Helpless

This morning doing our "Sunday Morning" routine of having breakfast in bed and watching some videos, my son looks over at me and says, "Mom, I need a daddy."

I took this statement in for a minute before reacting. Its something I agree with completely for him, but I want to make this a reassuring time in regards to his sense of security. I felt like saying, Hell YES! of all the little boys in the world YOU deserve a great dad. Someone that will love you as much as you love them. Instead, I decided to ask him a few questions about it. "Why do you feel like you need a daddy? What is he going to do for you that you don't have now?"

He goes on to list things like, take me places, spend money on me (I laughed), and hugs. I looked at him and said, "We have to love our lives as they are. Enjoy our moments and be grateful for what we have. I love you and we have fun right?"

"yes mom".

I sighed. Then I said, "It will be fun if we find that person, but in the meantime we have to look at the other people in our lives as our family." Parenting is a beyotch. But the rewards are hugs, kisses and seeing yourself growing up all over again!!

come on Dad! where are you? In the meantime, we need to go fishing.

Lovely

Got dressed up last night! I forgot what that felt like. It used to be a way of life. It was lovely.

Life is good. Just sayin.

Gracious

OK so, not going to Graceland. Just a bit of gratitude. I was mulling over a section of a week. And pondering its effect on my mentality. (as you might have noticed)

So, gracious me. I have come up with my gratitude list:
Thank you for reminding me where my short comings are. I am so grateful to have that piece of information. Thank you for showing me that not everything is as it seems. I will keep checking myself in the mirror to wipe the naive off my face. Thank you for the generosity, patience and chivalry. Thank you for showing me how things could be. Thank you making me laugh, smile and sigh. Thank you for letting me be myself. Thanks for the warmth. thanks for your wonderful stories. Thanking myself for the upgrade; I deserve to be heard and admired as well.

Thanks for affirming that all good things take time and you have to be present to them in that time, not absent, in order for them to move forward. I love life. xo

Who's your couch buddy?

You know, a LOT of my friends go to therapy. I guess that says something about me. It says that I can accept the desire to have people in my life who search for answers to the nagging aches and pains of the body that are a result of "stinkin thinkin". Sessions with the Couch buddy, either sitting, lounging, jumping, crying, pillow beating, affirming releasing time with an objective individual can truly make the mirror a happier occasion!

No matter how big your brain gets with knowledge and wisdom and courage and faith, there is always a new experience around the corner to remind you to keep studying. And kitties and bobcats? that is ROCKIN good news.

So cry, or sing or beat the drum, go fishing, take a hike, talk to a tree, maybe a spin class or paint a painting, just do whatever it takes to get you out of the funk and onto the dance floor with me. Dance little sistah DANCE!

Lets Talk

I have carved a career in marketing and advertising. Embellishing products or services with adjectives to make them more attractive. Me. A woman that says whats on her mind WAY too often. The other day I couldn't say a word. I felt closed off. A first meeting with someone whose mind I found highly intriguing. I didn't really want to say too much. I like to listen and get the lay of the land. Treading lightly as to not disturb the land mines of people that have had poor relationships. (I know I have).

Trust is a tricky issue, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I will never understand men, but that is so OK by me!!! Its how things should be. If we were too similar there would be absolutely NO intercourse. *giggle* There is something about that edge of difference that draws us to one another.

I felt it deep down, didn't you? yea BABY! lets get it ON. :giggle:

Mermaid dream

Ever since I have been a young lass, in the wilds of Kentucky, I have been a swimmer. I lettered my senior year of high school. That letter jacket is LONG gone to some virgo college roomate with an attitude.

Anyway, I have a thing about the water. This mermaid dream was very telling for me one night.

Just keep swimming!!!!

Birds and Bees

A poem inspired by a friend that lives in the OC that I haven't talked to in 2 years.

The Bees have it. The Birds have it.

the body follows the scent of you
its longing takes its own directions
looking as it has not eaten for years
never been filled to satisfaction

i feel your body beside me in a dream
the warmth of its fur and energy
not moving towards me but with me.
learning its curves slowly with purpose.

i don't know if that dream will come
to my doorstep or in my window.
or if it will always remain outside
looking up as a lover in despair.

but like a fool i will chance its time
keep my candle burning in the window
calling your spirit to join me here
in a dance that has already bound us

i want to melt into you, feel that heat
intent on your turns and troubles
wanting to alleviate your concerns
make you smile for an hour or so.

and let you show me there is hope
for anything beautiful to be alive
inside each others souls for now
winding ourselves tighter in that net.

Tacos with the Ex

I had a dream about the man I almost married last night. We were on a trip somewhere and stopped to eat tacos at his brothers place. Strange but good interaction. I felt all over the place... There was a horse in the dream! Totally infatuated with me, and followed me around in the bathroom of a friends house where I was attending a meeting. Shower in the closet. Floral green fabric.

Dredging up the Past. TACO!

I thought I had lost my old blog to the cybernet stalkers, but found it! I am going to republish some old posts. Today's post was from Saturday June 4th, 2005

enjoy.

taco stand guy

So another tragic tale of the lonely spinster. I am going to get cheap gross tacos for dinner cuz i am too depressed to cook. I had stopped at the convenience store, 2 blocks from my house for some conveniences. Forgot to put on my seat belt as i drove off. The highwy patrolman was soooo nice when he gave me the ticket. Which begs the age old question: Why do we need to be regulated to death? Moving on to tacos....

I go 2 more blocks to the Taco Hut...not its real name. I refuse to say in order to maintain my facade of a gourmet eater. Driv up to the menu board. This voice that asks me what i want is mezmorizing. i stammer through an order with some witty white girl banter. Get up to the window, and there is this kid with these gorgeous eyes and the VOICE... i try to remain detached as i am still stewing over the ticket from cute ass in uniform, and drive off thinking...OUCH~ this dry patch better end soon. You know that is evident when the minimum wage guys are lookin good. Really good. stop.

can anyone come to the rescue!? ARG!

Saturday, June 4th, 2005

The Wind and the Wall

Opening the door
letting the breeze in
learning each time I do,
the bits get scattered

the wind is talking
taking what it wants
moving it to where it should be
rushing past me in a vortex

knowing the weakness of doubt
that it brings to my heart
my brain becomes splattered
colors against the idea wall

more useless energy spent
piecing all the colors together
the basket of inception keeps filling
honest intentions spilling out

you were good at spotting me
you were right to say it was so
I am not here for the decisions
I am here for the now and then

riding the wave of joy into the future
letting that carry the love of it to me
washing away the useless collage of sorrow
your eyes in my mind soothing this vision

I am working on me
working on being free
let it be baby, let it be
it all lies in our hands

waves of the universe
keep the current strong
allow me to see what it is
give me your strength to let go.

and be free. to breathe. to love. me.

Art

I went out into public last night for the first time in a long time. I watched people. It was interesting. It was like staring into the aquarium. I have found myself again, and not sure how that fits into what is happening around me. I am not worried about that at all really, its just another stepping stone I know that I will cross with my own style and won’t be persuaded otherwise.

I realized one thing last night, I need to surround myself with artists. Creative people. And I am not sure where to find them.

Celebrity

Another dream set by the beach. I was at a conference for some kind of celebrity affair. I ended up sitting in an auditorium listening to a speech by someone. Then sitting next to a man that was familiar to me, but I don't really know who he was.

We ended up out at the actor trailer. They had taken our car while we were in the auditorium and had no way to get back to Santa Barbara. We were negotiating what they were capable of doing for us to get us home.

John Waters was there with long blonde curly hair. funny.

Writing

This will be a highly creative summer for me. I have spent a few months of truly recovering and hibernating. I have an opportunity to do some writing for a friend. He asked me for a couple of "poems" and I have been racking my brain trying to find "my words" again. I have become so internalized these last few months finding the visualization and personal vibrations.

Maybe that is a start to what I am wanting to convey outwardly. Find myinner communication, how ever that looks and be at one with it. Use it to its purpose that it uses me.

I am looking ahead to rewards of fruitful exposes.

the List

Ok. Dream time again!

I had a dream that i was working on my skincare line, at a convention. We were told we had to go through some "organic" type door to get in. You had to have the right combination of moves and stick your hands into this soft oozy door and it would protrude, etc. Very organic. Constantly moving and changing.

Once inside we were instructed to gather information from potential customers. The lady that was our leader took all our potential customers for herself. I remember thinking that was pretty low. Then we went outside to see the band they had hired for this event. Turns out it was my son's childcare provider singing and the band was on a great big hill. We went back to the conservatory/sun room to have some snacks. My friend Amy was there telling me that I messed up her weekend plans by flaking out on her.

Then a man came up to me and said, i need to tell you somethings you need to know. He was impatient. I had the feeling he was a ghost or an angel, and I really wanted to hear him. He started giving me a list, but I didn't have anything to write on. I grabbed the closest paper and pencil after he gave me the list once. He seemed agitated that I didn't get it the first time. I felt bad for asking him again while i wrote it down. After he had finished, i realized that the pen i wrote with was foam ink and all the letters had risen and meshed together. (and for the life of me right now I can't remember ANYTHING he said). I couldn't ask him a third time, because it was past the time he was supposed to return to his position, and he left.

I remember thinking at that point, why am I not prepared for anything? thats all i remember for now.

End. of. it. All

Plane flying in the air. There stewardess came around and said, we are going to take you to a lovely place. All the bad people are gone. I was in disbelief.

Sure enough, the plane landed and the world was quiet and still. Everything was green. There were hardly any buildings. They put our group of people on a small island. She told us that there were only a few places with clean water. Some people needed things we couldn’t get on the plane. She suggested we go to the city, which was a ways away. I didn’t really want to go, but needed some things. (Didn’t want to go because I was enjoying the solitude. We were driving in the city. I came across my cousin, who was getting married. Interesting that she was a brides maid, a maid of honor and a bride all within an hour. I saw here in 3 different dresses. I remember lip gloss and sharing make up with a friend at the wedding.

Then I ran into some friends that I didn’t know very well, but was acquainted with. She and I were doing some drawings. Hers turned out beautifully and mine was ok, but I hadn’t really finished it. She got some kind of recognition and I felt like mine wasn’t worthy. Then a group of people decided it was time to go back to our group. I got in the car, and realized a lot of people in this parking lot were having problems. Getting frustrated. I remember thinking, here we are given a NEW opportunity to make a beautiful life, and we all just keep with our own ways.

Then a huge ruquous broke out in the parking lot. A group of guys rammed into someone’s car, and got out with guns. They started shooting people. I remember thinking that someone had rammed me, and I pretended to slip down and pass out in the car as the man with the gun walked up to my window. I was feeling fear and terror. I didn’t move. I made myself wake up because I was afraid he was going to try and “make sure I was dead”.

Genocide

Last night I had a great dream that I was living in a city, nice apartment, eating big slabs of halibut, truly enjoying myself with my friends. I had decided that I needed to give something back. I heard about an expedition heading to another country, some where in Asia, to rescue a group of volunteers (which included an OLD friend of mine). They were working at a camp that took in orphans of war. When our group got there, we heard rumors the leaders of the camp had done a mass killing of all the volunteers through lethal injection (sort of a "Jim Jones/Guyana deal). We were all panicked and rushed to the site to see if anyone survived.

We walked into the main tented compound and the floor was made of sand/dirt. Around each person was a white rock wall, and they were laying one per area under a green canvas tarp, semi buried. They looked asleep and not dead. We found about 20 percent of them had survived the injection. I was one of the scouts heading out to find the still moving people. Upon finding one alive I was to arouse them and get them moving, walking, drinking water, etc.

I came across my friend, who had survived. I was overjoyed to see her. (It has been years since we have seen each other.) She was relaying all the facts of what happened. The people who had held her were obsessed with obtaining a certain amount of orphans by a certain time and when that number wasn't met, they killed all the volunteers, mass hysteria style.

I don't remember feeling overly upset or overwhelmed by the amount of corpses in this tent. I was more thankful that we were finding people that had survived, and grateful for each one that I could help with rising up and walking around. And for seeing my long lost friend.

The Deep End of the Pool

Last week I dove down into the deep end of the pool. I needed to get under the water for a few days to just hear the quiet. Let the quiet resonate inside my cavernous soul. Sometimes you have to disappear to reappear renewed. A wise person told me last week, "Your strength is amazing. I never would have been able to handle things the way you are handling them." Even that moment of inspiration didn't give rise to my sleeping soul.

I basically hid away from the world staring into the mirror, staring into the reflection of my disinterest with the world outside my door. I can hear you self proclaimed "therapists" saying, you have to get out of your head. Well duh!!! This action doesn't happen easily. Once in a while I have to lay in the still water to rest and remember how GREAT life can be. The times in between these "self absorbed greif" naps will grow longer.

Sigh... art therapy here I come!!! First piece completed yesterday. More to come. ty talent for saving me from the deep end of the pool.

ONE. aren't we all one?

Bird Dreams

i was in a class that was teaching us to communicate with animals. We were released to practice. I wandered to a remote area of the park, sat on a bench, started listening and staring at the tree in front of me. I closed my eyes imagining an adolescent hawk flying and landing on my hand. When I opened my eyes the hawk was on the tree branch 20 yards in front me. When I held out my hand the bird flew toward me and landed on my hand. We sat on that bench for a while, me stroking the bird and we were communicating with our eyes. I was thinking without words and it felt amazing. Someone walked by, startled the bird, and it flew off at that moment. I thought how peaceful it must be to be able to just think without words, realizing I actually accomplished that. At that point a cat wandered in and came right up to me and we sat and purred for a little bit. The teacher walked up to me saying, "you are getting some good practice in". I said, " Cats and Dogs are easy. I did end up with a hawk on my hand. That was amazing."

He responded, "Not many people can communicate with birds easily."
I said, "It was amazing."

Then some other students walked up and I felt the need to get away from them. I wandered off saying out loud... "Just think, BIRD. Just BIRD."

Sunny beautiful day, light breeze and with a contented soul.

Swimming

Last night I had a dream I was in a resort hotel. We had a meeting and after afterwards we went swimming. I took all my clothes off and dove into the pool. I felt at ease and relaxed, even a little bit lazy. I proceeded to do a few laps with some languid flips at the ends of the pool, almost in slow motion. It felt good to be in the water again, gliding through the silence and serenity of its depth.

I wish all of life felt like that cool tepid blue water. I remember feeling the bliss of oneness with my element. Got to get back into the pool.

Forthright

I have been thinking on this topic for a couple of weeks now. Life is a strange ocean we surf everyday. Always bringing us the tests we are meant to accomplish and move past. Seeing as I am in recovery, I am required/excited to be honest with all my actions/speech. It has got me noticing when people aren't being honest. I find it intriguing/frustrating that people underestimate those they do not know. They say little lies to themselves and others to not have to "hassle" with the truth. How does that serve anyone's best interests? Rather to not say anything than to make stuff up.

I love life. I love everything about it. I am grateful to be aware again. My son is grateful I am aware too.

hug your loved ones!!!

Creativity

When I first started writing poetry, I thought that I could only do it when I was drinking in a bar, like the "greats". Drunk and dazzlingly intellectual. That only works for a brief bit of time during the process of consuming alcohol. Most of the time I ended up having in-depth discussions with other saturated semi-philosophers. I ended up writing many journals during that time frame. Alas, all those books of my poetry and writings were lost forever when I moved from Florida back to Texas. My portfolio, my journals, my history, my sketches, etc. That is the only thing I have ever lamented losing in my life. My history was in those journals. My unpublished poetry, thoughts of all the wreckage I survived during those 15 years of my life. I will never see them again. I get sick to my stomach thinking of it.

I am working on a new phase in my life right now, and it will be a new sort of creativity. I cherish the opportunity and am grateful that I wasn't lost during all the trials I have set forth for myself and hurdled over. I learned a lesson that I will be teaching my son. Always journal, and keep them in a safe place so you can access them in the future. Don't lose that part of your past. All else is material, and although those things can be valuable and worthy, it is our memories that are of true value. These images of our lives give us balance, support and a sense of self. When we get older and our minds become more feeble, they are the reminders of our physical paths and how we developed into the characters we are.

This week I am relearning the lesson, be here, now, for that is all you truly have. I have let go of those journals for a reason. They may be teaching someone else right now, or in a land fill rotting away, who knows. Maybe the words will fill the air and travel to somewhere, or I hope they do. I always hope. Despite all that has happened and even if things "appear" to be hopeless, I still hold onto it. I just don't always surface above the waterline to proclaim hope as a savior.

So what is all this about? Creativity. Time to get back to pure creativity. I have always had it. I have denied its existence lately for I was refusing/misusing it. I am free now to reunite with its claim on me. Let it flow dear girl. Its your recovery tool.

Sometimes Things Become Crystal Clear

Someone that I love dearly, came over today and brought me some chili. And with all that is going on with me, all he could talk about were his drama's. Remember people never change, I mean unless its absolutely necessary and they choose to re-rail their destinies.

yea. I did the right thing. Still love the guy, but hell... *giggle*

Recovery

I am learning about recovery. This is my first week. I am glad I can get support.

bonus

i get to disappear today. isn't that cool?

i can't say it better than this

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone


i miss being in love. nothing like it.

i can't say it better than this

When you love someone - you'll do anything
you'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

you'll deny the truth - believe a lie
there'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
but your lonely nights - have just begun
when you love someone

when you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
and nothin else can ever change your mind
when you want someone - when you need someone
when you need someone...

when you love someone - you'll sacrifice
you'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
you'd risk it all - no matter what may come
when you love someone
you'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
when you love someone

back to you

today, I grew up. i realized i can love someone with all my heart, and not lose anything. i only have one more week to be a kid. LOL

Comedian

So, the other day, I heard a comedian talking about his wife and his kids. He was debating with his wife about what they did that day. She was pregnant at the time. He says, i came home the house was dirty, i asked her what she did all day. She responds, I made a LUNG. and a kidney and an eye... etc.

i have learned today that i can respect myself for creating an AWESOME human being!! ty melanie for making an austin. its a gift to yourself. he will be a mighty force.

Just Another day

today i thought, maybe I should just disappear forever, like keep my mouth shut. they hear me, but they blame me for what i see in what they are telling me! i dont want to win, i just want to help. so how is it i am the enemy?

don't ask me OK? because i will be blamed for making you an enemy of yourself.

Fund Raiser - Please Help

Ok everyone. My son's school (The Open Alternative School) is having a Fund Raiser and I need donations. Anything you can spare would be nice. I also have tickets for sale for kids and adults.

Please contact me if there is anything you can think of to donate. Thanks for your assistance.

he

decided to not like me. i like me and my music choices. I do like you. more than you know.

today

someone reminded me i am only worth as much as i let myself be. i love all of you. Its a promise. When i open myself to others, and allow vulnerability, i suffer. I won't change it. and i wont let you take advantage of me.

I will miss you dear one. i do love you, but i wont suffer your limitations or your disregard of me.

it has to be me

Talking to a friend today, or someone I thought was my friend, and I confessed something. He set me straight on the fact its my responsibility. He also reminded me, never take less than what you deserve (in his way). We can all eat garbage if we have to, but no body wants to. The people who dig through it to find their treasure, that's not their ultimate desire. I hope anyway.

The thing that intrigues me mostly is when I see one of my beloved friends digging through the trash, I desire to stop them. I wish I had more friends like me. I am not great, I am just THERE. Just there with a tool belt of wisdom, insight and love.

art

I walked into a gallery today and saw a painting today that looked exactly like a painting that is hanging in my friends apartment in NY that I painted. The artist was a "famous" abstract artist from the 60's- 70's. The gallery "informant" said, the artist was a major influence in the abstract art movement. Wheels are turning. I had to stop and examine his work The painting that i was drawn to was almost an EXACT painting i did in 1980 or so. What is my next move? Am I capable of inspiring?

yes. find the path. and keep smiling dear melanie. people love your smile. don't sell it for less than its worth.

A Friend

I met a man one day that changed how I thought about New Yorkers. I was young, naive and lost. He was a friend of another friend. He was an addict. What impressed me about him the most? He was the most generous man I had met at that moment, out side of my daddy. He was kinder to me than the man I was living with. He resonated spirituality and generosity. He wasn't a stable being, but he was consistent.

He taught me many things about how men should treat women. He was a man, a mentor, and a friend. He never suspected his worth. He always treated me with respect. ALWAYS. NO matter what state he was in, he knew what people of worth were worth.

To this day, I regret I never told him what he meant to me. The day after I heard of his death, I heard this song on the radio. I had to pull off the freeway and cry for at LEAST a half hour. Every time I hear this song, I cry for my dear friend. He was singular. I can't even write this without crying.

I was his friend. I am his memory. It's not the one I would wish for him, but worth is worth. I wish more people had felt that for him. He was so kind, and non-judgmental. He reinforced so many of my beliefs. I was educated by his choices. He was left alone dead on the floor by the woman he was seeing at the time. I pray in his next life he wont abandon himself or be abandoned.

"And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
chorus
While Mona Lisa's and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light"

Defining a moment

All my life I have found amazing things and then lost them. All my life I have loved deeply. It’s not an option; it’s who I am. I am not sure that fits most people’s definition of love. I may not be the person who collects souvenirs, but I do understand their value. I may not be the person who follows tradition, but I know that new traditions may be my life’s value. I may not be the most beautiful person on the outside, but inside I mean something to everyone that sees me, good or bad. I think that sticking with knowing myself has hardened me in a lot of ways. Choosing to be a single mom reminds me of that stubbornness. I haven’t ever really suffered. I am still not sure I know who I am, but that may just be instability of my physical circumstance in the now. I have been stubborn to stick by my choices always. I choose to believe in people, no matter what. Even when they lie to me and let me down. I had an affirmation on Friday from an ex of the decision I made there. Ty John. Xo.

I am basically just trying to hang on. Find a path. Enjoy every moment. Learn that no matter what, joy and sorrow are bed partners and not to be despaired by that. How to not over react to my son. Appreciate the family I have (immediate and extended) and let them know I love them.

In a moment of clarity today (which I think most of us struggle with) after a conversation with a very conditional person, I realized something. No one persons conditions drive any one else’s lives. We live as we are. It might be easier the other way, but each person’s joy is based on his or her wants, and that’s what makes life beautiful. We just need to learn to communicate. In any moment, and not take things personally.

I wrote a sentence to myself today. And I felt so centered when I wrote it. I think I will read it every time I start to treat myself with guilt and shame. “I allow myself to appreciate all my experiences no matter how bad without feeling shame and I will trust myself and my inner voice.”

Feel free to do that for yourself. You will help me and everyone you meet as well. We need each other. Stop trying to find differences. Find similarities. You wont lose a thing by doing this. You will only gain.

life

so fucked up.

you find what you want but you can't touch it. and the people you love and that love you are too far apart to touch each other. and maybe i am wrong about everything, but mostly? i am right.

i can learn. can i get an amen!? *giggle*

self image

I have been working on this all my life. I feel like i am making strides towards acceptance and love of myself. right now all thing wrong are slamming me. its a test to realize I am worthy, lovely, sexy and accomplished.

join me in the affirmation chant! ty.

i love this song.

and the words are pretty innocuous.

but it always feels good to say fu when you can!

my car

died... poor thing. I will miss you little blue car. you served us well...

New Neighbor

I have a new neighbor. He is from NY. He is an ROTC trainer. And so nice, good for him. Its going to be a really weird adjustment for him to adapt to a CA lifestyle. Anyone that has ever experienced the edge of the US continent in CA will understand.

This is paradise, as long as you let go and allow. i fear he is incapable of it. but its not my life. we are all lead to where we should be. I pray he will open his windows and doors and let the world in. its all we have. god, we are so fortunate to be in so cal.

I don't know my part. I know I can help him. and so I travel forth.

Half Man, Half Me

OMG I had the most incredible dream this morning!! I was being pursued by man, not in a aggressive evil way, just passive interest and persistence. Overseeing my steps... inquiring, concerned, sweet. The unusual thing about him was that he wasn't actually fully human. And when he started getting into serious conversations he would morph into something completely different.

There was a really strange ending to the dream. We were at his house, and he was actually communicating with me at this point visually only, telling me his story by touching me and letting me see what his history was. There was a strange party we were supposed to attend, he was warning me against going, but came along anyway just to watch over me. Massive orgy like party, and for some reason there was smoke and ashes everywhere. He took us home in a Huge crazy tractor like machine, riding in the open air.

it was a crazy good feeling! Weird. (and thats only part of it)

always

I always wanted to be that person that could be accepting and non-judgemental of the people I love. I have come a long way in that department. I just don't feel that I have made it completely. I continually listen to self help. I am working on my self esteem every day. How is it I have "expectations" and regret? Riddle me this.

I have so much more to be grateful for than not. Why is it that I continue to feed energy into the negative parts of existence? The next step is to put all that negative crap into oblivion and regret NO more.

anyone else feeling the cramps of inconsistency with self desire? I thought so. INPUT!

My Ride

On the way to class I had a wonderful and happy accident. My car died. I had to pull to the side of the road, and a cool new service from the CHP had a man that came in a truck to basically keep me company, protected and give me his opinion of the issue. Its at the Volvo dealership now. We will see what happens next!

Thanks to my friends who are always there for me in a pinch. And to the services of AAA. The man who picked me up said, the two cars I pick up every day that ARENT in accidents? Volvo and Mercedes. I love you my sweet little blue beast. You are comfy sweet safe ride. Please stop talking back. :)

wacom intous 4

Dear Santa.... i forgot to add this to my list. this will change the way I illustrate books. ty!

Letters to Santa

The other day we were backing out of the driveway on our way to work and school, my son says to me, "Mommy, is Santa for real?" (He is in that phase. Asking me about actors and movies. Which stories are real and which aren't. If the characters are based on real people.)

I said to him, "What do you think?"

He responded, "I think he is real."

"Yes. I think you are right", I replied.

So Sunday, we wrote our letters to Santa. That was a festive task. I asked Santa for something that is already in the works and he was so excited that I asked for it. lol.

Anyway, I know its only September, but this Santa has to plan ahead so that all is taken care of by the "deadline".

He hasn't even decided what he wants to be for Halloween!!!!

Last Nights Dream

I had my first semi sexual dream last night in almost a year. It was a strange dream too. I went to bed early then woke up early. This dream happened after I fell back asleep after that mid morning time.

It started as traveling to various locations and hotels. I ended up at a party and ran into an old friend. Strange, he is an old friend that I don't even like. We had an attraction both of us were uncomfortable with but couldn't deny. This dream took place at a house sitting on the cliff by the ocean, We had driven there over bumpy roads. When we got there, we had wonderful conversations. We watched a sun rise while it happened. Then he walked outside and followed a woman by climbing a pole.

You know sometimes I think these dreams are supposed to be stories for some kind of "TV series" or soap opera. I haven't started writing yet but I think I will. Gotta start keeping track!

Amusement Parks

We were at Magic Mountain this weekend, all day Saturday I should say. Walking is good for you! WE did a LOT of that. Riding the small rides with my son was awesome! We laughed and laughed. I have to say standing in a long line is NOT appealing. They have created the "Fast Pass", and I tell you if we do go back, thats the ticket. For sure.

One amazing feet. They have a typical area with carnival style games, coin toss, water gun races, to win stuffed animals. I traditionally avoid them KNOWING the prize is not worth the money spent on the game. BUT as we passed the "break the plates with the baseball" and win a prize booth, I stopped. I looked at the son, and said, you think you could break a plate? Sure mom! 2 rounds, and sure enough. he broke a plate. Solid shatter! The man can aim. There was a guy standing next to us saying, Heck, I can't even do that! (In fact we went back a while later to try and win a bigger stuffed "Dodgers" bear, and he was still trying!) I was sorta proud and started thinking, its time for him to be on a team. Yep!

Magic Mountain = Long lines, getting soaked on the water rides, over expensive drinks, really good fudge, laughing till you ache on rides with your kid, watching him win his first carnival prize? Priceless!

Hurricane Harbor here we come!!!!! :dance:

My Lemonade Stand

Sunday Morning picked up my kid from his “sleepover”. We get home and he says to me, “Mom, I want to have a lemonade stand. We need to start saving money for our new house. “ Hence his first entrepreneurial endeavor. The KOOL-AID stand. Lemonade and strawberry flavors, just so you know. So cute listening to his little voice yelling Kool-Aid, Lemonade… Actually one lady stopped her car and bought 2 cups for the kids! We made around 4 dollars, because of our generous neighbors and friends. I found an empty plastic container; we are going to decorate with a house on it this weekend. I am encouraging his desire to make his dreams a reality.

This whole dream started a couple of months ago. He said something to me about having a dog. I said, “We can’t have a dog till we have a house and a yard to keep it in. “

He said, “Then we need a house.”

I said, “What does your house LOOK like?”

Then we proceeded to describe the house, and it has a “hot tub”, Austin’s real wish besides the dog. My only additions were a washer, dryer and a maid. And a Pool guy to clean up the pool/hot tub.

I am of the firm belief if you can envision it you can have it. No matter how long that takes. I am proof of that. I don’t dash his dreams by telling him, NO. He will learn on his own how to deal with the real NO’s in time. Besides why shouldn’t he believe he would have a house with a dog and hot tub someday? These are all good things to want. And in wanting them, the law of attraction will reward him with his dream and I can benefit in the process! For it is also my want to have a house and a dog.

Poof, there it is!

Bike Dream

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last two months. Looking for any inspirational material I can find on CDs (TY WILENE and the public library) I would much rather listen than read as it allows me to do two things at once. As a single mother, I love multi-tasking. Life requires I do many things at once. I am actually programmed that way so it works for me.

ANYWAY, during all these awakening sessions with my inner being, I have found a joy that I forgot about since I was a little girl running in the sprinkler on the lawn. The days I struggle I remember to visualize that moment of joy that most recently happened and keep speaking of the joy, dismissing the negative as much as possible from my experience.

Last night I had a pretty intense dream. I was on some kind of trek (which is the current situation in all my dreams, traveling from one point to another). Some one gave me a bike that I had to use for this trip. And as the mind does with symbolism, at some times the seat was off the bike, but I kept riding. There were people in the path but I rode over them. There were puddles and I splashed happily through them. Just kept on going no matter the obstacles. The ride started out apprehensively. By the end I was clear on where I was going, knowing that the challenges were there, and ringing my little bike bell all along the way.. seat or no seat. I was getting to the next "station" without hangups and it felt good.

Life is joyous. Remind me of that when you hear me whining... *giggle*

Surgery Again?

Yep. I didn't talk about it just did it. heh!

I underwent a significant physical transformation two months ago. Elective surgery that I waited only 6 months to have done. Six months of "last meals". By the time my surgery came I was so ready for it. The only really uncomfortable moment I have had was the night after surgery when I couldn't drink any water. That lasted from 11 am after surgery till 7 am the next day. A very brief suffering for what has turned out to be the second most important decision in my life (the first one was the decision to be a single mom).

The end results so far? Immediately, the next day, I no LONGER SNORE! Why? I have no idea. A total benefit of surgery. The surgeon corrected my hiatal hernia. I think that had something to do with it. amazing. The food intake is down to about 1/10th of what I was consuming. And truthfully? I do not miss it. Glutton no more, TY. I am a happy woman. I am am seriously lighter. I lost 15 before, 15 in my second week out from surgery (weigh in) and since I am 2 months out I am guessing at LEAST another 15 if not more. I decided to not weigh myself at home. This is a gradual process and i want to learn how to treat my body by its signals, not the scales. My next official weigh in is May 18th. I will keep you informed.

The real result is finding myself again inside the fat suit. I feel like a different person. Active, capable of being on my feet for long periods of time. Time to incorporate exercise. Thank GOD summer is approaching. Ready for the bike rides to the beach with my kiddo!!! yea. I am a BLESSED woman. Grateful, and blessed.

Summer Camp

Summer is almost HERE! Which means in about 6 weeks I am going to have to deal with Summer Day Camp!? My mother really didn't work when I was young till we moved to Texas, so I don't remember attending day camp. I did get to go to sleep over camps with my friends. I remember a summer at a relatives houses or church camp and girl scout camp. Wow. I love camp in the summer for my kiddo! The choices in our town are very broad. I think the only thing I didn't see was horseback riding or equestrian activities. I think I came up with a great schedule for him which range from sports to theater.

One of my memories of summer camp was swallowing a horse fly when diving off the board into the swimming pool. Please share your best camp stories! Your favorite moments... and keep it PG rated, which means acronyms!

Now for some "old school" humor. This is still one of my FAVORITE summer camp movies. "It just doesn't matter!"

Cramp in my Leg

Last nights dream was fairly intense. In real time, I have had "ankle fusion" on my left ankle. It has finally gotten to a point of feeling less like a "franken-ankle" and more like an actual mobile unit. I haven't been walking around much in the last week due to another procedure I had done March 18th. (More on that later). When I don't walk around on it much then get up and actually spend the day walking, like yesterday, AND not enough water, I get cramps in my calf while I sleep. Now before you give me the "stretching" speech, understand that my left ankle has a reduced mobility factor that only allows 60% of a normal forward and backward flex. ie: can't ever point my toes again, like I did when I was diving in high school. So its never fully "stretched". Now on with my dream.

I remember I was doing some work around the house and then my leg started cramping up. I started thinking dangit i was sleeping so nicely too. Then someone came up to me saying here you go, and handed me a booklet with pictures on it. There is a coupon card to use when you have leg cramps. You just say the words, cramp be gone, and your leg wont hurt anymore. Sure enough. I picked one coupon, and my cramps were gone immediately. ANd i said a grateful prayer and sat there thinking how wonderful. No more cramps while I sleep and the dream continued.

Angel intervention? Maybe so. I sure lost the cramp in my leg immediately. Is it really that easy? and the treasure of kindness is the greatest treasure of all...

Birthday

It was quiet.. It was fun packed. I got GREAT presents. And got to go to the orchid show. It was just as I wanted it to be. Filled with good friends and my son.

AND I got to take some pictures. Enjoy!

Scouting

I, AJ, promise to do my best
to do my duty to God and my country
to help other people
and to obey the law of the pack.

"cub scout salute"

CUTE or WHAT!?

Electra Cruisers.... The Gypsy

Isn't she a beauty? And the name is so perfect for me.

I have begun bike shopping! My birthday is Saturday and I want a bike. Things are going to drastically change for me next week. Exercise must be included in that change. Biking is a good start to work up the butt muscles and the leg muscles. Also its a good way to get out with my kid and exercise. Head over to the beach for the day.

I want this bike and have a major contribution coming from the rents... Thank you my generous parents!!!!! It may have to be paid in installments, but oh the joy of spinning around my beach town with this cutie!

Look for future installments of "Biking Adventures of Mom and A.J." Anyone got a bell? BRRRRINGG BRRRIINNGGG!!!!

Its a Word I Created today... FRIDIOTS!!!!

yea you guessed it. Frigging Idiots... doesn't Fridiots sound so much more PC?

And I can say it in front of my kid, and create a perfectly logical answer without tainting innocence. news you can use...

Someone's Staring at me

Love my kid. The best gift ever. He has been staring at me while I sleep. I am laying there I wake up and there he is staring at me.

Sweet in a lot of ways. Wants to get in and snuggle, had a bad dream, wet the bed, whatever it is. Its just kinda creepy when you wake up and someone is staring at you just waiting... blank blue eyes... It does not help that I watched a scary alien invasion episode of "Torchwood" which included a scene featuring a child that looked like my little guy. Being an artist brings back visual imprint daily and nightly.

Blessing and a curse.. Blessing and a curse... I love LIFE!

fishes....

Well mateys, if you DIDNT know yet, I be a pisces... a fish woman... a merrrrrmaid! Just to prove that I love the fishes, I am going to share this with you. I have 2 aquariums and a beta fish bowl in my house ( I secretly wish I had a Wall sized salt water tank, but thats for the rich folks). Yea and I live in a beach town, where I finally feel at ease after all my years inland. A bonus outing for me happened last night. A coworker and I went to an aquarium for "Photographers Night". They close the aquarium to the public, and allow only photographers in.

A Nikon Seminar an hour before hand was most helpful. The speaker showed images he had taken the week he was here before hand, with very little touch up. Nikon was there with set ups and "help sessions at various locations in the Aquarium. They also had a stock of "loaner" cameras and lenses. My "loan" of a Nikon D300 (VERY expensive, omg) and a short portrait lens was AWESOME! I can't even tell you what a difference it makes to have a camera with all the right "stuff". I know that I am not the worlds greatest mathematician and believe me taking a GOOD picture is a math equation. Exposure, ISO, available light, bend of the light on the sensor, autofocus, manual focus, aperture settings, etc. It would be nice to just point and shoot, but they can't capture the richness quite as well. Praises to the digital camera age.

After 3 hours, I took close to 500 images and could have gone around once more with the "knowledge" gained from the previous hours experience. Although, I didn't do as well as I had hoped. Fish don't really stand still. They are kind of skittish, and usually you capture a fish butt by the time the shutter clicks. As expected, water has a huge amount of blue, including blue walls inside the tanks, so you are constantly dealing with White Balance. But if you stand still and no one pushes you out of the way, sweet fish eyes are in your focus and you can get the awesomeness of the underwater world (behind plexi-glass of course,, which is a whole different set of issues). Man, what I learned last night is valuable though. Well worth the weary body this morning.

Time to get serious and upgrade my D40 to something with a higher ISO range, and more options in focusing. I LOVED having 3200 ISO in a dark place. I will search for a noise reduction software. And I am going to start taking more and more pictures. Maybe some day I can do some paintings from them. That is my dream.

Happy Monday everyone! Enjoy the Jellies (they are straight out of the camera, so please forgive the noise). The only mermaids were in the ocean to the left of the museum... ;-)~