really mean! come on peeps, if you are over 35? GET real. Understand truth and speak it, treasure its value and stop raising liars. You are creating a society with an inflated sense of self based on some kind of false media hype. Wear your pants around your WAIST. Keep your honor intact. Use integrity as a sword to cut through the crap, and stop expecting me to read your mind. Your assumptions and expectations are killing the waves of intention for all of us.
Be kind, be honest, be forthright with everything you do. And someone PLEASE give me a break from being a parent.. honestly, i sound like a real nag right now, and i am tired of it.
Be kind, be honest, be forthright with everything you do. And someone PLEASE give me a break from being a parent.. honestly, i sound like a real nag right now, and i am tired of it.
Tuesday, July 24
A new experience
I got to experience something new tonight, a new kind of work I may be getting into! I am excited to start a new phase in my life.. You have to love it when life gives you diversity.
I am believing that something good is going to come from all this.
I am believing that something good is going to come from all this.
Friday, July 20
Trust
You know, I think that I have serious trust issues with humans in general. I won't stop myself from enjoying the love I feel for humanity based on the people that continue to take advantage of me and other people. I do have to learn that disappointment is going to be part of connection and companionship. No one is perfect and we all have challenges.
Its time for me to respect and honor that in myself and others...
Its time for me to respect and honor that in myself and others...
Thursday, July 19
Today
You know I put my profile back up on the dating sites. I had some kind of idea that I had found someone, but I think I was wrong, he disappeared. And didn't leave behind any signs of much interest in me anyway.
As I have been out there again, things are different for me now. I don't feel so pressured or over thinking of it. I realize that no matter how perfect a connection you could have with someone, if they don't reciprocate, how could it possibly work out.
My heart and life are too precious to sit and wait for someone to understand that I am a fine woman, with a huge heart, and very few thorns.I am far from perfect, but I am hard working, honest, an excellent cook, love adventure, and a great set of eyes!!
I am happy with the amount of laughs I am going to have now, as opposed to the lack of them the past 8 months have brought me. Hello new world!
As I have been out there again, things are different for me now. I don't feel so pressured or over thinking of it. I realize that no matter how perfect a connection you could have with someone, if they don't reciprocate, how could it possibly work out.
My heart and life are too precious to sit and wait for someone to understand that I am a fine woman, with a huge heart, and very few thorns.I am far from perfect, but I am hard working, honest, an excellent cook, love adventure, and a great set of eyes!!
I am happy with the amount of laughs I am going to have now, as opposed to the lack of them the past 8 months have brought me. Hello new world!
Friday, July 13
Super Powers!!!!
I have realized I have them! Because I dont even need a "cloak" to be invisible...
BEAT THAT mr. HARRY POTTER!!!
boo yea... *wink wink*
BEAT THAT mr. HARRY POTTER!!!
boo yea... *wink wink*
Thursday, July 12
SIGH... where are you?
someday the man of my dreams will show up. I will be able to share these feelings.
You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you
Like everything that's green, girl I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you want it too
'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Anyone can tell you you're pretty
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight
When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted
As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted
And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -
Wanted
'Cause you'll always be wanted
You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you
Like everything that's green, girl I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you want it too
'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Anyone can tell you you're pretty
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight
When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted
As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted
And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold you hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -
Wanted
'Cause you'll always be wanted
Wednesday, July 11
SADlee
Sadly, you have lost your heart
Sadly, you have lost your will
Sadly, you have lost your way
Sadly, you have lost your touch
Sadly, you have lost my friendship.
you know if you just watered the garden sparingly with joy every so often, you wouldn't lose so many plants. just a thought.
my boundaries are back up firm, and you are on the outside of them. as you wished to be, by your sad choices. there is a gate that can be opened, but from the looks of it, you are going to have to really remove the rust you have allowed to accumulate there.
no love lost, i will always care.
Sadly, you have lost your will
Sadly, you have lost your way
Sadly, you have lost your touch
Sadly, you have lost my friendship.
you know if you just watered the garden sparingly with joy every so often, you wouldn't lose so many plants. just a thought.
my boundaries are back up firm, and you are on the outside of them. as you wished to be, by your sad choices. there is a gate that can be opened, but from the looks of it, you are going to have to really remove the rust you have allowed to accumulate there.
no love lost, i will always care.
Monday, July 9
Sailing
Setting you free to sail your ship as you wish, and I to find a love that relishes my affections with gratitude, not attitude.
I am not letting go, I am transferring my hope to one that finds me worthy via action, words and deeds. To myself. As I have done to others, so shall I have for myself. Honor, respect, intelligence, creativity and joy will be shared with a heart that is full.
Theres nothing you can do that can't be done, Nothing you can sing that can't be sung, nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, its easy~ ALL you need is LOVE.
I am not letting go, I am transferring my hope to one that finds me worthy via action, words and deeds. To myself. As I have done to others, so shall I have for myself. Honor, respect, intelligence, creativity and joy will be shared with a heart that is full.
Theres nothing you can do that can't be done, Nothing you can sing that can't be sung, nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, its easy~ ALL you need is LOVE.
Sunday, July 8
If it isn't bad enough
So to say that my love life is a barren wasteland, is redundant!!!!! And as if the lack of physical intimacy isn't bad enough???? The guy upstairs, now known as the O man.. (O.... O.... O....) gets it EVERY night...
sheeesh. least he could do would be turn on some freakin music! bleh....
WHY??????? please universe... its WAY past time.
sheeesh. least he could do would be turn on some freakin music! bleh....
WHY??????? please universe... its WAY past time.
Thursday, July 5
Belief
I do believe, its all going to work out. It always has for me. It always has no matter what has been involved in getting me to where I am. I want to believe in me most of all, thats my biggest battle to date. You know I have always believed in you.
Sigh... A friend that has recently reappeared reminded me of the "law of attraction". A psychic friend of mine, reminded me last week about the "laws of attraction". My coworker Nancy, reminded me... law of attraction.
Point made. Thank you for the guidance universe. Back to center, relax, work hard, and take care of yourself. Abundance is everywhere.
Sigh... A friend that has recently reappeared reminded me of the "law of attraction". A psychic friend of mine, reminded me last week about the "laws of attraction". My coworker Nancy, reminded me... law of attraction.
Point made. Thank you for the guidance universe. Back to center, relax, work hard, and take care of yourself. Abundance is everywhere.
Wednesday, July 4
Reminder
I am not sure I believe in love. Someone suggested to me the other day, that I had given up on true love. That just might be the case. Am I repeating myself? sigh... damn old age.. sometimes the record skips and the same chorus plays over and over again, till its played out. Its not even love that I have begun to doubt its the magic of all things this universe offers.
I hope I can put that negative Nancy on a horse riding off to nowhere near me sooner than later. Because, honestly? Everyday above ground is nothing short of a miracle! AND, getting to spend it in Santa Barbara? EVEN more so!!!
ah... sweet love of life, return to me with roses and sweet water to refresh my soul.
I hope I can put that negative Nancy on a horse riding off to nowhere near me sooner than later. Because, honestly? Everyday above ground is nothing short of a miracle! AND, getting to spend it in Santa Barbara? EVEN more so!!!
ah... sweet love of life, return to me with roses and sweet water to refresh my soul.
Tuesday, July 3
I know why~
Prostitutes are smart... they realize at a certain point that they are going to get treated like shit by men and they capitalize on it by getting paid.
In my life seems I have paid men to treat me like shit... Possible Prostitute in the making... "Older, wiser, mature woman seeks man that needs to unload cash into my purse for services rendered."
In my life seems I have paid men to treat me like shit... Possible Prostitute in the making... "Older, wiser, mature woman seeks man that needs to unload cash into my purse for services rendered."
Sunday, July 1
A man from Seattle
Today a man from seattle that I have been in touch with or talked to online for many years showed up. He was asking me why I never said hello to him. At some point in the past I had deleted him because he ignored me for so long, and gave me smart ass answers to my questions, all in all treated me with disrespect and dismissal. He asked me if i was mad at him, if he had done something to piss me off. I said no, because honestly it had been so long since he talked to me, i didn't even remember why he was off my messenger list.
He was moaning and begrudging life because "women" took advantage of him and used him. Treated him like he didn't matter... I was kind and open trying to allow him the knowledge of the law of attraction. I said things like, "look inside your own life for the answers of why you aren't getting what you want." He claimed he watched men over and over again treat women with disrespect, while he treated them with love and honor. I laughed to myself full knowing he wasn't doing any of those things. He was probably drinking and feeling sorry for himself because he wasn't finding love at that very moment, feeling disconnected and alone.
On a second note, I saw my most recent ex (we broke up over 2 years ago) for the first time in over 2 months. I purposely try to avoid him because he totally is a mess. He was relaying some kind of surreal story, almost like something out of a science fiction movie. Then in the middle of this conversation, he jumps up and wanders off without even saying goodbye, or nice seeing you. For all times I took care of him, paid for his life, gave him shelter, went out of my way for him, etc... Really? This is why i don't talk to him anymore. Totally disrespectful.
Point being? There is no chivalry left, and its not because of my actions. Men have become bitches and even more self centered if you can imagine that. I have yet to find a man, outside of my father, my brother, and a very few other male friends, that treat women with respect and chivalry. If I didn't dislike women so much, I would probably be a lesbian by now. Hey DUDES? I am not the reason these other women have lied and cheated to you, or used you or slept with your best friends. I haven't caused you to distrust me at all. I am completely the opposite. I am generous to a fault, and although I may be blunt and to the point, I would never abandon you in your time of need, no matter what you had done. Then on top of all that, when I don't act like a bitch to you, expecting you to dote on me, treat me like a queen, you treat me like i am WEAK and useless.... and have NO time for me. No honest words, no truths or affections... only hey do you want to know the size of my dick? (sigh. not yet!!!!!) OH and the other couple of really choice comments that really go straight to a woman's heart,
I no longer believe in true love. I have given it my all to people I have truly had deep connections with in life, without expectation. I know what love is... I just don't happen to have found anyone that is still single that does. And after all that is said and done? I still wont be a bitch because that would make me just like most of the men I know. AND some of the women too. Spending their time justifying how and why they treat people rudely because by current societal standards, their behavior is the norm. Spare me. Send me a true soul that is aware of its unique ability to stand up to this TRASH and choose the right path. Choose treating someone else with the dignity they deserve no matter their station in regards to me, or what they may or may not lose in doing so. I beg you universe. Please.
I wish the mother race would come and take me back to their planet... I grow weary of the idiots. Also I am sick to death of feeling all these feelings without having one soul that I feel i can share this life with.
He was moaning and begrudging life because "women" took advantage of him and used him. Treated him like he didn't matter... I was kind and open trying to allow him the knowledge of the law of attraction. I said things like, "look inside your own life for the answers of why you aren't getting what you want." He claimed he watched men over and over again treat women with disrespect, while he treated them with love and honor. I laughed to myself full knowing he wasn't doing any of those things. He was probably drinking and feeling sorry for himself because he wasn't finding love at that very moment, feeling disconnected and alone.
On a second note, I saw my most recent ex (we broke up over 2 years ago) for the first time in over 2 months. I purposely try to avoid him because he totally is a mess. He was relaying some kind of surreal story, almost like something out of a science fiction movie. Then in the middle of this conversation, he jumps up and wanders off without even saying goodbye, or nice seeing you. For all times I took care of him, paid for his life, gave him shelter, went out of my way for him, etc... Really? This is why i don't talk to him anymore. Totally disrespectful.
Point being? There is no chivalry left, and its not because of my actions. Men have become bitches and even more self centered if you can imagine that. I have yet to find a man, outside of my father, my brother, and a very few other male friends, that treat women with respect and chivalry. If I didn't dislike women so much, I would probably be a lesbian by now. Hey DUDES? I am not the reason these other women have lied and cheated to you, or used you or slept with your best friends. I haven't caused you to distrust me at all. I am completely the opposite. I am generous to a fault, and although I may be blunt and to the point, I would never abandon you in your time of need, no matter what you had done. Then on top of all that, when I don't act like a bitch to you, expecting you to dote on me, treat me like a queen, you treat me like i am WEAK and useless.... and have NO time for me. No honest words, no truths or affections... only hey do you want to know the size of my dick? (sigh. not yet!!!!!) OH and the other couple of really choice comments that really go straight to a woman's heart,
I no longer believe in true love. I have given it my all to people I have truly had deep connections with in life, without expectation. I know what love is... I just don't happen to have found anyone that is still single that does. And after all that is said and done? I still wont be a bitch because that would make me just like most of the men I know. AND some of the women too. Spending their time justifying how and why they treat people rudely because by current societal standards, their behavior is the norm. Spare me. Send me a true soul that is aware of its unique ability to stand up to this TRASH and choose the right path. Choose treating someone else with the dignity they deserve no matter their station in regards to me, or what they may or may not lose in doing so. I beg you universe. Please.
I wish the mother race would come and take me back to their planet... I grow weary of the idiots. Also I am sick to death of feeling all these feelings without having one soul that I feel i can share this life with.
Faith
I gave into a knowing that went beyond my conscious mind. I don't know why you are here or why we are connected. I don't question things that are bigger than my meager mortal existance... I was put here as a creative channel to believe in what I see and feel despite the smatterings of others. I have lived a long life on a rocky path full of pitfalls... I believed in things that others told me were not realistic or possible. I followed my inner voice through relationships that haven't been kind to me, but they developed me into who I am today. All these experiences have given me a level of wisdom and karma that you can't buy with legal tender.
I have faith in my inner voice, and the guidance of spirit. Its what has brought me to you. Its what has garnished lovely compliments and true smiles from strangers as well as friends. Its made me a part of the worlds family. I am truly blessed and happy.
I have faith in my inner voice, and the guidance of spirit. Its what has brought me to you. Its what has garnished lovely compliments and true smiles from strangers as well as friends. Its made me a part of the worlds family. I am truly blessed and happy.
Today, I felt you there
Somedays I can, somedays I can't. Today you were thinking about me... Thanks for that! xo
Saturday, June 23
dreams
Here is the an awesome dream.
I was living in a really nice big house, nothing fancy but comfortable and old. 1880's old. Guess who came to live with me? My ex. My babies daddy. You know he isn't a bad man, he is a sick man. He came to the house and we were living together. He had come home from a long day at work. And he was a bit stand offish but seemed connected to me. And in this dream we talked about what was bothering him. He confessed to me that he always loved me and that he wasn't sure if i was right for him because of who I am. He stated that I was a good person and he wasn't sure he deserved me. He also said, that I had treated him in a way that he wasn't used to. He wasnt sure if we would make it because he is who he is and I am who I am (i guess that was his point).
I was so happy to see him (in my DREAM, remember that) and it wasn't a huge sex deal it was just a quiet evening in bed us talking and bonding. so peaceful. We agreed to stay together and make things work because we didn't like being separated. Our time together was so peaceful and wonderful. We just meshed well. and it felt like HOME.
There were other men in this dream. Maybe this dream was about me coming to terms with all my past relationships. Realizing in my way I loved and do love these men for what they are. AND even though they are history for VERY good/valid reasons, they changed my life. Heck one even gave me a kid! thats an awesome gift. Who I am is beautiful and appreciated. Being alone isn't awful, or sad, its just how things are for now. I will have love again, with someone who SEES me for me. And loves that about me as much as I love that about him.
NEXT! sheesh.... how did I get to the end of THAT line?
I was living in a really nice big house, nothing fancy but comfortable and old. 1880's old. Guess who came to live with me? My ex. My babies daddy. You know he isn't a bad man, he is a sick man. He came to the house and we were living together. He had come home from a long day at work. And he was a bit stand offish but seemed connected to me. And in this dream we talked about what was bothering him. He confessed to me that he always loved me and that he wasn't sure if i was right for him because of who I am. He stated that I was a good person and he wasn't sure he deserved me. He also said, that I had treated him in a way that he wasn't used to. He wasnt sure if we would make it because he is who he is and I am who I am (i guess that was his point).
I was so happy to see him (in my DREAM, remember that) and it wasn't a huge sex deal it was just a quiet evening in bed us talking and bonding. so peaceful. We agreed to stay together and make things work because we didn't like being separated. Our time together was so peaceful and wonderful. We just meshed well. and it felt like HOME.
There were other men in this dream. Maybe this dream was about me coming to terms with all my past relationships. Realizing in my way I loved and do love these men for what they are. AND even though they are history for VERY good/valid reasons, they changed my life. Heck one even gave me a kid! thats an awesome gift. Who I am is beautiful and appreciated. Being alone isn't awful, or sad, its just how things are for now. I will have love again, with someone who SEES me for me. And loves that about me as much as I love that about him.
NEXT! sheesh.... how did I get to the end of THAT line?
Friday, June 22
Angel Card
Ok Todays Angel Card: ROMANCE!!! yea.
yea baby... Bring on the love. the permanent kind, the one that makes your soul shine, and keeps you mostly in a happy place with a smile on your face. I was a doubter, a long long time doubter. I thought i had found him, but he seems to have disappeared. No worries. I am renewed in my excitement that it is possible for me to have in my life someone that FITS me. And THAT isn't an easy thing. You don't find many that do. I wish he had the staying power i need in a relationship, but i have put up a new sign. Cowards need not apply.
does patience mean you have courage? good question. tired of waiting.. i have learned patience. time for a new and better lesson.
Thursday, June 21
Outdoor Shower
You know whats on the top of my wishlist right now????? An OUTDOOR shower... OMG... now granted I am not talking about a rain storm or having to take a shower at the public beach.
I am talking full on Hot water pumped bamboo fence cedar floor, warm water raining down on my sunkissed skin outdoor SHOWER!
Care to share? tis TIME!
I am talking full on Hot water pumped bamboo fence cedar floor, warm water raining down on my sunkissed skin outdoor SHOWER!
Care to share? tis TIME!
Tuesday, June 19
Nose
Why can't I keep myself to myself sometimes???? Honestly, maybe if i tried doing some volunteer work again, i wouldn't feel so god awful important.. OR sorry for myself.
Maybe it would cut down on the chatter that comes from my lips and fingertips too... I apologize to all my buddies that have to deal with my spastic nature on those days. I hope you read this and feel the love I have for your tolerance.
xo
Maybe it would cut down on the chatter that comes from my lips and fingertips too... I apologize to all my buddies that have to deal with my spastic nature on those days. I hope you read this and feel the love I have for your tolerance.
xo
Romance
Where is the romance? I know that it exists. The last REAL romantic time I had was in September. I was on a date with a man that made me dinner. It was an amazing time. It wasn't fancy, or expensive, or even extravagant. It was peaceful, relaxed and sensual. Things didn't work out, for reasons he never shared with me, but all in all it was wonderfully romantic. And I thank him for that everyday.
Today I am feeling melancholy about things, and wondering when this will happen for me. I am not the kind of girl that needs big ticket dates. I just want to be with a man that makes me feel special, and I can do the same in return. Someone I can share love with and laugh with! All the time.
Ok. whats your most romantic moment in life?
Today I am feeling melancholy about things, and wondering when this will happen for me. I am not the kind of girl that needs big ticket dates. I just want to be with a man that makes me feel special, and I can do the same in return. Someone I can share love with and laugh with! All the time.
Ok. whats your most romantic moment in life?
Sunday, June 17
Fathers Day
This day is the hardest day for me every year. Someday there will be an air of melancholy about the days we didn't have a dad as a part of our little home. I look forward to that being the case.
For now, I am grateful for the choices I have made and will continue to brave through this world being blessed with a great son!. xo
A huge amount of gratitude to the man that is MY pappy. I love you dearly father.
For now, I am grateful for the choices I have made and will continue to brave through this world being blessed with a great son!. xo
A huge amount of gratitude to the man that is MY pappy. I love you dearly father.
Thursday, June 14
I dont want:
I don't want :
to think bad things of you or for you.
to hear you beat up yourself or give up on yourself.
You to give up the happiness we feel when we connect
You to say no to living a joyous life.
You to continue this battle in your mind with useless words
You to let the world or the opinions of others get you down
You to forget to treat your heart with the same respect you treat your head.
You to be so shut down
You to have negative bs ruling your life
You to forget what being childlike is and how it benefits life
I do want:
To see your sweet smile.
To hold your hand
To watch a sunset on the beach
Remind you that all is possible
To remind you that human contact is necessary
To talk to you while we lay together
To refresh your faith in who you are inside
To let our connection be what it is... awesome.
Look in the mirror love, its all inside you. What is happening outside isn't going to change your greatness.... and its not holding you back from the love you deserve, you're fear is. Lose the argument of the worlds conditions and believe in yourself again. And watch the change that manifests for you.
I promise to stand with you and not faulter. Xo
to think bad things of you or for you.
to hear you beat up yourself or give up on yourself.
You to give up the happiness we feel when we connect
You to say no to living a joyous life.
You to continue this battle in your mind with useless words
You to let the world or the opinions of others get you down
You to forget to treat your heart with the same respect you treat your head.
You to be so shut down
You to have negative bs ruling your life
You to forget what being childlike is and how it benefits life
I do want:
To see your sweet smile.
To hold your hand
To watch a sunset on the beach
Remind you that all is possible
To remind you that human contact is necessary
To talk to you while we lay together
To refresh your faith in who you are inside
To let our connection be what it is... awesome.
Look in the mirror love, its all inside you. What is happening outside isn't going to change your greatness.... and its not holding you back from the love you deserve, you're fear is. Lose the argument of the worlds conditions and believe in yourself again. And watch the change that manifests for you.
I promise to stand with you and not faulter. Xo
Wednesday, June 13
Motivated
Today i have a renewed sense of motivation. I don't know where it stems from, but i feel free and forward thinking.
Thank you universe for allowing me the power to stand my ground and reinforce that although i might sound crazy to some people, the way i feel is right on for me.
Thank you universe for allowing me the power to stand my ground and reinforce that although i might sound crazy to some people, the way i feel is right on for me.
Get OVER yourself.
I have offered over and over again to assist you in anyway. We all need people to care about us. You looking down your nose at someone who is offering you their love and compassion makes you a selfish idiot and a fool.
Yea Jekyll and Hyde, I am talking to you. Get a grip... its going to be fine. It just isn't as pretty as it may have been in the past, but its just a blip in the long road of life. And the blessing is, it makes you appreciate more what you had doesn't it? Learn to be grateful, not hateful.
I completely care, but thats insignificant to you it seems. When you decide that my compassion and worth is special, you give me a jingle. Maybe I'll answer the phone, maybe i will ignore you, like you ignore me... most likely I will be there for you with a smile, a hug and a day out just enjoying life. Because I believe in you.
We are all human. We all make mistakes and find ourselves broke down on the side of the road. People stop to help you, give you a hand, pull you up and dust you off so you can walk with your head held high. Pity parties are for pussies. Snap out of it man.
xo
Sunday, June 10
Date
you know, I had a date a while ago... a real date. I think my last real, "man pays for it and we talk" date must have been in December.
I have asked myself a thousand questions about how remaining single is the best. How to show gratitude and remain positive about my current situation. I know that most times in my life I chose the lesser of two evils upon being with someone or breaking up with them. I have always been the sort to stick around too long in waiting for someone to be there for me, like I have been for them. This time frame has grown shorter and shorter as life continues to roll out in front of me.
Universe, I am grateful to have deep beautiful feelings that will someday be shared with another kindred spirit. Someone that laughs easily, loves music and isn't afraid to trust again. Someone that I can nurture and spend time with staring at the ocean or just taking a walk. An artist, craftsman, creative type that follows a beat similar to mine. Someone that is fearless about taking the path less likely and coming up to the top of the hill with positive and affirmative emotions. Someone willing to take the extra step all relationships require. Someone that will share the burden of pain we will each face in our individual lives. A union that was started deep in each of our souls before we met and grows further upon our becoming one. A man, a friend and a lover.
yea. its time. I haven't had one like ever so, I hope my impatience can settle down and allow. BUT gotta have a date first... learn to talk to one another. lets get this party STARTED~!!!
I have asked myself a thousand questions about how remaining single is the best. How to show gratitude and remain positive about my current situation. I know that most times in my life I chose the lesser of two evils upon being with someone or breaking up with them. I have always been the sort to stick around too long in waiting for someone to be there for me, like I have been for them. This time frame has grown shorter and shorter as life continues to roll out in front of me.
Universe, I am grateful to have deep beautiful feelings that will someday be shared with another kindred spirit. Someone that laughs easily, loves music and isn't afraid to trust again. Someone that I can nurture and spend time with staring at the ocean or just taking a walk. An artist, craftsman, creative type that follows a beat similar to mine. Someone that is fearless about taking the path less likely and coming up to the top of the hill with positive and affirmative emotions. Someone willing to take the extra step all relationships require. Someone that will share the burden of pain we will each face in our individual lives. A union that was started deep in each of our souls before we met and grows further upon our becoming one. A man, a friend and a lover.
yea. its time. I haven't had one like ever so, I hope my impatience can settle down and allow. BUT gotta have a date first... learn to talk to one another. lets get this party STARTED~!!!
Saturday, June 9
Inventory
So, I have been thinking about all of my life. Taking "inventory" of all my experiences... and realized that I am a wealth of varied experiences!!!
Oh you wouldn't even believe the places I have been. I haven't been a world traveler as such, but I have been a lot of places and seen a few things. I would LOVE to go more places and have a feeling that is in my near future... woohoo!!!
First I have to get past this hurdle I am facing, but its not an unsurmountable one. Its just a few miles away, so I am walking towards it.
be my guide, be my companion, be my friend. but baby? be there... its no fun alone. xo
Oh you wouldn't even believe the places I have been. I haven't been a world traveler as such, but I have been a lot of places and seen a few things. I would LOVE to go more places and have a feeling that is in my near future... woohoo!!!
First I have to get past this hurdle I am facing, but its not an unsurmountable one. Its just a few miles away, so I am walking towards it.
be my guide, be my companion, be my friend. but baby? be there... its no fun alone. xo
Monday, June 4
NO more rooom mates.
After what I have been through with this person who is not capable of being an adult... NO more... I am done. Seems she is going to continue to try and take advantage of me. I am pulling out the big guns.
Now I just need a little muscle to assist me with the intimidation end of things... whose up for a week stay at chez Melanie? Intimidation ONLY of course.... payment is free meals and massages!
Now I just need a little muscle to assist me with the intimidation end of things... whose up for a week stay at chez Melanie? Intimidation ONLY of course.... payment is free meals and massages!
Thursday, May 31
No more WHININ
Cuz really? all it does is piss me off. From other people too! I have noticed a rise in my frustration levels... Thats only because I can see the future and its taking too long to get here! OH, and some kind of planetary "trine" was wonking me up yesterday too...
not to mention the hell of no real intimacy for what seems like a LIFETIME! sheesh. Whats a girl got to do to get some LUVIN!? lol... they say, don't want it so much.
what do they know... giggle. oh shaite. NO MORE WHINING from this point.. Ty for listening.
not to mention the hell of no real intimacy for what seems like a LIFETIME! sheesh. Whats a girl got to do to get some LUVIN!? lol... they say, don't want it so much.
what do they know... giggle. oh shaite. NO MORE WHINING from this point.. Ty for listening.
Wednesday, May 30
Test
Universe, I have put up with the men you have sent me to be healed, and nurtured. I have been more than patient and devoted. I have been battered, beaten and yelled at... I am in need of a healing relationship with a man. I am incapable of feeling disconnected from people I connect deeply with. I feel love and show that love to whomever is close... all we have in this life that is worthwhile is love.
And Universe? Please don't send me anymore men that fuck with my emotions, mess with my head by making false promises or say they want to but dont ever make time to be with me or get to know me.... my heart is weary, my mind has been fucked with LONG enough. Maybe just send me money, so I can sit and fish all day in my house by the ocean with my kid.
And send me useful work... seems thats all I am worthy of in this lifetime, and thats not a bad thing. I don't want to want anyone anymore... thats all. Take that desire and put it in a box until its useful again.
because today? its just not.
And Universe? Please don't send me anymore men that fuck with my emotions, mess with my head by making false promises or say they want to but dont ever make time to be with me or get to know me.... my heart is weary, my mind has been fucked with LONG enough. Maybe just send me money, so I can sit and fish all day in my house by the ocean with my kid.
And send me useful work... seems thats all I am worthy of in this lifetime, and thats not a bad thing. I don't want to want anyone anymore... thats all. Take that desire and put it in a box until its useful again.
because today? its just not.
Monday, May 28
Sunday, May 27
How do I look?
Sometimes I need a person here to inform me how an outfit looks. I can't always trust my son's judgement. or the mirrors!
Tuesday, May 22
Urban Dictionary
Who just found it? That would be me.
There are definitions on there... yup! AND i found one for Melanie: well a bunch really but this one i decided to share.
There are definitions on there... yup! AND i found one for Melanie: well a bunch really but this one i decided to share.
| Melanie | 69 up, 23 down | |
a beautiful girl. melanies are too perfect for words. they always have perfect hair. typically melanies are sweeter than sugar and envied by all. they're the ultimate girls. if you get a melanie, never let her go. it will be the worst mistake of your life, because she'll be the best you can ever get.
I wish I was Melanie..." "Don't we all?
giggle... maybe!
| ||
Sunday, May 20
NO matter
No matter how self absorbed you become in your day to day moments, I believe in you.
No matter how selfish you are in your communication with me, I believe in you.
No matter how your avoidance of me makes me feel physically unattractive, I believe in you.
No matter what other people say about your actions, I believe in you.
No matter who or what you choose in this life, I believe in you.
Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be hard either, unless you choose to make it so. You can't blame me for your choices because you haven't chosen me, yet. We have a lot to learn about each other before we are going to be allowed to move forward. Please lets get on with it ok?
I don't mind not being your choice (well i do, but it wont kill me and i wont sit still sulking about it), but you are stalling both our futures with your indecision to get connected and stick with it or move past it. Get on your horse and RIDE dude! The next party is waiting your arrival and you are frackin TARDY and for some reason I am supposed to be your date.. this is BORING me.
No matter how selfish you are in your communication with me, I believe in you.
No matter how your avoidance of me makes me feel physically unattractive, I believe in you.
No matter what other people say about your actions, I believe in you.
No matter who or what you choose in this life, I believe in you.
Life isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be hard either, unless you choose to make it so. You can't blame me for your choices because you haven't chosen me, yet. We have a lot to learn about each other before we are going to be allowed to move forward. Please lets get on with it ok?
I don't mind not being your choice (well i do, but it wont kill me and i wont sit still sulking about it), but you are stalling both our futures with your indecision to get connected and stick with it or move past it. Get on your horse and RIDE dude! The next party is waiting your arrival and you are frackin TARDY and for some reason I am supposed to be your date.. this is BORING me.
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