Insecurity - in various forms

Today I am struggling with a huge weight on my heart. I have decided to make a small investment in myself and my business. It's scary but exciting. What this has brought up for me is the lifelong untruth, "I am not going to succeed because I am not worthy."

The endeavors I undertake are often burdened with the underlying oppression of 'I am not worthy'. This thought leads next to, I won't be able to accomplish what I have promised to do, or what I have chosen to do. Of course none of this is actually true, its just what my soul/mind falls into as a trap to not accomplish anything.

As a water sign, Pisces, I tend to wallow in the sorrow, and just flail around when these feelings start to overwhelm me. I am an emotional being at a DNA level, so this struggling against the river wears me out. I often just go with the flow. NOT a great way to deal with situations that are falsely oppressive, such as the mantra, 'I am not worthy'. Because obviously I am worthy. 

I don't need to spend another thousand hours in therapy to KNOW this about myself. I don't need to dive into it every day to see... where is it coming from. What I need is a statement (that actually I developed when I first started this war against that premise.) I am worthy of love and success. That's all there is to it. It is THAT simple. 

Choosing to believe that instead of just snacking and crying, thats the battle. 

Fathers Day

This has been a rough day for the last 17 years especially raising a child on my own, with an absent father. I chose not to pursue him after a certain point because chasing love isn't the kind of love you need in your life. His or mine.

Each year I spend time trying to figure out what that will represent for me, and him... What does a father mean in our specific relationship? How can I (and honestly I can't truly) best show him how to find what men need? I can't because I am not a man. So I take him to do things that dudes typically like to do, like fishing, playing games, kayaking, play a sport, etc. No matter, it doesn't replace the needs he has to be shown by a male figure what that is like.

Yesterday I said to my son,"There is a part of me that gets sad each year that you don't have a father figure in your life. (My father passed away last year. :( ) I want you to know that anytime you have felt like that, I'm ok with answering any questions you may have!" This isn't the first time I have said that to him in his lifetime, and each time the response is unique.

"Mom, thats ridiculous! I don't even think about that anymore!," He says to me with a smirk. "Its just part of the way things are."

"Well that may change so don't worry about asking me anything!"

We hugged.

I don't regret anything, because that would be a burden on my life. I live and atone, and live and love and atone... clearing the path ahead for my son to follow with a loving and forgiving heart of his own. I have made many mistakes along the way, but he isn't one of them!

COVID

I realize that maybe I have been struggling with Covid 19 and not recognized it. Or maybe its just allergies. I don't have the major symptoms, but small irregularities over the last two months have made me feel suspicious. I will explore testing.

The Purple Carpet

The purple carpet was the gift from these Jacaranda trees. I cherish this time of year. The color of majesty, joy and mystical vibrations, covers the trees lining the streets in my neighborhood.

I walk longer and look up more to see the bounty that only happens once a year in full glory. 

I am amazed and in full gratitude of this gift.