I am not sure

that I am capable of true love. I not sure I am capable of really being open enough to my own heart to expose it to someone else without hiding a part of me. The two or three times I have completely opened up, I have been hurt, physically and emotionally. And I am becoming bitter, well, maybe not bitter so much as reactionary. I see it in my actions towards the little things that happen in day to day life.

Here is a poem I wrote that was inspired by a conversation with an "at that time" good friend. Do you ever feel that full circle? Today is a full circle day. Yea. Part of my life has come back, full circle. Reminding me of a time when I should have walked away, instead of waiting till I had to run. Sometimes even the most difficult lessons are the hardest to keep fresh so you don't repeat them, because the pain was so deep.

I said to my friend today, men suck, you just have to learn what level of suck-age you are willing to live with. There really isn't a substitute. I asked my magic eight ball, does he really love me? Never trust the "wisdom" of the magic eight ball. Ever. stoopit magic eight ball. :giggles:

Diet Plateu

I have reached it. 25lbs down, and I can't get past that. I am working out, and doing "fairly" well on my eating. But I seem to be stuck. Guess its time to grow up and really stick to the regime. My other thought was, maybe include cutting out the carbs from my diet. Realistically, that is going to be very difficult for me, but if I want to get past this wall, changes must be made.

So in the interest of a leaner more "hot" body, I am renewing my vows. Lower the carbs and stick to the plan.

I hate being a grown-up. "pouts"

Pressing the Flesh

The more I get out of the house, the better I feel. I love being online with my friends, but seriously, if I want to meet parents and potential friends in my community, online just doesn't cut it. Well, sometimes it does, but, I am in the need of the "pressing of the flesh" time.

I may not be online much the next week, it seems exciting things have come about for me to do! This weekend, The Greek Fesitval on Saturday! Yea, I don't have a dime to my name, but it is free, and they do have food. YES! MMMMM gyros & halva & spinach pies, etc. A good day to take pictures too. I love people events for picture taking.

Sunday? I am going to TRY and drag my behind to church. TRY being the term there. I may just sleep in and go to the beach. get more sun. I love being tan, and it sure makes me look better. Its great exercise for the kid and me, and also, free.

Monday: laundry and find an outfit for Wednesday

Tuesday: off to dinner with coworkers. Sales meeting stuff. Going to the Palace Grill. Now if you are ever in Santa Barbara, and you like cajun food, and entertainment, GO. You have to wait in line for seating, but they have someone outside entertaining on the weekends. Twice a night they have a sing along with the entire restaurant, and toasts all around. FUN.




Wednesday: The reason I need an outfit. Each year they have a week long celebration the call FIESTA!!!! or Old Spanish Days here in Santa Barbara. Our company gave away tickets to various events, and I won a pair!!! La Fiesta Pequena. Isn't free good? (Goes to look for her tickets, hopes she hasn't lost them...) So going to try and find some kind of spanish inspired skirt or probably a top. And not to forget the flower for my hair! As I want to try not to look too waspy. :giggles: And this festival goes through the weekend. thankfully i live within walking distance of all the downtown events. Viva la Fiesta!!!




Hey, did you know that there really was a Saint Barbara?

Look for pictures. There should be quite a few after this week! I really enjoy taking pictures of people, and their events, and smiles, etc. A busy week. Finally!!!!! *remembers to take her supplements*

tally ho, and away we go! *puts on her smile*

a ship in the night

But do i take the ride? do i find the right course through an action that may be daunting at first? I know that it will definitely inspire me passion wise, but what will I lose in taking this option?

Weighing out all the details, and leaning on good friends for answers. One of whom never steers me the wrong way.

Am I right smile?
I know you wouldn't.
;-)

Busted

Ankles... yea, the support of the frame. I have a very bad left ankle. Wanna know why? maybe not, but heck, its something to blog about.

When I was a senior in high school, I was on my way to see the movie Grease, in the theater (yes I am that old). I was wearing a pair of Tiddie's sandals. Slippery suckers, I tell ya. Well it started to rain as I was coming through the parking lot. I stepped onto the sidewalk that was like glass, slid my foot straight into a concrete planter, and BAM. Busted the end of my tibia and fibula right at the ankle like a triangle. I didn't realize this of course until much later that evening. I was NOT going to miss the movie. NO WAY. I sat through it with a bag of ice on my leg. Spent the night with a friend, and my parents came to get me in the middle of the night I was in so much pain. The next morning they take me to quack doc, and he says yep you busted it. And seeing as it was summer, he set my foot in a cast that I could swim in. He didn't wrap my leg tight enough, and the resulting error is a constant growth of calcium buildup around that ankle.

As I have gotten older, and calcium build up has started resulting in muscle spasms around my ankle, and lower leg. I have been working out and trying to build up some strength in the muscles around my ankle. I fear it is time for surgery. BLECH! My issue? I have NO support system here. I mean, I don't have anyone to help me with my child, if I decide to do this. Time to start networking, or have my parents take him for a month... now THAT would totally suck! Oh well. Its time to start thinking about it and planning.

First step? See a doctor. ;-)

Weekend

I love living near the beach. On Saturday, we were there for about 4 hours. My tan is really coming along! I hope by this time next year to be quite a bit thinner so that I can really enjoy the tan. Working out and dieting. One step at a time, and I will lose it. Oh yes. Even if i have to do the Anna Nicole trimspa method for some of the months... :wink:

Sunday, Cold Spring Tavern. Fun times!

Tom Ball and Kenny Sultan have played there for some time I am told. They were a pleasure to watch. And quite humorous.
Interesting information, they had a map up of the Zaca fires that are consuming some acreage here in our part of the state. Rainfall was so scarce this winter, I am surprised that there haven't been more fires here. I worry that this isn't going to be the only one this year. *fingers crossed she is wrong*. You could see the smoke when you left the tavern moving southwest. I wondered why my allergies have really been acting up. The child had a blast meeting a new young friend, and playing in the playhouse there. And he was covered in dirt by the time we got home. He was crying because we had to leave. I had a good time hanging with my friends. It was a good afternoon, and made me forget the state of affairs that keeps my mind awake at night!

Anyway, this kid was under the picnic table playing hide and seek.

I feel Empty

Keep On Smilin' by Wet Willie

Well you say you've got the blues
You've got holes in both your shoes yeah
You're feeling alone and confused
You got to keep on smilin'
Just keep on smilin'

Yeah you're, you're 'bout to go insane
'Cause your woman's playin' games
And she says that you're to blame
You gotta keep on smilin'
Just keep on smilin'.

Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
Till the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
And singin' this refrain.

Singin' in a honkey tonk cafe
But nobody's hearin' what you play
They're too busy drinkin' anyway
You gotta keep on smilin'
Brother, keep on smilin'

Say you found a piece of land
You're gonna change from city boy
To country man, yeah
Try to build your life with your hands
And just keep on smilin'
Keep on smilin'

Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
Till the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin' thru the rain
Laughin' at the pain
Just flowin' with the changes
And singin' this refrain

You're just hangin' out
At a local bar
And you're wonderin'
Who the hell you are
Are you a farmer?
Are you a star?

Smile on through the rain
Laugh through all the pain
Flow on with the changes
Till the sun shines out again
Keep on smilin', smilin', laughin', laughin'
Flowin', flowin', flowin', flowin'

Remember this song? sighs. I don't have much to say today. I feel like part of me is missing, and I need to find it. Can't wait to work out the emptiness feeling in session next week. For some reason in the last 7 months I have lost the ability to listen to myself and reason things out effectively. It's nice to have someone else to bounce the bafflement off of. Thankfully she has mucho common sense. Putting the ideas into motion is one of the excercise's I am worst at. Because it involves... WORK. Oh well. one step at a time.

The post is so boring today, blech. I am off to the Cold Spring Tavern to hear music. I think that will at least take my mind of the emptiness I am feeling.

Happy Sunday all!

Got Lei - gonna picnic!

It's "give the employees" bagel and doughnut Thursday, and we get out of work at 11:30 to have the rest of the afternoon picnic! Theme? Aloha! YIPPEE!!!!! Everyone has on lei's or puka shells, and some kind of hawaiian themed clothing, (I fortunately don't own anything hawaiin themed, not even underwear. giggles)

I love my job. NO wait. I take that back. I love working here, and the people I work with. I really have a completely different vision of what kind of job I want, but its a tad unrealistic. anywhooo...

I had NO idea lei's were named after an actual hawaiin flower. d*mn I am a dense dorky dame.

Aloha boys and girls will try to have a pic and a story manana. A hui hou. Aloha nui loa

Open Audition

I am searching for a new mate. Someone that likes to smile, laugh, and generally have a good time. Must like all kinds of movies, popcorn and root-beer. Enjoys all kinds of music, making love in the rain, and long walks on the beach. Must be patient, like kids, have his own car, and a job (or his own income). I desire someone open minded, sensual, semi-creative and male. If you can't cook then you must be willing to do dishes and take out trash. Living within a days driving distance of Santa Barbara is crucial for those late night needs. Enjoys an adult beverage now and then, but doesn't end up in the gutter at closing time. Being mature and responsible are a given, but being impulsive at times is so good for the soul. So, sit down, take a number, and then we can discuss options and your requirements.

One final note, did I mention kissing? Because the position requires kissing, lots and lots of kissing.

I look forward to hearing more about your "qualifications". Thank you for your time.

Smile? you going to apply? ;-)

The Echo Chamber

Do you ever feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs and absolutely no one is paying attention to you? yea. Now I just feel like sleeping. Been a good day for sleeping though. Feel like I haven't slept in 2 weeks. Making up for that today. Tomorrow is another day. I hope that I can exit this dungeon then.

smiles are fading... fading... fading...

The Lovers - Rene Magritte

The question to Magritte, "What were you thinking?"




“My painting is visible images which conceal nothing... they evoke mystery and indeed when one sees one of my pictures, one asks oneself this simple question 'What does that mean'? It does not mean anything, because mystery means nothing either, it is unknowable."
Rene Magritte

I love this artist. The only time I ever cried looking at a painting in a museum is when I rounded a corner and saw a picture of doves bleeding. Surrealism is my favorite style of art. I wish I had the skill and intelligence to accomplish it.

This picture talks to me a little bit right now. What the hell am I hiding from myself in this game of love? And what is my lover hiding from me? The mystery I fear will always remain unsolved. For I have never known a man to be completely honest with me. I hope someday a friend/man can prove that there really are honest men out there. I do have faith.

Ok smile. You are the exception. So it is noted. :hugs for you smile:

Dream On...

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Sick Kid

No blogging for a couple of days. Have a case of the "stomach flu" going on with the little man. Which for some odd reason, has only made him act "ill" at the daycare. At home he is all energy.

I miss work. HA! see ya soon.

in sync

I have fooled myself in many ways during this life. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I hope that I am strong enough to be the woman I deserve to be. And wize enough to make the right choices over and over again.

love is wonderful, and magical, but life is practical. when I can find the right mix it will make the most wonderful recipe.

in-sync and moving forward.

A BlogGoddess

BarnGoddess gave me a Rockin Girl Blogger Nod.. and reminded me of a blog entry from a long time ago.

Seeing as I have to do a write up on the weekend, and not in the mood, I am fudging it. Go visit Barn Goddess. She is quite the gal.

Really Bad Night

That lead to an even worse morning. I felt like sh*t. And the one person I wanted to talk to wasn't "available", which is pretty much the case with that.

I decided to go and get my hair cut and maybe that would make me feel better. I love Leity. Will post a picture when I get home.

I should go out tonight, cuz I am looking pretty good!tee hee...

edit: Okay, do you love leity or what!!!! I really should wear makeup to work. :wink:

Horrorscope

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Your feelings may be somewhat uncontrollable today as the Moon in your sign aligns with erratic Uranus. But don't worry; even though you don't feel emotionally stable now, you're really not any crazier than before. Allowing your mood swings to take you for a ride can be quite exciting as long as you don't try to act on every passing whim.

Gosh. I feel so much more at ease!!!!

Fourth of July

I love fireworks, hot dogs, deviled eggs and watermelon. And this day combines all these and more!!! Be safe, have fun, and celebrate our independance. America may not be perfect, but it beats a lot of alternatives.

Peace and freedom. That is my dream. Enjoy!!!

A Passing

When I walked into my office today, I passed a co-workers door. The door was closed, and the lights were off, which was unusual for this time of day. Also, a small rose plant was sitting outside it. As I read the sign saying, "Please do not remove the personal affects of M.R. His family will come and take care of them", I got a very strange feeling. This person was pinnacle in his department. He is not someone that would have gotten fired. If he had chosen to make a career change, there would have been a going away luncheon on a Friday with drinks and food. So my suspicions were up, but I didn't allow any dark thoughts to enter my head until I knew for sure.

The printer I use is right next to his office. And as I was standing there, another co-worker who is in the office next to me says, "You heard right?". Right then I knew what I refused to believe was what had occurred. This man had been in a motorcycle accident and was killed. I don't know the details except that it happened on Friday. I had to come back into my office for a minute to be alone. I am not someone unaffected by the loss of people in my life, no matter how remotely associated.

Today? Cherish the people I love. Remind them that I care. Tell them I love them. Just this morning I was lamenting the fact I was terse with my child over nothing. I hope I can hold on to the notion that what I was upset about is not so important, and I should think twice about what I say to him. And I have to find what is right for me, no more f**king around. Love? I am SICK of wasting time. I am reminded today of life and how much I do love it. And how lucky I am to have people that do love me in my life. I can only hope that it won't end before I have been able to accomplish the few things I dream about.

Love yourself, call your loved ones, and celebrate life! We are the lucky ones. Thanks for being you!!!!!