This has been a rough day for the last 17 years especially raising a child on my own, with an absent father. I chose not to pursue him after a certain point because chasing love isn't the kind of love you need in your life. His or mine.
Each year I spend time trying to figure out what that will represent for me, and him... What does a father mean in our specific relationship? How can I (and honestly I can't truly) best show him how to find what men need? I can't because I am not a man. So I take him to do things that dudes typically like to do, like fishing, playing games, kayaking, play a sport, etc. No matter, it doesn't replace the needs he has to be shown by a male figure what that is like.
Yesterday I said to my son,"There is a part of me that gets sad each year that you don't have a father figure in your life. (My father passed away last year. :( ) I want you to know that anytime you have felt like that, I'm ok with answering any questions you may have!" This isn't the first time I have said that to him in his lifetime, and each time the response is unique.
"Mom, thats ridiculous! I don't even think about that anymore!," He says to me with a smirk. "Its just part of the way things are."
"Well that may change so don't worry about asking me anything!"
We hugged.
I don't regret anything, because that would be a burden on my life. I live and atone, and live and love and atone... clearing the path ahead for my son to follow with a loving and forgiving heart of his own. I have made many mistakes along the way, but he isn't one of them!
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